Category: Real Person Fic
Pairing: Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt
Length: 1-5k words
Notes: I am new. Relatively new-ish to The Boosh, but now thanks to the two ladies mentioned below I am completely and utterly besotted with it, and them. Rawr. As a long-time slasher I appreciate it’s blatant boy-touchiness. And Noel and Julian’s. C’mon now, get a room, boys. Preferably with a video camera.
Okay, so tundra_boy and _phoon_ have been badgering me all week to get this finished. And they’ve read most of it already. But not the end. Because nobody was awake at 7am this morning when I finished it. God bless Insomnia. It’s my first Boosh-slash (Well Noel and Julian – I’m an RPSlasher by nature, lol!) And I am an angstfic/Hurt/Comfort junkie, so parts of this may not be to everyone’s tastes.
Noel sat in the armchair, casually sipping a cool soothing alka-selzer cocktail. Last night’s rather heavy drinking session at yet another awards ‘do had left him in a rather rough state, and caused him to wake up at the ungodly hour of 7am, his insides more unsettled than a faulty washing machine. When he’d woke up, Julian had already gone – he always did seem to have this peculiar ability to shake off a hangover by wandering off somewhere to get a newspaper.
Noel grinned to himself, flashbacks of the previous night’s shenanigans flooding his mind – the free booze, the hilarity of Dale Winton getting down to “Yes Sir, I Can Boogie” with Cilla Black, The sly trip to a darkened corner of the after-party with Julian…
He jumped, the sound of the front door slamming shut awakening him from the day-dream.
Julian glared at him, slapping a newspaper down in his lap.
Noel groaned. His eyes had only just become accustomed to the fact that he was awake, nevermind having to actually read something. He held up the newspaper and read aloud from the front page, tilting his head bemusedly.
“Winton’s Boozy Boogie with Cilla?”
Julian narrowed his eyes and shook his head, his tone sharp and getting inexplicably annoyed.
“Page seven, idiot..”
He flicked to page seven and there, in a half-page “exclusive” spread courtesy of the 3am girls…
“Boosh Boys” Secret Award Show Tryst…”
And there, in full colour, was a badly shot, flashless photo of himself and Julian, lips pressed together, roaming hands and all, tucked away in a supposedly hidden corner at the previous night’s party. Noel looked at it for a moment, scanning the sensationalist waffle beneath and then looked at Julian, shrugging slightly.
“Well that photograph was terribly unflattering… they got me all at the wrong angle..”
Julian’s eyes widened, followed by an incredulous gasp.
“Is that all you can bloody say?! We, Noel, are officially fucked! Jesus…Why the hell did I agree to.. to that!?”
Noel sucked his cheek and raised an eyebrow, throwing his legs languidly over the arm of the chair and glaring at Julian.
“Well, you weren’t complaining last night!” He smirked.
“Noel! Have you any idea how much shit this is going to cause? We are in the paper! And we’re… we’re.. canoodling!”
“Canoodling!?” Noel sniggered, “Fuckin’ hell… Shit happens, alright? It’s not like people didn’t already think it.. and besides, it’s one of the few occasions that where a tabloid’s actually got it right!”
“That’s beside the bloody point! For Christ’s sake, I can’t believe you’re being so blasé about this, Noel. It’s… embarrassing!”
And at that point, Noel’s cocky grin fell away. Folding his arms, he looked away from Julian.
“Oh, right. So being with me is embarrassing, is it?”
Julian groaned, rubbing his face and raking a hand through his messy hair.
“I didn’t say that…”
“You didn’t have to.” Noel huffed, getting up out of the armchair and grabbing his coat.
“Where are you going?!” Julian said, following Noel to the front door.
“To get pissed.” He retorted, pulling on a hat from the table by the phone. “I don’t know, shag a few birds… dispel the rumours..”
“Noel, please don’t…” Julian sighed, his hand curling around Noel’s slender arm. “I didn’t mean… “
“Don’t touch me.” he sneered, yanking his arm away. “People will talk.”
