26 Fics in 26 Minutes

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A story for a song by a band starting with every letter of the alphabet. Ranging from angst to fluff to humour to porn to general whimsy. Encompassing Boosh, RPS, Nathan Barley, Robots in Disguise, and Asylum, and probably a few other things too.

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Length: words

Robots in Disguise – Hot Gossip

Contents

Robots in Disguise – Hot Gossip

“What’s the emergency, anyway?” Julian called out as he followed Noel through to his living room.

“You tell me. Dee just said, get Julian, log on to the whatever, show him the thing.” Noel sat down in front of the computer, clutching the piece of paper she’d given him earlier.

Julian threw his coat onto the sofa, standing behind Noel. “The thing? So, you know what this is?”

“Not a clue.” Right, now. She’d said she’d left such easy instructions a monkey could do it, but Noel puzzled at them anyway. “What’s an earl?” he asked Julian doubtfully.

“What, you mean like, lords and ladies?” Julian peered over his shoulder at the paper. “URL, you fool,” he sighed, pronouncing each letter individually.

“And that button is…?” Noel moved the mouse around vaguely, looking for anything marked ‘URL’, before clicking on ‘Go’ without actually having typed an address. The 404 page came up, and he groaned. “What does this mean, ‘doesn’t exist’? That’s what was so important? Something’s been deleted?”

“Move, for goodness’ sake. Go put the kettle on.”

Noel got up happily and let Julian settle himself in front of the computer, fiddling with the height control on the chair and cracking his knuckles and generally acting like he was about to hack into the Pentagon.

“Right, let’s see… blah blah blah queertet blah blah booshslashhaven. Huh. It’s something Boosh,” Julian muttered as he typed it in, Noel leaning on his shoulder.

“It’s not more people dressed up as the Hitcher, is it? There’s only so many short fat women in green make-up I can look at before it stops being funny and starts being sad.“

Julian was silent as he read the front page, the blue background making him look vaguely washed-out.

“Fuck me,” he said eventually.

“What? What is it? Is it porn?” Noel peered at the screen eagerly.

“You know what,” Julian turned back to the screen, “‘slash’ is?”

Noel closed one eye, thinking. “Like, violence? Horror movies, people getting their heads chopped off, that sort of thing? Oh God, is it death threats?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Julian re-read the disclaimer. “It seems, huh. ‘Slash’ is gay porn, basically.”

“You can’t just give stuff new names. Can you?” Noel heard his battered old kettle start squealing as it reached boiling point. “If you could, I’d rename all kettles as ‘evil bastards’.”

“No… it looks like, it’s all to do with fictional characters. On television, that sort of thing.” Julian blinked, the idea ringing a bell somewhere. “Hey, didn’t you once read a porn story about Howard and Vince?”

There was the sound of metal banging against china from the kitchen. “Uh, don’t think so,” Noel called out.

“Yeah, yeah you did. You said so, when we were watching Fountain of Youth. All about chains and things.” Not that Julian had given it a second thought. Or, you know. Four hundred and fifty eight thoughts.

Noel wandered back into the living room, clutching two mugs of tea. “Wait, yeah. Dee found it for me. It was all kinky, lots of bondage stuff.” He handed Julian one of the mugs, and sipped at his thoughtfully. “There’s more?”

“All in this archive, apparently. And,” Julian re-read the instructions, frowning, “I don’t want to worry you, but it looks like Dee’s a member, somehow.”

“Of a place that says that you and I are shagging?”

Julian started to type Dee’s username and password in. “Yeah. You might want to have a word with her about the words ‘low profile’.”

“And the words ‘tempting fate’,” Noel muttered, watching the screen carefully.

“Fuck me,” Julian whistled. “How many stories?”

“They have a Barley category! I was hardly in that!”

“Videos… Boosh… what’s RP-oh.”

“What now?” Noel pulled over his spare chair, and sat next to Julian, resting his cup of tea carefully next to the computer.

