Booshdust

Category: The Mighty Boosh, Crossovers / Fandom Fusions

Characters: Anthrax, Bryan Ferry, Dixon Bainbridge, Ebola, Howard Moon, Naboo, Neon, Old Gregg, Other, Rudi, Saboo, Spider, The Spirit of Jazz, Ultra, Vince Noir

Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir

Genre: Action/Adventure, Crossover, Drama, Fandom Fusion, Fluff, Romance

Rating: G

Warning: Character Death, Violence - Mild

Status: Complete

Length: 10-20k words

Notes: I do not own the Boosh. I do not own Stardust either, nor the orginal book by Neil Gaiman, or the film. Done in script form.

[nextpage title=”Chapter One-Beyound the Wall.”]

Chapter One-Beyound the Wall

Narrator: A philosopher once asked, “Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human?” Pointless, really… “Do the stars gaze back?” Now that’s a question.
The image of the moon and stars retract, as we move backwards through a telescope, into an observatory. The year is approximately 1840 and we see several scientists in the room. One is writing a letter.
Narrator: But I’m getting ahead of myself. Our story really begins here, at the Royal Academy of Science in London, where a letter arrived containing a very strange inquiry. The scientist who received it thought it might be a practical joke of some kind, but yet the scientist dutifully wrote a reply to the boy, politely explaining that the query was nonsense, and posted it to the boy who lived in a village called Wall – so named, the boy had said, for the wall that ran alongside it. A wall that, according to local legend, held an extraordinary secret.

Tommy Thorn is standing beside the wall, facing Naboo, wearing his usual blue robes and turbun.
Naboo: I’m charged with guarding this gap in the wall, this portal to another world, and you’re asking me to just let you through?
Tommy: Yes. Because, let’s be honest: it’s a field. Look. Do you see another world over there? Anything non-human? No. And you know why? Because it’s a field.
Naboo: Hundreds of years, this wall’s been here. Hundreds of years, this gap’s been under twenty-four-hour guard. So, one more word out of you and I’ll have you up in front of the village council!
Tommy: Well that’s… that sounds rather final, better just go home then, I suppose.
Tommy turns and begins to walk away, then turns around and dashes through the gap. He breaks through the woods above the busy Market Town.
In Market Town, he leans towards a jar full of white spheres, then jumps back when two of them look straight at him, they are eyes. Moving through the crowd, a woman waves towards a small cage in which two tiny elephants are walking, ears flapping as they are waiting to be sold.
Then he sees a pretty girl, Monkey looking at him and he stares back. A grumpy Shaman appears-Dennis.
Dennis: I don’t deal with time-wasters (to Monkey) Get over here and tend the stall. I’m off to the Slaughtered Prince for a pint.
Dennis leaves as Tommy walks up to the stall. The stall holds many colourful crystal or glass flowers, ranging for bluebells to white snowdrops, red roses to yellow daffodils.
Monkey: See anything you like?
Tommy: These ones, the blue ones.. How-how much are they?
Monkey: Hmmm… they might cost the colour of your hair or they might cost all of your memories before you were three. I can check if you’d like, but you shouldn’t buy the bluebells.
She picks up a small, white, glass snowdrop.
Monkey: Buy this one instead. Snowdrop, it will bring you luck.
Tommy: But what does that cost?
Monkey: This one… costs a kiss.
She tucks the flower into his coat and taps her cheek. Tommy leans over to kiss her but she turns her head and catches his lips.
Monkey: Is he gone? Follow me.
She walks up the caravan stairs, where Tommy sees a chain on the floor and kneels to pick it up. It’s tied around her ankle.
Monkey: I’m a princess, trickled into being a shaman’s slave. Would you free me?
Tommy takes out his knife and cuts the chain in two places, severing a piece, but the chain just reconnects.
Monkey: It’s an enchanted chain. I’ll only be free when he dies, sorry.
Tommy: Well, if I can’t free you, what can I do?
She smiles and gestures to the caravan, pulls him inside, and shuts the caravan doors. We pull up from the yellow caravan, high above Market Town, where the landscape fades into a map – the wall is dividing England from Stormhold.
Narrator: So the scientist was wrong, and for so many years, the wall had done its job successfully hiding the Magical Kingdom of Stormhold.
The map turns to the village of Wall on the other side and descends until we see Naboo at a door, with a basket.
Narrator: Tommy returned home, hoping his adventure would soon be forgotten, but nine months later he got an unexpected souvenir.
He opens the door, holding a lantern. Naboo hands him a basket with a sleeping baby.
Naboo: This was left at the wall for you. Says here his name’s Howard.
Tommy looks delighted and takes the child without question, closing the door on the cold night.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Two-Love, Hate and Family Fueds”]Chapter Two-Love, Hate and Family Fueds

