Category: The Mighty Boosh
Challenge: Challenge 06: Boosh on Tour
Length: 1-5k words
Notes: Yes I know. I respond quickly. But I had started writing this five minutes before phoon told me what the challenge was going to be, and it fitted so well.
el amor es nunca libre by cailenbraern
“If there is one thing I have learned in this life, it is that love is never free.”
Rudi knew that he should be disgusted by the Spaniard currently grunting and snoring in his sleep, but for some unfathomable reason, it comforted him. Getting his door had matured Spider slightly, but he still based his life’s pleasures on women, alcohol and bongos.
Women. Spider had had a fair few of those, including Rudi’s own wife, but he didn’t care about that. Not anymore. It was the women Spider brought back to their hotel room every night that had him reaching for his guitar, seeking comfort. No matter how loud he played he could never drown out the moans and gasps of the 8 women next door. He couldn’t even strum himself to blessed relief.
When did he come to appreciate this beast? They did not get along. Their adventures in the desert had led them to this tour, currently playing in the Orkney Islands. Their numbers were poor. Already people were saying the Bongo Brothers were washed up, terminado. Their quest for the new sound had been in vain. You just couldn’t get the publicity these days.
Spider snorted and rolled over in his sleep. His dreadlocks splayed across his pillow. He certainly wasn’t attractive. How could women fall for him? How could Rudi fall for him? Even his wisdom and enlightenment bestowed upon him by the order of the psychedelic monks could not provide him with an answer.
And so they had found themselves in a pokey guesthouse on the coast. Where the bitter wind and the torrents of rain made Rudi long for his homeland. Spider spent all day complaining that there were no women around for miles, except the landlady, who smelt of pistachios.
Why does he stay? It seems that every minute of the day he is being shouted at by Spider for some reason or another. Why can he not play a solo? Why do they not release his single as a b-side? Why do they go to some remote islanda in the middle of en ningún lugar, where there are no chicas? Such questions made Rudi’s head spin. If Spider wishes to speak with no clarity, the least he could do was stick to one language.
Several times Rudi had offered Spider a way out, a better life without him. Every time Spider had sacrificed that chance of happiness, and stayed with him. Because they were Bongo Brothers. Rudi felt certain that brothers didn’t fantasise about being savaged by that bestia.
He could no longer concentrate on his music. Between the grunts and groans coming from Spider’s room, and his own jealousies and lust for Spider, he simply could not concentrate. That was his whole reason for going into the desert, and yet Spider had managed to follow him.
Maybe there was a small chance, despite his love for women, that Spider felt something for Rudi. Rudi would never find out, because he would never reveal his love to Spider. The strange, twisted, bizarre, tumultuous relationship that they had would be ruined forever.
There is one thing Rudi Van di Sarzio has learnt in his life, and that is that el amor es nunca libre.
An overwhelming urge to piss brought Spider Dijon out of his drunken stupor. He groaned as his eyes opened and caught the first beams of sunlight streaming through the window. The tequila slammers he had downed the night before in the pokey bar of the guesthouse had travelled up to his brain where they were dancing the conga.
Movement by the window caused him to reluctantly brave the evil sunbeams once more. Squinting, he could make out the silhouette of Rudi’s Afro, like a beachball in the night.
Rudi froze, daring not to turn around.
“What are you doin’ in my room, uh?”
“I… I went to the toilet, uh… I must have got confused, came into the wrong room.”
“You were sitting by the window.”
“I was not. I was merely, assessing the outside view, I thought perhaps you had wondered into my room.”
“Where are my women?”
“You don’t have any women, Spider.”
“Oh yeah. You brought us to this God forsaken shithole!”
“We go where our fans want us!”
“What fans, uh? Take a look around Rudi, there are no fans no more. Only glue sniffers and the local bingo clubs.”
“They are loyal to us.”
“They think we are the warm up for Daniel O’Donnell.”
“That is not of consequence. Get dressed and ready. We must travel now to the Lake District.”
“Ah, why do we bother? We are finished Rudi!”
