Kissing Lessons
Category: The Mighty Boosh
Characters: Howard Moon, Vince Noir
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Genre: Episodic/Missing Scene, Romance
Rating: R
Status: Complete
Length: 1-5k words
Kissing Lessons by changeling
Howard Moon returned to the bouncycastle to find Vince occupying it, lying on his back and gazing up at the stars in an almost fascinated manner, the way a little boy would.
“Alright?” Howard greeted, a bit awkwardly.
“Alright,” Vince replied, propping himself up on his elbows. “Has everyone gone?”
Howard sat down near Vince. “Yep.”
“Those girls as well?”
“Um..” Howard shifted his weight. “Yeah.”
Vince lay down again, his attention turning back to the stars. He eyed them contemplatively, and went for his usual method of getting reassurance. “Howard, it’s gonna be alright, isn’t it?”
Howard also lay down, so his head was almost brushing Vince’s. “What do you mean?”
“Y’know..you and me. After what happened on the roo–”
“Yeah! Yeah, yeah. We’ve, um, we do some crazy things sometimes. Some stupid things. Let’s put it behind us, eh?”
Vince didn’t reply.
They lay below the night’s sky in silence, soaking up the peace.
“I feel really bad, Howard.” Vince said eventually.
“Hmm? What?” Howard didn’t see how anyone could feel bad in this scanario. A beautiful night, a bouncy castle, just him and his best friend..
“You never really wanted a party, and once you got started it wasn’t really your party, you barely got any attention or presents, and they didn’t even play any music you liked, and I really wish I’d..”
Howard was about to interrupt, but changed his mind. Vince rarely grovelled, and part of Howard quite liked it. Let him ramble on. It was still his birthday after all.
“..and then you ended up being humiliated in front of those girls about being a virgin, and–”
“Alright, let’s not get into that.”
“–the castle arrived late and I ended up making you confused and practically broke my own heart in the process and–”
“Vince,” He interrupted, then hesitated. He didn’t know quite what to say.
“Well, maybe not broke my heart.” Vince said awkwardly.. “You know what I mean.”
Howard didn’t, so he chose to ignore it. “It’s okay, Vince. With the party, I mean. Sometimes we let each other down. We get past it. It’s what makes friendships stronger.” He shifted his weight again. It felt a little strange applying the term “friendship” to them, though it was what they’d gone under for over half their lives. Things had changed now. Objects set in motion must remain in motion, suddenly appeared in Howard’s mind, and he shook his head to clear it. “Anyway, at least it’s all finished on a good note. All’s well that ends well, eh?”
“Mmm.”
Howard settled back happily, glad to let the matter rest.
“I still feel bad though, Howard.”
“Well, it’s not always about you, is it? Why do you have to make everything so difficult, eh? We just came to terms with everything, and I was prepared to let the matter rest, and-“
“I only said I feel bad!”
“Yeah, and this is my birthday, and I can’t even have it end well because you feel bad.” He stopped, a little shame creeping up. He hadn’t meant to go on like that, but he was still frustrated. The whole thing had been completely useless. Even the kiss was a complete waste of time, as they were right back to square one. Howard was a practical man. Sometimes. If something had developed, or was developing, between him and Vince, he felt something should be done about it. They’d come close, and yet here they were, back to square one.
Vince lay still, worried. He’d no idea Howard was so annoyed. “I’m really sorry, Howard.”
“Yeah, well.” He sighed. He knew Vince meant it though. He knew for the most part Vince meant well, sometimes he just didn’t think.
“Next year, we’ll do whatever you want, Howard.” Vince promised. “Even jazz stuff.”
Howard smiled at this. In a year’s time, or in any time, Vince would back away and shake his black locks in horror at the idea of doing “jazz stuff”, but Howard appreciated the gesture.
Sensing the bad moment had passed, Vince asked casually, “So how did you get on with that girl?”
Howard swallowed. “Okay. I was getting some pretty good vibes off her, actually. I think she–”
“Did you get her phone number?”