Narrator: Eighteen years came and went, and Howard grew up knowing nothing of his strange heritage.
The door of Tommy’s house opened and Howard Thorn walks out. He has small brown eyes, with short brown hair and a small moustace, but with none of his father’s looks (thank god!).
Tommy: Don’t forget the flowers.
Howard: Yes, I’ve got them.
Howard walks off down the path towards another house.
Narrator: But never mind how the he became a boy. This is the story of how Howard Thorn becomes a man and how he achieved the heart of his one true love.
Howard, holding his small bouquet of simple flowers, fiddles with his clothes, then takes a pebble from the ground and throws it at a window. Inside, Victoria Gideon and two other girls, Neon and Ultra are in their nightgowns. At the sound, they gasp and rush to the window and open it.
Gideon: Joey!
Howard stands awkwardly below.
Howard: No, it-it’s me, Howard.
Gideon: Oh. Did I leave something at the shop again?
Howard: No, actually, I brought you some-
His speech is cut off when his flowers are whipped out of his hands by a cane – Joey Moose has arrived, dressed poshly with bought roses and a smug expression.
Joey: Well, well, Howard Thorn. Shop boy by day, peeping tom by night. Is there no end to your talents? (looks at the flowers) Ah, were those for Victoria then?
He forcefully pokes Howard in the chest with his cane.
Howard: Ow!
Gideon: Joey, be nice to the poor boy.
Howard looks up towards Victoria’s window in disbelief, then grabs a stick and stands ready to fence with Joey. He easily parries, knocks Howard in the chest and sweeps his feet out from under him.
Joey: You were always useless at fencing in school, Howard.
He smirks and strolls off. Victoria looks to Howard.
Gideon: Are you all right?
Howard: Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.
The girls giggle and Victoria shuts the window, making Howard walk home rejected.
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The next morning, Tommy is at his kitchen table. He pulls out his pocketwatch and checks the time, as Howard hurries down the stairs, tying his necktie.
Tommy: Want some breakfast?
Howard: No, I’m really late for work.
Tommy: You all right?
Howard: Yeah, fine. Why?
Tommy: Oh, I don’t know. So last night, how’d it go?
Howard: Oh. R-really good. Really, really good.
Howard vanishes out the door to his job at the local shop. A little later, Victoria walks down the street, parasol in her hand, heading for the shop – Tony Harrison & Sons. She walks in and Howard is working behind the counter. Victoria walks in, passing a long line of people, stopping beside the woman he was serving, interrupting.
Gideon: Hello, Howard.
Howard: Victoria-
Gideon: A pound of sugar, please.
Howard: Uh, yes.
Gideon: Let’s see, a bag of flour, a dozen eggs. I’m sorry about last night, Joey was really rude. I also need a sack of potatoes and some chocolate, please.
Victoria smiles overly sweetly at the grumpy old woman whose place she took. Howard is rushing around to gather her things.
Howard: May I see you tonight?
Gideon: No, but you can walk me home.
Howard: What, now?
Gideon: Mmhmm.
Howard hurridly gathers the groceries.
Howard: Yes, yes.
He hurries out after her. Behind them, Tony Harrison is frowning.
Back at the Thorn house, Howard is talking to his reflection in a metal pan.
Howard: Dad, I’ve lost my job. Father… I lost my job. I’m sorry. Dad-
Tommy: You lost your job. Yes, so I heard.
He is standing at the door, just arrived.
Howard: I’m sorry. Maybe Tony Harrison is right and maybe I am deluding myself. I’m not good enough for Victoria.
Tommy: He said that? Bullshit.
Howard (sighing): You really want to know how it went last night? Not good. Come on, I’m wasting my time. I’m not like Joey.
Tommy: Howard, I can tell you every man I ever envied when I was a boy has led an crap life. Now, I’d take that as a very good sign.
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Evening came and Howard is once again below Victoria’s window. He throws a pebble and hits the window, she looks out and is not pleased.
Gideon: Howard, I told you not-
Howard: I know, you told me not to come. I have a surprise for you.
Victoria groans and closes the window. Howard sighs and begins to walk off, but then Victoria appears at the door and joins him, putting her arm through his. He smiles at her.
Gideon: It’s not my birthday for another week, you know.
Howard has prepared an elaborate picnic in the field next to the wall, complete with candles in the trees, champagne, cake, grapes and so on.
Gideon: I’ve never had champagne before.
Howard: Me neither.
Gideon: This is really good!
She takes another sip, looks around and frowns.
Gideon: This must have been all your savings! A shop boy like you.
Howard: I’m not a shop boy anymore.
Gideon: Oh, I heard, I’m sorry.
Howard: No, I mean I’m not a shop boy. I was just working in a shop for the time being. I never intended to stay in Wall, Victoria. There’s a big world out there to see.
Gideon: You sound like Joey. He’s quite the traveller, in fact he’s going to Ipswich to get me a ring.
Howard: Ipswich? Victoria, I’m talking about London, Paris-Hang on, a ring? What for?
Gideon: Rumour is he’s planning to propose to me on my birthday.
Howard (shocked): Propose? And you’re going to say yes?
Gideon: Well, I can’t say no after he’s done that.
Howard: Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I’d cross oceans!
She smiles and takes another sip.
Howard: I’d go to the golden fields of San Francisco and bring you back your weight in gold.
They’re leaning in to kiss.
Howard: I’d go to the Arctic and… slaughter a polar bear and bring you back it’s head…
Victoria, who has been amused by this, suddenly pulls back.
Gideon: A polar bear’s head?
Howard looks ashamed.
Gideon: I should probably go.
Howard: Let’s finish the champagne first
Narrator: If Howard had known that the stars watched, he would have been horrified at the idea of an audience to his humiliation. At that time, every star was watching the king of Stormhold on his deathbed. This was ironic, as it was the king’s final act that would change the course of Tristan’s destiny.
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The Stormhold was carved out of the peak of Mount Huon by the first lord of Stormhold. It was perched high in the sky, where the thunder clouds gathered before they went down to the lower air, spilling rain and lightening upon the land below. The eighty-first lord of Stormlord, Bryan Ferry lay dying in his chamber, summoning his children to his bedside.
Bryan: Of my seven sons, only three of you are still here to see me off. This is a break in trandition boys.
The ghosts of his four dead sons floated behind his deathbed. The Betamax Bandit-who died from freezing to death, Kodiak Jack-died from being burnt to death, Lester Corncrake-who died from a axe to the head and the Ape of Death-pushed off a cliff
The four sons that still lived were Bainbridge, the Hitcher and Spider. They stood waiting patiently for the news they’ve all been waiting for.
Byran: Now for the matter of sucession (to Fossil) Where is your sister, Monkey?
Fossil: I dunno, we haven’t seen her in years.
Bryan: Bainbridge, the throne of Stormhold can only be passed to a male heir.
Bainbridge: So why would I have to kill my sister before I kill these ballbags?
Bryan: Bainbridge, go over to the window and tell me what you see.
He walks over to the large window overlooking the land.
Bainbridge: I see nothing but the stars and the land below, father man.
Bryan: Hitcher, you go to the window now.
Hitcher: Like the geezer said, father. Just the land and clouds below and the stars above.
Bryan: Spider. Window. Now.
Spider: I see a star, man.
Bryan (smiling): Bring me closer to the window.
The sons carry their father to a comfy seat next to the window. Bryan then held up a ruby necklace from around his neck and the red disappeared from the jewel, it floated up before flying off into the starry sky, where it vanished with the other stars.
Bryan: We’ll deal with this sucession a different way. Whoever brings back the stone with the colour back inside it, which holds the power of Stormhold, will become the next lord.
The brothers, both living and dead, watch as their father took his last breath, then turned back to the window the see a large, bright star fall from the skies to the ground, knowing that the necklace was somehow responsible for it.
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Back at Wall, Howard and Victoria also saw the star fall.
Gideon: Oh look, a falling star.
Howard: For your hand in marriage, I will happily get you that star.
Gideon: Alright then, if you get me that star before my birthday, I’ll marry you instead of Joey
Howard: Do you mean it?
Gideon (smiling): Of course.
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Back at Stormhold, the star continues to fall as Saboo watched, his dark eyes watching its path like an eagle, before he slips back into the large home he shared with his sisters.
Saboo: Antrax, Ebola, wake up.
Antrax/Ebola: What is it?
Saboo: A star has fallen.
The sisters get up excitedly as Saboo goes to a cabinet, finding it empty.
Saboo: Where are all the Babylon candles?
Antrax: You used the last one 200 years ago, remember?
Ebola: Maybe we could get another one?
Saboo: You speak as if they were freely found, one of the most rarest things in the land? Besides, there could already be another witch after it already.
The three aged and wrinkled witches brought out a ferret from one of the many cages of animals they owned and coldly sliced the animal open, checking its entrails.
Antrax: It fell a hundred miles from here, but who will go and fetch it?
They all reached in the animal’s body, Saboo taking a sneaky look for the organ he really wanted and they each take one out.
Antrax: I have its liver
Ebola: I have its stomach.
Saboo (smugly): and I have its heart.
His sisters are displeased, but accept it. They bring over a small box with a bright light inside, a star.
Ebola: You’ll be needing some youth then, be careful there’s not much left.
Saboo snatches whatever it is inside and facing a mirror, he lifts it to his mouth and pushes in the star that shines with a clear blue light. The effect is immediate, his skin tightens and brightens, and in moments, he is young and healthy once more. He turns around to face his sisters, who nod approvingly but with envy. Saboo throws off his robe and smirks, enjoying his youth, while the sisters roll their eyes. He looks back at the mirror and admires himself, before dressing in cleaner clothes.
Saboo: Do not worry, my sisters. When I return with the heart of the star, we shall enough youth that will last us for years.
He picks up a wicked looking dagger before walking out of the house, a purpose in mind.
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The star continues to fall, lower and lower before it smashes into the forest below, making a large carter. When the dust and light dies down, a pale form of a young man with black hair and wearing silver robes is lying in the carter, clearly in pain.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Three-The Stars Meet”]

Chapter Three-The Stars Meet.

