The Three Hardest Words To Say

It's Bonfire night 2009. Noel and Julian are sat watching the fireworks. But Noel doesn't feel like celebrating tonight.
RPS Noelian


Characters: ,


Genre: ,



Length: words

Notes: Once again, I’m not sure I like this but…
Comments are love =) x This is purely the work of fiction, all events in this story are untrue. The Mighty Boosh and all characters affiliated are the creation of Mr Julian Barratt and Mr Noel Fielding, I do not claim to own any part of their masterpiece. No copyright infringement or offence intended.

The Three Hardest Words To Say by sxcbaybee123

It was Bonfire Night, 2009.

A tall, middle aged man sat in the cold, wintry evening air looking up at the fireworks coming, it seemed, from all directions of London. He giggled as the younger man beside him shivered.

“Cold are we, little man?” he chuckled, taking a long drag from his cigarette, blowing the smoke into the night sky.

“Not really. It’s nice out here, isn’t it, Ju?”

“Hmm”, Julian looked at his friend.

His eyes scanned every crease and blemish on Noel’s face. He had memorised each one, over and over in the decade that they had known each other. He’d decided that all the imperfections, all of which the younger man tried to hide endlessly under a blanket of cosmetics and hair dye, added up to make him the most perfect, most beautiful person he had ever seen. He never failed to put a smile on Julian’s face with his constant chirpy, excitable personality.

But tonight something was different, something was wrong. Instead of the happy, lively man that usually both, irritated and amazed, Julian everyday, Noel sat on the blanket subdued, lost in his thoughts. The sparkle in his eyes had been distinguished, making the bright blue orbs seem lifeless in comparison.

“What’s up, Noely?”

Noel stared at him, quizzically. “What d’you mean?” He refused to meet Julian’s eyes and instead, looked down at the blanket that they both shared, picking at the exposed seam.

“Well, it’s just, you’re a lot quieter than usual, that’s all. You seem a bit lost. There’s nothing wrong is there?”

“No, of course not. I’m fine. I’m great. Honestly.”

He attempted to smile but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“You’re not fooling me, Noel. You’ve been my best mate for 11 years, I know when there’s something wrong with you. Is it Dee? You haven’t had another row again, have you?”

“No, it’s nothing like that. Like I said, I’m O.K.”

“Is it me?”, Julian asked.

Noel didn’t answer.

“What have I done? Have I upset you or something?”

Noel shook his head.

“Ju?” he said, looking through his lashes, eyes glistening in the moonlight.


“I…erm…I…It…It doesn’t matter.” The younger man struggled to look at his best friend, his cheeks turning the most beautiful shade of pink.

Julian reached out and clasped Noel’s hand in his own. He entwined their fingers, as if it was a secret signal to reassure the man by his side. He traced circles on Noel’s hand feeling him shiver beneath his touch.

“Seriously, what’s wrong, Noel?” Julian looked up, his brow furrowing with concern and a little confusion.

Taking a deep breath, Noel shook violently. ‘This is it’, he thought.

He looked deep into Julian’s eyes and whispered,

“I love you”

“You…you what?”

“I…I love you”

Time seemed to stand still as the two men looked at each other, not quite believing that Noel had finally told his best friend how he really felt.

“Julian…Ju, say something, please.” Noel tried to touched his friend’s arm but dropped his hand as Julian continued to stare at him.

“How…um….how long have you-”

“Forever. You…you’re the love of my life, Ju. You always have been, you probably always will be.”

Noel jumped as Julian snarled,

‘Why now? Why choose to tell me all of this now when you know that me and Julia are engaged?”, Julian’s anger rose with each word, “Were you just going to humiliate me and her? Were you just pissing me around all the time?!”

“No! Of course not! I just..I…couldn’t tell you”

Noel’s mouth was dry, screaming for moister yet he felt sick to the stomach. This was a mistake, he should have bit his tongue, kept it all to himself. But now he couldn’t take it back. And he wished to God that he could.

“Why?! What was so bloody bad about it that you couldn’t tell me years ago? Were you ashamed? Were you?”

Noel’s eyes shone as tears welled up, making his lip quiver.

“No, I wasn’t ashamed, Ju. I couldn’t tell you because…because I was scared. I was frightened that you wouldn’t feel the same way. I can’t lose you, Julian. You are the single best thing that has ever happened to me and I couldn’t bare the thought of never seeing you again.”

“Fucking hell, Noel! You…you…look I…I have children now, O.K? I’m sorry but I am not jeopardising my little boys for something that might not even work. I’m just not…my children are my life, Noel. And I’m sorry, I love you, I really do, but my babies need me and I need them”.

Noel stared at him. The tears that he had battled to keep from falling rolled from his eyes but he neither noticed them nor cared.

“So that’s it? You’re just going to ignore everything? Julian, I LOVE YOU! I don’t want to ruin what you and Julia have but I’m not going to pretend I don’t feel the things I do. I want to be with you, Ju. Please, don’t break my heart any more than you already have”.

Julian moved towards the man at his side, the man who looked as if his whole world had just crumbled at his feet.

Shaking, he put his hand to Noel’s cheek. Julian tilted his friend’s head up, gently, making their lips meet in a soft kiss.

Noel brushed his cheek against Julian’s, savouring the feeling of stubble against his own smooth, soft skin. They sat for a while listening to their breath mingle with each others.

Julian gestured for Noel to shuffle closer to him, as he was starting to shiver again, his breath returning to it’s normal speed. He was shuddering as he tried to stop crying.

This was the only place he felt safe. In Julian’s arms. It felt as if world wars could happen around him but as long as he was with Ju, he would never get hurt. Julian would protect him.


Noel looked up from his resting place on Julian’s chest, to see tears falling from his chocolate brown eyes.

But before he could ask what was wrong, Julian whispered,

“I can’t do this.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” he repeated it, over and over.

He got up to leave but before he could Noel grabbed hold of his arm.

“Julian. Julian, please don’t leave me! Ju, please, I need you!”

He was sobbing as Julian tried to shake him off.

“Noel, don’t do this. Please.” He said, his own voice faltering.

His friend still refused to let go.

“Noel, just fucking let go of me!” Noel finally dropped Julian’s arm, looking away as he wept.

He watched with tears falling rapidly down his cheeks as Julian stalked from the garden.

Although he heard the front door slam, he still shouted,

“Julian, don’t leave me….please!”

But he did.

A multicoloured firework exploded in the next street, illuminating the lone man sat underneath the stars, slowly drinking himself into a restless sleep, wishing he could be anywhere but there.

Wishing he could be wrapped in Julian’s arms.

Wishing he could feel safe again.

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