I’ll Always Be Here For You

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Dee leaves Noel, Julian leaves Noel. He's left alone and loses his sanity.

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Notes: Just in case you can’t work it out, the italics are in the past and the normal font is in the present. This is my first fic that I’ve ever finished and I’m very nervous about posting it – enjoy!

Disclaimer: According to Human Rights, I’m not allowed to own Noel and Julian. (On a more serious note, none of this ever happened and will not happen, it’s a complete act of deranged fiction! Please don’t sue, I have nothing to give you!)

I’ll Always Be Here For You by Haribo

Sitting at the bar, Noel ruffled his shoulder length head of hair and looked over his green-coat covered shoulder at the nightclub. People were singing, dancing, drinking and generally having a good time but Noel wasn’t in the party mood tonight. He hadn’t felt up to much at all since Dee had left him to live in Berlin with Sue and Chris. She was sick of picking up the pieces for Noel – and although he was heartbroken, he understood. At least he still had the most important person of his life left. “Ju, I don’t want to be in here. Can we go back to my place? It gets a bit lonely at night with nobody around.”

The flat was so silent it was almost unbearable. Sounds lay waiting to be heard, but were never made. The décor in the flat mirrored the atmosphere – visually silent. Every painting, everything with the slightest hint of colour had been removed from the room. The once brightly coloured walls had been covered over ferociously with plain white paint – every shard of emotion gone from the room. That is, every shard of emotion apart from one heartbreakingly scruffy haired, puffy eyed and underdressed man crouching in one corner, pushed into the wall’s embrace as far as he possibly could be.

Noel was broken. He’d cried every tear he could cry, and screamed and shouted until he lost the use of his voice. His body had given in, his legs unable to carry his weight from exhaustion and lack of food. His bare, limp frame shook as a silent breeze passed through the room, sending chills through his body. He didn’t feel he could go on, and certainly didn’t feel he needed to. He didn’t want to feel the pain any more, be it physical or emotional – he just wanted to end it. But he couldn’t.

Noel fiddled around in his pocket for his small set of keys, pulled them out and quickly opened the door. He took a deep breath, the sweet smell of Dee’s perfume distinct as soon as he opened the door. He felt like he wanted to cry, he missed her so much – but he still had Julian. His best friend, the love of his life.. If only he knew how Noel felt.

He finally made his way through the doorway and looked up the stairs. Empty corners, empty floors, empty windowsills.. The walls were still covered with his artwork, but they stood out by a mile, each painting representing something special to him, something he’d lost. Julian seemed to sense Noel’s anguish and made his way up to Noel, who had his back to him.

“Hey Noel, are you okay?”

No reply.

“I know this is a tough time for you… but it’s just as hard for me to see you like this. You’ve got to understand.” He walked up to Noel, awkwardly shifting his weight forward slightly so he was almost touching Noel’s back, and nervously clasped his arms loosely around Noel’s midriff. He placed his head on Noel’s shoulder and said in a barely audible whisper, “Cheer up Noel, for me.”

As Julian said that Noel flung himself around and wrapped his arms around the bigger man’s neck. He pushed himself into Julian’s embrace, and Julian couldn’t do much apart from grasp him back just as passionately.

“Oh, Ju,” Noel cried, “Why does it have to be like this? What have I done?”

Julian knew the answer, but he also knew better than to say it at Noel’s most needy moment.

“I don’t know, Noel. I don’t know.”

The sun began to set, dimming the bare room, pulling back any light the room had stolen from the outside world. Noel preferred sitting in the dark. He couldn’t see how pathetic he looked or the empty room surrounding him, leaving him standing out when all he wanted to do was fade away.Noel slowly opened his tired, bloodshot eyes and took a look at the darkness surrounding him. He couldn’t see the blankness of the walls in this light, and he liked being able to imagine that everything was back in the room, just like it was before. Before everything went wrong.

Noel eventually pulled out of Julian’s warm embrace and looked up into his equally warm eyes. They looked beautiful – much bigger than usual and looking down at him with a look of love. He placed his hands on the bigger man’s shoulders, breathed in his tears and said quietly, “Thank you, Ju. Thank you so much for just… being you.”

Julian looked down at Noel with a comically puzzled face. “What’s happened to you, little man? Who took Noel? He’s not normally this nice to me.” But when he looked into Noel’s eyes and saw the utter distress, the hurt, the tears… he knew that Noel was in no mood for jokes. He just needed to be loved, to be looked after. He reached up to his own shoulders and grasped Noel’s cold limp hands in his warm firm palms, stroking them lightly. “It’s okay Noel, I’m here. I’ll always be here for you, I promise.” He gently pulled Noel’s hands off his shoulders and brought them to his lips, kissing each of his knuckles lovingly. He then dropped both of their hands from his mouth so their hands hung entangled between them, the only thing between their close bodies.