Howard approches the gap in the wall where Naboo was still guarding, complete with hooka.
Naboo: Tommy Thorn, not again!
Howard: No, it’s me Howard thorn
Naboo: Oh. You do look a bit like your father. And I bet you want to cross the wall as well, do you?
Howard (suspecting): Cross the wall as well as who?
Naboo: No one, nobody crosses the wall! You know that! Everybody knows that.
Howard: You know, I know. I understand, nobody. Well I better head home then.
Naboo: Good night Howard.
Howard: Good night.
Howard begins to walk away, then turns, runs and tries to cross the wall, but Naboo, in spite of his old age, manages to stop him by flipping over the wall and swinging his staff, giving Howard some nice bruises in the process.
Naboo: Off you go.
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Back at the Thorn house, Tommy comes down the stairs to find Howard holding cold meat to his head.
Tommy: Was it that Joey again?
Howard: No. No, it was Naboo at the wall.
Tommy: He’s over 300 years old.
Howard: Well, he’s had a lot of time to practice.
Tommy is sitting beside him now.
Tommy: Why were you trying to cross the wall?
Howard: I might ask you the same thing.
Tommy winces at the statement and tells Howard to follow him to the attic.
Howard: I have a mother. I mean, everyone has a mother, but… she could still be alive.
Tommy: Oh, I hope so. I’d certainly like to think so. Your mother was marvolous, even though see smelt of peanuts and drank her own pee.
He gives Howard the baby basket he arrived in, showing him the remaining piece of chain and…
Howard (smiling): The glass snowdrop.
Tommy holds up a rolled note that was also in the basket.
Tommy: I’ve never opened it. It’s addressed to you.
Howard unrolls it and a black candle falls out of the bottom, which he hands to his father. He begins to read and a voice-over changes to Monkey and we see her writing the note in Dennis’s caravan, baby Howard in the basket beside her.
Monkey: My dearest Howard, please know that I only ever wanted the best for you. Had my master allowed it, I would have kept you in a heartbeat. I hope you will understand and forgive me. My dearest wish is that we will meet someday, and remember that the fastest way to travel is by candlelight and think only of me.
All my love, Your mother.
Howard (smile widening): Do you have a light?
Tommy finds a match and strikes it on the floor, then lights the candle Howard holds. The candle brightens as he thinks of his mother and Howard vanishes in a bright gold light, leaving his father alone.
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Somewhere in a clearing in Stormhold, there was a wordless scene where Vince, the fallen star pulls himself up, picks up the necklace next to him and puts it on. His raven hair was almost hidden by the darkness, but when the moonlight hit it, it shone a beautiful deep blackish blue colour. His bright blue eyes shone as bright as the rest of the stars in the sky.
He is still pained by his ankle, which was slightly sprained. A bright gold light with a faint outline of a person shoots towards and into him. The light fades and Howard crashes into him, knocking him over.
Howard: Mother? Oh! Oh, mother. I’m so sorry. Are you all right?
Vince: No, I’m not and I’m not your mother. I might look it, but I’m not, so get off me!
Howard backs off.
Howard: No, sorry. Are you all right? Do you want some help?
Vince (annoyed): Help by leaving me alone!
Howard: All right…
He begins to walk away, talking to himself
Howard: Oh my God! “Light the candle and think of me”. I was, I was thinking of my mo… but then Victoria and the star just… (to Vince) Oh, excuse me, sorry, this may seem strange but have you seen a fallen star anywhere?
Vince: Oh, you’re funny.
Howard: No, really. We’re in a crater, this must be where it fell.
Vince (sarcastic): Yeah, this where it fell. It is, or if you want to be really specific up there (pointing to the sky) is where this weird bloody necklace (shows him the necklace) came out of nowhere and knocked it out of the heavens where it was minding its own business. And over there is where it landed. And right here, here is where it got hit by a magical flying idiot!
Howard (amazed): You’re the star? Really? Oh, wow! I’m sorry, I didn’t expect you to be a… Oh, and may I just say for advanced that I’m sorry.
Vince: Sorry for what?
Howard: For this.
Howard takes out a chain and ties it around Vince’s wrist.
Howard: Now, this means you have to come with me. See, you’re going to be a birthday gift for Victoria, my true love.
Vince (incredulous): Of course! Nothing says “romance” like a kidnapped, injured man! I’m not going anywhere with you!
Howard: Fine. I was going to let you go afterwards, send you home.
Vince: Just how do you think you were going to get me home?
Howard turns back, the half candle in his hand.
Howard: I find the fastest way to travel is by candlelight.
Vince, still sitting in his carter, spins around.
Vince: You have a Babylon candle?
Howard: Yes, a bubbling candle.
Vince: A Babylon candle.
Howard: That’s what I said.
Vince (smirking): No, you said ‘bubbling’.
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A small cottage farm in the middle of the country. Old Gregg, a funky merman is outside seeing to his white goat, when suddenly Saboo is standing before him, looking very out of place in his fine clothes.
Saboo: I would like to buy your lovely goat for my chariot.
Gregg sees the metal chariot he has brought.
Gregg: Gregg thinks he’s a bit small to pull your chariot, sir.
Saboo: You’re right
He reaches out and touches Gregg’s forehead and soon there is a brown-haired goat beside the white one.Saboo rides away from the cottage with two goats pulling his chariot. He looks down in horror at his arm, which as wrinkled from him using magic.
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In Stormhold palace, Spider is standing by his father’s coffin with the crown on a pillow atop it. The bishop/erotic adventurer of the most deranged kind, Kirk approaches.
Kirk: I should like to see you take the throne. the first benevolent king
Hitcher and Bainbridge enter from one side.
Kirk gestures to an aide who brings a tray with four cups of wine. Each man takes one.
Kirk (toasting the princes): To the new king of Stormhold, whichever of you fine fellows it might be.
They acknowledge him and sip their drinks. Then Kirk coughs, jerks, then begins to choke. Bainbridge furrows his brows and looks. Kirk jerks a little more, then collapses forward, dead. Spider chortles nervously as they eye each other suspiciously, then his eyes suddenly open wide, he chokes and falls forward, dead.
Bainbridge (to Hitcher): You…
