I Love The Chosen One
Category: Featured Fic, The Mighty Boosh
Series: I Love the Chosen One
Characters: Howard Moon, Vince Noir
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Genre: Episodic/Missing Scene, PWP (porn without plot)
Warning: Smut (graphic sex scenes)
Length: 1-5k words
Author’s Notes: Co-written with Laura (tundra_boy), and cailenbraern. Much thanks be to them! And our first attempt at writing the graphic slash… eep!
Webmistress’s Note: This fic is mentioned by Noel on the commentary track for Fountain of Youth.
I Love The Chosen One by phoon, tundra_boy and cailenbraern
Howard shivered, wrapping his arms around his torso and muttering at the blue natives scuttling around the camp. He wasn’t having a good day. First a terrible gig, then getting lost in a desert, beaten up by a blue behemoth with a club and now… now his loincloth was slipping down off his hips. He shifted it up, then folded his arms, trying to cover as much of himself up as possible.
He could hear Vince inside the tent. Laughing about something. That blue midget was in there too.
Night was drawing in, bringing a cool wind and making the crude tents ripple and sway gently. Howard shuffled back, trying to get a little cover from the tent without actually going inside, and stopped as the chain fastening him to the tent pole pulled tight. He glared at it, then went back to staring at the campfire.
The tent flap hitting him in the face alerted him to the Blue Leaders exit, shuffling off with a quick glare and a “the Chosen One likes me the best.”
Howard resisted the urge to swear at him.
“Servant!” He was untied from the pole and herded into the tent by a helpful blue man, who smiled nervously at him.
Vince lay back on the cushion, drawing a peacock feather slowly across his lips, and ignored Howard completely. Howard crossed his arms and glared, which didn’t have any effect whatsoever. Vince just lay there, trailing the feather tip across his face, his neck, chest, back up to parted lips…
Howard found himself watching the path of the feather and blinked quickly, clearing his throat.
No answer. Just the slow trail of gentle green tipped feathers tracing along soft skin… The silence carried on until it became uncomfortable, Howard shifting his weight in annoyance. The chains clinked as he moved, and Vince smiled gently.
“Yeah? What are you playing at Vince? I’m in chains!” He held one out as evidence, frowning as Vince’s smile widened. “And I’m wearing a loincloth! You couldn’t get me my clothes, hm?”
“As if you’d wear anything I chose for you.”
“I don’t care as long as it’s something a bit warmer. It’s freezing out there.”
“So I see.” Vince looked Howard up and down, taking in the little goosebumps prickling his skin.
“Give me some clothes, little man.”
“What do you mean you can’t? These Smurfs think you’re the chosen one. Yeah? They’ll do whatever you tell them to. Tell them I’m not your servant.”
“Why would I do that Howard?” Vince sat up a little, his grin never moving, and patted the cushion next to him. “Come on. Have a seat.”
Howard stared at him, eyes narrowing in suspicion, before slowly moving to Vince’s side. He dropped down, ready to manoeuvre onto the pile of cushion, when Vince’s hand darted out and grabbed a handful of the chains attached to the collar round his neck.
“Vince, what are you…” Howard managed to blurt out before he was yanked forcefully down, sprawling across Vince’s body. He barely got his arms out in time to stop himself crushing Vince. He tried to move back, but another hand tangled in his hair and he was pulled forward into a hard kiss.
“Mnph!” He said, pushing back hard, but his hands slipped on the soft, satiny cushions and he only succeeded in pressing most of his body against Vince’s.
“Mm.” Vince pulled back with a sigh, and a dazzling grin, and his fingers tightened in Howard’s hair.
“What…” Howard took a breath to steady his voice. “What are you…”
Vince yanked downwards on the chain, pulling Howard’s torso flush against his, and tugged his head back to kiss him again.
“Ow, that…” Howard mumbled into Vince’s mouth, but his words were lost as Vince’s tongue slipped between his lips.
