Through the Haze

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What is it that Noel and Julian feel for each other? They can’t quite figure that out, or what they should do about it. These two have a long way to go together.

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[nextpage title=”Chapter One”]

Chapter One

It was a late afternoon and the open flat was filled with a hazy, pink-orange light. The kitchen counter they sat at, as always, was cluttered. It was dead silent; their chatter had died out what seemed like hours ago. Noel sat sketching random drawings in one of his notebooks while Julian was reading over some notes he’d made, his feet propped up on a spare stool. He brought his mug up to his lips to take a sip, only to find that it was empty. He sighed and stood up, carrying it around the counter to pour himself more tea.

When he returned, picking his notes back up to continue, Noel looked up for the first time in an hour, his face scrunched up in concentration. “Julian?”

“Mm?” Julian sat his mug back down, keeping his eyes focused on the paper in front of him.

“I should move in, yeah?” Noel’s tone was innocent. It had obviously been a question, but had sounded so matter-of-fact that Julian was a bit thrown. He jerked his head up, his face now contorted. “Move in??”

“Yeah! Why not?” Noel’s face flashed from concentration to excitement in the blink of an eye, as if he’d just now realized how brilliant he thought his own idea was.

“But I’ve only got the one bed.” Julian gestured, confused, towards the area that was meant to be the bedroom, hidden behind a large divider.

“Ah, it’s no problem! The couch ain’t too bad, I’ve slept on it loads of times this month as it is. What would be the difference really?” Noel had that keyed up expression spread across his face. That one with the wide grin that made him seem like a child who had just discovered a load of sweets.

After a few moments of thought, Julian asked, “do you really want to move in here? It would be really boring compared to your place.” He couldn’t think of much else to say. He didn’t have much objection to the idea of Noel moving in. The flat was large, with high ceilings and a completely open style floor plan. It intimidated Julian a bit, how quiet it could get with its plain white walls and dark wood floors. It was better when Noel was there. He made the place feel different; alive. It made this time of day, with the sunset casting shadows in, seem peaceful. The quiet was soothing just now, rather than a bout of pressure against his eardrums.

“Nah,” Noel smiled sweetly, “it’d be great. I like it here.” He smiled up at the tall windows on the opposite wall, his big round eyes reflecting back the mix of colors the fading sun was sending through.

Julian will always remember the first night quite vividly.

He and Noel had spent the day lugging things between flats, preferring to get it all over with. It had been just passed dusk when they’d finally dropped the last box beneath the windows. They slumped against Noel’s trunk that now sat in the middle of the living area, serving as a coffee table. Julian reached behind him, breaking into a case of beers and handing one to Noel. They sat facing the windows, watching as the last light disappeared.

The flat slowly became pitched black, save for a few street lights glowing through the dark night. The two sat in utter silence as they worked their way through the case, drinking and staring into nothingness. Perfectly content with the world and each other’s company.

Once Julian felt his mind begin to blur, he decided to head to bed. He set a near empty bottle on the floor beside him and stood, pushing off the trunk for support. He looked down at Noel, realizing he’d fallen asleep. He wondered how long they’d been sitting there for. He reached down and gently shook his shoulder. “Hmm?” Noel’s eyes fluttered open and Julian could tell that he was much closer to drunk, with sleepiness to boot. He helped him to his feet and led him to the couch a few feet away, lying him down against the small pile of pillows he’d left there earlier. Julian reached over Noel to grab a folded blanket off the back of the couch.

“Ju,” Noel mumbled, his eyes unwilling to open again. Julian unfolded the blanket and began to lay it over him, not answering. “Ju?” A moment passed and Julian stood there waiting for more words to follow. Noel finally managed to open his eyes again, “I’m glad I met you, Ju.”

“You mean stalked me?” Julian smirked, not bothering to keep his face straight in the dark. But Noel’s eyes were already sliding shut again. Julian gave a smile and walked around the couch, slipping behind the divider.

There was nothing that stood out about it really. But Julian could always recall a faint click that night. He was sure it had been his life falling into place.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Two”]

Chapter Two

The soft, dim light of the rising sun crept behind the divider to wake Julian. He opened his eyes to find a hand hanging over his face, a bit clammy. He sighed, annoyed, and batted it away with a bit more force than he’d intended. Sitting up, he dangled his legs over the side of the bed and glanced behind him at Noel, who was still fully dressed from the previous night.

Noel hadn’t been living with him for very long, though an outsider might have thought otherwise. His things were strewn all around the flat. It wasn’t messy really; there was just a touch of Noel in every crevice. He kept sweets in random places, his paints were set in a corner near Julian’s guitar, different pairs of shoes were lined beneath the windows, and his CDs piled around the banged up stereo system. “It isn’t banged up! It’s just been well used, that’s all,” Julian would protest in an effort to defend his beloved stereo. He’d had it for so many years, and one of the speakers crackled. “Well used? It’s got dents, Ju!” Noel would give him a matter-of-fact look, leaving him with no rebuttal.

It had been another one of those nights; the two had been so drunk on sleep deprivation that when Julian finally brought himself to crawl into bed, Noel just followed him, still chatting away. Every morning after this happened, Julian always awoke to Noel’s hand hanging over his face. No matter what precaution he attempted in his drowsy state, Noel always ended up in that same stupid position. And every time, Julian made a little vow to kick him out – or maybe build a wall with a door that locked – which he usually forgot about by the time he was brushing his teeth.

Julian looked around groggily, his eyes finding the clock, and realized it was only about six in the morning. Rubbing his face, he looked over at Noel again, finding the reason he’d been freezing all night; Noel had all of the sheets tangled about his legs. Noel’s forehead, like the hand he’d batted away, was clammy. That always happened with him. Noel would toss, and turn, and get tangled, and dream deep, resulting in a thin sheath of sweat every morning.

Julian searched his face for a moment, feeling a mixture of annoyance and affection, unsure of which he felt more of. Reaching over, he carefully untangled the sheets from Noel, stopping to unzip his boots and letting them drop to the floor with a low thud. He lay back again, covering himself with the sheets. Noel’s outline played in the corner of his eye; his dirty blond hair splayed out on the pillow, his arms arranged crookedly on either side of his head. Julian turned over, facing away from him. Sleep tugged at his eyelids, and a few minutes later he was drifting far away to the back of his brain…

Then a hand smacked over his face. There was an exhale of hot breath that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Julian yanked back the covers and stormed back around the divider, snatching a pillow up and throwing it down onto the couch.

A dog bark rang sharp through the air from a few blocks away. Noel started, jerking up, and immediately fell off the bed, smacking onto the hardwood. “Oh… Fuck.” His face pressed into the wood, the smell filling his nostrils, and he stared under the bed for a moment before pushing himself up. He wiped the perspiration from his forehead with his shirt sleeve and grabbed his boots from beside him before heading out to the living area.

Returning the boots to their place in the line up beneath the window, Noel noted Julian sleeping on the couch, snoring away softly. He passed into the kitchen to make some tea, grabbing up a handful of Jelly Babies from a bag behind the mugs and snarfing them down. He set a mug down on the makeshift coffee table for Julian before heading back behind the divider. Noel walked over to Julian’s bureau, tugging open drawers. Ten minutes later, he dropped a pile of clothes onto Julian’s stomach as he sipped from his own mug.

Julian grunted and Noel ruffled his hair up a bit. “You wanted to go to the grocery store today, remember?”

Julian opened one eye, peering up at Noel. “When did I say that?”

“Last night. You said we had nothing to eat and that we should go shopping in the morning,” Noel explained coolly, sitting down on the trunk.

Julian couldn’t remember saying anything like that. But then, he couldn’t remember much else from last night either. Noel usually had a spot on memory though, so he just went with it.

An hour later, the two were walking through the store, Noel pushing a shopping trolley and Julian walking close on his heels with a list in hand. “What is this,” Julian asked in confusion, narrowing his eyes at the list.

“What?” Noel glanced back to find Julian glaring at him.

“This list you made. It’s all rubbish.” Noel just stared at him blankly and after a moment, Julian looked back down and began reading off the items. “Teacakes, Rice Krispies, Wagon Wheels–”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Noel interrupted, “I’ve got other things on there!”

“Oh, you mean bread, tea, and jam,” Julian asked mockingly.

“Well, if you’ve got a problem with my lists, then maybe you should start making the lists instead,” Noel shot back, dropping his hands from the trolley.

“Yeah. Yeah, maybe I will… And while I’m at it, maybe I should draw you up a map so you know where the couch is,” Julian said lamely.

“What?” Noel looked at him as if he’d just spoken backwards.

“Yeah, the couch. Since you seem to have forgotten where it is.” Julian shifted his weight, resting his hands on his hips.

“Ugh, whatever.” Noel rolled his eyes at him before walking off with the trolley. Julian was left standing in front of the biscuits. “What?” He sighed, feeling like an idiot for even mentioning it. He glanced around for a moment, unsure of what to do with himself, then grabbed up a couple packages of Teacakes and wandered off to find Noel.

It was a muggy day and Julian had been out for most of it, running errands. He came home in the late afternoon to find Noel standing on a chair, hanging one of his paintings in place above the stereo. Julian set his things on the counter and his eyes bulged as they roamed around the flat. Noel glanced over at Julian as he hopped off the chair. “I’m just about finished! I’ve got to pick a few more things up tomorrow, but what do you think?”

Julian’s eyes took yet another sweep around, taking in the giant and colorful rug that now framed the living area, the many paintings of Noel’s that were set at a juxtaposition all along the right wall, the now black divider, and finally the large, gaudy red curtains that hung from ceiling to floor on either side of the line of windows. “I… What is that,” Julian asked, unable to pry his eyes from the giant red curtains. Noel followed his gaze towards them and excitement flicked across his face, his eyes lighting up. “Oh, check this out, yeah?!” He practically danced over to the right curtain and pulled it along to close it over the windows, then did the same with the left side. “They’re like stage curtains,” he exclaimed, standing at the center. “You mentioned all the light that comes in here bothering you in the mornings, so I got these!”

Julian wanted to say something cynical, something sarcastic and grumpy, something that condemned the ridiculous amount of color that was exploding in the room just then. But all he could do was break out in a grin. “You like it?” Noel asked, unsure. “I wanted to do something. This was all I could think of. And the place needed it anyway. I’ve been wanting to decorate for the longest time.”

“Yeah little man, I love it,” Julian burst out into laughter, walking over to look up at the paintings. Noel walked over, touching a hand to Julian’s left shoulder. Julian looked down at him after a moment, at the small but joyous smile that was playing across his lips, and leant down to kiss him without a thought. Noel felt his heart skip a beat, but he was somehow not surprised. Julian’s lips were pressing against his, and it fit too well for him to be taken aback.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Three”]

Chapter Three

Noel and Julian had stumbled backward to the couch; Noel’s fingers pulling through Julian’s soft hair, Julian’s hands cupping over Noel’s hips. Julian’s mind was blank, wanting to worry about what Noel was thinking but never making it there. They were sat awkwardly on the couch. Julian rubbed Noel’s side, crushing his lips to his. He bit at his bottom lip, causing Noel to let out a soft sigh of pleasure before gripping at the nape of Julian’s neck. Something shot through Julian; a shock at how sure he was. Then Noel was pushing him down and entwining their legs without breaking the kiss. Julian clutched Noel’s face in one hand, his other fingers creeping down to his waistband. Noel slipped his tongue into Julian’s mouth and it was all hot breath between them. Julian’s fingers slipped beneath Noel’s waistband, sneaking down his backside further and further. Noel moaned softly into his mouth.

Five sharps raps on the door snapped their eyes open and made them jump away from each other. Julian blinked at Noel for a long moment, a million confused thoughts running through his brain. But Noel’s eyes weren’t giving any answers. He stood, scratching his head, and ambled over to answer the door. He opened it, a bit dazed, to find his little brother Mike standing there.

He blinked. “Hey! What are you doing here?”

“Hey,” Mike smiled, walking passed Noel. “Just thought I’d fly in for the week to hang out with some people. Thought I could stay here.” He dropped his two bags of luggage against the right wall, then glanced over to see Julian, still frozen on the couch. “Alright, Julian?”

“Alright, Mike,” Julian choked out before clearing his throat. Noel closed the door, an eyebrow arched. “You couldn’t call ahead first? And why can’t you stay with someone else?”

“Well, I just thought it would be easier,” Mike shrugged.

Noel sighed, rubbing his face with one hand. “Do you mind, Julian?”

Julian looked up, still lost in his own thoughts. “Oh, no. No, that’s fine.”

Noel sighed again, his hands now on his hips, looking at his brother for a moment. “Alright, you can stay. But just for a week, yeah?”

Dark had fallen sometime ago. Mike had slipped out, insisting he’d be back to collapse on the couch before morning. Noel had already headed to bed, grabbing a Wagon Wheel from a package hidden behind the toaster on his way. That had been an hour ago, and now Julian was sat on the couch again, playing the random notes of random songs offhandedly on his guitar as he stared off into space. His mind kept flashing back to earlier that day; what it felt like to have Noel’s fingers tangled in his hair, what it tasted like when their breath and their tongues mingled together, the smooth skin that waited beneath Noel’s waistband, the feel of Noel’s face against his palm, their legs entangling each other, their hearts pounding in such close proximity.

The memory repeated over and over in his head, each time falling just short of satisfying him. Until finally his mind flooded passed it and made him remember what had happened afterward. Noel had acted mostly normal for the rest of the day, not missing a beat. Julian on the other hand had become all jittery. More than usual. His hands danced around as he sped through conversation with Mike, stopping in awkward places because he forgot where they were meant to go next. He’d even knocked Noel’s mug clean off the kitchen counter.

“Oi, Ju! You’ve been such a spazz all day,” he’d said, kneeling over to mop up the tea with a dishtowel before it could soak into the hardwood.

A few times he’d gotten the courage to meet Noel’s eyes, but he wouldn’t have it. Which was just so out of character for Noel. Now, Julian sighed and laid his guitar against the trunk before sinking back into the cushions, sick of thinking about it. His next task was crawling into bed beside Noel.

As Julian battled it out in his mind, Noel was wide awake on the other side of the divider, listening to Julian’s soft tones on the guitar until he’d put it down. He was thinking about how much he’d adored this man since he’d first seen him, how thrilled he’d been to become his best friend later on. But how was he meant to take this? He loved Julian for everything he was, but being with him in this manner had never crossed his mind. Or at least not consciously. He kept recalling the look on Julian’s face as he’d leant down to kiss him; it was soft and pleased, his chocolate eyes melting as he’d met his. The rest was nearly blank; a mass of hot, damp breath, and then he was jumping to his feet to let his brother in. He didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted his friend to be his friend.

