Transcript the… I’ve lost count. It’s around the fourth isn’t it? Anyway, this one is a short, bizarre piece of nonsensical ramblings. They make the others look slightly sane. Anyway, Vince brings a new friend home, and Howard is less than pleased.


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Untitled by cailenbraern



“What is this doing here?”

“Oh right…I felt sorry for him.”

“What? You felt sorry for it?”

“Yeah. He came this close to being run over by a camper van right? He was majorly shaken. I couldn’t leave him lying there.”

“Yeah, you could Vince. It’s not in your hands to bring him back here.”

“Leave him on the road?”


“What are you on about? Look he had….bad trauma…and a…concussion or summink. I had to bring him back to the flat, make him a cup of tea.”

“A cup of tea?”


“Vince, they don’t drink tea, ok? They drink a cocktail of mud, water, and their own sweat, yeah? It drinks from a river.”

“He likes tea!”

“Just shut up, ok? He doesn’t like tea. Anyway, I want it out now.”


“Put it back in the road where it belongs.”

“Are you mental? Look, just ignore him Lionel.”


“Yeah, that’s his name!”

“Is it really?”

“He doesn’t need to hear all that insensitive noise from you, he’s been though an ordeal.”

“I want it out Vince.”

“He’s really offended. Stop calling him it.”

“What? Why?”

“He’s got no problems with his sexuality.”


“Well you know…he’s a man.”

“No he’s not.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Even if it was their equivalent of Johnny Depp, I still wouldn’t care. I want it out!”


“Why? It’s an otter, Vince…yeah? Otters belong in rivers, building little dams. They don’t belong in a small, overcrowded flat in dormston, hmm?”

“He’s a great guy! You’d really like him.”

“No, Vince. I wouldn’t, ok? He’s an otter. Me and otters…it’s a nightmare.”


“Well, you know, I like Jazz, they like Hip hop.”

“No way!”

“Yeah, it’s true.”

“That’s incredible. But listen, right, Lionel doesn’t like any of that stuff..”

“No? Well, what does he like then?”

“He likes all sorts…Numan, Bowie, Jagger, Human League…”

“That’s not…all sorts, is it Vince? Hm? That’s who you like.”

“It’s not! He likes other groups as well…”

“Does he really? Like who?”

“Um…he likes the Scissor sisters, Lost Prophets, Jamie Cullum, Erasure, um…Cliff Richard…”


“Kaiser Chiefs…Cake…Kings of Leon…. 80’s Matchbox B-line disaster…”

“Cliff Richard?”

“He’s partial to a bit of Cliff. We all are, aren’t we?”

“No Vince, we aren’t! That’s why me and Lionel wouldn’t get on, yeah? I could never be friends with a Cliff-loving otter. I want him out now!”

“Alright! Keep your drainpipes on! Come on Lionel, I’ll take you home.”

Vince picks the otter up and heads down the stairs. Before he leaves, he calls out.

“We’ll talk about why you think Johnny Depp is more sexy than me when I get back!”

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