Category: The Mighty Boosh
Pairing: Howard Moon/Old Gregg
Challenge: Challenge 02: Secondary Characters
Length: 1-5k words
Notes: Darn. Unfortunately, life got a bit in the way, so we couldn’t finish the entire thing in time. So, here be part 1, for the second challenge.
Love Games by phoon
Vince bounded up the stairs, box clutched to his chest. He glanced back as he heard the door close.
“Come on Howard!” With a grin, he carefully placed the box carefully on top of the tv.
Howard trudged upstairs after him, yawning widely, before tripping over the long white tassels dangling from his arms. He flailed briefly.
“This is amazing, Howard!” Vince grinned, still stood in front of the tv, and quickly struck a pose. “Bringing back the Funk!”
“That’s right, little man.” Howard unsteadily made his way over the couch and slumped back on it. He stifled a yawn, his hand automatically moving up to cover his mouth, and got smacked in the face by a tassel.
“We’re gonna be famous.” Vince casually shrugged off his jacket, throwing it onto the back of the couch. “I mean, really famous. We’ll be on Pie-face showcase!”
“I think we need a bit more than the Funk, Vince.” Howard slipped his sunglasses off and folded them, placing them on top of Vince’s jacket, followed by the hat.
Vince frowned, pouting slightly. “What? What do you mean?”
Shaking his head, Howard sighed softly. “We’ve already had funk, Vince! Funk has been and gone!”
“You think we can’t do funk?”
“All I’m saying is, we need to modernise it a bit! Bring in some extra beats, liven it up a bit, yeah?”
He smiled as he watched realisation dawn on Vince’s face.
“Yeah! Wow, Howard can you imagine it?” Vince slumped down onto the couch next to Howard, grinning up at him. “I mean, with the Funk, we can be musical pioneers!”
“Exactly! Now, I’ve got a couple of ideas about…”
“Oh no, not jazz.” Vince dropped his head into his hand, groaning quietly. “We cant have jazz Howard. Jazz Funk already exists.”
“I know, I know, but with the Funk , we can make it better, yeah?”
“No, Howard. I’m not havin’ that.” Vince shook his head emphatically. “Nuh uh. You know what we need? Electro Funk!”
“No, Vince, not electro.”
“Yeah! We can sample Gary Numan!” He looked thoughtful for a moment, whilst simultaneously bouncing slightly in his seat.
“No! Not Gary Numan!” Howard stood, casting a disgusted look back down at Vince.
“Gary’s a shiny boy!” Howard ignored Vince’s protest, tugging his jacket off and getting the pvc stuck on his arm. “Well, never mind all that. Cup of tea?” He heard Vince stand and wander into the kitchen, and finally, he managed to get the jacket off.
“Right… shirt.” He glanced around the room. “Hey, Vince? Where’s Naboo and Bollo?”
“Hm?” Vince glanced up, three teabags in one hand. “Oh, they’re getting the submarine from the car.”
“Oh. Right.” He wandered over to the coat rack, and he heard the door open at the bottom of the stairs. “They’re here now.” He called out to Vince, finally finding his blue jacket and pulling it free.
“Uh, guys?” Naboo’s voice drifted up to the apartment. “We may have a small problem.” Howard frowned, leaning forward slightly and glancing down the stairs.
“Oh no…” He muttered, as he caught sight of the three figures below.
“I’m Old Gregg!”
“Oh no.” He groaned again, “No. No. No…”
“What?” Vince looked down, mildly amused by the sight of a green man in a wedding dress. “Hey…um…Gregg is it? Do you want a cup of tea? Howard? Gerroff me…” Vince shoved the now flailing Howard out of the way and beckoned Gregg up the stairs.
Gregg accepted his invitation rather excitedly, falling over his dress three times on the way up the stairs. When he finally reached the top, Vince took him into the kitchen saying something about how his dress was an interesting fashion statement and did he mind if he stole the idea for his next gig. Electro wedding.
When Gregg was safely being baffled by Vince, Howard emerged from behind the sofa and grabbed Naboo.
“How did he manage to get here?” Naboo shrugged,
“Dunno. We think he may have strapped himself to the top of the van.”
“Strapped himself!? With what?” Naboo shrugged again. “We’ve got to get rid of him Naboo. Shaman him out of here or something…come on…do it now…”
“Why? There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s really quite nice once you get to know him.”
“Quite nice?! QUITE NICE!??” Howard exploded, “The man…fish…tried to keep me in an underwater cave and make me marry him. Marry him!! He’s crazy Naboo.”