The door slammed shut and Julian sighed, deciding that maybe an argument in the middle of the street probably wasn’t the best idea right now. He trudged defeatedly back into the living room, grabbing a glass, a bottle of whiskey, and flopping back onto the sofa. Hair of the dog was what he needed, and to wait for Noel to calm down and come back home, all giddiness and drunken kisses, and all this would be nothing but an annoying memory.
Noel glanced up at the clock, then back to the large amount of empty glasses he’d accrued in the last few hours, staring back at him from the table.
“Time gents, please.” The barman bellowed.
He groaned, supposing he’d maybe put off going back home a little too long. Draining the final glass, he stood up, pulling his coat back on and ambling awkwardly towards the door, tottering and falling against a rather large, denim-clad West Ham fan sat with some rather unappetising, lager breathed brethren at the table opposite. Noel raised his hands, one eye half closed as he slurred..
A flash of recognition shot across the man’s face just before Noel staggered away, causing a hushed chatter between them that Noel was far too drunk to try and hear. He took a deep breath of cold, night-time oxygen, his head beginning to spin in that rather unpleasant, roller-coaster kind of way. Squinting against the wind he struggled to focus on the main road, looking out for a taxi in the almost deserted Sunday-night street.
A loud yell from behind him caused Noel to turn on his heels. The West Ham fan from earlier stood before him, flanked by the shaved monkeys that had been sat with him previously.
“I know you…” The man began, moving closer.
Noel grinned drunkenly, nodding as the man glowered..
“Well yeah, I’m actually..”
“You’re that poof out the paper!” He exclaimed, jabbing a fat, stubby finger in Noel’s face.
Noel’s eyes widened, wordless as he stumbled back away from the men, all cracking knuckles and ape-like expressions. He turned to run, his drunken legs only managing to tangle around one-another clumsily as he crashed to the floor, grazing his hands on the asphalt. He’d just about managed to raise himself to his knees when he felt the sharp stab of a boot ploughing into his back…
Julian glanced at the clock, then at the near empty bottle sat on the table in front of him. Noel should’ve been back by now…
“He’s either still pissed off… Or he’s pissed, and he’s pulled.” He grumbled, pouring himself another glass.
He leaned back against the cushions, lighting a cigarette and sighing a thin trail of smoke towards the wall. A feint thud filtered from the hall and Julian climbed to his feet, muttering grumpily.
“Forgotten his fucking key…”
He flipped back the latch and pulled it open, his expression of annoyance turning to one of horror as Noel’s face blinked back at him, his thin form propped against the door-frame. His left cheek was swollen and bruised, his eye almost completely shut. His lip split open and blood trickled down his chin as his right eye glistened, tears dripping freely down his already damp cheek. Julian gasped, reaching to aid him into the house only to be met with a violent shove backwards.
He staggered into the living room, and Julian followed, baffled by the reaction and his brow furrowed with concern.
“What the hell happened to you?!”
Noel remained silent, continuing to walk through and prop himself up haphazardly against the kitchen sink, reaching down to soak a tea-towel and pressing it with trembling hands against his swollen cheek.
“Noel.. Will you talk to me, I just wa..”
Julian was cut short as a large glass skimmed past his ear..
“Just fuck off Julian! None of this would’ve happened if you hadn’t…”
“Hadn’t what, Noel?” Julian scowled, folding his arms across his chest. “I wasn’t the one who fucked off like a petulant four year old!”
“Don’t you fucking dare!” Julian lurched forward, a bony finger prodding Julian’s arm. “Don’t you turn all this around on me… I mean, christ, that’s the most emotional involvement I’ve seen out of you this morning… letting me know that I’m such a fucking embarrassment and that you’re clearly more deeply concerned about what some delusional fat slags in a tabloid rag think about our relationship than what I do…”
Julian shook his head, leaning against the door frame and sighing.
