Moonstone Cowboy

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Come with us now on a journey to… The Wild West and the town of Moonstone. Vince is the cute cowboy with a big heart and an even bigger wardrobe. Howard is the dark and lamenting Sheriff trapped in an emotional cycle of guilt and need. In a world that’s like, but not like, the Boosh we know and love anything can happen (AU). But mostly our lads get in loads of bother. There’s plenty of mature imagery peeps so M+ for sex, violence, hurt/comfort, darkness, slash, angst etc.

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Sacrifice

Contents

Sacrifice

As each of the men and women in The Salty Bullet start returning to consciousness the Mayor issues them instructions. For the women it’s an order to stay in their rooms until they’re called. The men are told to hang about outside or down along the path, “But you all listen out for further direction you hear?” His men nod or mutter words of agreement before leaving though various doors. “Not you Sammy, I need you for something else.”

“Yes boss.” Sammy stays put, his hat in his hands.

The Mayor does a lap of his henchman. Sammy stays surprising calm.

“Can I trust you Sammy?”

“Of course boss.”

The Mayor stops in front of him. “You used to work a gold mine further out west didn’t you?”

“Sure did.”

“And you’ve worked on railroads.”

“A while back, yeah.”

“Therefore you have experience with dynamite?”

“Yep.”

The Mayor smiles. “I have a job for you. It’s risky and a bit dangerous, but I’ll pay you well if you do it.”

Sammy nods.

“Good. I’ll call you when I need you. Don’t go far.”

Sammy replaces his hat. “I’ll be just outside boss.”

The Mayor waits for him to leave before saying aloud, “All’s clear, you can come out now.”

The Hitcher and the Piper Twins emerge from behind the bar.

“Nice work Mayor. And sounds like we’ve an ass to do our donkey work.”

“Sammy’s okay. He’ll get it done.”

Suddenly there’s a movement at the front door and Nutter sticks his head in. The Hitcher and twins duck into the shadows just in time. “Boss, there seems to be a crowd gathering.”

“Where?”

“The station I think. There’s people passing and heading down the hill in that direction.”

“Go with them Nutter and wander about. Tell everyone but Sammy to do the same. Mingle. Chat. Keep tabs on what’s happening. If I need you I’ll holler.”

“Will do.”

“Girls! GIRLS! Come out here.”

Four women appear, bleary eyed from lack of proper sleep and pale from lack of sun.

“God look at you all, you look half dead. Get yourselves outside and stay there until you hear otherwise.”

The woman scuttle off through the doors together, eager to be out in the fresh air as quickly as they can in case the Mayor changes his mind.

The Hitcher reappears. “Sounds like the residents of Moonstone are arriving. Any sign of our lawmen yet?”

“Not that I know of.”

“And we won’t know stuck in here will we? Time I consulted me crystal ball again.”

“It’s working now?”

“It will be very soon.”

“Shall we go then?”

Howard nods. “I’ll be out in a sec.”

Vince gives him a quick hug from behind before leaving the Sheriff to his own devices.

Howard runs his hand along a shelf, stopping momentarily to touch an empty whiskey bottle, the one he’d drank from when he first told Vince about Tommy. He plumps a cushion on the couch, the very couch on which he’d laid with Vince all night after the hanging attempt. He tucks a chair under the table, the table where he’d fed Vince his first meal, where Vince had asked him to wear his Sheriff’s badge again, that he’d ran around in a game of chase with the man he now considers his world.

He looks into his bedroom cell. It’s free of all the drapery and decoration, but still houses the bedhead Vince had created for him. He spots the mirror that he’d so lustful watched Vince get changed in front of. He looks at the other cell and thinks of Bob Fossil, of the murder of Lance Parrot, of Doctor Bamshoot, but then he quickly thinks of Vince bound to the bars, a hot, sweaty mess of a man, both wanton and innocent and waiting for Howard to satisfy him. He remembers that last image with a contented smile.

A last look around, then Howard places the key on its hook and closes the door to the jailhouse.

Vince is waiting at the bottom of the steps. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. This feels right.”

Vince hands him a bag, linking their little fingers together as he does so, a small gesture of love and understanding. Howard smiles. “Honestly, I’m fine. Thanks though.”

Vince picks up a bag of his own. “Where first, the Hopkin’s house?”

“Sure.”

They walk in silence for a bit, each absorbed in their own thoughts until Howard says, “Maybe I should give myself up to this Hitcher fellow. I could just get it over and done with and offer myself to him.”

“What you talking about Howard? You can’t do that.”

“I dunno, just thinking aloud I guess. But Naboo’s last instruction to me was to be smart and brave. I’m trying to think how I can be both.”

“Well that doesn’t sound too smart to me, your giving yourself to him. He’s going to kill you if you do that.”

“Maybe surrender is the smart thing. Maybe that leads to something like, oh I don’t know, an opportunity or a piece of good fortune.”

“No way, it’s too dangerous. Why put yourself right into his hands? And besides, if anyone’s going to give themselves to him it should be me.”

“Why you?”

“Because I’m, well, not as important as you. You know way more about stuff than I do.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m more important. That’s crazy.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway as neither of us are going to do that.”

“I suppose not.”

They reach the Hopkin’s front door. “Seriously Howard, get the idea out of your head.”

Howard raps on the wood. “It just feels a bit like we’re jumping feet first into a fire without even realising it’s been lit. I hate that we have no control.”

“We have some control, don’t we?”

The door swings open and they’re greeted by Monty’s huge grin. “My boys, my boys, come on in.”

“My dear Monty. How the devil are you?”

“Fine now the gang’s back together again. I’m all packed ready. Mr. and Mrs. Hopkin’s are too. Sally Glister is with Mrs. Hopkin’s out the back. She’s coming, but in all honesty I don’t think Mrs. Hopkins gave her a choice. And our horses are tethered around the side Howard. Gideon wasn’t happy to have me tugging at her reins, but she seemed okay when she realised Sunflash was coming too.”

“That’s brilliant, thanks Monty.”

There’s another knock at the door and this time Monty opens it to Jack Tucker. “Good morning Mr. Flange. Just letting you know we’ve a wagon out here if you’ve things you want to put on it.”

“Oh good gracious that’s perfect. Mrs. Hopkins has about five bags. I’ve no idea what’s in them as I told her to only pack the essentials. Mine is over here if you’d be so kind as to put that on. I think we’ll all be out in a minute.”

Jack takes the bag outside. “No problem, there’s plenty of room.”

Monty takes Howard’s sleeve and leads him and Vince to the far wall and out of Mrs. Hopkin’s immediate range. “I’m so glad you haven’t changed your mind. I was worried you might think again this morning. I take it you two had a pleasant night.”

Vince saves Howard’s blushes. “It was nice Monty, thank you, but it was also rather eventful. Quite a lot happened after you left us.”

“I’d rather not hear all the seedy details.”

Vince giggles, “No, not that. I’m mean town related stuff. We’ve learnt quite a lot.”

“From who?”

“From various people. From Naboo, from Mr. White and from Bainbridge himself. Howard got a very early morning visit from our Mayor.”

“You did? You’re not hurt are you?”

“No we’re fine Monty. It was all threats and chest beating in the main.”

“I can’t wait to hear all about it all on the train, but speaking of being hurt, Vince you’re going to have to explain yourself very soon. Everyone will be asking how it is you look so well.”

“We did think of that Monty, and we figured we’d just tell everyone about Naboo and his special knack for healing the sick. I can’t pretend I’m still injured, and I hate lying to everyone anyway. For that reason I’m going to drop the playing dumb act too. I can explain that away with the truth about wanting to fool Bainbridge. Plus I’m pretty sure everyone will be meeting Naboo soon as he said he’d join us at some point. We just won’t specifically mention the Babolisk Oil. From now on he’s just a skilled medicine man.”

“And speaking of medicine Monty, have you seen the Doctor since he left here yesterday?”

“No, not at all. Why?”

“Again, we’ll explain later, but please stay clear of him if you can. Just between us we’re now certain that it was he that killed Lance Parrot.”

“What? Really?”

“Really. Both Bainbridge and Naboo said as much.”

“I can’t believe it.”

“Can’t believe what Mr. Flange?” Mrs. Hopkins, dressed in all her finest clothes, appears from the back along with Sally Glister and her husband. They wait for an answer.

