Secrets of an Electro Ponce
Category: The Mighty Boosh
Characters: Howard Moon, Vince Noir
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Rating: PG
Status: Complete
Length: 1-5k words
Secrets of an Electro Ponce by PonchoHappiness
“See you Howard.”
Vince grabbed his mobile from the shelf and flashed Howard a smile.
“Where are you going?” Howard didn’t particularly mind, but after spending nearly everyday with Vince for ten years, he always felt a little twinge of worry when Vince went out.
“I’m going to this new club with Mama Zoom and a couple of other mates. Apparently the dance floor’s made of Yakult! Imagine that!”
“Yeah great…”
“What’re you gonna do?”
“Tonight sir, is the premiere of ‘Jazz on the water’.”
Vince frowned slightly. “What’s that?”
“What’s that? What’s that!? THAT my friend is the latest release from Jurgen Harbourmaster-It’s the tale of a lonely Jazz musician who falls in love with a beautiful swan, only to loose it through a series of incidents involving a crayon and…”
Howard was cut off by Vince’s sudden burst of laughter.
“What?” Howard snapped indignantly.
Vince gasped for breath and managed to stutter out: “You’re staying in tonight… to watch a soppy little movie about jazz and swan-bumming?” He burst in to fits of laughter again and Howard blushed.
“It’s a tale of forbidden love between two completely different beings!”
“It’s creepy!”
“It’s revolutionary!”
Vince finally managed to breathe through his laughing fit and straightened up, smoothing his outfit.
“You’ve gone wrong. Anyway I’ve gotta go or my entrance will go from fashionably late to awkwardly delayed.”
He waved as he swaggered down the stairs, a few minutes later Howard heard the front door close and he settled back towards the TV, just as the opening credits flickered on.
“Life is meaningless… but we distract ourselves from it… some use drugs… others collect raisins… music was my release… until him…” Then a sad violin warbled over the top, Howard shifted to get comfortable.
“This is gonna be good.”
Half an hour had passed when Howard’s nostrils picked up the smell of burning. He sniffed the air, then looked round, all of the appliances in the kitchenette were off. Naboo was out, so it couldn’t be his hookah. Howard got up and walked briskly to his and Vince’s room.
He pushed open the door and saw smoke rising from the corner of the room, through the cloud he could see Vince’s straighteners burning a hole through his trumpet sock.
He rushed over and unplugged the straighteners, then placed them safely on the bedside table that he and Vince shared. He threw his precious trumpet sock on the ground and stomped out the small fire that had started. When it was fully out he picked up the now charred sock and threw it in the bin.
It was only when he turned round that he noticed for the first time what a mess the room was in, this happened every time Vince went out (so basically everyday) and Howard was always the one to clear up the mess so that Vince could stumble home hours later-off his face and tired-and collapse in to bed without tripping over something in the process.
Howard sighed and started to work his way through the chaos. After easing a sticky lollipop off of his favourite muffin roll-neck, he picked up a silver cape and went to the wardrobe to hang it up, but when he opened the doors an avalanche of colour and sequins fell on top of him. Vince had obviously stuffed them in there to make a path from the mirror to the door. Howard untangled himself from a purple feather boa and started to claw his way out of the mountain of clothes, when he finally escaped he saw that embedded in the pile of soft fabrics was something hard and rectangular, he eased it out like a bizarre game of Jenga and saw that it was a book. He flipped it over and saw written in glitter glue, the words: “Vince’s Diaree”. Howard smirked at the pink book, he never really imagined that Vince would be the kind of person to own a diary, but when you lead the life of a social butterfly, he supposed that you would need a diary to remember it all (especially when you had the mental capacity of a toothbrush-As Vince did). A small chuckle escaped Howard’s lips as he placed the book on the bedside table and again began to pick his way through the mess.
Two hours later he was finished, with a long sigh he fell back on to Vince’s neon blue bed. He could have gone to sleep there and then, but there was a tiny voice in the back of his mind preventing him from doing so.
“Why don’t you just have a look Howard?” The voice whined.
“Because he’s your best friend that’s why!” The sensible side of Howard’s brain replied.
“Aww C’mon! He won’t be back for ages!”
“It’d be betraying his trust! Imagine how you’d feel if someone read all your deepest secrets?”
“Why don’t you shut up you jerk off?”
“Oh really mature! You are just so–” Howard shock his head, trying to shut up his brain. Then he sat up. It was true-Vince wouldn’t be back till at least 3am, and after all the embarrassing things Vince had inflicted on him over the years, it was only fair that Howard should have a little revenge. Wasn’t it?
Howard got up and walked over to the diary, he swallowed and slowly reached out, it was like touching the Holy Grail. This book contained Vince Noir-self-proclaimed “Rock ‘n’ Roll Star’s” deepest and darkest secrets. He held the book in his sweaty grasp and then flipped open the cover.