He heard Julian clear his throat and push himself off the couch. Noel quietly turned on his side, facing towards the bathroom and holding the pillow under his head. He began studying the wall intently, his eyes wide, before realizing he should probably shut them if he was pretending to be asleep.

He listened as Julian’s feet padded around the divider to the opposite side of the bed, as he removed his shirt and threw it in the corner, as he cleared his throat again. Then he felt his weight sink onto the bed beside him, the sheets get shifted as he pulled them back and over himself. He tried to steady his breath, tried not to swallow hard enough to be heard. He listened for Julian’s breathing, but it was barely audible. He lay frozen, his position eventually growing uncomfortable, but he didn’t dare move. He eventually fell asleep, faintly hearing the front door open and click shut, just hoping he wouldn’t feel Julian’s hand reach over to touch him.

Julian woke up to find the other side of the bed empty. Something new considering he usually woke up before Noel. He walked into the living area half an hour later, showered and dressed, to find Mike still passed out on the couch. He found Noel sitting at the kitchen counter, a large bowl of Rice Krispies in front of him. He quietly made himself a cup of tea and stood on the opposite side, sipping awkwardly. Only Julian could make that possible. Noel looked up from the magazine he’d been reading. “You didn’t use your curtains! Did you forget to close them last night?” Noel spoke through a mouthful of cereal, spoon in hand.

“Uh, yeah. I guess I did.” Julian shrugged, surprised to have eye contact for the first time since yesterday. Noel shoveled more Rice Krispies into his mouth and Julian scanned the flat, his eyes falling over the new décor. “I’m gonna head out for the day. Got some things to do.” Julian cleared his throat and set his cup down, ready to spring for his coat and leave. Noel looked up into his eyes again for a moment, searching intently, making Julian freeze on the spot in horror. Noel just shrugged, looking back down at his magazine. “Fine,” perfectly content.

The rest of that week was much the same. Julian eventually realized it would be best for everyone if he spoke as little as possible and kept his hands folded. He ventured out of the flat as much as was plausible, and was incessantly disturbed by Noel’s eye contact. Noel had to admit that he enjoyed watching Julian squirm. But mostly he was hoping that if he kept acting normal, as if nothing had occurred between them, then Julian would return to ordinary behavior as well.

Mike left a week later, as promised, on a Thursday. The front door of the flat fell shut and Julian’s hands seemed to steady. Noel glanced up at him, studying his eyes for what seemed like the millionth time. He was confused with what he saw there. The usual terror he’d met that week seemed to have melted slightly. Julian, staring back at icy blue, felt a sort of resolve wash over him. His mind fixated and he only faintly noticed his legs bending, urging his body forward. Now Noel’s eyes showed a faint sign of terror, but Julian was too resolute to consider stopping himself.

Noel found Julian’s lips pressing against his own. He kissed back softly at first, out of reflex, then his eyes were widening, staring at Julian’s closed lids. He pulled back, his bearings surging back through him. “What are you doing?!” Noel stared at him, his mouth slightly ajar, and walked back a couple of steps, his back finding the door.

Julian looked back at him, confused. “What am I doing?” He looked around wildly, trying to remember words. “Kissing you?” he said finally.

“Why?!” Noel blurted. Julian just gaped at him, his mouth hanging open. Now he couldn’t even remember syllables. A moment of silence, then Noel walked passed him, his face contorted with a mixture of confusion and mild disgust. Julian’s mouth snapped shut after what seemed like an eternity. He grabbed his cigarettes off the kitchen counter and walked out the door.

Julian leaned up against the building as he lit a cigarette. The cold night air nipped at his bare arms but he tried to ignore it. The entire week he’d been trying to sort things through his head. He wondered why Noel had been acting so calm, cool, and collect. He’d assumed it was because he felt okay about it. What other conclusion should he have come to? It wasn’t like he had much to go on. He stared up at the dark sky, taking the cigarette between his fingers and watching the smoke float above him. He’d had no idea he’d felt this way about Noel. All week he’d been trying to shake it off, dismiss such nonsense. But it lingered. Through the haze of terror Noel saw in his eyes, he couldn’t help but look back into his. He saw nothing but peace there. Those pools of bright blue filled him up with a happiness that he couldn’t possibly refute. So he caved into it. And now he was standing here alone in the cold like a complete idiot. He sighed, dropping his cigarette to the ground to grind it out with his shoe. He looked back towards the building’s entrance, considered for a moment, then leaned back against the building to light another.

He was staring up at the sky, his mind lost up in that dark expanse, when he heard a clacking noise coming toward him. He glanced to his right to find Noel walking towards him, then immediately down at his very audible red boots. “Thought you’d want this,” Noel said as he approached, holding out Julian’s coat. He had a handful of Strawberry Boot Laces in his other hand, which he instantly jammed in his mouth. Julian took a long drag on his cigarette as he took the coat from him. He put it on before going back to staring at the sky.

Noel watched him for a moment before leaning on the wall next to him. They were silent for a few minutes until Noel finally had to say something, having a hard enough time not fidgeting. “It was fun, Ju.”

Julian’s head snapped to look at him. “Fun?” His eyes narrowed, his features molding into anger. Noel pushed off the wall, shoving his hands into his coat pockets. “Yeah. It was fun. I’m sorry you took it another way.”

Julian laughed dryly, looking everywhere but at Noel. He threw his cigarette down and walked off towards the entrance. Noel stayed where he was, staring down at the cigarette. He heard the door slam and let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. His heart leaped and thudded, confused at how to react.

Noel bit his lip, regret slowly leaking through his body. He reached the toe of his boot forward to grind out Julian’s cigarette and whispered, “I love you, Julian.”

[nextpage title=”Chapter Four”]

Chapter Four

It was a gloomy day. Dark clouds were forming overhead as they walked towards Noel’s potential flat. Noel lagged behind Julian, his eyes on the tufts of grey in the sky and his hands shoved in his pockets. After a long week of silence between them, Julian had scheduled to walk through a flat that Noel could move into. It wasn’t very far from Julian’s, and Noel wondered vaguely if that dog that had woken him lived around here.

Julian made an abrupt stop in front of the building, hitting the button to buzz up. They stood there for a minute, Noel looking around shiftily. Two minutes, three minutes. Julian buzzed up again. Four minutes, five minutes. He pulled a fag from a pack in his shirt pocket and lit it. “She must be late.”

Noel sat down on a low step, folding his hands over his knees, as Julian leant up against the building. They stayed like that for awhile; Julian smoking and Noel sitting, watching as different people walked by. Noel’s mind was racing. He didn’t want this. The thought of living on his own shook him to his core. The thought of living without Julian muddled his mind and tore at his chest. The best he could do was fight to keep his face from grimacing.

“Fuck.” Julian’s voice pulled him back to reality and, to his dismay, made his heart leap a bit. He looked behind him. “What?”

Julian was wiping at his face. “Rain,” he said, as if it were a demon. Noel struggled to bite back a grin as he felt a couple of drops hit his own head. Then it was pouring. Noel sprung to his feet and they both tried to huddle beneath a low awning that hung over the door. The rain was slanting in at them and soaked through their clothes.

“I think we should make a run for it back to the flat, yeah?” Noel asked, looking up at Julian, who was shaking the now drenched cigarette he’d been smoking from his fingers. “Yeah, whatever,” Julian responded, avoiding eye contact. Noel took off a beat later, sprinting towards their flat. He soon felt water sloshing around in his shoes, his hair heavy and sticking to his face. He glanced back to see Julian walking as if it were bright and sunny out.

He ran back towards him. “What are you doing?”

“Walking,” he replied in a monotone, eyes focused straight ahead on nothing in particular. Noel tugged at his hand. “C’mon, Ju.”

Julian yanked his hand away. “I’ll meet you there.”

Noel rolled his eyes and was off running again. Five minutes later he was at the building, realizing he was keyless. Aggravated, he glanced around for Julian, urging him to come into view. He waited for what seemed like an eternity, his clothes sticking to his skin uncomfortably. He thought he smelled something. That mixture of sweet smoke with a touch of delicious cologne that he new so well to be Julian’s scent.

His head whipped to the left, and there he was, looking gorgeous. “Forgot your keys?” he asked. Noel nodded, a sweet smile spreading across his face. He was confused when Julian smiled back at him, but too pleased to think about it. Julian walked toward him, digging his keys from his pocket. He leaned down and kissed Noel on the lips. When he pulled back, Noel grabbed his face in his hands and clung to him, his lips drawing towards his as if by magnetic force. Julian wrapped his hands around his waist, and Noel was smiling into the kiss, slipping his tongue in and against Julian’s.

There was a crash of thunder behind him that he readily ignored. He wondered vaguely how he could have smelled Julian through the pouring rain, but didn’t much care with Julian’s lips smacking against his own. There was another clash of thunder. But Noel noticed that it didn’t sound like thunder at all. It sounded like a different kind of crash.

He felt the oddest sensation, as if Julian was floating away from him. Another crash; his eyes snapped open. He was looking into darkness, his breath ragged, his face dripping with sweat. He pushed himself up to see Julian in the kitchen, washing dishes. He looked back down, realizing he’d had his face buried in the corner of the couch. He gulped, still trying to catch his breath.

He struggled to remember his last real memory. His eyes scoured the wall across from the couch, searching his paintings for some trigger. Then he remembered the night before. He remembered walking back upstairs, into the flat. Julian had already shut all the lights off and crashed into his own bed. Noel had stumbled to the couch, kicking off his boots and collapsing into it, a weight sitting in his stomach.

Now he felt nauseous.

Julian was wiping down the counter when Noel emerged from the bathroom, showered and changed. “Want some tea?” Noel asked, walking into the kitchen. Julian didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to speak to Noel yet. A few minutes later, Noel set down a mug in front of Julian anyway as he walked back around the counter to sit opposite from him.

Julian stared at it for a moment. He felt Noel’s eyes on him and knew he had to do something. When he’d stormed into the flat last night, he was nearly blind with anger and hurt. He’d spent much of the night lying awake in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. His mind had battled back and forth on what he should do next. He came to the sour realization that he had deep feelings for Noel. But he also knew that he was capable folding them away. He could do that. He could shun them and, in time, just be Noel’s best friend again. But when he’d forced himself out of bed that morning, he still wasn’t sure.

Now he was staring into a mug of tea. This was it. He had to make a decision. So he did. He turned around to rummage in one of the cupboards for a moment, coming back with a package of Teacakes and setting them down in front of Noel. Noel smiled at it and slowly pulled it closer. Julian brought the mug to his lips to sip at it. He looked over at the windows, the big red curtains hanging on either side, and ran the thought through his head again… So, they would be friends.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Five”]

Chapter Five

Author’s Notes: The entire time I was writing this chapter, I had Set The Fire To The Third Bar by Snow Patrol on repeat. It really inspired the whole chapter!

A long month passed. Noel and Julian threw themselves into writing for the Boosh, barely ever sleeping. It wasn’t out of the ordinary to find Noel sitting atop the kitchen counter, surrounded with Chinese food cartons, pizza boxes, or packages of sweets, motioning enthusiastically with his hands. Julian would often sit on the trunk. They’d yell across the flat at each other, springing to their feet at random over ideas. It seemed like the flat was never silent. If they weren’t chattering away, Julian was sitting on the couch playing his guitar, Noel perched on the arm talking over it.

They’d talk until their throats were sore, and then take turns choosing CDs to play on Julian’s stereo, lying on the carpet, or the hardwood. Julian often found himself on the windowsill, playing with the red curtains Noel had gotten for him as his eyes drifted shut. They got a lot of noise complaints from neighbors that month.

Their chests burned, satisfied with each other’s company and screaming to be closer at the same time. Julian lived for those mornings he’d wake up to see those gaudy curtains hanging above him. He’d look over to find Noel passed out wherever he’d landed, hearing the last CD they’d put on repeating over again. He’d make an effort at cleaning up the cluttered counter, giving up when he realized they’d scribbled things down on a pizza box again.

Noel would wake up to a fresh mug of tea sitting beside him on the floor, glancing around to smile up at Julian. If he wasn’t in sight he’d just grin like an idiot as he brought the mug to his lips. But then there were those moments when they were apart. Julian would run up to the store for cigarettes, or Noel would go out to get them food, and it would all catch up to them. Noel would break into a panic attack in the middle of the store and sprint for the bathroom to fall apart. At that same moment, Julian would be back at the flat, running his fingers over the curtains or chain smoking in his spot on the side of the building.

One night, Julian was standing in the kitchen making tea, Noel balanced on the counter, as rain began to pound at the windows. Julian was talking as Noel’s mind wandered back to the dream he’d had so many nights ago. He stared down at his mismatched socks, his mind far away. He wondered how long this cycle would last, what would break it, what had the potential to drive them their separate directions. “…but that wouldn’t make much sense, would it?” Julian asked, facing Noel and handing him a package of Teacakes.

“What?” Noel jerked his head up, taking the box.

“Have you been listening?” Julian asked, resting a hand on his hip.

“Oh,” Noel nodded, “yeah. Hey Ju?”

“Mmm?” Julian responded, leaning against the counter, a Chinese food carton in hand.

“Why don’t we go out tonight?” Noel hadn’t thought it through but, as it hung in the air, he liked the sound of it.

Julian considered for a moment, his brow furrowed. “Oh. I don’t know,” he said, looking to the floor. “You want to?”

“Yeah!” Noel grinned. “It’ll be fun. We’ve been shut up in here for an eternity.”

Julian, feeling uncertain, looked up into Noel’s eyes. That was all the convincing he needed.

An hour later, Julian was getting drinks for them at the bar of a club. He turned around, finding a bunch of bodies that weren’t Noel’s and sighed, annoyed. He found an empty table and set their drinks down, waiting for Noel to return.

Noel had gotten distracted when he’d seen an old friend. He’d wandered across the club to talk to her for awhile, finding himself alone when she got tugged away by a group of friends. He glanced around for Julian now, remembering their drinks. He searched for his dark hair and the bright green shirt he was wearing, squeezing through the bodies that surrounded him. After a few minutes of no luck, he felt that edge coming closer. That edge that meant he’d start into a panic attack soon. He rested against a column, pushing his hair out of his eyes. He took a deep breath and counted to ten, something he’d learned to do this passed month.

He looked back up, taking a slow sweep of the people around him. Near the far wall, he found a head of dark hair, the backside of a green shirt, and his heart leapt. He pushed off from the column and started over, realizing half way there that he was talking to an unfamiliar dark haired woman. His breath caught in his throat. He stood frozen, watching as she laughed at something he said. His stomach twisted, his palms beginning to feel clammy.

No. No, this wasn’t going to happen. No. “No,” Noel said to himself. And then he was marching over, willingly handing himself over to his reflexes to do as they pleased. He was there in less time than he thought it’d take him. He grabbed Julian’s left arm, whipping him around and planting his lips to his.

