Arctic Conditions

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What's the real reason behind the hiatus of The Boosh? Why did Fielding and Plume break up? Why does no-one ever see The Boosh boys together any more? What lies ahead for the future of The Mighty Boosh?

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Cold Feet

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Cold Feet

Chapter Summary: Three days ago Noel left Julian’s. He has been moping around drinking, smoking and sleeping. The last thing he wants is guests, so what will he do when there’s a persistent knocking from a visitor that just won’t take the hint?

Chapter Notes: I made Julian such a bastard and I didn’t even realise… Oh well. We all know he isn’t really like this. So, anyway, I’m really sorry about the gaps I’m leaving between uploads. On the plus side, this chapter is bloody long, and action packed so… yeah. If you don’t like smutty sexy stuff I suggest you look away… you might not like this chapter x

Yeah. As if Noel would ever even consider pushing him away. As for questions? He hadn’t even had the chance to form any in his head before Julian had him pushed him up in his hallway. He was kissing him with such a ferocity that it stole all the breath from him to be able to ask questions with, and stopped all thoughts from forming in his head to even begin forming any.

Even if he had any questions, he wouldn’t do anything to stop this. Questions would definitely mean stopping this.

No way.

For once, Noel and his mind were in complete agreement. There was no way Noel would be interrupting this. How could he miss this? There would be time for questions later on, when they were both satisfied.

Noel hadn’t even had the chance to fully comprehend Julian on his doorstep, before Julian had him pinned up against the wall, slamming the door shut behind himself. Noel goes completely slack under Julian’s controlling, if it weren’t for being pressed between Julian and the wall, he would’ve no doubt slumped to the floor.

There is a dull thud as the bottle which Noel had long since forgotten about drops onto the floor by the two men’s feet. Noel was silently glad that he had run out of whiskey on the second day, as it meant that he’d moved onto vodka—something which wouldn’t stain or smell, where the fallen bottle’s contents had sloshed out over the rim of the bottle, and onto the carpet.

To be honest? It isn’t that important anyway.

Julian’s hands are in his hair, crushing his face into Noel’s. Julian makes an annoyed noise into his mouth, and Noel belatedly realises that he isn’t responding the way Julian wants him to; if the way Julian is knotting the hair round his fingers is anything to go by. His hair is shorter than it once had been, but it is long enough for Julian to get enough purchase to yank on, silently telling Noel to respond the way he wants.

The sharp hair pull finally drives Noel’s senses into action. His now vacant hands sliding up Julian’s back as he moans into the older man’s mouth. Years of pent up lust and upset pouring themselves into that kiss. Julian groans deeply, the noise reverberating through Noel as he gets more confident with what he’s doing, sliding his alcohol-soaked tongue alongside Julian’s.

Years of doing this onstage and onscreen for The Boosh mean that both men are comfortable with each other’s mouths. The lack of awkward teeth clashes and nose bumps show just how well they know each other; inside and out. They could know each other better, Noel thinks.

Noel gets properly involved then, twisting one of his hands into Julian’s hair, whilst his other arms goes around his neck, to ensure that he stays within kissing height.

Julian is everywhere. Noel can smell his scent and those of the cigarettes and booze that he’s been taking for the past few days; hear his laboured breathing; feel his body pressing right up against his in the hallway. Taste him…

Everything cliché that could have happened for Noel did. There were fireworks, butterflies, somersaults, backflips the sea crashing; the whole shebang as their mouths worked together furiously.

After a couple of minutes just aggressively going at each other, when Noel was able to untangle the mix of thoughts scrambling round in his head, questions rose to the surface, making themselves known. His mind just couldn’t help wandering off to question this change that had come over his Julian. Why now? Why did he change his mind? He knew that if he were to actually voice these queries out loud then there would be problems, and Julian would probably leave again. So instead of settling these questions that were burning a hole in his head, Noel submitted to Julian’s will completely and utterly.

Though he couldn’t help but wish that he could just, for once, see into Julian’s head to know what he was thinking.

Why have I wasted all this time?