“That isn’t true… I didn’t me–”
“Save it.” Noel glared, all bloody lips and rock-star sneer. “You and me both know why you’re here, Barratt. Because otherwise, you’re just sad, pathetic, lonely Julian. Too fucking awkward to get a bird so he has to get it off his mate who’s too fucking stupid to stop taking pity on him…Well, you can get fucked, mate.”
Noel couldn’t stop himself now, he knew in his heart he didn’t mean a word of the spite that was spewing out of his mouth, and yet no matter how much he saw Julian wince painfully with each spit of venom, or how much he knew it was hurting him, he carried on in his vain mission to prove a point.
Julian stammered weakly in his defence. He knew it was true, he knew he was pretty much un-loveable by anyone’s standards… it’s perfectly believable that his own best mate would feel sorry for him and do what Noel did, and by the look in his staring blue eyes, that meal ticket had finally reached it’s sell-by date.
“You wish.” He spat. “I’m more sober than you are…”
He narrowed his eyes, leaning in close and looking Julian up and down and continuing.
“Tonight’s made me realise something.. Whatever was going on between me and you? It’s finished… And I want you gone.”
Julian’s breath hitched slightly in his throat, his arms unconsciously wrapping tighter around himself. He nodded, chewing his lower lip slightly as he muttered.
Noel nodded, inwardly urging Julian to say something, to grab him and tell him to stop being so ridiculous by throwing everything away in a fit of selfish pique, but nothing came. Julian couldn’t even look at him any more, let alone formulate a sentence. Silently, Noel pushed past him, refusing to look back as he walked calmly upstairs to the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Pulling his jacket off and dropping it to the floor, he crawled into bed, pulling the duvet around him as the bravado of male pride fell away. He screwed his eyes shut, pushing the fact that he’d just broken Julian’s heart to the back of his mind, the pounding inside his skull causing his hands to curl tightly around the edges of his pillow as a strangled cry buried itself into the thick material.
Julian stood in the kitchen, motionless for a while, at least until the footsteps and noises from upstairs stopped. A hollow emptiness welled in his stomach, an almost ethereal feeling of calm covering him as he inexplicably began to busy himself, silently sweeping the glass up off the floor and humming to himself quietly as he stacked the plates neatly in the sink, telling himself inwardly that he’d do them in the morning, when all this is would be forgotten about and things would go back to just how they were the previous day. No arguments, no throwing of random objects. Normality.
He made himself a cup of tea, and sat back where he’d been on the sofa, telling himself that none of it had just happened. A mantra he was sure if said often enough, would become reality and he wouldn’t be moving out. He wouldn’t be without his best friend and he wouldn’t be alone.
There was something about that word that suddenly made a knot in his stomach tighten painfully.
He couldn’t bear the thought of being alone, despite his amazing talent for pushing people away. Pushing everyone away. Everyone except Noel… The one person who’d actually bothered to persevere and finally manage to break through the spiky, and sometimes downright aggressive exterior…
And now even he’d had enough.
He didn’t realise he was crying until he noticed the large droplets of water splashing into his mug.
His head bowed and his shoulders began to shake, his body fighting to restrain itself as reality dawned like a kick in the face. He curled back against the cushions, his face hidden within the crook of his elbow as he felt everything around him turning to rubble…
Julian squinted at the clock on the wall. He groaned slightly as it took longer for his eyes to adjust than usual. He rubbed them on his sleeve, causing them to sting painfully.
6.30am. Hangover. Newspaper.
In his daze, he was just about to rise to his feet when he noticed the hand curled around his shirt. The previous nights events began to crawl back into view as he turned his head. Noel huddled beside him, in boxers and a t-shirt, legs tucked underneath him and pressed tightly against his body. Julian was sure he was shaking with cold until a muffled voice and warm breath spread across his chest.
He stayed silent, and Noel looked up. His face was a mess, all bruises and dried blood, hair spiked all over the place. Tears spilled down his cheek, his right eye almost as swollen and puffy as the left. He looked like he hadn’t slept. His lip trembled as he continued.