It didn’t taste right. Had Julian’s taste changed in a month’s time? Could that happen? No, Noel knew his scent and this wasn’t right. He felt a set of palms shove him back and he just barely caught himself. He looked up, his mouth falling open when he saw that it really wasn’t Julian. It was some stranger. Some stranger chatting up some random girl. What part of him had accepted so easily that Julian would do such a thing?

“What the fuck?!” This stranger was yelling in his face and Noel didn’t know what to do next. He’d done the wrong thing. He’d missed a beat, unsure of how to answer, and bone was smacking against his jaw. He stumbled backwards, catching himself again. His mind was jumbled. Where were his reflexes now? Noel considered faintly that they only knew how to work with Julian. But then the stranger’s fist was coming at him again and he just stared at it, not comprehending. It met his nose and he heard a crunching noise that rocked through him. He shook his head, looking around to find himself on the floor. He couldn’t remember feeling that impact.

“Fucking cunt!” The stranger yelled down at him. Had he been yelling at him this whole time? His brain was still frozen. He felt a sharpness in his side. Then another. Then another. Life came rushing back. He hadn’t noticed the music playing the entire time, either. The stranger had kicked him in his ribs. But he wasn’t hovering over him anymore. He looked around, struggling to support himself on his elbows. He found two green shirts, two heads of dark hair. “Oh fuck,” he thought, “now I’m seeing double, aren’t I?”

He narrowed his eyes, fighting to see better. No, that was the stranger there. And that… That was Julian. Julian holding the stranger’s shirt in one hand. Julian punching him in the face over and over with his other hand clenched in a fist. Noel tried to hold his focus on the scene, but it kept blurring. He felt his head lolling back, the music fading away again.

Noel felt something cool and moist pressing against his face. It took him a moment to remember how to open his eyes. A blur of colors slowly sharpened. He was looking up at the familiar white ceiling of the flat, Julian’s face taking up much of his vision. He was looking at something to his right, not noticing that Noel was now conscious. “Jules?” Noel whispered, his voice a bit raspy.

Julian looked down at him, meeting his eyes and smiling. “Hey. How do you feel?” Julian brought a wad of moist gauze to Noel’s face, dabbing around his nose.

Noel thought for a moment, willing his brain to bring him up to speed on his body’s condition. It didn’t feel great. “Sore,” Noel croaked.

“I bet,” Julian replied, grimacing but trying to keep a smile.

“What happened?” Noel asked.

“Well, I was sitting at a table near the bar, waiting for you. I heard this commotion and wandered over to find you in the middle of it. Of course. This guy was ready to explode. I pulled him away and got you out of there.” Julian shrugged, still dabbing at Noel’s face.

Noel’s mind worked back to what he could remember. He was sure that he’d seen him punching that man. But Julian wasn’t going to mention it. “How bad is it?” Noel asked after a few minutes of silence.

“You’ll be okay,” Julian began, taking a deep breath. “I’m surprised he didn’t break your nose. I guess you can only break it so many times.” He chuckled and Noel couldn’t help but smile. “Anyway, I couldn’t work out what you did to make this guy so angry. What happened?”

Noel’s face fell. He couldn’t work out anything clever to say, a rare occurrence for him. “Oh. Well, I thought it was you. You know, he was wearing that stupid green color too.”

Julian smiled, reaching beside him for fresh gauze. “So what did you do?”

Noel frowned, his eyes searching the air, hoping he’d left behind some words for himself to use in a situation like this. He came up blank, his gaze returning to Julian to find chocolate eyes looking very intently into his own. His mouth fell open and words were tumbling out. He had no control. His Julian Reflex must have kicked back in. “I kissed him. I thought you were chatting up a girl, so I walked up to you, and I kissed you. Only it wasn’t you,” he looked around awkwardly, “obviously.”

A flick of light shot through Julian’s eyes, fading away just as quickly as it’d come. He looked confused. “Why did you do that?”

Noel took a deep breath, wanting to find the right words for this. He sat up on the couch, feeling dull thuds reverberating through his ribs. He looked up again, finding Julian’s eyes. He knew no better comfort. “I love you.” There was no other way of saying it, really. “Julian,” he began again, watching intently as that light steadily grew in Julian’s eyes again, “I love you.”

Julian looked away, shaking his head, an awkward laugh coming out. “No, you said–”

“Fuck what I said,” Noel exclaimed, sitting up straighter and swinging his legs over the side of the couch. He gathered Julian’s hands into his own. “Julian,” he whispered, watching as he kept shaking his head back and forth, “Julian, look at me.”

Julian swallowed hard, casting his eyes slowly over to meet Noel’s. “I’m sorry I lied. I was… I was scared… I know that isn’t a proper excuse though.” Noel’s voice caught in his throat, his eyes pleading with Julian’s. “I’m in love with you, Jules. I am in love with you and I can’t make it go away.” His breathing picked up and he realized his heart was pounding against his chest. “I don’t want it to go away… Julian, I need you. Nothing feels right when you’re not around.”

He was looking back into Noel’s big, round eyes and he couldn’t find words. All of the walls he’d been carefully building that month, that had taken the comfort of red curtains, of brightly colored paintings, of Teacakes beside his pack of cigarettes on the shop counter to secure, crumbled. He turned his palms over, against Noel’s, and leaned forward. His lips met Noel’s in a soft kiss. They parted for a moment, and the need they’d been withholding burned, electricity branching out between them.

Julian’s hands flew up to Noel’s head and they were kissing deeply. Julian climbed forward, straddling Noel’s lap. Their lips met softly, but urgently, their minds floating miles above them. All that mattered was the moments they were creating. Noel turned, pushing Julian down onto the couch and lying on top of him. Julian grasped Noel’s face in one hand, the other smoothing under his shirt. Noel pushed back to remove it, throwing it over the back of the couch. Their lips met again and, like the first time, Julian’s hands wandered down Noel’s backside. His fingers crept beneath his waistband.

Noel was sitting up again, this time to yank Julian’s shirt away. He smoothed his palms over Julian’s bare chest, smiling into his eyes. Julian smiled back, reaching a hand up to push hair from Noel’s eyes. He stood up from the couch then, tugging at Julian’s hands. Julian stood up reluctantly. “Where are we going?”

Noel grinned. “Have you really forgotten that there’s a bed in this flat?”

Julian grinned back. “Oh, right.”

Noel walked determinedly behind the divider, Julian in tow. Noel sat down on the bed immediately and Julian smiled down at him. He undid Noel’s trousers, pulling them down timidly. Noel beamed up at him, leaning forward to undo Julian’s. He held his hips, kissing the skin at his waistline tenderly before pushing his trousers down to his ankles. Julian kicked them away. He pushed Noel back gently, laying on top of him and kissing down his neck. He felt Noel’s hands roaming around his torso, realizing they were just as hungry for each other.

“Noel,” he whispered against his skin. He kissed down Noel’s chest, coming to the big, purple bruise against his ribs. He ran his fingers over it, feather light. He licked at the skin just above Noel’s underwear. He thought about how many times he’d considered the soft skin that waited beneath his clothing. He smiled into him now, hoping he could say it was his now. He pulled Noel’s underwear off, relieved to have his entire body revealed to him now. He was doubly relieved to find that Noel was as hard as he was.

He climbed back up to kiss him, slipping his tongue into his mouth. Noel’s hands smoothed up his jaw line, coming up to hold his head in place. Julian smiled suddenly into Noel’s mouth. “What?” Noel asked, smiling back. Julian blushed. “Uh, I’ll be right back, okay?” Noel’s brow furrowed as Julian rolled off of him, standing and walking into the bathroom. He came back a moment later, lying back down next to Noel, holding a bottle of lubricant.

Noel burst out laughing. “When did you buy that?!”

Julian blushed a deeper shade of pink. “It was one of my errands that week Mike was here… Just in case.”

Noel grinned, snatching the bottle away from him. He popped the top off and poured some into his palm. He closed it and dropped it to the floor. Julian looked at him nervously. Noel sat up and, without pausing, yanked Julian’s underwear down and applied it to him. A moan escaped Julian’s lips and he smacked a hand over his mouth. But Noel was pushing the hand away, his lips meeting Julian’s, and he was moaning into him too. Julian grabbed at his waist, pushing him back down.

He positioned himself between Noel’s spread legs, and he felt confidence spread through him as he stared up into his eyes. He pushed in slowly, gasping at the warmth that met him. He stopped to catch his breath. He looked up at Noel and saw that his eyes were bulging slightly. “Am I doing this right?” Julian whispered.

Noel chuckled quietly. “Why are you asking me? Just come here.”

Julian obeyed, leaning forward to rest his palms on either side of him. He pushed in deeper, watching Noel’s face for any negative reactions. He kissed him briefly, Noel gasping again as they parted. Julian pulled out half way, and then slowly pushed back in. A split second of silence. “Mmm.” Julian’s heart skipped a beat, realizing he’d caused Noel to make that noise. He did it again, and found himself having the same reaction.

He began a steady rhythm, gaining more assurance as time passed on. He felt Noel clawing at his back, and that made his body arch. He was breathing heavily into his neck, watching beads of sweat drip down. He raked a hand through Noel’s hair, gripping a handful. Noel moaned louder, running his nails down Julian’s back harder. Julian groaned into his skin and found himself biting the flesh there tenderly. Noel gasped, and then he was pushing Julian back, rolling on top of him in a swift motion.

Julian’s eyes widened, surprised to find himself suddenly on bottom. Noel sat up, leaning back and gripping Julian’s thighs behind him. He lifted himself up carefully, bringing himself back down just as slowly. Julian’s breath caught painfully in his throat. Noel did it again, but faster, forcing more of Julian in. Julian shouted up at the ceiling and his hands flew up to grip Noel’s knees. Noel kept doing that; lifting himself and crashing back down. They were gripping each other, heads flung back to face the ceiling, filling the flat with their noise like every other night. But this night was clearly better.

Julian felt himself losing it. He gripped Noel’s arms, making him stop, and rolled back over onto him. He lifted Noel’s legs up to rest on his shoulders and began pounding into him. Noel was whining now, Julian having found his prostate. Julian couldn’t hold himself any longer. He released into Noel, his eyes rolling back a little as he felt his come fill him. He pushed Noel’s knees forward, allowing himself to collapse beside him.

Noel was grabbing his own hair with both hands. He looked over at Julian with a ravenous expression, in shock. Julian lay there, trying to catch his breath. He let his eyes fall back over Noel and sat up immediately. He straddled his legs and leant down without pause and Noel moaned, biting his lip, when he felt Julian’s mouth cover his erection. Julian took all of Noel in, still so hungry for him. He let his tongue explore his length, trying not to drag his teeth too heavily over the skin.

Noel yanked at Julian’s hair, and that hurt a bit. But it didn’t matter. He sped up his movements, one hand holding the base firmly. Noel was shouting and an idea flicked over Julian’s mind. His free hand flew to Noel’s balls. He massaged them softly, a contrast to what he was doing with his cock.

Noel’s face was contorted, strangled whines escaping him no matter how hard he bit down on his lip. He tasted blood on his tongue. He felt Julian suck deeply on the head and he was yelling into the air. He came into Julian’s mouth and his body went limp. Julian sat up, swallowing and wiping his mouth with his arm. He crawled up next to Noel, resting a hand to his face. He wiped the blood off his lip with his thumb. “I already cleaned you up once today,” Julian smiled. Noel laughed weakly, still catching his breath.

“Just… get the lights, okay?” Noel breathed. Julian scrambled to his feet, heading back out into the flat and flicking lights off. Before he walked back behind the divider, he paused, looking up at the windows. He walked over and shut the curtains, running his hands over them. He came back with a small ice pack, turning off the bedside lamp and climbing back into bed. “Here,” he said, handing it to Noel, “I don’t know which wound you’ll use it for, but there it is.” He stretched out onto his back and felt Noel lean into him. He felt drops of water drip on his chest now and then from the icepack. Noel’s arm was stretching over his body and he reached down to run a hand over his back, his eyes drifting shut.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Six”]

Chapter Six

Julian’s face half buried in a pillow, he inhaled deeply, taking in the smell of Noel and letting his lips form a smile. His eyes fluttered open finally and he jerked up immediately. He whipped his head around, but Noel wasn’t there. The flat was still very dark, and he thought it must be the earliest hours of the morning. He scooted to the edge of the bed, wincing at sore muscles. He pulled on a pair of underwear and jeans and walked out into the flat.

He found Noel sitting at the kitchen counter, hunched forward. Noel glanced back, hearing his feet padding across the hardwood. “Hey, sleepy. Finally enjoying the curtains?” He flashed a grin. Julian stared at him, confused, before looking over his shoulder at the curtains, remembering that he’d shut them in his daze the previous night. He looked back at Noel and smiled. He kept his eyes on him as he walked around the counter to make tea, admiring. He was only wearing jeans and had rolled them up to his knees. Julian liked that.

“We record tomorrow,” Noel mumbled through a mouthful of cereal as Julian set down a mug in front of him.

“What?” Julian rubbed his face, vaguely thinking it was too early to… think.

“How could you forget?! The radio show, you twat!” Noel shook his head, digging his spoon into his cereal bowl.

“Shit, that’s tomorrow?!” Julian sighed, leaning against the counter and wondering where his head had gone. Oh, right; in Noel’s crotch.

“Yeah,” Noel swallowed a bite, “good thing we just have to sit there.” He shifted in his seat, wincing.

Julian smirked as he brought his mug to his lips.

The pair spent the day rehearsing for the show, keeping the curtains shut until late afternoon. Julian punched Noel in the shoulder as they walked up to them, each choosing a side to pull open. “Fuck,” Noel said, backing away from the sudden light. He squinted at Julian to find an idiot grin spread over his face.

He smiled, walking up to him slowly and placing palms on bare chest. Julian cupped his hands over his shoulder blades; they were warm. His hands were always warm. When their lips met, it felt like they weren’t in the flat anymore. It felt like they were in their own world, and they welcomed the idea of getting lost in it.

Noel felt spots of moisture hit his face. He opened his eyes to find Julian standing over him, wearing only jeans and shaking out his wet hair. “We’ve got to get going. Are you going to be able to cover that up?” He smiled weakly.

Noel touched a hand over his face, over the bruises across his nose and jaw that still throbbed dully. “Yeah, should be able to with some work. The things my body has been through in two days!” He chuckled and Julian blushed as he walked back behind the divider to finish dressing. Noel pushed himself up from the rug, grabbing up the jeans that had been stripped away the previous night.

He spent at least an hour with his face against the mirror, applying makeup over the bruises, then straightening his hair. Julian came up behind him, kissing his shoulder and holding out a shirt for him to put on. “We’ve got to get going. You’re fine. The bruises are covered, and your hair looks good. We can’t be late to this.”

