Arctic Conditions

Posted on by
What's the real reason behind the hiatus of The Boosh? Why did Fielding and Plume break up? Why does no-one ever see The Boosh boys together any more? What lies ahead for the future of The Mighty Boosh?

Category:

Characters: , , , ,

Pairing: , , ,

Genre: , , ,

Rating:

Warning: ,

Status:

Length: words

Goosebumps

Contents

Goosebumps

Chapter Summary: Last night was a mistake. It shouldn’t of happened. All Julian needs to do now, is keep Noel from finding out…

Chapter Notes: Hey, so I finished this last night, but I sent it to the lovely KittieHill for approval before I’m posting it here. Anyway, I hope you enjoy—also I apologise for the gap between this one and the last one, I was stuck for ideas for a while x

There’s a long drawn out ringing sound drilling into Julian’s head when he first wakes up. He groans into the pillow, his head pounding, despite the fact he knows he didn’t drink anything last night. He feels rough, and in his half-awake state, he can’t remember anything, or even have the energy to question why he feels as though someone has dropped a half tonne of guilt onto him.

With the annoying ringing sound continuing, he buries his head back into his pillow, and promptly falls back asleep.

Noel’s finger has turned white with the amount of pressure he’s putting on the doorbell as he leans against it.

He’s glancing around outside of the door as he does it. It’s probably a bit early in the morning for this to be honest, but Julian not answering or even returning his calls is frightening him even more than he’d thought possible. He just has a niggling feeling that something’s wrong, and when it comes to Julian—he’s never wrong.

He takes his finger off the doorbell, and is just contemplating going round to the back door, or lobbing a brick through the window, when the door opens. It’s Julia.

“Oh, Noel hi!” she’s combing her fingers through her hair in an attempt to try and get it looking halfway decent. Well she must’ve slept rough last night after her and Julian—

Ah. Shit.

He’s probably the last person she wants to see considering what Julian told her yesterday. If he told her yesterday. Which he did. Only have his word for it. Yeah, and I trust him. Now back off. Hmmm.

 

“Hey Julia, I’m really sorry—I know you probably don’t wanna see me right now. I mean, given everything that’s gone on…” That statement hangs in the air and makes Julia frown in an emotion that, surprisingly, isn’t anger. It’s almost confusion? “Anyway, I was just wondering if you knew where Julian was? Only, I know you had a bit of a row last night…” Bit of an understatement. She blushes prettily and looks at the floor, pretty much confirming his suspicions that they’ve pretty much had a row to end all rows.

Noel feels a pang of sympathy for her. He does like Julia. They get on really well together, even when Julian isn’t forcing them into social situations together. She’s also pretty much the only woman that Noel could possibly bear to lose Julian to. However, that boat has long since sailed, as Julian and Noel love each other, and she isn’t even in the competition anymore. Temper temper.

“I’ve tried ringing his phone, but I’m getting no answer. I’m a bit worried about him actually, it’s not at all like him to ignore my calls or texts. You don’t happen to know if he’s gone to stay at a mates house or s—”

As if on cue, Julian’s in the corridor, clothed in nothing but boxers and an old t-shirt that Noel bought for him, way back when they both lived with Lee. Having knocked into the table and knocking the landline flying cracking into the floorboards, and alerting both him and Julia of his presence in the house. Noel looks between them, Julian in his clearly just got out of bed clothes, and Julia in her silk kimono which cuts off just above the knee, hastily wrapped over her frame to cover herself with what little else she’s wearing underneath. Noel can tell straight away, and his world has come crashing down around him.

Julian’s standing awkwardly, with one leg back out behind the other whilst he’s on tiptoe, as though… He was trying to sneak away unheard so you wouldn’t find out.

Julia shoots him an annoyed glance, one that says ‘be more careful’, before turning smiling back to Noel and rolling her eyes good-naturedly; but neither man see any of this. Because Julian’s too busy looking at Noel, and Noel can’t seem to tear his eyes away from the man. Stood on tiptoe, with his hands splayed out and hovering in the air as though they were placed on top of a desk; and he’s stood there staring at Noel wide eyed. Quite the achievement for him really! Shut up, shut up, shut up, no, no, no, no, NO.

It’s what his eyes are showing that kill Noel inside. His thoughts being projected through one look:

“It’s not what it looks like.”

