I Want You To Stay

Angst. Songfic based around “I Want You To Stay” by Maximo Park (tundra_boy was right – It is a bladdy good album!)


Characters: ,


Genre: ,



Length: words

I Want You To Stay by nastyfucker

I rewrite my life beneath the moonlight,
Please hold me now till my breath runs out
There are many things that I am not,
But there’s one thing that I cant deny

Noel sighed heavily in the dim light of the bedroom, chin pressed against his knuckles as he scribbled in black marker over the blank page. It was meaningless, pointless but somehow cathartic, blacking out the light spaces with the thick fibre tip. Absently gnawing his fingernail, he cast the pen down, blinking out over the smog-ridden city he chose to call home. Everything seemed so much colder, today. Everything seemed to have a much harsher edge to it since the door slammed in the night.

A double bluff you fed me lines,
The shortest cut you’re searching for

He closed his eyes and bit his lip, a soft whimper in his throat as he felt his arms around him, the solace of his touch, the shivers that made him moan needily when his lips pressed against his neck. With his eyes closed it was almost like he was still there, to keep him safe. To stop him making a fool of himself – So much so that he almost dare not open them again.

He wouldn’t have minded if there’d been some real reason for it. An explaination. Closure. All he got was nothing more than mumbled excuses, and a deep seated feeling that he’d been cheated out of something. Something he needed and craved. He felt hollow, lost. Julian was the one thing keeping him on the ground, maintaining sanity for the both of them. Without him around, there was nothing to keep him tied down, to stop him from spiralling out of control, and he despised that. He tried to despise him, for breaking his heart without a second thought, but as much as he tried, the one thing he wanted most in the world was for him to come back. To make everything right again.

A mesh of tones surround your eyes,
I wish I knew how it came to this

The last time he saw him, he was cold. His eyes had glazed over, had become robotic somehow – something that was completely alien to Noel. He wanted an answer, something to cling to. Even if it was all his fault, at least he could sleep at night knowing that he was the one that messed it up, and not have all these questions hanging heavily in the air, crushing his conscience to the point of shattering. He looked over at the bed and frowned, supposing it’d be a good idea to get some sleep eventually. The bed is too big for one, he supposed, although hacking it in half at that present moment wouldn’t have been wise.

I always said you could rely on me,
Now it seems that I was wrong,

He supposed Julian would be somewhere now, laughing at him and his pathetic display. Not that it really mattered now, of course. The humiliation was over with, and he could move on. Or at least, he could if it were that fucking easy. He couldn’t deal with the random nature of the incident, how out of the blue it was. Julian didn’t do out of the blue – it wasn’t his job. Maybe that was the reason, he wondered, the boundaries were too cut and dried and he had to break away. Or, at least he hoped that was the reason. He couldn’t bear to so much as entertain the thought that there was somebody else.

I want you to stay,
I want you to stay with me

He pleaded. He actually got down on his knees, clawing at his shirt and begging for him to stay. His very being reduced to a tearful, sobbing mess on the floor – and he hated that. Yet he couldn’t hate Julian for forcing him to do it, and he wished for all the earth that he could. Maybe then he could accept the situation he was in now, accept it as a bad job and progress. His slender fingers gathered up the bedsheet in his fist. He was crying again. Harsh, shuddering cries that echoed around the room. He closed his eyes once more, the ghosts circling around his body providing little comfort as they faded away to nothing.

I long for the neon signs of night,
Cos nothing works round here,

When he raised his head again, the room was darker. Streetlights cast a sickly yellow pallor over the room and it made him feel nauseous. Well, it was either that or the booze. He reasoned that right now, the booze was his friend, so therefore, it must be the lights. He sighed, gazing folornly around the room until his eyes came to rest on the phone beside the bed. For a moment, the immortal last words – ‘You’re going to regret this in the morning…’ – bounced around in his mind, before quickly being forgotten. Shakily, he lifted the reciever. Answering machine. Bastard. Despite that, he was determined to let Julian know what a mess he was in. If it didn’t make him come home, at least it might make him feel fucking guilty, and Noel took almost a sick delight in that fact. He lit a cigarette (One of Julian’s, that he’d left behind. Julian would hate that.) and began to croak hoarsely after the beep. The machine cut him off mid-sentence, and that annoyed him – So he called again. And again, until the answering machine refused to take any more. This disappointed Noel somewhat, when he was secretly hoping that Julian himself was sat there listening and would get so exasperated that he’d have to actually pick up the phone, to face up to what he’d done to his supposed best friend…. His supposed lover.

You know the way I feel,
Can you remember what we had?

