Category: The Mighty Boosh, Real Person Fic, Crossovers / Fandom Fusions
Characters: Dave Brown, Julian Barratt, Mike Fielding, Noel Fielding, Other
Pairing: Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt
Genre: Action/Adventure, Crossover, Drama, Romance
Warning: Violence - Mild
Length: 1-5k words
Title: Strange Happenings
Fandoms: The Mighty Boosh RPF, Torchwood
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Noel/Julian
Timeline: Boosh – after Series 3, Torchwood – after S2E1
Summary: They thought it was just a holiday in Wales, a peaceful few days for Noel and Julian at the Comedian Convention. And then they met Janet. The only problem? Janet’s not exactly human.
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize does not belong to me. Noel and Julian own themselves, and Torchwood is property of Russell T Davies
A/N: I sincerely doubt that there is an actual convention for comedians held in Cardiff, it just fit the plot bunny in my head.
Strange Happenings by hilsonFTW
Cardiff, Wales, a brand new adventure. Not, Julian mused, that they were looking for an adventure, just a break. Sure, they had to go to that stupid conference, but it was still nice to be able to get away for a bit.
When Mike had first brought up the conference, a get together for comedians that the Boosh had refused to attend for the past three years, Noel had cuffed him. In Noel’s defense, Mike should have known better than to bring up the hated thing. Undeterred by the swift smack upside the head, which had been fueled by Noel’s anger at his recent breakup with Dee and therefore harder than the usual playful swats the two brothers shared, Mike continued on to say that the conference was in Wales this year and that he and Dave were going to take advantage of the provided rooming in order to fly down to Cardiff early and enjoy some relaxation time.
After some discussion, and a little cajoling from Julian, Noel finally agreed to go. He and Julian would leave after their final interview about Series 3. Because of this short delay, the pair would arrive in Cardiff only a couple days after Mike and Dave. Rich had begged off, saying that he was bust writing material for an upcoming tour he was going to do as Eleanor.
Julian let out his breath in a puff and straightened the seat back to prepare for landing. Julian glanced beside him at Noel, who hated flying and had his eyes squeezed shut with a pained grimace on his lips. As the plane made a sudden dip, Noel grasped Julian’s arm, fingers clenched. Ignoring the small jolt that shot up his arm at Noel’s touch, Julian gave his friend’s hand a reassuring pat.
Ever since the episode with the kiss – damn Noel for writing that in! – Julian had been feeling strange jolts of electricity on his skin and in his heart every time his best friend touched him. Julian didn’t get his hopes up though. Noel may have just broken up with Dee, but all of the women he had dated made Julian believe that he never even had a chance. So Julian put up with his heavily beating heart and tingling skin, which was extremely difficult.
Noel was a very physical person. When he talked, he touched. Whether it be a finger on a wrist, an arm around the shoulders, Noel was always in some sort of contact with person he was talking to. Whe Julian asked him why, Noel had softly admitted that, when they were children, Mike was the favourite and so the physical contact was his way of making up for the affection and attention he had never received when he was younger.
So Julian put up with it, gripping Noel’s hand now as the aeroplane pulled loudly to a stop. A voice came over the loud speakers, announcing their arrival in Cardiff international, but still Noel held on.
‘Noel,’ Julain murmured, ‘Noolie, we’re here.’
Noel’s eyes slowly opened at the sound of Julian’s pet name for him.
‘Thanks Ju,’ Noel replied with a smile, prying his fingers from their grip on Julian’s arm.
Both glad for and upset by the loss of contact, Julian turned to face forward as the seatbelt sign dinged off.
Noel rang Mike as they got onto the taxi cab and the younger man met them at the hotel entrance.
It was a nice place, obviously expensive, with fancy flagstones covering the floor and well-known paintings dotting the walls. Here and there, Julian recognized some; Van Gough, Monet, Da Vinci. Mike led them to a lift at the far side of the lobby with gold-coloured doors and an old-fashioned dial at the top that showed which floor the lift was currently on.
Julian and the Fielding brothers took the lift up to the fourth floor, half way up the building, and were soon walking down a corridor with lush, dark blue carpeting, passing a myriad of mahogany doors on each side.
‘This is it,’ Mike told them, stopping at room 483, ‘Me and Dave are next door. Sorry, but we grabbed the one with two beds. You two’ll have to share.’
