Midnight Thoughts

Noel can't sleep, all he can think of is Julian.







Length: words

Notes: My first Fic. Don’t own, don’t get paid.

Midnight Thoughts by plainjane

Instant gratification and then guilt, inevitable and illogical. Noel had convinced himself that the man he wanted was unreachable, so he comforted himself with others.

Noel turned over again, hot and sweaty. The lump of warmth next to him was breathing deeply. He stood up, no longer able to share the burning bed. He walked over to the window and gazed wearily out of it, his mind racing.

The pangs of guilt made his stomach tense and while he fidgeted uncomfortably his mind drifted away from the physical pain and into a darker place that was laden with muffled light. The reason for his guilt was technically invalid. He was not, and had never been involved with him, but each person he slept with caused him terrible guilt. He lay awake almost every night, thinking about him. It was a predictable and vicious cycle, egged on by the guilt that lay in his bed.

Julian was handsome, but that was not the only reason he wanted him. He was extremely clever, almost to the point of making him feel inadequate, but in an endearing way. He was fiery but always held an odd sense of tranquillity. Noel felt like he could say anything to Julian and he would know exactly how to react. He would sometimes tease Noel, his face almost stony and for an instant Noel would panic, thinking that Julian was annoyed. Then Julian would smile. It wasn’t just any smile, it was his smile, and it was usually accompanied by an uninhibited laugh. It made everything alright, no matter what the problem.

Noel argued with himself about whether he had a chance with Julian. He did not know where his affections lay. Julian could just see him as a brotherly figure or as just a friend. At this thought a heavy weight placed itself in his gut. Maybe he was not attracted to him.

He ran his sleek fingers through his messy hair. As always his doubts took over his mind, poisoning him against action. He removed himself from his fantasies but without them he was lonely.

It was his loneliness that caused him to seek his nightly pleasures. It was his nightly pleasures that caused his guilt. It was his guilt that caused his inner battle, which he always lost. His losing caused his loneliness. It was a predictable and vicious cycle. Instant gratification and then guilt, inevitable and illogical.

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