“What are you saying?”
“I want out. I rang Carlos last night.”
Rudi at last turned round and fixed Spider with a gaze full of rage and outrage that he had never seen before. Not even when Rudi had walked in on him and his wife whilst they were ‘experimenting’ on rocking shire horses.
“You did what?”
Spider felt an unusual urge to vacate the room as fast as possible. Why did Rudi scare him? He was Spider Dijon, and no man intimidated him!
“I will not talk of this. I’m going for a piss.”
“Why didn’t you just go where you laid.”
“You think I am this animal!”
“Of course, that is what you are always saying to me! ‘I am Spider Dijon, I am an animal!”
“Maybe I am an animal, but at the same time I am a man. I do not lie in my own piss!”
“Let us go back to the part where you betrayed me and joined Carlos!”
“He has given me a second chance. I leave tonight. I will join him on stage and play maracas and sing backing vocals.”
“What about me?”
“What about you? You are always wallowing in your musical failures. Why can’t you get a girl, uh? That would be the answer to all your problems!”
“I do not want any girl!
“Well what do you want?” Spider yelled in frustration. Rudi bit back an answer and paced the room. “Always you are moaning at me, trying to change me into something else. I change for no man.”
Spider got out of bed, forgetting the fact that he was naked. As Rudi turned in his pacing Spider confronted him in all his glory. Never before had he seen Spider’s legendary gifts and he stared at them, unable to avert his gaze.
“Put those filthy breadsticks away.”
“What? Oh right.” Spider stalked around the room, looking for his tight leather pants that he had thrown last night on a drunken high. Rudi could not stop staring at him.
“Spider, I am sorry for trying to change you. You are my friend, and you mean more to me than you ever will to Carlos. Will you throw away our friendship for fame, fortune and fillies?”
“That is not what I want.”
“What do you mean by this? All the time you are telling me that you want women, tequila and money. This is all I have known from you, and you say this is not what you want?”
“I’ve never wanted it. All I’ve wanted is for you to lighten up a bit. If you had only joined me in a drink, or come out with me and had a good time you would not be this Rudi the prudy that you are.”
“That is not having a good time.”
“Oh yeah, why not, uh? Because it is fun?”
“No it is not. Watching you go off and sniff for women whilst leaving me alone in the corner is not fun.”
“When I go out with you, Rudi I do not talk to women, I talk to you! We are bongo brothers.”
“Is that why you are leaving and going to Carlos?”
“I do not want to, but we are going nowhere, Rudi, we are finished!”
“Are you talking about the band, or us?”
“Us? I am not talking about us. Our friendship will go on.”
“The music is all we have in common, Spider.”
“Are you saying you do not like me?”
“On the contrary, I like you too much?”
“Too much? What do you mean too much?”
“Never mind. Your trousers are hanging at the foot of your bed.”
“Forget the trousers! Talk to me, Rudi, eh? Do not skirt around the ironing board.”
“I can say no more. Our friendship is too precious for me to risk.
“I think maybe you fancy me. ‘uh?”
“Do not be so ridiculous.”
“Oh, yeah, you like me, don’t you Rudi?”
“I cannot talk to you until you put your trousers on.”
“Why not? I thought you’d enjoy the view, you know?”
“I am a member of the psychedelic monks. I don’t think of such filth.”
“Then why are you staring?”
“… Shut up!”
“If you want to make love to the Spider, speak now. It’s all the same to me. It doesn’t matter what sex you are, women are just prettier. If I want something, I take it, you know?”
“So why are you not ‘taking’?”
“Maybe I want Rudi Van Disarzio to get off his holy, spiritual bullshit and pounce!”
Rudi felt conflicted. This beast was offering himself up to him without argument, rendering all his dreams come true, but he was a psychedelic monk, and did not stoop to base pleasures. As Spider stood in front of him, hands on hips, Rudi saw his growing arousal, which in turn triggered his own, and all thoughts of moral high ground were lost. He sunk to his knees in front of Spider.
Which one should he start with?