‘Not like it’s something we haven’t done before,’ Noel said with a shrug, referring to a time before Mighty Boosh and the summer that he and Julian had backpacked across America and had ended up sharing a narrow twin bed in the only vacancy at a random Motel 6 somewhere in Arizona.
Despite his stomach’s uncomfortable flip-flop, Julian shrugged, ‘Whatever.’
Mike eyed him shrewdly for a moment and Julian swallowed. He knows, Julian thought, Mike knows. But the younger man simply gave a nod and handed them their keys before retreating into his own room.
Julian unlocked the door and he and Noel stepped in. It was a comfortable little place with the same lush carpeting as the corridor except in a deep burgundy and cream-coloured walls. There was a nice-sized loo – complete with Jacuzzi tub – as well as a larger room with a queen-sized bed, two nightstands, and a television.
Noel wandered through, dropping off his suitcase at the foot of the bed before switching on the telly.
‘Alright! Top Gear!’ Noel exclaimed ‘Genius!’
‘Calm down, Vince,’ Julian joked with chuckle.
Noel tossed a decorative pillow at his friend and Julian caught it easily, both laughing. Julian flopped onto the bed beside Noel, fingers linked comfortably behind his head.
It struck Julian as quite a domestic thing, the two of them sitting in bed watching TV. Julian looked away from the admittedly amusing episode of Top Gear, his eyes resting on Noel. The younger man was laying on his stomach, chin in his hands, with his ankles up in the air and crossed. The legs of Noel’s pants, sweats instead of the usual tight things he wore – because of the whole flying thing – were being pulled down by gravity to reveal the pale skin of Noel’s left ankle.
Julian swallowed as thought of stripping off Noel’s clothing filled his mind.
Damn Noel and that stupid episode!
On their fourth night there, the conference still half a week away, Noel and Julian went to a local pub by the bay. Julian got a rum and Coke, laughing when Noel ordered himself a flirtini.
‘You really are an electro-ponce!’ Julian said jokingly.
‘And you have small eyes,’ Noel retorted with a playful nudge of his elbow.
‘Cheers!’ Julian grinned.
Many hours, and much alcohol, later, the comedy duo lurched out of the pub, arms about each other’s shoulders for support, singing their bouncy castle song at the top of their lungs, dissolving into hysterical laughter half way through.
‘You are utterly pissed!’ Julian laughed.
‘So’re you, Ju,’ Noel slurred back, ‘Hey, I made a rhyme!’
‘Lookit that, Noolie, you’re a poet and you didn’t know it!’
They howled with laughter again.
‘Hey,’ Noel said, ‘Hey, hey, hey, Julian.’
‘Where the fuck are we?’
‘I don’t know,’ Julian snickered.
‘Get a cab, yeah?’
Julian nodded and pulled out his mobile, but paused. ‘Hey Noel?’
‘Mmmmyeah?’ Noel replied, suddenly sleepy.
‘What’s the hotel we’re at?’
‘Dunno,’ Noel shrugged, ‘Ask Mike.’
Julian dialed Mike’s number and put the phone to his ear, but it went straight to voicemail.
‘Hi, you’ve reached Mike Fielding. Obviously I’m not he—’
Julian snapped his phone shut and sighed.
‘Guess we’re staying in a motel,’ Noel said, beginning to traipse across the Plass.
‘Whoa, Noolie, where’re you going?’
‘To ask that bloke where the nearest motel is,’ Noel explained, pointing forward.
Sure enough, walking by the wall that stopped people from falling into the bay, a shadowy figure was lumbering along.
‘Excuse me,’ Julian said as they approached, ‘Sir?’
The figure, tall and broad-backed, clad in a trench coat, paused.
‘Where’s the nearest motel?’ Noel asked, stepping forward.
The figure spun around and Julian caught a glimpse of sharp teeth and slobber before the creature lunged.
Julian pushed his friend aside. The creature’s large clawed hand came forward, slashing Julian’s chest and tossing him into the nearby low wall.
Noel, awake and sobered and extremely frightened, ran over to Julian, huddling beside the unconscious form. The creature snarled and Noel’s attention snapped back to it. His breath was coming in short gasps as the sharp, shining teeth came closer. A whimper left Noel’s throat and he squeezed his eyes shut.
A loud shot rang through the night and Noel felt rather than saw the creature fall to the ground, thankfully not atop them. Clutching the still unconscious form of Julian to his chest, Noel looked up, locking eyes with the man in the suit who was holstering a gun.