“Umm, Deputy Noir here was telling me how he’s perfectly healed and I was saying that I can’t believe it. And neither will you Mrs. Hopkins. It’s practically a miracle.”

“How?” Mrs. Hopkins rushes over to Vince’s side, grabs Vince’s face and turning it from left to right in a search of bruises repeats, “How?”

Vince respectfully removes Mrs. Hopkins’ hands and takes a step backwards. “Well, it’s all down to the work of this amazing medicine man we found. Please, let’s pack our things onto the wagon outside and I’ll tell you all about it.”

“Time for a gander.” The Hitcher gathers Vince’s belt into his hand and repeats the same incantation as before. The image of Vince slowly develops. It looks like the Deputy is walking. The Hitcher pans out and sure enough Vince is striding down the main street, Howard, Montgomery Flange and a few others at his side. Each is carrying a bag or wheeling a chest. The barber brothers are pulling a wagon and Howard is leading two horses.

The Mayor stands by the Hitcher’s side. “They’re on their way to the station alright. No sign of Naboo though.”

“This ball will find him. I just need to ramp up the power a bit.”

“But how will you find him if he’s not with the Deputy and you don’t have anything that belongs to him?”

The Hitcher removes the golden amulet from his inner coat pocket. “That’s where you’re wrong as I have this. Before I got me evil mitts on it Naboo was the last one to touch it.”

“What is it?”

“Ultimately it’s leverage my lad, but right now it’s my lucky charm.”

The green demon starts chanting a new spell.

Eleanor Hopkins links her arm through Vince’s. “It’s wonderful, truly wonderful to see you so well healed. Your story is incredible, about tricking the Mayor and happening across the miracle man?”

“It is quite incredible isn’t it?” Vince decides to dial up his charm offensive in an effort to stop too many more questions, “But the most incredible thing that’s happened to me in the last few days is meeting wonderful people like you and Mr. Hopkins, and Howard and Monty. I feel like I’m suddenly part of a loving family.”

“Awhh my sweet boy. And we are very happy you’re here with us. It’s like you’ve breathed life into the Sheriff again, and look at us all, off on a journey into the unknown. I thought my adventuring days were long over. The most excitement I have is when Lester gets in a new type of soap flake.”

“Who’s Lester?”

“Lester Corncrake. He runs the shop.”

“Oh him. I met him very briefly.”

“Speak of the devil there he is now.” Mrs. Hopkin’s waves her arms. “Mr. Corncrake, Mr. Corncrake, how are you? How’s your eyes?” She leaves Vince to go chat with the storeowner.

Howard wanders up to Vince’s side. “Here’s The Bullet. Looks quiet.”

“I wonder if Bainbridge is in there. I wonder if he’s watching us. “

“It’s likely I’d say, he doesn’t really have anywhere else to go.”

The little group rounds the bend and onto the path that leads downhill to the station. They stop in their tracks.

Below them quite a crowd has gathered. Some have bags and cases, others are clearly there out of curiosity. It seems as if word really does travel fast in a small town.

“Wow, there’s lots of people Howard.”

But Howard isn’t looking at the crowd, he’s looking down and across in the direction of the railroad milepost. Vince takes a deep breath as he spots it too.

Monty joins them at the top of the hill. “Not a pretty sight that post is it?”

Howard shakes his head. “It makes me feel sick.” He turns to Vince. “Can you handle going down there? I didn’t even think.”

Vince offers a faint smile. “I don’t remember very much to be honest, I was barely conscious.”

Monty puts his hand on Vince’s shoulder. “You were badly beaten up lad. It’s a wonder you’re still with us.”

Vince pats Monty’s hand. “I know, and I have you both to thank for being alive today.”

Howard still looks ashen. “I’m sorry we have to be back here, but it’s the only easy route.”

“It’s not your fault Howard. Come on, let’s head down. I think all these people will be glad to see you’ve arrived.”

The Hitcher looks deep into his crystal ball. “Where are you? Where are you?” He recites a few more magic words, waves the amulet above the orb and demands. “Show yourself shaman!”

The image of Naboo suddenly bursts forth. “Aha! It worked.”

“Does he know you can see him?” The Mayor is alongside the Hitcher again, still in awe of the clever ball.

“Shouldn’t think so, but you never can tell with these shaman folk. They’re crafty buggers. Well at least this one is. Their leader’s more brawn than brain. It’s how I escaped the castle on Xooberon in the first place, tricked him into thinking the King’s Guards were all having it off with his missus. He ran his sword through the lot of them and left me free to sneak away.”

Dixon scratches his head. “I can barely keep up with you and your stories.”

“Well let’s focus on the here and now then. Where is Naboo located and what’s he doing?”

“He seems to be having a smoke. In fact he seems quite relaxed.”

Sure enough Naboo is sitting with his feet up, puffing away on his pipe.

“Where though?” The Hitcher fiddles with the air to the right of the ball and the image pans out to show a veranda. He pans out again. It’s the veranda at the front of the barber shop. They can see the barber sign swinging above Naboo’s head. The Hitcher smiles, “I knew a fella who owned a barbers once. Sweeney Todd was his name. Outstanding chap.”

The Mayor ignores him, “Naboo’s a sitting duck.”

The Hitcher’s not quite so sure. “He looks like he’s waiting for something to happen? Still, time to play my next hand me thinks. Are you ready Mayor?”

The Mayor picks up a couple of sticks of dynamite and holds them up with a grin. “Absolutely, we’re all ready to rumble.”

The Sheriff and Mr. White cordially shake hands half way down the path. Vince can’t quite bring himself to, but he nods a polite hello.

“No bags Mr. White? I take it that means you’re staying put.”

“I thought about it, discussed it with my wife, but I’ve decided to remain here, yes.”

“Are you sure? It won’t be easy being around the Mayor after we all leave.”

“I think my services can be better employed here by keeping the Mayor in check if I can.”

“Well you may be needing this then.” Howard unpins his sheriff’s badge from his jacket lapel and holds it out to Ralfe.

Vince grabs his arm, “What are you doing?”

But Howard shakes off Vince and reaches his hand out further. “I’m giving this to you Mr. White in the hope that you might wear it one day. Here, please take it.”

Ralfe lifts the badge from Howard’s palm and holds it gingerly between his thumb and forefinger. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to do that any time soon, but I promise I’ll look after it, and if, in the future, I get to wear it then I’ll do it with pride.”

“But Howard, how can you give up your badge so easily?” Vince looks perplexed.

“I only just realised, standing here right now Vince, that I’m not going to be Moonstone’s sheriff anymore. As soon as I get on that train it’s over. And who better to eventually replace me than Mr. White?”

Vince fondly strokes his own deputy’s badge before also removing it. “You’re right, of course.” He thinks about handing his over to Ralfe too but has second thoughts, “Do you mind if I keep mine though?”

“You can keep it Vince. I’m sure if Mr. White ever gets himself a deputy then he can have another one made.”

Vince pops his badge into his pocket.

Howard leads Ralfe and Vince and the horses to the side of the path, making way for Jack and Jean Claude’s wagon to pass. “Before we continue down can I ask, have you seen the Mayor today?”

Ralfe White responds in the negative, “No, I’ve not been anywhere near The Bullet. I’m staying clear for the moment, trying to think of a good excuse for staying away last night. Some of the Mayor’s men are here though.”

“The Pipers?”

“No, I haven’t seen them since yesterday either.”

“It’s unsettling not knowing where they are. Which of his men are here then?”

Mr. White points, “Down there, Duke and Nutter. A couple of others there.”

“They’re probably just curious to see what’s going on.”

“Some of the Bullet ladies are here too. Oh, and there’s Chalky. I might just go and have a word with him, ask if he knows where the Mayor is. See you later Sheriff.”

“Thanks Mr. White, oh and by the way, before you go, Bob Fossil’s not dead.”

“What?”

“Yeah, it was all a misunderstanding. He’s very much alive and well.”

“Well I’ll be damned, that’s good news. All the best then Sheriff, and Deputy.” Ralfe doffs his hat.

“It’s just Howard and Vince now.”

Ralfe smiles, “I guess it is, but you’ll always be Sheriff to me. Bye for now.”

Howard and Vince continue down the path, passing as they go four women from The Bullet all laughing together, bosoms half exposed and their underskirts showing.

“I wonder if any will get on the train when it comes.”

