Arctic Conditions

Posted on by
What's the real reason behind the hiatus of The Boosh? Why did Fielding and Plume break up? Why does no-one ever see The Boosh boys together any more? What lies ahead for the future of The Mighty Boosh?

Category:

Characters: , , , ,

Pairing: , , ,

Genre: , , ,

Rating:

Warning: ,

Status:

Length: words

Icy Tears

Contents

Icy Tears

Chapter Summary: Noel’s just got home, but how is he reacting to the pain that his Ju has suddenly inflicted upon him with his harshness?

Chapter Notes: Fuck. I am so sorry. I said I was gonna have this up nearly two weeks ago. Argh :/ I’m so sorry!! I didn’t forget, I have just been so busy and I am so sorry. I cannot even express this apology without it sounding insincere. okay. Well this chapter’s a bit shorter, and the ending felt a bit rushed to me but I dunno… reviews are appreciated. Also, I’m aware I promised smut here, and there is in the next chapter, which is purely smut, it just made more sense to split the chapter from here. So for that, I apologise, and I swear I’m gonna try and get the next chapter up as quickly as is possible. MUCH LOVE <3 Xxx

Noel’s shaking. Not because his flat’s cold, which it’s not, but because sobs are racking his slight frame. He’s glad. Because the pain he’s feeling is the only reminder he’s got of Julian in his life anymore. However sick and twisted that is, he’s still glad.

He’s also glad Lliana isn’t in to see him like this. He wouldn’t know how to explain himself. He wouldn’t even know where to begin. She wouldn’t understand. She never understood when it came to Julian. She wasn’t like Dee. Dee. And, even though Noel hadn’t thought it possible, the sobs intensified.

He’d fucked everything up with Dee. Everything. He knew that she and he were perfect for each other in every way. Apart from one. He didn’t love her like he loved Julian. And she knew. He’d told her. And then she’d left him.

The oddest part of it was why she’d left him. That conversation was the biggest shock of them all.

He’d stormed into their little hotel room in a state. Drunk, crying, and possibly a little bit high. He couldn’t remember exactly what it was he had taken, but he knew that it wasn’t legal.

Dee had seen him like this on many occasions previously, but it was a couple of years ago now, when he’d go out to parties, getting drunk, high, anything that would be offered just so that he could get away from the pressures of yet another day spent with Julian, unable to touch him.

Of course she’d thought he’d been with someone else. In all her time with him, never once had he been this upset.

“Noel. It’s okay. I mean, if you… slept, with someone else… it’s okay.”

So nice. Always so nice to him. Even when he was a dick and showed her up, she remained loyal and by his side. The best sidekick anyone could ask for. Chi and Recard. The best fucking crooks in all the land. Outcast together. The best of friends. Lovers.

You don’t deserve her.

“I didn’t. I swear I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I love you Dee. So fucking much. I would never…” The rest of what he’s saying is drowned out in a massive sob that is swallowed down by his hands as he covers his face with them. His hands don’t cover his entire face. They aren’t that big. Julian’s would. Julian’s are bigger. Julian. He sobs even harder.

Dee relaxes, which means that she believes him. Of course she does, she’d know if he were lying. He can sense that she doesn’t know what to do though. She’s totally at a loss. Standing next to the bed, where Noel’s currently sitting on the hard mattress, sobbing his heart out, while she twists her hands not knowing what to do. Noel calms himself down, for her sake. Enough so that he can tell her what’s going on. He needs to tell her what’s going on.

“Come here” Noel doesn’t even recognise his own voice. Cracked and warped with the nights activities, but he wants to help Dee to understand; because right now she hasn’t got a clue, and it is breaking his heart. He knows that what he’s about to say to her will break her heart, but he hasn’t got a choice. It needs to be said.

She deserves better.

“Dee, you know I love you, right?” Noel’s looking straight into her eyes. She’s blurring in front of him, his eyes are filling up again and there’s nothing that he can do to stop the tears from spilling over down his face. He’s no longer sobbing however. That’s got to be something.

She’s looking directly back at him, into his eyes as well. He can sense her confusion. Worry. Pity. The one thing he never wants to feel from her. Pity. Because when the beautiful woman that you love begins to feel pity for you, rather than understanding or helping you? You’re fucked anyway.

You’ve always been fucked.

“Of course I do.” She replies. “Noel?” She sounds scared. “What is it? What’s wrong? Tell me what’s going on, please?” He’s still looking into her eyes. He can sense her fear, the uncertainty. The uncertainty is what’s scaring her, because she doesn’t know what to do. But she wants to. God she wants to.

