No doubt Vince is popular, it's isn't the first time he's been photographed or mentioned in cheekbone... but what if that publicity gets out of hand?
Category: The Mighty Boosh
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Warning: Smut (graphic sex scenes)
Length: 1-5k words
Notes: This was written at 4am when I had no more howince fics to read, so prepare for a lot of mistakes! Hoping to continue this seeing as I can’t post about my love for these two anywhere else. So with that, all aboard the story express!
Cheekbone by Wamoon
Howard’s and vince’s mornings were two separate experiences entirely, it only made sense seeing as the two were two very different individuals entirely.
I’m sure you could imagine. Howard would wake up to his alarm early morning so he could open the shop. Mind groggy from Vince’s late night ponderings about things like turanturlar eggs in bananas, or other equally bizarre questions. Luckily the jazz that played on his alarm clock would clear his mind, Charles Mingus metaphorically wiping the sleep from his eyes to a new day of new possibilities. He’d scratch his morning stubble and crack his back with a pained grunt, he really was no spring chicken anymore. Before the jazz trance got to him, or a jazz rash got to Vince, he’d turn off the alarm radio with a groan, needing some caffeine in his system. Maybe a sneaky cigarette if Bollo and Naboo weren’t still up from smoking hookah all night.
With clumsy feet and eyelids heavy, Howard would stumble out bed with another yawn. It would be no surprise to him to see Vince’s still under a mountain of blankets, and the other would stay there too until it reached afternoon. That’s if Howard didn’t throw a dence pillow at his bed, unfortunately for Vince this morning Howard did, stirring the other man from his beauty sleep.
This is when Vince would wake up from his colourful dreams, this time he dreamt Howard took off his skin like some sort of human suit to reveal he had been a unicorn this entire time! The thing of legends, Imagine that! Vince thought this was genius and that entire night he rode the unicorn to all sorts of crazy adventures. “5 more minutes Howard.” He would mumble before he’d sink further in to his silk sheets. But before he’d slip back into his imagination Howard would chuck another pillow.
“I don’t think so little man! Let’s see if you can at least try to be on time for work this morning, hey?” Howard’s voice would sound muffled to Vince through the layer of blankets. “ come on, rise and shine! you dream plenty in the day time anyway.”
To this vince would smile and roll his eyes, “alright, alright.” finally stepping out of his warm luxurious sheets and onto a his side of a fashion clattered floor, he then would fish his thin kimono out of that said sea of clothes.
“Oi next time keep your tweed pillows offa’ my designer sheets you nonce”
Vince would hit Howard’s now retreating form with those pillows.
Behind him Howard would then hear shuffling, indicating to him Vince had actually listened. Moving on to the kitchen he would imagined a flock of animals coming to aid Vince like a fairly tail princess. He’d chuckle at the thought.
And that’s how their morning usually started, unfortunately for Howard, Bollo and naboo had been up all that night, and his sneaky nicotine hit would have to wait for another one of those upcoming mornings.
“Alright?” Came a sleepy voice behind Howard who was whipping up some scrambled eggs in the kitchen. He turned from the sizzling pan to see Vince making his way past the high shaman and gorilla on the black and white patterned couch. His hair was done up in a towel, as usual he’d showered first thing after waking up.
“morning Vince.” Bollo greeted while Naboo just gave a curt nod.
“Have you two been up all night again?” Vince smirked coming to a stop, hands on his hips.
“Yeah, got this great stuff from a Shaman on the other side of town.” Naboo answered with an exhale of smoke. “Haven’t been able to put it down.”
Vince shook his head with a smile. “ kinda wish you did, smells like a burnt down circus in here!”
Before Howard could even question how Vince would even know what that smells like, Vince had turned to step foot in the kitchen.
“Alright Howard?” The shorter smiled going over to the kettle that had just finished boiling.
“Alright.” Howard nodded, before turning the stove off. “Breakfast is ready.”
“Ugh I can’t eat that! do we have any low fat yogurt?”
“What you want low fat yogurt for? I’ve made a proper hearty breakfast right here for us all.” Howard gestured to the meats, cooked tomatoes and beans.
“Yeah, well I’ve got a figure to keep don’t I?” Vince gestured to his body in return. “If I continue eatin’ like that, I’ll start going round in the belly like you!”
“How dare you, sir! I’m built like a sturdy Northern! nothing but solid foundation here, and what better to feed a tall man of my statu—” Howard’s speech was cut short by the smaller man’s hand on his stomach. Vince eyed him with a knowing grin. “… Don’t touch me.”
“Maybe we both should be lay off the bacon and eggs.” Vince laughed, returning to the kettle to make Howard and him tea.
“No need, I eat very healthy, thank you. I ain’t gonna start doing this low fat nonsense over a bit of extra thickness. No sir.” Howard proclaimed as he dished out breakfast. “Not only that, but they say you gain a lot of weight before you lose it.”
“Who say’s that?”
“you know… they… the exercise type peo-look! What I’m saying is I exercise unlike you. I wouldn’t be surprised if I lose all this by tomorrow.”
