Arctic Conditions

What's the real reason behind the hiatus of The Boosh? Why did Fielding and Plume break up? Why does no-one ever see The Boosh boys together any more? What lies ahead for the future of The Mighty Boosh?

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Frosty Heart

Frosty Heart

Chapter Summary: This feels like the last time. It’s almost exactly the same.

Chapter Notes: Right. Where to begin. My internet decided to have a major meltdown, and so I was literally only using my phone for internet purposes. I basically had the chapter finished and ready to go, but I couldn’t do anything about it because of my internet so it was just basically on my computer. THEN I decided I would just post it on my phone, which would mean typing it all out again on my phone. I got about two thirds of the way through when my phone decided that it would completely die on me. And I don’t mean that it ran out of charge—I mean that it DIED. Fully. So basically, I apologise for the lateness of this and that it isn’t even an interesting chapter, more something to break your heart, and contribute to the final chapter when I get round to writing it. Xx


This feels like familiar territory.

Noel cursed his sarcastic thoughts once again as he continued to openly sob. Huge, wracking sobs that shook his tiny frame.

“It’s alright sweetie. You’re alright.” Noel leant into the hand stroking through his matted, greasy hair and choked his way through another cry. This was similar, so so similar to the last time he had told Dee about something happening with Julian.

It was similar. Except it was different. This time Noel knew he had been wrong, and that Julian did feel the same. Some fucking way of showing it.

Feeling Dee’s soothing hand in his hair, and feeling waves of comfort coming off of her felt as though he had come home. As though he belonged. Except he didn’t. They didn’t fit together anymore. Noel was too much of a fuck up, even if he did still love the woman comforting him, he knew he loved someone else more.

“I love you Dee.” He sobbed. He felt her freeze up next to him as he said it, and wasn’t sure whether or not he regretted it. He raised his head from where it was rested on her shoulder as she looked back at him. He decided then. Noel looked into her eyes, sincerity radiating from his very being as he said, “I do love you Dee”

She smiled sadly before resting her hand against the back of his head, pulling him into her so that his head was resting on her shoulder; his face buried into the crook of her neck. He felt guilt towards what he was doing to Dee. She was clearly still in love with him, and here he was, sat on her sofa, looking for a pity party.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, pressing his lips to her collarbone.

The hand in his hair stopped moving as Dee stopped breathing. Everything seemed to freeze in that moment, and instead of taking that as a bad sign, like any normal person would’ve done, Noel found himself continually pressing little butterfly kisses up and along Dee’s collarbone.

“Noel.” Dee’s voice was a warning, however, there was an uncertain waver to it that Noel picked up on. She did, after all, still love him; and this would be a very, very, bad idea. He ignored all of that though. Pushing his instincts to one side, he went with what he knew.

He pushed her hair back behind her ear, his mouth moving up her throat to her pulse point. As he latched onto the skin there, Noel could hear her breath hitch as he sucked a bruise into her neck, feeling her go completely pliant under her, and that’s when he knew. She’s giving me her permission.

Pulling off of her neck, Noel looked directly into her eyes before lunging forward, his lips attached to hers. She gasped into his mouth, her shock showing through her otherwise unresponsive body.

He pushed his hands under her thighs where she was sat on the sofa, gripping onto them, before picking her up. Her legs instinctively wrapped around his waist, whilst her hands were placed flat onto his chest. Their lips were still connected as Dee began to slowly wind her fingers into the back of his hair, gripping on tightly as if she was afraid that he’d disappear if she let go.

Noel carried her over to where her bedroom was, dropping her to her feet as they continued kissing. Noel started to unbutton her jeans and Dee caught on, pulling his t-shirt up quickly and efficiently, pulling it up over his head whilst he pushed her jeans down. Once his shirt was off, she began to pull off her underwear and her jeans, before pulling off her top and bra. Noel also pulled his jeans and underwear down, leaving them both naked.

Noel quickly moved back to Dee, re-connecting their mouths as their hands roamed. Wanting nothing more than to move quickly, Noel decided to skip straight to it.

