Moonstone Cowboy

Come with us now on a journey to… The Wild West and the town of Moonstone. Vince is the cute cowboy with a big heart and an even bigger wardrobe. Howard is the dark and lamenting Sheriff trapped in an emotional cycle of guilt and need. In a world that’s like, but not like, the Boosh we know and love anything can happen (AU). But mostly our lads get in loads of bother. There’s plenty of mature imagery peeps so M+ for sex, violence, hurt/comfort, darkness, slash, angst etc.

Category:

Characters: , , , ,

Pairing:

Genre: , , , ,

Rating:

Warning: , , , , , ,

Status:

Length: words

Unlocked

Unlocked

“Mayor, this is a very fortunate meeting I must say.” Naboo walks Bollo to a stop in front of Dixon Bainbridge and his two Piper muscle men. “This I believe belongs to you.” Naboo points to Bob Fossil who’s lying inert across the saddle.

The Mayor dismounts and passes his rein to Eddie Piper. He strides across to Naboo’s horse and lifts Bobby’s head by the hair, studying his face intently. He turns to Naboo.

“What happened to him?”

“I don’t know. I found him like this.”

“Where?”

“Outside my cave. I think he’d walked there as there’s no other horse.”

“When?”

Naboo doesn’t answer, he just starts to undo the straps that are keeping Bobby in place. Bainbridge is quick to stop him.

“Hey, hey, what are you doing?

“Giving him back to you. I don’t want him littering my doorstep.”

“Are you mad man?”

“No, I’m shaman.”

“Aren’t you the least bit curious about how he wound up dead?”

Naboo answers without expression. “No.”

“Not at all?”

“No.”

“Are you curious why I’m here?”

Naboo smiles, “I assume you’re after more owl beaks.”

Bainbridge flaps his hand in front of Naboo’s mouth. “Shush man, not so loud. That’s private business and not at all why I’ve come.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear it’s all working down there for you now.”

“What, no it isn’t, I mean it is, no, what I mean is that’s not why I came to see you. I came looking for this man.”

“The dead one?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then, here he is, I’ll be on my way.”

Naboo turns as if to continue unstrapping Bobby’s bindings. Bainbridge has to stop him again.

“No, I mean I was hoping to find him alive not dead. He disappeared last night and I suspected that he might be with you.”

Naboo raises one eyebrow. “Well you’re half right aren’t you? He’s kind of with me.”

Bainbridge feels the frustration building inside of him. “Look here you tiny mystical freak, I want some answers and I want them now. How did Fossil escape my room, what’s he doing out here with you, and how is Sheriff Moon involved?”

Naboo is again unresponsive.

“Arghhhh, that’s it! Right you and you,” Dixon points at each of the Piper Twins, “Get Fossil down off that ridiculously small nag and strap him to the back of one of yours. And you,” he turns and points a firm finger straight into Naboo’s face, “You are coming with us.”

Naboo shrugs nonchalantly. “Sure, why not, I haven’t got much on anyway.”

Howard and Vince share a brief hug in the recess at the back of the Hopkins’ house before Vince asks, “So, how did it go?”

“Yeah, fine actually. Like you said I think they were mostly relieved.”

“I figured they’d rather not see you put yourself in harm’s way.”

“Guess not. Mrs. Hopkins started crying.”

“Oh.”

“As did Jean Claude.”

“That’s nice.”

“Is it? I feel quite guilty now.”

Vince gives Howard’s arm a comforting rub. “So what now lawman, back to the jailhouse?”

“No, I want to quickly check on my horse first.”

“You planning on taking it with you?”

“Maybe yeah, if the train has a suitable carriage.”

“I never asked, what’s he called your horse?”

“She, and she’s called Gideon.”

“Cool name.”

“C’mon I’ll introduce you properly. You didn’t get a chance earlier.”

The men discreetly make their way to the stables which are located at the back of Susan Glister’s dressmakers, a stone’s throw from the jailhouse. Howard sticks his head in first to make sure no-one’s present before urging Vince quickly inside and pushing the smaller man up against the wall. Before he knows quite which way he is facing Vince feels the familiar tickle of Howard’s moustache against his throat.

“Ha-ha, Howard stop-it. For Christ sake man you’re insatiable. We’re here for Gideon remember.”

Howard nuzzles below Vince’s ear. “I can’t help it. You’ve turned me into one huge randy mess.”

Vince cups Howard’s crotch. “Huge is about right.” He tilts his head back in a moan as Howard finds his pulse point. “And if you keep doing that then a mess is all that will become of me.” He grabs Howard’s head and forces him to look him in the eye. “Gideon first and then…” he looks around him and spots a wooden ladder leading up to a loft space. He looks back at Howard,”…then what say we test the softness of that hay up there.”

Howard raises one eyebrow. “Well to coin one of your phrases I’d say that was genius.”

Vince, smiling, kisses him on the lips. A horse in a stall to the left of them snorts and Howard laughs.

“That there would be Gideon. Reckon she might be a bit jealous.”

Vince stands on tiptoes to see over Howard’s shoulder but it’s too dark to make out much. He can see the outline of a horse’s head peering at them over the stall door though.

“She is, she’s staring at us. Ha-ha, that’s well funny. Didn’t realise horses got jealous.”

“Well we’ve been pals for a long time.” Howard turns and walks towards his horse. Gideon lowers her head to meet him and is rewarded with a loving tickle between her ears. “We’ve been through a lot her and I.”

“Maybe she’s not jealous then Howard, maybe she’s just protective,” Vince, having followed Howard to the stall, puts his hand out for Gideon to smell. “Hello there girl. You’re a beauty aren’t you? Thank you for looking after my man for so many years.” He strokes Gideon’s neck. “And thank you for helping him to find me today. I hope we can become good friends too.”

“She’s loyal Vince but I doubt she’s understands actual words.”

“Sure she does Howard. All animals do in their own way. You just gotta learn their lingo is all.”

“Their lingo?”

“Yeah, you know, their patter. Horses have a certain patter, as do lizards and dogs and sheep and bears.”

“When have you spoken to a bear?”

“Well I haven’t actually spoken to one yet, but I reckon I could if I were to meet one. Reckon we might click.”

“What?! Bullcrap! Now I know you’re pulling my leg. You don’t get on with bears Vince.”

“I might. I seem to have a way with animals.”

Howard looks at how Gideon is happily allowing Vince to plait her mane. “Maybe you’re right. I’ll leave you two in conversation then as I gather together her tack.” But Vince doesn’t reply. He’s too busy telling Gideon all about his steam punk band Clockwork Guns. Howard smiles. “Is there anyone he can’t charm?” he thinks to himself. But then his smile drops as he remembers the look in Dixon Bainbridge’s eyes as he instructed the Piper Twins to lynch Vince. There’s a man definitely immune to his lover’s charisma.