He clutches throat and chokes, falls backward onto floor. The Hitcher smiles, incredulous and very pleased, and picks up the crown as if to put it on his head.
Bainbridge (suddenly breaks into laughter, sitting up): You really thought that you were king, you stupid ballbag?
Hitcher: You killed the bishop, ya slag.
Bainbridge stands up.
Bainbridge: No, I think you’ll find that you killed the bishop – by drinking from the wrong cup! Oh, when you’re done wrestling with your conscience, I suggest you return to your chamber. Leave the quest for the stone to me.
The Hticher leaves the palace city, driving a large carriage with luggage on top and four black stallions. All the ghosts are in the carriage asleep, except for the freaked-looking, now dead Spider. Bainbridge leaves the city on horseback, with five men.
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Saboo drives up to Dennis, who is camping in front of her caravan. Dennis pretends to be a plain old man.
Saboo: Oh, I know what you are, and I swear by the magichood that binds us both… that I mean you no harm today. I just wish to share your meal.
Dennis turns Monkey back from being a bird just so she can pick up a stool, carry it to Saboo, and put it down.
Monkey: Will there be anything else?
Dennis: No.
He turns her back into a bird and whacks each end of the animal she’s cooking.
Dennis: Heads or tails?
The two os them eat together.
Dennis: What are you doing out here?
Saboo: I seek to find a star, one has fallen nearby. Then I and my sisters shall cut out his heart while he lives and the glory of our youth shall be restored!
He pauses, realising he did not mean to say any of that, let alone all of it. He looks at his plate, realising what happened.
Saboo: Limbus grass! You dare steal truth from me by feeding me this animal cooked in limbus grass? Do you have any idea what a terrible mistake you have made, Head shaman Dennis?
Dennis: How do you know my… who are you?
Saboo: Look again.
Saboo glares and his entire face changes to a dark, horrible thing that thoroughly frightens Dennis, who kneels.
Dennis: I shall not seek the star, Dark Majesty, I swear.
Saboo: Seek it you wish, you will never find it.
His green fire spins from her finger and he casts a spell on Dennis.
Dennis: You shall not see the star, touch it, smell or hear. You will not see him even if he stands right before you. Pray you never meet me again, Head shaman Dennis.
Dennis is left a little dazed as Saboo’s cart drives away, more wrinkles appearing on his arm from the magic used.
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Howard and Vince are walking through the woods in the late morning. Howard is carrying his coat, while Vince limps a short distance behind him, linked by the silver chain and complaining.
Vince: You said you know where you’re going, just because and I quote ‘you do’
Howard: I do! I’m not sure why, maybe it’s my love for Victoria guiding me home (looking at the evening star) you can see it even… by… day…
He trails off as he realises he can’t see the star anymore. Vince rolls his eyes dramatically and goes to a tree, where he sits down.
Howard: What are you doing?
Vince: What’s it look like I’m doing? I’m sitting down, I’m tired.
Howard: You can’t sit down now. We agreed to stop at the next town for food and rest.
Vince: Come on, Howard. It’s almost noon, I never stay up this late.
Howard: Alright, fine. You stay there and I’ll go and find us soemthing to eat.
Howard walks around the tree, bringing the chain around to meet itself, where it links and attatches.
Vince: What are you doing?
Howard: What’s it look like I’m doing? Making sure you don’t escape.
Vince: Where to? It may have escaped your notice, but that’s when stars have better things to be doing. You know, like coming out, shining, that sort of thing.
His moans were on deaf ears as Howard moves into the trees for food.
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At south Stormhold by the sea, huge chunks of ice are on the shore. Bainbridge stands by the water and several of his men lead two soothesayers, Lance Dior and Harold Boom towards the prince.
Bainbridge: South you said, south we came. Do we now start swimming?
Lane: My lord, we only relayed what the runes have told us.
Bainbridge: Am I the seventh son?
Harold throws the runes. They land and four designs are facing up.
Harold: Yes.
Bainbridge: Another question. Is my favourite colour blue?
Lance throws the runes. They land and four designs are facing up again.
Lance: Yes.
Bainbridge: Has excessive begging or pleading ever persuaded me to spare the life of any traitors?
Harold throws the runes. They land and four blanks show this time.
Harold: No.
Bainbridge: Now, throw them high.
Lance does so. Before they land, Bainbridge asks:
Bainbridge: Do you work for my brother?
The runes fall and four designs show. He stabs both Lance and Harold, who fall dead. He picks up the runes…
Bainbridge: Do we continue west?
…and throws them up.
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Where the shot switches to Saboo’s black runes as they fall down into his hand. He examines them, clenches them in his fist and walks back to his chariot. The wind is streaming at his hat, as he rubs the ring on his finger and his image appears in a mirror at his home.
Antrax: You should avoid using magic, brother. You shouldn’t even be using the ring as well, it’s already beginning to show.
Saboo holds up his arms, each age-spotted.
Saboo: A goat and a small enchantment. Hardly powerful enough.
Ebola: You should be using your runes.
Saboo: I was, but now they’re just telling me bullshit.
The sisters grumble and pull a crocodile from one cage. The slice it open and begin to read the entrails.
Antrax: That’s because he’s coming to you!
Ebola: Oh, but be warned, brother. His heart is dark with misery.
Antrax: You must set a trap, one that will warm his heart.
Night-time soon settled across Stromhold, Saboo stops at a crossroads and faces a large, empty streatch of land. He turns both her goats into people, Old Gregg back into himself and the white goat into a very simple-brained man. He then turns Gregg into a woman and turns the chariot into a large, two-storied inn. The three of them walk inside as Saboo’s green fire swirls around, creating everything from chandeliers to chairs to a roaring fireplace. His clothes have changed to a plain, sensible brown waistcoat and trousers and turns to the others, first the goat and then the ‘girl’.
Saboo: You are Billy the innkeeper. I am your business partner and you are our waitress. And now the trap is set.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Four-The Trap and The Ship”]