Noel looked at him through the mirror, sighed, and yanked the shirt over his head. “Okay,” he began as he turned to him, “here we go.” He gave him a quick kiss on the lips and led the way.

“It’s rubbish is what it is,” Noel was saying as they walked back toward the flat. He kicked a rock with his boot as they walked.

“It isn’t that bad,” Julian said, pausing to reconsider as he watched the rock tumble along. “Okay, maybe it is. But I told you about that studio over on Kingsland.”

“You think that would work? I guess we could go take a look at it,” Noel shrugged, kicking the rock into a gutter. “But it’s a long way off if we’re going to be there a lot.”

Julian knew this and had been thinking deeply about it for the past week. He took a deep breath, looking up at the sky. “Well,” he let the air rush out of his lungs, “we could move into a new flat. Something closer.”

Noel looked up at him. “Really? Move out of the flat?” He tried not to pout. He loved that flat, and he knew Julian did too. “I don’t know, Ju.”

Julian slipped his arm around Noel’s waist. “I know; I’d miss it too. But, hey, you’ll have a new flat to decorate, right?” He winked at him, resulting in the giggle from Noel that he was aiming for.

Noel shrugged, taking a Babybel from his pocket. “Alright. We’ll look around.”

Two weeks later, Noel and Julian were standing in the empty flat, taking a final scan. Noel’s eyes stayed set on the kitchen counter, then shifted to the windows, remembering. He finally looked up at Julian. His eyes were jumping around, floor to ceiling, to wall, to kitchen, to windows, to ceiling, to wall, to floor… He nudged him and his eyes slowly focused. “Ready, Ju?”

Julian tightened the muscles in his arms, the curtains bundled in them; the last thing to go. He stared deeply into Noel’s eyes, letting a few silent minutes tick away. He took a step closer and pressed his lips to his; a simple kiss, but with so much pushing behind it. He took a final glance around before returning his gaze to Noel. “Alright,” and he nodded. Noel rested a palm on his back, guiding him through the door.

The pair entered their new flat and sat down immediately at the circular wooden table that was placed outside the kitchen. They sat in silence for a long time, taking in the lower ceilings, the walls that enclosed the kitchen and the bedroom, and finally the far wall that was not covered in large windows. Julian looked down at the curtains he’d set on the table in front of him. “Guess we won’t be needing these anymore.” He smiled at Noel, who nodded, smirking back.

“Well, we should head over to the studio, yeah? We can visit your stereo.” Noel flashed a grin at Julian, rising from the table.

Julian, not amused, punched Noel lightly on the shoulder as he stood. Noel had insisted they leave Julian’s stereo at the studio, claiming the flat was too small. But they both knew that Noel thought it was an “inadequate” piece of equipment.

They’d been recording the radio show down at studio 54 for a little over a week now. It was a small, dingy room of brick, but something about it attracted them and they spent most of their time there. Julian had spent the previous night there, going a bit insane over the tracks. As they walked back there now, Noel reminisced.

It had been nearly two in the morning and Danny and Noel had entered the studio to check on Julian’s progress. They found him sitting bug-eyed in a chair, his back to them, his face in the equipment, his body frozen. There was a jazzy tune filling the room and the two stood waiting for a minute. Then another. Noel shifted his weight to the other leg. They waited a bit longer, until it hit both of them that this short melody was on a loop. They sat on the small couch against the wall, speculating in silence.

They slowly sank back into the couch as the time passed, Julian’s eyes blinking irregularly. Their faces alternated between confusion and amusement, trying very hard not to burst into laughter at several points. Once an hour had passed, Danny stood, shrugging at Noel and mouthing “see you tomorrow” with an amused expression.

When the door fell shut behind him, Noel rose, walking up behind Julian. He rested his hands carefully on his shoulders, massaging them lightly when he got no reaction. Noel suppressed a laugh. “Julian… Jules!”

Julian reached up and shut the music off finally, rubbing his face with both hands. He peered up at Noel with bloodshot eyes. Noel couldn’t help it any longer. He burst out laughing, stepping back to clutch his stomach. “Julian,” he managed, “th-this is ridiculous. You need to take a break!” He grinned at him, shaking off the last bit of laughter and walking back up to him. He straddled Julian’s lap and clutched his face in his hands. “Danny’s gone for the night.”

Julian smiled. “I’m tired, Noel.”

“Then be tired.” Noel smiled wickedly, ducking beneath Julian’s jaw line and nipping down his neck. Julian sighed, wrapping his hands around Noel’s waist. Noel unbuttoned Julian’s shirt as his lips traveled down his chest, grazing his teeth over the skin here and there. He pushed it back and Julian stripped it from his arms. Noel stripped his own shirt off as well. He looked up at Julian and shrugged before standing. He undid Julian’s trousers and pulled them off by the legs, bringing the pants with them. He undid his own trousers and stepped on the ends to get them off his ankles. He walked behind Julian to his beat up stereo and reached back for the lube that he’d stashed in the left speaker. Julian, watching him over his shoulder, raised an eyebrow, the question of how long it’d been there itching at his brain. But he didn’t comment as Noel came back and straight away began lathering him.

Julian moaned, sinking back in the chair as his back arched. Noel put a hand to his face and kissed him sweetly. Then he slowly straddled him again, resting on his knees. He sank down bit by bit, focusing on the feel of the sinews in Julian’s shoulders flexing. Julian’s hands dropped to Noel’s arse, rubbing lightly and tiredly.

When Noel’s warmth was finally surrounding him, his eyes snapped open in surprise of the sensations. As Noel grasped the nape of Julian’s neck, he began a steady pace. He rocked back and forth and Julian thought dimly about how sweet Noel smelled each time he swayed back toward him. The distraction made his building pleasure a shock as he found himself reaching the boiling point. He bucked forward, grabbing Noel and shouting into his neck. Noel moaned loudly, very turned on by Julian’s sudden response.

His hands reached up to tangle in his dark hair, gripping harder and harder as they built up together. Julian’s breath caught suddenly. “Noel,” he whispered. And then Noel felt the moist warmth filling him and came on the spot as they caved in on each other.

“So before I came home this morning, I think I really figured something out on the tracks.”

“Huh?” Noel shook out of his reverie, realizing that Julian at his side had become his only sense of direction. “Oh. That’s great, Ju.” He smiled pleasantly at him, hoping in the back of his mind that his erection wasn’t showing.

The two spent two months holed up in the studio with Rich and Danny. When October rolled around, they were sat on the floor listening to what they’d done for the last time before it was ready to begin airing. As the music faded out on the last track, Noel leant forward to kiss Julian on the lips. Julian dodged him, shifting so he would hit his cheek instead. Julian’s face flushed and he hoped that Danny hadn’t noticed. Noel pulled back, his face contorted in a mixture of hurt and annoyance. They hadn’t come out about their relationship to anyone. Noel had attempted at bringing it up several times, but Julian always stopped him, interrupting with awkward quips.

Noel had confronted him only once about it, when they were moving their things to the new flat. Danny had come by to help them move furniture. When they’d moved the bed, a bottle of lube was sitting in the void space, and Noel had opened his mouth to make an impish joke. Julian, seeing that Danny hadn’t noticed yet, stepped in front of it and Noel. “Oh, watch the corner there! Noel, can you move that box?”

When Danny left in the early evening, Noel sat down next to Julian at the round table. “Julian, I’m not ashamed of you.”

Julian set down his mug, knowing instantly what this was about. “You aren’t ashamed of anything… And I never said that I was ashamed.”

“Then why haven’t you let anyone know?” Noel tried his hardest to get eye contact.

Julian looked down at his hands as a very quiet minute passed. He shifted his gaze straight into Noel’s eyes, his face stern. “Can we just keep it between us for awhile?” he asked firmly, not leaving much room for a negative answer. Noel stared back, noticing that the chocolate brown was tinted darker just then, and nodded solemnly. He hadn’t pushed the subject since.

Now, as they left the studio to head to a restaurant, Noel felt that weight become heavier in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t know how to go on without telling everyone important to him that he was madly in love with this man that fit him like a puzzle piece. Better than a puzzle piece. ‘What could fit better than a puzzle piece?’ he thought. He looked over at Julian, who was lighting a cigarette as they walked down the darkening street, knowing that he was seeing his only answer.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Seven”]

Chapter Seven

Julian smiled up at Kate as she rummaged through the register for his change. “How’s Oliver this week?”

She handed over a couple of bills, rolling her eyes and grinning. “Energetic.”

Julian chuckled, folding the money away in his wallet and taking his bags from the counter. “Terrible Twos.”

She laughed lightly, crossing her arms. “Terrible doesn’t quite cover it.” She glanced over to make sure there was no one waiting in line. “Are you boys still recording? I listened to episode five the other day.” She grinned again.

“Nah, one more left to air. Not too sure what we’re doing next.” He looked down at the bags in his hands, shuffling his feet.

“Well, I was wondering because I’m pretty sure there is more than one grocery store closer to your flat than this.” She raised an eyebrow, but her face was clear and pleasant, not mocking.

“Can’t resist those low, low prices!” Julian said after a moment, gesturing towards the obnoxious sign in the front window. It looked like someone had let a child go with a rainbow in hand. They both burst out laughing.

“See you next week, Julian,” she waved as he began walking off.

“Good luck with Ollie,” he said, nodding and winking.

Julian walked straight into the kitchen and began putting things in cupboards. He was just finishing up when he felt two hands snake around his waist and lips at his ear. “Where have you been?”

The hot breath made him shiver. There was no suppressing it, as much as he wanted to. Noel giggled softly. “Grocery store. I didn’t buy sweets.” He set the last thing on the shelf in front of him.

He could almost feel Noel rolling his eyes. “Liar. You always buy me my sweets.” He started nibbling at his ear and Julian just closed his eyes, tipping his head back slightly.

This is what it was. Noel sneaking up behind him to pinch his arse, plant a kiss on his cheek, or whisper sweet nothings in his ear. Well, it wasn’t just that. It was still them. It was them like they’d always been; giggling in corners, hovered close together, no one in on their little secret worlds. Whether they wanted them to be or not, no one else got it. It’s like when you’re a child and you make up a fantasy world with your mates. But even then, everyone had their own variations. Things were different colors, paths went left instead of right. It wasn’t like that for them; their worlds bled into perfect cohesion. It felt like there should be some boundary encasing their brains together from the rest of the population.

There had always been the elephant in the room. Ever since the moment they met. Or, maybe even before that. A big, fat elephant lurking in the corners at all times wherever they ventured. But they’d never ignored it. Close as they were, it was more than difficult to just pretend it didn’t exist. In fact, they frequented pointing it out. They’d randomly turn around to look at it, laughing and pointing their fingers in its face, almost taunting it. But that’s all it ever was. An elephant. Until they were fucking each other on the couch. The floor. The chair, the bed, over the table and against the wall.

It was nice actually. It had just been an elephant, but it had still loitered over their shoulders constantly. Now it was gone between them. To everyone else, though, it was still lumbering about as a huge attraction. Julian squeezed his eyes shut harder. He didn’t want to think about it. Let them keep pointing and laughing, they don’t need to know.

Julian reached up blindly to the very top shelf, grabbing the package he’d hidden there and poising it over his shoulder for Noel to take. “Jammie Dodgers. Better than Wagon Wheels.”

Noel took them, grinning and smacking a kiss over Julian’s cheek. “I was gonna go out with Dave and Nigel tonight. Are you coming?”

“Yeah, why not.” Julian shrugged, leaning against the counter across from Noel.

“Cool, you can put your arm around me possessively,” he said through a mouthful of biscuit before walking out to the living room.

Julian made a face at his back.

“You could have just kissed me in the club,” Noel said happily through heavy breath. He was pressed up against the front door of the flat, hair plastered to his forehead and the sides of his face with sweat.

Julian drew their lips together again hungrily. “No. This is better.”

Noel rolled his eyes, pushing Julian off. “What?!” Julian looked at him, annoyed, with his hands grasping Noel’s arms. “You didn’t have to tease me in the middle of a crowd like that.”

“Tease you?” Noel looked at him quizzically before laughing outright. “Which part teased you, exactly? When I was sitting down and talking, or when I was standing up and talking?” He crooked his head, suppressing more laughter.

“Oh please, you kept giving me looks!” Julian motioned to his own face, as if that would emphasize it.

Noel burst out laughing, kneeling over to rest his palms on his knees. “I was giving you looks because that girl kept hitting on me! I wanted you to help me get rid of her!”

Julian just stared down at him for a moment, his brow furrowed. Then he was laughing too, to the point that he couldn’t breath and decided to fall back and sit on the floor. Noel had sunk down the length of the door as well, and they sat there laughing themselves to tears.

Noel coughed and sighed, leaning his head back. “You’re ridiculous. I mean, you still should have kissed me. Would’ve gotten me out of my predicament!”

Julian leant forward, a wide smile still on his face. “Shh,” he whispered, taking his face in his warm hands and kissing him deeply. Noel put his hands over Julian’s, grasping them carefully as he slipped his tongue into his mouth.

“I didn’t think you were coming back.”

Julian smirked at Kate. It had been a little over a month since he’d been to this grocery store. Or any grocery store, really. “The misses has been doing all the shopping lately.” He winked, and that made Kate giggle.

“The way I’ve seen you two walking by, you’d almost think he was your misses!” She had a sweet peel of laughter that Julian liked hearing. But now he was just straining to keep his face in an expression that couldn’t be defined as grim.

“That’s been said alright,” he mumbled almost incoherently. “How’s your boy? Excited for Christmas?”

“I’m not sure he understands what it is yet,” she said, turning over the box in her hands to look for a place to scan.

Julian smiled now as he reached into his pocket. “Well, I thought he might like this.” He held out the small stuffed panda bear he’d bought in a shop down the road.

Her lips parted in surprise before forming a thoughtful smile. “Thank you,” she said, as though it were for her. She took it in both her hands and turned it over before letting it rest in her lap.

“No problem,” he nodded, handing her money. She exchanged it for his change in silence as he gathered the bags from the counter.

“Well, I’ll see you. You know, if the misses isn’t doing the shopping.” She smiled, her eyes nearly twinkling, and Julian returned it before turning to leave.

“I cannot believe you talked me into that.” Julian shook his head as he went to collapse on the couch.

“Oh, c’mon. It was genius.” Noel, beaming, climbed on top of him.

“Get off.” Julian swatted blindly at the air, hoping to make some contact with his face hidden in the arm of the couch.

“I wouldn’t mind that, but you are making it a bit difficult,” Noel laughed softly into his hair. He felt him lay a kiss there.

“Ha, ha. I just don’t think I belonged at Christmas dinner with the Fieldings,” he mumbled.

“What? My mum loves you though!” He pushed some of Julian’s hair away, searching for his face.

“Well, yeah. But it was a family thing, you know? I shouldn’t have gone.” Julian finally poked his face out into view, observing Noel from the corner of his eye.