He thought about pulling away briefly, but Vince was holding the chains and the advantage. And Vince’s tongue was in his mouth. Stroking, tasting…
Howard moaned, and pressed himself against Vince harder, determined to gain a little control of the situation. He squirmed a bit, forcing his leg between Vince’s to get some purchase on the slippy material, gripped the pillows hard, and pushed up.
Vince moaned softly as they parted, fingers still tangled in Howard’s hair and watched him, his eyes dark and slightly dazed.
“Vince. What are you doing?” Howard said, speaking slowly and emphasizing each word. Vince didn’t answer, but tugged insistently on the chain, and Howard let himself be pulled into a kiss. A very thorough kiss, all warmth and exploring tongue and a hint of teeth, and he found himself relaxing against Vince’s body.
He felt Vince’s hand move from his hair, and fingertips brushed his shoulder, making him shiver slightly. The hand finally settled just under his shoulder blade, warm against his exposed skin.
Howard pulled back slightly, only to mumble Vince’s name before the chain is pulling his head down, further down. He goes with it, pressing his lips to Vince’s neck in a chaste kiss, before sticking his tongue out and licking a stripe down to his exposed collarbone.
Howard paused as Vince moaned his name, slow and deep in his throat, feeling the vibrations against his lips. Smiling gently, he pressed an open-mouthed kiss against the soft skin, and another, as Vince pulled gently on the chain, guiding him.
He smiled against Vince’s chest, and slowly licked over his nipple. Vince gasped and arched his back, fingers digging into Howard’s back, and the gasp turned into a stuttered “Howard!” as he bit down gently. Howard grinned to himself, savouring the feeling of Vince jutting and writhing beneath him. Vince’s hands were in his hair now, gently pushing Howard’s head further down, past his hips, to where he wanted him most.
Howard looked up at Vince; briefly worried that Vince would laugh at him, that he wouldn’t do it right, that this wasn’t what Vince really wanted, that this was all a joke. His worries were eradicated when Vince, obviously fed up with his slowness, gripped Howard’s face, and pressed his thumb hard against Howard’s lips, forcing him to open his mouth. Howard took the opportunity to grip Vince’s thumb between his teeth and suck. He looked up, finding Vince watching him, staring at him, his eyes dark, and he licked his lips when Howard flicked his tongue over the tip of his thumb.
Howard trailed a finger slowly down the inside of Vince’s hip, then pressed his palm against the rather obvious bulge in Vince’s trousers. He smiled as Vince’s hips jerked at the contact, and quickly undid then button, sliding the zip down slowly. Vince wasn’t wearing underwear. Howard grinned, gripping the hem and tugging the material down as far as he could.
“Howard.” Vince said, his voice rough, and the hand gripping the chains tugged down, pulling Howard’s face closer. Howard wet his lips, watching as Vince moved his hand from Howard’s face, and touched himself. Not much, fingers wrapped around his dick loosely. His hands were shaking slightly, and Howard smiled up at him, breath warm against sensitive skin. Vince groaned and tugged on the chain again. Howard shifted his weight a little and gripped Vince’s hip hard with one hand, the other wrapping around his dick, entwining with Vince’s fingers and took the head in his mouth.
“Oh… Howard!” Vince jerked under him, forcing Howard to push his hips down with his free hand, and gave an experimental suck. Vince hooked one finger in the chain around Howard’s neck, pulling him down on him harder, until Howard’s throat constricted around him. Howard let Vince in as far as he could, not quite all the way, and looked up quickly to see Vince arch his back and thrust his head into the pillow behind him. He hummed happily, pulling away a little. And as Vince’s response to this was to moan loudly and jut his hips upwards, pushing him yet further into Howard’s mouth, he made a mental note to do it again.
And again. And again. He moved, up and down. Teeth grazing ever so lightly. He looked up to see Vince bite his bottom lip, swallow hard, and he slowly started moving his hand. Slowly, Vince’s fingers still in-between his, up the spit-slicked skin, ‘til he reached his own mouth. Then back, just as slowly. Vince made a low keening noise, ending in a stuttered
“Howard, Howard, yes!” And increased the speed, his hips jerking up to slide his dick just a little further into Howard’s mouth. He disentangled his fingers from Howard’s, just enough to slide his thumb inside, moaning even louder as Howard lapped at it, all warm wet suction.