Chapter Four-The Trap and The Ship.

Back in the forest, Vince was jumping at any sounds of movement.
Vince (scared): Hello? Who’s there? Howard? This isn’t funny!
From the brush comes a unicorn, Vince smiles and reaches out toward it. The unicorn touches the chain and dissolves it, before kneeling before Vince could climb upon its back.
They ride through the woods, while Vince is talking to his mount.
Vince: Maybe he would’ve kept his promise. I just refuse to listen to him anymore. I mean Victoria this, Victoria that!
Howard returns to the tree, but Vince is gone. He calls out, but no answer came. Sighing, frustrated, he sits by the tree and puts down the bottle he’s bought, and begins to eat from the bread. He falls asleep and above him, the stars begin to whisper. He hears them in his sleep, then after he wakes.
Stars: Howard… Vince is in grave danger. The unicorn came to help him, but now they are walking into a trap. No star is safe in Stormhold.
Flashback shots of a red-haired woman in a silver dress like Vince’s robes, lying in a crater and being helped up by old, knarled hands.
Stars: The last one fell four hundred years ago and was captured by the same witches who seek Vince now.
Then she is being walked through the witches’ manor home, escorted by two old women. Then she is lying on a table, glowing and looking totally content.
Stars: They tricked her, cared for her, and when her heart was once more aglow, they cut it from her chest and ate it.
Howard wakes with a start and looks at the stars.
Stars: There’s no time to waste. A coach is coming and by any means possible you must get on it. Run!
He runs through the forest and the Hitcher’s carriage approaches. Inside it, all the ghosts are asleep. Howard runs and runs and tries to jump onto it, but crashes into the carriage with a bang and falls. The ghosts are jarred awake and the Hitcher stops the carriage and climbs down, drawing his sword and putting it at the neck of Howard, who is still on the ground.
Hitcher: If Bainbridge insists on sending a boy to do a man’s job…
Howard: No! Please, I don’t know any Bainbridge. I just need a lift. Look at me, I’m unarmed. Please, let me ride with you.
The Hitcher pulls his sword back but shakes his head, returning to his carriage.
Hitcher: I’m afraid that’s impossible, boy. I’m on a journey of great importance.
Howard: That’s a great reason to take me with you. You might need a second pair of hands. Sir, please. Maybe fate sent me to you as it sent you to me.
There is a short pause. Then:
Hitcher: Get on.
Howard: Oh, thank you.
He climbs on and they ride off.
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At the inn, Vince has arrived on the unicorn. Saboo opens the door, overacting the part of a kindly innkeeper.
Saboo: Oh my, you must be freezing. Come in, we’ll get you out of your wet things. And perhaps a hot bath, too.
He gently leads Vince in, then glares at the unicorn, who seems suspicious of her, and slams the door on it.
Saboo: My business partner will see to your mount. Billy!
Billy, who has been chewing a washcloth, jumps onto the bar, then down the other side and walks past. Vince just stares and Saboo groans in his hands.
Saboo: How do you like your bath? Warm or hot?
Vince: I…don’t know.
Saboo tells Vince to follow him, as he fills the bath in west of the inn, Vince relaxes in the waters as Saboo leans over and subtly puts his finger in the water, magically healing Vince’s ankle.
Saboo: And your ankle?
Vince (smiling): That’s amazing.
He is beginning to shine again as Saboo leads him upstairs and turns down the bed.
Saboo: I’m told I have a healer’s hands. I could give you a massage.
Vince (confused): What’s a massage?
Saboo (fake-shocked): What-never had a massage? Let me show you.
Saboo guides Vince to lay down and close his eyes. A knife is under the bed and he’s reaching for it when there is a knock at the door. Saboo excuses himself and moves out the door angrily.
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The Hitcher and Howard have arrived at the inn, the prince knocking while Howard holds the horses.
Howard: Perhaps we should try the next inn, if the stone is as close as your runes say.
Hitcher: I’ll try it one more time, boy.
Billy opens the latch with his teeth.
Hitcher: Ah, at last, squire. We need somewhere for the night mate. Howard here will help you with the horses
Billy just grunts, gaining an odd look from The Hitcher who walks in. He sees the bath and sighs in gladness and a minute later he slips into the water.
Upstairs, Saboo opens a bottle of poison and pours it into a cup and downstairs, Vince waks in dressed in his bathrobe, the necklace visible. The Hitcher assumes he is the master of the inn and talks with him. Vince is not quite understanding the prince and tries to excuse himself.
Hitcher: I’ve just stabled my four black stallions and my carriage. I say mine, it belongs to my late father, the poor geezer.
The ghosts see the necklace and snap at him, who of course doesn’t hear them.
Saboo enters, the poison wine on a tray in her hand.
Saboo: I’ll thank you not to disturb my guests, sir. I am the master of this inn. Some wine?
Primus (hesitating): No thanks mate, I’ll only drink my own wine until my brother’s dead. But perhaps my friend in the stables woul like some…
Saboo forces a smile and gives the tray to Old Gregg, who walks outside.
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In the stables, Howard is putting away the horses when the girl/Gregg walks in. Howard smiles at her.
Howard: Oh, thank you. What’s your name?
Bernard replies in a very high, male voice.
Girl/Gregg: I’m Old Gregg.
Howards brow furrows as ‘she’ walks out. The unicorn breaks out of its stall and towards him, knocking him over and spilling the drink. Tristan looks up and the unicorn’s foreleg is pointing towards the fallen liquid, which is burning into the floor. Howards eyes widen and he gets up and runs to the inside of the inn.
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In the main inn, Saboo is storming about upstairs and fetching his knife. Hitcher finally notices Vince’s necklace.
Primus: You have no idea what you’re dealing with, boy.
Vince glances down at it, rather confused.
Howard bursts in, soaked.
Howard: Prince Hitcher!
But it’s too late as Saboo has returned and slits The Hitcher’s throat. The blood is blue and the ghosts cringe and watch as a ghostly Hitcher appears with them. Spider points down and The Hitcher realises he died naked.
Howard has run to Vince and they try to escape, but Saboo sends his green fire all around them and approaches with the knife.
Saboo: A frightened heart is better than no heart at all.
Howard has pulled out the stub of the Babylon candle.
Howard: Hold me tight and think of home.
Vince grabs him and Howard puts his hand with the candle into the fire. The candle ignites as Saboo stabs at them and they vanish, his knife splits against the wall.
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Howard and Vince find themselves standing on a cloud, in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Howard: What did you do?
Vince: What did I do? What did you do?
Howard: You were supposed to think of my home!
Vince: You just said “home”! So, you thought of your home and I thought of mine, and now we’re halfway between the two!
Howard: Some crazy man’s about to cut your heart out and you want better instructions? How about a diagram, or an illustration?
Their argument is cut short however, when a net catches them and they are dumped on the deck of a flying ship, the El Sonido Nuevo. The crew on board argue about why they might be there. The Captain, Rudi appear dressed in brown trousers and a white shirt, with a black waist-jacket over it.
Rudi: Why else would anyone be up here in a storm? Well, let’s think… maybe for the same reason we are! Let’s just let them spend a night in the brig to loosen their tounges.
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Morning came at the site of the inn. Everything is gone, save for Saboo’s overturned cart, a dead white goat and The Hitcher’s body in the tub, his blood having turned all the water blue.
Bainbridge and his men have arrived and he realises he’s now king, but still needs the stone.
Bainbridge (walking back to his men): I’m king now! But I still need that stone for the power of Stormhold.
He stands by the cart and jumps as something grabs his ankle. Old Gregg, back to his normal self, crawls out from underneath it. Bainbridge holds a knife to his throat and demands information.
Gregg: Old Gregg just heard that Hitcher fella talk about a stone this young man wore, who was the target of a trap set by a man you should pray you’ll never meet.
Bainbridge: Was this ‘powerful’ man after my stone?
Gregg: No, he wanted to the young man’s heart, to cut it out…
Bainbridge:…and eat it. So, this young man’s a star and if I eat his heart when I become King, I’ll rule this kingdom forever
Saboo meanwhile contacts his sisters again, who critcise him.
Antrax: The star is airbourne, you’ll never get him now.
Ebola: We’ll contact you once he’s landed.
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In the brig on the flying ship, Vince and Howard are tied back-to-back, drying slowly.
Vince (slightly scared): They’re going to kill us, aren’t they?
Howard (sighing): I don’t know.
Vince: You know, I used to watch people having adventures and I envied them.
Howard: You ever heard the expression “Be careful of what you wish for”?
Vince (angry): So I deserve to be hunted for my heart!
Howard: I didn’t mean it like that. Look, I admire your dream. A shop boy like me, I never imagined an adventure this big. I just thought I’d find some celestial rock, take it home and that would be it.
Vince: Instead, you got me.
They laugh a little and the mood lightens a bit.
Vince: If I’ve learnt one thing from all my years watching Earth, is that people aren’t what they may seem. There are shop boys and there are boys that just happened to work in a shop for the time being.
Howard smiles, recalling his own words to Victoria.
Vince: And trust me Howard, you’re no shop boy. You saved my life, mate. Thanks.
Their hands are tied back to back and Vince manages to reach out to brush his fingers with Howard’s, unfortunatly his burnt fingers, so he winces a little.
Vince: Tell me about this Victoria then.
Howard: Well, she… she…
Howard trails off, not knowing what to say.
Howard: There’s nothing else to tell you really.