Howard hurries his pace along. “We’ve gotta get out of this place,” he says to himself, “Out, and as far away as possible.”

There’s a satisfying creak as Ralfe White leans back in Dixon Bainbridge’s office chair and puts his feet up onto Dixon Bainbridge’s office desk. He swirls Dixon Bainbridge’s whiskey in one of Dixon Bainbridge’s best glasses before taking a long sip. He audibly smacks his lips. Ralfe could get used to this.

On the desk in front of him sits a bunch of keys, the very same he’d smuggled out to Sheriff Moon. He picks them up and separates a long one from the rest. It’s the key to Dixon Bainbridge’s safe.

Ralfe White had spent a good thirty minutes, since the thought first popped into his head, contemplating the pros and cons of having a look inside the safe. And it isn’t the fear of getting caught delaying him now. He figures he’d hear Bainbridge long before he came anywhere near his office. No, he is fearful of where his opening the safe may lead. He is sure to find something incriminating in there, after all the Mayor was undoubtedly a criminal. What he has to figure out is if he has the courage to do something with whatever it is he’ll find, and the wits to do it without endangering himself and the lives of his family. He thinks of his daughter, his pride and joy.

But something is nagging him to do it. Guilt he thinks. As much as he puts on the big bad tough man act it is just that, an act. One might say that Mr. White had accidentally fallen in with the wrong crowd. Truth be known he’d always fancied himself as a lawman. Maybe if he can find a way to dissolve the Mayor’s influence over the town then he can help the Sheriff to run it right. That would make him happy.

So Ralfe stands and walks over to the safe. He kneels in front of it and without further hesitation turns the key inside its lock. He pulls the door fully open and peers in.

He sees the gun first. It’s an early little deringer with nice metal work and a very polished finish. Clearly the Mayor has an affection for it. In fact Ralfe suspects it’s never been used. Closer inspection reveals a small letter T and N crudely engraved on one side of the handle. Seems rather a shame that someone would ruin the look of the piece by roughly engraving their initials. At least that’s what Ralfe assumes the letters represent although, of course, they’re not the Mayor’s.

Ralfe puts the gun to one side as well as the stack of banknotes that he pulls out next. Then he grabs a bunch of papers. He unfolds the first. Something about the ownership of a gold mine. The second and third are about mines too. They look a bit too perfect to be real documents and Ralfe suspects they’re fraudulent. He puts them on the floor, refolded as they were and upside down so he can create a pile that when righted will be neat and in the exact same order as he found it. He studies the next pieces. There’s a bit more general paperwork and invoices, and a handwritten receipt for a hat and boots. The following iems however are rather more interesting, a short letter addressed to somebody called Dorothy, and a couple of photographs all wrapped loosely together with a red silk ribbon.

“To My Dear Dorothy. In another place, another time, things may have been different for us, but you know I could never be the husband you deserve, nor the father the boy deserves. I have to go. I have to keep moving. I have to follow my dreams. There’s a town out there, somewhere, which I know I can make my own. You’ve always been too good for me Dorothy, and I am doing you a favour in leaving. Now you can truly be with Peterson. I know you’ve always loved him more than me. Please don’t feel guilty, I understand. I think we both know that our hearts lie elsewhere, yours with him and mine to an open road and all the cheese tasting the world has to offer. May peace and happiness be yours forever and always. Faithfully and true. Thomas. Xx”

Ralfe studies the first photograph. It’s old, at least thirty-five to forty years and a typical example from that period of a mother and young male child. Strange though, the child seems to be sporting the beginnings of dark facial hair, specifically across his upper lip. “My god,” thinks Ralfe, “that looks exactly like a mini Bainbridge.” The second photograph is of the same mother and child but there’s a man in the picture too. It’s been taken in front of a heavily laden table and there’s a sign above their heads which reads ‘Bedfordshire Cheese Society’. The definition isn’t as precise as the other photo, but there’s no mistaking the stance of the man, the tilt of his hat and the glint in his eye. “Well if that ain’t Tommy the Cheese.” He picks up the gun and once more looks at those etched initials in the handle. Obvious now, T.N. – Thomas Nookah. “Well, well, well,” says Mr. White aloud. “Not the revelation I was expecting but interesting all the same.”

Ralfe tucks the last photograph into his inside pocket and after writing down the names of the three mines he places everything back into the safe as he found it. He’s just in time because as he’s clicking the lock shut there’s a voice from the outside hallway.

“Excuse me Mr. White, may I approach?”

Ralfe double-checks that the photo and list of names is hidden from view. “Yes Duke, come on in.”

The man sent by the Mayor to spy under the Hopkins’ house cautiously enters.

“It’s okay Duke, the Mayor’s out. He said you were to report to me.”

Duke visibly relaxes. “Yes, and report I must Mr. White. There’s bad news to tell. The Sheriff is planning to arrest the Mayor tomorrow morning for the murder of Lance Parrott. He says he has the bank manager Mr. Fossil as proof.”

“What proof?”

“He didn’t say precisely, he just said he had something.”

Ralfe frowns. Seems like a fairly rash course of action for the Sheriff to be taking, but then maybe Bobby has provided him with something so serious that Howard has no choice but to act. Then again maybe the Sheriff has a bigger plan. Whichever the case Ralfe has little choice but to play along until he can speak to the Sheriff directly. Meantime he’ll have to pass on the report to the Mayor once he returns. Of course he will. What else can he do?

“Any other detail Duke?”

“Yeah, the Doc didn’t like the idea much and he left in quite ill-tempered spirits.”

“Doctor Bamshoot?”

“Yeah.”

“And who else was there?”

“The Sheriff’s usual lot. Mr. and Mrs. Hopkins obviously, Mr. Flange and the barber brothers. Maybe a couple more but that’s all I heard speak. They didn’t sound too happy with the Sheriff’s idea, but they all said they’d support him, well aside for the Doc as I said.”

“How about the new Deputy?”

“Err, no actually, I didn’t see or hear the Deputy at all, but then ain’t he a little messed up. Probably he’s off mending somewhere.”

“That’s likely it Duke yeah, and thanks, I’ll pass it all onto the Mayor. You get yourself downstairs now, grab Sammy and keep an eye on the backdoor area. Tell Curly and Mickey to watch the front and tell the girls to remain in their rooms unless they hear otherwise. And tell everyone to keep their heads down when the Mayor arrives back. He won’t be best pleased when he hears this news.”

“Sure Mr. White.”

Duke scuttles away and Ralfe says to himself, “No you won’t be pleased with the news Mr. Mayor but I doubt a murder charge will stick. Fraud and corruption however,” he pats his breast pocket, “now that might be exactly what the Sheriff requires to do his job.”