Noel feels sick.

Julia’s looking at him expectantly, as though waiting for him to come in now he’s seen Julian; standing sideways with a slight smile on her face. That’s the last thing Noel wants to do now he’s seen Julian. He feels physically sick. He looks back at Julia, directly into her eyes so that he doesn’t have to see Julian. He’s looking directly at her, his eyes locked with hers as he feels the prickling sensation behind his eyes that signals the arrival of tears.

“Sorry, Julia.” Noel doesn’t even recognise the sound of his own voice. It’s usual upbeat and cheeky streak replaced by something cold and lifeless, stranding him with something monotone and flat. “Clearly I’ve caught you at a busy time.” He’s making a point to direct all of this at Julia, completely ignoring the frozen, distraught Yorkshireman at her side. He’s maintained eye contact this entire time, until his vision starts to cloud, and her beautiful face starts to morph into something else entirely. “I’ll see ya around.”

That’s all he offers before he’s marching off down the short pathway leading to the front door, his cuban boots crunching the asphalt beneath them.

He knows it’s Noel the second he hears the male voice at the door. He’s already far too close to the door for his own liking, having tried to investigate the cause of his early morning disturbance. Of course it’s all backfired as soon as he’s far enough down the corridor to be seen from the doorway.

He needs to move back and away from the corridor; just enough so that if Noel were to switch his gaze even slightly, he won’t be seen. Just move around the corner and—

There is a loud clatter and he looks down to see what the cause of the disturbance is. That fucking landline. He curses his own stupidity in his head. How could he forget the massive fucking table in the hallway?

And then he remembers why it was he was trying to keep quiet. His head snaps up to look at the doorway. Noel.

As his head snaps up, those blue eyes lock on to his, and that’s it. He’s frozen. He can’t move—he can’t even blink. He tries to send a message through his eyes—desperate for Noel to understand.

“It’s not what it looks like.”

Except… Well, it is what it looks like. It’s exactly what it looks like. And Noel’s flinching away from his message. Flinching away from Julian, and he knows that this is it. There really is no going back from this, and looking at Noel now, he knows he’ll never forgive him.

His suspicions are confirmed when Noel opens his mouth and starts talking to Julia. “Sorry, Julia.” The voice that speaks a million different emotions flatlining into a dull and desolate drone.

That’s not right. Nothing about Noel has ever been dull. He can only think of one other time that Noel has used this tone of voice—when he broke up with Dee. It didn’t suit him then either.

“Clearly I’ve caught you at a busy time.” He’s making a point of avoiding Julian’s eye, speaking directly to Julia and ignoring him completely. Can you blame him you prick?

“I’ll see you around.” He can hear the hitch in Noel’s voice, the only sign of emotion he’s shown since he saw Julian standing in the hallway; that’s all it takes for Julian to unfreeze.

Julia turns back to look at him with a confused look in her eye about Noel’s less than normal behaviour—even for him. Julian is already pushing past her though, following the crunch of heels on asphalt. In his barefoot state, the gravel cuts into his bare feet, however, he can hardly feel it. Too caught up in his heart crumbling away at every step of those heeled boots.

“Noel!” He can hear the sound of Julian’s voice getting louder as he continues calling his name, but he stays true to his emotions, which are bubbling just under the surface. Just one little push though… “Noel”.

And there it is. He snaps.

“What.” Noel’s taken aback by his own ferocity in which he spins around to face the older man with. Julian’s recoil at the emotion he faces is almost comical. Almost. He’s not that funny. Sure.

Julian looks lost and more than a little cold, the wind has picked up, and Noel makes a mental catalogue of the little that Julian is wearing: Boxers, t-shirt, no shoes. Noel can’t help but feel more than a little satisfaction at this, hoping the cold is biting into him, along with the gravel on his bare feet.

Julian slowly raises his hands up in a surrender, as though to defend himself, or calm a wild animal.

“Noel, please.” His voice is annoyingly calm and measured, obviously trying to keep Noel calm as well. It fails miserably, as the younger man becomes more wound up; the soothing voice grating on his nerves.

“No. Don’t you fucking ‘please‘ me. You came round to mine last night, making a big song and dance that—” He’s cut off.