“Howard, I can’t…” His voice broke a little as Howard swallowed around him, and shifted position slightly. Howard slid his hand from where he had been loosely gripping Vince’s dick, and stroked down a partly exposed thigh. Hurriedly pressing his hand against his loincloth, barely staying on him, and he moaned at feel of rough material.
Vince pulled on the chain hard, forcing Howard’s head down, even as he pushed against it. The hand slowly stroking himself slid up, along Howard’s cheek, and round the back of his head, holding him still. Vince thrust up a little way, gasping at the slick slide into Howard’s mouth, and then again, and again. Howard tried to relax his jaw as much as possible, his own hand now inside the loincloth, and stroking, harder, and matching Vince’s rhythm.
“Yes, yes…” Howard could hear Vince muttering above him, low and rough, and he thrust helplessly into his own hand, unable to contain his own moans. “Yes! Yeah, yes Howard, I’m…”
Howard tried to open his mouth a little further, as Vince’s hips thrust more erratically, deeper, almost painfully, almost… almost there… Howard squeezed his eyes closed, lost in the sensations. So close… So…
“Chosen One! Chosen One, you must…!” A loud, obnoxious voice cut through the air and Vince shrieked, pushing Howard away hard.
Howard flailed briefly with his one free hand, managing to steady himself on his knees and disentangle his hand from the loincloth. He didn’t look up. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see the look on the Leaders face.
“Forgive me Chosen One, but… It is time!”
At that Howard had to look up. Vince had tucked himself back in, and fastened his trousers. His shirt was askew, barely on his left shoulder, exposing jutting collarbones and one nipple. Howard stared briefly, then moved his gaze up. Vince was flushed, cheeks red, and hair sticking up at the back. His lips looked swollen, and Howard resisted the urge to lean over and kiss him right there, blue midget be damned. As it was, Vince was shooing the midget away and sitting up, looking a little dazed.
“Sorry about that.” He looked at the tent flap, a puzzled little frown appearing on his face, and Howard leant forward and gently touched those pouting lips with his thumb. When Vince turned to look at him, he cupped his jaw line, and leant forward. Vince met him halfway, open mouthed and demanding, forcing his tongue into Howard’s mouth. Tasting. Tasting himself. Howard moaned at the thought and Vince bit down a little roughly on his bottom lip.
“Hey, hey, watch it, little man.” Vince pulled back and looked at him. “Okay, okay, not so little.”
“You’d better get moving, small eyes.” He pressed his hand onto Howard’s shoulder and used him as leverage to stand. “Apparently I’ve got this big Chosen One event to take part in. I need to do my hair.”
Howard stood, trying discreetly to adjust his loincloth. He turned to storm dramatically out of the tent, but only got as far as opening the flap when a gust of sand blew into the tent.
“I can’t go out there. No way. Have you seen what it’s like out there? Vince turned from the large mirror in the corner of the tent. “I’ve got very sensitive skin, and this loin cloth doesn’t help, yeah? I’ll be washing sand out for months.”
“Look, I don’t have time for this!” He gestured to the tent opening with his straighteners. “They’re waiting for me already. Just wait for me out there, we’ll get you some clothes after.”
“Yeah?” Howard rolled his eyes. “And what about…” He made a quick gesture that seemed to get the point across, as Vince grinned at him.
“After this, we’ll have plenty of time for…” He copied the gesture, then turned back to the mirror.
“Yeah? We’ll see about that. No one bosses Howard T.J Moon about. No sir!” Howard stands up straight, glaring menacingly at Vince. Vince goes back to primping his hair, and Howard sags. “I’ll just wait outside then, shall I?”
Howard glared at the back of Vince’s head for a moment, then turned and stalked out of the tent. He resumed his previous position outside the tent, and ignored the smug look the blue midget was giving him. He took a moment to observe the natives running around shrieking in terror. Eventually, he turned, and tried not to think that the midget had seen him having sex.
“What’s going on?”
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