“As if. Mike had his daft girlfriend there. Macy. What type of name is Macy? Well dull, I thought.” He kissed Julian’s nose and met his eyes again. “What?” He asked, puzzled.

“Dunno. Just… Did you tell them? About us?” He looked apprehensively at Noel.

Noel frowned. “No. You said keep it between us. I’ve kept it between us. As the king ordered.” He sat up, sliding off of Julian and perching himself on the bit of free cushion. Julian sat up too, massaging Noel’s shoulders and kissing his neck. He wanted to say something; anything to make him feel better. But he knew he had nothing. He knew what Noel wanted, but he wasn’t ready to give it yet. Six months? Had it been that long already? He looked around, almost wildly, trying to find a reason that could hold this off longer.

Noel was turning around then, grabbing Julian’s jaw and crushing their lips together. “It’s Christmas. Let’s not talk about it… Let’s not talk,” he breathed. He pushed Julian’s coat off and allowed his hands to roam beneath his shirt. Julian tried to find words – any words – that might make this better. But Noel kept shifting, kissing deeper each time, and his thoughts were getting very fuzzy. ‘New Years,’ he thought vaguely. ‘It could be my New Years Resolution. That’ll work.’ Then he was twining his fingers through Noel’s hair and falling back against the cushions.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Eight”]

Chapter Eight

It was a windy January day. Noel’s hair kept blowing in his face, so he hurriedly tied it back again as he caught up to Julian. “You are such a child!” He pushed Julian’s shoulder roughly but he kept walking with his hands in his pockets, unaffected. “This is ridiculous! Who cares, Jules?!” He sighed heavily when he still got no response and kept pace at his side, staring at the sidewalk that passed under his feet.

“Where are we going?” He asked in a small voice, after what seemed like an eternity of silence.

“Store. I’m out of cigarettes.” He felt one of Julian’s hands brush his, but it had disappeared by the time he looked down for it.

They turned into a grocery store and Julian walked straight up to the counter. Noel kept flicking his eyes around, just for something to do. It registered after a few moments that Julian hadn’t even said anything, but there were his cigarettes in his hand. He didn’t see any change come back to his hand, so he finally looked up at his face, catching him wink at the cashier as he turned to leave. Noel stayed put, glancing up at the woman who was smiling faintly with money in her hand. He frowned at her and turned to catch up with Julian again.

“Who was that?” He rested a hand on Julian’s shoulder.

“A friend,” he answered easily, shrugging.

“Stop.” And Noel took his own direction, almost stumbling over at his own abrupt halt. Julian glanced back, realizing Noel wasn’t at his side anymore. He loped back toward him, fighting a smile. Once he was stood in front of him, he looked over both shoulders before turning back and gazing into his eyes. “What is it, sweetheart?”

Noel’s brow furrowed. “That. You’re so paranoid. It’s fucking ridiculous.”

Julian sighed, closing his eyes. Noel stared at the blank look on his face and wondered if he was thinking about what had just happened. Probably. He didn’t know what the big deal was. It’s not like anyone cared, really.

They’d been headed out of wardrobe and Noel was getting their coats. He turned around to find Julian right in his face. “I liked your hair tied back like that. You should do it more often.”

Noel rolled his eyes. “Get lost.”

Julian chuckled. “No, really,” he said, before leaning in to kiss his forehead. He wrapped his arms over the top of Noel’s shoulders, kissing him on the nose, then the lips. They both heard a squeak and looked up to find one of the crew, a woman with crazy red hair, shifting through the clothes on their hangers. Julian, very methodically, looked back at Noel, no longer smiling, and removed his arms before grabbing his coat and storming out. Noel had just rolled his eyes, smiling and waving at the woman as he left.

Julian’s eyes finally opened, and then he was taking a big step forward, flush against Noel. He cradled his face in his palm and Noel leaned into his touch, staring back into his eyes. He felt Julian’s finger tips poking lightly at his tied up hair and they flashed sugary smiles at each other as Julian moved to press his lips against his. It was soft and bottomless and it felt like the length of a firework going off. But it must have been longer, because when they finally pulled away, a mass of people leaving work and heading for home had flooded into the streets. Julian reached down, grabbing Noel’s hand and yanking him towards the flat.

Julian clapped a hand over Noel’s mouth, and Noel looked at him from the corner of his eye, glaring. “Hmph?” Julian took his hand away once Dave had left the kitchen again. Noel didn’t even want to ask. He just picked up an unopened pack of Licorice Boot Laces that was stuffed in the back of the cutlery drawer and smacked Julian over the head with it before walking out.

He flopped down on the couch next to Dave and opened the package. “Just start the movie.” He shoved a handful into his mouth before handing it to Dave. He pointedly ignored Julian floating into his peripheral vision.

“I’m gonna run down to the store. You forgot to buy beer earlier.” Noel kept his eyes on the screen. A childish move, he knew, but Julian was being childish too, so he didn’t much care. If they were going to kiss in public, and hold hands in public, then surely their friends could know about it.

He felt Dave looking between them for a moment. “Alright,” he said finally, nodding at Julian. Then the door was falling shut with a loud click and Noel pushed it from his mind for the millionth time.

Noel jerked up. He whipped his head around, dazed, and wiped the perspiration from his face. He realized it was the phone that had woken him and he groaned at the blaring noise. He looked around in the darkness for Julian, but he wasn’t there. Dave had left ages ago, but Julian had never come back. He figured he was standing about chain smoking somewhere. He studied the glowing red numbers of the clock that sat on the bedside table. It was nearly five in the morning. Noel felt an irregular twang in his heart beat and dived over to pick up the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey,” Julian’s voice came over the line, weak and raspy. “Sorry I’m not there, hon… I made a mistake.”

“A mistake?” he asked, confused, his voice still laden with sleep. He clutched the phone with both hands. “Where are you, Julian? What’s happened?”

“Shouldn’t have walked so far at night. I’m coming home now.” Julian sounded sleepy as well. His speech was slurred slightly.

“Ju?” Worry crept into his voice.

“Noel. I’ll be there soon, yeah? I’ll see you in a bit.” Noel heard a heavy sigh, then the line fizzed away. He sat silently for a moment, resting on his calves. He brought the phone in front of his face and stared at it, unsure of what to do, then hung up. His eyes had begun to adjust to the darkness and he looked down at himself. He was wearing an oversized cardigan of Julian’s and nothing else. He didn’t really remember putting it on. He must have grabbed it after his shower before collapsing into sleep.

Noel climbed out of bed and pulled on a grey pair of jeans, zipping them up as he flicked lights on and walked into the kitchen. He made two mugs of hot chocolate and set them down, leaning on the opposite counter and staring at the steam coming off the tops. Glancing up at the wall clock, Noel reached behind him to take a Jammie Dodger from the packet. He looked down at it and tried picking the two halves apart. The thick jam acted like cement, and the biscuit just crumbled over his fingers. He heard a key push into the lock and threw it in the sink.

Julian was just walking over the threshold as Noel bounded around the corner. “Where you been?!”

He shut the door behind him carefully, flipping the lock and looking up at Noel uneasily. “They took all my stuff. But I’m okay now.”

Noel didn’t know what to do, other than look at him strangely. “You’re… You’re okay?” he finally managed. Julian sighed heavily, taking a few large steps toward him. He took his coat off and dropped it over the nearest chair, then lifted his shirt from his stomach. Noel’s eyes fixed on the large, white bandage there. “You got mugged,” the words spilled out of his mouth in a monotone. Julian nodded and let his shirt drop. “I was just leaving the store. You know, the one under the bridge? And they were right there. I tried running, but–”

“Stupid git! You don’t run! Why’d you do that for?!” Noel would have slapped him if he hadn’t already gotten knifed.

“I said I made a mistake.” Julian stared down at the floor boards.

Noel frowned. “Then what happened?”

“Well they caught up to me. Obviously. They took my stuff and decided to knick me while they were at it. It’s not that bad, though. Someone was there, so they didn’t waste too much time on it.” Julian shrugged and met his eyes.

Noel just stood there for a moment, bringing a hand up to ruffle his messy bed hair. “I made you some hot chocolate,” he said finally, lamely. Julian took a step towards the kitchen and Noel thought better of it, catching his face with his hand and pressing their lips together tenderly. He kissed him until their breathing got heavy, then pulled back so he could look him in the eye properly. “Don’t you fuckin’ do that again.” Julian smiled faintly, giving one solid nod as he tugged on the cardigan hanging over Noel’s shoulders.

“What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to come by and thank you,” Julian tried on a smile. “A week late, I know. But Noel hasn’t let me out of his sight.”

Kate didn’t look very happy with that response, but moved aside to let him in anyway. Julian set down the bag he was holding on the table and slid his coat off, looking around the flat. “It looks different when you’re not in shock,” he looked over at her with amusement in his eyes. Her stern look wiped it right off. He reached into his bag. “I brought a little football for Oliver. And… a pie for you. I – I didn’t know what to get you. Kids are easier.” He bit the inside of his lip to make himself shut up.

“I was worried. I… told you about my husband,” she walked over to sit at the table Julian was standing next to.

He blinked, sitting down and frowning. “Shit. I know. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.”

The stern look on her face faltered, then fell completely. “No. You’re a really sweet guy.” She reached over and patted Julian’s hand. He looked down at it, feeling a warmth surge through his body.

Julian walked out from the bedroom, freshly dressed and showered, rubbing his hair dry with a towel. He stopped at the wall space next to the couch to switch the calendar to March. He was humming quietly as he walked up behind Noel to kiss his jaw line. Noel stood concentrated in front of his current work in progress and Julian fully expected the paint smears he saw on his fingertips.

He watched the clean strokes he was painting over a blank corner of canvas. A nasty feeling bubbled up in his stomach. This was the moment. This was that moment he’d been waiting for. He didn’t want it to be. It was unexpected and he wasn’t ready. But his feet locked him in place so he couldn’t run away from it. He took a deep breath to fuel the words he had to say. “Noel, I need to talk to you.”

Noel continued outlining the figure he was painting with a shade of deep blue. “Is that your own version of ‘We Need to Talk’?” he asked calmly.

Julian grimaced at the back of his head, hating just then how well they knew each other. The annoyance burned his throat and he said bitterly,” I’ve sort of been seeing someone.” Then he regretted it immediately. He felt his head go woozy, like he was just now coming to his senses for the first time in months. He ran a hand through his hair and set his gaze back on Noel as he heard him let out a heavy breath. He waited for him to say something, to say anything. But he just swished the paintbrush in the cup of water he had sitting on the small end table, left it there, and walked out the front door. Calm as ever.

Julian stood there, stunned. Should he go after him? What would he even say? He had nothing.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Nine”]

Chapter Nine

Noel shifted awkwardly in his seat. He wasn’t sure this could get anymore more awkward. But of course he was wrong. “Julian told me you two have been together for six years!”

Noel choked on his tea. “Uh,” he paused to cough the liquid up, “oh, working together, yeah!” He smiled at Kate politely and wondered what the hell was taking Julian so long. He looked around helplessly, hoping he wasn’t being too obvious. When he brought his eyes back to her, she just smiled at him. Nothing but nice, and that really clawed under his skin. She’d stolen his boyfriend; couldn’t she just be a bit of a cunt?

He gave a small smile and pushed his chair back. “Would you excuse me?” He felt weird walking around in his own flat, how messed up was that? He shouldn’t have to tiptoe, but for some reason he felt the need to with Kate’s eyes on him.

He shimmied himself through the bedroom door that stood slightly ajar. “Julian?” His eyes cast towards the bathroom, the glowing light that pooled from it.

“I’ll be out soon, just having a shave.” He heard him clear his throat and that sent shivers down his spine. He always did that when he was nervous.

“Wouldn’t need to shave for me,” he mumbled under his breath.

“Hmm?” Julian asked, poking his head out the door.

“Nothing,” Noel said, pursing his lips and shaking his head lightly. Julian kept looking at him and that made him even more uncomfortable. “What?” he asked after a moment, fidgeting with his shirt.

“Dunno. I guess I’m still getting used to the red.” He shrugged and turned back into the bathroom. Noel heard him run the tap as he looked up at the pieces of hair hanging in his eyes. He blew at them and watched as they fell back down. He liked it. He’d always wondered what it’d be like to be ginger. Plus he knew Julian liked the blonde, and anything that would jump on his nerves helped right now.

When Julian finally came back out, he was just finishing on the top buttons of his shirt. He seemed surprised when he looked up to find Noel still waiting there by the door. He stopped in his tracks, his face made up of curiosity and worry.

“So, Kate. She’s got a son, yeah?” Noel watched him casually, not really sure where he was going with this himself. Julian just nodded. “Aren’t you afraid his dad is some big skinhead that’ll stab you up?”

“Skinhead?! Are you high?” Julian rested his hands on his hips and gave him a baffled expression.

“What,” Noel shrugged, throwing his hands up like it was so obvious, “she looks like she’d date a skinhead!” Julian looked off to the side, and Noel could tell that he was in deep thought. He felt a jolt when it crossed his mind that he might actually be considering what he’d just said.

Julian returned his gaze finally. “Her husband died when she was pregnant. He…” Julian’s eye contact faltered, and he looked down at his shoes for a moment before flashing back up to Noel. “Well, he was killed. He got mugged and the guy slit his throat.”

Noel’s face fell and he stared down at the sheet hanging off the bed. Fuck. There really was no properly hating this woman, was there? Julian patted his shoulder as he walked passed. “I’ll see you later, hon.” And Noel knew that Julian was wincing just as he was. It’d been nearly four months, and Julian still couldn’t break the habit of calling him things like that. Or the habit of patting his knee and rubbing a hand over his hair. But then Noel never protested it. It was difficult to remember which gestures had been normal before they were a couple. Everything had always felt natural; they’d never kept a record.

Noel kept his eyes fixed on the bed sheet as he heard the front door fall shut behind them. He felt stuck. Anger kept flaring up inside of him. If he’d just stayed out for another drink after his gig, he wouldn’t have gotten home in time to run into the happy couple. He kicked the nightstand with the toe of his purple boot and watched the lamp topple over onto the floor, smashing into bits. He rolled his eyes at the mess and walked back out into the living room.

He stood for a moment, glaring at the couch, his arms crossed over his chest. “Fuck it.” Noel marched over to the far end of the room and threw open the latch on the trunk there, grabbing a large bag that had fallen behind it. He stuffed some clothes into the bag, not really paying attention to what he was taking and slammed the front door behind him.

Noel felt something hard pelt him in the head. He reluctantly uncovered himself from the mass of blankets and pillows he’d thrown over himself and found his cell phone laying in front of him.

“It’s the middle of fucking July. You trying to suffocate yourself?” Dave’s blue eyes seemed to penetrate his skull. “Answer your phone or get him to stop calling, it keeps waking me up. You know I’ll kick you out if this keeps happening everyday.”