“Er..no. It wasn’t that sort of relationship, y’know? I’m playing the field, Vince. I–”
Playing the field? You? Vince was about to say, but bit it back. He didn’t want to upset him again.
“..and that’s how I prefer it, really. Anyway, what about you and your glitter twin?”
“Oh, same thing, really. She’s already got a boyfriend, so we were just having a laugh. We didn’t even kiss that much.”
Howard gave a non-commitical grunt.
“How about you? Did you get any snogging done?”
“That’s a bit personal, innit?”
“Yeah, but come on, it’s just me.”
“I’m under no obligation to answer your question.” He said with dignity.
No then, Vince thought.
“Howard?”
“Mmm?”
“Y’know what you said on the roof, about-“
“Look, will you stop going on about it!”
“There’s no harm in talking about it! Homophobia’s built in you, that’s your problem.”
“What?”
“It so is, right, cos–”
“No–”
“Yeah! Look, if I was a girl you’d be bragging left right and centre, with everyone you’d meet you’d be casually bringing it up in conversation,” He put on a funny deep voice, “ ‘Eh you shoulda seen the bird I copped off with at me party,’ but cos I’m a boy you’re all,-“ He did a slightly different voice, “ ‘-Never speak of it’s name again’.”
“I do not sound like that!”
“Yeah, right.”
“Anyway, you practically are a girl.”
Vince giggled. “What’s the problem, then?”
“Shut up!” Vince laughed a little more, then nudged Howard’s head gently with his own.
“Howard?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think it’s true though, what you said about us bickering and the sexual tension?”
“Well, y’know, we..sometimes when..no, no of course not.” He gave up. There was no point persuing things. Vince clearly wasn’t taking it seriously. He was better off leaving things the way they were. “Stop going on about it, will you? I thought you said you felt bad about it all?”
That shut him up. For about half a minute.
“Howard?”
“What.”
“I was thinking..”
“Uh oh.”
“Y’know cos I want to make it up to you for giving you such a crap birthday?”
“Yeah?”
“And, you know you’ve never really kissed anyone other than me, and you’re not very experienced with girls and that, I could sort of..help you out a little.”
“What’re you talking about?”
“Well, let me be honest with you; on the roof, well, you’re not the worst I’ve ever had but you were a bit unresponsive, and–”
“Of course I was unresponsive! I wasn’t exactly expecting it, was I?”
“I could help you, Howard!”
Howard sat up and looked at him suspiciously. “Help me do what?”
“Well..” Vince also sat up. “What we did on the roof.”
Howard stared at him.
“Kissing.” Vince provided helpfully. “Kissing lessons, kind of.”
“Vince.. I know you feel bad, but I don’t think making yourself a male prostitute is the answer.”
Vince shook his head and explained patiently, “You don’t have to pay.”
“Wow, thanks.”
“That’s okay.” He said warmly.
He wasn’t getting it. Howard bit his lip awkwardly, torn. Just five minutes ago he was upset because things between them weren’t going anywhere. They could spin the wheels but not actually get anywhere. Now he actually had a chance of doing something about it, he was having second thoughts.
“Think about it, Howard.” Vince told him earnestly. “Think of all I could teach you. Think of all the skills and experience you could gain in one night!”
“Yeah, but Vince, you’re well, you’re not a girl.” He argued weakly, his cheeks reddening.
“Yeah, but I know what girls like,” He insisted. “And anyway, I swing both ways, sometimes I’ve had to kind of..be like a girl,” He said meaningfuly.
Howard stared at him. “Really?”
“Yeah,” He laughed a little.
“You’re bisexual?”
“Yeah. I don’t know why you’re so surprised. Most people assume it as soon as they meet me. There’s nothing wrong with it.” He added with a coy little smile. “It just means I have no limits. I can get the best of both worlds.”
Howard shook his head in wonder. To think, this was Vince Noir, everyone’s little golden boy..
“I don’t think so, Vince. It’s for me.”
Vince fidgeted for a moment, then said in a small voice, “Hey, Howard?”
“Hmm?”
“You don’t think I’m a slag, do you?”
“What?”