He does. He knows what he has to do, and it hurts. So fucking much. But it has to be done, for both their sakes. But he can’t bring himself to do it just yet. It needs to wait to be said, because when he’s looking into her eyes like he is now, everything else just goes away.

And so, looking into her eyes, still silently crying, he kisses her. It’s not like their normal kisses. It’s forceful. All of the anger and energy poured into the kiss. He’s still drunk, enough out of it for it to be rough. His hands dominating her as he grips the sides of her head, pulling her mouth to his as though this will make it all go away.

She gasps into his mouth. He’s twisting his fingers deeply into her hair, knotting the roots around his digits so hard it’s painful. She’s making pained noises into his mouth, before she starts pulling at his fingers to get away. She doesn’t want him.

Nobody wants you.

Then he realises what he’s doing, and that he’s doing it to her. The one person who he swore that he would never hurt again, and in a flash he’s backed up against the wall of their hotel room on the opposite side of the room from her, leaving her sat on the bed alone. She’s looking at him now with concern. She knows he’d never hurt her. She knows that.

Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she’s looking at you that way ‘cause she’s frightened that you will.

No. Stop it. It’s not that. Still looking at her, more tears start to flow. Good. Let them. He hurt Dee, so now it’s his turn to be hurt. She’s still looking at him, concern turning into horror as he puts his hands into his own hair, twisting it around his fingers just like he had done to Dee. He wants to feel the pain, because it’s yet another pain that he’s put her through, and he wants to make it up to her.

“No.” her voice is firm as she starts to make her way across the room towards him.

“STOP IT NO.” He’s shouting at her, feeling more lucid, as some of the effects the drink and drugs had taken on him having worn off; enough to know that he doesn’t want her coming anywhere near him in case he hurts her again. He’s holding one of his hands out to stop her from coming any closer, the other one still twisting his hair. He expects her to freeze immediately, but she doesn’t. She’s not that easily deterred; and before he knows it, she in front of him, gently guiding his arms, so that his hand out of his hair. He doesn’t want her to be near him though. He’s disgusting and he doesn’t want her to touch him, because she’s perfect. She’s always been perfect, and he doesn’t want to taint her with his dirty, disgusting touch. He tries to pull away.

She’s too good for you.

“No.” she says again, and he can’t help but obey her voice. He stops trying to pull away, but he’s still tense; standing there with his arms down by his sides. “What’s going on? Why do you keep trying to pull away?” she’s cradling his face gently in her hands, so gentle in comparison to how rough he was being with her. The way she’s holding his face means that he has no choice but to look her directly in the eyes as he answers.

“Because, I’m disgusting. You shouldn’t want to be anywhere near me. God…” His voice is cracking because the tears are welling up again. “I’m so sorry Dee.”

With that he slides down the wall so that he’s sitting on the floor, crying softly to himself. Then suddenly, she’s there next to him. Sat beside him, cradling his body as he leans into her open arms to be comforted. Selfish, selfish bastard.

“You’re not disgusting. How can you even think that?” her voice is incredulous at even the mere mention of the word. The fact that it’s coming from his own mouth seems to make her spit it out like a bad taste. “Please just tell me what’s wrong?”

Noel sits up away from her arms. It’s hard enough without having her comforting him. Selfish. Always selfish. “I love you so much Dee” he whispers, looking at the wall opposite them. He takes a deep breath to steady his nerves. It doesn’t do much good, and threatens to worsen the situation again, as the newly acquired air he’s just taken into his lungs threatens to escape him in more sobs. He needs to say it now before it has a chance to escape him.

“I kissed Julian.” He shuts his eyes, awaiting the shouting match to begin. The screams, insults and tears, all directed at him to start flying as soon as the words leave his mouth. But nothing happens. He chances a look to his right, to see what Dee’s doing. What he sees surprises him.

Dee is sat there, tears making her eyes shine. But that isn’t what’s surprising him. What’s surprising him is the fact that she is smiling. Not a bitter or twisted smile, but a genuine, heartfelt smile. “About fucking time you pillock” she whispers.

“What?” he’s frowning at her, not sure that she’s entirely grasping the concept of what it is he’s saying. But if she hadn’t, wouldn’t she have been relieved? Wondering why I was bothering her with something everyone knew? She must’ve understood… “Dee, do you realise what I’m saying? I don’t mean in the show. I mean backstage. When no-one else was around. We were alone and I kissed him, not accidentally, but purposely. Not like a friend either. I don’t just love him; I’m in love with him, and I wanna be with him.” He winces at that last one. Tactile Fielding, his inner voice scolds him.

“I know. And I’ve been waiting for you to tell me.” Noel’s even more confused now.