“I’d hardly call your ‘jazzercise’ exercise.” Vince chuckled sipping his tea. “Ain’t that class meant for old people to keep in shape?”
Howard screwed his face, deciding to ignore the other and rummage through their fridge instead. Looks like they actually happened to have low fat yogurt, he wondered if it was out of date.
“And listen I do too exercise! I’d like to see your lanky ass last at top shop when there’s a sale happenin’, I must work off pounds when I’m in there!”
“Vince, wrestling with a young girl over a pair of glittery pants isn’t exercising.”
“And blowing a trumpet with a bunch of sweaty grandpa’s is?”
“Will you ball bags stop your bickering, the case of the munchies have hit me over ere’!” Naboo interrupted from where he lounged on the couch.
Howard rolled his eyes, thrusting the container of yogurt into vince’s chest. He never did end up checking the expiry date, but at this point he’d actually enjoy if Vince ate something spoiled.
Once breakfast was done Howard was able to retreat into the bathroom to finally freshen up. Vince had vanished back into their room to get ready for the day, he could hear him re-amerged every so often to ask Bollo what he thought about his outfit. It took Howard a few minutes to groom and get dressed, it took Vince hours.
Howard gargled his mouthwash before spitting, then bared his teeth in the mirror. He notice his moustache was a bit longer over his top lip so he moved to give it a quick trim, he’d also have to shave his stubble this morning. The last time was a couple of days ago now, it’d grown more into a beard. Large hands rumeged through messy draws on the search for his razor, it was like looking for a needle in a sea of vince’s hair products and lotions. Howard now getting annoyed grunted as he started throwing things about. Most of these never ending bottles were empty, why did Vince keep them?
“Vince!” Howard boomed, still chucking bottles open bottles out of draws. “Have you seen my razor!?”
To the sound of heals walking towards the closed door, Howard finally stopped his search with a defeated sigh. Black tosseld locks peaked through the bathroom door. “What are you blabbering on about in ere’?”
“My razor.” Howard turned from the disheavled draws with a frown, hands moving to adjust the towel that had loosened around his hips from his searchings. “You haven’t used it on Bollo’s fur again have you? How many times have I told you Bollo’s a gorilla, he doesn’t have a beard. His whole body is just one b—”
“Oh whateva’, I haven’t used your gross old razor, alright?” Vince rolled his eyes, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. Vince was still in the middle of getting ready, half his hair had been straightened while the other half was pulled into clips. His outfit was bright and glittery but Howard new this was most likely number 4 out of 20 outfit changes.
“Yeah well, I doubt it just grew a pair of legs and up and went.” Howard huffed, moving to look through the draws again.
“How do you know? I bet my socks do that all the time, at least only the left ones. Where else would they go?” Vince laughed. “ If I was your razor, I’d knick off the first chance I got too.”
“I don’t think so, sir! I take good care of my belonging unlike you, I have a specific place for everything. Not only that but my trusty shavette razor has been with me for generations, my father gave it to me and his farther to him! It has served the Moons with one clean shave at a time.”
“If it’s that old maybe it finally turned to dust.”
Howard frowned, the draws did look extra dusty… no, he kept it in a nice leather case, that wasn’t that old… plus he polished and took care of the razor regularly, it wasn’t like it was a rusty piece of decaying metal. “No, that doesn’t seem right.” Howard scratched at his beard. “ we must have a dirty razor stealer on our hands Vince, I should probably let the people know, maybe get the police involved…”
“Over a flimsy razor!?”
“Yes Vince! How many other men will wake up in the morning, hearts broken to find their razor stolen? This injustice has to be tended to sir!”
“You know I kinda like it when you have your stubble like that, scruffy is in at the moment.” The shorter changed the subject, quickly before Howard prolonged the speech. “You should keep it like that!” Vince moved a hand to Howard’s facial hair. But Howard was just as quick to bat Vince’s hand away.
“No, thank you! I happen to like looking fresh and clean shaven.” He looked into the mirror anyway to take in the scruffy look, he guessed he didn’t look all that bad…
“If you have such a problem with it you can just use mine.” Vince leaned a hand on the sink next to Howard, looking up at the northern with a smile.
“You don’t have a razor Vince.”
“Course I do!” He now frowned, stepping back to put hands on his hips. “How do you think I keep my face so smooth all the time you bollock?”
Howard blinked, moving his gaze to the other. “I thought you just couldn’t grow facial hair.” He shrugged. Vince looked offended for some reason.
“I reckon I could grow a fuller beard then you if I wanted to.”
To this Howard laughed. “Sure thing, little man.” Vince tsked. “Can I use your razor then?”
Vince kicked the empty bottles at his feet still looking a little offended. “You’re lucky I want to keep my whole androgynous look or I’d give you a run for your money!” He then disappeared through the door only to return moments later.
“You’ve got the stuff then? Hand it over.” Howard reached over for the blade the other now held.
“No way!” Vince pulled back protectively. “If you’re using my razor then I’m doing the deed.”