“I would if I was them. It can’t be nice working for Bainbridge. I’m sure there’s better pimps around.”

“Really?”

Howard frowns, “No, probably not, but I still hope they leave here if they can. I mean, would you want to screw the same motley bunch of blokes every night, week in week out. It’s not like Moonstone gets many visitors to give them a change.”

Vince smiles, “I don’t mind screwing the same bloke week in week out, but then mine’s not a brutish Piper Twin is he?” The men stop as the path flattens out to a large patch of compacted dirt behind the station. The crowd is heavier here and there’s carts and wagons and all sizes of cases at people’s feet. They’re both very conscious of the milepost a few metres to the left of them, but neither look in its direction. Instead Vince cups Howard’s elbow, “I can’t wait for this to be over, for us and hopefully for everyone.”

“Same here little man.”

Vince spots Mr. Hopkins trying to stack a couple of barrels. “I should go and help.”

“Stay in sight!”

“You too.”

“I want to kiss you. I want the memory of seeing you here in pain to be replaced by the memory of me snogging you here.”

Vince chuckles, “As appealing as that is Howard you can’t. Now give me the horses and you go over there and see Monty. He’s sitting on his own.”

The Mayor darts back in the saloon area of The Bullet, his hands now empty of the dynamite.

“All done. Sammy’s on his way down now with strict instructions to wait twenty minutes.”

The Piper Twins also appear, both wearing bandanas across their faces and large Stetsons.

The Hitcher nods his approval. “Good job boys, you’ll blend in fine. Now do me a favour and hide The Mayor in a cupboard or somewhere similar.”

The Pipers stall. “Boss?”

The Mayor puffs his chest, ‘What the hell do you mean, hide me in a cupboard. I’m not hiding in a cupboard, I’m coming with you.”

“Wrong!” The Hitcher, with a speed of much younger man, jumps up and thwacks Dixon across the side of the head with his cane immediately rendering the Mayor unconscious. “Now, as I said hide him in a cupboard. I’ve no need for him but I like his style so he lives, at least for now. Hurry up, we haven’t much time.”

The Pipers hop to it, half carrying and half dragging the stout Mayor behind the bar and into the storeroom. They hurry back and stand side-by-side in front of their new master, ready and waiting for orders.”

“Take the trunk and strap it to the cart outside. Move the cart so the horse is facing uphill, ready for a quick getaway. Then find the Deputy. Stand as close to him as you can without being spotted. As soon as…what’s his name?”

“Sammy, boss.”

“As soon Sammy blows the track you grab the Deputy, you chuck him in the cart, you tie him up and you bring him to me at the front of the barber shop. Got it?”

“Trunk, cart, deputy, bang, deputy, cart, barbers. Yes boss, we got it.”

“Ooh it’s so exciting ain’t it boys? It’s go time! Now get lost, I need to see a shaman. And boys…”

“Boss?”

“Don’t you dare fuck up.”

Monty clears a spot on the wall so Howard can sit down next to him. “There’s quite a few here Howard. Most don’t have bags or anything, but still, it’s nice to see such support.”

“I didn’t expect it, that’s for sure.”

“You and Vince okay? There’s no sign of the Mayor or the Doctor.”

“It’s a bit worrying, but I’m not sure what we can do about it.”

“And no magic man yet?”

“No.”

“There’s one more packed and ready to leave though. Would you look at that?”

Bob Fossil is running down the hill with a bag in both hands. He trips near the bottom, falls, rolls twice, pushes himself back to his feet and keeps running. He makes a beeline for Vince shouting. “Deputy, Deputy, am I late?”

Howard and Monty watch as Vince helps slow the bank manager down, helps dust him off and helps him add his bags to the pile. They share a laugh.

“He’s a good lad your Vince.”

Howard beams with pride, “He’s wonderful Monty.” His smile lessens, “But now I know that you’re really Gregory, I can’t help but think that you’re probably about Vince’s age. I’m not sure as I don’t know how old Vince actually is, but it sounds sort of funny nowadays, you calling him a lad.”

“I suppose it does, but it’s kind of a habit I guess. I know I act the part of an old man, but I think the aging potion also makes me think like one a bit. It doesn’t only age me physically.”

“Are you going to keep using it? You can ask Naboo, I’m sure he’ll know whether it’s safe to stop or not.”

“Yes, I’ll ask him and then make my decision. I do like who I am as Monty, but it sure would be nice to have a young man’s energy again.” They watch as Vince hauls a couple of water barrels off the Tucker’s wagon and carries them into the shade. “He’s stronger than he looks.”

“Vince definitely fits the ‘never judge a book by its cover’ expression. He’s actually got some muscle on those arms.”

“Well you would know.”

“Monty! If you were a younger man you wouldn’t get away with giving me cheek like that.”

“Get over yourself. I’ll always talk to you like that whether I stay Monty or turn back to Gregory. Making you blush is one of my guilty pleasures.”

Both men laugh again.

From beside the wagon Vince is beckoning Howard to come join him.

“Seems I’m being called Monty.” Howard pats Monty’s knee. “You stay here old man, I’ll be back soon.”

“Hey, less of the ageist abuse!”

“You know you love me!” Howard winks at Monty before jogging over to Vince and the Tucker brothers. “Need my help?”

“Yeah, well more that we said we’d stay together. Jack and Jean Claude have a few more bags and some horse grain to collect from about half-way up. I said we’d give them a hand.”

“Sure.”

Howard and Vince head back up the path, the Tucker’s pulling the now empty wagon behind them.

“Monty alright?”

“Yeah, he seems fine. We were just chatting as to whether he’d become Gregory again, if he can do so. He said he’d ask Naboo about it.”

“Did you see Bobby roll down the hill?”

“I did, it was hilarious. Where did he go?”

“I left him with Mr. Hopkin’s. They’re on the platform with the horses.”

They reach the sacks of feed and stop, waiting for the Tucker’s to catch them up. The Bullet women are still hanging around. They’re being chatted up by a couple of young men that Howard identifies as Lester Corncrake’s eldest sons. There’s other residents milling around too, some kids playing chase in the long grass on the left, three old timers chewing tobacco in the shade of the building. What they don’t notice though, as they start to load the sacks onto the back of the wagon, are the disguised figures of the Piper Twins ducking down low in the back of their cart mere metres from where Howard and Vince stand.

“Hello shaman.”

Naboo sucks at the end of his pipe once more before covering the bowl with his hand to extinguish it and putting it away into an unseen pocket. “Hello demon.”

“How’ve you been? Having yourself a good day?”

“Pleasantries? Really?”

“To the point, I like it!” The Hitcher swings the amulet back and forth in front of him. “I have your key.”

“I can see that.”

“Without it you’re stuck here.”

“That too is true.”

“Want to deal?”

“I’m listening.”

“I’ll give you back the amulet and you fuck off out of here.”

“That’s it?”

“No. You seal the portal shut and none of you bunch of mystical twerps come through again. I’ll know ‘cause I’ll be watching.” He holds up the crystal ball.

“And what will you do Baboo Yagu?”

BOOM!!

The Hitcher jerks his thumb in the direction of the station. “That there, I did that. And what I will be doing next should be appearing any minute now.”

In the aftermath of the railroad explosion there is absolute peace, a gluey silence that descends on every person, a noiseless void full of shocked, terrified faces. There’s a sweet tang in the air and a plume of white smoke ascending from in front of the station.

Then someone screams and everyone decides the best course of action is to run up the hill and away from the detonation point.

Howard, a lawman’s blood still coursing through his veins, decides he should run towards the explosion. Monty’s down there, and Bobby and Mr. Hopkins. His beloved Gideon is down there. He doesn’t think, he heads down the hill, pushing through the tide of people running up and against him.

“Howard wait. Howard!’ Vince jumps down from the back of the wagon, straight into the arms of Jim Piper, the demon who once was Charlie.

“Hello Deputy, long time no see.”

“What the fuck? Get off me!”

Jackie appears at Jim’s side and each of them clutch onto a piece of Vince, forcefully manhandling the smaller man to their awaiting horse and cart. Vince struggles and squirms, shouting for Howard, but his partner is already out of earshot. In the middle of the chaos nobody notices.

“He’s still a feisty one ain’t he brother?”

“Sure is. Quick, push him into the back and grab his hands, I’ll wrap this rope around them.”

