Second Best

okayy. Vince's POV. Set after series 3. angst and lots of it. although chapter 1 is like a contents list-y thing. you'll see why when you read the others. COMPLETED! and, GOD, won't I miss it! xxx


Characters: ,


Genre: ,




Length: words

Second Best by nicki_baybee


Author’s Notes: Disclaimer: If I owned this, then I’d be famous instead of a bored teenager. If only, If only, If only. But I’m am not Julian or Noel so… there you go

Karma, a bitch

Fashion, a life-line

Make-up, a god-send

Hairspray, a necessity

Music, almost as important as him

Love, a joke

Life, a game


A/N – PLEASE REVIEW!! flames welcomed (not as much as praise though) and do you want to see this continued or should i abandon it. But if you say i should abandon it – HELL – i’m not gonna.


Author’s Notes: Disclaimer: Julian Barratt owns all things Boosh, including Noel. Just Kidding. They share the Genius thing that is The Mighty Boosh.

Chapter One

“Karma, a bitch”

It’s true what they say y’know. What goes around comes back and hits you three times harder. Okay, the true saying is what goes around comes around, but I think mine’s true-er don’t you? So you should only do something bad if it’s worth the re-bound. If only I’d thought that sooner. All the mean things I’ve done to Howard. The boxing thing, monkey hell, ditching him for the electro girls, leaving him in the forest, making him work in chains and a loincloth, Old Gregg, leaving him on his own with Eleanor, breaking his record, ditching him for a shiny cape, giving him his first kiss in a completely un-romantic way, just so the head shamen wouldn’t kill me. What Howard didn’t know was when I said “I’m in love with Howard!” it wasn’t that far from the truth. I broke his heart (but it was healed by that jazz girl who looked like Diva Zappa). And now he’s broke mine. And he knows it. And he’s not sorry.

End Notes: A/N – Click the little button, just there.


Author’s Notes: Disclaimer: You know it’s not mine

A/N – Dedicated to everyone who put this story/me on Alert or favourited it/me. And I’m saying this now cos of the emotional-ness at the end. PLEASE REVIEW!! It is, after all, the third chapter in one day!

Chapter Two

“Fashion, a life-line”

Red Jeans?


Joan Jets Jumpsuit?


Funky Inuit?


Feather Boa?


Forget it.

Okay, I know I’m shallow. I know I spend more time thinking about clothes than doing anything else. Apart from thinking about him. He sees me as a friend. Well, he did. I know I try too hard to impress him. I know he’ll never notice me. He made that perfectly clear last night.


Author’s Notes: Disclaimer: Do I need to tell you? OKAY!! It Ain’t Mine!

Concealer, for the bags under my eyes from last nights drinking.

3 minutes.

Pale foundation, for the mod who couldn’t live with a tan.

5 minutes.

Hint of blusher, I need to spread it out so it’s absolutely perfect.

7 minutes.

Eye-shadow, a perfect colour to match the outfit, or, failing that, a lovely silver.

9 minutes.

Either glittery or black liquid eyeliner for my eyelid, takes ages to apply perfectly.

15 minutes.

Eyeliner to go underneath my eye, black, pencil.

11 minutes.

Lip-gloss, clear, shimmery.

6 minutes.

Lip-liner, pale red, the same colour as my lips, just to plump them out, not to look like a Barbie doll.

4 minutes.

An hour of my time wasted.

Just in the hope.

Hopes that were shattered last night.


Author’s Notes: Disclaimer: Do I have to put another one?? Okay. Boosh belongs to the sex god that is Noel Fielding and the other sex god that is Julian Barratt.

Chapter Four

“Hairspray, a necessity”

Root Booster…

Goth Juice…

Electro Girl…

The list goes on and on with me. I think I’ve got about… ermmmm… ninety(?) cans on my bathroom shelf. Unlike Howard. He’s only got a comb, a moustache comb and this weird kind of razor thing to trim your facial hair. He couldn’t just have a normal razor and get rid of his moustache, could he? But, in hindsight, I don’t want him to. He’s perfect as he is. It’s a necessity for Howard to have that moustache, it’s like me and my hair. It’s an absolute necessity in my life. Hairspray. I’ve even got some in my pocket so I’ll look good.


Author’s Notes: Disclaimer: ARGH!! Not mine! Damn fanfiction. Apparently they delete your account if you don’t put a disclaimer. It’s really getting on my nerves now!

Chapter Five

“Music, almost as important as him”

Okay, so in my CD collection I’ve got…hmm.

Kings Of Leon,

Robots In Disguise (Come on, they’re hot! Specially Dee),

(a million) Gary Numan ones.

Some Punk.

Some Mod.

Some Electro.

Some Goth.

Some Emo.

And one single solitary jazz record that Howard doesn’t know I’ve got.

I’ve left all that at home. I’m not gonna need it.

ooh, things are hoting up. will i complete it? willi i, won’t i, will i won’t i? i will. but will i? i will. but will i complete it? i will complete it


Author’s Notes: A/N – Okay, I’ve kept you waiting long enough. It’s the moment of truth!!