“Noel.” There’s warning in Julian’s tone that he shouldn’t say anything else.

“What? You haven’t told her and so you want me to not say anything?” Julian looks at him with pleading in his eyes. Out of the corner of his eye, Noel can see Julia standing in the doorway watching the exchange between the two men. “Why shouldn’t I say anything then Julian? Give me one good reason not to.”

Julian looks at Noel momentarily. His shoulders slump at the realisation that he has no argument. Noel has the power. The power to destroy the relationship, the way that Julian has destroyed him.

“Why don’t you tell her then Julian? Tell her about how you came round, before declaring your fucking undying love for me.” He hisses it quietly, and a look of gratitude is plastered onto Julian’s face. Even when he’s taken everything from you, you still can’t bear to hurt him.

Julian hangs his head shamefully, bringing his hands up to cover his face to completely cover himself. There is still a tension in Julian’s body, as though he isn’t sure Noel still won’t tell Julia everything.

The wind has picked up, and the chill is bringing up goosebumps on Julian’s arms. Noel laughs once, humourlessly, shaking his head the sorry spectacle of Julian stood in front of him.

“You’re a joke.” he cannot help his voice breaking halfway through the last word. And with that statement in the air, Noel turns on his heel and walks away.

Julian listens to the sounds of Noel walking. He remains on the path outside with his head in his hands until he can no longer hear the sounds of boots hitting the tarmac of the street. He pulls his head up and brings his hands to rest in front of his face, clasped together.

“Julian?” He closes his eyes at her voice. This needs to be explained to Julia. Now.

Noel sobs into the pillow. How could he be so stupid? Of course everything that Julian said was a lie, but… why?

You weren’t to know.

You’ve changed your tune.

It’s not your fault this time.

 

This time. Noel laughs bitterly at the voice of his subconscious.

He’s curled up in a ball on the bed, clutching a pillow and sobbing into it—marking the white cotton with running eyeliner. There’s no drink left in any of the cupboards strong enough to make this go away. Secretly, Noel’s glad. The last thing he wants is to fall back into the trap of comfort drinking. That’s what happened with Dee.

Looking onto his nightstand, he sees his phone, where he left it after Julian dropped it off. He unlocks his phone, ignoring all of the messages various people have left for him, and goes into his contact list.

He flicks through until he finds the name he is looking for. His thumb hovers over the name, unsure whether or not to ring it. There is a chance that the number may not even work, but he dismisses that though. He knows it works. His mind is trying to think of reasons not to ring, but he wants to. He needs to.

With his mind still weighing up pros and cons, he hits the call button. He needs advice.

Not wanting to spend the night in the hotel room he’s booked, Julian goes to the nearest pub. Which happens to be about a mile away. You could do with a walk to clear your head. Maybe then you’d stop fucking other people around.

 

After arriving in the pub, he sits down and orders himself a double whisky chaser. It’s one of those nights. He’d explained everything to Julia. Everything that had happened between him and Noel, ever since that fateful night. She had remained strangely calm; impassively telling him he needed to leave and not come back for a few days.

Julian downs his first drink in one and orders another. She had told him that he could only come and see the kids after she phoned him—when she felt able to be around him—but that, of course, the kids needed their father, and so she wouldn’t stop him from seeing them. It would however, be on her terms when he would next see them, and that he had to stay somewhere else, because it was too painful to look at him, let alone be in the same room as him, and that she, in no way, would ever be able to move past such horrendous thoughtlessness.

She had started crying then. Silent tears making their way down her cheeks where she sat. He had had nothing to say, and so, after kissing her forehead by way of an apology—an apology nowhere near big enough—he went to pack a bag and put some clothes on to leave the house.

After spending the whole day effectively moving out, he booked into the nearest hotel. He then spent three hours sat in a hotel room, before looking at his watch and concluding that, at ten thirty, he could still get some really get some good drinking time in. After raiding his mini bar, and checking the prices of the stupidly small bottles, he decided to check his phone for local pubs, in order for him to have a proper drink.

That’s how he wound up in here. Downing his drinks and thinking about all of the stupid things that he has done in less than a month, to a woman more amazing than he ever deserved. Then he thinks about Noel. The look of betrayal and hurt as he saw Julian in his boxers, clearly having had it off with Julia last night. It must’ve broken his heart. Again.