“Howard,” whispers Vince, but Howard is too distracted with kissing the younger man’s now naked stomach and hips and chest. Vince pulls the Sheriff’s face up and towards him, but Howard simply takes this as a request to kiss him full on the mouth. He does so eagerly and without pause and the Deputy can’t help but to return the kiss with as much passion, that is until he remembers why he was trying to get Howard’s attention in the first place. He pushes the big man away from him. “Howard, stop, I think someone’s coming.”

Howard raises himself to his elbows, smiling as he catches sight of the many little spikes of golden grass that have attached themselves to Vince’s hair. He doubts Vince will find it as amusing.

“Hmm?”

“I said there’s someone coming.”

Howard rolls himself off of Vince and both men crawl quietly towards the edge of the hayloft. The peer over in unison.

At first Vince thinks he must have imagined it, but then a figure appears in the stable doorway, carrying a lantern low to the ground and looking left and right before entering slowly. It’s a man judging by the silhouette. He keeps to the shadows before reaching Gideon’s stall. It is here he lifts the lantern higher to peer around him and in doing so reveals his identity to the Sheriff and Deputy. The lawmen look at each other and smile. It’s only Monty.

But something about the furtiveness of Monty stops Howard from shouting out to his friend immediately. Vince gives the Sheriff a quizzical look and the Sheriff answers by putting his finger against his lips to silence him before he speaks aloud. Vince shrugs and pulls himself quietly closer to the edge, ignoring the sharp bits of hay that are pricking his still bare midriff.

Monty has moved past Gideon to the next stall, the one that houses his own horse Sunflash. Howard had explained to Vince earlier that the actor had done this ironically as the horse was old and slow, and if they did need to depart Moonstone in a hurry it would hardly be in a ‘sunflash’. Vince had laughed and said it would make a great nickname for himself. Instead of ‘The Electro-Kid’ he could be ‘The Sunflash Kid’. Howard had said he’d thought up many a new nickname for Vince but wouldn’t reveal any of them without ‘payment’. That’s where the foreplay and subsequent trip to the hayloft had started.

Monty, after giving Sunflash a reassuring pat, kneels and puts the lantern on the ground. He then lifts up a floorboard, takes something out and studies it closely before saying “damn.” He then puts it back away and leaves as covertly as he entered.

“That was weird.”

“Yes, really weird.”

“I feel bad watching him like that though. It’s obviously something private.”

“Yeah but Howard, we could hardly have spoken out once we’d let him come in. We’d have scared the poor fellow to death.”

“I guess.”

Vince retrieves his shirt and boots from the corner. “Are we going to take a look then?”

“We can’t, can we?”

“Well we are lawman and it was a bit suspicious.”

“But Monty’s a friend.”

Vince is already down the ladder. “Just a quick look.”

“Vince, I don’t know, what if it’s something awful?”

“It won’t be something awful, it’s Monty. If anything we might be able to help him, he looked pretty downcast when he left.” Vince drops to the ground near the spot Monty had been.

“Hang on Vince.” He descends the ladder in two long steps.

Vince is already removing the floorboard and lifting out a palm sized black onyx chest. It has strange markings along one side, almost as if another language. He holds it above his head to show Howard. “It’s locked. Maybe he’s lost the key or something.”

A light goes on in Howard’s brain. “The key! Of course, he’s lost his key. He doesn’t know I have it and I’ve completely forgotten to give it him back. Shit, how stupid of me.”

“I’m lost too now Howard.”

“I found a key in his room when I helped out with the fire at his theatre. Here look.” Howard removes from his inner pocket the small silver jewellery box he’d saved from the fire. He hands it to Vince who opens it and removes the key. He inspects it as Howard had already done.

“Shall we see if it fits?”

“See if it fits yes, but don’t open it. It’s not our business.”

He turns it around in his hands and gives it a slight shake before popping the key into the lock. He turns it to the right and the lock clicks open. Vince looks at Howard but the Sheriff shakes his head so he turns the key back again relocking the little chest.

“O Howard, I know curiosity killed the cat and all but what harm in a peek?”

Howard sighs. “You look, I shouldn’t.”

Vince doesn’t need telling twice. He rotates the key again and lifts the lid. Inside the chest is a small vial of bluish-green liquid. He pulls the stopper and has a whiff. No smell.

“What is it then?” Howard, somewhat stealthily, has moved behind Vince, “Is it, perfume?”

“Couldn’t help yourself either could you?”

Howard ignores Vince, takes the bottle and sniffs it himself. “Medicine maybe.” He gives the vial back to Vince who rehouses it in its box. “Couldn’t begin to guess Howard, but it seems more akin to Naboo than Monty. I wonder why the secrecy though. Have you known Monty to ever keep something from you?”

“No, I don’t think so. Clearly this is a very private matter for him. As a friend I shouldn’t pry any further.”

“But he seemed to be needing that key with some sense of urgency so without prying maybe you should give it back to him, and then maybe, without prying, ask him what it’s all about.”

“Nosy much?”

“Just lawman concern Howard?”

“Ha, lawman! Look at you.”

“Hey, I’ve done more law-manning in the last few days than most Deputy’s do in a year. Reckon I’m a natural.”

“Do you now?”

“Yes, and my lawman instincts tell me that we’ll find Monty at the remains of the theatre.”

“What makes you say that Vince?”

“Well he’s looking for they key ain’t he? That’s where I’d look.”

Howard kisses Vince on the bridge of his nose. “I take it back Vince. You’re a pretty fine lawman.”

“Someone get me a drink!” Bainbridge charges into the centre of his saloon and looks about. He spots Mickey standing by the window. “You! Pull these two tables together.”

The Piper Twins bustle in behind carrying the inert form of Bobby Fossil between them. Naboo follows quietly.

Bainbridge points to the tables. “Put him there for now.”

Upstairs Mr. White has heard his boss’ return. Making sure the photograph is still safely stashed in his pocket he walks to the top of the stairs and looks over the rail. He frowns in confusion as he spots the body of Bobby being laid out by the twins, and even more so when he sees the strange little man with a purple turban on his head. He looks like a character from one of the story books he read to Lilian years ago. He sees Curly pass the Mayor a full glass of whiskey, leave the bottle close by and wisely scuttle off into the shadows.

“Where’s White?” Bainbridge booms.

“Here,” replies Mr. White as he descends the stairs.

Bainbridge sees him glance at Fossil. “He’s dead!”

“Oh.” Mr. White doesn’t think it wise to question how or why. Instead he faces the Mayor front on. “I have news. It was worrying news, but now that Fossil is dead maybe not.”

Bainbridge downs his drink and pours another. “Let’s hear it!”

“Sheriff Moon plans to arrest you tomorrow for the murder of Lance. That’s what the meeting at the Hopkins’ house was about. He was telling his closest allies, running the idea past them.”

