Arctic Conditions

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What's the real reason behind the hiatus of The Boosh? Why did Fielding and Plume break up? Why does no-one ever see The Boosh boys together any more? What lies ahead for the future of The Mighty Boosh?

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Warming Up

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Warming Up

Chapter Summary: It’s been a couple of days since ‘that night’, and Julian has seemingly put everything behind him for his life with Julia. But just when Julian is feeling like he’s gotten away with it, someone turns up late at night to pummel the door down with their fists, to ruin Julian’s paradise.

Chapter Notes:Okay, so I’ve been slow on the uploads. And for that I apologise. This chapter took more time to write than anticipated—I know I’ve made certain people to be totally not how they are in real life *sorry* but it’s too late to change it now, otherwise my story would look weird. Anyhow, here it is—The next chapter. Hope it was worth the wait despite it only being more of a filler chapter. Reviews appreciated!! <3 x

Of all the things that Julian hates most it’s the silence. Not literal of course. His kids fighting, Julia shouting at them to pack it in, calling upon Julian for help. But it’s the lack of laughter. Sure people do laugh around him, with him and Julia being comedians it’s pretty fucking hard not to. It’s more the laughter from one person he misses. The way that laugh could make anything seem okay again, because it wouldn’t matter if nobody else laughed, just so long as he could make that one person who mattered most to him crack a smile.

“Hey daydreamer.” Julia nuzzles his ear from behind where he’s sat on the sofa. “Whatcha thinking about?” He turns his head round so that he can see her, and puts everything else out of his mind. He has what he wants. A beautiful woman and two lovely children. This is his life. Is it? Yes.

“Oh nothing really. Just stuff.”

“Alright Mr. Vague, as you were.” They grin at each other before Julian pulls her down to share a slow kiss.

“Errrrrggghhh. Mum! Dad!” They both pull away to grin at each other, before turning to their children—mock innocence and annoyance written on their faces.

“Yes?”

“Can we help you at all?” Julian’s biting back a laugh at the disgusted look on their faces. Julia moves round from the back of the sofa to grab the kids.

“If I were you two I’d of kept quiet. C’mon. Bedtime.” Julia goes about settling the kids down for bed whilst Julian sits on the sofa, head lolling against the back of the sofa, with his eyes shut and a smile playing about his face at his perfect life.

“Could’ve helped instead of sitting there like a smug bastard you know.” There’s a dip in the sofa as Julia sits down next to him, curled into his side. Julian wraps an arm around her, not moving his position otherwise. His smirk gets even bigger.

“It was my turn last time. Fair’s fair Jules.” He can feel her teeth scraping gently at his neck before a sharp pain at his pulse point where she digs her teeth in. Julian hisses in through his teeth.

“You know, we could always…” Julia doesn’t have time to even finish her ellipses though, as Julian has crushed his mouth to hers as he pushes her back into the sofa so that he is half lying on top of her.

It’s too good to be true of course.

As soon as Julian has undone the button on Julia’s jeans, and has started to worm his hand into the confines of her trousers there is someone at the door—pounding at it as though they were trying to break it. Julian groans and curses his and Julia’s bad luck. He can’t remember the last time he had proper sex. Oh really? Julian shuts his mind up.

 

Julia pushes Julian away as the insistent knocking continues, standing to do up her trousers. The knocking at the door is loud enough that the kids are almost certainly now awake if they hadn’t been previously.

“Julian, fucking get rid of them. Jesus, don’t they know we have kids?” the irritation in her voice is clear, “It’s bloody nine o’clock. Who the hell comes over at nine to pummel to door down? Jesus.” She gets up to storm back into the kids’ bedroom to check they’re still in bed whilst Julian goes to get the door.

“Alright, I’m coming.” Julian shouts to the door as he goes to answer it. The hammering doesn’t stop though, just continues as Julian gets ever closer.

“I said alright!” he wrenches open the door, fully prepared to give whoever the fuck feels it’s appropriate to break down his door with their fists whilst his kids live here a piece of his mind. He stops in his tracks as soon as he sees Dave stood on his doorstep. But this is different to all other times that Dave has visited.

Dave’s eyes are rimmed with red, and that in itself is shocking. Dave never cries. Ever. The one time that Julian had actually seen him cry had been at his daughter’s birth. But they had been different tears. They had been because of happiness. These tears were not the tears of joy; in fact they were the complete opposite. These tears were angry, heartbroken and disbelieving.

These were tears of betrayal.

Dave storms past Julian straight into the front room. He skips the small talk and gets straight down to business.

“How could you be such a cold-hearted bastard?” his voice breaks on the last word, as though he doesn’t want to believe it. You don’t want to believe what you said either…

 

“I mean, are you sure you covered everything whilst you were tearing him to shit? Are you sure there wasn’t anything that you missed out in his life that you could’ve thrown straight back into his face? His drug problem perhaps? I think you missed that one out whilst you were shattering everything that he has worked so hard to put together, whilst digging up shit that he had put behind him and buried. But no. You come back into his life, give him a glimmer of hope, and then pull the rug out from under his feet, before throwing every mistake he has ever made back at him”.