He drinks into the early hours of the morning, until the pub closes and he’s forced to go back to the hotel room. He stops off at an 24-hour off license to buy some fags and a bottle of whisky, smoking three fags in a row before he realises that he’s headed in the wrong direction, and that he’s headed towards Julia’s flat. He’s not sure when he started thinking of it as ‘Julia’s flat’ but that’s what he’s doing. He wouldn’t be able to kick her out of the flat—not after everything that he’s done to her. He coukdn’t.

Didn’t have a problem doing any of the other stuff to her though did you.Shut up. He then, very drunk and lightheaded, begins to walk back in the direction that he came, towards his current residence—the hotel.

In his drunken state, he doesn’t think twice about going down the alleyway that’s likely to take him the quickest way. Not even thinking about how dangerous it could be in his current condition, his mind filled up with images of Noel and how stupid he’s been to let him get away. You didn’t let him ‘get away’, you broke his heart. Four fucking times.

 

Julian lifts the bottle to his mouth to prevent the sob rising in his throat from escaping. He stumbles again, catching himself against the wall as he pauses to rest his head against the arm braced against the wall. He hears it then. Footsteps.

 

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Well it was bound to happen wasn’t it. If it weren’t for you tripping you probably wouldn’t even have noticed until it was too late. If it weren’t for that stop you wouldn’t know that something was about to happen. Mugging, stabbing. You just wouldn’t know. Not that you can do much now even though you know mind you, but still. At least you’re informed that someone will do something. Great. That’ll be a great weapon against them. Knowledge.

Julian forces himself to stand upright, to try and turn to face his attacker. But the booze has made him clumsier than he had realised, and he stumbles back into the wall again. The footsteps are close now, and Julian panics. He quickly pushes himself off the wall, spinning round at the same time. This move proves fatal however, as his drink addles brain cannot catch up with the move quick enough, and so the world spins as Julian forces himself to not throw up. Before he can comprehend his positioning there is a dulled spark of pain in his jaw, before his brain registers he is on the floor, the bottle smashing as it also hits the ground where Julian’s dropped it.

Julian looks up, rapidly blinking away the dark spots that are clouding his already hazy vision to try and see his attacker, to try and counteract this next move. What he sees instead is Dave standing over him, fire in his eyes and his fists clenched down by his sides.

There is a tell-tale copper tang on his tongue as he swallows in an attempt to moisten his dry throat. Dave appears to be trembling; whether it’s Julian’s drunken mind imagining it, the cold, or Dave’s pure rage is yet unclear to Julian. He decides to find out.

“Dave?”

“How fucking could you.”

Rage it is then.

It’s more a statement than a question, but Julian’s drunk, and so answering seems like the appropriate thing to do. Big mistake.

“I don’t know.”

There’s a bloom of more muted pain; higher up this time, on his cheek as it spreads out across his face. Julian’s head has snapped to the side with the force of the punch, and he can feel the skin tear right over the bone, and all he can think is: “I’m gonna be feeling that tomorrow”. Well no fucking shit.

“Dave, I’m sorry.” Understatement. Dave will never accept that.

“You’re sorry? YOU’RE SORRY?” Told you. Julian has never heard Dave like this, and he’s glad he’s still facing away, because he doesn’t know if he can handle seeing Dave like this; having lost it completely. He shuts his eyes, screwing them up, as though it’s going to make it all go away. Of course it doesn’t. Dave’s only just beginning.

“Sorry does not even begin to cover the shit you have put him through, you scumbag. He is a wreck. I hope you’re fucking miserable. You cannot even begin to comprehend what is going on with him at the moment Julian. It would fucking destroy you. On second thoughts, maybe I should tell you! Bring you further down into the gutter than you’ve already sunk. You can’t even look at me can you? You coward! Out drinking away your memories are you? Too painful are they? Well good. I hope they fucking burn you from the inside out, considering the pain you’ve caused him. Oh for god’s sake, would you just fucking LOOK AT ME.” Dave screams it into the night.

Julian opens his eyes and turns his head; but, because he’s still on the floor with Dave standing over him, Julian’s eyes are on Dave’s legs. This only seems to infuriate the other man further, as his tone changes, his insults flying with a more direct hit.