Vince: The only thing I know about love is that it’s unconditional. It’s not something you can buy.
Howard: Hang on! This wasn’t about me trying to buy her love, this was to prove to her how I felt.
Vince: Right… and what’s she doing to prove how she feels about you?
Howard: Well…
He realises Vince has a very good point.
Tristan: Look Vince, you’ll understand when you meet her, all right? If we don’t get murdered by pirates first.
Vince (sarcastically): Mmm… Murdered by pirates, heart ripped out and eaten, meeting Victoria… I can’t quite decide which sounds more fun…
Then the door opens and Rudi enters to interrogate his prisoners. The crew peek through a small hole, but mostly they just listen.
Rudi: This is the part where you tell me who you are and why you’re here.
Howard: My name is Howard Thorn and this is my husband.
Rudi: He’s too good for just one man. It’s share and share alike on this ship!
Outside, the crew cheer and Vince looks terrified.
Howard: Leave him alone!
Rudi: You might think you’re being brave in front of your friend, but if you talk like that again I’ll cut out your tounge and feed it to the dogs…
Howard: Sir…
Rudi: Better, but you’re still interrupting me.
Howard: We’re just trying to get home to my village of Wall
Rudi (surprised): What?
Howard: We’re trying to get home to Wall.
Rudi: That’s one lie too many, sonny Jim!
He grabs at Howard and outside, the crew chatter excitedly.
Crewman: Captain’s gonna throw him overboard!
Rudi’s crew hurry up onto deck and to the rail just in time to see Rudi throw out of the window a figure that certainly looks like Howard, which falls to earth and vanishes. Rudi appears on deck, dragging Vince with him towards his cabin.
Rudi: I’m not to be disturbed for the next four hours. Anyone who does so, I’ll do the same to you.
Crewman: You mean…?
He makes a gesture towards Vince.
Rudi: No, I mean throw you overboard!
Crewman: Oh.
Rudi throws Vince in.
Rudi: Get in, wench!
He locks the doors and turns toward Vince. Howard is standing by the window in his undergarments and Rudi reaches out a very gentlemanly hand to Vince.
Rudi: Now, tell me of my beloved England, I want to know everything.
Vince: I can’t believe your crew fell for that. And where in God’s name you get that mannaquin?
Rudi turns a lamp ninety degrees, revealing a secret closet filled with flamboyant, brightly coloured clothes and robes. He offers Vince choice of any clothing inside.
Vince smiles and begins to look through the racks. Rudi takes out a set of men’s clothes and holds them up to Howard, then places some purple robes on himself, taking the short wig he was wearing off to reveal a large afro.
Rudi: We only have two hours before we make port.
He has Howard in front of a mirror, wearing the new trousers and shirt.
Rudi: I used to dream of crossing the Wall to England in much the same way that you, Howard dream of traveling to far away places for adventure. In Stormhold, stories of England were folklore and I wished to find the new sound there.
He then has Howard in a chair and is giving him a haircut. First he cuts all the hair short, then uses some sort of magic comb to lengthen it until Howard looks very, very femenine. Vince is sitting nearby in his new blue robes, looking lovely.
Rudi: When I’m done, your own mother won’t recognise you. Anyway, my father used to own this ship and when he died I took over it. The crew has never known about me being a High Preist of the English Psychedelic Monks, I’d lose their respect otherwise and I need them to help me find my new sound.
Howard: Why can’t you be yourself?
Vince (hypocritical): Why would anyone do that?
Howard clearly gets the point.
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Rudi, dressed as the daring captain once more, and his men take a large crate into a dingy room. The door says “Spirit of Jazz’s Office” and Vince is with them, looking lovely with his hair tied up.
Rudi: 10,000 bolts of high-quality lightning right here. Seeing as I’m feeling particularly generous today I’ll settle for two hundred guineas.
Spirit of Jazz: Two hundred? You’re kidding, man (to crew) Has he been staying up where the air’s too thin again?
The Spirit chuckles again, raising his hat quickly and making a “cuckoo” whistle, looking at Vince who is nodding with a bewildered look on his face.
Rudi (dead serious): You’re being very rude.
Spirit of Jazz drops the attempt at humour.
S.o.J: Not anymore.
Rudi: Two hundred.
S.o.J: 150
Rudi: Two hundred.
S.o.J: 185
Rudi: Two hundred.
S.o.J: That’s not negotiation, man. I’m changing my price.
Rudi: Two hundred.
S.o.J: 195
Rudi: Deal. And with sales tax that’s… two hundred.
S.o.J (giving up): Right.
He takes Rudi aside. Vince follows, but the spirit glares at him to ward him off. Vince stands back, but listens in.
S.o.J: Everyone’s talking about fallen stars, man. You seen anything like that on your travels?
Rudi: Stars?
He looks at Vince, who looks worried and clicks. He replies negative and they continue their discussion until Dennis walks in, hoping to get more magic.
Back at the Ship, the crew notice a strange man sitting on their cargo in the middle of the deck. It’s Howard, with new clothes, new haircut and faking smoking a pipe. The crew are ready to attack but Rudi stops them.
Rudi: My nephew, the notorious buccaneer Howard Thorn.
Howard tries to look heroic but coughs due to the pipe smoke.
Rudi: I have a gift for you.
He pushes Vince towards him and Howard is very courteous as he catches him, until he realises the crew expect otherwise, so he grabs Vince and shakes a fist, and the crew cheer. During their stay on the ship, Rudi teaches Howard to fight with his new sword, Howard has dinner with Vince in the captain’s cabin while Rudi pours their wine, he even teaches Vince to play the piano.
On deck of the ship one night, a pirate cranks a record player. The other pirates and Howard are sitting around watching as Rudi teaches Vince to dance. He’s glowing softly and Rudi talks softly into his ear.
Rudi: Vince… I know what you are.
Vince stops glowing, suddenly afraid.
Rudi: Have no fear, no one on this ship will harm you. But there are many that would. Your emotions give you away, Vince, you must learn to control them. You’ve been glowing more brightly every day and I think you know why.
Vince: Of course I know why I’m glowing, I’m a star! And what do stars do best?
Rudi: Well, certainly not the waltz.
Howard has stood up and now taps Rudi on the shoulder. He turns the dance over to Howard and as they dance, Vince glows again.
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A coin spins in midair in the Spirit of Jazz’s office.
Saboo: Due west, you say? And you’re sure he had a young man with him?
S.o.J briefly looks away from the coin to Saboo, who is circling the room and a shawl wrapped over his hair.
S.o.J: Yeah, man.
Saboo: You’re sure? Absolutely sure you’re not lying?
S.o.J: I’d cross my heart if I had one.
Saboo: You’d better be telling the truth, you two-faced dog.
S.o.J: I can get you one of them, actually, make excellent guard dogs. They can watch the back and the front door at the same time, can get you anything you want.
Saboo: What are the chances of getting a Babylon candle?
The spirit winces and begins to clean his ear. Saboo is picking up various objects, inspecting them before keeping a few and putting others down.
S.o.J: That one’s slim.
Saboo, irritated, points a finger directly into the spirit’s mouth.
Saboo: Enough.
The Spirit of Jazz tries to reply, but can only make parrot sounds. Saboo uncaringly picks up an ugly black wig and looks at it, before placing it on his now bald head and walking out
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The El Sonido Nuevo is awkwardly landing in a lake.
Crewman: Hold on! The captain’s at the helm!
Rudi is apparently not much of a pilot. They bounce a bit and Howard and Vince, who are at the bow and is enjoying the thrill of flight, completely soaked by the impact.
Rudi lets them off the ship. Vince is now wearing a pale blue cloak over his robes and Rudi gives Howard a canister of lightning.
Rudi: There you are, the road you need for Wall.
Vince: How can we ever thank you?
Rudi: Don’t mention it. No, really, don’t. Reputation and all.
Vince has already climbed down to the deck, but Rudi stops Howard and whispers something to him, making Vince curious.
Rudi: Just think about it.
Howard climbs down, looking pensive. Rudi farewells them gently, then remembers the presence of his crew.
Rudi: I mean… don’t you let that wench get away now!
The crew cheers, the first mate rolls his eyes.
They then started to walk across the countryside, away from the ship which is docked in the background.
Vince (still curious): What did he say to you?
Howard: Oh… just advice on how to use the lightning. You know, how much to bargain for it.
Vince doesn’t believe him.
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Bainbridge has tracked down the spirit and is questioning him, or is trying to. The Sprirt of Jazz can only make parrot sounds.
Bainbridge: Are you mocking me?
The jazz spirit shakes his head and tries to speak.
Bainbridge: You have seconds to live.
When the jazzy being still fails to give a good answer, Bainbridge stabs him. He walks away and hands the knife to a soldier.
Bainbridge: Clean this. Thoroughly.
Meanwhile, Saboo contacts his sisters again.
Antrax: He is no longer airbourne and is heading for the maket town.
Ebola: If you cut across the swamps, you should get their in time.
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Howard and Vince are walking and talking with each other, then Howard hears the approach of someone’s voice and quickly shoves Vince into the bushes, landing on top of him.
Howard: Sorry, but I don’t want to risk anyone seeing you.
Vince is glowing once more.
Vince: Aren’t you tempted?
Howard: Tempted by what?
Vince: Immortality. Let’s say it wasn’t my heart, not me either, just a star you didn’t know.
Howard (shocked): You seriously think I could kill anybody?
Vince smiles, indicating not. Howard laughs at himself.
Howard: Even if I could, I mean, everlasting life? It would be kind of lonely unless you had someone to share it with, someone you loved. Then it might be different.
He then looks away into the distance. Vince’s glow has ceased and he is saddened, as Howard doesn’t seem to be thinking of him.
The noise has passed and Howard stands and helps Vince up, then they continue to walk.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Five-Confessions, Magic and Misunderstandings”]

