This Is The New Shit
Category: Featured Fic, Real Person Fic
Characters: Julian Barratt, Noel Fielding
Pairing: Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt
Genre: PWP (porn without plot)
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Smut (graphic sex scenes)
Challenge: Challenge 01: Wine
Status: Complete
Length: 1-5k words
Julian sat at the table with his head in his hands.
That had to be the worst visit home on record.
First there had been the look on the faces of his family. Nothing he could put his finger on, just a strange coldness, a few too many awkward silences and the odd body language. It hadn’t made sense till he went down the pub with his old mates from Chapeltown.
Then the ribbing had started in earnest.
Some bastard had got hold of the weird stuff on the internet about him and Noel and it had apparently taken precisely one day to be passed round what seemed like everyone he knew. In fact, judging by the ‘backs against the wall lads,’ comments from total strangers in the gents, everyone he didn’t know as well…
The rampant bigotry back home was nothing new to him. With a name like Julian and a perchance for theatrics, you learn to fight or fold, and being true Yorkshire born and bred, folding wasn’t an option. He had come out of many a pub backwards, but he never backed down. The stuff wasn’t true. But that wasn’t the point
It had taken forever to get back, and he wished a million time that he had driven instead of getting the bloody train. The whole journey was spent looking fixedly out the window, trying desperately to hold down the paranoia. Not catch anyone’s eye, not acknowledge the existence of anyone who might know. He wished his beard was bigger.
He had phoned Noel before he got on the train. Had stumbled over the words as he tried to explain what had happened.
Had expected…
What? He didn’t know.
Sympathy…
Understanding…
Concern?
Something other that
‘Wow, bummer’
Followed by that stupid girly giggle.
And now the little shit didn’t even have the decency to be here when he needed him most.
It was after midnight when the key turned in the lock and Noel fell through the door cat calling at his idiot mates in the departing taxi. Julian didn’t lift his head from his hands but sat silently in the kitchen, waiting to be discovered.
He had a long wait.
Noel fell about the hall and Julian sat and listened to the sound of him dumping his coat and struggling out of his boots by the door. He then had to listen to a full five minuets of Noel chatting to the goldfish about how they had missed a brilliant night and how he would defiantly take them next time, and would make them little bondage suits out of liquorice, but they had to promise not to spend all night on the dance floor showing off their little fishy groove thang.
Finally,
Noel swaggered into the kitchen where Julian sat, the perfect picture of dejection.
‘Alright ‘
Julian glared at him as he walked straight to rack and started to open a bottle of wine.
‘Not really.’
‘Oh…We had a great time.’
He got a glass off the shelf and without offering Julian any, poured himself a large drink and started to talk.
And talk
And talk…
A long convoluted tale about the night’s proceedings. Who was there, what they wore, how amusing it all was. People and places that Julian just didn’t care about.
He looked up as Noel sat down and helped himself to a cigarette from the pack on the table. He only smoked when he was off his head on chemicals, something that annoyed Julian at the best of times. Speed was so juvenile, a real kiddie hit, Noel was old enough to know better. He was old enough to know better about a lot of things. Like how to treat a friend for a start.
He watched as Noel flung himself round in his chair, miming some bizarre activity that had taken place that evening. He didn’t hear the words anymore, just a constant hyper drone. He watched as the man he thought he knew, primped and pouted and waffled on, lost in his own narrative, and he found himself wondering how any one person could be so self absorbed and narcissistic.
‘I’m just another bloody audience aren’t I?’
The words didn’t come out of his mouth; there wasn’t a space for them in Noels stream of consciousness, but he thought them, and the thought made him burn.
Fuck it
‘I’m just another bloody audience aren’t I’?
He didn’t mean to shout it quite that loud.
He didn’t mean to knock over the chair and the wine bottle when he stood up
Well part of him did, he had a point to make. He was ‘sick of being everybody’s doormat’
He shouted that as well.
Noel looked stunned for a second, then jumped up and started to scream in his face.
Julian was treated to the full Diva.
Noel called him a fuckin’ weirdo and a mental case. He waved his arms around and did that weird thing were his voice breaks at all the wrong times. He ranted on about Julian being a moody twat who took up all of his time and how he, Noel, was so hard done by and that if anyone was a doormat it was him cos Julian was all take, take, take. And that he had a good mind to just fuck off and dissolve the partnership.
And the opportunity was too good to miss.
‘Just fuck off then. Go on, fuck off and die you selfish little prick.’
Noel didn’t miss a beat. He gave Julian a look of utter contempt, picked up the wineglass and threw the contents directly into his face.
There was silence for the length of a heartbeat, maybe four…
Julian pulled back, automatically bunching a fist, but managed to change his mind and momentum at the last minute, to bitch slap Noel so hard, that the younger man staggered to regain his balance.
