No-One Knows

Naughtiness set during the show!


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Length: words

Notes: I wrote this after my Boosh tickets arrived. Inspiration once again from a track stuck in my head. Added to an obvious lift from the Blue Song video

No-One Knows by sandracarol

The show was going really well.

Of course it was always easier when you were working with an audience who already knew the premise. And this lot could speak pure Boosh, so it was always going to go well. He only felt slightly embarrassed at so blatantly giving them what they obviously wanted. He kind of wished they had put in a few more of the less obvious twists, but Julian had told him that it was time to nail the format, if they wanted to mainstream it. They could always move on afterwards.

Noel came on, stage right…

And the crowd went wild. He had to hold back from his mark and vogue on the spot until they had calmed down enough for him to deliver his opener.

As he strutted his stuff in his tutu he was vastly amused by the ever present thought, that this was no way for a grown man to earn a living.

They moved through the scene, and Julian was on fine form, as his confidence in this particular audience grew, he started improvising more and more. Noel was having to stay super sharp, just to keep up with him.

Once it was established that the audience were going to be easy. Julian had started experimenting with other stuff as a way of heightening the experience, and this appeared to be taking the form of winding Noel up.

There was always ‘that’ question in a partnership of this kind. Normally they had a standard banter about both claiming to be ‘the funny one.’ But many a true word and all that… sometimes they got dangerously competitive. Tonight was turning out to be one of those nights.

Julian had started to flirt with him outrageously on stage.

The possibility of sex between them always had been a running gag, even since the early stand up days. The quintessential truth in all humour however, had been their own personal joke. Now Julian was using this to add frission to the proceedings and was sailing awfully close to the wind. He was deliberately touching Noel up in a way designed to remind him of other, less public moments. And the look in his eyes was pure evil.

Well, evil was the wrong word. He was obviously enjoying himself immensely. Unfortunately, Noel was starting to enjoy himself as well, a little too much. The panic was that if he got hard on stage, he was fucked. This costume covered nothing. Well not for the first three rows looking up at him anyway…

Julian was a complete bastard… but in a good way obviously

The audience had picked up on what they thought was going on now, and Julian was getting bigger and bigger laughs every time he openly compromised Noel. At one point a particularly well placed look had made him corps completely, and every time he tried to recover, Julian just kept tagging it.

He was wiping the floor with him.

One torturous scene and a costume change later, They were back on stage together

They opened with a set piece, where Vince and Howard are looking for Naboo’s flying carpet, and while searching his magic cabinet, get trapped when the door swings shut behind them.

This was partly an excuse for a little av artiness in the form of a projection onto the doors, an x ray style clip that portrayed them inside amongst the coats.

And partly to expand on the obvious in joke, With a nice little gag on Vince trying to find Narnia, but discovering Robert Smith and the Cure instead.

It also covered everyone else’s costume change.

It was a big cabinet, well it had to be in order to act a viable screen, and the easiest prop had been a large wardrobe. Normally they used the down time for whispered discussions on the progress of the show. Tonight however, as the doors closed behind them, they both had other things in mind.

It turned out to be the same thing.

They were kissing before the latch clicked.

Hard urgent kisses, all tongue and teeth with a hint of violence, and as the first wave of passion overtook them they broke apart. Both aware of the need to be still, silent and finished in three minutes twenty.

One ten of av

Two minutes of Naboo and Bollo onstage doing set up

Ten seconds until Mike opened the door

There was a moment of unspoken understanding, As there, alone, in that hot confined space, with just the flicker of the projector coming through the cracks around the doors, that three hundred people were staring at, Anything was possible.

Julian with his hands to Noel’s face, leant back and with a final teasing kiss, guided him down his body.

The challenge was taken up with an urgency that befitted the situation.

As Julian pressed his back against the side wall, and reached out to keep the door closed, he spread his legs as far as a narrow wardrobe would allow. With his feet braced against the sides and his other hand in Noel’s hair…

Noel had slipped open Julian’s shirt, but his attention to the chest was only something to do with his mouth while he struggled momentarily with Julian’s top button. A quick and rather savage bite signified his success and as he slid down Julian’s torso, to kneel between his legs, he took the shorts with him. Just far enough to guarantee full exposure and room to get a hand in.