Bainbridge screws his nose up in distaste, anger thinning his lips and raging in his eyes.

Mr. White continues. “Everyone there agreed to support the Sheriff, especially when he said that he had Fossil as proof of your guilt. I guess that proof may not exist now.” Ralfe thinks of the names of the dodgy gold mines keeping the photograph company in his jacket. The Sheriff may really need those items now.

“So the Sheriff doesn’t know that Fossil is dead. Anything else?”

“Duke said the Doctor was there, but he left in a pretty bad mood. Seems he doesn’t think arresting you is a good idea, but Duke doesn’t know why.”

Bainbridge sucks hard at his moustache before finishing his drink a second time and slamming the glass down onto the bar. Surprisingly it remains intact.

“Does he really think he can come in here and put me in chains?”

“I don’t know Mayor Bainbridge, it does seem odd, but Duke was clear the Sheriff said it was happening tomorrow.”

“Goddamn him and his pride. It’s ever since that glamour puss Deputy arrived. He’s showing off like a peacock. ‘Look at me, the brave heroic Sheriff of Moonstone! Look at me and my newly found fucking confidence!’ God, it almost gives me cause to laugh.”

“What will you do?”

“Nothing! If Moon wants me he can come try and get me. I’m not going anywhere until he tells me why he can pin the murder on me.”

Bainbridge gathers the few men he has on site together. He gives them a brief overview of the situation, tells them that if any of them fuck up then they’ll be joining Bobby in the afterlife, and sends them off to various windows to keep look-out.

“And what do you want us to do with Mr. Fossil?” Charlie Piper, in an out of character act of compassion, has covered the ex-bank manager with a blanket.

“Give me a moment to think about that. There’s got to be a way to use him somehow. In the meantime show Mr. Naboo here to the closest quarters.”

The Mayor turns to his right, towards where Naboo was standing. He turns to his left. He spins three hundred and sixty degrees.

“Where the hell is he?”

“We were gonna ask you the same Mr. Bainbridge, sir. He’s not where he was.”

“Well where did he go?”

Charlie shrugs. Eddie looks under the table. “He’s not here boss.”

“I can see that you imbecile!”

“He’s pretty small ain’t he? Maybe he’s…” Eddie can’t think of where to suggest.

“For fuck’s sake. What is it about people disappearing on me in the last few days? How the fuck does it keep happening?”

“You want us to go out and look for him?”

Bainbridge rubs his brow. “No, to hell with it. We probably couldn’t keep him here if we tried. You both stay put until I can think of what I want done with Fossil. And arrange me some food would ya, I’m fucking famished.”

On the other side of the street there’s yet another angry man, but this one is quite alone. The Doctor, back from the Hopkins’ house, is furiously pounding around his own home, letting out his frustrations by ranting at the air, gesticulating at the walls and imploring the ceiling. He’s a figure far removed from the resigned rather aloof character known to the townsfolk of Moonstone. His voice carries around his rooms.

“I cannot keep this up any longer. It’s demeaning having to be so polite to people, having to listen to their petty ailments day in day out, bathing their wounds and festering sores, administering potions for belly aches and headaches and Old Dot’s hemorrhoids. Having to look interested when they list their complaints and afflictions. Trying to better others so as to hide myself amongst them. It’s exhausting. And what do I get in return? A coin here and there, food sometimes, whiskey. But it’s small offerings compared to what I give them. I give them their bloody lives back. I’m far too talented to keep playing Doctor. It’s time for me to have myself a career change.”

The Doctor begins removing the outer layers of his clothing, his overcoat, his hat, and his boots.

“It used to be so easy. You didn’t need to be so subtle. If I wanted to fuck with things I’d just pop-up, whisper temptations into the ears of kings, sweep away a few do-gooders and be on my way. Greed and ego did the rest. But it only bloody turns out that love is the most powerful force in the universe. Goddamn love! All this time encouraging man to kill man, thinking that was the best way, not paying heed to the fact that it was love and love-making and falling in love that’s been keeping everything in check all along.”

He removes his jacket, neck tie and waistcoat, rifles through a drawer in the reception room dresser for a moment before removing a couple of alternative garments. He hangs them onto a nearby coat stand before returning to the drawer and pulling out a long dark coat.

“So I’ve been searching for years for an opportunity to rip apart one of the big love stories. Shakespeare gave me the idea. What better way to create tragedy than by severing soul mates. So I made it my personal quest. I’ve been scouring the world through time and space for star-crossed lovers just so I can fuck them up. But try as I might to keep them apart they always seem to find a way to each other. Mary and Percy, Gertrude and Alice, John and Abigail, Hadrian and Antinous, Wallis and Edward, Grace and Prince Rainier, Mildred and Richard, Shah Johan and Mumtaz Muhal. And even if I successfully orchestrated one death they seemed to find a way to die together like Nicholas and Alexandra, Bonnie and Clyde, Marc Anthony and Cleopatra.”

He puts on the coat and raises the collar. He pulls a pair of gloves from the pockets and puts them on too.

“I’ve been lying in wait so long for this one. Patience has been my middle name. I’ve bided my time. Never have I worked so hard to keep two people apart, never have I employed such tact. And it worked for a while. Howard didn’t even realise he was meant to be in love, and Vince thought he’d fallen in love every other night with some groupie or bar worker or stable hand. Neither knew a thing until that bloody mail cart brought Vince to town. Someone somewhere made that happen. I don’t know how or whom, but my guess would be those fucking shamans.”

He opens his battered doctor’s bag and removes an amputation knife.

“Yep, it’s time for me to act alright. The Mayor won’t be much use to me if he’s arrested, and even if he’s not he’ll be weakened. I need to get myself a new couple of lackeys. One or two morons to do all the heavy lifting. I’m not as young as I used to be, although I can’t really remember when that was.”

“Told you.” Vince points to the silhouette they can both see standing in the middle of the cindered shell of the theatre.

“How does he expect to find anything in the dark?”

“Guess he’s desperate.”

Howard looks at the small jewellery box. “Yes, well hopefully we can help him out there. Although we don’t push him okay Vince. If he doesn’t want to tell us what this is then we leave it alone. It’s his prerogative.”

“Of course.”

The men make their way over to Monty.

“Hi old friend. Are you okay?”

Monty turns around. “Howard, Vince, what are you doing out?”

“Looking for you. I’ve something I need to give you.” Howard holds out his hands, the black chest in one and the silver jewellery box holding the key in the other. “I’m sorry, we were in the stables. We saw you and I remembered that I had pocketed the box with the key when I helped with the fire. It had slipped my mind.”

Monty reaches out to take each. “Thank you.”