Chapter Five-Confessions, Magic and Misunderstandings.

On a hill above the docked El Sonido Nuveo, Bainbridge and his men are on horseback.
Bainbridge: Remember, men, Captain Rudi has a fierce reputation.
In the Captain’s cabin, a record of Santana is being turned on. Rudi is starting to have an ‘accident’ with his guitar, Miranda, while half naked below.
On the deck, Bainbridge’s men have their swords out, towards the pirates, and Bainbridge himself backs into the captain’s door.
The first mate eleganty twirls his hand and bows. In sync, the guards salute, pointing their swords forward, then drop them and bow. The crew attacks.
Bainbridge walks through the corridor and bursts into Rudi’s room.
Out of sight, in his closet, Rudi is dressed once more with his purple robe. His lower half is covered with his guitar and his eyes are closed in ectasy.
Up on deck, the fight is vicious, while Bainbridge going around the corner to see Captain Rudi. For a few long moments he stares until Rudi looks up from his guitar and notises him.
Bainbridge: What the hell is this?
Rudi storms towards him, which would be intimidating if he wasn’t wearing a guitar over his manhood..
Rudi: Who are you?
On deck, the pirates have won. In the cabin, Bainbridge has Rudi pinned to his own desk with a knife.
Bainbrdige: Alright, you intrumental rapist. Where’s the young man?
The pirates arrive and Bainbridge dives out the window, hitting the water and swimming away.
Rudi sits miserably at his desk. His crew stand by, concerned.
First mate: Did he hurt you, Captain?
Rudi shakes his head.
Crewman: Then what’s wrong?
Rudi: It’s… my reputation.
The crew shake their heads and protest.
Old sailor: That’s alright, Captain. We always knew you loved your guitar that way and you’re looking for something.
The old sailor is shoved to the back.
Crewman: You’re still our captain.
Heartened, Rudi shakes a first.
Rudi: Aaarg!
Crew (enthusiastically): Arrrg!
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Howard and Vince are still walking, Vince is wearing Howard’s coat over his cloak. They are chatting and happy.
Howard: You know you sort of glitter sometimes. Is that normal?
Vince (cheekily): Let’s see if you can work it out for yourself. What do stars do?
Howard (smiling): Attract trouble?
Vince shoves him and he laughs as he stumbles back a bit.
Howard: All right, I’m sorry. Let me do another guess. Is it: Do they know exactly how to annoy a boy called Howard Thorn?
They laugh as they reach a marker stone saying Wall is twenty miles away.
Vince: How far is that?
Howard: About two days walk.
Vince: But Victoria’s birthday is tomorrow.
Howard and Vince are hiding below the level of a road as Dennis’s caravan comes by. Vince recognises him.
Vince: I know him, he was at the bargaining shop.
They decide to climb up and Dennis stops his caravan. Monkey is still a bird, tethered to a perch, but she can see and hear everything. Dennis, of course, cannot see Vince.
Howard: Excuse me sir, can we-
Dennis (pointing): That’s my flower!
Howard looks at the crystal snowdrop tucked into his buttonhole.
Dennis: Eighteen years I’ve been missing that!
He gets down from his caravan.
Vince: It was a gift from his mother.
Howard: Since it’s obviously valuable to you, you can have it. In exchange for safe passage to Wall.
Vince: And food and lodging-
Dennis interrupts, because he cannot hear Vince. Howard gives Dennis the flower and he practically sighs in relief.
Dennis: Do you have any idea what it is you just gave me?
Howard: Some kind of lucky charm?
Dennis: A very lucky charm. Exactly the sort of charm that would have prevented me from doing this.
Dennis suddenly jerks his hand forward and pokes Howard’s forehead. A cloud of black smoke bursts out and suddenly on the ground where Howard stood is a small, rather adorable mouse. Dennis picks him up.
Dennis: I’ll keep my promise, mind you.
Vince tries to attack Dennis, but his limbs cannot touch the witch. A barrier of green light stops him everytime.
We hear Saboo’s voiceover: You will not see the star, hear it, touch it or smell it.
Dennis puts Howard in a small cage inside his caravan.
Dennis: Food and lodging, and I’ll let you out when we reach Wall.
Vince is standing in the door.
Vince: Oi, you spanner. Can’t you see or hear me?
Dennis ignores him.
Vince: I swear, if I don’t get my Howard back I will be your own personal ghost!
They are driving and Vince is standing in the caravan, Howard in his cage, not acting particularly human.
Vince: Howard, if you can understand me, give me a sign.
Howard-the-mouse moves, but it seems he’s only interested in the large hunk of cheese hanging behind him. Vince sighs and breaks off a piece, sitting by the cage and pushing it inside and Howard-the-mouse begins to nibble on it.
Vince: You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn’t true. I know a lot about love, I mean I’ve seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars, all that pain, lies, hate… It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves… You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional, but I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing. Well, what I’m trying to say, Howard is… I think I love you. Is this love, Howard? I never imagined I’d know it for myself. My heart… It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you and if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.
Howard-the-mouse has been looking at her, but there is no sign that he understands.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
At Market town, it is night-time. Dennis is driving his caravan through the cobblestone streets and stops near the pub, taking Howard from his cage. Vince keeps close by, as Dennisl puts him down and turns him back into a man.
Dennis: There you are. Mind, the head’s usually a bit fuzzy after transformation.
Howard is standing unsteadily.
Howard: You…
He pulls out his sword but collapses. dennis laughs as Vince kneels by him.
Dennis: I warned you!
Dennis leaves, chuckling. Vince leans over Howard, he is dazed and squinting.
Vince: Howard?
Howard (confused): Victoria!
Vince’s face falls.
Vince: I think I preferred “mother”. Come on, Victoria’s birthday’s not until tomorrow and you need some sleep.
Vince supports him and they walk to The Slaughtered Prince.
Howard wakes on the bed in the inn. A screen seperates him from Vince, who is in the bath. He gets up quietly and opens a small window and looks through.
Howard: Excuse me. I think you’re in my bath.
Vince (smiling): Close your eyes!
Howard backs away and chuckles, closing the window and turns around.
Howard: Honestly, I’m not looking. Here, I’ll turn away.
Vince walks out wrapped in a towel, brushing his hair.
Vince: Okay, you can open them now.
There is a brief pause as Howard seems to muster up the nerve to ask Vince something.
Howard: Did you really mean what you said in the caravan?
