Couldn’t Care Less
Category: Real Person Fic
Characters: Julian Barratt, Noel Fielding, Other
Pairing: Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt
Genre: Character Study/Reflection
Length: 1-5k words
Notes: I loved that article so much, I didn’t really want to write a slash scene out of it… But this out-of-date chocolate is doing strange things to my head, so this is what you’ve got. Argh. This is what happens when you play saxophone for three hours. I’m in some sort of jazz trance. So I wrote fanfic based on the article posted by carmesim to give myself a break.
Because of the age difference, there’s a big brother thing going on. If anyone starts on me he really goes mad. He had to put up with me being quite ill for a year, which meant I couldn’t drink alcohol. We were on tour and another comedian got annoyed because I wouldn’t have a drink, so when he was on stage he slagged me off. Julian went mad. I thought he was going to hit someone. I like that about him. If anyone says anything about him when he’s not there, I find it really offensive. He’s quite protective; I think I’m the same.
Couldn’t Care Less by Kewen
“No, it’s not alright, you’ve got to stand up for yourself! I’ve got to do it for you now, I’m sick of this, you’ll let them walk all over you…” Julian stormed his way through the crowds of drunk twenty-something’s littering the streets of Brecon. The festival had been going well until that night, but with only a few more days of touring left everyone was becoming short tempered and irritable.
Julian was clearly upset, and it was all Noel could do to try and keep up with him.
“I don’t give a shit,” he replied, putting a hand on his friend’s shoulder, “why d’you have to?”
Julian kept walking, Noel trailing along behind him drawing looks from passers by for his skeleton shirt and matching gloves. The look was completed with white cowboy boots and complimenting belt, but enough about Noel’s clothes.
Julian kicked a tree mercilessly as they walked past it, before slumping against it and glaring at Noel. “Why don’t you care about anything?”
“Care about what? He had a go at me, it wasn’t even that funny, none of the crowd found it funny, he looked like an idiot anyway, so what’s your problem?”
“Because.” Julian caught sight of Noel’s incredulous expression and looked deliberately past his face. Noel hovered at eye-level until he gave in and caught his gaze. “Why’re you so carefree? All the bloody time.”
The outburst of annoyance from Julian had been too sudden for Noel to get his head round, but there was really no point in throwing a strop. Besides, he knew if they went back to the club now Julian would probably pummel Dom into a table, and that wasn’t something he wanted to witness.
“I do care about things.”
“Like what? The last time I saw you angry was three months ago, that huge Irish bloke who had a go at me.”
“Exactly, I care about you!”
“So if he’d insulted me on stage you’d be pissed off, yeah?”
“Yeah, I would.” Noel realised too late he’d dug himself into a nice, cosy little hole.
Julian put his hands in his pockets and Noel turned away from him, both of them looking out over the small town.
There was a long silence before Julian pulled Noel against him, sliding his arms round his shoulders after taking a quick look around to check no one else was in sight, making the younger man laugh and immediately ease the tension between them. He was the exhibitionist. Julian refused to so much as kiss him in a public place most of the time.
Noel relaxed into Julian’s chest and both of them stood in silence, the loud festivities still going on all around them, and yet somehow the hill was comfortably quiet.
Noel was beginning to get cold when he felt Julian’s lips press against his neck and his hands begin their usual wandering, gasping as icy fingers grazed against the warm flesh of his stomach before creeping teasingly downwards.
Before he got too far, Noel twisted round so he could reach Julian’s mouth, planting a kiss eagerly on his lips. The other man responded with a low moan and wound his hand into Noel’s thick hair, tilting his head back, wanting to taste as much of him as he could.
This was the only time Noel didn’t mind Julian messing up his hair: During sex. Julian couldn’t help it, anyway; once he was in the mood his hands went everywhere.
He was a very physical person.
They broke apart breathlessly and Noel grinned playfully at the other man, reaching between them to fumble with his jeans, but Julian gripped his friend’s waist with both hands and swung them round, slamming Noel roughly against the bark of the tree.
He was determined to have his fun, first.
He nipped Noel’s neck before falling to his knees and jerking his jeans down in one movement, making Noel draw in his breath as his genitals were exposed to the frosty welsh air. He felt Julian’s ragged breath on him and closed his eyes as he was teased leisurely with lips and tongue, unable to hold back a moan as he felt Julian take him into his mouth.
He worked his hands into Julian’s hair loosely, watching as he got to work vigorously. It was hard to see exactly what was happening in the dark, but the sounds and movements really wouldn’t leave much to the imagination if someone walked across the road now.
He felt himself nearing climax and squeezed his eyes tightly shut, instinctively thrusting his hips into Julian’s mouth as he came, crying out sharply but immediately hauling the other man up so he could kiss him thoroughly.
It didn’t take long to finish Julian, stroking him as they kissed, Noel feeling him groan into his mouth before he collapsed against him, both of them breathing heavily.
After a while Noel pulled up his trousers before helping Julian with his own. Julian could barely walk in a straight line after an orgasm, much to Noel’s constant amusement, and he slung his arm round his friend’s shoulders with a grin and a kiss, leading him back the way they’d come.
They were only half way back to the hotel when Noel was jerked into the shelter of a closed burger stall and pushed up against it.
Noel shrugged and let himself be ravished for the second time that evening.
It would just take them a little longer to get back.
If they got back at all.
And at that precise moment, with Julian’s hands fervently worming their way into his pants and his lips on his own, he couldn’t care less.