Category: The Mighty Boosh
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Challenge: Challenge 01: Wine
Length: 1-5k words
Notes: All that happens in ‘Bruised’ is, basically, Bainbridge kicks Howard in the balls, Howard knocks Bainbridge out, Howard is in lots of pain, Vince plays doctor.
Oh yeah, and italics = Vince’s thoughts.
Edit: So… I rewrote most of the ‘sex’ bit, and dragged it all out even more. I’m still all wrong…
Wine in a Mug by inigosolo
Vince was looking out of the window, with an unfamiliar expression of alarm on his face.
“What’s going on?” Howard asked from his position, still reclined on the couch.
“Uh. Trouble. Fossil’s coming this way. And he looks… Angry.”
“Dammit! What am I going to do?”
“I don’t know. You could head butt him? That was really cool, by the way…”
“Vince! Fossil’s going to kill me!”
“Alright, look, you’ll have to hide, get in the wardrobe…”
“He’s not going to fall for that again!”
“Howard, we’re talking about Fossil. You could stand there with your hands over your eyes and he wouldn’t find you.”
There was a very insistent bout of knocking on the door.
Howard dived for the wardrobe and hurriedly shut it after him, while Vince opened the door to reveal a furious looking Fossil.
“Where’s Moon? That freakish bitch knocked Bainbridge out! He only just came round. By the time I’ve finished with Moon, he’s gonna wish he’d never heard of wolverines!”
“Sorry Mr. Fossil, he’s not here. He must’ve gone home. He was pretty badly hurt. Bainbridge kicked him first, remember…”
“That’s besides the point, Vince! I’m gonna sack his pumpkin ass so bad…”
“You can’t sack Howard.” Vince said quickly.
“Sure I can, Vincey boy. I’m the manager of this zoo! And Bainbridge ain’t gonna be too happy with Moon either.”
“Yeah, but Howard’s probably the best keeper at the Zooniverse. He’s been here forever, and he knows all about the animals. What would you do without him to tell you the animals names? He always gets you out of trouble.”
“Yeah… But… That’s just… Well, I’m gonna hurt him anyway! He went home, you say? I’m gonna go and find him… Where did you say he lived?”
Vince shook his head. “I’m not going to tell you that, Mr. Fossil.”
“Well I’ll just have to find it myself, then! I’ll look in the book, what is it, the green pages…”
“Good luck.” Said Vince, and shut the door.
Still shaking his head, he let Howard out of the cupboard.
“He’ll never find it…”
“Thanks, for that…”
“What, for getting Fossil off your back? It wasn’t hard. I could’ve said ‘look, a pony!’ and he would have gone away.”
“Well, yeah, but, I mean… You said I was a good keeper.”
“I said you were the best keeper.”
Howard smiled. “Well, that, and you helped me out earlier on as well. With, you know…” he began to blush.
“That was nothing. I didn’t really help much, I was just worried…”
“Yeah, but you didn’t laugh at me. Which was good.”
“Why would I laugh at you? Trust me Howard, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.” Vince smiled reassuringly, and Howard looked away.
Vince went over to the kettle as Howard sat down again.
The zoo was closed now. They had nothing to do. They could just sit here and have a cup of…
Vince suddenly had a better idea.
He opened the cupboard under the sink and brought out something they had been saving for a while.
Actually, Howard had been saving it for a while.
Vince didn’t usually drink wine. Especially not red wine.
But tonight he could make an exception.
Howard had had a bad day, after all.
He pored the wine out into mugs, which had the advantage of not being see-through, and he gave Howard considerably more wine than he gave himself.
Because he likes it, and I don’t…
He turned to take the wine over to the couch, and just looked at Howard for a moment. He had on his usual expression of mild dejection, and his hair was messier than usual. There was still a damp patch on his lap where the ice-pack had been resting.
Vince took a deep breath.
“Here you go, get this down you.”