“We are sorry Monty,” Vince steps forward and puts his hand on Monty’s elbow. “We were, well I was, in a state of undress in the stables and we didn’t make ourselves known. We probably should have. We weren’t intentionally spying, not really.”

Monty nods. “It’s okay. Kind of glad you saw me actually. I’ve been wondering if, with everything else going on, I should tell you about this.” He holds up the bigger box. “Did you look inside?”

Both Howard and Vince hang their heads.

“That’s what happens when you’ve lawmen for friends, they can’t help but investigate.” Monty smiles. “Come on you two, don’t feel guilty, I’m not angry.”

“You don’t have to divulge anything Monty. It’s none of our business.”

“Well it kind of is actually and I think now’s the time to come clean.”

Monty picks up his cane that’s leaning against a blackened heap of wood and looks around him, sadness etched across his face. “I’ve quite a bit to tell you both, but I guess it is back to yours as mine isn’t as welcoming as it once was.”

Naboo, tucked up against the side of the Salty Bullet, sees Howard, Vince and Monty walk past him towards the jailhouse. He keeps to the shadows not wanting them to spot him. He’s work to do first.

Howard welcomes Monty into his home as he has done hundreds of times before, but this time feels very different. He lets Monty sit on the couch, himself pulling up a wooden stool. Vince places himself against the window sill, sensing perhaps that Monty’s story was more for Howard than for him.

“Would you like a drink Monty?”

Monty chuckles, “No my boy. The only thing I need to drink is this.” He unlocks the black chest and removes the vial. Pulling out the stopper he smiles at them both sheepishly before taking a large swig. “It will work in a moment.” He puts the vial, now empty, back into its receptacle.

“What will work?” Howard’s face shows both worry and concern, until that is, it shows surprise. Right there, in front of him, Monty’s face seems to be ageing. There’s suddenly extra wrinkles around his eyes, aside his mouth and across his forehead. His eyelids droop a little more, the skin under his chin seems to sag, and sun spots appear on his right temple.

“What the…?” Vince too cannot believe what he is seeing. “Monty, what the hell’s happening to you?”

Monty runs his hands across his face as if to check everything important is still in its place. “I’m staying old Vince.”

“Staying?” Howard pulls his stool right in front of Monty and grabs his friend’s hands. “What is going on?”

Monty squeezes Howard’s palms. “I haven’t been completely honest with you my boy, but if you’d do me the courtesy of listening to my tale then it will help things become clearer.”

Howard nods.

“A while ago I too met a magic man, a shaman, except mine wasn’t as you’ve described yours. Mine was tall and slim with dark skin and curly black hair. He was gorgeous actually. Very exotic. And like Vince was rescued by your shaman, I was rescued by mine. I was rescued from an attempted murder carried out by none other than our mayor and the old preacher Red O’Reilly.”

“What are you saying Monty, that Bainbridge tried to kill you? When? And why have you never said?”

“I couldn’t say. You see, it was not me they were trying to murder. At least not me in my present form. It’s hard to explain, and I’m not sure I should given the current relationship between you and Vince.”

“Monty!”

Monty sighs, “Do you remember Gregory, Howard?”

Howard sits upright. “Yes, of course, the young man at the church. I told you about him. I’ve told Vince too.”

“Well Howard, you needn’t have told me about him because I already know everything. I am Gregory.”

Back inside the Bullet Ralfe White is eager to get away from the saloon and hand the items in his pocket over to the Sheriff. “You want me to go and round up some more men?”

“That sure wouldn’t hurt.”

“Well okay then.” Ralfe White strides to the door and quickly exits, breathing a sigh of relief as he does so. He pauses for a moment to make sure the Mayor isn’t yelling after him, but all is quiet so he dashes away.

Doctor Bamshoot’s house is along from the Bullet on the same side of the street so Naboo’s able to stay in the cover of the buildings as he makes his way to it. He pauses next to a water barrel besides the Doctor’s porch and ducks down. Even from outside he can make out the Doctor talking. He assumes, at first, that someone is in there with him, but quickly realises there’s only one person he can hear. Quite the monologue by the sounds of it. Naboo rolls his eyes, typical of a psychopath, loves the sound of his own voice.

As he hides he sees Mr. White heading towards the jailhouse.

Bainbridge calls the Piper Twins over to him. “I have an idea. It’s not up to my usual standards, but if the Sheriff and co turn up here tomorrow Fossil has to be nowhere in sight. I want you two to dump him somewhere.”

“Where boss?”

The Mayor sneers. “I first thought of that meddling Mrs. Hopkin’s dwelling. Would love to freak her and her pathetic husband out. Imagine the smell wafting through the place and then them discovering Fossil under their house. Hah! That would be satisfying.”

“Will he fit under there boss? He’s larger than Duke or Nutter.”

“It doesn’t matter, I’ve changed my mind. We need to get rid of Fossil completely. And do you know the best way to get rid of a body, boys?”

“Boss?”

“Feed it to the pigs.”

“Eurgh! Really?”

“Yep. It’s the only answer. Take him, the both of you, strip him and dump him in the sty of those two huge hogs that Curly owns. Then burn his clothes.”

Charlie looks across at the table where Fossil lays beneath the blanket.

“Just the two of us? He’s pretty heavy boss.”

“The fewer who know the better. Now get on with it and stop your whining. Anyone would think I’d asked you to do something completely unreasonable.”

Bainbridge charges away from them and bounds up the stairs. “Have it done within the hour. I need you back here pronto.”

Charlie and Eddie look at each other and shrug.

“Guess we go feed the swine then”

“Out the back way brother and along the railroad. No one will be down there where Lance was killed.”

“Okay, we’ll carry him in the blanket then burn that too.”

In the jailhouse Howard’s mouth has dropped open. “You’re Gregory?!”

“After that day in the church O’Reilly beat me something rotten. He locked me in a trunk he kept in his sacristy and I felt I would suffocate. He wanted rid of me, saw me as tainted, and could no longer bear the sight of me. Bainbridge visited and I could hear them talking about me, about how a dead body would affect their holy wine business and how they didn’t want the law snooping around.”

“Holy wine business?”

“Yeah, Red and Bainbridge had some scam going there, not to mention a blatant misappropriation of church donations.”

“Gone on with your story, please Monty.”

“So Red and Bainbridge hatched a plan to dump me in the lake. They bound and gagged me and put me back in the trunk and loaded it onto a cart. I bounced around in there for a while, eventually felt the trunk being heaved to the ground and dragged along the floor. And then, before I knew it, water started seeping through the floor and the sides. Thank goodness it was well made, its finish kept the water at bay for some time and long enough for me to be rescued.”

“My god Monty. Or should I call you Gregory?”

“Monty it must be nowadays Howard. Gregory died that day in the trunk.”

Vince seats himself at the other end of the couch, hanging on Monty’s every word. “But you didn’t die.”