The sound was surprisingly satisfying, as was the reaction.
As his hand involuntary reached up to hold his stinging cheek. Noel looked up and his eyes now said something completely different. For the first time in all their years together Julian saw a chink in his armour.
But the moment was short lived.
Noel launched himself over the table and grabbed two handfuls of Julian’s hair, dragging him forward and momentarily wrong footing him.
‘Bastard, he fights like a fucking girl.’
Girl or not, he reacted instinctively to the attack.
Stepping round the table, he grabbed Noel by the neck with one hand, and ran the lighter man backwards across the kitchen until he hit the wall with a satisfying thump. He gripped the throat just a little in an upward direction so that the Noel had to stand on his toes to avoid asphyxiation, and then moved in real close almost touching noses, deliberately intimidating,
He hissed in Noels face.
‘You ever do that again and I swear I will kill you.’
They stood there pressed tight together, glaring into each others eyes for a moment too long.
Julian panicked. He knew this was wrong. He was just having a bad day. All that stuff back home had got to him and he had no right to take it out on someone else. I t wasn’t Noels’ fault; he just seemed self obsessed because he’s speeding. Everybody’s up themselves on speed.
Guilt at his brutish actions welled up from the pit of his stomach and as his mind raced and his gaze faltered . Noel took the opportunity to spit in his face.
Julian could have cried.
Instead he lost it.
He shook Noel like a rag doll, grabbing him by the hair with his other hand and banging his head repeatedly against the wall.
‘Are you fucking stupid’. He yelled.
‘Do you want me to hurt you?’
‘Have you got a fucking death wish or what?’
It was only then, as he stopped to catch his breath, and he felt the groin of the other man pressed against his, that he noticed.
Noel was hard…
The rush was incredible.
And he realised too late that he was heading in the same direction with no way of going back.
He felt the flush run up from his groin through his chest and into his face, lingering around his throat before making his ears burn.
His hips jerked spasmodically in what, to any sensible bloke would be the wrong direction, and he caught his breath as the extra pressure outlined a rather neat fit. His eyes flicked down to the offending area and back up to Noels face.
It was too late.
Even though the whole thing had taken only a second, Noel had noticed, and Julian immediately saw the tiny turn of a smug grin and the hardening of his eyes.
He instinctively tighten his grip under Noels jaw in order to gain a little control, But Noel tilted his chin and looked straight at him, the smile still playing at the corner of his mouth, the eyes now openly mocking.
Julian floundered.
He was way, way, out of his depth now. This wasn’t how the game was played. He should have won. He was physically stronger, and smarter. This should have been the point where he won, and Noel was laughing at him, using weird things against him. He didn’t understand the rules anymore. But he should have won. His head buzzed, and he inwardly screamed against the visualisation of squeezing Noels throat until his fingers met.
He was being given no option.
He had to do it.
He could do it.
He could rip the little bastard’s throat out here and now.
The windpipe felt hard against the palm of his hand and he felt his fingers twitch to close behind it.
Noel twitched in response.
But in more than one place.
Julian’s attention was brought back to his groin, to his genuine and urgent hard on, and it was pressed against Noel’s, which by all accounts was in exactly the same condition.
It was too much. His chest swelled against his will, his mind flat lined and he pushed forward, crushing Noel against the wall with his whole body. When their faces met, there was nowhere else to go. He kissed Noel as hard as he possibly could.
Just to stop him looking.
Just to stop him saying anything.
Just to buy some thinking time.
But he had fallen into a place where time didn’t exist
Just the blood raging through his body and the terrible heat between them.
Part of him wondered what that was.
Then it dawned on him that he was being offered no resistance.
His hand was still tight, round Noel’s throat, and a tiny bit of sanity suggested that if he kept trying to push him through the wall like this he could cause some real damage. In fact maybe he already had.
That was it.
He was going to Hell…
He broke away and stepped back quickly, flushed and panicky, half expecting to see Noel’s lifeless body slump to the floor in front of him.
Where as, what he actually got, was Noel, taking a slow deep breath, and then immediately flashing the most evil grin he had ever seen on anything that wasn’t a cat.
The bastard was playing with him.
As he automatically raised his hand to remove the horrible grin, he was brought up short by the thought that in some weird way, this was what Noel wanted. That if he hit him, he would somehow compromise whatever advantage he may still have.
The burning was almost unbearable. The anger, the confusion, the total impotence, and then Julian cracked.
‘I didn’t realize that kind of thing did it for you… Monkey boy.’
Julian spat the words with as much venom as he could muster.
‘Yeah, well I’m off my tits,’ Noel sneered at him. ‘What’s your excuse?’
The contempt was back with a vengeance.
But the word ‘tits’ made Julian glance down at Noels chest. Why did he almost expect to see them there?