“I love you, Ju,” Noel whispered, looking down at the floor.

“I love you too Noel. I always will.” Julian let go of Noel’s shaky hands and pulled him in to a warm loving hug.

Noel leaned in and breathed into Julian’s chest. His clothes smelt of babies and Julia’s perfume, not what Noel wanted to smell. He suddenly realised one way he could get rid of that sweet smell of perfume. Noel pulled out of the hug and looked up at Julian. “Ju, come upstairs, I’ve got something I want to show you.”

Julian nodded obediently, Noel grabbed his hand and they both ran upstairs.

“Wait here, okay?” Noel said once they reached the top of the stairs, letting go of Julian’s hand and leaving him to stand outside of his bedroom door.

“Well, I don’t get much say in it really do I…” Julian muttered under his breath. He leaned back onto the wall behind him and listened through the closed door to try and figure out what Noel was doing. He could hear rustling, drawers opening and shutting and a sound which sounded suspiciously like clothes being taken off.

After what seemed like an age, Noel finally granted Julian access to his room. Julian opened the door, and to his surprise, found Noel tucked up in bed. “What the hell, Noel? Why did getting in bed take you so long?” He sat down on the bed next to where Noel was lying and ran three firm fingers through Noel’s soft hair as he saw Noel’s face drop. “It’s okay, I’m not annoyed, just confused at why this took you so long.”

“Let me show you,” Noel replied, lifting up the cover enough to coax Julian to climb inside.

Julian kicked off his shoes and shuffled awkwardly into bed next to Noel. He would do anything to comfort his best friend, but he was incredibly suspicious of why Noel wanted him in bed with him. ‘You’re just friends,‘ he repeated to himself in his head. ‘Just best friends…‘ But when he felt Noel’s naked body rubbing against his fully clothed side those thoughts of friendship flew out of the window, and his sexual desire shot up… as did his cock.

“Now you understand,” Noel said, clambering daintily on top of Julian’s large frame. His leg met with Julian’s hardening cock, and he realised that Julian wanted this just as much as he did. He launched himself up towards Julian’s head and reached down for a hot, messy, passionate kiss, tongues exploring, teeth knocking. Noel reached down to Julian’s shirt and started unbuttoning it ferociously, not taking care and breaking several buttons as he went, still engaged in the kiss. He finally pulled away and started to unzip Julian’s trousers.

Just as Noel started on his trousers Julian realised – what on earth was he doing? He had two children to look after, a girlfriend to care for – he shouldn’t be doing this sort of thing with anyone, never mind his best friend. But Noel was just too good at this, too persuasive without even saying a word…

Noel made quick work of Julian’s zip and swiftly pulled his trousers off, leaving Julian lying exposed underneath Noel, his to do whatever he wants with. He shuffled down his legs to his ankles and kneeled there, his seductive position killing Julian inside. As Noel ran his finger slowly up Julian’s inner thigh, Julian was so turned on that he couldn’t wait any longer. “Oh for god’s sake Noel!” he shouted, sounding more annoyed than aroused. Noel immediately pulled his hand away and looked down at Julian, looking hurt. “Noel, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant your teasing me, and I can’t bear it… just do it.”

And like a little puppy being commanded by his owner, Noel automatically ran his tongue up Julian’s upper thigh and towards his genitals. He teased Julian’s balls with his long tongue, making Julian shudder and groan with pleasure. “You don’t seem to mind this teasing Ju,” Noel said jokily.

“Don’t… stop…” Julian spat, unable to form full sentences, thinking that if he could possibly be more aroused than he was at that moment he would explode.

“Okay, whatever you say,” Noel said, obviously enjoying Julian’s reaction just as much as Julian was enjoying the feeling.

Noel worked his tongue around Julian’s balls and up towards his fully erect penis. He licked the shaft, slowly and teasingly, until Julian was grunting so loudly that he knew he had to finish it. He took the tip of the cock in his mouth, sucking gently, experimentally. He’d never done a man before – and according to Julian’s reaction, he was obviously doing well. He continued to suck the tip until Julian grabbed Noel’s hair and pushed his head down hard, almost choking Noel as he heaved from the cock touching the back of his throat. He pulled back out and took in as much as he could without heaving again, sucking faster and harder this time. Julian shuddered under him, his legs flailing and arms juddering in time with the sucks. After a few hard sucks Julian came in Noel’s mouth, the hot warm liquid seeping quickly into Noel’s mouth as he swallowed it down.

