First Time for Everything
Category: The Mighty Boosh
Characters: Bob Fossil, Howard Moon, Vince Noir
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Genre: PWP (porn without plot), Romance
Warning: Smut (graphic sex scenes)
Length: 1-5k words
First Time for Everything by spiderweb_kiss
Vince didn’t think he’d ever been so drunk in his whole entire life. Bainbridge’s New Years party had offered a treasure chest of glittering alcopops: luminously pink flirtinis, turquoise Blue Lagoons and an electrifying emerald drink the taste and colour of Night Nurse. Vince had taken to these bright drinks and had one of each, consuming them like vividly-coloured sweets.
He leaned heavily on Howard as they stumbled through the Zooniverse. The animals were dark shadows flitting around their cages, and Howard suddenly remembered that he hadn’t checked on the giraffe. “Do we have to?” Vince moaned, eyes blurry. He just wanted to go back to the hut and–
And do something.
Though he was not as experienced as he would have others think, Vince recognised the feeling inside of him. He was turned on for no apparent reason and he wanted to get off. Not by himself – he could do that whenever he wanted – no, he wanted someone. Anyone.
Howard swerved in the general direction of the giraffe enclosure. “She’s got the most amazing eyelashes,” Vince said to himself absently.
“Hmm?” Howard said, unlocking the padlock and letting them into the enclosure. He checked the giraffe’s food bucket, which was empty. “Who has?”
Rolling his eyes, Vince said, “The giraffe, you nonce. They’d look wicked with some mascara.” He soon lost interest in the giraffe and wandered over to Howard, who was filling the bucket with millets. Being drunk was like having a soft, heavy fire burning inside you, Vince decided. He watched Howard brush his hair away from his neck. The nape of Howard’s neck… what would it be like to put his mouth there?
“He-ey!” Howard shouted in surprise, jumping away from Vince. He felt a jolt of electricity shooting through him, making every single nerve ending tingle, especially where Vince’s cool, soft lips had been. “What… What are you doing?” He turned around and backed himself up against the chain-link fence. Vince blushed and his eyes flicked down, eyelashes thick and dusky. Howard followed his gaze to see that Vince was half hard.
The realisation fell on him like a ton of bricks. Vince was turned on. Oh shite. Oh holy shite. Howard groped for something to say and settled on the neutral, “Well, I’m finished sorting things out here.”
Vince nodded, though he was still resolutely looking into the distance, at the patchwork of blue, violet and black of the night sky. Clouds like torn bits of tissue paper rolled lazily across the moon. A gushing, not-unpleasant ache had started up in his groin, which he tried to ignore since Howard was obviously not up for it. He never would be.
They went back to the hut in awkward silence, and Vince collapsed on the sofa and pulled a pillow onto his lap, embarrassed. He tried to make it go away.
Howard was putting the kettle on, its steamy noise filling in the silence. He set about making the tea, allowing Vince a few moments to pull himself together. Howard’s mind was still rushing with thoughts. He hadn’t known it could be like that, to let somebody touch you. Hadn’t known how amazing someone else could make you feel. But it was Vince, who – apart from anything else – was a man and Howard’s best friend. It was just plain weird for them to be thinking about each other like this.
And then again, he wanted to have that nice feeling again. Desperately.
Trying to shake off all these thoughts, he took the two cups of tea to the sofa and gave one to Vince (who still had a cushion in his lap). Howard tentatively sat down, trying to leave an inch or so between their bodies. Vince looked vulnerable and embarrassed but still had a cheeky slant to his lips that made Howard shift slightly and close the gap between them. He couldn’t help it. Perhaps this was just something he needed.
But there was no way he could possibly say it to Vince out loud, or even do something particularly brazen. Vince shut his eyes and gulped when their bodies came into contact. When his eyes opened again, they met Howard’s. “How… er… How are you doing?” Howard asked quietly, nervously, with a meaningful look downwards.
“I can’t–” Vince stopped and looked away, blushing. I can’t make it go away. I’m drunk.
“Oh,” Howard said stupidly, dizzy with the idea. Just the fact that Vince was sitting next to him, with this awful appalling boner that he couldn’t get rid of, all drunk and young-looking and beautiful. How easy would it be for Howard to simply reach down and slip a hand under the cushion–
Howard leapt off the sofa and immediately turned his back on Vince, but it was no use because Vince had already seen.
Well, this was ridiculous. They were now both hard, and they both knew it, and they weren’t going to do anything about it because they were both men and they were friends and they didn’t even like each other that way.
Howard stared out of the window, back still turned, and tried to will it away. But he’d also had a considerable amount of beer at the party and it was no use. His mind was thick with Vince’s peppermint-and-musk scent, the knowledge that not two feet away that tiny, compact body was flushed with desire… Howard felt light-headed.