‘Great,’
Now he had a hard on and an image in his head of Noel with tits.
This distracted him for long enough, for it to be too late for him to come back with any kind of useful answer. He shook his head but the vision would not be dislodged. He had no idea what made him respond in that way, he just knew that he had a terrible awareness of every cell in Noels body, both real and imagined, and nuts that felt like they were in a vice.
He self consciously slipped his hand down the front of his pants and tried to relieve the pressure. But it was bloody persistent. He became aware, that he was being closely watched.
‘Look, just fuck of, right’
It was the best he could come up with in the time, not exactly witty, but it broke the awful silence and seemed to satisfy Noel, who pushed past him as if he wasn’t there, to quite calmly pick up one of the toppled chairs.
‘Suits me fine.’ Noel said as he moved over and started to clear the mess on the table
‘But do me a favour.’
He turned round and looked Julian up and down as if he was shit on his shoe.
‘You fuck off… It’s my house’
Noel turned back to his tidying, and started humming under his breath; it was as if Julian had suddenly ceased to exist.
But Julian watched him, hypnotized by the way his hips moved.
Fascinated by how slim his back was.
Terribly, terribly, aware of his own hardness still in his hand.
As Noel leaned forward in order to pick up, and right, the fallen wine bottle, Julian’s whole universe was filled with the way the fabric of his clothes, moved over the body underneath.
Fuck it
He was going to have him.
That was it. The friendship was over. They would never recover from this. Not that he’d want to anyway. He may as well get something out of it, and let’s face it; the bitch seemed up for it.
Julian stepped forward, flipping his own top button undone as he removed his hands from his jeans. He grabbed Noel’s arm and spun him round. Pleased at the uncertainty in his face. He grabbed a handful of Noel’s t shirt at the neck, and with concerted effort managed to rip the front right out of it. He looked down. No tits. Shame…
‘Oi.. you fuckin’ nutter, that cost me a fortune.’
Noels voice cracked halfway through the complaint, and Julian smiled, that’s what he wanted. Real emotion. Not this bullshit game playing…
‘Well at least I’ve finally found a way to get your attention.’
‘What?’
But Julian had already grabbed hold of him and was dragging him out of the kitchen by his hair.
This was strange new territory for Julian, and he was beginning to suspect that he wasn’t in Kansas any more.
But he never ran away from a challenge.
A cursory glance at the stairs, confirmed, that it would be too much trouble to drag a protesting Noel up there without cause for serious injury. Shame though, as he quite liked to idea of the drama.
He could of course have him here in the hall, but somehow it lacked a certain romance. It would have to be the sofa in the front room.
Noel was really struggling now. He had both hands in his own hair, trying to unpick the strong fingers wrapped therein, and although pulling in the opposite direction, he was trying to kick out as hard as he could.
‘No boots.’ Thought Julian. ‘He’s fucked without his boots.’
‘Well he will be…’
He smiled at the thought that Noels fanaticism about no shoes in the house was finally going to work against him. The lack of boots was going to make the removal of the pants much easier.
He yanked Noel off balance and ignoring the torrent of abuse this provoked, dragged him into the front room deposited him on the sofa and set about trying to strip him off.
But Noel really did fight like a girl.
He bit and scratched and pulled Julian’s hair and although the pain was wonderfully distracting, in the end Julian had to resume his grip on Noels throat in order to keep control. He pushed Noel into the cushions, and straddled his chest, pinning the arms down with his knees.
And waited for him to stop struggling.
He had to check.
For the first time since the kitchen, he looked down into the eyes of the young man beneath him, and any doubts he had, about what he was going to do next, were lost the moment he saw the hungry look on the face of his friend. The gaze that returned his was completely open, and although he knew it was probably the speed that was making his pupils that big, when Noel bit his bottom lip, Julian’s balls and chest tightened at the same time.
As his erection pressed with renewed vigour against the stretch of his jeans, he took his life in his hands and loosened his grip on Noels throat.
Noel didn’t move.
Slowly he backed down the length of Noels body and positioned himself; kneeling up between the legs that were already spread to make room for him
Oh fuck
This was really going to happen
Hell, He wanted it to happen…
He looked at the slender body stretched out before him, more slender than any girl’s. Different to anything he had ever been with before. This was virgin territory, and that thought alone, was enough to spur him on.
He reached out.
His heart was hammering in his chest and his head was spinning. He watched his own hands as they slipped up the slim hips in front of him and noticed that they shook slightly. Shit, his whole body was shaking now he came to think about it. He moved up, running his thumbs gently over the obvious bulge and grasped the waistband of the dreaded cords. They had lost their fastening in the previous struggle and all he had to do was slip them down. He gave them a tentative tug.
Noel lifted his hips slightly and Julian nearly came on the spot.
‘Shit.’