Noel licked Julian’s softening cock once more to clean it as best as he could and crawled back up to Julian’s chest, wrapping his arms around his waist tight and burying his face into Julian’s collar bone, breathing rhythmically in time with Julian. “I love you Julian. Thank you.”

Julian smiled down at Noel. He loved Noel with all his heart, he was beautiful, inside and out, and he was so glad that what just happened did happen. But the horrible realisation hit him again, the realisation that no matter how right this felt, it was wrong. It shouldn’t happen. They were best friends, colleagues, not lovers. This wasn’t how it should go. No matter how much he loved Noel, he had to look after his children and Julia.

As Noel started gently kissing Julian’s chest, Julian brushed Noel off and stood up. “I’m sorry Noel, I’m so sorry, but this can’t happen. Please tell me you understand.”

But the bewildered look on Noel’s face said otherwise. “Ju… you don’t love me?” A tear rolled down his flushed cheek, and he looked genuinely upset.

Julian stepped towards Noel and run a hand through his scruffy hair. “I do love you. I love you more than anything, I swear. But I just can’t do this, not now. You know this is why Dee left you, and it just makes me feel guilty. I need to look after my twins. You need to sort things out with Dee. That’s why we can’t do this.” And with that, Julian placed a soft, passionate kiss on Noel’s lips, grabbed his trousers and ran out of the room, holding back his tears.

Noel managed to hold himself together until he heard the front door close, which broke him completely. He stood up, messily pulled a pair of boxer shorts on and ran downstairs to check that he had actually left. He walked into the front room after checking, completely broken hearted. All of the boxes around the house, all of the colours on the walls, they all killed Noel inside. He felt completely distressed and alone. His life was over.

Noel looked around him at the white walls, echoing back his feelings of emptiness, loneliness. He needed someone to love, to hold, to look after. He moved his arm out to the side of him, caressing the bare wood floor surrounding him. The sound of his hand against the floor broke the silence, shattering the perfectly kept peace, letting out the sounds which had been laying in wait to emerge for days.

The sound was so loud to Noel, and his ears rung at the sound, ringing in his ear drums, the noise so intense that he felt his head was fit to burst. But just after the silence was broken, he realised something. He noticed the pain had momentarily covered up his constant thoughts of losing everything. He knew what he had to do.

Summoning up the tiniest particle of energy from inside of him, he wrenched his aching body from the floor with a triumphant push. His body felt numb with pain, and the hunger growls in his stomach so loud that it was almost unbearable. And he liked it. He had always had masochistic tendencies, but the indescribable pain running through his body at this moment was so horrible that it was a relief to his system. He stopped thinking about his losses, and focused more on the pain. That’s what he felt he needed.

He dragged himself across the white walls, almost unable to stand up, but he knew he had to keep going. It’s what felt right. Once he had stumbled across the small gap between his corner and the kitchen, he tugged open the only drawer left in the whole kitchen to find a knife, his knife, glaring up at him, the blade shining in the kitchen light, and calling out to Noel.

He picked up the knife, lightly caressing the handle in his frail, bony hand. The knife was so heavy in his weak arm, he couldn’t possibly carry it in his hand back to his corner. He lifted his shaking arm and held the knife up to the light. So perfect. Too perfect. He brought the knife down to his mouth, lightly pressing the blade into his lips. He wanted to taste the perfection, check it was there, because he felt nothing that looked that perfect could possibly be real. He moved his tongue forward, up to the blade, and firmly ran it down the sharp edge. The soft pink flesh of his tongue immediately broke, crimson blood seeping out onto his teeth and down his throat. Noel bit down on his tongue, trying to fight the pain. But he didn’t want it to end.

“See what you’ve done Julian?” He shrieked, his voice a whir of hurt, and a fresh set of tears poured down his flushed pink cheeks. “Look what you’ve done to me…” He looked down at his bare arms and chest, a drawing board for the distressed. He immediately pushed the knife into his mouth, grasping it in his teeth, the blade cutting into the corners of his mouth, another rush of pain which spurred him on to reach his corner.

He threw himself into the space, pushed himself as far back in to the corner as he could go, and removed the knife from his blood ridden mouth. He gazed down at his pale, clean forearm and knew exactly what to do. He slowly, experimentally dug the blade of the knife into the fleshiest part of his forearm just before his elbow. He winced at the intense pain, but the feeling he got from it was worth the hurt and the blood.