All those nights spent home alone, whilst Julia was away and I was bored out of my mind. Reduced to having a wank over some nameless girl pictured in my mind. Or the nights where Julia was home, but had a migraine, headache, was sick, didn’t feel up to it, her nipples hurting from the hard gums of twins. Once again resulted in me knocking one out over some nameless tart in my mind.

Or even the sleepless nights! The one’s where Julia and I tried to make a night of the evening. Got as far as rolling on a condom, before screaming children wondering when their next meal would be, interrupted. Or later on when they were older, and would come knocking at the door because of a bad dream.

Every time he had felt unwanted and lonely. All those times his mind had wandered back to Noel and what it was he was doing. Whether or not he was thinking of him too. What would happen if he went round and kissed him? How would he react? But of course, Noel had Lliana now. They were probably having sex as Julian lay in bed at half mast, peeling off the condom that had been destined to never be used.

Yet all it would’ve taken, was for him to knock on the door, and claim what was rightfully his. Because Noel was his. Completely and utterly. The noises that Noel was making proved this hypothesis, and so Julian forgot. Forgot about those seven long years of being denied sex that wasn’t just a quick fumble of hands under the duvet before the kids would wake up. Four of those years, where he hadn’t even had the presence of his best mate to be able to cheer him up. To offer a comforting hug, or hand on the shoulder. To say “It’s alright Ju! It isn’t just about sex you know!” with a serious expression that suggested he too was having trouble.

But he had lost his best friend.

He knew that this wasn’t strictly true, but to him—it was.

It’s your own fault.

No. It’s Noel’s. His brain was sneering Noel’s name as though a foul word or insult. When had he stopped even praising Noel for just existing? When everything had turned to shit between you. The inseparable duo, ruined forever by just a few little words. It was you who made that decision…

Not the point, Julian argued back against his treacherous thoughts.

But maybe it was the point. After all, Julian was here now; and what had changed? Nothing. They were still the same two guys they had been when they met. Their foundations were still the same, except for that one tiny detail. But that one tiny detail had been there before, his mind protested, and you were never like this.

That was different, Julian fought back, determined to win.

What? It was different because you didn’t know? Shallow. But it can’t have been that, otherwise what the hell was Julian doing here at half past eleven at night, three days after an argument with his best friend who had told him he loved him four years previous, only to have it thrown back in his face? Christ you’re a fuck up.

Julian, deciding upon stopping brain activity, picks up Noel in the hallway, grabbing onto his arse whilst Noel’s legs wrap themselves around Julian’s waist. Julian’s thoughts do stop, as well as his breathing—both stolen away with just how easy it is to make this beautiful creature make those noises of love and adoration.

Noel breaks away from this kiss, trying to say something, but Julian isn’t having any of it. If he stops to let Noel talk he’ll have time to think, and thinking will lead to this stopping, which right now he is definitely not in favour of. So he does what he thinks is best, he carries Noel through the flat, and into the bedroom.

Julian’s knees hit the bed and he stumbles and falls, Noel hitting the bed, with Julian landing on top of him. The drop however, causes the two men’s crotches to rub together, creating a glorious rubbing that relieves them both momentarily. The two men pull away simultaneously, moaning and panting into each other’s mouths, both gyrating their hips into each other to keep the insistence of their hard-ons at ease.

After pulling away from Noel, Julian is suddenly aware of the lack of Lliana. His eyes alertly start scanning the room for her, cursing his own stupidity for not looking for her sooner. She could also be back at any minute. How stupid could he be? He tries to separate himself from Noel to look even further around the room, as though she could be hiding secretly in a corner of the room, but Noel insistently wraps his legs around Julian’s waist again, pulling him back down so that their crotches create delicious friction. Noel isn’t pulling away, but that only panics him further—she could walk in at any second.

He scans the room alertly, trying to detach himself from Noel, but he’s insistent on not letting go, instead choosing to kiss his way up and down Julian’s neck.

“Away.” He mumbles into the skin of Julian’s throat, where Noel’s decided to latch himself onto to give Julian a love-bite, or some other mark that will require a lie to cover it up later. That explanation is enough for Julian at this moment in time though, as he roughly pulls Noel’s head back up so that their lips are met once again in fierce embrace; Julian’s dominating tongue easily conquering Noel’s submissive.