He screwed his eyes up and dragged his Consciousness back into his head.
‘Gotta keep a grip.’
Deep breath
‘Empty mind.’
Breathe slowly.
‘Distract.’
Breathe again.
Desperate to find something solid to fix on to
He opened his eyes and looked up.
Noel was still looking at him, but as they renewed eye contact he glanced down and lifted his hips a little higher. So Julian slipped the soft cloth further down and they both watched as Noels cock was slowly and beautifully exposed.
He just knew.
Noel was going to be completely compliant.
Julian dragged his eyes away and busied himself with the total removal of the rest of Noels lower garments. He removed his own t shirt, hitched his jeans down; shifted position and moved in for the classic missionary. He wasn’t exactly sure how all this was going to work.
Noel seemed to have gone into slow motion. He had taken himself in hand, and was now, breathing deeply and gazing at Julian intensely. But Right now Julian preferred not to make eye contact, and as if sensing this, No�l closed his eyes and let his head fall back, the perfect gesture of surrender.
As Noel arched his back, Julian made his move.
He took his weight on his hands, and bending forward, slowly licked that fantastic body from belly to throat.
He allowed his nipples to barely touch the skin below him, and felt the fine hair on his belly; brush against the other mans knuckles. The back arched higher, and Julian slowly slid his own shaft across Noels groin, and leant in from the hip.
He looked down.
Now that was different.
Noel moved his hand; fingers gently brushing the tip of Julian’s cock, as well as his own. Before slipping out from between them and back up round Julian’s waist. The legs came up to wrap around the back of his thighs, and he was pulled further into the embrace by gentle persistent pressure.
Julian tried desperately not to react to the shock of the contact. He took several deep breaths and stared hard at the fireplace, before resuming play.
Now they were pressed together tight, and as Noel ran the fingernails of one hand gently down Julian’s spine, he shivered violently, which was strange, because it was uncomfortably hot again.
He shifted his weight in order to get a hand to the situation, but Noel was already on it. Licking his own fingers and quickly pressing them to Julian’s lips, expecting…
If he was committing himself to the situation and was really going to see it through, he had better do it properly.
He spat on the proffered fingertips and watched as they were taken away, only to reappear as a distinctly damp feeling round the head of his penis.
Ok, here we go
Shuffling back slightly to accommodate the change of angle, he allowed himself to be guided to the point of contact.
He could do this.
He started a gentle slow grind as he leant forward and took a nipple in his mouth. Gently nipping at it. Keeping it playful.
Noel hooked one leg over the back of the sofa, and picking up the rhythm, slowly rose up to meet Julian’s downward pressure. There was not as much resistance as Julian expected and he slipped the entrance almost immediately.
He pulled back a bit to get used to the sensation, still keeping the grind going. Then broke the rhythm with one long slow push.
Noel gasped, arched up high and grabbed handfuls of sofa. Head back eyes tight shut.
Julian caught hold of his hips and leaned back into the second stroke, and as he cast his eye over the scene before him, caught sight of what could only be called, ‘a dick going spare.’
Now one of these, he knew what to do with.
He spat on his own fingers this time and reached down to add a little more lubrication to his shaft. Once he felt a better slippage, he pushed it to the hilt, and took a firm grip of the spare.
What he didn’t expect was for this to have an such a drastic effect on his own environment.
Noel immediately drew tight around him and went into spasm. Crying out and white knuckling the sofa cushions he threw himself back. He was going off in Julian’s hand. And he was taking Julian with him.
From inside he could feel exactly the point where it started. As the spasms rose through one body. The echoes caused a sympathetic effect in the other… he was dragged into orgasm by the unstoppable climax of the other man….
‘The other man…’
‘Noel…’
‘Oh God…’
He let it take him.
And as his ego exploded, and the universe rushed up to meet him,
Part of him hoped that this time, it would take him for good.
His awareness of reality came back some time later when he felt Noel start to wriggle away from him.
No.
He wrapped his arms more tightly around the slender waist and buried his face in Noels chest.
He was reassured by gentle fingers stroking his hair.
‘Get off me man, you weigh a ton…’
The voice was also gentle.
He stayed where he was, terrified of facing up to what he had done,
‘No seriously,’ Noel persisted, ‘I think you are doing my spleen in.’
He let him go. But Noel only wriggled back to the end of the sofa and sat there cross legged, grinning at Julian just the way he did when they came off stage together. Julian stared at him, disbelieving…
Noel ruffled his own hair with his hands and pulled a stupid face.
‘Alright…Wow… Business Barratt strikes again.’ he cracked another grin.
Ok, this was really weird…
Julian tried to return the grin, but only managed a wan smile
Noel looked up to the corner of the room and then back down again.
‘Do you think I should get my hair cut?’… maybe just the fringe…’
Julian gave in.
