Category: The Mighty Boosh
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Length: 1-5k words
Photos for Fossil by thymeth
Howard turned and saw Fossil striding towards him.
“Are you sleeping with Vince Noir?”
“What? No!” Howard exclaimed, taken aback, “What are you talking about?”
“‘Cause if you are,” Fossil said, “I’ll so fire your ass.”
“I’m not sleeping with Vince. How can you say something like that?”
“I don’t mind homos in theory,” Fossil said, “But in practice! God, you’re sick, Moon!”
“What? I haven’t done anything,” Howard exclaimed.
“You’re fucking some other guy’s ass,” Fossil said, “Or, judging you, I’d say you’re the one having your ass fucked. You disgust me, Moon.”
“Yeah, well,” Howard said, realising that trying to defend himself would get him nowhere, “What about you and Bainbridge, then? You’re his little bitch, aren’t you?”
“How dare you drag Bainbridge into this, you fat, ugly ape-thing?” Fossil shouted, “He’s an angel. He’d never do anything that disgusting.”
“But you wish he would, though, wouldn’t you?”
“I… I… Shut up, Moon!”
“I think someone’s a little unsure about their sexuality,” Howard said.
“Yeah, well, fuck you, Moon,” Fossil said,” ‘Cause it damned well isn’t me!”
“I think it is, though,” Howard said, enjoying the increasing distress on Fossil’s face.
“Anyway,” Fossil said, regaining some control, “It doesn’t matter, does it? ‘Cause you’ve never fucked anyone anyway.”
“I have,” Howard protested.
“Yeah,” Fossil mocked, “What, a blow-up giraffe?”
“Ha! No-one wants go to bed with you,” Fossil said, “not even that girly-boy Noir.”
“Oh, yeah?” Howard said without thinking.
“Well, I’m going to prove you wrong, Mr Fossil,” Howard said and turned away, “Just you wait and see.”
“Fucking homo!” Fossil shouted after him, “I’m so going to fire your ass, Moon!”
Vince was sitting on the bench outside reading one of his fancy magazines and humming some crazy tune.
“Vince,” Howard called. Vince looked up and smiled.
“Vince, this isn’t personal or anything,” Howard said, not sitting down, “But… um… would you go to bed with me?”
“What?” Vince said.
“Would you go to bed with me?” Howard repeated, blushing ferociously this time.
“Go to bed with you?” Vince said, “Why?”
“Oh, never mind,” Howard said, losing his nerve.
“I mind,” Vince said, “Why?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does,” Vince insisted. He really was too sweet for his own good sometimes, and Howard found it impossible not to tell him. He sat down heavily.
“It’s just something Fossil said.”
“What did Fossil say?”
“He asked me if I was sleeping with you.” The blush returned to Howard’s cheeks and he kept his eyes on the hands in his lap.
“What did you say?”
“I said ‘no’ of course.”
“What did you do that for?” Vince said disapprovingly.
“Because that’s the truth?” Howard said, looking up.
“He doesn’t care what’s true or not,” Vince said, his head to one side, “He wants to hear what he wants to hear. He wanted to hear that you’re sleeping with me and now he’s manipulated you into wanting to, too.”
“The bastard!” Howard shouted as he realised just how cleverly he had been tricked, “The bloody, bloody bastard son of a fucking whore!”
“Calm down,” Vince said, “I think I know how we can turn this to our own advantage.”
“You have a plan, you mean?” Howard asked doubtfully.
“And are you going to tell me your plan?”
“Only if you promise,” Vince said, “Promise on your life, the universe and all your jazz record that you’ll follow my every instruction to the minutest detail and without question.”
“I can’t do that,” Howard protested.
“Then you’ll just have to tell Fossil that you couldn’t get into my bed and he’ll mock you forever and probably fire you too.”
“Ok, ok,” Howard said, “Ok, I swear. Tell me.” And Vince leant close and began whispering.
Howard’s stomach was twisting painfully, his palms were sweaty and he was shaking slightly all over.
Vince finished fiddling with the cameras and sat down.
“Relax,” he said, leaning close, “I’ll be careful, trust me.”
“I don’t trust you,” Howard said.
“Yeah, whatever,” Vince said and touched Howard’s lips with his own. Howard knew he should pull away. He could live with Fossil’s mocking, no problem. But something kept him glued to the sofa. And this something was also making him return Vince’s kisses.
Vince’s hands slipped to his cheeks and as the kiss deepened, Vince climbed into Howard’s lap. The smooth, wet, hot kisses intoxicated him completely and Howard slipped his hands around Vince’s waist.