And before he knew it, he’d gone back to the sofa and sat down, awkwardly putting his hands in his lap for the sake of dignity. Vince had been watching with big, luminous, unreadable eyes. He drew in a shaky breath. “Howard–”
“Shut up,” Howard said simply, staring straight ahead. He was wrestling with his conscience, well aware that Vince was much more intoxicated than he was and that this was plain wrong anyway, but his mind was hazy with drink and confused thoughts and arousal.
Suddenly Vince let out a yelp and a shocked breath. He turned his eyes to the ceiling and tried to get his body back under control. Oh God. Holy fuck.
Howard paused, and they both looked down at where Howard’s wrist disappeared underneath the cushion on Vince’s lap. Out of nervousness, Howard’s hand twitched and Vince let out a moan, a sexy, lip-bitten noise, returning his gaze to the ceiling and trying to take deep, even breaths.
Finally, still staring upwards, Vince couldn’t stand it any longer. “If you’re going to do it, then do it,” he whispered, almost unable to speak. He was so turned on that it hurt. He was going to die if he did not get off.
He almost cried out when Howard’s hand started moving over the bulge in his trousers. It wasn’t enough, it was nowhere near enough, and he felt his body involuntarily begin to writhe and arch up off the sofa.
“Vince,” Howard said, still rubbing, “Vince. Come on.” He reached his other hand out and touched Vince’s face, holding him still for a second.
“I-You’re not–” Vince tried, but then he gave up and turned around to straddle Howard’s lap. You’re not giving me enough.
Howard coughed nervously. He could hardly believe he had just been-That his hand had been-“Vince, are you sure about this?”
In reply, Vince leaned forward and touched their lips together lightly. Howard’s kiss was messy and uncontrolled but passionate. But by this point, Vince didn’t think there was anything Howard could do that wouldn’t turn him on more. He allowed Howard’s tongue to slide into his mouth and sucked lightly. Almost instantly, he felt Howard get harder between his thighs and rocked experimentally against him.
“Oh,” Howard murmured, unable to stop himself.
Vince did it again, and the noise Howard made almost caused the world to stop turning. Vince stilled, vaguely shocked at how much he liked this, and looked down. Howard’s dark trousers were bulging so much it looked like it might be painful. Mind clouded with lust and unable to think ahead, Vince reached down and touched it, not realising the effect it would have on Howard, who shouted an expletive and blushed bright red, pushing Vince’s hand away.
“I… It’s… I don’t know. This is weird.”
Vince hummed in agreement. “You definitely up for this?” He asked, trailing a hand up Howard’s thigh encouragingly.
Howard managed a gurgle of acquiescence and Vince cupped his hardness again.
“Shit,” Howard hissed.
The sound of Howard so aroused spurred Vince on. He flicked the button of Howard’s trousers and pulled down the zip so he could worm his hand inside Howard’s boxers.
“Oh! Shit, Vince. Oh God.”
Tentatively, Vince took hold of Howard properly, leaving Howard reeling. Vince’s hand is in my boxers. He’s touching me. He’s-
Throwing his head back against the sofa, Howard’s back arched and he writhed as he came explosively in his pants. Vince watched, transfixed, as Howard bucked into his hand. When it was over, Howard’s head remained thrown back and his eyes stayed shut. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. Vince had barely had to touch him.
The hand was slowly withdrawn and Howard forced himself to open his eyes. Vince was carefully wiping his hand on the bottom of his t-shirt. “That has to be the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen,” he said quietly, looking up at Howard through his eyelashes.
Laughing uneasily, Howard suddenly remembered that Vince still hadn’t… Well. He was going to have to do something about that.
Very slowly, he took hold of Vince’s hips, slipping his fingers through the belt loops, and pulled Vince up so that he was kneeling on the sofa, one leg either side of Howard. Vince looked down, blushing furiously at the sight of his crotch right in Howard’s face. Howard’s hands shook as he undid Vince’s jeans and pulled his boxers down.
“You don’t have to,” Vince said thickly when he saw what Howard meant to do, but he was ignored and Howard took the tip of his cock into his mouth. “Fuck!” Vince felt his entire body tense, nerves and synapses flickering with signals, skin flushing red. “Howard, please–” he put his hand gently on the back of his friend’s head, coaxing him to go further. To his eternal shame, Vince found himself panting and wriggling, trying to find more contact. Their eyes met and Vince was sure he saw a smirk in Howard’s gaze. Yes, darling, like that. Writhe for me. I can make you scream. Howard applied a little suction and tried to take Vince deeper into his mouth, instantly triggering an orgasm.
Vince had never come so hard or so fast before, and all but collapsed onto the sofa. Howard came up choking, completely unused to it. When Vince saw, he laughed sympathetically and pulled him into his arms. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t even speak to warn you.”
Howard drew in a shaky breath. Overwhelmed and unable to talk about anything to do with sex at all, he buried his face in the flushed, sticky curve of Vince’s neck. They wrapped their arms around each other and Vince hooked a leg possessively over Howard, a position they would still be in the next morning when Bob Fossil came in looking for them.
Chapter End Notes: Never happened. Am liar. Not earning money from the filthy lies.