“I know.” Naboo smiled, “Who’d want to marry you.” With that he wondered off, Bollo sniggering behind him. Howard collapsed on the couch wondering how this could get any worse when Vince bounded over to him shouting,
“Hey…Gregg knows how to play bass…I’ve asked him to join the band!”
Howard didnt get a moments peace the following week, wherever he went Gregg followed him. Especially to the bathroom. Which freaked Howard out the most. It was now midnight on Sunday and Howard hadn’t been to the toilet in two days. He was huddled in his bedroom, the door barricaded with various items, including his precious keyboard. His unshaven face itched, and he really really needed a wee.
‘Maybe, just maybe…’ He thought to himself, ‘He wont be out there now…maybe he’s asleep…is it worth it…? is it…?’
Stupid question really, his bladder felt like it was about to explode. He carefully removed all of the junk from his door and crept out.
Coast clear. Bathroom in sight. Good. Quick…run…
And he’d made it. So desperate he was that he didn’t even have time to flick the light switch on. He pulled the toilet seat up and began, when all of a sudden…
“I can make you happy Howard.”
Howard shuffled further down into the couch, embarrassment making his cheeks burn. Old Gregg sat beside him, gazing adoringly up at him. Slowly, one webbed hand slid across Howard’s knee.
“Don’t feel embarrassed, Howard.”
Daring to glance sideways, Howard saw Gregg smile shyly at him, the hand on his knee squeezing a little.
“You…” He stopped, biting his lip to stop himself yelling. “You sneaked up on me. In the toilet.”
“I love you Howard. I won’t leave you.”
Howard rolled his eyes, wrapping his arms tighter round himself.
“You love me, do you?” He saw Gregg nodding wildly from the edge of his vision. “Well, I don’t love you! Look at what you made me do! I had to clean it up!”
Old Gregg did look remorseful, even if it was only a moment.
“I’m sorry Howard. I would’ve. If you’d told me.”
Howard sighed, glaring into the kitchen and away from Old Gregg. He supposed there was some part of him that… Didn’t mind Old Gregg. Not really. He was just so pathetic. And needy. Whenever he said that he didn’t love Old Gregg, then there would be an strange moment where he’d feel like he’d kicked a puppy.
Of course, that was usually just before Old Gregg would threaten him in some way. He didn’t want to know what Gregg was capable of with a whisk…
“Howard?” Ignoring the hand on his knee hadn’t made it go away, and Howard was rather embarrassed by the squeak he emitted when that hand slid further his thigh.
“Just… Just stop it!” He stood up, forcing Gregg’s hand away roughly. “I’m not in love with you! I only told you I was to get out of that cave! I’ll never love you!”
Old Gregg watched him for a moment. Then smiled shyly.
“Are you playing those… love games, Howard?”
Howard gaped at him for a moment.
“No! No love games!”
“You are, Howard. You do love me.” Old Gregg stood, surprisingly elegant. Howard realised he’d recovered his tutu from… somewhere. Though it could have been Vince’s.
“No!” He backed away slightly, looking for any chance of making it back to his bedroom. Damn, Gregg was blocking the only clear route. “look, Gregg…”
“I’m Old Gregg!”
“I know… I know you are. Look…” He glanced around desperately, realising he was being backed into a corner. “But…Gregg…can’t we just, you know, be friends for a while…” He realised he was clutching at straws now, but anything to make Gregg move away-he didnt have the nicest breath in the world,
“Friends?” Gregg muttered to himself,
“Yeah…you know, Friends…see how it goes, maybe it could turn into something more…maybe…” Gregg smiled and backed off,
“Friends.” He said louder, and then bounded out of the room singing “I can make you happy Howard.”
After a month Howard finally grabbed Vince, pulled him to one side, shook him til his head wobbled and then demanded to know when Gregg was going home. Vince, once his head had stopped moving, looked at him confused.
“Why do you want him to go?”
“Because he’s a crazy, crazy man, Vince.”
“Look, he’s not that bad Howard. He’s really nice once you get to know him, and underneath all that green, he’s actually quite a striking looking man!” Howard balled his fists, afraid that he may do something rather violent to his best friend if he didnt.
“But he’s obsessed with me! Obsessed.”
“Well we all have problems Howard. He can’t help it.” Vince looked at his friend, he put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Look, would it help if I took him out, got him to meet someone else. Then he wouldn’t like you anymore.”
“Its not that easy Vince, once you’ve met me…well, its almost impossible to stop loving me. I’m Howard Moon. Loverman.”
“What?” Vince laughed,
“Nothing… I’ll find him someone else.”
“It won’t happen Vince. He’s too in love with me!”
“Job done. He’s got a boyfriend.”