“I didn’t mean what I said… Please don’t..” He began to sob softly. “Julian, I’m sorry…”
Whilst his inner sadist was half tempted to get up and walk out, leave Noel to sit and stew as payback for the things he’d said… He just couldn’t bring himself to. He sighed, curling his hand around the back of Noel’s neck and gently pulling him back to his chest.
Noel willingly obliged, nestling his head against Julian’s chest as he rubbed his back.
“I thought they were going to kill me…” He sniffed
“Last night…” He continued, his voice trembling as he spoke “Outside the pub… these blokes just…”
He started to cry again, the memory of the beating causing him to shake, and Julian’s arms wrap tighter around his slight frame.
“I was so scared…”
Julian frowned, pressing his lips against Noel’s forehead.
“It’s okay… you’re safe now.”
Noel sighed and pulled away slightly, kneeling up and shaking his head.
“But what if you were right yesterday? What if this paper thing has fucked the whole lot up? What if me being a drunken dick-head as sentenced us to a life as fucking hermits?!”
Julian chuckled slightly, his fingers brushing against the back of Noel’s neck soothingly.
“Don’t be daft.” He grinned, “Look, I overreacted yesterday… It’s not as bad as all that.”
“Isn’t it?” Noel pouted slightly, eyebrows raised.
“Course it isn’t. And besides, nobody’ll mess with us… I’ve got moves, remember?”
“Oh, course you have, mate…” Noel snorted, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. “I forgot all about your “moves”“
“I have! I’m a northerner, me. I’d kick yer ‘ead in soon as look at yer.” He nodded, his northern accent thickening as he spoke.
“Please don’t…” Noel winced, rubbing the side of his head. “I’ve had quite enough of that for one week, thanks.”
“Well..” Julian smirked. “Maybe next week, then?”
“Yeah.. Maybe.” He chuckled.
“Right…” Julian eased himself off the sofa, stretching and letting out a slight groan before extending his hand out. “Lets sort you out, then.”
Noel looked at him quizzically for a moment before realising what he meant, taking his hand and climbing off the sofa. Julian led him upstairs to the bathroom and gestured to the toilet.
“But I’ve already been!”
He rummaged around in the bathroom cupboard, pulling out a bottle of antiseptic, some plasters and a soft cloth, He mixed the antiseptic with warm water and soaked the cloth in it. Sitting on the edge of the bath, he hovered the cloth over a nasty looking scrape above Noel’s eyebrow, examining it slightly before nodding.
“Right.. this might hurt a bit..”
He began dabbing gently at the cut, wiping away the dried blood and tilting his head, checking for anything more severe. Noel held still for a few moments until the antiseptic began to soak in, stinging and burning his skin. He whined and squirmed backwards, pulling his head away. Julian’s hand followed him, continuing to clean up his face and rolling his eyes, tutting.
“Shut up, you big woman.”
Julian smirked as he carried on fixing Noel’s battered face until he looked almost back to normal. Except for the hair. He stood up, reaching down and tilting Noel’s chin from side to side until he was satisfied there was nothing more to do.
“There.” He smiled, folding his arms. Noel looked up at him and blinked, leaning forward and sucking his cheeks in.
“Back to my beautiful self, am I?”
“Yep.” Julian nodded, putting the cloth in the sink. “Well, except a touch of the Elephant Man look over on this side…”
“Elephant man?!” Noel gasped, gingerly pressing against the left side of his face. “Is it really that bad?!”
“Nah..” Julian grinned, his accent broadening again. “Y’look gorgeous, petal..”
“Cheers.” He nodded, sitting silently for a moment before looking back up. “…Julian?”
“Come here a sec..”
Julian knelt down, brow furrowed with concern as he scanned Noel’s features.
“What.. what is it? Do you feel sick? Do you want me to get a doctor? It might be concussion you kn—”
His waffling was silenced as Noel crushed his lips against his, ignoring the sting from the cut on his lower lip. He pulled back, his eyes glazed, mouth parted slightly and his breath quickened.