The demons Pipers make easy work of shoving Vince into the back of the cart. Jim pins him down whilst Jackie wraps the rope around Vince’s wrists and ankles, effectively hogtieing the Deputy and completely restricting his movements. Vince yells out again but Jim shoves a dirty rag into his mouth and pulls a sack over his head. Jackie sits ready in the driver’s seat, reins in hand.

“Go brother, we got him, go!”

Jackie swishes the reins and the horse and cart take off, uphill and out onto the main street.

Naboo sees the cart shoot out from the side of The Bullet and turn a hard left straight towards them. As it gets closer he makes out what looks like Bainbridge’s bodyguards, The Piper Twins, but they look different somehow. As they near him he can see that they’ve been fully demonised. What worries him more though is the struggling figure, hooded by a hessian bag, who’s sandwiched between them.

The cart pulls up to a stop in front of the barbers.

“Shaman meet the Deputy. Oh no wait, you two’ve met already ain’t ya? You’ve already meddled with him.”

Naboo rises and takes a couple of steps towards the cart. “Where are you taking him?”

“Loverboy and me have a date in the cemetery, but I think you knew that already.”

Vince mumbles his opposition to this suggestion, but his mouth’s clearly been stuffed with something. Naboo can also see the rope binding him. There’s no rescuing him in this moment. He also notices the black clothes trunk half covered by a blanket. He decides to keep talking. “If I take your deal how do I know that you won’t try destroy the Shaman Council too?”

The Hitcher laughs, “Because once I’m finished here then I’ll have no reason to worry about you lot. Besides, gentlemen don’t go back on their word.” The Hitcher climbs into the back of the cart.

Naboo offers a wry smile. “You’re a demon, not a gentleman.”

“I have standards. I have a code.”

“You have bad breath and a penchant for mayhem. I’ve no reason to trust you.”

The Hitcher snarls, “Look, fucking go or don’t go, what do I care? It makes no difference.”

Naboo takes another step forward. “Can I come then?”

“What?”

“If it makes no difference can I come with you?”

“What you planning Shaman?”

“Nothing, but I can’t go home a failure, and I can’t sit here all day, so can I come with you?”

“How do I know you want try to foil my plans?”

“With what? You hold all the cards. You’ve the amulet, you’ve Vince, you’ve demon bouncers and I’m pretty sure you’re concealing a rather sharp weapon. Honestly, I’m bored here. What you’re planning sounds far more interesting than Xooberon, and far more exciting than watching Moonstone go by.”

The Hitcher thinks it over before nodding. “Okay then g’vnor, climb aboard, but no funny business else it’s curtains for you.” He reveals the knife he’s carrying beneath his coat. “The time is nigh. You can come witness the birth of a super-demon.”

“I definitely wouldn’t want to miss that.”

But before he jumps on the cart he gives Bollo a pat and whispers to him “Go find Howard.”

Bollo watches the cart pull away and with a soft snort trots in the direction of the station.

As Howard reaches the base of the path Monty appears, coughing a little.

“You’re okay, thank god. What happened?”

Monty points to the station. “I don’t know but it’s the other side of there.”

“Stay here.” Howard dashes through the thinning smoke and out to the platform. “Mr. Hopkins! Mr. Fossil! Can you hear me?”

“Here Sheriff, we’re over here.”

Howard spins in the direction of the voice and spots both men, along with the horses, tucked behind the end of the station room. He hurries over to them and helps lead them all back to where Monty is still standing.

“Everyone okay?”

Bobby rubs his temples. “My ears are ringing.”

Mr. Hopkins rubs his leg, “And I got kicked by Sunflash when the bang happened but luckily he’s old and doesn’t pack too much of a wallop. Thank goodness they were tied up else they would have bolted.”

“I’m so sorry Mr. Hopkins”, Monty strokes Sunflash between his ears instantly calming the horse. “They must have been so scared.”

Howard pats Gideon too. “Shh, shh, good girl.”

As they stand there shushing their horses Mr. White suddenly appears. “Everyone alive?”

Howard nods, “We’re all okay. Do you know what happened?”

“Sammy Crabbock I think it was. I saw him heading down this way and tried to follow but then ‘boom’. Dynamite would be my guess. It’s blown a piece of the track clear off though. Sorry folks but you won’t be getting on a train today. I’ve sent a couple of lads out on horses to go and turn the train back.”

“The Mayor will be behind it.”

“That would be my guess.”

“Fuck!” Howard can’t help but think of Naboo’s words ‘You can never leave, Moonstone that is. You can try but you’ll always end up back here’.

Everyone looks at each other, faces showing despondency at the news about the track, and yet clear relief that they’re all unhurt. It’s a small moment of respite, a moment that’s destroyed by Monty’s next words;

“Howard, where’s Vince?”

Naboo is sitting quietly in the back of The Hitcher’s commandeered horse and cart, listening to the demon go on and on about his accomplishments and conquests.

“I couldn’t believe it really. It was I who suggested that Cleopatra, or Cleo as I liked to call her, should get word to Anthony that she was dead, knowing that the daft general would kill himself and I’d have a body of a true love to use, but then she only went and killed herself too didn’t she. I thought she was stronger than that. I mean, what was I supposed to do with two dead sweethearts? So I left them, found myself a wannabe novelist called Emily Bronte and got her to write an epic love story. It was my way of letting off steam. Heathcliff was all my idea you know. And her pen name, Ellis Bell, that was my dear ol’ second cousin twice removed on my sister’s side’s name. Might try me hand at that again someday, find an average writer and have a few words in their ear. Or maybe a screenwriter. I could be in the movies!”

Naboo tries to block out the cockney’s rasping voice. It’s gnawing away at his patience. Plus he desperately needs to think of a way to lock the Hitcher in his own trunk without endangering either himself or Vince. He’s set the stage somewhat, but there’s things he hasn’t worked out yet. He thinks of Bollo and hopes Howard understands his signal. If Howard comes to the cemetery too then that could put not a spanner, but certainly a small Allen key into the Hitcher’s works.

The Hitcher’s still talking, “At the end of the day it’s what I have to do. It’s how I’m put together ain’t it? And if I see a fella, or a lady, with a knife I have to get involved. It’s my area of expertise after all. Back in the Iron Age I taught them how to…”

Naboo sighs a deep sigh and, wrongly or rightly, wishes they’d arrive at their destination already.

Beneath the scratchy bag covering his head Vince too is trying to ignore the Hitcher. The demon’s never ending monologue is making him feel nauseous, as is the disgusting rag that’s been filling his mouth since the Piper’s put it there. Try as he might he can’t seem to dislodge it with his tongue. The bumpy uphill journey isn’t helping, and neither’s the million butterflies swirling around his insides.

This, he realises with absolute conviction, are likely his last moments alive.

The only thing that’s stopping him from having an all-out panic attack is the knowledge that Naboo’s is in the cart with him. He hasn’t heard a word from the shaman since they set off together, but he can feel that he’s close. For a second Vince considers if Naboo can read minds and he tries to send out a mental message. Non-surprisingly it doesn’t seem to work.

Vince thinks of Howard and wonders what he’s doing, whether the explosion has hurt anybody, whether Howard’s noticed that he isn’t where he should be yet. He feels so guilty having separated from him again, having been so stupid as to get captured after they swore they’d not leave each other’s sides. He knows how anxious, how scared, how angry Howard will be once he discovers Vince is missing.

But whatever Vince is imaging Howard’s going through is an underestimation. Howard is in full meltdown mode. As Monty’s words sink in, and as a quick look around him confirms Vince didn’t follow him down, Howard’s pulse rate escalates. He’s halfway up the hill in seconds, flinging items out of the wagon and yelling at the Tucker Brothers, asking if they’d seen where Vince went. They shrug and shake their heads. Distress builds and builds in Howard. He’s yelling Vince’s name at the top of his lungs, running up to everybody and spinning them around to check.

The Tucker brothers start yelling Vince’s name too, and by the time the rest of their friends arrive up from the station there’s a whole chorus of voices shouting for the Deputy.

Howard sees Duke knocking on the back door of The Bullet and screams over to him. “Is Vince in there? Who’s in there? Do you know who’s in there?”

Duke flings himself out the way as Howard shoulder charges the door once, twice, three times before Mrs. Hopkins and Sally Glister manage to grab him saying ‘Stop it’ and ‘Please no, you’ll hurt yourself’.