“Not as such. My shaman saved me. He must have been hanging around and I think he saw everything. To this day I don’t know how he pulled the trunk from the lake. I was a bit of a mess as you can imagine. He lit a fire and gave me some clothes which didn’t fit me at all but they kept me warm. He was kind although a little sullen. Mostly though he was annoyed.”

“Annoyed at Bainbridge and Red?”

“No. That was the weird thing. The attempted murder didn’t seem to interest him at all. It was as if saving me was just another of life’s daily occurrences to him. No, he was annoyed about being sent on a ridiculous mission with a ballbag and a deranged party boy. I had no idea what he was talking about, I still don’t, but when I brought up the issue of where I was going to go, as I couldn’t return to Moonstone and risk being seen, it was like an idea planted itself in his head. Then and there he handed me this vial and told me to drink it. My head fogged up in a dark green mist and when I came to I had grey hair, broken blood vessels and a posh English accent. I was Monty.”

“And the Shaman?”

“He gave me the very precise instruction to return to Moonstone, take up residence somewhere, and look after you Howard until my dying day. He gave me quite a bit of money, some food and this magic potion. Told me to hide the vial somewhere other than where I lived. So that’s what I did. I set myself up in the theatre as an aging actor, and a few days later came knocking on your door.”

“With the whiskey and bacon and beans. Howard’s told me that story. I can’t believe what you’ve been through though Monty. How have you coped? You lost all those years in the blink of an eye.”

“Better than drowning in the lake. And I’ve made the best of friends out of it.” He smiles at Howard.

Howard shakes his head. “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe your Gregory.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry I’ve not told you sooner, but I was sworn to secrecy.”

“And because of that you’ve never been able to bring justice to Red and Dixon.”

“Well old Red died pretty soon after. And as for Bainbridge, I’ve always had faith you’d get him in the end Howard.”

“And Bainbridge never suspected anything about you?”

“No. I paid him rent for the lease of the theatre, bought whiskey at his bar, became one of the townsfolk. He’s never questioned it.”

“What happens if you don’t take the potion?”

“I’m not exactly sure on that one, but if I’m late having any then I can feel my features sort of fading away. The Shaman told me to never stop so I haven’t. And I like being Monty anyway.”

“How often do you have to drink and where do you get more from?”

“About once a month and it replenishes itself when I’m not looking. Incredible stuff. Comes from somewhere called the Well of Antiquity I was told.”

“It does explain why these recent events aren’t phasing you at all.”

“Once you’ve seen what a shaman can do then it’s hard to be surprised by anything else really. It’s certainly not surprising to hear about this Babolisk Oil that fixed Vince.”

A sudden knock at the door makes them all jump.

Finally the light in the front room of the Doctor’s house is extinguished and the physician exits his front door carrying his medical bag. Naboo quickly whips off his turban so he’s not seen peeking over the top of the barrel. The Doctor seems unsure which way to head. He leans over the front of his porch rail and looks left and right a few times. He sniffs the air.

“Weirdo,” whispers Naboo to himself.

From nowhere comes the sound of voices. Their origin seems to be behind them somewhere, at the back of and beyond Doctor Bamshoot’s house. It’s as if they’ve been carried on the wind.

“Result!” The Doctor grins, leaps off of his porch and is around the side of his home in a flash. Naboo thinks about following, but it’s too good an opportunity for a quick search of the Doctor’s house. He pricks his ears but there’s no sign of the Doctor returning so he replaces his turban and makes quick work of the locked door.

Once inside he starts to head right to the back. Evil goings on are rarely conducted in the front reception rooms. He does however notice and few items of clothing chucked onto the bench where a bereaved Mrs. Parrot had sat not long ago with Mrs. Hopkins. There’s also a coat stand behind the door that interests him. It only holds two garments, a black silk top hat and red woollen scarf. Naboo touches the scarf and nods. He then looks in to what he assumes is the Doctor’s surgery. Nothing untoward there. But at the end of the corridor on the right is another door leading into sleeping quarters, and it is here that Naboo spots and large black trunk. It seems out of place, positioned as it is right in the centre of the floor. He opens the lid slowly and a bright red light fills the room. He can just about make out a short set of stairs descending into the crimson murk.

“Here goes nothing,” he mutters to himself as he climbs down into the trunk. “Things I won’t do to save everyone.”

Howard, Vince and Monty all stare at the door as if it will open itself. The knock comes again.

“Shit, who’s that now?” Vince makes towards it.

“Hang on Vince, I should go.”

“Howard, I think I can open a door. It’s probably Mr. Hopkins or someone.”

Howard pushes Vince out if the way and puts his hand on the handle. “Who is it?”

“It’s Ralfe White. Can I come in?”

“Not a great time Mr. White.”

“It’s important. And I don’t want to be seen here on your doorstep.”

Howard looks at Vince. “Do you want him inside?”

Vince swallows. “Can we trust him?”

“I’m pretty sure, yes. I’m sorry, I know what he did to you, but I think we should let him in.”

Vince nods and turns away. Monty stands and puts his hand on Vince’s shoulder in support.

“Please Sheriff, I’ve a bit to tell you.”

Howard opens the door. “Come on in then.”

Ralf crosses the threshold, looking about as meek and humble as a man can look.

Vince turns to face him and breathes out heavily. “Mr. White.”

“Deputy.”

Monty looks at each of them, “Have you not seen each other since…?” His words ebb away.

Vince and Ralfe shake their heads.

“Oh. Maybe I should go then.”

“But Monty, we haven’t finished have we? There’s so much more to discuss.”

“Yes Howard but not now. This needs to happen now,” he gestures towards Mr. White, “And besides Mrs. Hopkins is expecting me back.”

“But Monty…”

“Howard, please.” Monty goes up to Howard and draws him into a hug. The bigger man succumbs and they two embrace.

“I’ll see you all tomorrow no doubt.” Monty winks at Vince. “All the best lad.”

Vince gives a weak smile as Howard sees his friend to the door. “I’ll be around in the morning then Monty to give you a hand with whatever it is you have.”

“Sadly not that much anymore Howard. He signals towards Vince. “He’ll be okay do you think?”

“Hope so.”

“Okay, good, well until tomorrow then.” He gives Howards arm one more squeeze before leaving in the direction of Mr. and Mrs. Hopkin’s house.

Howard sighs and turns back to his other visitor. “Won’t you take a seat Mr. White?”

Ralfe nods and sits himself down on the couch. Vince, still standing, takes a step back. Ralfe notices. He removes his hat and looks Vince in the eye. Vince notices the bruising around the bridge of Ralfe’s nose, remembers it’s he that caused it. He thinks of the Babolisk Oil that has cured him and wonders what Ralfe is thinking, seeing him standing in good health before him.