“Jump.” He whispered, as his hands grabbed her behind. She obeyed as he pressed her against the wall. He looked in her eyes, asking for permission; breathing a sigh of relief when she nodded.

He pressed against her entrance, waiting before allowing Dee to slowly sink down onto his length. Dee dropped her head back, letting it hit the wall as he became fully sheathed inside of her. She sighed and Noel dropped his head forward onto her shoulder, kissing her collarbones as he began to thrust upwards.

His pace was fast as he started pounding into her, breathy little “Uh” sounds leaving Dee’s mouth at the angle he was thrusting at. Her thighs were gripping his waist so tight Noel was wondering how he didn’t already have bruises. As she began to pull his hair, Noel lifted his head up to reconnect their lips.

He stopped thrusting momentarily as they licked into each other’s mouths. He then peeled away from the wall, remaining inside Dee as he pushed open the door to her room, shutting it behind him.


The door shut behind him, trapping the freezing cold air outside, warming up that which had followed him in. Blowing warm air into his hands and rubbing them together, Noel looked around the tiny café. There. In the corner booth.

He ordered a tea at the counter, before moving to the booth to wait for the waitress to bring it over to him. He slid in the booth opposite Dee, startling her from her daydream as she finally noticed his presence in the tea shop.

“Hi.” He ventured, smiling as he did so.

She replied. A timid sounding “Hi…” accompanied by a small, sad smile. Neither of them seemed to know what to say after that. This seemed to be the way whenever they met up.

He and Dee weren’t enemies—far from it. He just knew how difficult it was for her to be around him. Her love for him had never faded, and he knew that. He also knew how hard it must be for her to see him with another woman. Walking around day after day with someone on his arm that wasn’t Julian. That wasn’t her.

So they avoided it. Whenever they met up in secret, Noel made sure to keep their conversations away from their personal lives. He knew Dee was having difficulty since Sue had moved to Wales, but when he offered her a place to say, money to pay her way; she flat out refused. Dee was a proud woman, and Noel knew this. It didn’t hurt him any less to see someone he cared for so dearly, someone he loved, to be hurting; but he knew he had to respect her decisions. He couldn’t push her out of his life completely. He couldn’t cope with anything

He knew that she was working on her own, creating music and making merch for those loyal diehard fans that would cut anyone up if they dare speak badly about her music. He was thankful to those fans. He was glad that there were people there in order to defend her, and help her, and fucking keep her living. After the shitstorm passed with their breakup, Dee had still paid the fucking price. The price for his fame and big headedness and fucking bullshit attitude that he threw around more than his weight. Dee had had her life distorted by tabloid shit, her reputation dragged through piles and piles of Noel’s shit and carelessness that he had let the leeches of the press grab hold of.

And he, in his heartbroken and selfish state, had done nothing in order to help her.

The two were quickly snapped out of their trance by the waitress setting Noel’s tea down. Dee quickly blushed and looked down at her own tea, whilst Noel looked up to thank the waitress. She responded with a giggle and flirtatious smile, asking him if she could get him anything. Noel immediately looked over to Dee, who was now glaring daggers at the waitress.

“Do you want anything else Dee?” he asked her, and she snapped her gaze back to him. She shook her head no. Noel turned to the waitress who was looking disgusted that they were even conversing. Nobody judges Dee.

“You can go.” He stated, rather abruptly, not liking the way she was looking at Dee. She huffed before stalking off like an upset teenager. Noel turned back to face Dee, who’s still looking at him.

“Dee I—” He started, about to apologise for the waitress.

“Have you spoken with Julian?” She asked, cutting him off.

Noel froze, he wasn’t sure how to respond. Dee had broken the unspoken rule. Never to talk about anything personal.

“Thought not.” She said, when Noel still hadn’t recovered enough to answer her.

“Dee.” He said, a warning note in his voice, as he tried to tell her that this was not a conversation that should be happening here, in a café, or at all for that matter.