Howard escapes their grip and readies himself for another charge when the commotion and noise is interrupted by a deafening squeal from the top of the path. It’s so loud that it stops and quiets everybody immediately.

Even Howard ceases. He looks to see a little horse rearing up, kicking the air with its two front feet and whinnying with much deliberation.

Bob Fossil, very out of breath from running half-way up the hill, points and shouts, “Howard, it’s Bollo. It’s Naboo’s horse.”

“It is! But where’s Naboo?” Howard stops trying to break into The Bullet and sprints the rest of the way up the embankment. Bollo whinnies again as Howard reaches him, turns and then points his hindquarters in the Sheriff’s direction.

Only Jack Tucker and Mr. White were able to keep up with Howard as he ran and it’s Mr. White who comments now, “It looks like it’s asking you to get on.”

Jack nods in agreement adding, “But whose horse is it? And how are you going to ride something so small?”

Howards doesn’t waste any time answering Jack’s questions though. In one leap and bound he’s seated on Bollo’s back, his feet scraping the floor. There’s no chance of them fitting into the tiny stirrups, and the saddle is digging into his crotch, but he grabs the reins regardless.

As the rest of his friends and other residents finally reach the main street he’s got himself balanced enough to ride. He gives Monty a special smile before addressing the crowd. “I have to go the graveyard. Something really, really bad is about to happen and I have to be there. I haven’t time to explain, but please know, if I never see you again, that’s it’s been an honour and a privilege to serve as your Sheriff. If any of you can still leave today, even if it’s not by train, then I ask you to do so. I hope this isn’t goodbye, but if it is then thank you, all of you, for your support, your kindness and your trust. So long friends!”

Howards guides Bollo to face the other direction and with a ‘giddy up’ encourages the horse to move forward. There’s a five second pause and mass silence as everybody holds their breath in anticipation, waiting to see if the little nag can carry its tall occupant. But after a puff of his nostrils and a stomp of a front hoof Bollo is suddenly at full gallop heading towards the cemetery, and ultimately his shaman master.

The smell from Red O’Reilly’s grave is even worse than Naboo remembers. Vince is dry retching beneath his hood, and even the Piper twins look a little greener around the gills. Only the Hitcher is unaffected.

“Right you two, hand him over to me and get my trunk off the back. Put it there on that flat bit.” The flat bit is a neighboring burial plot.

The Pipers untie Vince’s feet and lead him off the cart. They push him towards the Hitcher who, in one motion, snatches the sack from Vince’s head and holds his sharp, slender blade under Vince’s throat. “Don’t even think about causing me grief pretty boy else I’ll have your ear, or your tongue. You understand?”

Vince gives a slight nod in response.

“What’s that, I can’t hear ya? Here, let me help.” He wrenches the rag from Vince’s mouth and throws it aside. Vince spits and coughs and gags again, the relief from having the cloth removed quickly replaced by the overwhelming smell coming from the pit. His eyes water.

The Hitcher grabs his collar and pulls him to the side of the grave. “Kneel down.”

Vince digs his heels in and holds his position. “No way! What are you going to do to me?”

“I said get down!” The Hitcher kicks at the back of Vince’s knees forcing the Deputy to literally bend to his will.

Before he knows it Vince is kneeling exactly where the Hitcher wants him which is far too close to the edge of the grave and, with his hands still tied together, very vulnerable to attack from behind. Fear and dread start to overtake Vince. He can feel himself trembling and the smell is making him giddy. He entertains the idea that he might be better off fainting. He closes his eyes and wills his mind to travel elsewhere.

Naboo watches Vince closely, sees how pale he’s become, how he’s shuddering and taking sharp breaths. He has to try and delay the Hitcher, has to give Vince time to calm down, give Howard time to reach them, and give himself enough time to iron out the kinks in the plan that’s formulated in his shaman brain. He climbs down from the cart. “So explain to me demon, exactly what is it you are going to do?”

The Hitcher swirls the knife around his own head in an overly dramatic fashion. “Well I’m going to add my final ingredient, the Deputy’s blood, to the eddy below thus creating the Universe’s first ever Swirling Black Hole of Cosmic Terror. I would have thought that was bleedin’ obvious.”

“Yes, yes, I know all that. What I meant was what are you going to do about the Babolisk Oil?”

“Babolisk Oil? What Babolisk Oil?”

“The Babolisk Oil that’s currently flowing around Vince’s veins. He’s chocked right full to the brim with the stuff.”

Vince has opened his eyes. Naboo can see the tiniest glimmer of hope sparkle in them.

The Hitcher points his knife at Naboo. “What the fuck you talking about?”

“Has your changing back into the form of Baboo Yagu wiped your memories of your days as the doctor? You treated Vince yourself didn’t you? You saw how battered he was after being hung from the neck, how black and blue his body was. How is it you think he looks so good now? Babolisk Oil, that’s how, administered by yours truly.”

From the look on the Hitcher’s face it’s obvious he’d forgotten all about treating Vince for the multiple cuts and bruises only a couple of days ago. He grabs Vince’s hair and pulls backwards, exposing the neck so he can see for himself the lack of rope burns. “You gave him fucking Babolisk Oil. Why the hell would you do that?”

“As you’ve already said I like to meddle. It’s more fun having a healthy plaything than an unhealthy one.”

The Hitcher pushes Vince back to the ground. “But Babolisk Oil may not affect anything I’m doing.”

“That’s true, it may do nothing at all to ruin your plans. But just maybe it will. Who knows? With its superior healing properties it impossible to say what Babolisk Oil can achieve? But it would be such a shame to have done all this work only to find it’s wrecked because you chose the wrong star-crossed lover.”

“The other one is oil free?”

“The other is one hundred percent human blood only.”

“Fuck.”

As the Hitcher turns away in angry thought Vince mouths to Naboo ‘don’t get Howard hurt’, but Naboo winks at him in a way that says ‘trust me’ and continues, “What does the book say?”

The Hitcher spins back around. “You’re a nosey bugger shaman, but you’re right. There’s bound to be a mention of Babolisk Oil if not for this spell then in relation to another. There might be a way of sucking it all out of him before I dice him up and feed him to my body-sized melting pot. Oi, boys, come here.”

The Piper Twins take a step forward.

“Listen, we have a problem, the Deputy here might not work out right so we need the other one. You go and get him for me, as quickly as possible. Where’s me crystal ball, it’ll help you locate him. Hang on a tick.”

The Hitcher grabs the ball from his seat in the cart before realising his error. “Shit, I can’t, I’ve nothing of his to hold. Unless…” he looks at Vince, “I guess he’s touched you a lot recently ain’t he.”

Vince tries to back off, but can’t avoid the Hitcher’s boney hand from being placed on his head, the long blackened nails digging into his scalp. He tries to shake off the grip but the Hitcher simply digs in deeper, “Keep still you little twerp.”

In the ball a very fuzzy image starts to grow as the Hitcher mutters his words. At first it’s hard to make out anything, but the image improves as Vince gives up struggling. It’s not great, it’s all static and white lines, but amidst the interference they can just about make out Howard. It’s not clear exactly where he is at first until suddenly, there, just over Howard’s right shoulder, they spot the top of a gravestone. The picture dies.

“Jim. Jackie. Now’s your chance to really prove yourself to me. Me noggin’s got to thinking our Sheriff’s quite close by. How’s about you two give this whole place the once over and shake loose our lawman. Go on then, off you pop. But remember I need him alive.”

The Pipers head out amongst the graves, Jim towards the left and Jackie to the right, in search of Howard.

“As for you pretty boy, let’s see if we can’t get that Babolisk crap out of you. If the Pipers miss the Sheriff I need a contingency plan. One of you is going in that fucking pit or so help me..!”

With gritted yellow teeth The Hitcher pulls Vince to his feet, opens the lid of his trunk and forces the Deputy in. Vince can’t believe what he’s seeing as he steps onto the top of a short set of stairs leading down into a room. This must be what Naboo meant by the Hitcher’s ‘bubble in time’. It’s a nice show of magic. Still he’d rather not be entering into it.

“I’ll just wait here then, you won’t be long will you?” Naboo takes out his pipe as he leans against the side of the cart.

“Nope, won’t be long. But if those twins turn back up with Howard Moon give me a holler won’t ya.”