Ralfe is certainly thinking that the Deputy looks remarkably well considering. “I am so sorry Deputy Noir. I’ll never forgive myself.”

Vince keeps his gaze steady. “I’ll find it hard to forgive you too, but I know there were mitigating circumstances.”

Ralfe nods, “My daughter being one of them, but that’s just an excuse. I acted atrociously and you could have died because of me.”

Vince rubs his eyes. He inhales then exhales loudly. “I’ve nothing more to say on the matter. Honestly, I’d prefer not to relive it.” Vince grabs the wooden stool and seats himself up against the far wall. “Howard says I should trust you and so I will. Why are you here?”

Ralfe nods again in understanding and pulls the photo and paper from his inside pocket. “A couple of things.” Howard seats himself at the other end of the couch as Ralfe passes him the items. “I got these from the Mayor’s safe whilst I was minding the Bullet earlier.”

“He gave you his keys?”

“Ironic right! The same set I stole for you, he just handed them over. He depends on me a lot of late.”

“Anything else in the safe but for these?”

“Yeah, the usual cash, documents, a gun. The gun is significant actually, it relates to this.” He plucks the photo from Howard’s hands to show him properly and points to Tommy. “See who it is?”

Howard squints, “That’s Tommy!”

Vince reaches out his hand and Howard passes him the photo, “As in Sheriff Tommy, your old friend?” Vince studies the image and passes it back to Howard. “Who’s the woman and kid?”

“Pretty sure that’s Mayor Bainbridge with his mother…and father.”

Howard grabs the photo again and scrutinises it closely. “Why do you say that?”

“There were letters in the safe too, letters from Tommy to some woman called Dorothy. They spoke of their child, a boy. And Tommy also spoke of Dorothy having another man in her life, someone she could be happy with. There was another photograph too, a better image of the same mother and child, and the child looks exactly like Dixon Bainbridge.”

“And the gun? You said it had significance.”

“The Mayor has it hidden in his safe like a keepsake. It has the initial TN carved into the handle.”

“Thomas Nookah.”

“That’s what I thought, yes.”

Howard views the photo again. “Tommy never mentioned anyone called Dorothy, but that’s definitely Tommy.”

“So Tommy was Bainbridge’s father?” Vince looks at Howard and sees his significant other trying to hold it together. “Howard, look at me.”

Howard looks up.

“You okay?”

Howard takes a breath. “I dunno. It’s a bit of a shock.”

“What else you got there?”

Howard unfolds the piece of paper with the three mine names written on it. “What’s this?”

“Extra ammunition for you should you want to investigate the Mayor’s business dealings. There were deeds and claims to a few mines and land, but these three names looked particularly crooked. Their paperwork didn’t seem legitimate.”

“There’s a lot here Mr. White, a lot for us to get our heads around.” Howard stands as if to call the conversation to a close.

Ralfe stands too, “I’m sorry Sheriff, but that’s not the end of it. There’s something else. I’m not quite sure how to tell you.”

Vince stands to join them. “Spit it out Mr. White.”

Ralfe puffs his cheeks. “It’s Bob Fossil. I’m afraid to tell you he’s dead.”

Charlie and Eddie Piper are struggling to carry the body of the aforementioned Bob Fossil at the very moment Mr. White says his name in the jailhouse. They’re arguing over who has the heaviest end.

They do not notice a figure watching them from the shadows.

“What do you mean? How?”

“I’ve no idea. The Mayor and the twins carried his body into The Bullet earlier. The Mayor didn’t say what had happened and I didn’t ask. There was a strange little fellow with them too, but he disappeared.”

“Naboo?”

“Sounds right, yeah. Think one of them called him that.”

Howard picks up his gun and slips it into his holster. He starts to pull on his coat.

“What you doin’ Howard?” Vince grabs Howard’s empty coat sleeve. “You’re not going over there?”

Howard tugs the sleeve from Vince’s grasp. “Damn right I’m going over there. They’ve murdered Fossil. I’ve got to go, it’s my job.”

Ralfe steps in front of the jailhouse door, effectively blocking the way, “I never said the Mayor murdered him Sheriff. I’m pretty sure he didn’t in actual fact.”

“But how then?” Howard’s voice has escalated in pitch. “Fossil was in perfect health but hours ago. How?”

“Did Naboo say anything Mr. White?”

“Nope, don’t remember him saying a word.”

“And Fossil’s in The Bullet now?”

“Laid out on a table but I doubt he’ll be there long. The Mayor will move him somewhere, especially as he knows you’re going to try and arrest him tomorrow. Although are you, now that your key witness is dead?”

Howard removes his coat, “Shit, you’re right, Fossil was my witness. Not that I was really going to arrest Bainbridge.”

“You’re not?”

“No, that was just a bullshit lie. We knew there was a spy under Mr. and Mrs. Hopkin’s house. We made that up to cover the fact that a load of us are going to try and leave Moonstone in the morning. Howard gestures to some bags and a crate behind him, ‘See, all packed.”

“You’re escaping?”

“Escaping, moving on, surviving, running away. Call it what you will.”

“Right, I see. So you don’t have anything on the Mayor then?”

“Well I was hoping to take Fossil with us and have him testify to a judge on the murder of Lance Parrot, but now…” Howard turns to his deputy, “Fuck Vince, you don’t think Bobby did away with himself do you? You don’t think fear drove him to suicide?”

“Dunno Howard. Is that possible Mr. White?”

Mr. White shrugs, “I guess so, but it could just as easily have been his heart or something. Maybe Doctor Bamshoot will shed some light on it.”

At the mention of the Doctor’s name Howard asks, “Was he at The Bullet tonight at all?”

“Who, the Doctor? Not that I saw. Why?”

“Oh. No reason. Just wondered?”

“Duke said he left the Hopkin’s place in a hurry earlier. You lot had a falling out?”

“Difference of opinion is all. Well that, and he’s acting a bit suspiciously.”

“He’s a bit creepy isn’t he?”

Howard frowns, “What makes you say that Mr. White?”

“The way he hovers around. And I’ve seen him in corners with the Mayor a couple of times. All very hush-hush, you know.”

“Recently?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Before Lance was killed?”

“That very morning I believe, before the Mayor went to the cemetery.”

“Why did he go to the cemetery?”

“I assumed to see Lance about something.”

“Immediately after speaking to the Doctor?”

“Shortly after, yeah. It was quite early in the morning.”

“Did you know that the Mayor attacked the Sheriff outside the cemetery on that same morning?” Vince can’t help the anger in his voice.

“I did hear that.”

“Do you know why?”

Ralfe shakes his head.

“Do you know why Lance stole Howard’s clothes?”

“Nope, I didn’t know he had.”