Noel sat in a metal chair, worrying at the tip of his right thumb with his teeth. The man in the suit, who had introduced himself as Ianto Jones, appeared at Noel’s side, offering a mug of sweet-smelling tea, which the distraught man accepted gladly, cupping the warm mug between his hands.
‘Don’t worry…’ Ianto prompted.
‘Noel,’ Ianto repeated with a small smile, ‘I’ve called our medic and he’ll be here in a few minutes to fix your friend up.’
Noel nodded absently, glancing beside him to the metal bed where the unconscious Julian lay. A loud alarm sounded, causing Noel to jump and a little tea sloshed over the sides of the mug, landing on his fingers. Moments later, the large cog door slid open and a man entered, walking immediately over to them.
‘What’s the emergency, Ianto?’ the man asked, ‘Jack and the girls having trouble?’
‘Civilian attacked by a Weevil,’ Ianto replied, ‘This is Noel.’
‘Alright,’ Noel replied absent-mindedly, chewing on his bottom lip.
‘Hey, you’re one of the blokes from the telly show,’ the man said excitedly, ‘The Mighty Boosh, right?’
Ianto elbowed the other man in the side.
‘You can be a fanboy later. Right now, you’re a doctor,’ he hissed.
Noel looked up and met the medic’s eye.
‘Can you help him?’ he asked, ‘Can you help Julian?’
The medic seemed to suddenly notice the man on the examination table. He shed his coat, which Ianto took, and pulled on a pair of latex gloves. He began slowly examining Julian’s wound.
‘The name’s Owen Harper,’ the medic told Noel as he began to clean the gash, ‘What happened?’
‘That thing,’ Noel said with a shudder, ‘It lunged at me, but Ju stepped in its path so it tossed him aside and he hit his head on the wall around the bay.’
The loud alarm started up again, but this time Noel didn’t notice it, as he was gripping Julian’s hand tightly while Owen began to stitch up the wound. Ianto, however, walked over to greet whoever had just entered. Noel could faintly hear Ianto conversing with someone, but he paid to heed, choosing instead to murmur reassurances to the unconscious Julian.
Owen finished stitching and bandaging the wound and did a scan of Julian’s head.
‘He has a slight concussion,’ Owen concluded, ‘But he’ll be perfectly fine.’
Noel breathed a sigh of relief, clutching Julian’s hand between his own.
The team of Torchwood Three, clustered by the railing of the observation deck, looked down at the two civilian men now in their med bay.
‘Give me details,’ Jack commanded softly.
‘They mistook Janet for a person and tried to ask for directions,’ Ianto replied promptly.
‘Julian Barratt,’ Owen picked up, ‘ Age 41, suffered a claw wound to the chest and a mild concussion. Noel Fielding, age 36, suffered no physical damage but possible mental repercussions.’
‘Hey,’ Jack said, ‘Aren’t those the guys from that TV show?’
‘The Mighty Boosh,’ Owen confirmed with a grin.
‘That show is brilliant! Come with us now on a journey through time a space,’ Jack continued in an announcer-like voice.
Ianto cleared his throat loudly, raising an eyebrow at the two men when they looked at him, Gwen and Tosh giggling at his side. Jack recovered his serious Captain demeanour.
‘Right,’ he said, ‘And what about Janet?’
‘I gave her quite a healthy dose of tranquilizers,’ Ianto replied, ‘She should be out for a while.’
‘Where is she?’
‘Where do you think?’ Ianto retorted, raising a brow again, ‘I couldn’t exactly lift her myself.’
‘Fair point,’ Jack conceded, ‘Gwen, Tosh, get the Weevil. Owen, keep your eye of Julian. Ianto, get Noel out of there so we can explain things.’
Noel gave surprisingly little protest when Ianto urged him away from Julian’s bedside and to Jack’s office. Noel sat in Jack’s chair with his knees drawn to his chest.
‘Will he be alright?’ Noel asked.
‘Yes,’ Jack said confidently, ‘As soon as he wakes up, you two should be able to go back to your normal lives.’
‘Nothing in our lives is normal. We’re the Boosh,’ Noel chuckled, ‘What about that thing that attacked us?’
‘Would you believe me if I told you it was an alien?’ Jack asked.
”Strangely enough, yeah,’ Noel replied wryly.
‘It’s called a Weevil,’ Jack told him, ‘and Cardiff’s sewers are full of them.’