“I’m confused. Why aren’t you angry?”

“Why am I not angry? Jesus Noel. How long have we been going out now? I know you better than you seem to think. I’ve seen the way you look at him. How you brighten the second he walks into a room. I’ve been waiting a fucking age for you to actually tell me, so that I can finally fuck off and you two can get on with it.” She smiling a bit wider now, but the tears have spilled over, taking her eyeliner and mascara with them. Her cheeks have shiny black streaks staining them, but she is still the most beautiful woman Noel thinks he’s ever laid eyes on.

“But…” he’s honestly speechless.

“I’ve been waiting for you to tell me how you felt about him for ages. Because I knew that once you’d told me, you’d finally have started admitting it to yourself, and that you’d be able to move on from me to get with Julian. Finally. So, are you two…” She doesn’t need to finish the rest of her sentence for Noel to understand, which is good. She may already know how Noel feels, but it doesn’t mean that it isn’t hurting her to say it.

“No…” She looks at him questioningly as he stands, her left eyebrow raised. “He doesn’t feel the same.”

“Yes he does.” She answers so quickly, and with such certainty that his head snaps up as he turns round to face her.

“What? Has he told you something? How do you know?” She looks into his eyes, so filled with hope that Julian has in some way confirmed these feelings to her, and her looks soften as she stands up to answer him.

“No…” His face falls as he walks around the bed, opting to sit on the seat ledge by the window on the opposite side of the room instead. “But it’s obvious!” Noel just looks at her, smiling sadly. “It is! The way he looks at you, it’s like you’re his whole world. Like if you weren’t there he wouldn’t know what to do. He’d just… crumble.” She says it with such passion that Noel nearly believes her. Until he remembers the way that Julian had run away after his declaration of love.

“It’s not true.” he’s stubborn.

“It is.” So is she.

“How can you be sure?” Noel’s sure he gets her there. Positive when he hears her silence that he has won this discussion. After a few seconds however, she answers. Her voice is so small and timid that Noel almost misses what she says; as though she wasn’t sure she should be saying it, but had to.

“Because he looks at you the same way I look at you…”

He looks over at her. Seeing her properly for the first time since he’s walked into the room. More preoccupied with thoughts of Julian, and how he was going to tell her, that his mind hasn’t had a chance to properly take in Dee and what she’s doing.

She’s all hunched in on herself. Not at all like she usually is—open and outgoing, ready to take what the world throws at her. It hurts him to see that she’s turned into this because of what someone—because of what he—has said to her. It breaks his heart, because he’s broken her heart.

Tears are running down her face again, and so Noel gets up off the window seat, and puts his arms around her waist. It’s a futile attempt to get her to stop hurting, as she wraps her arms around his neck and cries away her broken heart into his shoulder.

Noel’s sobbing hasn’t stopped. He hadn’t realised that it was possible to have this many tears in his body. He wanted to go back in time. To before he’d told Julian, when everything had been good in his life. Back to when he was with Dee, and The Boosh was still going strong, with no hint of ever slowing down or stopping. Back to when he, Dee, Sue, Chris, Julian, and yeah even Julia, could go for a night out without everything being stilted and awkward.

Or even earlier in life! When it had just been The Boosh boys. When there was nobody else to complicate matters, or get in the way of him and Julian. I wish I could go back before Julian had his kids. It was an evil thing to think. Noel knew it was. But after Julian had kids, he’d never looked at Noel in the same way ever again. Watching Julian around his children, Noel knows that he will never again be the most important thing in Julian’s life. And that hurts. That hurts a lot.

That’s why he’d run out of Julian’s flat. Julian had given him a look that showed his disgust, and Noel couldn’t bear it. He could only just about bear Julian’s kids coming before him—there was reason to that. It was justifiable. But the hatred and disgust in the look he had given Noel, before he had decided to run out of the flat, had left Noel feeling hollow and empty. That’s why he had run out into the cold night air, running so fast he didn’t even remember his phone, which he had left on the coffee table back at Julian’s flat beside the laptop. He hadn’t even remembered that he’d left his coat hanging by the front door of Julian’s flat.

And now Noel was sat on his sofa, sobbing his eyes out in a bid to try and rid himself of four, fucking long, years of heartache. He remembers what his life had been like with Julian before anything else had come along to spoil it. Anyone else rather. He remembers before Dee and Julia. Before he’d known Rich. And hell, even before Mike had met him. Just when he and Dave had gone to see this quirky guy do some stand up, and Noel had thought it to be about the best thing ever.