“I just..I just want to help you..and sometimes I..” He felt his cheeks growing hot, “..find both men and girls attractive..and..” His voice trailed off.
“No, you’re not a slag.” He would have laughed if Vince didn’t look so worried. “Who said that to you?”
“Oh, just this one prat..” he said, a little sadly. “Don’t know why I took any notice, really.”
“No, neither do I.” Howard replied, almost angrily. “Don’t go out with people who get you thinking bullshit like that about yourself.”
Vince stared, and was suddenly overcome with a rush of love for him. More determined to help than ever, he went on, “Anyway, forget about all that! It’d be great for you, Howard! I’d just be helping you out as a friend, and no-one’d ever have to know.”
“I, I don’t like people touching me,” He argued lamely.
“But you’re really, really used to me, and it’s not like I’ll rush you or anything. And you won’t be as self-conscious as you would be with someone you actually fancied, and you won’t have to worry about impressing me.”
Howard felt himself grow hot, and wavered a little. “Well..when?”
“Now.”
“Now?”
“It’s perfect! Everyone’s gone home, Naboo’s passed out somewhere, Bollo’s gone off with Pete Neon in his big chelsea boots..”
“Look, don’t be inviting Pete Neon round in future. You know I don’t like him.”
Vince smiled angelically. “Does that mean yes?”
Howard wrestled briefly with himself, and weakened. “Alright. But listen, you can’t tell anyone about this, ever. And I’m still not comfortable with it, I just don’t want you feeling bad. You’re lucky I’m such a charitable man, sir.”
“That’s okay, Howard.” He said soothingly. He scooted closer to Howard. “Close your eyes and relax.”
Howard did so, his heart pounding.
“Now I know we did tongues up there, but I think we should start from scratch, just to make sure you’ve got all the basics right.”
He felt Howard’s arm tentatively. “Hey, loosen up! It’s like piano wire in there! You’re meant to enjoy this.”
“Am I?” He said through gritted teeth.
“Yeah, so just act natural. Look, Howard, you can make all your mistakes on me. Like I said, cos you’re not with someone you actually fancy you don’t have to worry about me not liking it.”
Howard had no reply for this. He had never felt more worried about something in his life.
Vince went on cheerfully, “Come on, I’ll tickle you if I have to.”
Howard’s eyes shot open. “Don’t you dare!”
“Well, stop being so tense then! Come on, loosen up, have a bit of a giggle! I’ll get some alcohol if you like.”
“No, thanks.”
Vince thought for a moment. “Remember in the zoo when that Joey Moose skidded on some ice and knocked into the cardboard kangaroo display?”
Howard laughed a little. “Yeah, and they all went down like dominoes. Fossil was furious.”
They sung a quick domino crimp together, practically dead with laughing at the memory by the end of it.
“Happy days, happy days.” Howard shook his head.
“Yeah. Feel better?”
“A bit.”
“Cool.”
Howard closed his eyes again. “Have you given kissing lessons before?”
“No, but how hard can it be?” He slid closer to Howard again. “Okay, I’m going to kiss you now. Don’t do anything yet. Just let yourself get the feel of me.”
Howard supressed a shiver. Get the feel of me. Oh sweet jesus..
Vince pressed his lips against Howard’s gently, and pulled back a little, moving his hand to Howard’s shoulder as he did so. “You’re freezing up again. Relax, Howard. This is supposed to be nice.”
“It is.” He said dumbly, not opening his eyes.
Vince smiled. “Thanks. Now try kissing me back a little. Don’t worry about tongues, we’ll get to that, just do what I did.”
Howard felt Vince’s lips again, and pressed back against them, a little uncertainly. It went on for quite a while, and Vince pulled back only when he felt tempted to put his own tongue forward. “That’s..that’s good, Howard.”
“It is?” He said, also a little dazed.
“Yeah..you weren’t too firm or anything, and you weren’t letting me do all the work.” Vince shivered a little. Maybe he shouldn’t have offered to do this. He was supposed to be doing his friend a favour, not getting turned on. Still, there was no going back now. “Do you want to try it once more, so you know you’ve got the hang of it?”
“Okay.”