Julian tears at the buttons on Noel’s three day old shirt, as Noel drags his jackets down his arms, before starting the same with his. Their fumbling hands finally manage to shed themselves of the clothes that haven’t been changed for days, and then, finally, they have skin to skin contact. Their chests are touching and rubbing together, their nipples becoming hard due to the exposed air they’re in, as well as the contact they’re currently receiving.

And then Julian’s undoing Noel’s jeans and trying his best to peel Noel out of them—virtually an impossible task—until Noel makes an irritated noise in the back of his throat and pushes Julian away, pulling up his legs to try and pull his jeans and socks down. Julian, taking the opportunity to undo his trainers, and remove the rest of his clothes. He turns back round to the bed to see Noel taking off the last of his mismatched socks, and his breath hitches with just how gorgeous he looks.

He remembers a time when he used to look at Julia that way… No. And before he knows it, he’s back on top of Noel to stop any thoughts of his life. Because any thought now will send him away from this, and he needs this. Oh, how he needs this.

“Top drawer” Noel breathes as Julian savagely attacks his neck with his mouth, payback for the marks that Noel left on Julian earlier. Julian breaks away to get a condom and lube, before returning back to Noel, pressing kisses below the base of his ear.

“On your knees” He whispers, and Noel groans as though that’s the sexiest thing that Julian could ever have said. Noel scrambles onto all fours as Julian flips the cap on the tube of lube that he has in his hand, before squeezing the gel from the half-empty bottle onto his fingers. He then goes about preparing Noel with his fingers, thrusting first one in, before quickly adding a second and third, scissoring and stretching Noel; leaving him a writhing, sweaty mess on the bed.

“Please. Need you, waited too long” Noel’s whimpering and begging, and that just makes Julian harder. He pulls out his fingers quickly, telling Noel to roll over onto his back whilst rolling on the condom. Noel watches Julian as he pours the lube onto his rock-hard cock, stroking himself gently. Not hard enough to get off, but enough to keep his eyes half lidded in arousal and pleasure.

Julian spreads the gel, ensuring his length is covered, before shuffling forward on his knees to meet Noel’s opening with the tip of his dick. He bats Noels hands away as he lunges forward to close the gap between them, their tongues once again dancing, as Noel brings his hands to curl around Julian’s arms to give him some grip.

He thrusts into Noel, with minimal warning. The shout that Noel gives out is not far off a scream after the little preparation he received, and makes Julian raise up onto his elbows, looking down at Noel with genuine concern. Noel’s nails are digging into his bicep with the intensity of what he’s feeling right now; his eyes shut and his mouth open where he’s thrown his head back in both pleasure and pain—the line between the two blurring to the point where Noel can’t tell them apart anymore.

“Noel?” Julian asks, wanting so desperately to move, but he doesn’t want to hurt Noel. As if you haven’t already. Noel opens his eyes to look at Julian so that he can answer his silent query without him having to ask. He smiles dreamily up at Julian, as though in a daze.

“Just… a minute” He rests his forehead so that it’s in the crook of Julian’s neck breathing deeply so as to steady his nerves. Julian’s breathing deeply as well. This stop in their otherwise fast moving evening however, is leaving Julian time to think, which is allowing his mind to wander back to other things again. Such as Lliana, and his kids, and Julia—

Julian’s startled from his thoughts by Noel nuzzling into his neck, in a clear sign for Julian to start moving. Apparently Noel’s mind has come to the conclusion that Julian will be freaking out in their little breather time, and so has decided to move their pace along again—regardless of if he’s really ready or not. Julian’s not concerned about that though, as he begins to thrust into Noel’s clinging channel.

Noel’s moaning into Julian’s neck as he pulls out to the tip of his achingly hard cock, before thrusting once again into the tight heat that is Noel. Julian starts up a rhythm, his thrusts becoming easier with every thrust, as the passage becomes slicker and slicker.

Noel’s moans are increasing, although they no longer sound positive. Julian misses the obvious signs though, as his orgasm builds up, getting closer and closer.

Julian pumps harder out of his… what? Friend? Boyfriend?

Boyfriend? Where the hell had that come from? Julian wasn’t in a relationship with Noel. Was he? No. Well what did that make him then? A fuck buddy? A friend with benefits? Lover?