“Not my fault you’re a light sleeper,” Noel said, smirking. But he picked it up anyway and checked the screen. Four missed calls. One more to go for the morning. He waited a few minutes, counting the seconds like he was used to doing for his anxiety. He watched it light up on the first ring then sighed as he hit the talk button.

“Yes?” he asked in the most innocent of tones.

“You finished hiding out? We’ve got writing to do. Unless you want to just live on Dave’s couch for the rest of your life.” He could hear the smirk in Julian’s voice and that made a smile creep over his face.

He went to whip out his planned smartarse dialogue, but he found that he’d lost his nerve. “Okay. When?” He made plans with Julian to meet at a small café they went to a lot and jabbed at the end button.

He felt hot breath at his ear. “You’re glowing, mate. You two kids make up then?” Noel rolled his eyes and smacked Dave’s cheek.

“You could keep living on my couch, you poof,” Julian said once they were settled at the corner table. Noel laughed at the unintended pun and Julian shifted awkwardly.

“C’mon, you know we both act like children around each other. Never gonna change.” Noel grinned at Julian and he smiled back.

It took them about an hour to get back into the feel of being around each other. But once they were, time didn’t exist in their world anymore. It wasn’t until Julian was throwing his head back laughing that Noel realized it had gotten dark outside. He looked down at the table, scoured with rim stains from cups of tea, crumbs from scraps of food they’d bought, and scattered pieces of pair that seemed to be arranged around the one neat stack they’d kept at the center.

It seemed to hit Julian then, too. “I think they’re closing soon, want to get going?” He smiled up at Noel as he pulled his wallet from his back pocket to leave a tip. Noel nodded. “Sure.” And began gathering the papers.

When they stepped outside they took a few steps before stopping awkwardly at a street sign. “Are you coming home?” Julian finally asked.

Noel’s eyes were already fogged over in thought, looking from side to side. “Think I’ll head back to Dave’s actually.” They stood listening to the cars whooshing passed, the clicks of heels against the pavement.

After a good, solid five minutes of just standing there, Julian brushed his hand down Noel’s arm. “Please?”

Noel met his eyes and he felt his stomach jump. Julian’s chocolate eyes were melting and he could have been children’s putty; soft and malleable for Julian to do as he pleased. Noel shook his head evenly to knock himself out of it. “I’ll come home tonight. But I can’t promise that it isn’t to pack my stuff up.” Julian frowned at that but was eager to have Noel headed back with him either way.

Noel dug through the bureau in the bedroom for any of the clothes he’d left in there, throwing them into a pile at his feet. When he felt satisfied, he abandoned it on the floor to join Julian on the couch. He was shuffling through papers they’d scribbled on, working through the large pile in his lap. Noel shoved his feet off the coffee table as he walked passed, flopping down next to him and picking up half the stack.

“How’s it going?” Noel asked, glancing at the separate stacks Julian had begun to make on the floor space next to the couch.

“I was about to ask you the same thing,” Julian said in a mocking tone. Noel couldn’t help but smile at him. Julian looked over at him and they both burst into laughter.

Noel crossed his legs over the coffee table and sank further into the couch. “This is fuckin’ ridiculous.”

“It is,” Julian chuckled. Noel raised his eyebrows at him, amused. Julian smacked him playfully on the cheek. “You can wipe that smirk off your face. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

Noel laughed again, looking down to ruffle through the papers. “Yeah, I’ve used that one before!” A grin stuck on his face as he started reading the text around some creatures he’d drawn. He felt Julian’s arm brush his leg, but it wasn’t something to be registered. He turned the paper around in his hands, trying to make out some messy scrawl. Julian’s palm rested on his knee. Also something not to be registered. He gave up on the sentence that was crammed into a corner of the page and flipped it over. Julian’s nose pressed up against his cheekbone. Okay, that was something.

Noel closed his eyes, feeling his pulse pick up against his veins. Julian kissed his cheek slowly. He felt him hesitate there, and knew he was waiting for him to respond negatively. Noel sat perfectly still.

Julian brought a hand up to hold Noel’s head in place, kissing harder against his cheek. His lips grazed down his face, across his jaw, over his chin, down his neck. Noel could hear and feel Julian’s sharp intakes of breath, and he knew he was breathing in the scent of his skin. He realized he wasn’t breathing at all and finally let out the breath he’d been holding. It came out as an obvious sign of pleasure and he really wanted to wince at that. But Julian was kissing across his collarbone then and he didn’t care.

Julian had turned completely, and was hovering over him now. He rested his hands on his hips carefully and pushed his shirt up as slowly as he was laying kisses down over his skin. Noel finally caved and raked his fingers gently through Julian’s hair. Then their lips were pressing together and Noel was pushing Julian over, into the couch.

Noel nipped at his lips as Julian tried to yank his own t-shirt off. They grudgingly broke apart so they could strip their tops off. Julian was sitting up then, letting Noel straddle his lap and grabbing his arse. They both moaned under their breath when Julian’s erection pressed into Noel.

Noel pushed himself backward, falling onto the cushions so he could strip his jeans off. Julian did the same, doing away with his pants as well. His hands flung over to Noel’s underwear and he smirked as he pulled them down and away from his ankles. Noel grasped at Julian’s shoulders and began pulling him down.

“What?” Julian whispered when he saw Noel wince.

“I’m laying on a load of paper. Ugh. Fuck couches, how ‘bout a bed?” Julian smiled and leaned down to kiss him, picking him up as he stood. Noel wrapped his legs tighter around his waist.

They kissed all the way to the bedroom and Noel didn’t open his eyes until he felt soft cotton under his back. Their lips finally parted and they sent equally questioning gazes at each other. They didn’t need to say anything. Did they ever? They could always read each other’s minds. Julian reached in the bedside table drawer for the lube and sat back on his calves. He lathered himself, smirking because he knew Noel was watching closely.

He kissed quickly up Noel’s body, sliding inside of him like they’d never stopped doing it. They grinned at each other like idiots as their lips met again. Julian grasped his back for leverage, moving in deep, heavy strokes. Noel gripped the nape of his neck and didn’t bother being discreet when it came to moaning. They rocked back and forth, and Noel knew Julian was getting close when one hand slicked down the sweat of his back to grip his arse.

He pushed him half way off, shoving him onto his back and rolling over with him. Julian nearly shouted when Noel came down hard on his cock. He began methodically riding him up and down. But then Julian was stroking his own cock with both hands as he moaned and Noel lost pace completely. He watched as Julian’s hands worked his cock and he rode him harder. Erratically. But it worked just as well.

They were both getting closer, and every noise they made became blaringly loud against Noel’s ears. His own raspy breath became the ever-present background noise. When he moaned it rang sharp through the air. But nothing compared to the strike Julian’s whining sent through him. With each whimper that escaped his lips, it got harder and harder to hold on. He finally felt a sticky warmth filling him as Julian shuddered and shouted. He leant forward, grabbing Julian’s shoulders. His cock brushed up against his skin just as he was falling off the edge, and that sent him spiraling. He moaned, biting down hard on the corner of his lip, and Julian answered by rubbing warm circles on his arse and sighing heavily into his ear.

Noel rolled slowly onto his back, trying to catch his breath. He shut his eyes to concentrate on breathing, and felt Julian’s fingers twine their way through his hair. He felt a kiss across his forehead when his breathing was finally steadying. He opened one eye just enough to see Julian leaning across him to shut off the remaining bedside lamp. When he laid back down, he placed feather light kisses across Noel’s cheek, pulling him closer and settling against the pillows.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Ten”]

Chapter Ten

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to meet Kate!” Noel’s eyes dragged open sleepily as he felt Julian’s arm slip out from under him. He watched him scramble out of bed and grab a pair of trousers that were folded on the bureau. Julian struggled into them, shuffling towards the bathroom at the same time. Noel sat up slowly on his elbows, unsure of what to do next. Julian walked hurriedly through the room, snatching up a t-shirt from the floor. He skidded to a stop at the bedside, wiping off the sweat from Noel’s forehead and smiling. Then he was off again and Noel heard the front door shut and lock a few seconds later.

He felt a strange sinking feeling wash through him, falling from head to toe. They’d acted on impulse, or at least he had. Was that it then? Nothing had changed, and he was just a fuck? A good fuck, though. But that didn’t help any right now. He felt like he should leave, but then he remembered that this was his flat as well and settled back into the bed.

Julian rushed through the small crowd gathered at the entrance of Shoreditch Park. He slowed, out of breath, when he found Kate standing with Oliver by a bench. “Hey! I’m sorry, I’m late.”

Kate wore an even expression and he wasn’t sure how to read it. “We were just about to leave. We’ve been here for two hours.”

Julian swallowed hard. “I’m sorry. I… overslept. I’ll make it up to you. We can go out for lunch right now. All three of us.” He tried giving her a hopeful smile.

She frowned, looking down thoughtfully at Oliver’s hand in hers. Julian looked down at him too, watching as a weak gust of wind blew his dirty blonde curls into a tangle. “Okay,” she said after a minute.

Julian lifted Oliver up into the booster seat before sliding into his own chair. He laid a napkin in his lap and smiled weakly up at Kate. She was staring down at a menu, her lips pursed. “Got a good bit of writing done yesterday,” Julian spilled out to break the silence.

A smile strained across her face. “That’s good.” He just nodded and decided to study his own menu. He looked down at himself and only then did he realize he was wearing a too-tight shirt that must have been Noel’s. He shut his eyes, taking a deep breath.

The whole meal felt forced and it made Julian sick. He just wanted to step out and have a cigarette, but he knew that would make things worse. He walked them back to their flat, holding Oliver most of the way because he wouldn’t stop tugging at his trousers to be picked up. By the time they were at her door, he’d fallen asleep and Julian handed him carefully over to Kate, kissing her forehead in the process.

“I’ll call you,” he whispered, winking. She nodded and smiled before retreating into the flat and shutting the door quietly behind her.

Julian began walking back toward home, his hands shoved in his pockets as he watched the rock he was kicking stumble over the pavement. Then he threw his head back and muttered obscenities when he realized Noel was probably waiting for him. He thought about hiding out somewhere, but he wasn’t really in the mood to sit and sulk in a corner. He picked up his pace. ‘Better to get it over with,’ he thought.

Noel sat at the wooden table outside the kitchen, his legs crossed in the chair as he shoveled cereal into his mouth. He kept glancing down, thinking of what he should wear. He was sitting there in nothing but hot pink jeans because that’s as far as he got when he finally rolled out of bed. He was lost in thought, his cheek resting against a closed fist, when he heard the lock turn.

He watched Julian come in slowly, unsurely, closing the door behind him and just standing there. He shrugged, looking at Noel, then around the flat. Noel bit his lip. “Come on then, sit down.” He patted the chair next to him. Julian sat down at the one across the table instead.

Noel took another bite of cereal, chewing carefully so he had more time to think. He swallowed, setting the spoon down and pushing the bowl away. “So,” he began, “how was your little lunch date?”

Julian frowned, more than he already was. “It sucked,” he spat. Noel’s eyebrow arched and they sat silent for a moment. The corner of Julian’s mouth flicked, and then he was laughing. Noel wasn’t sure if he should laugh too. He bit his lip again, curiosity burning in his stomach.

Julian stopped finally, wiping his mouth with his palm. “I don’t know what to do, Noel,” he said, serious again. He cast his eyes down at the table, and Noel knew he wasn’t going to say anything more.

He sat up straighter, readying himself. “Ju, what do you want?”

Julian rubbed his face, resting his chin in his hands. “You,” he paused, “and Kate.”

Noel took a deep breath so that his voice wouldn’t shake. “Who do you want more?”

Julian finally looked up into his eyes. “You know, I always pictured the type of relationship I’ve got with Kate. She’s sweet, she’s gorgeous. She’s got a beautiful son. It’s… what I always pictured having in my life.” He paused again, licking his lips. “I love you. I mean, wildly. I love you. I don’t know if that’s what I want though. It’s… almost too much.”

Noel looked down at his lap, at the stupid pink denim. He tried to clear his head, chewing on his lip. He looked up again, his face nothing but sincerity. “I love you, Julian. You do know that.” He paused, making sure he wanted to say what came next. “If you want to be with Kate, be with Kate. But I’m not moving out. I moved in with you because I hate being away from you, and there isn’t really a need for me to be. I’ll keep on the stupid couch and we’ll keep writing, yeah?” He smiled, and it shocked himself that it felt genuine. He wanted this. He’d been his best friend for nearly five years before they’d been a couple; fuck everything to hell if he was going to give that up now.

A smile twitched at Julian’s lips, and he looked off to the side for a moment, thinking it over. “Yeah,” he said easily.

“Good. Now why the fuck are you wearing my shirt?”

Things had been going well over the past three months. Noel and Julian had been stuffed up either in the flat or in the corner of the café writing for what they hoped could be something more than another radio series.

Julian had dropped Oliver off at nursery school that morning since Kate had to work. He’d rushed home right after to finish writing a scene he and Noel had gotten hooked on as the sun was rising and streams of light were beaming through the small living room window.

Now he was fucking him over the kitchen counter. Again. Noel’s hands kept slipping on the countertop, unable to get a proper grip with sweaty palms. A happy sigh escaped him every time Julian pounded into him. One hand was holding Noel’s hip firmly as the other snaked around to grip his cock, only needing to pump it hard and quick a few times before they both came. Noel choked out a gasp as Julian pulled out of him.

They both stood up straighter to sort their clothes out. Noel gripped Julian’s chin tightly in his hand, and kissed him quickly and breathlessly, plunging his tongue into his mouth. He let go and chuckled under his breath, turning back to clean the counter off. Julian walked back into the living room. “Right. Now we’ve got to finish this scene,” he called over his shoulder, fighting back a grin.

Noel came out soon after, holding two cups of tea and setting them down on the coffee table. “Right,” he said, crisscrossing his legs as he sat on the couch, “where were we?”

The first two and a half months, they’d done fine being just mates again. But in these most recent couple of weeks, they’d launched back into this habit, as if it were an addiction. Maybe it was. It’d been so easy to slip back into it, and all it needed to kick off was Noel lolling off to sleep against Julian’s shoulder one night. He always felt this sickening jolt, like he was doing something wrong. And he was. But it never felt like that when they were exchanging breaths of air, when Julian nuzzled into Noel’s chest, or when he ran his fingers through his hair.

Julian felt the lightest bit of pressure against his neck. His eyes fluttered open as the fruity smell of Noel’s hair mousse filled his nostrils. He was laying soft kisses all over his neck and Julian tried to remember at what point he’d fallen asleep. “I only was gone for a few hours. You were meant to stay awake,” Noel said softly, pulling away and sitting up.