On the other side of town, Julian sat in his armchair, staring at the answering machine. He rewound the tape a few times, struggling to make any kind of sense of what he was hearing as Noel’s voice scraped inside his brain. He tilted his head back and groaned. He couldn’t pick up the phone, not now. Everything had gone too far for that. He wanted to explain himself, try and calm Noel down…. but the words just wouldn’t come. It was his own fault, and he knew that – The reality of the situation had gotten to him, frightened him. He did what he did best, run away from it. He never really meant to make Noel feel this bad, thought he’d bounce back like he always did. He was surprised to find that he’d grossly underestimated Noel’s feelings for him, and now, he discovered, his feelings for Noel. Something that he thought was just a bit of fun, a comfort thing, had become so much more – And now it was far too late to do anything about it.

The lies we tell are bound on film,
And you start to push your lips to mine,

He almost smiled as he remembered the first time. The way anxiety and excitement played across Noel’s face as he pressed him up against the wall. Needy lips crushing together in a frenzied release and the way the tension that had plagued them for so long just seemed to shatter in that instant. Things were never the same after that night, and Julian was damn near positive that they’d never be that way again after tonight. He couldn’t imagine himself getting in the same room as Noel again, never mind being able to look him in the eye and explain himself.

Outside my room you closed your eyes,
And in the end it came to this

Julian began making excuses for his behaviour, if only to placate his own mind. If he’d honestly have thought that Noel cared that much…. Maybe he’d never have walked out. Maybe being the crucial word, there. You see when it wasn’t just the two of them, Noel changed. Cold, even. He was never one for public displays of affection himself, but just something when they were out in a crowd. A squeeze of the shoulder, anything that’d indicate that this wasn’t just a sex thing, that he didn’t just say the things he did in the flush of afterglow and post-sex cigarettes. That would have been enough. Business Barratt took the executive decision to get out before he got too deep. Before he fell for him. It was only now that he discovered it was a little late for that.

I always said you could rely on me,
Now it seems that I was wrong,
I want you to stay,
I want you to stay with me

He stared at the phone. Willing it to ring again. He promised himself he’d answer this time, swore that he would if it was the last thing he did. He sat urging himself to pick up the phone, to make the first move and make amends – But the very thought filled him with dread. Noel probably despised him now, and he could deal with that as long as he didn’t have to hear it from him. He could probably avoid him quite adequately if he tried. London was a big place after all. He could handle this, just as long as he didn’t have to see him. With that look on his face. The one that’d probably haunt him for the rest of his life – The one when he snapped his heart in two.

Cos nothing works round here,
Where cranes collect the sky,
I think of your face at night,
Cos nothing works round here

Julian nursed his cup of tea, twizzling the yo-yo between his fingers. Funny how the sentimentality of a break-up always gives significance to the most inane of objects. He listened to the messages again, the volume turned up this time. It amplified every crack in his voice. The tremors at the end of the sentences before he started crying again. The way he said he loved him. He had to listen to that part again. Once more…

You know the way I feel

‘I fucking love you, Julian Barratt….’

Can you remember what we had?

His eyes widened as he stared at the answering machine. For someone who’s supposed to be pretty perceptive, it took him one hell of a long time for the words to sink in. He nodded affirmatively at the little black box on the table, crying for help, for someone to come to the rescue. He knew what he had to do.

As time gets more compressed,
You’re always my reminder,

He hammered on the door, louder and louder until he could feel his knuckles swelling and bruising with every knock. He had to get into that house. He had to put the pieces back together before it was too late.

A lifetime disappears,
Can you remember what we had?

What seemed like an age passed before the house showed some kind of life. Noel pulled the door back. His bloodshot eyes widened as he saw Julian, shivering in the cold. He weakly tried to push close the door on him but Julian’s foot held it ajar, just like he knew it would. Now wasn’t the time for pretence. He opened it fully, letting Julian step inside the house. They eyed each other cautiously at first, Noel leaning against the wall, arms curled protectively around his body as Julian leaned opposite, shoulders hunched, hands in pockets.

As time gets more compressed,
You’re always my reminder,

Julian had got this far. He had to do what he came to do. Righting himself, he walked towards Noel. He didn’t back away, which was of course a good step on the way to reconcilliation. His hand slid around the back of Noel’s neck, urging him closer. With a slow sigh, his body slumped as it fell against Julian’s chest, holding onto him as his arms wrapped around him tightly. Julian soothed him, speaking softly against his hair. He lost count of the amount of apologies that fell clumsily from his trembling lips, but that made him hold on all the more. And then, the deal breaker. The one that pinned everything back together again….

‘I fucking love you too….’

You know the way I feel.

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