A trip to the corner shop takes an unexpected turn...


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Notes: My first fic on here…I really need to upload my older material 😀

I maily write MarySue/Self Insert fics. But I do write this sort of stuff from time to time. Disclaimer – I do not own Howard Moon and Vince Noir. They belong to Julian Barratt (God) and Noel Fielding (the other one).

Weetabix by FlyingTanuki

Howard Moon stood admiring himself in the mirror. Damn, he was sexy. And he knew it. He put a hand out to flatten his dark, unkempt, greasy hair and smiled awkwardly at his reflection. Why did he not get girls falling at his feet the way Vince did. Surely, he thought, he was the sexier of the two? The one who deserved everything in life, including gorgeous women? Evidently not. He sighed, picking up his blue Colgate toothbrush and rinsing it under the tap.

Just as he was about to apply some toothpaste to his brush, he heard a loud, child-like voice echoing through the flat.
“Howard, we’ve run out of Weetabix!”
Howard growled and stumbled angrily out of the bathroom, toothbrush in hand.
“Where are you Vince?” he asked, trying to be polite, although anyone could tell that he was angry with his young friend for disrupting his daily routine.
“Where do you think, you berk!” was the reply he was issued with. Which didn’t really answer Howard’s question. Still, there was only five rooms in the flat. He walked into the kitchen, trying to be as calm as possible, and was greeted with a young, raven haired man sitting at the table, a gleaming, childish grin spread across his perfect porcelain face as he held up an empty Weetabix box.
“See? We’ve run out!” he chirped.
“I can see that.”
Vince looked up at Howard, his big blue eyes shining like newly polished marbles.
“Can we go shopping then?”
Howard let out a deep grunt, and looked down at his grinning young friend.
“Oh, I suppose so Vince,” he said, his scowl slowly turning into a delicious, warm smile, which made Vince giggle. “Go and get ready, and I’ll meet you downstairs in ten minutes.”
Vince looked up at Howard, pouting.
“You know I take longer than that to get ready in the morning!” he moaned.
“How about an hour then?” he enquired.
“Sounds about right,” said Vince with a smile. He clambered out of his seat at the table and strolled off towards the bedroom. Howard looked at Vince, his perfect arse wiggling slightly as he strutted proudly towards the bedroom. Vince was his best friend, but occasionally Howard felt that he liked him as more than a friend. Sometimes, Howard thought that he had been put on the Earth with one mission – to look after and protect Vince from all evil. He licked his lips slightly as his friend shut the bedroom door, then he too went to get ready.


Howard stood outside the Nabootique, freezing cold. It had been more than an hour, and Vince still hadn’t appeared. Typical Vince, he thought, as he reached into the pocket of his leather jacket for some gum, his mind fixated on what the boy-like man could be doing at this moment. He shuddered as a rather crude thought about his friend entered his head, and desperately tried to push it to the back of his mind. But it was no use. For after he’d thought that dirty thought, who should emerge but Vince, dressed in a blue suit with black high-heeled boots. His long black hair was poker straight and fell around his beautiful, pale face in long strands. His lips were glossy and red, like a delicious, succulent strawberry just waiting to be bitten into, and his eyes were even shinier than before, for he had applied multiple coats of an extremely expensive gold eyeshadow. Howard turned bright red as he watched his friend emerge from the door of the shop, then smiled nervously as he approached.
“You ready then little man?” he asked casually.
Vince smiled, his brilliant white teeth gleaming. “Yeah. Are we going to the town centre or to the corner shop?”
“Corner shop. I hate busses.”
Vince smiled up at Howard. “Let’s go then!” he chanted, running on ahead as Howard strolled behind him.

As Vince ran, his beautiful body moving fluidly, Howard couldn’t help but feel slightly aroused. No wonder Vince got girls falling at his feet. He was so sexy, he looked like the perfect being – an angel almost. Just watching his perfectly sculpted body move along like that made Howard go weak at the knees. He watched Vince vanish round the corner and go into the shop.

Howard reached the door of the corner shop a good two or three minutes after Vince. Opening it, he stepped inside, only to find that Vince wasn’t there. The little shit, Howard thought angrily to himself. He’s probably gone off to a mate’s house. Or maybe he was hiding in the shop. No harm in asking. Howard walked up to the man at the counter.
“Excuse me sir,” he said politely, “but has a black haired gentleman that looks slightly like a girl been on these premises in the last five minutes?”
The man at the counter adjusted his baseball cap, then looked at Howard.
“No mate, I’m afraid nobody matching that description has been into my shop,” he answered.
Howard sighed, and ran a hand through his chocolate brown hair. “Oh well, thanks for your help anyway.” He smiled at the man, then exited the shop.

When he stepped foot out onto the pavement outside the shop, he was just about to head home when he felt a cold, clammy hand on the back of his neck. He jumped, and turned round, but there was nobody there. Then he heard a voice.
“Howard…” moaned the voice. “Howard…please come here…”
Howard was petrified. Who the hell was asking for him like that, and more importantly, where was the voice coming from? He began to head home, but was pulled forcefully into an alleyway next to the shop by some unknown. He let out a loud yell for help, but was silenced as the attacker began to kiss his neck.
“Who…who are you?” asked Howard, his words spilling out in a long breathy moan.
The attacker spun him round, and Howard gasped as he was met with the beautiful face of none other than Vince.
”It’s me, Howard.”
Howard’s face turned scarlet, and he stared into the sky-blue eyes of his young companion.
Vince bit his bright red bottom lip and stared into Howard’s beautiful dark eyes.
“Because…because I love you, Howard.”
He moved his body closer towards Howard’s and pressed his delicious, soft strawberry red lips against Howard’s disgustingly sore-looking chapped lips.
Reaching up and grabbing hold of Howard’s leather jacket, he pulled him in even closer for a warm, full-on kiss. He slid his tongue gently into Howard’s mouth, and Howard moaned slightly. Howard bit down gently on Vince’s tongue, causing him to moan even louder than Howard had done. He gently moved his soft warm lips down Vince’s pale neck, and bit down hard, almost piercing his skin.
“God, Howard…” moaned Vince, as he stood there, helpless as the bigger man kissed his neck passionately.
Howard stopped what he was doing and looked at Vince.
“Do you like that?” he asked, his voice a mere whisper.
Vince nodded and smiled weakly at Howard. Howard smiled back.
“Do you know what we should do?” he said, licking his lips.
“What should we do?”
“Go back home…”
Vince stopped Howard mid-sentence. “We were going to do that anyway!”
Howard growled. “I didn’t finish the sentence,” he sighed, before kissing Vince gently on the cheek. “I was going to say, that we should go home and have some fun.”
Vince looked up at him, his beautiful blue eyes sparkling.
“By fun do you mean…?” He was stopped mid-sentence this time, as Howard kissed him on the lips. He nodded, and Vince stood there, looking into his eyes.
“I love you Howard,” he said with a smile, before taking Howard’s hand in his own.
“I love you too, Vince,” replied Howard.

End Notes: Hope you enjoyed!

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