“I’ve heard Julia kicked you out.” Oh. And there’s his pressure point. He tenses and Dave’s eyes flash. Clearly what he was after. He wants a reaction.

“What had she ever done to you, to deserve being treated like that Julian? Hm? What had he done to be treated like that? He gave you another chance! Why throw that back at him? Maybe it was all for the best then as everyone’s found out what you’re really like now. Spineless. Cowardly. Cheat.” Julian flinches. “Oh. What’s the matter? Don’t like being called a cheat? Well you are one Julian. And you know what? I hope Julia tells your kids so that they can know what a cunt their daddy is. So that they don’t want to have anything else to do with you.”

Julian tilts his head so that he is looking directly into Dave’s eyes. They’re shining with angry tears, and although that shouldn’t surprise him it does. What surprises him even more however, is that he himself bursts into tears, burying his head in his hands as he cries.

“I’m sorry Dave, I’m so so sorry. You’re right, I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been! My kids deserve to never see me again. I’m so sorry, please believe me!” Julian’s sobbing drowns out the rest of whatever it is he’s going to say. He sits there with his forehead resting on his knees, and his arms wrapped around his legs, rocking, like a child.

There is a palpable switch in the atmosphere as Dave clearly decides what he wants to do. Well… not wants. Clearly what he wants to do is kick seven types of shit out of Julian. What he does instead is crouch down next to Julian to wrap his arms around his shoulders tensely. It’s clear that Dave still doesn’t want to be there, yet Julian is still his friend, and so he stays. Julian couldn’t be more grateful to him for that.

“Thank you”, Julian manages to gasp out in between gut wrenching sobs, and Dave seems to relax slightly. Understanding that Julian has realised he doesn’t want to be there, and so knows that he’s in no danger of coming across as forgiving with the hug.

“Why’d you do it Julian?” he whispers, tears audible in his voice.

“I don’t know.” Julian whispers back. “I don’t—” he manages to cut himself off as he starts ferociously crying again. Dave starts rubbing soothing circles onto Julian’s back to try and calm him down. It’s more than you deserve.

 

“Okay. Come on now, let’s get you back. Where are you staying?” Dave’s standing and pulling Julian up with him, careful to avoid the broken glass of the bottle. Julia, still crying, points in the vague direction which he was walking, on the other side of the alley.

He’s crying too much to be able to create proper sentences—something which isn’t helpful at all to Dave, who frowns as he tries to figure out hotels that they’re near. He comes up blank as he asks:

“Do you know which way to go?”

Julian nods, gasping air into his lungs as he tries to calm down. Dave’s starts rubbing the soothing circles onto his back again, as Julian nearly goes into meltdown in the alleyway. He can feel the pressure in his chest receding, as Dave’s calming strategy manages to fight away the panic attack that was bubbling its way up in his chest. He takes a couple of deep breathes before turning to Dave.

“Alright?” Dave asks, still supporting Julian’s drunken figure with both hands. Julian nods vaguely, his crying reduced to nothing but hitched breaths, and starts stumbling his way out of the alley, Dave holding him upright.

As soon as they’re in the hotel room Dave lets go of Julian, who begins swaying on his feet. As Dave disappears into the bathroom, Julian staggers forward towards the bed, which suddenly seems a million miles away from where he’s stood. He falls onto the bed face first, his legs hanging over the edge as his arms are spread out either side of him. There’s running water in the bathroom, which stops after a moment, before Julian can hear the footsteps of the other man.

“Julian?” Dave whispers, not sure if Julian is asleep or not. He groans a quiet affirmation that he’s heard his name, before rolling onto his back and looking at Dave, who’s holding a glass of water out towards him. He sits up and takes it, with a small smile and thanks, drinking half the glass in one go. Dave takes the half empty glass from him whilst Julian takes his shoes off. As he starts to pull down his trousers, he sees Dave looking at him like he wants to say something.

“Say it.” Dave clearly debates saying whatever it is he wants to say, before deciding that it’s something he wants Julian to hear.

“Just because I’m here, doesn’t mean I’m not still angry at you. I’m still so angry. Fucking hell, I mean I could kill you! I want to kill you right now.” Dave huffs a laugh humourlessly. That’s something else that Julian’s managed to destroy. Dave’s constant happy. Because Dave was like Noel—always smiling. Just one of a million things that Julian’s managed to fuck up.