“What?” The hand Howard held out now returned to his face, rubbing at his facial hair with a worrisome look. “What makes you think I’ll let you just start carving at my face?
“Since this is a sapphire luxury 3000! stainless steal and engineered for perfect balance by Japanese swordsmiths themselves.” Howard could have sworn he heard chimes. “This thing is worth more then your life.”
Howard tried not to gape at the small silver razor, what he’d do to get one of those for himself… no, he was a simple man. He didn’t need luxurious and expensive items for his daily needs. Plus he’d be damned if he let Vince have a go at his facial hair, who knows what he’d do? Howard didn’t doubt for a second he’d try and shave off his beloved moustache. Yes, Vince admitted to cutting his hair in the night, calling himself the midnight barber like some sort or perverted hairdresser. And he hadn’t cut Howard’s hair in a way that took away his look yet… but to let Vince get so close to his face with something so sharp… he’d be walking away with some cuts for sure, it didn’t matter how good Vince was at shaving his own face.
“C’mon then! Take a seat on the loo so I don’t have to be reaching up.” Vince tried to manoeuvre the taller by his arm, he seemed way too excited for Howard’s liking.
“I don’t know Vince… you’re asking for a lot of trust here.” He gulped pushing at the hand that led him. “Have you ever shaved someone’s face before?… And yes, that’s excluding your own.”
“how hard can it be?” He shrugged, grabbing at Howard’s shoulders now to try and get him to sit. Which after a lot of struggle, he finally did. “Alright, now don’t move!” Howard watched as he fetched the shaving cream from the draws he just made a mess of, frowning when he realised Vince didn’t have to tear the place apart looking for something like he always did. Things always just worked out for the little prick.
Howard snapped back to reality when a slim finger lifted up his chin and cold foam was added to his jaw, his eyes shifted nervously, refusing to stare at the other.
“Stop your fiddling about would ya? You’re gonna make me mess up.” Vince gestured to Howard’s legs that had began to bounce due to his anxiety.
“I can’t help it can I? You’re coming at me with with sharp blades, it’s only natural I’m going to be a bit nervous.”
“Yeah well your ‘nervousness’ is what’s gonna lead to you being sliced and diced!” Vince leaned back when this only made Howard more fidgety. “Alright, I got an idea.”
Vince reached behind for the toilet backing, his arms now on either side of Howard’s head who only rose a questioning brow. Then his eyes nearly popped out his skull when Vince straddled his lap and took a seat. “Vince, wha—”
“Alright! Shut your mouth, this way you won’t be bouncing about.” Vince rolled his eyes, hand resuming position under his chin.
Howard stuttered but shut his eyes and obeyed anyway, he could feel Vince’s breath on his face… the last time the other man had been this close they’d been on the roof and-Cold metal touched the side of Howard’s jaw making him flinch, he inhaled sharply through his nose.
Everything was so much more intense when under the impression you could be cut at any given time. He could feel the blades gently sliding against his skin with each stroke, Vince’s fingers under his chin manoeuvring his face for better angles, and the warmth from his body over him. He realised he was only wearing a towel still…
This was all a bit too… intimate… much more intimate then they were usually… Howard gulped, Vince had now lifted his chin to shave under his jaw. The blade moved over his Adam’s apple and he gulped again. If Vince secretly wanted to kill him, now would be the perfect time for the electric ponce to strike. Howard had accidentally snapped one of Vince’s Gary Numan CDs the other day, Vince had discarded it on the bedroom floor so it wasn’t entirely Howard’s fault when he stood on it… but he sure hoped the other wasn’t thinking of that particular moment right now…
“Done!” Vince’s voice snapped him from his thoughts. “Wasn’t so bad was it?” And it hadn’t been, much to Howard’s surprise. Vince leaned to the side to grab a wet towel from the sink, still seated on Howard’s lap. Much to Howard’s horror he realised he’d been holding Vince’s waist in an iron grasp, he let go quickly as if scolded. Not knowing what to do with his hands, he let them dangle at his sides awkwardly.
Vince dabbed the wet clothe over smooth skin, relishing in his work. It was too tempting, Vince always had to touch his masterpieces, so discarding the clothe he now caressed Howard’s face. He smiled as Howard only frowned, waiting for the usual ‘don’t touch me’ line. His hands were on either side of his jaw, thumbs caressing his smooth cheeks.
“You know you can get off me now, right?” Howard cleared his throat.
Vince huffed but obliged. “A thank you would be nice!”
“Doing my own shave would have been nice! We all can’t get what we want, Vince.” Howard moved past the pouting man to look in the mirror, it was probably the cleanest shave he’s ever had.
“Next time I’m going to shave off that mocha stain on your lip, you can count on it.” And with that Vince exited the bathroom and rest of that morning continued how it usually did.
Luckily mornings were pretty secluded for the two, so their odd occassional closeness was unseen by others excluding sometimes Bollo and Naboo. Though, unfortunately for the two, things were about to get out of control as the day progressed…