“Do you think Bainbridge knew? Do you think he instructed it?”

“No, not at all! Why would he get Lance to steal your clothes? But the Mayor did think that Lance was stealing from him.”

“Did he? Why did he think that?”

“Pretty sure the Doctor had mentioned something. I don’t know any details, the Mayor told me he thought as much. That’s what I figured he was going to confront Lance about, especially because he took Sammy with him. Sounds like they beat you instead though Sheriff. Sounds like you might have been in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“Howard, was Bainbridge coming from the cemetery entrance when he came across you?”

“Not sure, he hit me from behind. It’s possible.”

“Makes sense. He had words with Lance, but couldn’t release his anger onto him as he needed him to meet with someone down by the railroad. He took it out on you instead.”

“Hmm. Maybe.”

Mr. White puts his hand on the door handle. “Think it’s time I make myself scarce gentlemen, I’ve already been in here too long.”

“Where are you going now?”

“I told the Mayor I was rounding up some extra men for him, but as you’re not actually storming into the place tomorrow I think I’ll just head home and spend some time with my wife.”

“Do you want to leave Moonstone with us?” Vince’s question surprises both Ralf and Howard.

“Umm, let me sleep on that. Thanks for asking though.”

Vince nods. “It’ll be a fresh start for many. I think you, more than most, would benefit from a do over.”

Ralfe absorbs this statement before opening the door. “Goodnight the both of you. I’ll see you when I see you.”

“Goodnight Mr. White, and thank you for your information.” Howard locks the door after him and walks to Vince, pulling the smaller man into a big hug. “Man oh man, what a night of revelations.”

“Poor Bobby!”

“I know, it’s awful.”

“And I wonder where Naboo is. Do you reckon he’s alright?”

You could say Naboo is alright, if by alright you mean ‘Naboo is currently staring at the skeleton of a man lying in the corner of a cage which itself is hidden inside a magic clothes trunk’. Yeah, Naboo is fine!

“Not totally unexpected. The real Doctor Bamshoot I’m guessing.” Naboo studies the remains more closely, “Definitely an adult male and the few strands of hair left on the skull I’d say are the right colouring.”

The Shaman spots a table to the left laden with various fancy trinkets, potions and herbs. There’s a big leather bound book laying open on pages titled ‘Transformative Demonic Possession: The pros and cons of a life as a body double.’ He lifts up the book to check out the title but there’s nothing on the front except a large red pentagram.

As he places the book back down he spots a piece of paper being used as a bookmark. Being careful not to lose the page it was opened to he turns to the spot. The spell flagged has an ominous title; ‘The Swirling Black Hole of Cosmic Terror and other diabolical ways to ruin everyone’s day.’ “Bollocks, that’s not good.”

Naboo notices the bookmark itself is a torn page from a sketchbook folded in two. He straightens and flattens it out on the table top. It’s hard to understand at first, it seems the pretend doctor’s handwriting is as bad as the real one’s probably was, but he can see it’s a sketch of Moonstone with buildings like The Salty Bullet, the jailhouse and the theatre all present. Curiously the lake is also drawn and next to it is a crude picture of a tree with a door in its trunk. “The Shaman Portal!” says Naboo aloud.

He traces around the map with his forefinger until tapping it a few times on one specific area, “X marks the spot!” He lifts his finger to reveal a small cross right in the middle of the cemetery, and next to it, in tiny cursive scrawl, the words ‘kill one here’.

Naboo refolds and replaces the map. Even he, the most unshakable of men, looks deeply worried. “Yep” he says as he makes his way out of the magic trunk, “it’s as I suspected. Baboo Yagu’s in Moonstone!”

The little shaman exits the Doctor’s house, locking the door behind him. Bollo is waiting patiently outside.

“Well done boy, you came.”

Naboo climbs into the saddle and urges the pony forward. “To the cemetery we go.”

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Moonstone’s favourite dynamic duo.”

Charlie and Eddie, the first standing at Bob Fossil’s head and the second at his feet, jump in unison at the sound of the physician’s voice. They both take a step back from the bank manager’s body.

“I was just saying, wasn’t I Charlie, how much of a misfortune it is to stumble across Mr. Fossil out here by these pig houses?”

“And I was just saying, wasn’t I Eddie, that poor Mr. Fossil here could do with a doctor and lo, one appears?”

“Tis both a misfortune and a stroke of luck brother.”

“Although, one fears, it is too late for Mr. Fossil.”

“Much too late.”

“So you didn’t just carry him from The Bullet?”

“What, us Doctor? Oh no, sir. Carry him? Oh no, not we, we…”

“We did not do that at all, sir. He is, he was…”

“Was far too heavy for that. Yes, too heavy and too difficult for us what with, umm, with…

“With my back sir, far too difficult for my back. I can barely carry myself these days.”

“And my legs, well, as you can see, I limp with every step, sir.” To demonstrate Eddie feigns hobbling and comes to a stop beside his brother. They await a response.

The Doctor’s double nudges Bob Fossil’s body with his foot.

“He’s dead?”

“Yes Doctor.”

“Never mind, it’s you two I need.”

The twins look at each other. “You need us?”

“For what?”

“I need to show you both something. I need your opinion.”

“Us sir? Really?”

“Yes. Come closer. I need you to see what I have here.” The fake doctor puts his closed fist out before him. “Quickly, come see before it fades.” A soft glow is radiating from between his fingers.

Charlie and Eddie shuffle forward, Eddie’s limp now forgotten.

“What is it?”

“It’s special and it’s rare and it’s meant only for us.”

The twins take a last step and lean in towards the Doctor’s hand.

“Show us please.”

They lean in further when a sudden volley of slashes and swishes and stabs and slices whoosh down upon them. They don’t even have time to scream.

The mystery doctor wipes the blood from his amputation knife with the blanket lying next to Bob Fossil. He studies his ghastly work.

“Yep! Still got it!”

He kneels down, takes a small bottle out of his pocket and collects the blood spilling from a deep gash in Charlie’s chest. He stoppers it tightly, removes another bottle and fills it with blood from a hole in Eddie’s midriff. He looks across to Bobby’s body, considers his options and then shakes his head. “Two’s enough.”

He pops both bottles into his bag and removes a couple of chunky, white, minty smelling circles. He places one on the right eye of Charlie, and one on the left eye of Eddie. He returns to his bag and takes out a large jar, the dark contents of which are wriggling and squirming against the glass. His flicks open the lid and yanks free a jet black eel which he guides into the trouser leg of Charlie. He watches it slither beneath the material. He pulls out a second and does the same to Eddie, prodding the eel once when it pauses near Eddie’s thigh.

Picking up his bag he stands, dusting off his knees as he does so. “Right then you horrible lot, now for part two.” Laughing to himself the phony doctor heads back to his lodgings.