“Why are you here?” Julian asks, genuinely curious, as Dave clearly wants to rip off his head right now.

“Because you’re still my mate.” Dave answers simply.

“You shouldn’t care about me.” Julian mumbles pitifully to himself, his drunken mind not screening thoughts that should probably be kept to himself, to keep him from sounding like a compliment digging drama queen.

“At the moment? I don’t. I just… somehow I feel like you’re already doing yourself enough damage without my help.” Dave smiles sadly, he hands the water to Julian again, who finished the remaining gulps of it to help him sober up slightly, and to rehydrate himself from all of the crying he’s been doing. He returns Dave’s smile as he stands to lift the corner of the cover up to climb in, feeling the fatigue wash over him in a wave.

Dave looks at the clock next to the bed. “Well, I should be going…” he hovers uncertainly by the side of the bed.

“Go.” Julian says simply. He’s too exhausted to be able to keep his eyes open, and they’re closing even as he speaks.

Dave turns to go before evidently deciding to say something, stopping and turning once he is near the door. Julian is just about awake, but with his eyes completely shut, drifting off slightly, until Dave says what it is that he needs to.

“Oh, just one last thing.” Julian opens one eye. “Stop with the self-destruction please? I know it’ll make you feel better—me as well at this moment in time if I’m honest. But for Noel’s sake, yeah? I personally wouldn’t mind finding you dead, but I don’t think Noel would take it too well.” Julian cracks a lop-sided, tired smile at that; returned by Dave, before he’s opening the door, and leaving Julian to his dreams.

“Noel!” Noel snaps his head up and sees Lliana speed up her walking once she’s caught his eye. He forces a smile as she stops in front of him, letting go of her suitcase handle to jump onto him. Noel stumbles slightly under her weight, her arms round his neck, and his still in the pockets of his jacket. He belatedly put his hands on her hips as she pulls back to smile at him, before leaning in to kiss him.

She leans into his body, using the hand behind his head to pull him in closer, by twisting her fingers into his hair. He keeps his hands where he put them, responding to the kiss with minimal enthusiasm, keeping it going so that she doesn’t question him. That way he won’t have to tell her here and risk her causing a scene.

You selfish wanker.

She pulls back, looking at him with such happiness. Her grin is enormous and so he attempts to match it, coming up with a small upturning at the corners of his mouth that doesn’t reach his eyes. If she notices, she doesn’t say anything. She gives him a quick peck on the lips before grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the taxi rank.

The taxi ride home is filled with mindless chatter from Lliana, informing him about her holiday, and how her family are doing blah blah blah. Noel wishes he could focus on one thing she’s saying, so that he can at least feign interest in whatever it is she’s talking about, but instead he sits staring out of the window; his mind wandering to Julian. /he thinks about what happened, and what he’s going to say to Lliana when they get home. His mind is left blank.

“Noel?” Lliana’s voice snaps him from his trance.

“What?” He replies guiltily, feeling slightly shitty about not listening to her. Considering that he’s gonna break her heart within the next couple of hours, it would only seem fair.

“More away with the fairies than usual are we?” She asks smiling, nothing unkind in it. Not even annoyed. You are such a prick for what you’re about to do.

“Mm.” He replies non-committal, returning to staring out of the window, watching the streets of North London rushing past his window. This is gonna be a tough one.

The instant they’re in the door, Lliana goes to the kitchen to switch the kettle on, leaving Noel to dump her bags by the front door. He swings it shut, before walking to the living room and dropping into the nearest seat.

Lliana comes back out, still full of energy, and Noel wonders when he got so old and boring. When Julian stopped giving a fuck? Shut up.

Watching as his energetic girlfriend takes her bags into the bedroom to unload, he realises that his subconscious is right. For his entire life when Julian was present, he had been full of energy and laughter. The light and soul of the party. His idea of a party used to consist of bleach cocktails and magic mushrooms. Now the party was more taken up with peppermint tea and a Jammy Dodger.

He gets up to follow her into the bedroom, where she’s walked off whilst still talking at Noel, figuring sooner rather than later would be better for this. He braces himself as he steps through the doorway.

This is something that needs to be done before she unpacks.