“Sure thing.” Naboo feigns nonchalance as the Hitcher enters his trunk and closes the lid, but as soon as the demon is out of sight he scuttles over to a nearby tree and digs at its roots. Shallowly hidden in the dirt is a box containing a selection of shaman type things which he’d buried there a couple of hours earlier. Quickly he opens a jar containing what looks like animal hair. It’s thick and long and brown. It’s clearly from Bollo’s mane. He adds to the jar some dark green herbs, a bluish coloured odourless liquid and a teaspoon of salt. He shakes it up, mutters a few words and then pours the whole lot over a banana.

“Time to trade in my familiar.”

Howard’s ducking low behind the tombstone of Tommy the Cheese. He’d not been this close to Tommy’s grave in a long time, and he’d taken the chance to say a quick hello before using it as a hiding spot. He didn’t mention to Tommy that he knew about Dixon being his son. He probably never would.

Howard had arrived at the cemetery gates in record time, had dismounted Bollo quickly and made his way along the fence line to Tommy’s grave. He can see a green glow radiating from the top of the cemetery but as yet has spotted no one else. He thinks that they’re probably all up there though, and he also assumes that Vince must still be alive or else things would have already taken a nasty turn for the worse. Trouble is he’s no idea how long he has left to mount some kind of rescue.

He’d left Bollo at the entrance expecting the little horse to stay put or wander off to eat some grass nearby. What he didn’t expect was for Bollo to transform into a gorilla.

“Hello Howard.”

Howard shrieks when he turns to see the large black ape standing behind him. “Oh my god, oh my god, please don’t hurt me.”

“Howard it’s me, Bollo. Me not hurt you, me here to help.”

“What?”

“Naboo fix me up. Me ape now, not horse.”

“What?”

“Snap out of it Howard.”

From the flanks of the cemetery both Jim and Jackie Piper had heard Howard’s shriek and have now met back up in the middle. They make their way down the centre towards Howard and, unbeknownst to them, Howard’s new friend.

The Hitcher sits Vince down on a stool with a ‘stay there’ and flicks to the back of his big black book of spells. He finds the index and searches the B’s looking for Babolisk Oil, “Babadook summoning, ‘Baba ghanoush poisonings, Babes in the Woods, Babbling Brooks, ah, here we go, Babolisk Oil, pages 1968 and 1973. He looks up at Vince, “I’ll have you sorted in no time.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“What you say boy, you daring to ask me a question?”

“Yeah, I asked why you were doing this. I mean why really? Surely it can’t just be for power and boredom’s sake. Why do you want to screw up everybody else’s love lives so much? Have you never been in love? Is it because you’re lonely? There’s meant to be somebody out there for everybody you know.”

The Hitcher puts his hand on his heart. “There was someone once, but it was a very long time ago.”

“Really? Who?” Vince rises from his stool.

“Why the fuck would I tell you about it?”

“Because I’m asking. Because I’m interested. When was the last time you just had a chat with someone?”

“You what?”

“Well you seem to me like somebody who has a lot to get off his chest. A lot of baggage so to speak. Go one, tell me, who were you in love with?” He takes a few steps towards the table.

The Hitcher doesn’t notice Vince moving, or he doesn’t care. “Elsie Eel.”

“Elsie. That’s a nice name. And how did you meet Elsie?”

“She used to feed me eels. Owned a pie and mash shop in old London town.”

“Eels huh. Sounds delicious.” Vince makes a face of distaste. He’s standing on the other side of the table now and can see for himself the book from which the Hitcher is reading. In fact he can see all kinds of things littering the table top.

“Don’t you be knocking eels boy. Good for you they are. How do you think I’ve kept me youthful figure over the years? Eels!”

“So this Elsie, did you two break up or something?”

“Not exactly. I tricked her into thinking I was a real bloke and invited her to a dance. But once a demon always a demon and things got a bit out of hand. Needless to say Elsie didn’t leave the dance alive. Always regretted that one.”

“Oh dear god.”

“Still the past is the past and I’ve the future to think of. So shut your hole for a bit so I can get to reading.” He turns to page 1968 which is a spell on curing jet lag for time travellers. “Might come in handy one day, but not what I need.” He turns to 1973. “Hang on, this could be it.” The spell is called ‘The Highs and Lows of Babolisk: How to keep it real when you’re on the oil.’ He skim reads the page until he gets to the last paragraph which says, quite simply, ‘to rid yourself of Babolisk Oil shave your head’. “Is that it? All I have to do is butcher your barnet. Well I’ll be damned, which, of course, I am.” The Hitcher opens a drawer and removes a pair of scissors and a cut-throat razor.

Vince starts backing away to the stairs. “Oh no you don’t. No-one touches my hair without invitation, not ever, get it? There’s no way you’re cutting it off.”

“I don’t sees how you have a choice me boy. It’s just me and you, and in case you’ve forgotten from my little Elsie flashback, I’m a flamin’ demon.”

Howard spots Jim Piper just before he spots Jackie. Neither twin are trying to stay out of sight as the walk towards his hiding spot. Becoming demon slaves has made them even cockier.

Howard looks across at Bollo who’s found himself a tree trunk thick enough to conceal his large hairy body. Howard can’t help but smile. The twins have no idea what’s about to be unleashed onto them. As the Pipers get within range Howard pops up from behind the headstone and starts shooting.

In the Hitcher’s underground room the shots can’t be heard, but Naboo hears them loud and clear. The Piper’s must have found Howard. He hopes his Bollo spell has worked.

Before he can help Howard and Bollo though he needs to perform one last trick.

Naboo removes, from the bottom of the box, the very same Babolisk Oil he’d used on Vince. His motive for making the Hitcher focus on the oil in Vince was to get the demon into the chest and looking for a solution, thus giving Naboo the alone time and space to use the oil in a different way, to pour it straight into the grave.

He walks calmly to the side of the pit and tips every last drop into the bubbling vortex below. The sludge immediately stops popping and boiling. It starts thinning and turning a light shade of pink. Within seconds the foul smelling green goop has become a rather pleasant smelling pink liquid not that dissimilar in appearance to strawberry milkshake.

“There we go, that’s better. Now it’s time for Howard and Bollo to make an appearance.”

And, right on cue, Howard and Bollo come strolling up between the graves, Bollo dragging both of the Piper Twins behind him.

Naboo puts his fingers to his lips, stopping either of them from shouting out before they reach him. He beckons them over to the side of the cart.

“Well done”, whispers Naboo. He checks to make sure the twins will be out for a while before telling Bollo, “tie them up tight and put them in the back. And put the blanket over to hide them.”

Howard grabs Naboo’s shoulder. “Where’s Vince?”

“He’s alright, he’s in the trunk with the Hitcher. We’ll rescue him now. Here take this.” Naboo hands Howard a padlock. “Once Vince is out of the trunk and the Hitcher is in it you lock that chest as quick as you can. You see the opportunity you pounce. You’ll only have one shot.”

Howard nods. “Just tell me where to stand.”

“Stand behind the trunk so that if he lifts the lid he doesn’t see you. If you need to then duck behind it. One shot though Howard. Be ready.”

Bollo finishes tying up the Pipers. “What me do?”

“Stay with me. I’m going to call the Hitcher out. If he comes up first then we’ll need to let him out in order to let Vince out too. Your job is to then push him in somehow, as best as you can. If he lets Vince out first then we may be able to close the lid on him. Whatever you both do though try to grab the gold thing hanging from his neck. It’s my amulet. I need it so I can return to Xooberon. It’s important to me.”

“It all sounds a bit risky Naboo. Is it the only way?”

“I’ve stopped him from performing his cosmic terror spell, but unless we trap him he’ll not stop coming for you both. Or he’ll pick on someone else. And he’s a murderer. We have to try.”

“Okay. Lead the way Naboo.”

They all walk over to the trunk and get into position.

“Ready?”

Howard and Bollo nod.

Naboo lifts the lid of the trunk. He immediately sees Vince awkwardly backing up the stairs. It takes him a second to work out that he’s backing away from the Hitcher who seems to be armed with both a pair of scissors and a razor.

“Naboo, help me, he wants to cut off my hair.”

Vince turns and starts running upwards, but the Hitcher pounces and grabs Vince’s foot. Vince slips a couple of steps, banging his chin as he’s unable to break his fall properly with his hands tied. He kicks out at the Hitcher but the demon has a strong hold on the Deputy’s boot.