“ 14th may 2005
Deer Diaree,
Today was grate! I met these Electro gurls + they asked me too join there band! I got to dress up and evrything! But then that ball bag Jonny to hats frew a hissee fit and quit the band, luckolly Howard sed he wood step in. After some purswasion from me though. But then at the gig the Spirit of Jazz cralled up inside Howard and he started doin all this weerd stuff wiv a trumpet. The electro gurls went ape shit + stabed evryone up! But it was alrite in the end coz I don’t really fink I wanted to be in there band coz I’d have two go off on tour + leave Howard behind. That wood be well dull! Howards really funny, I told him that and he sed he wasn’t. Howard Moon is a man of acshun! That made me laff too.
Howards grate. Even though hes a bit stoopid sumtimes.
Got too go im playing air hockey wiv Bollo.
Luv Vince x x “
Howard smiled affectionately, under this entry was a drawing of Vince in his Kraftwerk Orange costume and Howard with his hands on his hips and a speech bubble with the words “Im a man of acshun!” written inside. It was so easy for Vince to move on from a bad experience, throwing away that days ambition, on to the next shiny object that came his way. He flipped back, right to the beginning and read the entry under the date-12th August 1994.
“ Deer Diaree,
There was a new boy at skool today. He’s called Howard Moon. All my other frends say hes a bit of a freek but I fink hes kind of cool in a weerd way. He dresses like our Geografy teecher! At break I went over+ sed hi +asked if he wanted a flying sawser. He frowned at me + asked if I had any rice or hoomus (watever that is). He was a bit shy at furst but by the end of the day he actually smiled at me + then agreed to cum to my house for tee But only if it wasnt sweets.
So I got Jahoolee the lepard to make sum cockney mash + sosages. I fink he liked the forest but after he’d gone all the animals sed he was a ball bag. I like him though. Even if he does like Jazz.
Got to go Brians back from his tour.
Lots of Luv Vince x x “
Howard remembered the day they first met. No one had spoken to him all morning, but then at break time a small but skinny boy with a shoulder length feather-cut and a pink raincoat with little blue lightning bolts on had skipped up to him, a silly smile plastered across his face. At first he’d thought the boy was playing a trick on him-pretending to be friendly only to run off and laugh about it with his friends later. But as it turned out he was a bit too naïve to pull off a trick like that, and Howard had felt comfortable in this androgynous little nine-year-old’s company, so when it came to home-time he could hardly say no when invited back to Vince’s “House”, and they’d never really left each others side since.
Howard flicked through the book some more, reading a few lines of the entries. He read about the day they’d moved to the little flat in Dalston, about their journey to the Fountain Of Youth, about their time spent on that desert island-noticing a particular comment from Vince saying that he thought Howard really looked good with a tan and long hair. He read of Vince’s opinion on working in the shop-“Genius! I get two sell all these amazing cloves!” He saw a whole page covered by a drawing of himself, Vince, Naboo and Bollo performing the four-way crimp, and the picture of the plan pony Vince had drawn to help find the Crack fox was stuck in too. Then he stopped. He’d come to the entry dated 13th December 2007-His Birthday.
“Dear Diaree,
Today was Howards birthday + I finally managed too get him too have a party! I had to pay this gurl right? Diva I think she was called. Anyway as soon as she steped in two the shop he was like play-doh in her hands. I cood not get him two wear any desent cloves though but I gess you cant have evrything. My outfit was genius though and Naboo got sum of his shaman mates too do the Djing. But then wen Howard started to make his speech about “Safe fun” I had to step in. It was 1 of my best entrances ever!
It oviously didn’t cheer Howard up though. He was putting a downer on the hole party! So I got him and a cupple of other mates down in to the shop to play some party games. We played spin the bottle but then Naboo came down and told us their was a demon in the bottle! Then he sed it only possessed the body of a virgin so we where all fine. Or I fort so until Howard started screemin saying “GET IT OUT! I’VE GOT IT INSIDE ME!” Imagine that! 32 and still a virgin! I suppose I shuld have gessed really. I don’t fink Ive ever seen anyone look twice at Howard. Except me. Anyway turned out Naboo was joking + that kind of ruined the mood of the game so we all went back upstairs. Except that wen I got up some girl grabbed me + pulled me in to the stock room! She tryed to get off wiv me (naturaly) but turns out she was the head shamans wife! Then when he found out I was in a hole heep of shit. He was gonna chop my hed off! No one needs that so I dumped my glorious cape and headed four the roof.
When I got up their though Howard was sat there. He sed he was hiding from the shame of his party. I tryed to make him feel better by lying + saying that gurls respect virgins (I had to pinch myself not to laff) then Howard made some stoopid speech about fisical boundrys and stuff but then that crazy ass head shaman arrived! I tried get out of it by sayin I was in luv alredy. But he didn’t beleeve me. So I paniced and sed I was in love with Howard, luckly Howard agreed but then the angry shaman told me to prove it so I did the only thing I cood do. I kissed Howard.