“Well, you tired me out again,” Julian said hoarsely. He cleared his throat, rubbing sleep from his eyes. “What time is it?”

He watched as Noel pulled his cell phone out from his pocket. “‘Bout four,” he shrugged.

Julian bolted up to his feet. “Fuck. Fuck!” He scrambled around the couch to grab his shoes.

“What?” Noel asked, mildly annoyed.

“I was meant to pick Ollie up at three!” He grabbed his hair and looked around wildly.

Noel just gaped at him, wide-eyed. “Well. Go then.” Julian dismissed the look of disgust that fell over Noel’s face and rushed out the door.

Julian was running down the sidewalk up to the school, almost there. But then Kate was in his face out of nowhere and he halted in shock. “Where have you been, Julian?! You said you’d pick Oliver up over an hour ago!”

“I-,” Julian started, but she cut him off abruptly.

“The school called me. I had to leave work early to come and get him. I might lose my job! You think about that before handing out another one of your excuses,” she said acidly. She maneuvered around him, Ollie scooped up in her arms.

“Wait,” Julian turned after her, “please, can’t we talk?”

She took a deep breath and let it out shakily. “Fine,” she said sharply. She walked over to an empty bench and sat down. Julian followed suit. He shifted awkwardly, realizing he had no idea what to say to her. Thankfully she decided to start off.

“I don’t know what’s been going on with you these last two months,” she began calmly, “I mean, you’ve forgotten to meet me for dinner twice now, I have to keep telling you my shifts over and over again, you can’t decide what you want to do for Christmas, your sleeping patterns are ridiculous, you don’t even want to discuss moving in together… Forgetting to pick my son up just crosses the line,” she seemed to trail off, unsure if she should explain any further or just leave it there.

Julian finally met her eyes. “I know. I’ve been… terrible.” That was an understatement. He felt very sick all of a sudden. “What can I do to fix this?”

She looked off in the distance, considering, rubbing a hand down Oliver’s arm absentmindedly. “Could we talk about moving in together?”

Julian swallowed hard. “Kate,” he started, and she cut him off, knowing what was coming.

“No, Julian. You wanted to talk, we’re talking. If you want to keep avoiding this, then that’s just it,” she waved a hand through the air for emphasis.

He ran a hand through his hair. “Just give me a day.” Kate looked at him sideways, obviously unenthusiastic about the idea. “Please, just one day to think it over. I can let you know tomorrow, no more holding back about it.”

“Tomorrow,” she said. “Meet me for dinner and we’ll talk about it,” she paused to stand up, “if you can remember.”

“I will,” Julian said, standing also. “Kate,” he said, placing a lot of weight in her name, “I will.” She nodded and turned, walking away from him as he watched her go.

Julian kicked his shoes off, making them thud loudly against the wall. Noel appeared from the bedroom at the noise. “Shit, we really need to talk about something, Noel.” He sat down on the couch, sucking in air, readying himself to explain. Noel sat down on the coffee table across from him, folding his hands in his lap. “If I don’t move in with Kate, it’s over. Now, I’ve been thinking about it all the way here. And I’ve decided that maybe if I ask her if we can take a break instead, you and I could take some time to–”

“Julian,” Noel cut in quietly.

He looked up, only now taking in the stern expression on Noel’s face. “What is it?”

Noel scooted forward a bit on the table, fidgeting with his hands in his lap. “I think you should move in with Kate.”

Julian’s mouth fell open. “Why?”

Noel sighed, like it was so obvious and he was disappointed that he couldn’t see it. “Julian, you chose her in the first place. Ever since you met her, you’ve chosen her. So just choose her this one last time and everything will be okay. I’ve been a complete idiot and I should have stopped this right when it started. You’ve never been the kind of person to go behind someone’s back like this. It just isn’t you. She’s got a son, a son that she trusted you enough to take care of. And she’s really nice. You need to be with her, okay?”

Julian just looked at him in disbelief. “Noel,” he moved to touch his hand, but he pulled away from him.

“No.” He threw his hands up, palms facing Julian. “Ju, I got sick after you left. You’ve been sitting around here with me while there is this great girl with this great kid waiting around for you.” Noel stood up, paused for a moment, and walked towards the front door. He stopped with his hand on the door knob, turning to look back at Julian. “I’ve got a gig… Move in with her, yeah?”

[nextpage title=”Chapter Eleven”]

Chapter Eleven

It was a cool day and the structure of the car garage created a weak wind tunnel. Noel pushed his sunglasses back over his head to hold back the hair that kept blowing in his eyes. He shook the hand of the director one last time, nodding and smiling, then turned to where Julian was standing against the wall, cigarette in hand. “Ready?”

Julian took a drag on his cigarette before throwing it down to stamp out. “Yeah,” he nodded, pushing off the wall.

“They should be releasing the video at the end of the month.” Noel zipped his jacket back up, adjusting his pace to keep at Julian’s side. “I was messing about with some of the lines yesterday,” he said after a moment, “want me to drop them by your flat later in the week?”

“Yeah, that’d be good. I’ll call you once I’ve taken a look.” Julian glanced sideways at Noel, watching as he nicked a cigarette from the pack in his coat pocket.

“Light?” Noel’s eyes glittered as he pushed the sunglasses back over his face. Julian rolled his eyes at him, taking a lighter out and cupping a hand around the cigarette to shield it from the wind. “Not like you can smoke as much anyway,” Noel said, slightly muffled from behind the cigarette.

“Don’t got to be cheeky about it. I mean, I don’t mind not smoking because I don’t want to do it around a kid, but” Julian paused to smack Noel when he purposely blew smoke in his face, “but he also makes me want a cigarette more.”

Noel laughed. “I can imagine. That boy is a handful.”

“He is.” Julian smirked. “Anyway, I’ve got to stop at the store. I’ll call you in the week, yeah?” Noel nodded and continued walking, skipping down the sidewalk mockingly, cigarette in hand. “Cheeky bitch,” Julian muttered, smiling as he watched him go.

The flat was still and quiet, except for Oliver standing on the adjacent cushion. He was holding a plastic elephant firmly in one hand, swinging it around like a strange, blue aeroplane. Julian sat sifting through the papers that Noel had slipped under the front door in the early hours of the morning. Kate was off at work and he was here, playing babysitter again.

He flipped to another page with random drawings scratched into it with pen. Noel had drawn a squat little monster in the bottom right corner, lines of dialogue fitting around it. Julian read through the Gary Numan bit that they’d come up with months ago, now more defined.

It reminded him of when they were in their old flat, laying about on the hardwood talking, one CD or another on repeat. He thought of the night they’d gotten the go ahead for the radio series. He’d walked right into the flat after their dinner out, pushing the trunk aside and lying on the colorful carpet there. He shut his eyes and could hear Noel laughing softly, shutting the door behind him. Then Gary was suddenly playing over the crackling speakers of his old stereo, and they both chuckled madly as Noel laid down next to him, throwing a hand over his stomach and resting his head on his chest.

Julian was forced out of his trance when Oliver rammed the elephant into his face, right above his eyebrow. Julian clamped his mouth shut, gritting his teeth and groaning in pain. He stuck his index finger in his mouth, biting down hard to stop himself from cursing in front of Ollie.

He squeezed his eyes shut, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself passed the pain. He felt the warmth of blood running down his face and stood up, pressing a hand to the wound. Julian walked blindly to the kitchen, reaching around the countertops for a dishtowel. He started the tap, wetting the towel and pressing it to his face.

The pain receded a little further with the coolness pressing over it. Julian looked over at Ollie, standing innocently on the couch cushion. Something seemed to fall out from under him then, and he wanted desperately to ignore it. He bit his lip gently, looking down into the sink.

Julian smoothed two fingers over the bandage that stuck above his eyebrow. It still stung a little, but it had mostly healed over the passed week. He and Noel were kicking a football between each other across the bright green grass of the park. It had started out as a way to entertain Oliver, but he’d gotten bored quickly, wandering back over to his mother sitting on a blanket nearby.

They were fine to carry on by themselves, giggling uncontrollably like a conversation. Noel kicked Julian’s legs again, tangling their feet so that they both toppled backwards. “Ah, fuck,” Noel said in a sigh, laughing still.

“Shh,” Julian whispered, smacking his cheek lightly before sitting up. Noel stayed where he was to catch his breath as Julian strolled over to the blanket to flop down beside Kate. Oliver was sat on the opposite edge, ripping a toy truck through a bare patch of dirt. He glanced over at him, still smiling, before resting his gaze on Kate. “What?” He squinted at the light from the sun, trying to read the expression on her face that made her resemble an all-knowing oracle.

She just smiled at him, thoughtfully, before looking out across the field at the other people. He did the same, watching a small group of kids chasing after each other. One of them, a boy with jet black hair, veered off, swerving around Noel who was still splayed on the ground. He watched as he finally rolled over to push himself up. He loped towards them, checking his phone on the way.

“I’ve got to go see my mate’s band go on. Promised I’d go,” he smiled and bent down to retrieve his jacket.

“Little early, ain’t it?” Julian asked, tilting his head back to get a better look at him.

“I didn’t say they were good,” Noel said, grinning. “See you later.”

Julian nodded and watched him turn down the path. He looked over to smile at Kate and run a hand through her hair. “What?” he asked again, that same expression emerging on her face.

She took a deep breath, looking down to take Julian’s hands in hers. It was almost as if she was fighting a smile. “Julian,” she started, looking him in the eye, “I think there’s something you need to tell me.”

He looked around thoughtfully, trying to think of something he might have done wrong recently. His mouth went crooked in thought. “Nothing I can think of.”

She did smile then, weakly. “I mean about Noel, Julian. Noel. Tell me, yeah?” she said, giving him an encouraging look. Julian’s face fell. He looked away slowly, feeling his pulse pick up. “Julian,” she held his hands tighter, “I love you. But you never talk to me about him. You… I haven’t done anything wrong, I deserve to know. To be told.”

Reluctantly, he met her eyes again. “It’s,” he began shakily, straining for the right words, “It’s difficult.”

Kate pressed her lips together, her face still composed kindly. “Since when?” she said finally, almost in a whisper.

Julian broke eye contact again, wanting to look anywhere but in her eyes right now. “It’s weird,” he said, looking off to the side. He seemed to find an inspiration there, like he could finally see what he’d been trying to put together in his head for the past week. “It’s just different. It isn’t men, Kate.” He looked into her eyes for a moment, wanting to emphasize that for her sake. “It’s just him. It’s only him.”

“Then why are you forcing this?” she asked, patting their folded hands. Julian looked down at them, then shifted his gaze to Ollie, and finally to her face. She was still as gorgeous as he thought she’d been over a year ago. He thought about all the times Noel’s face had been pressed so close to his, perched on his shoulder, nuzzled against his chest, or just resting with his, nose to nose. He’d been gorgeous then, too. But when he thought about Noel, he felt a twang in every fiber of his being. Every time, without failure. It was always there.

He took a deep breath, steadying his gaze into her eyes, because she deserved that much. After all, he had no answer for her.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Twelve”]

Chapter Twelve

There was a mass of colors flowing behind Noel’s eyelids. He watched them like a movie, lost deep in the plot. They began dividing strangely though, and suddenly it was just an odd tinge of red. His face wrinkled up and he rolled over onto his side, shielding his face in scrunched up blanket. He opened them lazily after a moment, uncovering them slowly to look around.

Julian was stood at the foot of the bed, leaning against the wall by the windowsill with his arms crossed. The shade had been pulled back as far as it would go and the morning sun was blazing through the exposed window. He looked Julian up and down, studying his black button up shirt, his darkly tinted jeans, the stubble that covered his face in a carefully manicured way. “What you doing here?” he finally asked. Julian walked over to the side of the bed, sitting down in front of Noel and wiping the light film of perspiration from his head. He kept his hand there for a moment, holding back his fringe. Noel looked up at him with his brow furrowed, and he dropped it.

“Came to talk to you,” he said softly.

Noel sat up straighter, glancing around the room as a reflex. But something by the door caught his eye. “What’ve you got there?”

Julian pursed his lips, looking down at the bed and smoothing a hand over the blanket. “Just some of my stuff… We need to talk.” He cleared his throat.

Noel watched his fingers spread over the bed and he let out a shaky breath. “She kick you out or something? ‘Cause if you’ve got to move back in you’re on the couch now.”

Julian smiled sweetly, his eyes still cast down. “I don’t know if ‘kicked out’ is the right phrase,” he looked back up at Noel. “She… found out about us,” he almost posed it as a question.

Noel laughed quietly. “What, you told her that we were together before?”

“No. I didn’t tell her anything. She just… knew,” he said, laying weight in the final word.

Noel bit his lip thoughtfully. “Oh,” was all he could say. He crisscrossed his legs, running a hand through his hair to tousle it. “So it’s over then?”

Julian nodded. “But, not like that. Not… in the way you’re thinking,” he said, reluctant.

“What is it then, Jules?” he asked, leaning his chin into his palm, slightly irritated.

“Do you remember when I told you that I thought I loved you too much?” he asked, wincing.

“How could I forget, Julian,” Noel said, feeling suddenly wounded.

Julian’s face fell even further. “Listen, I know this isn’t worth anything right now. After all the shit I put you through, I don’t expect you to forgive me for any of it. I’ve been an absolute cunt, and I’m sorry. This isn’t something that I had any room to fuck up. But I did,” he paused, breathing in deeply through his nose and letting it out in a steady stream from his mouth, “You asked me once why I was ashamed of you. It would be easy to say that I was just afraid of coming out, being in a relationship with a man. But I’ve thought about it a lot, and that was never my nightmare,” he stopped, afraid of the seriousness of the conversation.

Noel looked down again to find Julian’s hands shaking slightly. He rested his own hands over his to steady them. “Keep going,” he whispered.

Julian steadied himself again, boring his eyes deeply into Noel’s. “I was afraid you’d get bored and move on once everyone knew,” he started.

“I’m not a whore,” Noel said, scowling.

“You know that’s not what I’m saying!” he stopped to get his words back in order, “I was embarrassed of that; embarrassed that you might just leave me. I’ve been wondering for the past seven years what I’d do when that happened. And being with you like this,” he grasped Noel’s hand firmly in his own, holding them up between their faces, “made it even worse… You’ve always outshone me, Noel. Ever since I met you. And I love that about you… But I’ve always expected you to move on.”

Noel’s mouth hung open loosely, ready to say something, but his mind ran blank. “So… What are you saying?” he managed.

“I’m saying that I’m an idiot! I love you. Wildly, just like I said before. And you love me. That’s it!” he finished, waving his free hand through the air for emphasis.

Noel unlatched their hands carefully. “Julian, I’m gonna need some time to think about this,” he shifted uncomfortably.

“…What?” Julian asked, stunned. When Noel didn’t answer he sat up straighter. “Right. Take the time you need,” he said slowly, rising from the bed.