The light stopped flickering

Two minutes ten

Julian caught his breath as Noel took him in his mouth; he disentangled his fingers and hung on to the coat rail instead. He didn’t need to interfere; Noel knew what he was doing.

Noel knew exactly what he was doing.

He was exceptionally pleased to find that this evening’s antics had had the same effect on Julian as on himself. Julian’s cock was massively hard and his balls were so tight they were almost drawn inside. It was only going to take a minute, and that was good, as a minute was all they had. He could already hear the audience cheer as Naboo and Bollo came on stage.

Which was exactly what Julian was going to do if he had anything to do with it.

He went straight for the kill. Sliding his lips and tongue down the length of Julian’s cock until it hit the back of his throat. Then he just kept pushing.

There was a trick to swallowing and it had taken him ages to master the technique, relaxing the back of the throat and swallowing the head. A bit like downing a pint. Julian had taught him that one.

Julian had taught him lots of things, and they were all going to come in really handy right now.

He heard a stifled groan, as he complimented the first move by cupping Julian’s balls with one hand and gently stoking the soft skin behind them with two fingers.

The audience outside laughed at the next gag

One minute forty.

He devoured Julian’s cock with a hungry, urgent rhythm, pulling back to the end, flicking his tongue round the head and pushing back. Deep throat every time.

All the time gently rimming with his fingers.

One minute thirty.

Julian had given himself over to the situation completely. His breath was becoming uneven, catching with each new demand on his mind and body.

Noel could almost feel his Brain melting, he was drowning in sensations and was having real difficulty keeping focused on what was happening outside. He had to keep a clear head; He was the time keeper.

Next big laugh

About a minute twenty… maybe…

He slid back up Julian’s body with his free hand and locating a nipple, pinched it hard as he could, while simultaneously pushing the two fingers of his other hand gently inside. Julian gasped and shuddered.

Still cradling the balls in his palm Noel tightend his grip while keeping up the regular thrust and suction with his mouth. Faster. Harder.

Just there.

He heard Julian catch his breath again, and as he felt the throb of his balls and the swell start at the base of his cock. Noel held tight and swallowed hard.

The taste flooded his mouth and his senses. As Julian tried to pull away, Noel held on and sucked harder, keeping rhythm with the pulsating spasms as Julian came.

He wanted to suck him dry.

That particular thought hit him as a distinct pain in his own groin area. He had to release his grip on Julian’s nipple in order to reached down to quash it. There was no time for that.

Less than a minute…

Julian stifled a moan as he finished.

Noel gave one last hard suck, and as Julian whimpered he broke the seal and let him go gently.

He could feel Julian’s legs giving way.

Julian was still shaking but Noel knew they had to get it together.


He disentangled himself with little or no ceremony, and staggering to his feet started putting Julian clothes in order for him.

As they came level Julian grabbed his face and kissed him deeply.

Noel kept doing up the shirt buttons.

Less than thirty seconds.

He could hear Mike onstage, approaching his mark next to the wardrobe.

One more gag and he would open the door.

As Bollo did the setup, Noel broke free and finished tidying his partner up.

He could almost feel Julian grinning at him in the dark.

Noel was grinning too.

Ten seconds.

They straightened their clothes and took their positions, Julian out first, Noel to follow wearing a fur coat.

Fuck. The coat…

The last laugh died, Mike delivered his aside and went to open the wardrobe door.

It appeared to be stuck.

The audience laughed again

He pulled at it harder and it gave way,

Julian staggered out shakily, blinking at the light, to take his position.

The audience went with it and laughed some more

They had gotten away with it…

Noel stood in the doorway of the wardrobe, resplendent in his full length fur coat, one hand resting on the frame the other on his hip, and he couldn’t resist surveying the audience, still grinning, totally amused by the idea of the scene they had all just missed.

He looked back at Mike who delivered his line.

‘What were you doing in there?’

‘What? Nothing…’

‘Vince, Have you been going through my stuff again?’


He left it a beat, for full effect, before he carried on…

Licking his lips and wiping the corner of his mouth with his thumb.

Then he turned his most dazzling Vince smile on a baffled Mike before looking directly at Julian.

All open and innocent…

‘I was giving Howard a blow job…’

The look on Julian’s face was perfect.

As the audience cracked up, he shot Julian a genuine smile

Now that, was funny…