“Not so fast pretty boy. I need that hair.”

“Get off me you green jerk.” Vince kicks out again and manages to grab hold of the step above his head. He pulls himself a little closer to the exit. “Let me go!”

Back up top Naboo yells at Bollo, “Grab Vince, get him out of there.”

Bollo peers over the edge.

Both Vince and the Hitcher squeal as a huge hairy face blocks the light coming in. The Hitcher’s startled just enough to break his hold on Vince’s foot. Vince springs forward, up and into Bollo’s arms who uses all his monkey strength to yank him free of the trunk.

“Now Howard!” Naboo cries out to Howard as he slams the trunk lid down. Howard springs out from behind the trunk and fits the padlock in place. He pushes it closed with a satisfying click.

Two men, a shaman and a great ape all fall the ground, chests pounding from the sudden exertion. Vince has ended up on top of Bollo, Naboo is sitting against the side of the trunk and Howard is laying on his back.

They all take a moment.

Howard rolls over to find Vince as Vince rolls off of Bollo to find Howard. Their eyes meet and they crawl towards each other. They stand as they meet and Howard grabs Vince, kissing him over and over on the lips and face. He then pulls the shorter man into a huge hug.

“I thought I’d be too late. Thank goodness I wasn’t.”

Vince puts his cheek against Howard’s breastbone. He can hear Howard’s heart pounding away. “I thought I was dead. I’m not sure what’s worse, being fed to this pit or having my hair cut off.”

Howard kisses Vince’s head. “I’d definitely miss your hair. Here, let me untie you.”

Vince raises his hands so that Howard can undo the knots. He gently rubs Vince’s wrists, getting the blood flowing again.

Naboo and Bollo wander over.

“Me Bollo.”

Vince smiles at the ape. “So I gathered. Thank you for your help.”

Bollo looks sheepishly at the ground. “No problem. Me help friends.”

“And thank you Naboo. You saved us. You saved everybody!”

Naboo takes out his pipe and lights it. “Yeah, well I’m Naboo. It’s kind of what I do.”

“Was that true, what you told the Hitcher about the oil running through me still?”

“No, that would be long out of your system by now. But I was counting on the fact that he wouldn’t know that. Demons don’t tend to work with potions that help people, only with those that hurt. I know it meant putting you at risk a little, but I had to get him away from the grave so I could pour Babolisk Oil into it. And it worked a treat, look.”

They all take a peek into the hole.

“Sure smells better than it did.”

“So is it safe?”

“Well right now it’s changed its makeup. It was a vortex ready to be unleashed. At the Hitcher’s command it would have sought out and destroyed pure love wherever it found it by pulling that love into its empty centre. Now it’s a vortex with a purpose. Its centre is no longer empty. Exactly what exists depends on a variety of factors, but we do not know but it’ll be a more of a world and less of a nothingness. If we fill the grave in then no-one will ever know it’s here.”

“And is the Hitcher really trapped?”

Naboo taps the lid of the trunk. “He won’t get out for a very long time.”

“So we’re safe?”

“For now. I wish we’d been able to grab the amulet though. He could make some use of that.”

Vince holds up the gold ornament still hanging from its chain. “What, do you mean this?”

Naboo takes it from Vince’s hand. “How did you get it?

“I pocketed it when the Hitcher wasn’t looking. He removed it to study that big book down there. I thought it looked kind of fancy so I grabbed it.”

“Brilliant. That’s saved me all kinds of trouble.”

“And me save Vincey from bad demon.”

“Yes, Bollo you did alright.”

“Me hero.”

“Well let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Naboo turns to the cart. “I suppose I should sort the Piper Twins out then. Not sure if I’ll be able to undemonise them but I’ll give it a go. Bollo, come help to get them out.”

“Right.” Bollo ambles over to his master.

Howard smiles at Vince. “Not the most romantic of places to tell you that I love you.”

Vince grins back. “Aside from the near ending of the Universe it was all pretty exhilarating though wasn’t it? And you were brilliant, as usual.”

“You did you fair share too.”

“Well what are lawmen for if not for saving the day?”

Howard laughs. “It’s quite an introduction to sheriffing you’ve had.”

“Ain’t it just?”

“Still, I’m officially retired now.”

Vince smiles, “You still want out?”

Howard nods. “I’m done. Mr. White kept my badge and that makes me happy.”

“Was anyone hurt after that explosion? What was it?”

“Everyone’s fine. Someone blew the track with a stick or two of dynamite.”

“So no one got on a train then?”

“No, not today, but the track will be fixed in no time. You still happy to leave Moonstone Vince?”

“If you don’t want to stay then neither do I.”

“I know it sounds odd after fighting so hard for this town but I need a clean start.”

“Too many memories?”

“Yeah, I think so. Time to make new ones.”

“With me?”

Howard nods again, “If you fancy it, yeah.”

Vince puts his hand out towards Howard and wiggles his fingers. The Sheriff takes the Deputy’s hand into his own and squeezes. “Together?”

“Together!”

They turn towards Naboo and Bollo to see if they can help when, without warning, the air is suddenly full of the sound of gunfire and a roaring voice.

Pop! Pop! Pop!

“I’ll get you all, you fucking sons of bitches.”

Pop! Pop! Pop! Click!

They all spin towards the sound, and to the view of Mayor Bainbridge charging towards them, a pistol in each hand.

Pop! Pop!

“Die motherfuckers!”

Pop!

“Hit the deck!” The Sheriff yells above the noise whilst simultaneously unholstering his own gun.

Pop! Pop! Pop!

Howard sees Naboo and Bollo dive to the floor. “Down! Stay down!” He falls to his own stomach, arms outstretched and taking aim at the Mayor. He looks up at Vince. “Fucking get down!!”

But the Deputy’s standing stock still.

“Vince!”

Bainbridge has sprinted to a halt about ten metres from them all. He’s still firing but his guns are empty. He falls to his knees. “You bastards!”

Bollo, realising the danger has passed, charges over and sits down heavily on the Mayor.

“Ooof.”

“Bollo stop crazy man.”

“Vince!” Howard’s eyes widen. Vince looks down at his shirt as a red stain starts to spread across the white linen. He puts his hand over the spot, watching as blood, bright and glistening, leaks between his fingers.

“Vince?”

The Deputy looks back at the Sheriff, his face white. “Howard, I…” He wobbles before taking a step backwards and letting his legs fold beneath him.

“VINCE!!” Howard half stumbles and half crawls over to his partner. “You’re alright little man, you’re gonna be alright.” He tears open Vince’s shirt exposing a perfect hole just below Vince’s heart. Blood is oozing out too quickly. “Naboo! Help me!” But Naboo is already at Howard’s side, whipping off his turban and pressing it against Vince’s wound.

“Help him Naboo.”

Naboo presses harder, “Shit, this is bad.” His turban is already changing from purple to maroon. He bundles the material up tighter, packing the wound as best as he can. “Talk to him Howard.”

“What?” Howard is visibly scared shitless, “Give him some of that oil man. For fuck’s sake, fix him.”

Naboo shakes his head. “I can’t, it’s all gone into the eddy. I’m really sorry Howard.”

“You have to help him. You’re a fucking shaman aren’t you? Shaman something up, do something! Naboo please!”

Naboo looks at Vince’s face. The Deputy’s eyes are open but they’re clearly having trouble focusing.

“Howard listen”, snaps Naboo, “I’m doing this”, he motions to his hands and the turban, “I’m giving you time. Use it wisely and talk to him.”

Tears burst aggressively from Howard’s eyes, but he swallows down his sobs and cradles Vince’s head in his hands.

“Vince, look at me. Come on little man, look at me.”

Vince blinks twice before finding Howard’s face. “Howard?”

“I’m here.”

“It’s not good is it?”

“You’re fine Vince. Come on now, you’re going to be fine. It’s just a flesh wound.”

Vince tries to smile but his body shudders and he wheezes instead. “I’m dying.”

“Vince please, save your breath a moment. You need your strength.”

“I can feel it, like a cold chill spreading through my body, death’s icy fingers.” Vince coughs and a small trickle of blood appears at the corner of his mouth.

Howard quickly wipes it away. “No Vince, you’re not dying, I won’t let you.” He wipes the fringe from Vince’s forehead. “Just focus on me yeah.”