‘A rift through time and space runs through the city,’ Ianto explained, ‘Every once in a while, things pop through form different worlds and times. We deal with them’
‘Yup, we’re experts on the time-space continuum,’ Jack said proudly, ‘Especially me.’
‘Braggart,’ Ianto muttered fondly.
‘Nope,’ Jack countered with a grin, ‘Just from the 51st century.’
‘So, you came through this Rift thing?’ Noel asked.
‘No, ‘ Jack said softly, ‘I was dropped here by a man called the Doctor.’
‘Not exactly a man,’ Ianto said stiffly.
‘Don’t judge him until you’ve met him.’
‘I judged him as soon as he took you away.’
‘Came back, though, didn’t I?’ Jack defended.
‘For the team,’ Ianto scoffed.
‘For you,’ Jack insisted.
‘That’s not what you said.’
‘I didn’t want to make a scene.’
‘So, wait,’ Noel interrupted, drawing the other men’s attentions to him, ‘You two are,’ he struggled to find the right word, ‘Together?’
Jack and Ianto looked at each other.
‘Kind of,’ Ianto replied.
‘It’s a work in progress,’ added Jack.
‘But doesn’t it get weird?’ Noel pressed, ‘You know, working together?’
‘Not really,’ Jack replied as Ianto shook his head, ‘We keep our work lives separate from our personal ones. Why? Have someone special in mind?’
Noel, in fact, did have somebody in mind. Ever since they had met, Noel had always fancied Julian in some part of his mind. The older man was attractive in a scruffy sort of way with his messy, loose curls, stubbled jaw, and moustache. Noel loved it all. The only thing that was stopping Noel from revealing his true feelings was Julian’s manliness. It sounded kind of silly when spoken aloud, but Julian was such a man’s man that Noel was worried about how he would react to such a confession.
‘If you’re willing to take my advice,’ Jack said, breaking Noel from his thoughts, ‘I say just go for it. I did.’
Noel looked at his newest acquaintances and saw the way they both smiled when their eyes met, despite what they had said about not exactly being together. When he saw the sweetness there, Noel couldn’t help but smile a little himself.
Gwen burst into Jack’s office without preamble, drawing the attention of all three men.
Noel just about ran all the way down to the med bay. Julian was sitting up on the metal bed as Owen shone a penlight in his eyes.
Julian looked up and met Noel’s eyes as a large grin spread across his face.
Owen stepped back as Noel rushed down the steps and into Julian’s embrace.
‘You were attacked by an alien and you were unconscious and I thought you’d never wake up,’ Noel whispered.
Owen smiled and made him way out of the med bay, giving the two friends privacy.
Noel pulled back, keeping his fingers curled tightly around Julian’s biceps.
‘How’re you feeling, Ju?’ Noel asked seriously, searching Julian’s eyes with his own.
‘Except for the heard of elephants trampling my brain,’ Julian joked.
‘I’m glad you’re okay, Ju,’ Noel murmured, ‘I was so frightened.’
Don’t be scared anymore, Noolie,’ Julian soothed, ‘I’m awake n—’
Unable to hold himself back any longer, Noel cut Julian off by crashing his mouth hard against the other man’s. It wasn’t the best kiss, just a simple press of closed lips, but it spoke volumes. After a few moments, Noel pulled back and stepped away, a blush colouring his cheeks.
‘Sorry,’ he muttered, ‘I’m sorry, Julian, I didn’t mean to. I just – you were out for soo long, I was worried and—’
Noel looked up at his longtime friend and comedy partner, eyes wide. Julian met the stare squarely.
‘Sorry,’ Noel said again.
‘Don’t be,’ Julian said, ‘I’ve wanted to do that for a while.’
A slow grin spread across Noel’s face.
Noel and Julian stood outside on the Plass with Jack and Owen, who each now held autographed photos of the four of them in their hands.
‘Thanks foe helping us, yeah?’ Noel said with a smile.
‘And for not giving us those amnesia pills,’ Julian added, ‘Wouldn’t want to forget this.’
A taxi cab pulled up to the curb, stopping before them.
‘Well,’ Julian sighed, ‘We’re off.’
‘Mike’ll be worried sick,’ Noel commented.
‘Nice to have met you guys,’ Julian added, climbing into the cab.
‘Cheers,’ Owen said with a nod and a grin.
Noel paused, body half way in to the car, and turned back.
‘Hey, Jack, thanks for your advice,’ he said, ‘It worked like a charm.’
Jack’s laugh followed the cab down the street.