“What was that for?”
“Just wanted to check if I still looked good this close.”
“Oh, right. Well… it looks alright to me. I’d just better check again, though.”
“Mm.” Noel nodded, hands lacing in Julian’s scruffy hair as their lips met in a heated kiss once more, tongues fighting for dominance as they tumbled onto the bathroom floor with a thump. Julian kneeled up, eyes widened as Noel lay splayed on the floor, his chest moving with quick, shaky breaths and looking up at him with half lidded eyes.
“Oh my god! Are you alright? How’s your…”
“Shut up, Julian!” Noel cried, reaching up and yanking him back down to the floor by the collar of his shirt and engaging him in a more manic, needy kiss. A low moan reverberated in his throat as he sucked on Julian’s lower lip, hands dropping down to unfasten his jeans before slipping his hands down the back of his waistband and sliding them over his bony hips. He gasped sharply as Julian’s body fell against him, locking one leg around his back and raising his own hips to meet Julian’s, now grinding slowly on top of him. Julian groaned throatily, opening his mouth over Noel’s as one hand slid down his side, his abdomen now exposed as his t-shirt had managed to crumple up around his chest. Julian’s fingers curled around the waistband of Noel’s boxers, pulling his leg away momentarily before pushing them down around his ankles. Kneeling between Noels legs, he paused momentarily to take in the view, Noel gazing up at him, teeth biting gently at the corner of his mouth and his hair even more out of place than it was before.
He leaned down, Noel’s lips meeting his own part way as his fingers gripped his hair, tugging and pulling, nipping and biting at Julian’s lower lip hungrily as Julian’s hand travelled over his stomach, little gasps punctuating the kiss as nimble fingers circled around his belly button before wrapping themselves around his erection. Noel’s hips arched off the carpet, murmuring softly as they rocked rhythmically against Julian’s hand. His head fell back against the carpet, his hand lowering and pulling Julian’s boxers down, moving across and curling his hand around his cock, feeling it throbbing against his fingers as it pushed through them. Julian whimpered, his lips hovering over Noels as he panted breathlessly, hips jutting forward sharply. Noel closed his eyes, his mouth opening and breathing a sharp intake of air as he ground his head against the floor. He looked up at Julian, wordlessly moving his hand away and wrapping his slim legs high around his back. It took little time for Julian to realise what he wanted, grinding his hips down and engaging noel in a hard, messy kiss as he pressed himself inside, capturing the shrill cry spilling from Noel’s mouth with his own. Julian’s hips worked back and forth, building a steady rhythm as Noel’s mouth travelled along his jawline, lapping at the stubbly skin before biting down hard against his neck, pushing himself down harder and undulating his hips, Julian’s hand still sliding and twisting over his aching hardness.
Julian hissed and cried out as he felt Noel’s short nails coursing down his back urging him to go harder, faster…
They gazed into each others eyes, their lips a tangle of gasps and delightful moans, engaging in a biting, gnawing kiss as both of their bodies began to shake and spasm in unison. Julian’s head lowered and buried itself in the crook of Noel’s neck as he released, Noel’s legs tightening even more around Julian’s back as he came with a loud yell, sticky saline covering his stomach.
They lay there for a while, breathless and dazed, entangled bodies still moving gently with one another until Julian raised his head. Noel grinned back at him cheekily, reaching up and rubbing the back of his neck.
“You’d make a fucking fabulous doctor, mate…”
“Yeah?” Julian raised an eyebrow, smirking. “How so?”
“Well I haven’t got face-ache anymore for a start…” Noel giggled.
“Fantastic. Fancy goin’ out?”
“What… me? And you? Together?”
“Yeah… why not?” Julian frowned quizzically.
“Bloody hell, you’re getting a bit adventurous..” He snorted. “People will talk!”
“Ah well…” Julian shrugged, a wry grin tugging at his lips.