26 Fics in 26 Minutes

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A story for a song by a band starting with every letter of the alphabet. Ranging from angst to fluff to humour to porn to general whimsy. Encompassing Boosh, RPS, Nathan Barley, Robots in Disguise, and Asylum, and probably a few other things too.

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Length: words

Ultravox – Vienna

Contents

Ultravox – Vienna

Vince tried in vain to keep his excited expression in the face of Howard’s horror, his pale face, drained of blood, his open mouth. “Yeah, I know. It’s great, right?”

“You can’t.” Howard’s voice was a hoarse whisper, and he cleared his throat, one fist up in front of his mouth. “I mean, you can’t,” he said more firmly.

Vince fiddled with his hair. “No, you don’t understand. Their singer’s dropped out, right? Had a bust-up with the rest of the band, and they’ve got this tour to do. This Austrian tour. The drummer knows my work from back when I got thrown out of that Japanese karaoke night in June, and he told me to come to the audition, and the record company liked my stuff.” He waved his hands around frantically. “So I cleared it with Fossil and Bainbridge, the Zooniverse gets free advertising, and I get to tour Austria for six months with the band. Wicked, eh?”

“But… but… you can’t.“ Howard sat down on the battered zookeepers’ sofa, sitting uncomfortably on a cushion.

Vince pulled out one of the wooden chairs next to the table, sitting down at a safe distance in case he had to make a run for it. “I just said, though. I can. Bainbridge has released me from my contract.”

Howard rubbed at the palm of his hand with his thumb. “Austria, though. You don’t know anything about Austria.”

“I do!” Vince said indignantly, racking his brains.

Howard raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? Where is it?”

Vince sat there with his mouth open. “It’s… in Europe. Near… Swed–” Howard smirked, and Vince changed tack suddenly, “Swe… Swi… Switzerland. Yeah.”

Howard shook his head. “It’s next to Germany, you berk.”

Vince made a ‘pfft’ sound, blowing his hair away from his face. “That’s not important, though, is it? I’m not walking there. They have people who take care of that sort of thing. Geography… ers.”

“But you don’t know what it’s like there. You might hate it. Do you even know what the capital city is?”

“Of course,“ Vince said confidently. “We’re playing Vienna first.”

Howard’s face fell at an actual piece of information.

“Yeah,” Vince continued into oblivion. “It’s gonna be really nice seeing all those canals, and the gondolas. And all that… you know. Architecture.”

“That’s Venice. In Italy.”

“Oh.” Vince’s face fell. “No… no canals in Vienna, then?”

Howard shook his head. “I can’t believe you’re going to a country you know nothing about.”

“I do too!”

“No, you don’t. You don’t know anything.”

Vince thought for a bit, then snapped his fingers, his face lighting up. “The Von Trapps.”

“What?”

“You know! ‘How do you solve a problem like Maria?’”

“Like who?“

“Uh… um… ‘Doe, a deer, a female deer’, uh, singing nuns, cute children? The Sound of Music?“

Howard picked at the arm of the sofa. “It didn’t sound like music to me.“

Vince stuck his tongue out at him. “It’s a musical. A film, with Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer. And it’s set in Austria. There.”

Howard smirked at Vince’s extensive knowledge of musicals, but said nothing. “Anything else?”

“Uh… Vienna… Viennese whirls?”

“Another film?”

Vince shook his head. “They’re biscuits.”

Howard nodded. “Food, and a film. Great, Vince, really. You’ll fit right in.”

“And, and,” a dim spark flickered at the back of his mind, and he blurted it out before actually taking the time to think, “and Hitler was Austrian.”

Howard struggled to keep a straight face. “So. You’re going to a country filled with biscuits, singing children, and mass-murdering dictators.”

“They’re not all like that.”

“As far as you know, they are.”

Vince spread his hands wide. “Look. I’m going to Austria, and you’re not going to talk me out of it. It’s all been arranged. I’ll be in Vienna by tomorrow morning.”

Howard nodded, lips set in a thin line. “Fine. Good luck. I’ll just, I’ll just stay here, shall I? Muddle along at the zoo on my own, with Fossil and Bainbridge and no one knowing who I am, while you carry on to fame and glory. Fine.”

Vince moved from his chair to the arm of the sofa, watching Howard warily. His body language said he was about ready to slap someone.

“Well… the record company said I could bring someone. Like, to help dress me and do my make-up and stuff.”

Howard looked at him in horror, and Vince bit back a giggle.

“No, I mean… I thought, I like doing that all myself. I’d only get annoyed if someone was there, getting in the way. So I thought maybe I’d just bring someone along because I’d miss ‘em.”

Howard managed a small smile, his eyes bright, his hand tight on the arm of the sofa. “Yeah?”

Vince nodded. “And then, Leroy said he couldn’t leave work in time, so I thought–”

Howard hit him in the face with a sofa cushion.