Dave wasn’t interested in meeting him, and so Noel had gone over to the fellow freak show, who had just exited stage, and was currently taking residence in the bar; hiding behind a pint, and looking as if he was uncomfortable just existing. But Noel had ignored all the signs that this guy didn’t do conversation, and wouldn’t take well to a stranger striking one up with him, and bounced keenly over to him. Because the man was a genius.

It was around that time that Noel had started using that word to describe everything, and it became his well-known phrase. It was a couple of months into writing it into his character for The Boosh, that Noel had realised he was in love with Julian, and the only reason he had started using the word to describe everything, was to compare everything with how he viewed Julian.

He knew it was stupid, and that it wasn’t a proper system, but he viewed Julian as a genius, and so in order to hide how he really felt about Julian, he overcompensated by using the word ‘genius’ to try and distract himself. This only led to everything being referred to as that, so that the word ‘love’ didn’t slip from his mouth. Until later on, when twelve years of hiding and trying not to let it spill catches up with him, and he blurts it out backstage during their tour.

And so now, here he was. No Dee, Rich, Mike, Dave or Julia. Just like you wanted. But there’s also no Julian. And there never would be again. Noel decides he doesn’t want to think anymore. Doesn’t want to remember anything else from his past. Because his past, good or bad, hurts. It hurts to think about. Bad, and it just reminds him how much of a failure he is. Good, and it hurts him to know that he doesn’t have it anymore. Because he doesn’t have any of it anymore. Everything from his past was gone. Including Julian.

And so Noel, who has left the sofa, rummages around the kitchen cupboards, through the large supply of spirits that he and Lliana have hidden from view of normal guests, reserving the collection for close friends and family. Chancing upon three bottles of whiskey, Noel holds them close to his chest, as though he were cradling children, and stumbles tearfully through the flat, to go to the empty bedroom, to remain there for the rest of the night.

It has been three days. Three, god awful, fucking days. How can everything go to such shit in that space of time? This wasn’t like an episode of The Boosh, where everything could change within their half hour time slot. This was real life. Things like this weren’t supposed to happen this fast in real life.

Except that they had. And Noel now felt as if he was playing out a part in a particularly bad rom-com. What would that make him? The lovesick protagonist, pining after the handsome, rugged hunk? Hunk? Really? Not that he doesn’t think Julian’s fit. Just the word hunk… Urgh. His mind is clearly also slowly going to shit.

But now Julian’s on his mind again, and Noel can’t do anything as the tears roll over. Noel tries to come up with a time in the last three days that he hasn’t been either drinking or crying, but finds that he can’t find any. He looks at the bottle in his hand.

Nobody’s been round, and he has no way of knowing if people have tried ringing him on his mobile, as he has, very helpfully, left it at Julian’s. So when there’s a jittery knock at the door, Noel briefly contemplates not answering it. His flat is a mess after all. And that’s not the only thing.

When the knocking on the door doesn’t cease however, Noel becomes angry.

“FUCKING ALRIGHT“ he isn’t in the mood for any of his mate’s shit. Unless it’s Dave or Mike, which he highly doubts, as they’re in LA, helping Rich tour, he’d probably end up slamming the door in their faces anyway. He didn’t really count anyone else as a mate. They were all too shallow, and used him for his status, so that they could get on the front cover of magazines. If they weren’t shallow, then he didn’t want to see them anyway, as none of them really knew Julian, and so wouldn’t think twice about slagging him off after they saw the state Noel was in, and who was the reason behind it.

The state he’s in, and the mess around the flat would probably also make them think he’d turned back to drugs. As if you hadn’t considered it.

He wrenches open the door, fully prepared to slam it shut again straight away. He couldn’t even deal with himself right now, why would he want company? Then the man in the doorway turned around, and Noel halted his original plans, and settled for standing there mutely, shocked.

The past three days had been spent in isolation. He hadn’t washed, eaten or slept. But he had drunk. Drunk a fucking lot. He had drunk, smoked and cried till his heart had snapped in two.

But none of that matters to Noel anymore. He can’t bring himself to care.

Because there is Julian. Stood right there in front of him on his doorstep. He looks about just as bad as Noel feels. Unshaven, red ringed eyes, smoke fumes pouring off his very being. He’s probably been drinking just as much as Noel has as well. And he hasn’t showered either.

Noel knows his behaviour patterns well enough, to know that when Julian’s like this, he doesn’t take care of himself properly. Doesn’t eat properly, sleep properly or wash properly. Nothing. Noel knows. Noel knows, because he is the exact same.

“Don’t ask questions. Don’t stop me.” Julian all but growls, before he pushes Noel into the flat and slams the door shut behind him. These tiny details don’t matter to Noel though, because he’s been pushed up against the wall by Julian’s mouth upon his own.