Disclaimer: ARGH! If it was mine, I wouldn’t be on the site.

Chapter Six

“Love, a joke”

I’m sat here just reminiscing about everything important to me and I haven’t even thought about love. That’s ‘cause it’s pointless. Worthless.

I didn’t even think I could love. I never realised WHEN I fell in love with Howard. WHAT made me fall in love with Howard. It just happened. I didn’t mean it to. HONESTLY I didn’t. I dunno. Maybe I’ve always been in love with him. My heart stills when I think about what he said to me.

Just last night.

We had been sat watching TV together all night. I was snuggled up against him, completely ignoring his phobia of being touched.

Then, out of no-where, I leaned up and kissed his jaw.

He lept up, like he’d been burnt.

“What the fuck was that?” he’d yelled.

“It was a kiss. God, Howard, I’ve shoved my tongue down your throat before and you freak at that?”

“That was different, that was to stop you from dying.”



“Well I love you!”

“You… What?”

“I love you Howard. I think I always have.”

He had this awful leer on his face then.

“I knew it. You go around shmoozing with all these girls. Hiding it.”

“Hiding what?”

“The little faggot inside you.”

“I’m not gay!”

“Then what are you?”

“You KNOW I’m bisexual. My brain told you so!”

“Yeah, well I didn’t mind as long as you never tried to get me involved in any kinky threeways. I’m a one-woman guy, Vince. WOMAN!”

“I might as well be a woman.”

“But you’re not. You’re a fag.”

My heart ripped in two at that moment.

“Just go, Vince. You’d save us all a lot of grief if you weren’t around. Just, I dunno, go take a running jump.”

Those were the last words he said to me, before I grabbed my coat, shoes and ran here.


Author’s Notes: Disclaimer: not mine…

A/N – I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hurt me.

Chapter Seven

“Life, a game”

“Just go, Vince. You’d save us all a lot of grief if you weren’t around. Just, I dunno, go take a running jump.”

Those were the last words he said to me, before I grabbed my coat, shoes and ran here.

Here. I don’t know where here is. Swinging my legs over the side of a rooftop. Looking down at London city below me. Preparing myself. Wondering if I should go back to him or not. He didn’t seem to be forgiving in any way, shape or form when I left.

I know he won’t forgive me if I went back to him.

By doing this, I’ll be saving him.

I’ll be saving myself too.

From a lifetime of heartbreak.

Everyone always said that when Vince Noir clicked his fingers, Howard Moon came running.

In reality. It’s the other way round.

When Howard Moon says “Jump,” Vince Noir jumps.

So that’s what I’m doing now.

Taking a running jump.

I’ve written this all down on a piece of paper for you, Howard. Live your life without me. But never forget me. I love you too much..

Goodbye, Howard. I love you.


Second Best

Author’s Notes: A/N – Even though he’s dead, this is still from Vince’s POV. And I was crying when I wrote this.

Disclaimer: Anything that you recognise, isn’t mine. Song is Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance

Chapter Eight

“Second Best”

I’m here now. An astral world. A spiritual plain.

I watched Howard fight his way to the top of the building.

I watched Howard read my note.

I watched Howard break down in tears.

I watched my funeral.

I watched the reading of my will, my final testimonies.

I watch everything up here. You can see everything.

Any time, any place, any person.

But I kept a close watch on Howard.

I watched Howard go to the same place I did.

Exactly a year on.

Exactly the same time.

I watched Howard write his note and knew what he was going to do.

I knew I could become a vision to him.

An angel.

I knew what I had to do. I searched for the transporter. I got there. And I arrived on earth just in time.

I floated down in front of Howard. All white robes and golden wings. He didn’t notice me until I spoke.

“Don’t do it.”


“Don’t do it Howie.”

“There’s nothing left for me if you’re dead.”

“It’s been a year.”

“A year of hell.”

“I’m sorry, Howard.”

“What’ve you got to be sorry for. You only did what you did because of me.”

“I was screwed up. No-one does that because someone tells them to. Especially not when you’ve been turned down. When you’re turned down, you get on with your life, show ‘em you ain’t bothered. I did what I did because I was ill.”

“I don’t want to be here on my own”


“Yeah, Vince?”

“Do you love me?”


“Do you love me?”


“Then I want you to do something for me.”


“I want you to keep on living. Walk the world alone and don’t be afraid. Tell anyone who hurts you that nothing could stop you coming home.”

“Okay, Vince. But in that case, I want you to tell me something.”


“What’s it like, up there?”

“It’s like life itself. But you can’t die until someone comes a-knocking on your door. A superior. They tell you it’s time you were born again. But they only do that if you haven’t got anything worth hanging around for.”



“Will you do something for me?”

“Of course!”

“Wait for me. Meet me when I die. Love me when I die.”

“You know I will, Howie.”

For the first time in my life. I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel Second Best.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
Honey if you stay, I’ll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say could stop me going home!

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