Noel mussed his hair up again. “My parents asked me if I’d go on holiday with them. In the South of France. I think I will. That way, you can have the flat while I’m gone. And I can think about this.”

Julian nodded carefully, putting his hands in his pockets. “Alright.”

The air was still and everything felt moist from morning dew. The sun shined, slanted against Julian’s spot on the side of the building as he smoked. He still missed his old spot at the other flat. He kept a hand raised in front of his eyes so that he could watch Noel finish the sandwich in his hand. “You shouldn’t eat standing up,” he said.

“Why?” Noel asked mid-chew. Julian just shrugged, taking another drag on his cigarette. “I’d better get going,” Noel said after a moment. Julian sighed heavily, knowing that he was about to launch into his list of restrictions again. Well, it wasn’t really a list; it was just one very heavily underlined item: “Don’t call me. For any reason. Don’t call me,” Noel said, shaking his head, “I just need some time cut off from you. Feels a bit weird actually; first stretch of time without you in seven years.”

“I know. And you’ve told me already. I won’t call,” Julian said, handing his cigarette to Noel when he motioned for it. He took one deep drag before handing it back.

“Alright, I’m leaving,” he said, smile spreading across his face. They pulled each other into a brief hug. “See you in two months, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Julian nodded, returning his smile. He watched Noel pick his bags up from the concrete, give one solid nod, and disappear around the building. He waited patiently for gravity to disappear as he finished off his cigarette, for the world to fold and send him spiraling. But nothing happened. He ground it out and walked back up to the flat, feeling more confident than he had waking on the couch earlier.

It was around dusk that evening when it hit Julian that Noel was really going to be gone for awhile. He played on his guitar at first, hoping it would help. It just made him more restless. He set the guitar down in the corner and began pacing around the flat; back and forth, back and forth, until he thought he’d memorized the wood grains in the floorboards. Eventually he passed out on the carpet, headphones set crookedly on his ears and a CD playing on repeat.

He woke up in the early afternoon, groggy and unwilling to move. His mouth hung open and he groaned as he opened his eyes. This ceiling wasn’t as familiar as the old flat’s. They hadn’t done much laying about in this one, and Julian felt a tinge of regret over that now. But he was sure something was different about it today. He rubbed his eyes and sat up on his elbows, seeing that there was a scrap of paper taped above him.

Julian stood slowly, trying to catch his balance in his still-drowsy state. He reached up and snatched it down, then walked over to the table so he could sit down and read it.

“Jules–

If you found this, chances are you’re passed out on the floor, reminiscing like an idiot. Get fucked! Well no, don’t get fucked… But get a hobby while I’m gone, OK?

–Noely”

Julian glared down at his pointy script and pushed the note across the table, leaning back in his chair to rub some life into his face. ‘Get a hobby.’ “I’ve got hobbies,” Julian mumbled to himself. He rested his chin in his hand, looking up to study the large painting that hung above the table. It was of a small clearing in the middle of the rainforest, a cactus standing solitary on the bare patch of soil. The frame was filled with exotic fruits and vines that Julian was sure didn’t actually exist. There was a single pair of glowing eyes off in the corner that gave him the creeps. It just reminded him of catching glimpses of foxes as he passed alleyways at night. Noel had done it ages ago, during those hazy days they were locked away in the old flat, writing for the radio series.

Something flicked through Julian’s mind then, and he thought it could be a solid idea. He smirked, pulling his eyes from the painting. “Get a hobby,” he repeated, considering his thought once more. “Yeah,” he said finally, pushing back from the table.

Nearly a month had passed and Julian had let his stubble roam free. It probably couldn’t be referred to as stubble anymore. ‘Full beard’ was probably the better description. He also needed a haircut, but he hadn’t been paying attention to things like that. He sipped his coffee, keeping one bloodshot eye on the copy machine as it spat out another page.

It was another day of walking down to the nearest shop to have duplicates made of their script. At this point, he felt like he’d earned a PhD in copier machines. He dazedly picked up the stack once it had finished, slipping them into his bag and downing the rest of his coffee as he left the shop.

He turned into the corner café near the flat to buy more so that he wouldn’t topple over on his way upstairs. Just as he stepped into line, his cell phone vibrated violently in his pocket, making him jump and jostle the person ahead of him. “Sorry,” he said, too exhausted to sound sincere. He took his phone from his pocket, stepping back out onto the street. What was probably a solitary brain cell shouted from a small place in his mind, hoping it was Noel.

“Hello?” It wasn’t Noel. He rubbed his eyes harshly to wake himself. “Yeah… Yes… That’s great. No, that’s wonderful… Yes, let us know! Thank you… Alright, bye now.” He snapped the phone shut and shoved it back into his pocket. A grin spread across his face as he picked his speed back up, and he immediately smacked into a light pole. “Fuck,” he said, rubbing his forehead, “I need to sleep first.”

It was the first time since Noel had left that Julian had gotten a decent night’s sleep. Or, in this case, a decent day’s sleep. It took fifteen hours of being passed out in the middle of the bed for his body to finally catch up to him. He stood in his trousers against the kitchen sink, holding a steaming cup of tea in one hand and feeling irregularly alert for what he was used to. It had been dawn when he’d finally been rested enough to move. He kept glancing up at the wall clock, paranoid of the time, and delving into a package of Wagon Wheels that Noel had left on the counter.

It was when he’d stepped out of the shower an hour ago that he’d gotten the call. Julian saw Steve’s number come across the screen and had let it ring three times, taking deep breaths and clearing his throat before answering.

As soon as he’d hung up he’d thrown his hands up in the air and was speechlessly excited for a good twenty minutes. Then he realized he had to call Noel. Was this an unspoken exception to his little restriction? Julian stood there, debating it in his head. He reached blindly for another biscuit to find the package empty. He sighed, tugging at his beard and finding crumbs there. “Could have a shave first,” he mumbled to himself, putting off the decision.

He stared at his phone sitting on the bureau as he buttoned up an orange patterned shirt. “Shit,” he exclaimed, snatching the phone as if it were about to disappear.

“Hello?’ Noel’s voice came crisply over the line.

“Hey! Listen, I know you told me a thousand times not to call–” Julian began in a rush.

“Oh my god, Julian, this is the first time I’ve had a signal this whole time, I really don’t give a fuck if you’re breaking the rule right now,” he said with an obvious grin in his voice.

Julian beamed, his excitement renewed. “Noel,” he said, almost tauntingly.

“What have you done?” Noel asked, giggling softly, “You’d better make it fast, I don’t know how long the line’ll hold.”

“We got a pilot,” he said, shifting excitedly in place. He heard air rush deafeningly through the line, Noel hollering in the background. He came back on a minute later.

“Really?” he asked, astounded. Julian could picture him tousling his red hair and grinning from ear to ear.

“Yes! Get your arse back here,” he said, the full force of the news hitting him now that he was celebrating with his partner in crime.

“I suppose I could come back a bit sooner,” Noel said, and Julian could almost hear the wheels turning in his head.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Thirteen”]

Chapter Thirteen

They had just finished the final pilot scene and Noel hugged Julian for what seemed like the millionth time since he’d been back. Julian shoved him off playfully. “Quit teasing me,” he said, half amused grin on his face.

“I ain’t teasing you,” Noel said defensively, but then giggled.

The worst of the worst had been when Noel had put on the pink squid costume. Julian tugged at one of its tentacles, muffling laughs against his palm. Then Noel was kissing him, hard and heavy, and it had left Julian gasping. “Don’t let that get your hopes up,” Noel had said, laughing all the way around the false wall. Julian scowled as he went, but then realized he probably deserved it.

Now Noel planted a kiss on his cheek. “Want to go to the pub?” he asked, looking hopeful.

Noel was wearing tight black trousers and Julian could just not stop looking at his arse as they walked down the brightly lit street. When they reached the pub, Noel pulled the door open and glanced back at Julian. “Would you stop staring,” he said, too amused for Julian’s taste.

Noel insisted on a corner booth and Julian cringed, knowing that this meant a talk was about to happen. They sipped at their drinks in silence for a few minutes. Noel kept his eyes level, looking at him the whole time. Julian kept glancing around the bar, but his curiosity soon got the better of him and he met his strong gaze. “What?” he asked, dropping his hand from his glass.

Noel bit the inside of his lip thoughtfully, reaching to take Julian’s hand in his own. “I need to know what this is going to be like. I won’t do it if it’s going to be like before,” he said delicately.

Julian looked down into his drink, rubbing small circles into Noel’s hand with his thumb. Did it matter anymore? If he went with it, if he was better, then Noel wasn’t going anywhere. He felt that now. It was coming off of him in waves, nearly washing Julian away.

He swallowed and licked his lips, looking back into the deep pools of blue that killed him every time. “Okay,” he said, nodding, “I can handle it.” Noel gave him a questioning look and Julian simply intensified his gaze, knowing that was the only response he’d need.

“Fuck,” Noel said under his breath, laughing as he kicked a pile of rolled up canvas out of his way. Julian kept pushing him backward, staying silent with a wicked smile on his face. He kissed him in a devilish way, hungry for the taste of him.

They were at the bedroom now and Noel flung his hands out at the doorframe to stop from being forced in. “Wait a minute,” he said. Julian halted, smacking his hands onto the wall on either side of him.

“What?” he asked, smile growing slightly more sinful.

Noel burst out laughing and reached up on his toes to kiss his forehead. “I’m not having sex with you until everyone knows.”

The smile fell from Julian’s face completely. His lips formed a hard, flat line and he turned around and stalked toward the couch, grabbing a blanket off the arm as he flopped down. Noel walked over and lifted the blanket from his face. “You can still come to bed with me. You want a cuddle?” he asked, trying not to crack a smile.

“I don’t want a cuddle!” Julian said, yanking the blanket back over him. He heard Noel giggle and kick his boots off on the way to the bedroom.

Julian had caved to the cuddling option, content to wake up with Noel lying near every morning for two weeks. He laid in bed now; watching the light filter through the white curtains and listening to Noel get ready in the bathroom. He wanted to hit the epicentre today, and Julian was fed up enough to not feel nervous.

“So Julian and I are official,” Noel said enthusiastically, as if it were an expected thing. Julian choked on his drink and pressed a napkin to his lips to stop from spitting all over himself. They were sitting in his parents’ dining room for lunch and Noel seemed to think the split second break in conversation was the perfect moment.

Julian’s cheeks flushed and he picked up his fork to go back to his food, hoping they just didn’t hear him. As if that could very well be a possibility. Noel kicked his ankle under the table.

“It’s about time,” Julian heard from across the table. He looked up at Noel’s mum and broke out into a grin that he tried to cover with his hand. She smiled back, not thrown in the slightest. His dad was smiling too and Noel started laughing, his eyes on Julian.

“I lied, dear. I told them at Christmas two years ago,” he grinned and his eyes twinkled like beautiful blue stars. He could only smile back sheepishly, not that bothered.

Noel flopped down next to Julian with a bowl of popcorn, shoving a handle into his mouth. “Gonna hit play?” he asked with his mouth full.

“I’ve been thinking,” Julian began, ignoring the waiting menu screen on the TV.

Noel laid a hand on his knee and looked over at him. “And?” he asked.

“Wanna get the fuck out of here?” Julian asked, putting his hand over Noel’s and motioning around the flat with the other one.

Noel looked around with him. “Why?”

Julian shrugged. “I kind of hate this flat. It’s just shit memories,” he looked down at their hands, how Noel was softly flexing his fingers around his. “I miss the old flat.”

Noel laughed. “It was nice, but I am not going back to having a divider. I like having actual walls,” he said, smiling when Julian rested his head on his shoulder.

“We can find a new one. Anything,” he said, “just not this one… We need bigger windows. Windows are good for writers.”

Noel ruffled his hair and reached for the remote. “Okay, Ju.”

Two months later, on a muggy July day, Julian was alone in the new flat. Noel was down at the corner shop buying cigarettes. Probably less than intended, because he would certainly use some of the money he had handed him for sweets.

Julian stood up on a chair that he’d pulled in front of the large bay window. He fed one of the heavy red curtains over the rod, breathing in the scent of the fabric and feeling nostalgic. He’d been worried that they had been thrown out some point, but he found them easily, shoved in the back of a closet.

He had just finished up with the other side and was stepping off the chair when Noel walked in, already eating some biscuits he’d bought. A grin shot up his face. “They look good,” he said, shutting the door behind him. Julian nodded and looked up at them as Noel walked up to his side.

Julian ran a hand over the gaudy curtains, wanting to burst out laughing at how hilarious this was. But Noel had insisted on them. He remembered that first time he’d walked in the front door and Noel had turned their flat upside down with color. He remembered having their first real kiss shortly after, falling back onto the couch. He couldn’t believe that had been nearly three years ago.

Noel tapped him on the shoulder from behind, making him jump. “Don’t sneak up on me,” he said, punching his shoulder.

Noel chimed a gorgeous laugh and ran a finger over Julian’s moustache. “Aren’t you ready?” he asked. “Just remember who you love. We’re gonna have loads of girls after us once this airs,” he said, resting a hand on his hip and grinning.

Julian leaned in close to his ear, seriousness on his face. “I like cock. Remember that, okay?” he whispered.

Noel exploded in laughter, laying a hand to his face to try to hold himself together. “Okay,” he said finally, straightening the hat on his head.

They walked off to opposite sides of the curtains, waiting for their direction.

“Hi, welcome to the show. My name’s Vince Noir and this crazy character is Howard Moon…”

End Notes: The End.

(unless you choose to read my bonus chapter. ;])

[nextpage title=”Optional Bonus Chapter”]

Optional Bonus Chapter

Almost seven years had passed and Julian still couldn’t get over Noel. He watched him from his hidden away spot and tried to repress a grin, failing miserably. It finally wound down and he waited a moment after Noel went still. Then he was leaping onto the stage to join him.

He glanced out at the audience then back at Noel who was now on his feet. He was crooking his head in a beautiful way as Julian waved him forward. Then he was bounding into his arms and Julian was spinning him around for the millionth time in their lives.

He looked down into his sparkling eyes, cocking an eyebrow to tease him. Noel laughed, hugging him tighter and pressing a hand to the back of his neck as he walked him offstage. Julian let him drop swiftly to his feet and Noel spun around and pressed a kiss to his lips that made his heart leap. Julian was still grinning like an idiot and he hadn’t realized how long he’d been doing that.

“NOEL!”

Noel flashed an impish smile at him and was off. Julian laughed, rushing after him and leaving off the other side. He smiled all the way to the back corridor, his heart beating fast and his head swimming with thoughts of what they’d be doing later. Noel had told him before they went on to try to steal the outfit. He laughed again at that under his breath and couldn’t believe he could still be so lost in another person after fifteen years of knowing them.

CatMarie
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