He handed Howard his wine, and slumped down onto the couch next to him.
Not even a comment about saving this wine for a special occasion? He must be deep in thought.
He watched as Howard took a long swig, as if the mug had luke-warm tea in it, and was glad he’d brought the bottle over with him.
“Vince… When you said I had nothing to be embarrassed about…”
Vince blinked. He hadn’t been expecting that to come up again.
“I meant, er, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, nothing out of the ordinary, you know, down there… Er, trust me on that one.” He said hurriedly, his face heating up.
He should have known that Howard’s paranoia wouldn’t let go of that one.
I was only trying to pay you a compliment, you idiot…
“Oh.” The older man replied, looking at his knees.
Howard took another swig, and Vince took a sip of his own drink, wincing slightly at the taste.
He noticed that Howard’s lips were already stained deep red from the wine. He stared at them for a long moment, then laughed softly.
“You look like you’re wearing lipstick. It suits you.”
Howard frowned, and got up to peer into the mirror, draining the rest of his mug on the way.
Vince took the opportunity to quietly scoot over, so he was more in the middle of the couch, and when Howard sat down again their thighs pressed pleasingly up against each other.
Vince concentrated furiously on his mug, and took another sip, as Howard refilled his own mug, right to the brim.
Vince smiled to himself.
So far so good.
Ostensibly, he moved to sit back a little further, but he wiggled sideways ever so slightly as well, unable to resist getting even closer to Howard, encouraged by the way that Howard wasn’t trying to move away.
What with the contact, and the memory of slowly pulling down Howard’s underpants on a continuous loop in his mind, Vince didn’t think he’d be able to stand up for some time.
“So, how is your, er, injury?” He asked boldly.
“Better. Mostly.” Howard replied in a gruff voice, running a hand absently through his hair.
“Mostly? Can’t have that. Anything I can do?”
Howard scowled at him. “What, you mean like a cup of tea? No, I’m fine with the wine, thanks.”
Vince gulped down the rest of his drink. If anything interesting was going to happen here, he was going to need a bit more Dutch courage.
“And then, you just, just sort of leaned back, and then came right forward and twatted him. You could hear the crack! Oh, it was beautiful…”
“You know, I was there, Vince.”
“Well, yeah, but it was just amazing… You have got to teach me how to nut someone like that!”
“Well, maybe another time, little man.” Howard said, shaking his head.
They’d finished the first bottle of wine, and were well into their second.
Vince had gradually started pouring himself and Howard equal measures, forgetting about the taste as he became tipsy.
“What you thinking about?”
“No, go on, tell me!”
Howard frowned and hesitated for a moment. “Alright. I was thinking you’ve been pretty nice to me today.”
“I’m always nice to you, Howard.”
Howard simply rolled his eyes in response.
Vince was now so close to Howard that if he got any closer, he’d be in his lap.
He was working up to it.
Their hips kept grinding against each other as they shifted their positions on the sofa.
Vince was shifting quite a lot now.
And Howard hadn’t complained yet…
Vince decided to push his luck.
“How’s the patient?” He glanced pointedly at Howard’s crotch unable to stifle a quick laugh at his own words.
Howard cleared his throat for a ridiculously long time. “Uh, he – I mean it – feels a lot better now, thanks…”
Vince steeled himself.
“Oh good… Are you sure you wouldn’t like me to… um… take another quick look, I mean, just to be sure it’s all alright now, and everything…”
He took a deep, steadying breath.
Everything hinged on how Howard answered this question.
Because Howard would surely know it was a ploy. A rather obvious ploy.
He imagined that he could hear Howard’s heart beating in his throat as he waited for a response.
He didn’t dare look at Howard.
When, at length, he replied, Howard’s voice came out about an octave higher than usual.
“I, uh, I… Well, it might be a good idea, little man… You know, just to be sure that it’s recovered alright. It was pretty sore earlier…”
“Yeah, I mean, just as a precaution…”
Howard looked at him, his face a picture of terror and confusion, and they both just sat there in silence for a moment.
