Category: Real Person Fic
Pairing: Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt
Warning: Smut (graphic sex scenes)
Length: <1k words
Notes: Written for the Crack meme, yonks ago.
Sticky Mess by Colour_Me_Troll
Noel’s hand is still on Julian’s face from where he slapped him. Julian’s hand is still on Noel’s exposed hip. They’re frozen like that, staring into each others eyes as realisation dawns in Julian’s, and irritation burns in Noel’s.
Three images flash in Julian’s mind at once. Noel’s t-shirt lying across the back of the couch, the half assembled “art” lying on the floor, and the open tube of Super Adhesive Glue on the floor.
“What did I say?” Noel asks him, the faintest hint of laughter in his voice. “What was it I asked you to do?”
“Pass you the glue.”
“Don’t get any on my hands, because otherwise we’ll both be in a sticky mess.”
Noel nods. Julian tries to detach his hand from Noel’s side, futilely. The pale skin stretches slightly, stuck to his palm, but wont go very far.
“Hospital?” Julian suggests.
“I hate hospitals. All that blue and white, its so boring.” Noel replies, but slips his keys into his pocket and, dragging Julian with him, shuffles towards the door of his flat.
The door clicks shuts and locks, and they start down the stairs, Julian placing his other hand on Noel’s other hip and half carrying him down as he walks backward.
“You got your car?” Noel asks.
“Yes. But unless you want to straddle me and cut off your head so I can see out the window, I don’t see myself driving.”
“I wouldn’t mind straddling you,” Noel replies. Slut, says Julian.
“Tube then?” Sighs Noel, “The tabloids are going to love this.”
“I can see the headline now…. “Mighty Boosh star, Noel Fielding, and colleague, the reclusive hermit Julian Barratt, seen on tube in tender embrace. Sources reveal that they intend to sue the Honey Monster, for his highly adhesive cereal.”
There are seats on the train, but Julian insists they stand.
“Come on,” He says, “Just over here in the corner.”
The passengers stare shamelessly, and camera phones click, as the shirt-less Noel Fielding presses himself tightly against Julian.
“Do you have to stand so close?” Julian whispers into Noel’s ear. He doesn’t have far to bend, as Noel’s arm is slackening, and pulling his face closer and closer.
“You’re the one dragging me into the corner of the train, and holding me gently, but with an undercurrent of burning passion.”
“Right,” Julian replies, and rolls his eyes, trying his best to look bored and somewhat detached, as Noel lazily leans against him, head on his chest, and hand, to any outside observer, caressing his cheek.
“This is ridiculous,” He chuckles, and Julian can feel the laughter rumble through his own body, “We should put it in the show. We get stuck together at the start, and we have to do the whole episode like this.”
“That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Have you been glue sniffing?”
“You’re grumpy,” says Noel, tilting his head up, and staring with huge blue eyes at his frowning lips.
“I think I have the right to be.”
“Come on, in here.”
Noel flicks his head towards the toilet at the end of the carriage, and shuffles his feet next to Julian’s, pushing them along. His free hand grasps for the doorknob, and he pushes Julian’s face towards the door.
Eventually, they’re in the stall, and the lock outside says ENGAGED in red letters.
“There.” Noel says to Julian. “No one can see us looking gay.”
“What if someone needs to use the toilet?”
“They can join us. We can all look gay.”
Julian cant help but laugh. He’s not sure if Noel’s words are actually funny, but everything is so absurd he laughs anyway.
Affectionately, he rests his free hand on Noel’s other hip, and smiles down at his friend, chocolate brown eyes crinkling. Noel brings his hand up, and traces his crows feet.
“Happy crinkles,” he says, “I knew thats what would happen if I dragged you into the mens loo.”
Now Julian laughs in earnest, dropping his head, and resting it on Noel’s bare shoulder as he shakes with mirth. The skin there is soft, alive with goosebumps and smells faintly of marzipan and spirits.
“You must be freezing.” Julian says, but barely notices what he’s saying as he presses his lips gently to Noel’s collarbone.
“How’d you figure that out?”
Ignoring the sarcastic reply, Julian’s tongue flicks out, and he whispers, “let me warm you up.”
“Yeah, alright.” Says Noel, and tugs Julian’s face closer to his with his glued hand, and kisses him hard. Julian leans forward, pressing Noel to the door, as his tongue sweeps over Noel’s lips, demanding entrance.
Noel cocks his head on the side, and sucks Julian’s neck, leaving a red mark.
“Im already hard for you,” gasps Noel. Slut, says Julian.
Noel’s free hand drifts down Julian’s shirt, and rests on the growing bulge in his pants. Pressing his palm firmly against it, he stares into Julian’s eyes, and licks his lips, fingers drifting up to the zip.
Moments later Julian groans when Noel spits on his hand, and lowers it to Julian’s erection, stroking him slowly, teasingly.
Before he can groan again, his own hand is curled around Noel’s slender cock, and his forehead is pressed to Noel’s as they pant in time and bring each other to climax.
Noel bites his lip and a choked moan forces its way out of his throat as he feels himself release, strings of pearly white lacing the hem of Julian’s shirt. At the sound, Julian comes; hard.
Gasps for breath fill the air, drowned out my the rumbling of the moving train.
“What did I say?” Says Noel. “What was it I asked you to do?”
Julian laughs, and replies, “Not get us in a sticky mess?”
“You never listen to me,” Noel scolds, and tugs at Julian’s cheek with his palm. “Hospital?”