Little drops of hope
Category: Real Person Fic
Characters: Julian Barratt, Noel Fielding
Pairing: Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt
Length: 1-5k words
Notes: my first fic, hope it’s not too bad. all comments welcome and greatly appreciated.
Little drops of hope by futuresailor
That is definitely not what Noel wants to think about right now, so then why is it always there?, that little thought, just there. Niggling away at him. If only he hadn’t said those things. If only he had known when to stop. Yes, they’d had fights before, but they could be fixed within days. This was different. At first Noel thought it had been a regular row. He hadn’t meant what he said about hating Julian, how he was so needy and always needed Noel there, in fact that was how he felt about Julian – always needing Julian there, that safety that came over him when he was around. But after a week of denial, he finally realised that Julian wasn’t coming back. That had been the worst week of his life. He hadn’t known what to do with himself. Getting up felt like a drag, even painting seemed monotonous after a couple of hours. His world had crumbled in that instant of realisation, of knowing.
Noel awoke from his thoughts on hearing the first pelt of rain against glass. He silently walked over to the window and peered out. Everything was dark and gloomy, just like he felt. He sat up on the windowsill and leant his head against the cooling glass, feeling the cold numbing his forehead just that little bit. And then they came. Like a cascading waterfall or the rain outside. Big, heavy tears from an aching heart, poured from the once glistening blue eyes, bringing with them ideas of hope. Phoning Julian, going over to his place, Julian coming over to Noel’s…..Julian. Each tear seemed to cleanse Noel of all the hurt and pain he felt, but whenever he stopped, it all came flooding back as clear as day.
Noel awoke with a start. A bright flashing light seemed to be coming from under the cushions on the windowsill. Fumbling about underneath them, he eventually found his mobile. 2 missed calls and a text……..from Julian. With trembling fingers, Noel read the message.
‘This is ridiculous. We need to talk. I’m coming over.’
Noel threw his mobile on the floor and started to panic. He should have read this over an hour ago. That meant that Julian was nearly here. Any minute now he’d knock on that door. Did he want to apologise? Mock? Have a go at him again? Noel didn’t care. ‘At least he’s coming,’ he reasoned. The problem was, deep down inside, did he really want him to?
10 minutes past, the longest 10 minutes of Noel’s life. Finally, he heard a timid knock on the door. Noel got up from his position on the couch and went to answer it. He gasped when he saw Julian standing there, leaning against the door frame with that expressionless expression on his face. Neither of them said a word as Noel shifted his weight and walked into the living room, leaving the door slightly ajar as he left. ‘If he wants to come in, he’ll come in,’ he thought. As he sat down on the couch again he heard the soft click of the latch and the quiet shuffle of feet enters the room. He instinctively drew his knees to his chin, wrapping his arms around himself tightly. False comfort, he supposed. /without invitation Julian settled himself on the armchair nearest to where Noel was sitting and rested his head in his hands. He had the sudden urge to wrap his arms tightly around Noel and tell him he was sorry and that everything could go back to the way it was. Instead, he cleared his throat and words that he’d longed to say came spilling out into the room.
‘I’m sorry, Noel. Really I am. I never meant for this to happen, but sometimes you can just be so….so…..’
Noel spoke up with unexpected venom in his voice ‘What? What can I be Julian? ‘Cause I’d really like to know you’re opinion, y’know.’
Julian was taken aback. He really didn’t think Noel would want to start another fight, not now. Not when he had come back to apologise and sort things out. Not when he knew Noel loved him and missed him and knew that Julian felt the same.
‘Forget it, forget everything. I knew this was a mistake from the moment you didn’t pick up the phone the first time, but I foolishly thought that you really did miss me and even love me, so I decided to come anyway to work things out. Now I really wish I hadn’t wasted my time, hadn’t blown off prior commitments because I thought you didn’t mean what you said before, that you were just drunk, or upset about something. But if that’s what I really mean to you I’ll go. I’ll walk out that door forever, our partnership, relationship, everything, gone if you don’t grow up. Or even look at me!’
Julian snapped and before he even knew what he was doing, he had slapped Noel right on the cheek, leaving a bright red mark in contrast to his pale skin. Still, Noel’s eyes didn’t show a flicker of hurt or remorse. Julian couldn’t handle the sight of what he’d done to his best friend, nonetheless, and as he turned to leave he heard Noel whisper threats quietly to himself, cradling his now fiery red cheek.
Unable to leave, Julian sat quietly on the doorstep of Noel’s flat, waiting for his heart to stop beating so fast or to be hit by lightning so he would never have to live through another day of pain without Noel again. Hours had passed since he left the house. He was contemplating leaving his position at the door, when he felt the slight creak of the door open against his back. Gently, he stood up and turned around to face the most heart-wrenching sight he had ever had to face before. Standing in the hallway of the flat was Noel, eyes red from crying, looking even worse than when he’d left him. Noel turned to walk away again, but this time Julian followed in a heartbeat. Noel took up his position on the couch, knees tucked under his chin, and Julian sat beside him.
‘I’m sorry.’ It was a barely audible whisper, but Julian heard it all the same. He immediately pulled Noel close and wrapped his arms around his slender frame. Those same two words were repeated over and over, each time accompanied by a sob or a new bout of tears, but Julian held on tight all the same until eventually, they subsided. Noel lifted his head from Julian’s chest and started fiddling with his hair.
‘I never meant what I said y’know. I don’t even know why I said it, it was horrible. I couldn’t, I can’t live without you, Ju. I don’t know what to do without you. I can’t even paint anymore; my creativity’s all dried up like a prune. I miss you….I…I…..I love you Julian…..please forgive me…..’
Julian’s heart gave a flutter as he stared into those beautiful blue eyes. In that split second, they both knew exactly how they felt about eachother.
‘I love you too, you crazy little man,’ Julian said smiling, ‘and don’t you ever forget it.’
Julian pulled Noel into a loving embrace, relishing the feel of the slender man he hadn’t felt for so long. Noel leant up and ran his fingers along Julian’s cheekbone. He pulled Julian’s face to his gently and they kissed passionately, longingly, until Noel started falling asleep. Julian started smiling as Noel rested his head on his chest and closed his eyes. Within minutes he was asleep and for a while, Julian just watched him. The slight movement of his head when Julian breathed, the odd wrinkle of his nose as he dreamt. Julian wrapped his arms tighter around Noel’s slender fame, careful not to wake him, and laid his head on the soft hair. He wondered why he didn’t call Noel earlier, before sleep took him peacefully away.