Then Vince stood up shakily.
“Yeah…” said Howard, and got up.
Oh god, he agreed… I can’t believe he agreed…
He must be drunker than I thought…
Vince’s hands were shaking as he knelt down in front of Howard, for the second time that day. They shook so badly it took him a full minute to undo the top button.
Howard was completely still. Only his deep, ragged breathing gave away his nerves.
The zip was down now…
This time, Vince pushed Howard’s trousers all the way down to the floor, his eyes travelling hungrily up and down his legs.
His hands were resting on Howard’s hips…
Now they were pulling down on the underpants…
Until the underpants too were around his ankles.
Vince’s face was hot, and his throat was dry.
He risked a look up at Howard’s face. The older man’s eyes were closed, but as he felt Vince’s gaze, he blinked down at him, with hugely dilated pupils.
Because of me…
He turned his attention to Howard’s now painfully obvious erection.
That was because of him too.
It was good to know that.
Howard gasped out loud, and squirmed where he stood, as Vince’s hands reached behind him to clasp his buttocks.
Vince pressed a fleeting kiss on the line of hair that ran down from Howard’s belly button.
Then he ran his fingers lightly over Howard’s straining dick to his bruised balls, cupping them, stroking them, before dropping his hands to his own lap and saying wickedly;
“Well, it all seems to be in working order. No problems down here. Perfectly healthy.”
He made as if to get up.
But Howard’s large, strong hand was on his head, holding him down.
“Vince…” He growled, warningly.
Vince’s loins were set alight by Howard’s authoritative tone, his own erection growing by the second.
He kissed the head of Howard’s dick gently, then slid his mouth down slowly, keeping his teeth back.
Howard’s whole body seemed to tense even more – he was so primed it was almost over before it began.
They both were.
But Vince couldn’t seem to take Howard in far enough… Not without his stupid teeth getting in the way…
He kept his mouth resting halfway down, where it didn’t feel too uncomfortable for him, and swirled his tongue around the hardened flesh.
Howard was silent, but when Vince’s hands cupped his backside again he cried out a little.
So Vince kept his hands there, and continued to work with his mouth for a while…
Vince’s stomach clenched violently at the thought. He was dangerously close to the edge now, the pent-up longings of earlier rushing back in on him all at once, making his head swim and his balls ache.
But what about Howard?
It’s no good. He’s not going to come this way…
Not soon enough for my liking, anyway…
He pulled back, with some added suction, and Howard gasped again.
Vince looked up questioningly.
“Like this?” He asked, curving his fingers around Howard’s dick firmly.
Howard looked down, all flushed and dishevelled, and nodded.
Vince undid his own flies quicker than he’d ever done in his life and reached tenderly inside.
One hand for Howard, one hand for him, pumping, beating…
Howard cried out again.
He’s getting closer.
But not quite as close as him.
Vince spilled into his own hand suddenly, with shuddering moans, and the hand stroking Howard’s aching hardness paused briefly.
Recovering as quickly as he could, he wiped his trembling hand on Howard’s buttock, clasping it firmly to steady himself, as his other hand resumed it’s previous action.
He pre-emptively moved his face out of the way, and as Howard writhed in his grasp,
Vince peered slyly up at his friend, wanting to see what he looked like in the moment of release.
“Howard…” He said, low and quiet.
The face that was at first scrunched up, contorted with pleasure and pain, suddenly relaxed, and Vince felt yet more wetness pumping out into his hand, as Howard gave his loudest cry yet.
They stayed frozen in the aftermath for a while, panting.
Eventually, Vince got up to wash his hands, and Howard slowly pulled up his trousers.
They both made it back to the sofa and sat in dazed silence for some time.
Naturally, Vince found his voice first.
“So, yeah, I’d say you’re fully recovered. More wine?”