Vince: But… you were a mouse! You were a mouse… you wanted cheese! You didn’t… I asked you to give me a sign!
Vince has covered his mouth and nose with his hands, embarassed. Howard, amused, holds his shoulders.
Howard: And risk you being too embarrassed to keep saying lovely things to me?
Howard kisses his forehead.
Howard: You want to know what Rudi really whispered to me that day?
Vince nods.
Howard: He told me that my true love-
Vince begins to glow.
Howard:-was right in front of my eyes. And he was right.
They kiss hard and passionatly, before moving towards the bed.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Saboo is in the mirror again, talking to his sisters.
Ebola: Our star is heading towards Wall.
Saboo: Don’t you understand? Wall is not part of our universe. If he passes the wall he’ll become no more than a lump of metallic rock.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Morning came and Vince is asleep, glowing happily and curled in the sheets. Howard, in bed behind him, is still wearing his shirt and reaches back to pick up his small dagger. He cuts off a piece of Vince’s hair and wraps it in a handkerchief.
When he is fully dressed, Howard goes downstairs. He wakes the innkeeper, who is sleeping on a couch.
Howard: May I have some paper and a pen?
Innkeeper: You may…if you come back and ask at a decent hour.
Howard: I’m sorry, it has to be now. If my friend wakes up before I get back, will you give him a message.
Innkeeper (tiredly): Alright.
Upstairs, Vince wakes slowly and happy.
Vince: You know, that’s the first time I’ve slept through the night properly…
He rolls over to find Howard is gone. Vince appears downstairs, fully dressed, and approaches the innkeeper, who’s much more awake now.
Vince: Have you seen my friend?
Innkeeper: He left absurdly early.
Vince (confused): He left?
Innkeeper: He told me to tell you he’s gone to see Victoria. Because he’s sorry, but he’s found his true love, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.
Vince: What? Are you sure?
Innkeeper: I’m positive.
Vince is stunned and hurt and leaves the inn at a slow, mournful pace. Tears are running down his cheeks and he passes Dennis’s caravan, where Monkey is setting up stall. She sees him and calls out, but Vince doesn’t respond. He’s heading out of Market Town, towards Wall. Monkey tries to follow, but the chain around her ankle keeps her from getting far from the caravan.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
In Wall, Howard is walking towards Victoria’s house. He picks up a pebble to throw, but instead knocks at the door. Victoria, in her nightgown, answers.
Howard: Happy birthday.
Gideon (impressed and shocked): Howard? What happened to you?
Howard: I found the star.
Gideon: I can’t believe you did it (eagerly) Where’s my star? Can I see it? Is it beautiful?
Howard: Yes.
He smiles and takes the handkerchief from his pocket. He gives it to her, but she looks unhappy.
Gideon: Well it’s awfully small.
Howard: Well, that’s just a little piece. A token for your birthday.
Victoria saunters closer, apparently deciding this dashing, questing Howard is more to her liking and she moves close to him.
Gideon: Well, then forget about the star. It’s not the star that I want, you know what I want.
Howard holds her and Victoria leans back, waiting to be kissed. Howard leans close to her ear.
Howard: You want to grow up.
Victoria’s eyes snap open in surprise and confusion.
Howard: And get over yourself.
Gideon: What?
He unceremoniously drops her and she plops on the ground. He straightens to see that Joey has just rounded the corner, a large red present in his hands, which he drops.
Joey: Howard Thorn. You must have a death wish.
He unsheaths his cane sword. Howard takes his saber and swings it, standing ready and confidant, with a much stronger blade.
Joey (shocked):…Oh.
Howard shakes his head and lowers the blade.
Howard: It’s all right, Joey. You can have her, you really are a perfect couple. Congratulations and the best of luck to you both.
Victoria, unhappy, has unfolded the handkerchief.
Gideon: Well, why would I want this? Just a measly handful of Stardust.
She crumples it and throws it at Howard, who shakes it, glittering powder falls out. He’s stunned.
Howard: Vince…
Victoria and Joey look at each other.
Howard: He can’t cross the wall.
Howard takes off running.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Meanwhile, Monkey has locked a sleeping Dennis inside the caravan and drives it wildly through Market Town, rushing after Vince.
At the same time, Saboo in The Hitcher’s carriage and Bainbridge on his horse are closing in.
Vince is wandering morosely towards the gap in the wall. Monkey arrives first and leaps from the caravan, pulling him back.
Monkey: You can’t go through there, you’ll die.
Dennis has emerged from the caravan in a very bad mood, as Saboo’s carriage is approaching.
Dennis: Who’re you talking to? Where have you taken me?
Saboo steps out, as Dennis grabs Monkey’s wrist.
Saboo: Where is the star?
Dennis: My slave girl’s no star.
Saboo turns on Dennis, attacking him with a huge whirlwind of green fire, which Dennis tries pitifully to repel. Monkey yanks Vince away to the safety of the wall and Naboo watches from the other side, shocked while smoking his hooka.
Dennis’s head comes off and his body flails around, green flames atop the neck like a candle, his arms shaking, running into the wall beside Monkey and Vince and falling. It burns up, leaving nothing but an outline on the ground.
Monkey is holding Vince’s arm protectively.
Monkey: He’s not going anywhere with you.
Saboo twirls his finger and the enchanted chain wraps around both Monkey’s and Vince’s wrists. He walks to the carriage and opens the door.
Saboo: You can either ride in the carriage, or be dragged behind it.
Monkey warily leads Vince inside. Saboo slams the door and stops in shock as she sees her own reflection, he’s almost as aged as before Vince landed. He gets on the carriage and they drive off.
In the carriage, Vince’s head is tucked into Monkey’s shoulder, crying. Monkey strokes his hair and tries to calm him down.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Howard finally arrives at the wall. Naboo is taking his small stool and hooka and scuttling away.
Tristan: What happened? I need to get through!
Naboo: After you mate! Eighty years I’ve stopped you lot from going in, when I should have been more worried about what was on the other side!
Howard finds the outline of Dennis’s body and the caravan. He climbs in to find a mess and the glass snowdrop on the floor. He picks it up and places it in his buttonhole, then back outside he unhitches Dennis’s brown horse and rides full gallop, following the carriage tracks.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Six-Rescues and Discoveries”]

MB4ever

+ posts

• Under The Bed
• A Moment Like This
• Boosht Hollow
• Angel Delight