“Don’t you ‘Dee’ me.” She snapped. “You don’t own me, Noel. You can’t tell me what to do. You don’t have the right. You don’t have the right to pity me for choices I’ve made in my life, or make judgement in what I say or do, and you don’t have the right to fucking stand up for me.” Her chest was heaving with anger by the time she had finished her speech, and Noel felt as though he was going to cry. He wanted to cry.

“What happened Dee Dee?” He whispered.

“Don’t.” She warned. “Don’t you call me that.” Noel was surprised with the vehemence behind her tone. “You lost all rights to call me that when you started dating someone else.”

You were the one that broke up with me. Why should it matter?” Dee fish-mouthed for a minute, unable to come up with a suitable response. When she did however, her eyes flashed a dark colour, and Noel knew he’d said the wrong thing.

“I broke up with you, because you were in love with somebody else.” She hissed at him. “In fact, you’re still in love with him, and instead of dating him, which is why we broke up, you got with the first woman who would have you.” Noel recoiled as though he had been slapped. “You should be dating him. Not another woman. You’re gay.” Noel had had enough.

“Did it never even cross your mind that maybe the reason I’m dating someone else, is because said person isn’t that way inclined and doesn’t want me the same way that I want them?” He hissed back at her.

“You’re an idiot.” She stated, before standing up abruptly and throwing down enough money to pay for her drink. She wrapped her scarf round her neck as she moved quickly out of the café, trying to conceal the tears that were pouring down her face. But Noel had already seen them.


He was moving quickly inside her, pounding her over and over as her wet warmth welcomed and accepted him. He was pulled inside by her as she lay beneath him on the bed.


“Get inside! Christ, you must be freezing.” Noel was pulled inside by a very concerned Dee as she shut the door. Noel let loose a violent shiver as she smacked him on the arm.

“OW!” He shrieked in protest. “What the hell was that for?”

“For being an idiot and wearing a fucking leather jacket out whilst it’s about 5o, you absolute moron.”

“No reason to hit me.” He whined, pouting like a toddler.

She laughed at his childishness, before pulling him over to the sofa and pouring a glass of wine. He was surprised however, when she began to pour him a glass as well, to which he raised an eyebrow.

“We’re having a sophisticated evening Fielding. None of your trashy beer or fruit cocktails that are sweet enough to give you diabetes. Besides, I got red for you because I know you prefer it.” She smiled at him, which he replied with a soft and tender kiss. As soon as she moved her hands to behind his neck to play with his hair there was a knock at the door. Her eyes widened as she took a shaky breath.

“Ready to meet my parents?” She asked, her bottom lip being pulled at by her teeth with nerves.

He leant in and kissed her before he replied. “Of course.” And she was gone.


She was gone beneath him. So close to orgasm, her mind would only process what she was feeling. His once slow and gentle thrusts had become something rough and fast. He began pounding into her, her breathy gasps filling the air every time his pelvis ground into her.

He could feel the familiar approach of his orgasm when heat began pooling at his spine, and so his thrusts became jerky. The imminent approach of orgasm making him lose his rhythm and care. The sound of skin slapping on skin filling the air.


The slap of skin hitting skin registered before anything else. He turned his head back to face forwards, looking at the woman who he had hurt. Her hand was cradled against her chest as though it was stinging. Which it probably was. His pain senses had seemed to of kicked in, and all he could feel was fire in his face.

“Dee—” He started.

“How the fuck could you?” She near enough screamed. “What? Did you think I wouldn’t notice? Wouldn’t see the articles? Wouldn’t smell her FUCKING PERFUME?” Well shit.

 

“Dee. Nothing happened.” He tried to remain calm and not let his panic show. Because nothing had happened. But if he panicked? The love of his life would think otherwise and leave him.

“Nothing happened. NOTHING HAPPENED?” She screamed, making Noel flinch. “How stupid do you think I am Fielding? You go out, get papped with Pixie fucking Geldof, in the same cab, and don’t come back until the night after, and think I don’t know that something happened?”

Noel was silent. He knew Dee was mad, she had every right to be with what had happened, and what it looked like from what the papers were saying. He just needed to let her vent her anger before she calmed down.