And so again, for not quite as long; Vince had pulled away, agonised at how slowly it was going. Couldn’t they just jump on each other and let nature take it’s course?
Howard also seemed to want things to get a move on. “Well, that’s just normal kissing sorted, but anyone can do that. What about the other stuff?”
“Alright, hold your horsies. I need to show you what to do with your hands. You can’t just leave them hanging there like an orangutan. Not attractive. The waist is the best.” He guided Howard’s hands to his own. “See, you can just rest them there, and you don’t really have to do anything. When you’re more confident you can do things like hair stroking and that, but as long as you’re holding on to the other person, you’re doing fine.”
He placed his own hands around Howard’s neck.
“Er, ok.” He said uncertainly, and then, “You’d let me touch your hair?”
“Just this once, yeah.” He grinned. “An extra present.”
“Yeah, yeah. Look, you know when you’re about to kiss? Well how do you know which way to go?”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, you know just then I just had my eyes closed and let you do it? Well, what about when two people move forward and they kind of tilt their heads..?”
“Oh! Well, you just kind of watch where the other person’s going and like..fit in. It comes naturally. We can practise a bit of that if you want.”
Howard was quickly assured in that area. They kissed quite a bit, then Vince remembered what he was supposed to be doing.
“See, nothing to it.” He said hurriedly. He hoped Howard couldn’t feel his heart hammering away in his chest. “All this stuff you can pick up naturally, but it’ll help you to have a bit of confidence and experience behind you.”
Howard nodded, scarcely listening. “Now what?”
“Well, I suppose we should try tongues. It’s not like it’s unfamilar territory.”
“Vince, I don’t, I don’t.. know how.”
“Just do what feels natural.”
“But I don’t.”
Vince groaned inwardly. This was a bad idea. He should have just kissed him as he did on the roof and let things go from there.That wasn’t the point, though! He was meant to be helping Howard. Just helping Howard, with no speckles of self-interest. Just helping him out as a friend. He had to stop thinking of him as something more. It wasn’t like they were going to do it or anything. He couldn’t help it though. He’d never been more turned on in his whole life.
“Anyway,” he said hurriedly. “If you kind of relax and let yourself feel sexy, you’ll seem sexy. If you force it, it won’t work. Just do what I did. Move your mouth and tongue against mine.” He rested his forehead against Howard’s. “Do what feels right.”
Howard tightened his arms around Vince instinctively. “Howcome you’re so comfortable with this?”
“Howcome you’re not?” He whispered, forgetting his self-chastisement already. He kissed him without warning and slipped his tongue between his lips.
Surprised, Howard kissed him back, til he too forgot what they were supposed to be doing.
They didn’t pull back til they were both hard and panting.
Howard stroked Vince’s hair. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For the gift of love, baby.”
“Not all this again.”
“I’m right, though! We’ve wasted so much time. We should have just picked up where we left off. The light on in my head, the flick of my switch, it’s more powerful than ever, Vince. I love you, and don’t you deny it and pretend you don’t love me!”
“I’m not. I do. But that little speech is so corny.” He kissed Howard again.
Howard allowed himself to be pushed back and pulled Vince on top of him. “How can you say that?” He said in a hurt voice.
“What?”
“I was declaring my love for you, and you said it was corny.”
“You don’t need to though. I just wanted you to shut up and kiss me.” He paused. “That’s a compliment.”
“Of course I need to!”
“Not like that you don’t.” He smiled coyly, the moonlight reflecting over him, streaking his hair with silver. He looked beautiful. “For now you can just show me.”
Howard pushed Vince against the wall and kissed him there. He allowed his hands to travel down his body, and touched Vince as he would himself. Vince was right, it did come naturally.
Vince didn’t mind being held against the wall with such force. On the contrary, he liked being dominated. He moaned into Howard’s mouth and slid down the wall til they were lying together.
They snatched at eachother’s belts, stroked eachother’s hair, struck up a perfect balance between being violently needy and tender. Inches away from losing his virginity, Howard heard Vince murmur something into his neck.
“Now what?”
“I said I love you too, you berk!”