He faltered in pace. Lover? As in love? As in him being ‘in love’ with Noel? Was he in love with Noel? Surely not. He loved Julia. Julia. Oh god.

He stopped. The situation had finally dawned on him, and the guilt that hits him like a smack in the face sobers him up faster than ever. He can’t do this. He’s with Julia for Christ sake! He loves her! He has children with her. For the love of god, what was he doing?

“Ju?” The tiny plea breaks him out of his internal hellfire. His head snaps down to look at Noel, and he comes face to face with two enormous black orbs, ringed with a blue so bright it pierces glass. Those orbs, which he had become so used to seeing beam confidence, cockiness and general happiness, were swimming with uncertainty. Looking into those eyes, Julian nearly gets sucked back into a world where problems don’t exist. Where nothing else except those orbs were central for gravity and survival.

Nearly.

“What am I doing?” Noel, oddly enough, seems to relax at his words. Having the opposite effect to the one intended, where Noel freaked out just as much as he did for this disgusting act of ‘whatever you wanted to call it’. Noel’s eyes slide shut, a blissful smile appearing on his face.

“Ha, you had me worried there. Thought you’d gone all shaky on me. I dunno what you’re doing. Why don’t you just start up again, hm?” Noel’s flirting with him. His sultry voice paired with him opening his eyes so that he’s able to peer up at Julian through thick black eyelashes, naked of any makeup, apart from a ring of black around the base of each eye, which might as well be tattooed on. Biting his lip and winking at Julian, intending to get him to start his rhythm up again.

“No.”

“Wh-what?” Noel blinks as though looking at Julian properly for the first time without the aid of tinted love eyes that throw everything into perfection, and he looks at Julian now. Really just looks deep into his eyes. Julian can see the moment that it dawns on Noel, as his pupils, so large it looked like he was on drugs, shrink back down to normal size. The thrill of the moment being torn away from him, being replaced with a stark fear that shows through the hurt being projected from his eyes.

“No!” Julian is up across the room, and pulling on his jeans before Noel’s even blinked. His senses are returning, and he feels like shit. He feels disgusting. How could he. He’s ruined everything, destroyed his life. What about Noel’s?

Fuck Noel’s!

You already did.

That does it. That really does it. He can’t stay. He feels sick. Absolutely sick. Sick to the pit of his stomach—to his very core.

Noel’s sat at the edge of the bed, still half-hard and looking as though his world has just come crashing down around him. Which it probably has. And just as Julian thought he couldn’t feel more like a dick, Noel speaks.

“What are you doing? I thought you… I thought we…”

“We? What are you? Deluded? There is no we. There never has been a we, and there never will be a we. Not the way you seem to think of we anyway.” Julian’s harsh. He’s harsh, because it isn’t right. It isn’t natural what they just did. It’s all kinds of wrong. Julian’s not homophobic, he’s not. But being okay with other people being gay, and actually involving yourself in the practice of gay sex are two completely different things.

And Noel is crying now, there is no denying it. There are smudges under his eyes where his tears have dragged his eyeliner down so that it’s lower than usual. Crying doesn’t suit him. It’s never suited him. And it always used to scare Julian whenever he cried. Always made him want to find the fucker that made him cry and break them. Break them for breaking him.

It was you that’s done it this time.

Julian cannot even think about what he’s just done though, because he hasn’t just brought this on himself, he’s brought Julia and his kids into this now. They cannot find out about this. He has to be harsh. Because if he isn’t, he might come back into his life, and he would tell Julia. If Julian is harsh, then he won’t want to come back and see him again. He will want to stay as far away from Julian and Julia as possible to avoid the pain.

He. Julian had even stopped naming him. Someone who had once been the single most important aspect of his life. He was even blocking out his sight, so that he wasn’t looking directly at him, just trying to make him a generic face so that he didn’t have to deal with the man who was hurt through words Julian had himself inflicted upon him.

Or maybe it’s one of your pathetic attempts to try and make it hurt less. Block it out for yourself. Because you’re selfish. You’ve always been selfish. Imagining he isn’t important so that it hurts you less, even though he’s probably dying inside.