Julian had never seen Dave look so angry. He didn’t think Dave could ever be this angry. Then again, he’d never had just cause to be this angry. Until now.

“Just how many people’s lives are you willing to fuck with to ensure that you remain fucking untouchable?” He spits the last word at Julian, the tears that he had successfully held back threatening to spill over now.

Julia comes out of the kids’ bedroom then, anger on her face at the level of which Dave’s talking at, and the amount of swearing going on. Her face is pure rage until she catches sight of Dave, and it at once turns to one of concern. How many more people can you hurt you selfish prick?

“Dave?” Dave’s head snaps round to meet the voice, and at once the mask that has been on his face since he entered melts into a polite smile that isn’t entirely convincing, due to the hard line of his jaw where he’s gritting his teeth. “My god. What’s happened? Are you—” She looks at Julian then, who’s pretty sure he is also on the verge of tears, and her face immediately changes to one of understanding and even more concern. “Noel? Is it Noel? What’s happened? Julian, do you need to go and stay with him, I can look after the kids while you do? Or I can take them away again and he can come here? Whatever you—”

“No.” Julian’s voice is firm and delivers a note of finality. The razor sharp edge to it makes Dave flinch, a movement that doesn’t go unnoticed by Julia’s perceptive eyes. Her gaze flicks back to Julian and her eyes narrow at the tone in which he’s spoken.

Dave’s phone is piercing in the silence. He immediately has it out of his pocket and has hit the answer button before Julian even has a chance to blink.

“Hello? No darling its fine I—No I’m not.” His eyes flicker briefly to Julian, as though a warning to keep it shut. “Honestly, I’m—Yeah. No sweetheart don’t worry yourself about it! No! Don’t try that yourself, I’ll do it. I’m on my way now. See you soon yeah? Okay. Love you too.” He hangs up the phone, and glares at Julian, before plastering on that not quite convincing smile before turning to Julia.

“Sorry I’ve caused such a fuss. I should go. I’m sorry if I woke the kids up or anything, I wasn’t thinking. Sorry.” His voice breaks on the last word giving his façade away completely, he keeps it in place anyway in the vain hope that Julia hasn’t noticed. She has.

“Dave, if there’s anything I can do…” The sincerity in her voice and her genuine concern makes bile rise in Julian’s throat. He swallows it back down.

“I’ll walk you to the door.” Julian turns on his heel without waiting for a reply, knowing Dave will be hot on his heels to continue his rant. As soon as he reaches the door he opens it, and turns round to face Dave in what is very clearly an order to leave the house. Immediately.

Dave ignores this though and stares at Julian impassively. For a minute it’s just Dave and himself, staring each other out, until Julian gives in and looks at his shoes to start speaking. You can’t even look at him whilst you talk? You’re ashamed of yourself—and so you should be.

“I don’t want to hurt her.” Dave’s laugh at that is bitter. Can you blame him?

“Yeah? What about Noel, Julian? All you do is hurt him. Doesn’t that even matter to you? And I’m not just talking emotionally here. I’m referring to the rough treatment you gave him two nights ago when you decided to fuck him so hard he bled.” Julian’s head snaps up, concerned immediately. He knew he’d been rough. He’d had blood on him when he’d returned to the flat. He’d blocked it out though, forgetting about it till now, and so now he needs to know. He couldn’t bear it if he’d really done Noel damage. Dave seems to sense this though as he reassures him.

“Don’t worry. You didn’t do any real harm. It’s more that you care more about someone you’ve known, what, five minutes in comparison? That’s what’s eating him up. You’re seriously telling me you love her more? No. Don’t you dare give me that shit! I’m sorry, I really am, but you’ve brought this on yourself. Because this isn’t to do with her is it?” Dave’s voice has been rising slowly throughout, so he lowers his voice—remembering that Julia is merely in the other room.

“I know you love her. But you cannot deny your feelings for Noel. Don’t get me wrong, I like Julia—I mean we all do! But seeing what you’ve done to Noel because of her?” He gives a small humourless laugh. “What are you so afraid of? You know how you feel deep down, I know you do. I’ve seen the way you look at him, even if you don’t notice. Just admit it to yourself and maybe you’ll find you can be a little bit happier in life than you have been recently.”

Dave steps over to the coat hooks, and grabs the jacket that Noel had left on that night, before stepping outside and facing Julian with a wan smile. “Vintage. Cost him a fortune. He’d be really mad if I hadn’t brought it back for him.” And with that Dave walks away, leaving Julian alone with what he’s said as he slowly closes the door—dreading the argument that will no doubt now break out with Julia.

He walks slowly into the room to find Julia exactly as he expected—arms crossed stood with a blank expression on her face to give away nothing about how she’s feeling. He knows that she’ll say something in a minute, demanding an explanation, something which he knows will piss him off even more than he already is. You’ve brought it on yourself.