Julian turned the piece of paper over and shrugged. “That’s where Dee’s instructions end. So… I don’t know.”

There was a silence.

“We could–”

“It wouldn’t hurt–”

Julian bit his lip. “Right, right. She’s got a favourites list. She’s got a long favourites list. Where does she get the bloody time?”

“Oooh, click on that one! Look, it won an award!”

Julian stared at Noel. “Alright, I’m clicking it.” He hesitated. “What does NC-17 mean?”

“Not… something. Not Cool. Non Compliant.” Noel opened and closed his mouth, realising what he’d just said. “You think it’s a rape thing? Fuck, you think there’s a fic where you rape me?”

Julian froze, his cursor over the link. “I rape you? Why me? Why not the other way around?”

“I don’t know, just seems like… that’s how it would be.”

Julian folded his arms. “Uh huh. You want to explain that, at all?”

Noel winced. “Well, you know. You’re, um, from up North.”

“That’s right, Noel, I am. Once you get past Watford Gap you have to start macing people, it’s practically a war zone.”

“No, but… you’ve got that gruff thing.” He continued hastily, with a feeling of being in a hole and still digging. “A forceful thing. You’re all… manly.” He tried a smile. “Plus, I’m shorter than you are.”

“Oh, that’ll do it. Day after day I loom over you, staring at the top of your head with lust, waiting for you to lower your guard so I can violate your arse area.”

“Just… just click the link. We’ll see.” Noel fixed his eyes on the screen.

There was a soft click. “Right, well, it’s RPS – Real Person Slash, before you ask. As in, you and me, not Vince and Howard.”

“What’s that say? ‘PWP – graphic sexual content.’ Huh. People… people… no, wait, porn! Porn… with… penises. Maybe not.”

As Noel stared into the middle distance, once again unable to disconnect his mouth from his thinking process, Julian scrolled down, mouth opening further and further. “Wow. Just… wow.”

“Did I get raped?”

“No. Well, not yet. But you did get it in the arse, so you’re half right.”

Noel peered over Julian’s arm at the text. “That’s not physically possible. Is it? I don’t think that’s physically possible.”

“Feeling inadequate, are we?”

“Not when,” Noel’s finger brushed across the screen, “not when whoever this is has written that.“

“Huh.” Julian scrolled back up. “That explains why it’s you getting the bumming.”

“What?”

“Well, you’re ‘huge’. I’m only ‘generous’. Clearly, we’ve weighed up the odds and decided the chance of a fatal rectal rupture is slightly lessened if I go for it instead of you.”

Noel’s eyes narrowed. “Why am I getting bitten? And scratched? What’s up with that?”

Julian patted him on the head. “You’re shorter.”

“But look at me! I mean, I only came into the room,” sound of a mouse-wheel scrolling, “five minutes ago, I’m already bent over a desk and begging for it like a slut.”

“Your point being?”

“My point being,“ Noel glared at him, “clearly this is what our fans think of me. I must be wearing too much lip-gloss. Isn’t there a fic where you scream my name out, and you’re the one all beaten up and fucked? Preferably where you burst into tears?”

Julian clicked the back button, flicking down Dee’s list of favourites. “There’s some disturbing ones with a food fixation… one about – ye gods! A pipe? How much must they hate you?“

Noel swallowed.

“Lots of alcohol… lots of stuff about your hair. But it does, indeed, look like you get fucked in every single one.” Julian smirked. “Our fans have spoken. I’ll go grab the lube.”

“I didn’t see much lube in these things, either,” Noel grumbled. “Why the hell did Dee want us to see this?”

Julian leaned back in his chair. “Well, two options. The first option is, she’s doing a good deed in alerting us to the fact that our secret homosexual relationship isn’t quite as secret as we thought.”

Noel pulled a face at the idea of Dee doing something good. “And the other option?”

Julian hid a grin, eyes flicking to the Robots in Disguise poster on the wall, Dee biting Sue’s shoulder fiercely. “You haven’t noticed the femmeslash section yet, have you?”