“Is it my fault?” Noel whipped his head up from where he was staring at his boots to look at Dee. She had sounded so small, and looking at her, she looked as though she could shatter at merely a touch. “Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Am I not what you want anymore? Am I not good enough anymore? Do you want someone, younger, prettier, more fun, not as fat an—”

“Shut up.” Dee looked taken aback as Noel grabbed her roughly by the shoulders. He blinked before loosening his grip on her and holding her hands instead.

“No. That is absolutely not true. I was drunk out of my mind last night. I couldn’t tell up from down. Yes. Okay, I’ll admit that in my drunken state in a sweaty overbearing club, where you can’t even breathe or remember your own name, that someone whispering sexual things in my ear was hard to resist. But the second I got into that cab? No. I realised how stupid I was being. That I instead had a beautiful and wonderful girlfriend at home who I care about so much that it hurts. I went to Mike’s last night, and I was at the studio all day today. I’m wearing the same clothes because… well I can’t really borrow Mike’s stuff can I?” He let out a breathy laugh, trying to relieve the tension.

Dee sniffed, trying to look away, but Noel merely moved with her eyes so that he stayed within her vision. She let out a laugh that was choked with emotion at how ridiculous he looked, as he smiled softly at her.

“Dee, I promise you.” He said, cradling both of her hands with his. Holding them up between them, whilst looking directly into her glassy eyes. “I promise you that nothing happened.”

Something in Dee broke then, as she realised he was telling the truth. She sobbed as she fell forward into his arms, kissing his chest as his arms wrapped around her. He kissed the top of her head from where she was cradled in his arms, murmuring into her hair as he did so.

“I love you Dee.”


Dee was writhing around on the bed beneath him, her closeness making her restless. Noel grabbed onto both of her hands, pinning them on either side of her head. She looked up at him with wide eyes, before he lowered his mouth to her ear.

“I love you Dee.”

Dee threw her head back as she came. Her body tightening as her back arched, pushing her chest against Noel’s. His eyes rolled back into his head as she began to clench around him. Everything went white, before Noel was floating in his own head; thoughtless, weightless.

“Noel!”


“Noel!” Dee shouted, waving her arms over her head. She and Sue had taken on the beer queue early it seemed, and were now content to sit on their jackets on the grass whilst waiting for the warm up band to start.

Noel grinned as he made his way over to them, walking straight into Dee’s open arms and kissing her. He could vaguely hear Sue making gagging sounds and pretending to throw up, but he didn’t care. In that moment it was him and Dee, and a simple, loving kiss.

“Hi.” He managed when he pulled away, giving her a cheeky grin. It may have been a cliché, and it may have made Dee laugh, smacking him on the chest while calling him a twat, but the sparkle in her eye made everything he did seem worthwhile.

“Excuse me, but there are other people present!” Noel laughed at Sue’s indignant tone, with her face pulled into an expression of mock disgust. He flung his arms open before chasing after her to squeeze her into a hug; her protesting and attempting to run away from his ministrations before he could snap her bony frame in two.

“Started the party without me then?” The three turn to face the voice amongst the loud crowd, in order to see the equally bony, and almost as feminine—something he couldn’t mention to Sue, unless he wanted her to stab him up—Chris Corner.

“Chris!” Sue squealed and ran to him, jumping up and wrapping her legs around his thin waist. Dee and Noel made the over-exaggerated gagging noises this time, whilst Sue and Chris practically ate each other’s faces off.


Noel frowned as he began regaining his faculties from where he was sprawled on his side of the bed on his back. He could hear that muffled noises were coming from something. He didn’t have quite enough awareness to figure out what the sound was though. The only thing he knew, was that it was coming from Dee.

He looked across at her. His heart broke. You heartless piece of shit.

Dee was crying. Tear tracks down her face so reminiscent of when he told her about Julian. So, so similar.

And so he fell asleep. His ex-girlfriend crying silently next to him, trying to stifle her sobs, as Noel cuddled into her side and promptly passed out.