Almost Certain to Disagree
Category: The Mighty Boosh
Characters: Howard Moon, Vince Noir
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Genre: Action/Adventure, PWP (porn without plot)
Length: 1-5k words
Disclaimer: I own nothing and am making no money. I mean no offense in borrowing these characters.
Almost Certain to Disagree by jeudi
“Gayuma Enactogen Wonder Drink,” Vince reads, stumbling over the words written in festooning cursive. He’s not sure where the glass bottle sitting in the refrigerator came from, but it doesn’t have one of the little green stickers of unhappy faces that Naboo helpfully puts on things that will make Vince sick. He shrugs and twists the cap off and takes a sip and it fizzes pleasantly across his tongue.
Settling down with the latest copy of Cheekbone, he absently drinks a bit more of the bubbly, lavender liquid. As he flips through the magazine, he becomes aware of his cock swelling and straining against the crotch of his jeans. It’s not entirely unusual for Vince to become aroused while reading Cheekbone (nor when looking at himself in a mirror), but something feels odd. There’s a sort of buzzing beneath his skin and he feels light-headed, like he’s had too much coffee.
The incessant throb of his erection has him squirming, pressing his thighs together to feel the delicious pressure. He palms the bulge of it through his trousers, whimpering when it increases his desire tenfold. Because of its insistence, he disregards the risk of one of his flatmates coming home and undoes his jeans and pulls out his cock with quivering hands.
He feels so tightly wound that he’s sure it will just take a few moments to take care of his sudden, paramount need to come. With each jerk of his hand, though, it’s like a coil wrapping tighter in his stomach. Vince pushes his jeans halfway down his thighs and determinedly strokes his leaking cock faster, but with no result.
Vince doesn’t usually need to fantasise about anything when he is wanking, his orgasms as vapid as his brain, but he wants to hurry things along so he thinks of goth girls, electro girls, the entire female population of Camden driven to a Bacchanalian orgy by the wonder of Vince’s best outfit, but nothing works, his orgasm seems just as far off as before.
Trembling with the effort and feeling parched, Vince reaches for his abandoned beverage. As he raises the bottle to his lips he sees that dangling from the bottom is a wrinkled neon green sticker frowning at him with a very unhappy face.
“Shit!” Vince shouts, frantically scanning the label.
This wonder drink will bring new spice to your love life. Ten hundred times stronger than Love Potion no. 9, this drink will kindle a roaring fire to stoke the blaze of passion. WARNING: climax must be reached within two hours of consuming Gayuma Enactogen. Possible consequences may include blindness, impotence, dementia, hypertrichosis or death. Please see your nearest shaman if any of these side effects occur.
Two hours, Vince thinks in panic, he’s sure he’s already wasted at least half and hour trying to jerk himself off. With renewed vigour he returns his hand to his cock. His spare hand trails to tease against his arsehole, thinking perhaps more than just a traditional wank is in order. He feels a deep, aching hollow inside of himself and he instinctively knows that getting rid of it is the only way he’s going to satisfy his sexual needs and the potion.
He worms one finger inside and there’s a pulse somewhere deep that begs to be touched, but he can’t reach it. Vince rocks into his fist and then back against his finger, pressing in further, but finds no relief.
Then, to make matters worse Vince hears noise down in the shop and familiar footsteps climbing the stairs. Though it takes every bit of willpower Vince possesses, he pulls his trousers back on and tries to look casual by perching on the arm of the sofa.
Howard rounds the top of the stairs, jaunty after an afternoon of jazzercise. The scent of his manly sweat assails Vince’s senses and he licks his lips, his brain immediately drawing a straight line to a solution to his problem.
“Hey there, little man,” Howard says. He pauses when he sees Vince’s hungry stare and his flushed cheeks. “Something wrong, Vince?” he asks worriedly, taking a few uncertain steps closer to Vince, eyes scanning up and down, looking for some visible affliction.
“I need you,” Vince greets him by moaning wantonly, grasping two handfuls of Howard’s shirt and pulling him between his spread legs.
“What’s the matter?” Howard places a heavy hand on Vince’s forehead, feeling for a fever, his own brow furrowing in concern. Vince’s skin is damp and blazingly hot.
“No,” Vince whines. He deliberately topples backwards onto the sofa, pulling Howard with him. Howard lands with a loud grunt, trying to lever himself up and put some space between them, but Vince hangs on to him persistently. “Mm,” Vince sighs happily. “Need you inside me.”
“Is the jazz cell back?” Howard asks, trying to disentangle himself from Vince’s insistent, octopus-like embrace. Determined limbs tighten around him. “Vince,” Howard squeaks. “Vince, there’s an awful lot of touching going on right here.”
“Howard,” Vince says, drawing his knees up and winding his arms around Howard’s neck. “I need you to fuck me.”
Howard closes his eyes and shudders at Vince’s words. This only serves to encourage Vince, who slyly takes the opportunity to kiss and lick Howard’s neck. “Vince!” Howard exclaims. “What’re you doing? You’ve gone wrong. I told you I’m not in love with you anymore.”
“Need it so bad, Howard,” Vince pleads, pushing his hips up to rub against Howard as added incentive. “Need you. I’ll die! Please.”
