Howard refused to get into the party spirit, until Vince gives him some wine.


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Length: words

Notes: That’s right, I said toast, and it’s a big pile of rubbish but _phoon_ made me post it.

Toast by cailenbraern

“No Vince, none for me.”

“What? Oh come on, it’s a party!”

“A party? There’s only you and me!”

“Leroy’ll be here in a bit!”

“Will he really? Like he turned up for my birthday dinner?”

“Something…came up.”

“No, nothing came up. He doesn’t like me.”

“He does like you!”

“Whatever, ok? He’s not coming.”

“Fine! Can’t you just enjoy yourself for once?”

“Enjoy myself? What have I got to celebrate? The fact that I’ve been stuck in this hell hole for ten years?”

“What do you mean, hell hole?”

“No one appreciates me here, nobody recognises me, respects me, takes any notice of me…”

“Have a drink.”


“Have a drink! Go on!”

“Haven’t you got anything other than wine?”

“I’ve got…lime milkshake.”

“Haven’t you got any beer? What kind of part is this, when you bring wine?”

“Look, I nicked it from Fossil, alright? It was all he had!”

Vince passes the bottle over to Howard. He takes a long swig, making a face as he swallows.

“That is just awful! It’s like Gary Numan and Britney Spears blended together in a drink.”

“I didn’t think it was bad!”

“Well, you wouldn’t, would you? It’s like a roller disco of china dolls with you!”


“I…I don’t actually know what I meant by that.”

Howard takes another swig.

“I thought you hated it?”

“Hm? It’s…growing on me, like a rash.”

“And then he said, ‘you call tha jazz? I know a goldfish that plays better than that!’”

Howard collapsed over the arm of the sofa laughing hysterically. The near empty bottle was clutched tightly in his hand as he swung it around like a hammer.

“A goldfish! They’ve got no fingers!”

Vince pretends to laugh along.

“Ah, that’s really funny.”

“What were we celebrating again?”

“Your ten successful years here.”

“That’s so boring!”


“That’s no reason to celebrate! Let me propose a toast.”

Howard tries to stand up, pushing against the sofa. Managing to pull himself to his feet, he teeters forwards. Vince leans towards him to grab him back. Howard sprawls back and ends up lying on Vince. He giggles maniacally.

Vince regards him with a curious amazement. He had lost count of how many times he had got pissed and ended up drunkenly calling Howard to pick him up from Corby or the Isle of Man or wherever he had ended up. This man who was always there to pick him up, and save him from further embarrassment was now sprawled on top of him, laughing like a hyena on laughing gas. He’d seen Howard knock back at least 6 beers and be absolutely fine. Wine is a different thing altogether.

“A toast! To Vince Star, Roll and Rock Noir!”

“I think we should get you to bed!”

“Wait! Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait! Wait…’aven’t finished yet, pretty lady! Vince…Vince…Vince…Vince…”


“Yoosha! Shoodja…. You’re my friend, Vince!”

“I know that, you idiot!”

“My best friend!”

“You’re my best friend too.”

“Even though…sometimes you’re a get. A git!”


“Prancing around with your stupid hair and your stupid hair and your clothes.”

“Come on you! Bed, now!”

Vince tries to move Howard off of him, but Howard slaps his hands away after missing the first 27 times.

“Even though you’re a git, you’ve been the best friend I’ve ever…what’s that?”

“What’s what?”

“There’s a bluebottle in ‘ere.”

Howard swipes uselessly at nothing.

“Let’s get back to the part where I’m the best ever friend.”

“Not the best ever friend, my best ever friend!”

“What’s the difference?”

“I’ve never had a friend. Nobody likes me.”

“They just don’t understand you.”

“You understand me, don’t you Vincey?”

“I thought I did. Then you got drunk.”

“I’m not think!”


“What what?”

“You said you’re not think!”

“I said drunk.”

“You’re cute when you’re drunk.”

Vince leans down and kisses Howard on his forehead.

“Did you just kiss my head?”


“Good, I thought I was imagining it again.”


“Yeah. I always imagine that when I’m scared, right? You kiss me and everything fades away and I don’t feel scared anymore.”

Vince leans down and kisses his head again.

“Do you feel scared now?”

“No, that’s nice…”

Vince kisses his nose.

“And now?”


Vince hesitated above Howard’s lips, wondering what Howard would be like in the morning. He knew it was wrong to take advantage when he was drunk, but here was the chance he has been waiting for. Who knows? Howard might not even remember anything when he woke up.

Vince’s mind was made up for him as Howard tilted his head up, pressing his lips to Vince’s and drinking in him as if he were wine.

Vince’s head swam as he tasted the wine on Howard’s tongue and as the sensations of the kiss intoxicated him more than any amount of alcohol ever could. He broke away grudgingly for air and took a deep breath. Howard’s head returned to its position on Vince’s chest and in a few moments, he was snoring contentedly. Vince smiled and kissed the top of Howard’s head once more, before wrapping his arms around his sleeping friend.