“Well?” And there it is. Julian immediately feels a flash of anger, even though he knows he has absolutely no right to do so. This beautiful woman has done nothing to him, and yet the anger he feels as she asks is so strong, it’s almost hate.

“Well what?”

“What the hell was all that about” Still with her voice so level and smooth.

“Nothing.” His voice tremors.

“Julian I’m not an idiot, so stop fucking treating me like one. You and Dave are in the living room, Dave’s shouting for all it’s worth at you, crying; you’re on the verge of tears about whatever it was, and it doesn’t take a genius to work out what it is about.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about” Julian’s voice is bland and emotionless.

“Yes I do. You got all weird as soon as I mentioned Noel.” Damn her persistence. “Not to mention Dave’s call—there’s only one person he could’ve been speaking to like that, and the only other time I remember Dave using a tone like that around him was during his drug problem, so I know this is big; don’t even bother trying to lie to me.” Julian says absolutely nothing. “And considering you seem to care so little despite the fact that you two are supposedly best mates, I’m guessing Dave was round here shouting at you because of something that’s happened between you and Noel.”

Julian’s eyes are vast filling with tears again. The situation is slipping from his fingers, and soon he will have no control over the situation whatsoever.

“It wasn’t about anything. Really. It doesn’t matter.”

“Don’t lie to me Julian for fuck sake!” She’s shouting now and it’s so abrupt that Julian has to take a step back. She seems to take a breath before continuing in a steadier but equally unmeasured voice. “I heard you. At the door. I heard what you said to Dave. You said ‘I don’t want to hurt her’. And I’m assuming you were referring to me, unless you’re having an affair” She spits the last word at Julian, and before he can inform his body that reacting to that word would be a real problem, and probably won’t go unnoticed, he’s flinched and tightly shut his eyes as soon as the word has fully left her mouth.

It doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Oh my God.” The exhalation of air is enough to show how winded she is. She knows. “Oh. My god.” Her voice is louder now and steadier, and Julian opens his eyes to look at her. Might as well try to convince her otherwise.

“I’m not having an affair.” The statement is blunt and sounds dull as it falls from his lips and he inwardly curses himself for sounding so unconvincing. It’s not entirely untrue…

“Then why did you flinch.” She fires straight back at him, the venom in her voice almost causes him to flinch again, but he holds back.

“I flinched because of the ludicrous insinuation that I was having an affair.” It was just that one time. You know the one Julia? The one when you were away and I was fucking Noel?

“Then who were you fucking talking about at the door?”

“For fuck sake it was you!” He isn’t sure why he shouts. It isn’t like a big revelation or secret. Not like if she found out…

“Me? Why were you talking about me then?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“I think it does.”

“It isn’t important.”

“Well then what the hell is it that I don’t know?”

“What?”

“Well obviously I don’t know something that I should do, as it would ‘hurt me’.”

“Don’t do this”

“What is it?”

“Please”

“What aren’t you telling me Julian?”

“I can’t. Just let me—”

“For fuck sake Julian stop pissing about, and fucking tell me whatever it is that I need to know.” This is the loudest that either of them shouts. It’s so loud that everything seems to freeze.

The silence in the air is loud. The clock ticking is the only indication that time is actually passing, because nothing else in the room is moving. Only the hand of the clock as the steady tick goes round.

“Mum?”

Both adults turn to look at the child in the doorway, a look of confusion and worry etched upon his young features. He’s too young to have that look upon his face. Too young to understand what proper troubles the world can inflict. He used to say that to Noel. That he was too young to fully understand the world he lived in. That he wasn’t a fully grown man, he was just a tiny version of a proper grown up. A Little Man. His Little Man.

You old fool.

“Hey sweetheart. What’re you doing up?” Julian’s snapped out of his epiphany by Julia’s soothing voice from where she’s gone to kneel down next to their son in the bedroom doorway.

“Can’t sleep. I heard shouting.” Julia looks around him.

“Where’s your brother?”

“He’s still asleep.” He looks up to Julian then and frowns even more. “Dad, why are you crying?”

Julian’s hands make their way up to his face to indeed find that his cheeks are damp. He pulls his hands away and looks at them in front of his face. There’s a perfect tear balanced on the index finger of his right hand.

“Julian?” He shuts his eyes tightly against the light of the room which is suddenly too much for him to bear. He listens to the world. The house deathly silent. Apart from the noise of the traffic outside, the buzz of the fridge next door in the kitchen, and the breathing of one man. Just one.

One man in the room where there should have been two. Where there had been two just under a week previously. The loud ticking of a clock suddenly makes him open his eyes to look at it. A Boosh clock. He looks back at his hands to see the tear rolling down the length of his index finger, before it drops.

Julian watches it as it falls, splashing onto the screen of a mobile. Noel’s mobile. And suddenly—it’s all clear.

“Julian!” His head snaps up to see identical frowns facing him. He turns to Julia, who’s eyebrows relax as she figures out what he’s about to do, just through one look.

“I’m not sorry.”

And with that, Julian picks up the phone and, for the third time this week, grabs his coat on the way to the front door.