Fossil Funtime

Fossil/Howard/Vince sandwich. Yes! Fossil pays a surprise visit to the flat.


Characters: , ,

Pairing: ,





Length: words

Notes: written for emptypantry on the Boosh kink meme, for the prompt: “OH GOD BOB FOSSIL X ANYONE, plzkthx. >8D In his office, a la Season 1.. or surprise housecall to Howard.. crack or serious, I just don’t care.

Fossil Funtime by accioarse

Bob Fossil fluffed up his hair until it stood like an ornamental fan. He put on his best safari suit, the one with only two inches of belly showing between buttons, squirted some ‘Buttrape, For Men’ in his armpits and groin, and then went around to Naboo’s flat.

Howard opened the door.

“Where’s Vincey baby?”

“Why does everyone keep asking me that? Vince isn’t here! He’s never here! Doesn’t anyone ever want to talk to me?”

Bob took a Dictaphone out of his top pocket. “Note to self: Nobody ever wants to talk to baboon face. This is because he has the face of a baboon.”

“No I don’t!”

Bob Fossil looked Howard up and down. He spoke back into his Dictaphone. “Yes, he does.”

“Anyway, this discussion is over.” Howard began to close the door.

“Not so fast.” Fossil stuck his foot in the door – and quick as a flash, he was into the flat.


Fossil stood in the centre of the lounge, legs wide, belly stuck out. He tweaked his nipples through the blue nylon fabric of his shirt. “I’m in the mood, the mood for some goooooood… lactating! You know what I mean?”

Howard sincerely hoped he didn’t.

“Now Vincey, he’s my usual love puppet. Yeah, he rides me so hard…”

Howard took a step back in horror. No, Vince surely didn’t…

“But today I’m gonna let you have a go. Seeing how I’m all hot as hell, about to let flow, and Vince isn’t here to suck up all my milk.”

Howard opened the door firmly. “That’s a very kind offer, sir – but it so happens I happen to have other, pressing business which…”

But Fossil had already given a high pitched yodel of delight, launched himself into the air and landed on top of Howard.

Howard felt himself being fondled all over by Fossil’s hot, sticky hands – across his back, on his arse, even getting into the inside of his thighs. Then Howard’s cock was being grabbed, and he kicked out in panic.

Fossil ended up sprawling on the floor. He made his eyes go all big and sad. “Why d’you hurt poor Bobby Bob-bob?”

A sudden noise at the front door made them both turn around. It was Vince, coming back in.

Vince took off his silver trenchcoat and looked at the pair of them – Bob Fossil on the floor and Howard gasping and red. He put one hand on a hip and struck a pose. “What’s all this about, then?”

“He tried to rape me!” shouted Howard, pointing across.

“Only a little bit, Vincey. Only cos you weren’t here to tie me up and whip me till I spurted good.”

“Is that right?” asked Vince, both hands on his hips now, tapping a petulant toe. “Now, Mr Fossil, what did I tell you about that?”

Fossil shuffled to his feet. He bowed his head unconvincingly. “Spanky funtimes only happen in my office.”

“And the rest of it?” prompted Vince.

“Only in my office, only when I’m tied to my chair with the blue funtime panties, and only if your band is about to play my club.”

“Alright then,” said Vince, satisfied. He saw Howard’s reaction. “Hey, don’t look at me like that! How else did you think we got all those gigs!” Vince giggled. “Although Fossil does give really good head. You should try it sometime!”

Howard just stood, open mouthed.

Vince came over to Howard. He put his hand on Howard’s chest. “Aw, don’t be like that!”

“Don’t touch me! You… whore! You jezebel!” Howard jumped away. Tension crackled through the air.

“Oh, come on. That’s not what you were saying up on the roof…” Vince leant in. He brushed his lips against Howard’s. “Go on. You’ll like it. Let him suck you. Let me watch.”

Howard shivered. He recalled the sweaty grasp of Fossil’s hand through his trousers, pushing down against his cock. He felt himself harden.

Grabbing the back of Howard’s head, Vince pushed their lips together and sent his tongue out, tickling Howard’s lips. Howard groaned, but he didn’t resist. He felt Vince’s lips on his, Vince’s tongue exploring further. After a second, Howard opened his mouth. He grabbed Vince by the shoulders.

There was a tugging at Howard’s crotch – Bob Fossil, unzipping and freeing Howard’s cock, still only half-hard. Before Howard knew it, Fossil had licked his lips, and with a slurp, taken Howard right in.

Howard threw back his head and moaned. With Vince on one side and Fossil on the other – he felt pinned down, unable to escape.

Fossil was shouting between each suck on Howard’s cock – Howard could feel the vibrations – “Vincey… baby! Gonna… fuck you… so hard…. after!”

Vince was cupping Howard’s cheek, watching Howard react to his cock being sucked. “No, Mr Fossil. You know you don’t get to do that. You never do.”

Howard had stretched his mouth wide. He jerked as Fossil took him in again. “Huhhhh!”

Vince stroked his thumb gently, touching Howard’s lower lip. “I told you you’d like it. See?”

“Yuuuurgh!” said Howard.

“Tell me when you’re going to come. I want to kiss you when you come.”

“Nuuurr…. “

“Will you?”

“Yurrrr… Oh… nooooowwww!”

Vince held both sides of Howard’s face. Howard flushed and shook. And when he had finished, Vince kissed him tenderly.

“Yeah! Vincey baby, I swallowed up good! Now time for me!” Fossil surfaced, wiping his face and looking very smug. His pompadour hair was slightly deflated and creaminess dribbled from one side of his mouth.

“Yeah, whatever,” said Vince.

Fossil puffed out his chest. He opened up a few buttons and popped out a nipple. “Gonna lactate all over your desklamp!”

“Yeah. I don’t think so.” Vince was still looking into Howard’s eyes.

“Vincey… you do remember. There’s a gigspot coming up next week…”

Vince snapped out of his reverie. “Oh, what’s that, Mr Fossil? What were you were saying?”

“If you want the gig…”

Howard grabbed Vince. “No, Vince – you’re not really–”

“Sorry, Howard. Gotta go.”

“Oh, great. You do this to me – my first time ever,” Howard said those words in a small voice, “and then just bugger off to bum Fossil afterwards! Thanks a lot!” He turned away and started to tidy himself up, an angry red flush across his cheeks.

Vince hesitated. “Mr Fossil, can Howard come too? You can lactate on him as well, right? The more the better.”

Howard frowned. “I don’t know, Vince. I mean – you and me, and Fossil? I don’t know if I want…”

Fossil pulled out something from his pocket, stuck it in right front of Howard’s nose and pressed play. “Note to self: Nobody ever wants to talk to baboon face. This is because he has the face of a baboon.

“I mean, you just sucked me off!” shouted Howard. “How can you still keep saying that? And I don’t have the face of a baboon! I don’t!”

Fossil pressed play again. “Yes, he does.”