Howard puffs up a bit, flattered by Vince’s desperate entreaties. He’d always suspected Vince only gave up on him out of pride. “Well of course,” he starts to say. “That’s only natural, once you’ve gotten a taste of Howard Moon…” The words, however, shrivel and die as Vince slips a hand down Howard’s work-out shorts and curls his fingers around Howard’s cock. Howard moans at the greedy touch and unconsciously drops more of his weight onto Vince’s slender frame.
Vince’s hand is warm and clammy and confident and Howard thrusts helplessly into Vince’s fist. “Know you want to, Howard,” Vince pants against Howard’s jaw. “Know you fancy me.” Howard whimpers, embarrassingly unmanly, and nods.
Grinning victoriously, Vince nearly whacks Howard in the nose as he eagerly strips his shirt off and struggles out of his trousers. “You too,” he says. “Come on.”
Howard gets off of the couch, one knee still resting on the cushion for balance and hesitantly pulls his shirt over his head. “More,” Vince demands. “Hurry up.” Blushing, Howard takes off his shoes and socks and then pulls his shorts and pants down. Once naked, Howard shuffles his feet and looks bashfully at the floor.
Vince is so aroused that he’s in pain and he feels like he might explode if Howard doesn’t get on with things. “Hurry, Howard,” Vince urges, wriggling impatiently. “I can’t wait.” Howard opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything, just spreads his hands in a helpless gesture.
With an irritated huff, Vince gets up and pushes Howard onto the sofa and then darts to the bathroom to grab a container of Vaseline. He feels like flames are licking his insides. Glancing worriedly at the clock, Vince clambers on to the sofa. Howard is lying stretched out along its length and Vince straddles him, fitting a knee neatly between Howard’s hip and the back of the sofa, the other precariously on the cushion’s edge.
He scoops out some Vaseline and rubs it onto Howard’s rather impressive erection. Vince can’t help salivating at the sight of it. Too anxious to prolong his wait any longer, Vince moves into position and sinks down with a blissful exhalation. Howard – overwhelmed by the heat, the tight grip of it, new sensations exploding in his nerves – takes hold of Vince’s hips and rocks up into him, instinctively seeking more of the sweet friction. Vince makes a delighted noise at the rough handling.
Howard clutches Vince’s thighs and scrunches up his face. “No!” Vince howls as he feels Howard’s cock throb and spurt inside of him. The lovely glowing feeling Vince had momentarily enjoyed sinks away. “You useless oaf!”
“I’m sorry,” Howard moans. “You know I’ve never…” Vince had actually forgotten all about that and he feels a flickering of regret, but it’s quickly overtaken by the horrible, awful itching of his insides.
Running his hands up Howard’s chest, Vince bends to kiss him deeply. He squirms on Howard’s lap, wanting to keep the softening cock from slipping out of him and coaxes Howard’s tongue into his mouth and sucks on it. Howard groans in surprise. He’d gotten a brief taste of Vince’s tongue, like a slippery oyster but infinitely better tasting, that time on the roof, but this is something entirely different.
Vince abandons Howard’s tongue in order to nibble and tease his lower lip. He toys with Howard’s nipples in turn and within a short time he can feel the beginnings of a second erection stirring inside him. “Yes,” Vince breathes happily. “That’s it, Howard.” As soon as he thinks Howard is steady enough, he begins to rock slowly atop Howard.
Howard quite quickly begins to arch up against Vince’s downward strokes, a bit clumsy, but with enough innate rhythm that it’s a cooperative struggle towards orgasm this time. “Vince,” Howard breathes, surprised at the intensity, “Oh, Vince.”
Vince, for his part, is almost delirious. Each thrust of Howard’s cock crashes into him like a wave, drawing the potion away bit by bit like the tide. He feels tension building in the pit of his belly and he knows it’s actually going to happen and he’s not going to die or grow hair all over his body.
“Vince,” Howard says breathlessly. “Vince I’m going to…I can’t help it.”
“It’s okay,” Vince smiles. “Me too.” Release creeps tantalisingly close and Vince braces his hands on Howard’s shoulders and quickens his movements. “Touch me,” Vince says when he realises Howard isn’t going to do anything but stare up at him, starry-eyed.
Howard stares at Vince’s cock dubiously. It’s rather large and angry looking. With some hesitance he closes his hand around Vince’s erection. It’s awkward, trying to do this from such an alien angle, but Vince grunts appreciatively at his efforts.
Suddenly, Vince stiffens and gives a sharp cry. His cock twitches in Howard’s grasp and Howard feels sticky fluid in a rush along his fingers, dripping down to his stomach. His inner muscles spasm and clench around Howard’s cock and Howard pushes upward with a final thrust and comes.
Vince stays still for a long moment, breathing deeply. Fully sated, Howard closes his eyes and strokes Vince’s side. Once he is sure that he is no longer feeling any effects of the potion, Vince laughs, flooded with relief. “What a thrill,” he says, rearranging himself to lie boneless on top of Howard who gladly takes his weight, petting a hand down Vince’s spine. He is warm and sweaty with exertion, but no longer feverish. “That was brilliant,” he sighs against Howard’s neck, too spent to do anything but doze off almost instantly.
“Yeah,” Howard whispers to the unconscious Vince. “Thank you.”