“Are you crying?”

“Yeah, a bit.”

“Fuck, it is bad then.”

Howard kisses Vince’s hand. “Just relax.”

Vince closes his eyes. “I’ll never get to hear you play piano for me now. I so wanted to hear you. And I’m a great front man Howard. We could have toured.”

“Shhh!”

“He got me proper didn’t he, the Mayor I mean? I can’t believe he’s finally killed me.”

“You’re not dead. I love you Vince. What will you wear tomorrow do you think?”

“You’re trying to change the subject Howard, but I know I’m going. I can feel it. But I love you too and thanks for everything.”

“Vince, stop!”

“No Howard, I’ve not got long. I have to tell you that I understand now.”

“What?”

“That I’m supposed to die Howard. I get it. I can sense it.”

“Don’t say this. I love you. Stay with me.”

“I can’t, not now. Don’t you see Howard, Naboo said as much. We can’t be together, not here, not like this. We…us…we’re too much, we’re too big, too consuming. We have to part. To win we must lose.”

“Vince”, Howard’s tears are dripping off his chin, “You know I’m not sure about all this fate and destiny and soul mate stuff. I just want you. Nothing else matters. Please, you’ve got to stay with me.”

Vince opens his eyes and Howard is yet again hit by the flash of blue. Vince tugs on Howard’s arm encouraging the bigger man to lean in, “Kiss me Howard, before it’s too late.”

“I’m not saying goodbye”, Howard wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, “I’m not saying fucking goodbye”. He grabs Naboo’s hand, “Please Naboo, make him okay.”

“He’s not got long. I’m sorry.”

“No Naboo, stop it.”

“Howard. Howard!” Vince reaches for Howard again and pulls as hard as he can, “Come here.”

“I can’t”.

“Please, I love you, please. Please!” Vince pulls again. “Kiss me.”

“I can’t.”

“I thought it would hurt, death I mean. I thought it would really hurt, but I can’t feel anything. I’m not in pain. But I do feel a bit scared. Please, kiss me. I don’t want to be scared. I need you. Please hold me and kiss me.”

“I love you.”

“I know. Hold me.”

Howard lifts the top half of Vince into his lap, wrapping his arms around the smaller man’s neck and chest in a warm embrace. “I don’t want you to go.”

“I regret nothing. I love you.”

“I love you too, with all I am and all I have to give. I love you Vince.”

Howard bends into Vince, placing his lips upon those of his true love.

Vince kisses back…

…until he doesn’t.

…

…

…

Naboo squeezes Howard’s arm. “Leave him be Sheriff.”

Howard pulls Vince even tighter to his chest and rocks him, tears streaming down his face. “What the fuck Naboo? How can this be fair?”

“It’s not.”

“What did Vince ever do to anybody? He doesn’t deserve to go out like this.”

“No.”

Howard kisses Vince’s head before carefully laying him to the ground. He strokes the Deputy’s face, runs his finger across Vince’s lips. His tears keep flowing. “All he’s had since he met me is danger and violence. This beautiful man, I ruined him and I’ve killed him.”

“No Howard, this isn’t on you. And he’s not dead yet. Not quite yet anyway. We’ve still a little time. Make your peace.”

“What do you mean?”

“Vince is right, this is how it should be.”

“You expect me to believe this was meant to happen?” You expect me to accept that Vince was due this horrible death in order to save the Universe? Well fuck the universe and fuck you. It makes no fucking sense.”

“Howard please. I know you’re angry but yes, I think this was always going to happen.”

“Angry doesn’t come close. Fucking Bainbridge!” Howard picks his gun up off the ground and storms over to where Bollo is still sitting on the Mayor. “You piece of evil shit.” He points the gun at the Mayor’s head. “You killed him, you rotten scum, you killed the only thing I’ve ever truly loved. Why?” Howard shakes his gun. “I asked why?”

Dixon shields his face with his arm. “Because I hate you”.

Howard kneels down right in front of the Mayor and pulls the arm away. “You shot Vince because you hate me. Is that it, really? Petty hate.” He cocks his gun and puts the barrel against Dixon’s forehead. “I should kill you, right here and right now.”

“Go on then, or are you chicken?”

Howard’s finger twitches over the trigger, fury and grief racing through him, yelling at him to pull the trigger and end this nightmare once and for all.

“No Howard.” Naboo rests his hand on Howard’s shoulder. “He’s not worth it, and it’ll destroy you. Besides you need to come with me now if you want to save Vince.”

Howard takes a breath and de-cocks the hammer. He walks back to Vince and sits down next to his partner, taking the Deputy’s hand into his own. “He looks like he’s sleeping.”

Naboo sits cross legged, across from Howard. “Are you ready to hear what you have to do?”

“Will it bring Vince back to me?”

“In a manner of speaking.”

Howard looks up into Naboo’s eyes. “Don’t bullshit me shaman.”

“I’m not. Vince is dying, he’s got mere minutes left, but there’s a way for him to live again.”

“I don’t understand. How?”

“Magic, a little bit of luck, and the sacrifice we talked about earlier.”

“Vince has been shot, isn’t that sacrifice enough?” He holds Vince’s hand against his cheek. “I don’t know if I can take much more.”

“Just a little more Howard, you just need to take a little more.”

“I do love him Naboo.”

“I know you do, and for a few glorious days that love shined brighter than any star. It closed rifts and healed wounds from one side of the cosmos to the other. And here, today, your love helped save the whole Universe. But love can manifest itself in a hundred different ways, even true love. It doesn’t have to be like this, full of physical passion and intense desire. It can be a love between friends. Mates too can be star-crossed, destined to meet and live a full and happy life together. It’s this that I offer to you and Vince today. I’m offering you a world of friendship to save Vince’s life. The sacrifice is you’ll no longer see each other as physical partners. Well you might a bit, but not really. Basically you’ll be sacrificing one type of love for another.”

Naboo stops speaking. He studies Howard’s face.

The Sheriff doesn’t really know how to answer or what to ask. He kisses Vince’s hand. “I don’t want Vince to die.”

“Then this is your only option.”

Howard nods and lays Vince’s hand down. “What do I have to do?”

Naboo stands up. “Good. It’s the right call Howard. And it’s simple really. The pit is full of Babolisk Oil. Step through it and Vince will be cured. You too will find every bit of damage to your body disappears. But if you step through you’ll end up in another world somewhere through time and space. I know not where, I just know that when you emerge through the other side you will no longer see Vince as your lover you’ll see him as your best friend, and all your memories of here, of Moonstone, of everything, will have disappeared and been replaced with a mash-up of random memories selected for you by the vortex.”

“Can’t we just sort of wallow in the pit, cure ourselves and remain here.”

“No, it’s a vortex. It’ll suck you straight through. Once you’re in that’s it.”

“So it’s no more Monty, no more Bob Fossil, and no more Bainbridge?”

“I don’t think so, but who knows what’s on the other side, or how your new world will evolve around you.”

“Evolve around us? Do you mean it’s created for us?”

“Sort of, it’s more like it’s created from you. The Vortex will set you up somewhere, using what it gains from your brains and your bodies as you pass through. The world then continues to grow from your collective experience, yours and Vince’s. How you respond to situations, your emotions, your choices, everything will come into play. Some of your traits will be exaggerated, some will be downplayed. You’ll still be you, but it’ll be a different version of you”. Naboo bends down and presses his fingers to the side of Vince’s neck. “I’m sorry Howard but his pulse is fading fast. You have to decide for sure, it’s now or never.”

“Yes, now, I’ll do it now before I change my mind. How do we get in there?”

Naboo gestures to Vince. “You’ve carried him before haven’t you? Pick him up and step in.”

“Into the pit?”

“Yes. It won’t hurt, I promise.”

Howard leans down next to Vince and strokes the Deputy’s face one last time. He scoops him up in his arms, memories of having done this before flooding back, memories that are about to be extinguished forever. He kisses Vince’s forehead and once more Vince’s lips before moving to the side of the pit.

“Naboo, I’m not sure how much of a part you played in everything, how much the Universe did, or how much was Vince and me acting alone, but I want to thank you for helping to give me the happiest few days of my life. I hope I see you again one day.”

Naboo takes a small bow. “Goodbye Howard Moon and goodbye Vince Noir. It’s been my pleasure.”

Howard steps forward and into the vortex.