It was bloody awful! Not me of corse I was amazing. But Howard was all stiff, it was like kissing a lamp. Luckly that did the trick + the shaman left. I turned too fank Howard but he was looking at me like a rapist. He started sayin all this stuff about sexual tenshun and I was getting a little freeked out. Then the stoopid nutbox made us fall off the roof but my brilliant present (a bouncey castel) broke our fall. Then that Diva gurl came out and was totally flurting with him! And the next fing I new Howard was breaking up wiv me! I had to defend my reputation so I tried to put up a fight but he was head over heels wiv that freeky jazz chic. Too be honest I was a little disappointed but I found another gurl pretty quikly and it was all alright.
The fing is later that night I saw Howard snoggin the face off that gurl + I got a feelin like id eaten two many sweets. I coodn’t have been jelos of Howard cood I? Its just weerd. I cant stop finkin about that kiss and what Howard sed. Even though it was probably the worst kiss ive ever had it just seemed kind of… rite.
But I cant feel like that about Howard! Hes my best friend! Weve known each other four 10 years and I haven’t felt like that. I mean, sure ive had thoughts, but all mates do don’t they? So why can’t I stop finkin about him? Why does he make my tum tum flip whenever I see him? Why do I want to hold him + never let him go?
Well that’s just it innit?
I love him.
Im in love wiv him.
I always have been Ive just been two fucking self-obsessed to notice.
He cant feel the same way can he?
No way. This Howard were talking about.
Then what the hell am I supposed two do?
Ive gotta go Howards back from Jazzercise.
Luv Vince x x “
Howard couldn’t breathe. He flicked through the last twenty or so entries and read the odd sentence.
“I luv him”
“He was so funnee today”
“I never reelised how beutifull he is…”
“It was so sad. I want to hug him + kiss him +never let go”
“ I wish I cood tell him”
“It hurts…”
“I luv him.”
Howard snapped the book shut and sat back on to the end of his bed, with his head in his hands.
Vince was in love with him.
How could Vince be in love with him?
Like Vince said they were best friends, it was quite simply wrong.
So what could he do?
There was no denying it; his best friend was in love with him.
He had to do something.
Vince stumbled up the stairs and checked the time: 1:30am.
That was ridiculously early, for Vince anyway, but he just wasn’t feeling it tonight. He missed Howard.
He saw that the TV was still on. Strange, because Howard NEVER left the TV on, or any other appliance for that matter. He looked in the mirror and wiped off a little of his smeared eyeliner, making himself a little more presentable for bedtime.
He took off his coat, hung it on the peg and slowly staggered over to his and Howard’s bedroom door.
When he opened the door the first thing he noticed was that the mess was gone. The fact that Howard always cleaned up his mess no matter how huge was just one of the things that made him love that jazzy spanner all the more.
The he noticed Howard stood over by his makeup table, with a book lying on it.
“Hey Howa–”
He did a double take. That was his diary!
“What the hell is that doing out?”
“I was cleaning your mess and it fell on top of me.” Howard said in a low, calm voice. There was something odd in the way he spoke, almost as if he’d planned this conversation.
“… You… you didn’t happen to read it did you?” Vince stammered. Howard dropped his gaze.
“I may have accidentally glanced over a few paragraphs.”
“Well… which bits?”
“Vince…” Howard looked back up at Vince, an unreadable expression on his face.
“… What?” He knew. Vince’s brain cell was screaming at him. “He knows and now he’ll never want to see you again!!!”
“Why Vince?… Why didn’t you tell me?… Why did you lie?”
“I… I was scared.”
“Scared? Of me?”
“Well it’s what I said innit? Your the least gay person I’ve ever met.”
“You really thought I’d never want to speak to you again, just because…” Howard trailed off. He couldn’t quite bring himself to say it. If he spoke those four little letters, it would make this whole thing seem just too real.
“I guess so…” Vince spoke in a tiny voice, staring at his shoes.
Howard took a step forward.
“Vince you are possibly the vainest, stupidest most self-obsessed person I’ve ever met–”
“Thanks” Vince looked up through his fringe; the space between them was shrink as Howard edged closer.
“But…” Howard stopped. There was barely any space left between them.
“What?” Vince looked up at Howard. His eyes shined with tears.
“But I still love you.” He’d said it. Howard wrapped his arms round Vince’s slim waist and looked in to his glistening azure eyes.
Then slowly he leaned in and pressed a soft, nervous kiss to Vince’s lips.
Vince didn’t move as Howard pulled back, he just looked up in to the beautiful chocolate brown of Howard’s gaze.
After a few moments Howard leaned in again and pressed another kiss to Vince’s soft lips and still Vince didn’t move. But just as Howard was about to pull away, Vince lifted his hand to Howard’s cheek and returned the kiss. It was shy and gentle, both of them unsure and scared of what might happen.
Then Howard entangled his hand in to Vince’s hair and deepened the kiss; slowly they explored each other’s mouths. It was completely different from the kiss on the roof. It wasn’t rushed and awkward. It was reserved and slowly and so beautifully real.
Howard was the first to pull back. He looked down at Vince and Vince looked up at him.
“Howard?”
“Yes, little man.”
“What now?”
Howard paused for a moment to think.
Well… we’ll just have to wait and see…”
Vince smiled as Howard leaned and kissed him once more.
He couldn’t wait.
End Notes: I heart reviews 🙂