He quickly slashed marks into his arms, planned, organised lines, which bled strongly, the blood running off his arms and dripping on the floor. He continued up his arm, each mark more painful than the last as he got closer to his wrist, until he seemed sufficiently pleased with his work. He dropped the knife on the floor, creating a tremor in the rooms atmosphere.

Noel let out a cry of pain, tears pouring down his face, falling onto his cuts and hurting even more. The surges of intense hurt soothed him, and he breathed in a sign of relief, his breath rasped from the blood obstructing his throat. He slowly pushed his blood red tongue out from his mouth and, in one quick movement, licked the excess blood away from his arm, leaving a word clear behind the red cover – “JULIAN”. He pushed his arm into his stomach, imprinting the name, and picked up the knife again. He slowly carved a large heart into his stomach, around his belly button.

“You were the centre of my life, Ju,” Noel cried, rubbing his cheek onto his arm passionately. “You had to just end it, you had to, you had to…” He placed a messy kiss into the centre of his arm, burning the open scars with his lips. “Well this is how much I love you,” he cried desperately, then lay down, placed his head onto the wounded arm, closed his eyes and just waited for the eternal darkness to take him.

Three hours later, the doorbell rang. The sound echoed off the empty walls and woke Noel from his semi-concious state, but only enough to be aware that the doorbell had rung. His mind suddenly sprang to life as he realised that someone was at the door, which meant somebody was there to see him, and possibly to care for him.

He tried to stand up but found him body to be completely immobile, probably from the amount of blood that had left his wrist and stomach. He tried to shout, but his voice wouldn’t work. He was completely unable and alone. A single tear rolled down his cheek, splashing onto the floor and resting before it was devoured by the mass of blood covering the floor.

Julian rung the bell for the third time. He realised that Noel was probably upset and pissed off at him for leaving him like that for so long, but he usually answered the door or his phone whatever had happened. He’d tried to ring Noel’s phone numerous times, but it was off.

He looked through the blinds covering the window into the living room to find something he wish he hadn’t seen. Noel was lying on the floor, naked apart from a pair of boxer shorts barely even doing their job, hanging off his skinnier-than-usual frame, blood surrounding him. “Oh Fucking Shit,” Julian shouted. “I’m coming Noel!”

He immediately ran up to the door and smashed the glass with his fist, severely hurting his knuckles but not really minding. He reached through the broken door and twisted the key to let himself in. He looked around the hallway and was completely taken aback. All of the colourful walls, all of the paintings, everything which made his house so distinguishably Noel… that was all gone. Everything was carelessly painted over with white, covering every speck of emotion.

He soon remembered that his best friend was lying in the living room and broke his chain of thoughts to run straight to Noel. What he saw was a shock.

Noel was lying on the floor, his tiny frame resting on the dark wood floor, completely surrounded by deep crimson blood. His face was much thinner than usual, his eyes shut lightly and his mouth hanging open slightly to show his blood stained teeth.

“What have you done Noel…” Julian whispered, lifting his head slightly to reveal his battered forearm. Julian jumped back in shock, unable to come to terms with what was in front of him. Noel had etched Julian’s name into his arm?! He understood that Noel was really upset when he left him, but he didn’t realise that he was that upset.

He crouched down next to Noel and instinctively checked for a pulse. He reached for his wrist on his unharmed arm and clenched the skin firmly. He panicked at first as he thought that he couldn’t feel it, but after a few seconds he felt the heart beat on his thumb, slowly beating. “It’s there,” he said out loud, as if he needed to be told so he could believe it himself.

At that moment Noel’s eyes fluttered open slightly. “Ju?” he croaked, voice broken and sore. He directed his lidded, bloodshot eyes a Julian, checking he was there.

“Oh, Noel, thank God you’re okay,” Julian said, his happiness for his friend’s life showing through past his anger at what he had done to himself. “Why did you do this Noel?”

There was a short silence. Julian leaned over to look Noel in the eye and Noel slightly shook his head, his eyes looking down at the floor.

Julian was completely shocked at what Noel had done to himself, but he wasn’t angry. Noel needed to be loved, that was obvious now, and he just needed a kind hand, a tender touch, someone to look after him and check that he was okay. He just needed Julian.

Julian lay down next to Noel, not minding the fact that he had just stained his clothes with Noel’s blood which covered the bare floorboards underneath them, and pulled his weak body into his strong, caring embrace. Noel’s flesh touched Julian’s warm body and tingled pleasantly, a feeling he had needed for so long.

“Do you remember what I said to you before this all happened Noel?”

Noel shook his head.

“I’ll always be here for you.”

End Notes: Thank you for reading! Reviews are more than welcome, I’d love to know what you think! 🙂

Haribo
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