26 Fics in 26 Minutes

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A story for a song by a band starting with every letter of the alphabet. Ranging from angst to fluff to humour to porn to general whimsy. Encompassing Boosh, RPS, Nathan Barley, Robots in Disguise, and Asylum, and probably a few other things too.

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XTC – In Another Life (Asylum/Boosh crossover)

Contents

XTC – In Another Life (Asylum/Boosh crossover)

Through the pouring rain, Vince finally caught sight of Howard, standing right out in the open and looking lost. He made a clucking sound with his tongue, like Jalopey the mother hen would when she caught him with his face all smeared with berries, and hurried out into the deluge, jacket pulled up over his head.

“Oi, ostrich legs! Here I am!” He tapped Howard on the shoulder lightly.

Howard turned around, all-white clothing hanging down from the sheer weight of the rainwater, and stared at him. “What?“ he said with complete and utter disgust.

Vince frowned. Had… had Howard always been wearing that? “I told you to stick with me. We’ll never get this over with if you keep wandering off.”

Howard looked him up and down, and then turned away. “Begone, jezebel. I am waiting for someone far more important.”

“Ooooookay…” Vince muttered, pulling his jacket up further and feeling the rain slip down his stomach and inside his trousers. “Look, I know I got a bit distracted looking at that hat display, but that’s no reason to be in a mood with me.”

Howard didn’t turn around, the set of his shoulders showing that he was still angry.

“Can’t you be pissed off indoors? In the dry?” He pointed over at HMV. “Look, I’ll buy you a CD, yeah? And then all I need is some, you know, new underwear,” he leered as Howard glared at him over his shoulder and walked away, “and we can go home. And take it off.”

Howard stood a little way away, arms folded, back turned, and Vince sighed, sploshed through the puddles to stand in front of him again. “At least come out of the rain.”

“Who are you to keep talking to me so? An inane glob of green phlegm, speaking to me with your mouthparts, with no idea of the danger you are in.” He clicked his fingers suddenly, and Vince flinched. “Go. Or I shall destroy you.”

“Howard?” Vince swallowed. “Are you feeling okay?”

Howard made a little scream of rage, hands fisted by his sides. “My word. You would surely rival Adam in the idocy stakes. Why can you not leave me in peace?” He stopped, mouth open, blinking at the rain, and looked at Vince more closely. “Are… are you perhaps… Adam? Returned to avenge yourself?”

“I’m Vince,” said Vince, one hand on his chest, the rain momentarily forgotten. “There’s… there’s a lemur named Adam. At the zoo?”

Howard stared at the pavement. “I didn’t mean to disembowel him, you know. It was a mere accident of fate.”

“O… kay.”

He looked up at Vince slyly, smirking. “And I didn’t intend to eat the body. But once one has a corpse, what else can one do with it?”

Vince reached up to feel Howard’s forehead, who reeled back, slapping at his hands. “Did you bang your head? Do you know where you are?”

The smile disappeared instantly, and Howard scowled at him. “I am waiting for my beloved. You will speak to me no more.”

Vince scratched his head. “I think we better get you back to the Zooniverse. Get Naboo on the case.”

Howard wasn’t listening, looking at something behind him with wide eyes and a wide smile. “Simon!” he said joyfully, and Vince turned to see… a young, baby-faced man, with blond hair, dressed in similar white clothing to Howard, but except… there was Howard, in his regular tweed, a few steps behind the blond man, arms filled with bags and a grumpy expression on his face.

Simon and Vince ran past each other to embrace their respective Howards, who endured the show of physical affection with similar looks of distaste on their faces.

“Where the hell have you been?” Howard said to Vince, holding a Topshop bag over his head.

“I’ve been here, talking to… like, your twin! It’s mental!” Vince grabbed his sleeve and pulled Howard over to his mirror image.

They looked each other up and down, and then Howard turned to Vince. “He’s got a beard. A little evil devil beard. And no trace of a moustache. How could you possibly mistake him for me?”

Vince shrugged. “I dunno. I sort of… don’t pay much attention to your facial hair.”

“And the complete change of clothes?”

“I thought maybe you bought them. Somewhere. They’re pretty rocking, actually, you could customise them and–”

Vince was jerked out of his fashion reverie by Simon taking a step forward, hands clasped like a head waiter offering them a table.

“Hi?” he said with a little wave. “Um. I’m Simon. Sorry about the misunderstanding before, uh…”

“Howard,” Howard supplied.

“But you can see how I might get you confused for Victor.” Simon nodded back at Howard’s double, who hovered behind him with a superior expression on his face.

“Yeah, me too,” said Vince. “I don’t get it, how is this possible? Do you have a brother, Howard?”

“No,” said Howard, the classic example of an only child.

“What about a long-lost one?” asked Simon.

“If he’s long-lost, then I wouldn’t know, would I?”

“Oh yeah,” Simon said with a little giggle that made Vince smile.

Vince stepped forward, speaking quietly with an eye on Victor. “Is he alright? He was talking about murdering some guy before, someone named Adam or something.” He watched Victor, who made devil’s horns with his fingers and stuck his tongue out.

“Oh, yeah. He’s insane,” Simon said matter-of-factly.

Vince giggled, and Simon and Howard glared at him.

“Sorry, just… we find Howard’s double, and he’s a mental patient. It just… heehee…”

“I’m insane too,” Simon said pointedly. “Well, not really. A bit. Isn’t everyone, a bit?”

“Yes,” said Vince.

“No,” said Howard.

“Anyway, we just broke out of an asylum, just outside of town, and… long story. So we’re on the run at at the moment, sort of… hiding out. There are some others in a bedsit down in Streatham, we only came out for a bit of shopping, got caught in the rain.” Simon smiled cheerily. “I suppose we better be getting back, though.”

“Absolutely,” Howard said quickly, trying not to look at his strange twin.

“And,” Simon took a step forward, mumuring to Howard. “If you ever felt like, I don’t know, trying something new? Victor and I would love to hear from you.” He handed him a scrap of paper with a number written on it, and winked. “Twincest is hot.“

Vince simply gaped, and Simon quickly continued, “Of course, the offer works both ways. Call me!”

He and Victor wandered off in the rain, arm in arm. Simon pressed a kiss to Victor’s cheek, who scrubbed at it irritably.

Howard and Vince simply stood there, dripping.

“I think I may vomit,” Howard said, crumpling up the paper and throwing it to the ground.

As he walked off towards the bus stop, Vince quickly bent over and retrieved it, smoothing it out and putting it carefully in his back pocket. Well, you never knew.