The problem was, Noel was not generic. He never had been. That’s what had made him so special in Julian’s life, because Noel wasn’t like Julian. He meant something. He had purpose in life. That’s what had dawn the two together Julian reckons. The fact that they are polar opposites, with Noel as the show off frontman, and Julian’s generic face providing a backdrop for the marvellous creature in front of him. The marvellous creature, who now had tears uncontrollably streaming down his face as the true impact of Julian’s words were sinking in, burning and tearing at his heart.

“But…” Comes Noel’s tiny voice whilst Julian finishes getting dressed, staring at the wall, the window, his shoes, anything! Anything that is, apart from Noel. “But I love you!”

Julian freezes.

“I really do Julian. And I know you might not realise it right now, but I know you love me back. I know you love with me. Just like I love you. But you refuse to see it. Refuse to see what’s right in front of you. Me. Why can’t you just allow yourself this one thing? Just this once, open your eyes and see. Look at what you have. Because I know you can be happy with me. You know you can be happy with me. But you refuse to admit to yourself that you have feelings for me the same way I have feelings for you. I know you think that you don’t. But seriously? What the hell do you think we just did? That’s got to mean something right? You coming round here to have sex whilst your partner’s away with your children? And don’t tell me you weren’t enjoying it. I know you. I know you better than anyone else. Better than your kids, Julia—heck, even your mum. So I know that you were enjoying it. The same way that I know you have feelings for me, and that we belong together, but you won’t admit to yourself about how you feel. That’s one thing I can’t understand though Julian. Why won’t you admit it to yourself? Why won’t you let us be together? I know we would be amazing for each other. We already are! But let us be more. Why won’t you just let us be more? Just give us a chance. Because…” No. Don’t say it. “… I’m in love with you Julian. Please, let’s just give us a go, yeah? Please… Please?”

Noel’s moved over to the other side of the bed, the side Julian’s closer to, with his arm outstretched and suspended mid-air. He’s got his hand out, palm up, ready for Julian’s hand to slip into so that he can be led back to the bed with Noel. Led back to a relationship with Noel. Led back to a life with Noel. But it will be different to the one that they had before. And Julian knows, looking at Noel, on his knees at the edge of the bed, naked, and with his arm extended out towards Julian, that he cannot go back with Noel. He can never go back with Noel again, and he can never, ever, see Noel again. This leaves Julian one option. And it kills him inside, it really does. But then again—he’s not admitting that to himself is he?

“You think I’m in love with you?” he sneers. His face twisted into a feature that would put a gargoyle to shame, in his attempt to show his disgust at the mere thought of feeling anything of the kind towards Noel.

“Ha! How pathetic can you get? You wanna know the reason I’m round here tonight? Because you’re an easy shag. You were mine for the taking, and I just wanted to prove that I could have you. Easily. And you know what? You helped me to prove a point. You were there as a convenience. Because no-one else was around. That’s all you are to people Noel. A Convenience. I mean, everyone leaves you after a while don’t they. Even Dee. The one person who you said actually meant something to you. Well then where is she? And Lliana? Where’s she, come to think of it? She’s not around either. What’s the matter? Did she get bored as well? I’m not surprised. Who doesn’t get bored of you? I mean, what are you really good for? All people want to do is fuck you and suck up some limelight. I’ve never needed you for limelight though have I? I could have easily made it without you. I probably would’ve done better without you. I just came round here tonight to prove that I can fuck you just like everybody else has. And I have now. So I won’t want to be seeing you ever again. Because why would I want to be seen with anybody like you? I despise you. You disgust me. You are everything I hate, and what’s more, you mean nothing to me. You are just a thirsty bitch.”

Noel gasps, and there it is. The end for them. Because Noel had put his heart out in the open and on the line, and Julian had not merely stepped on it, but run through it with a blade, over and over again; not stopping until there was nothing but a mauled and bloodied lump.

Noel’s clutching at his chest and gasping for air as though in psychical pain. As though something inside of him has broken and as a result—has left him unable to breathe properly. Shattering everything else around it until Noel was completely broken inside. And so Julian does what he had tried to do the evening three nights previous—he grabs his coat and runs out towards the door to leave.

Except this time, nobody calls out his name to try and stop him.