“Mmm,” Vince hummed as he began unbuttoning Howard’s shirt. Howard’s fingers moved inside Vince’s t-shirt and up his spine, splaying out on his ribs.
“I want you,” Vince whispered as he pushed Howard’s shirt off his shoulders. He was probably just saying it to make everything realistic, but it sent sparks of heat to Howard’s groin anyway.
“Come on, take my t-shirt off.” Howard glanced quickly up at him.
“Howard, you swore.”
“Yeah. Sorry,” Howard said quickly and managed to get the t-shirt over Vince’s head despite his trembling fingers.
Vince was absolutely gorgeous sitting there without his shirt, his ribs and collarbones almost visible under the pale skin.
“Go on,” Vince said, running a finger through Howard’s hair, “I know you want to.”
Howard glanced up at him and was about to protest when he remembered what he had sworn. But, he reflected, he would have done it anyway.
He leant forward and kissed Vince’s chest.
Vince drew a deep breath and threw his head backwards. The budding tension in Howard’s groin tightened uncomfortably as he kissed his way across Vince’s chest, drinking in the soft skin and hot smells.
Then Vince’s hands were unzipping his trousers.
“Lie down,” he said, smiling mischievously.
Howard complied and a fresh gush of painful excitement crashed over him as Vince pulled of his trousers and began kissing his stomach.
“Here you go, Mr Fossil,” Howard said and slammed the video cassette down on Fossil’s desk along with a large bunch of photos. The photos spilled over the table and some fell into Fossil’s lap.
“What the hell is this, Moon?” Fossil shouted, not looking at the photos, “Can’t you see I’m having an important meeting?”
“Yes, I can,” Howard said, giving Bainbridge a cool nod, “But you’ve been pestering us about these photos forever, so I thought it’d be best not to wait.”
“Good one,” Vince whispered. Howard glanced over to him and his heart swelled; Vince was smiling and looking very pleased.
“What is this?” Bainbridge asked, picking up a few of the photos.
“It’s nothing, pumpkin,” Fossil said and began gathering them together, “Holy shamoly, Moon, what the fuck is this?!”
“Oh, that’s me giving Howard a blowjob,” Vince said, moving to stand behind Fossil and peer over his shoulder, “And that’s me, just there, shagging him. Good, yeah?”
“No!” Fossil shouted, “What the fuck are these things doing in my office?”
“You asked for them,” Howard said, “Remember? You said you’d fire us if we didn’t give you pictures and a video of us having sex.”
“Fossil!” Bainbridge boomed, “Is this true?!”
“No!” Fossil gasped, “It’s not. Doll-face, no, it’s not!”
“Yes, it is,” Vince said, stroking Fossil’s hair, “And then you said that if you liked what you saw you’d come and join us.”
“This is not acceptable!” Bainbridge shouted and rose violently, “You, Fossil, are a sick, sick man. Good bye!”
“Bainbridge!” Fossil exclaimed and struggled free from Vince’s hand and staggered towards the door, “Sweetie pie. Sugar muffin. Polo mint! Come back! I can explain!”
“That was brilliant!” Vince said as Fossil’s voice disappeared down the corridor.
“Yeah, we’re a good team,” Howard agreed, trying to smile. A slightly wistful feeling had crept upon him and he could not shake it.
“What?” Vince said.
“What?” Howard asked. Then he realised; he had been standing staring at Vince ever so long.
“Sorry,” he said hastily and dropped his eyes.
“No worries,” Vince said and came back from behind Fossil’s desk. He was smiling mischievously.
“Erm, yeah,” Howard said, turning away to hide his blush. He could not forget what had happened the last time he had seen that smile.
“We should tidy up.” He began picking up the photos, but Vince grabbed hold of his wrist.
“Howard,” he said, “Don’t be silly.”
“I’m not being silly,” Howard said, frowning slightly.
“Yes, you are,” Vince said with a small laugh, “You’re being very silly. Come here.”
“Come here.” Vince pulled on Howard’s wrist and Howard found himself following, ending up barely inches away from Vince’s face. Vince slipped his arms around Howard’s neck.
“This was fun,” he said, running his fingers through Howard’s hair.
“Yeah,” Howard said, distractedly. All he could think about was how much he wanted to kiss Vince. But he could not, he told himself, last night had not meant anything. They could not…
But his thoughts were brought to an abrupt halt as Vince leant up and kissed him.
“Erm,” he said as the kiss ended.
“Howard,” Vince said.
“Shut up, ok?” And he pulled Howard close and kissed him again.