Category: Real Person Fic
Characters: Noel Fielding
Pairing: Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt
Genre: PWP (porn without plot)
Warning: Smut (graphic sex scenes)
Length: 1-5k words
Notes: Inspired by the Q&A on the Boosh box set extras disk. My mind works in odd ways. Beta courtesty of plain_jane08
Ideas by crowson75
“I’m the woman; Julian’s the man.”
The words reverberated through Noel’s head as if it had been a declaration of intent. He sometimes wondered how these things happened to him. There he was trying to swat away a question about his and Julian’s relationship without showing the embarrassment he felt. Julian was sat there, quiet as normal. Noel could feel his look, see it in his peripheral vision. If he ruled the world, Barratt giving him looks like that in public would be illegal. Not that Ju would do anything about it; he was a perpetual tease. Noel ruffled his hair and tried to change the subject.
By the time the Q&A session was over, Noel was tense and putting far too much thought into the idea that he was the woman. He was the woman… What did he mean by that, exactly? As soon as they were off stage he pulled Julian into the bathroom, slamming him against a cubicle and kissing him hard. Noel had dropped his hands to pull at Julian’s belt, when Rich – the explosion of noise and energy that he was – wandered in. Of course Rich wouldn’t say a word, but it was enough to end the moment.
“You’re the man,” Noel whispered to Julian before he turned and walked from the bathroom.
Julian knew Noel was planning something. He’d insisted that they stay in a hotel rather than drive back to London. He’d insisted on texting Julian the hotel details and telling him when to be there. It was a deceit that sent happy feelings to Julian’s groin. So, as he pitched up outside their room, key in hand, he might have been a few minutes early. Did half an hour constitute a few minutes? It did to Julian’s dick and, right now, he was the one calling the shots.
He heard an intake of breath as he entered the dimly lit room. The one light which was on was dimmed by a blue scarf hanging over the lampshade. The bed was laid in white sheets given a tinted eggshell glow by the muffled light. And there, seated backwards on a chair, his back to the door, was Noel. His nakedness shone with sweat and his hands gripped the back of the chair he was sat on tightly. His head tilted a little when Julian walked in.
“You’re early,” Noel remarked, his voice tight and dark. “You weren’t supposed to see this bit.”
Julian removed his jacket and toed off his shoes wondering what this bit actually was. As he walked closer to Noel, he began to see more, see things just a little better. Noel’s damp black hair was sticking to his shoulders, the ends hanging in jagged dark points against the whiteness of the man’s skin. Julian’s gaze followed a drop of sweat as it dribbled from the tip of one of the sooty tangles and ran down Noel’s spine. It slowed at the curve, meandering around vertebrae just under the skin, then picked up speed as it neared the cleft of Noel’s backside. It was then that Julian noticed a splash of colour a little lower down.
“What’s that?” Julian asked, kneeling behind his seated lover. His finger stroked the curve of Noel’s backside, then tapped the red circle of rubbery stuff that disappeared beneath Noel’s body.
Noel didn’t speak for a moment. He raised his body, leaving a slick, slim red dildo laid on its side on the chair.
“Isn’t that meant to be ‘up’ rather than across?” Julian asked, amused but also blushing.
“Well, yeah,” Noel replied, as he leaned over to set the naughty little toy back upright on it’s base. It made a squelchy noise as the sucker on the base gripped the seat. “Except that my idea wasn’t a complete success. It was supposed to be up, but then it sort of wobbled and… Actually it felt sort of nice where it was…”
“You were humping the rubber thing rather than being humped by it?” Julian asked, leaning over to kiss the base of Noel’s spine. He licked his lips, the taste of Noel was salty sweet. He tried to ignore the fact that Noel’s arse was waving in his face.
“Something like that,” Noel replied. “You were supposed to find me here all ready and horny and waiting for you.” His voice trailed off during the sentence.
“And you’re not ready, horny or waiting?” Julian asked, as he began to paint circles on Noel’s damp pale skin with his tongue. Noel’s body shook a little, and Julian held him up above the now erect plug on the seat. Noel groaned a sigh, arching his back as Julian’s fingers dipped between the cheeks of his backside. Noel cried out wordlessly as Julian found his well-lubed hole with his fingertips. He rubbed the entrance gently and grinned as his lover bucked against his finger.
Noel leaned over the chair. “Fuck yes, I am,” he moaned, then gulped as Julian penetrated him slowly with one finger. “Just wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“I’ve just decided to help,” Julian replied, smiling at Noel’s abandon. “I’ll be your fluffer for tonight.”
“You’d better be more than that, you bastard,” Noel said. He grunted when Julian removed his finger.
“So, show me what I was supposed to see,” Julian told him, and rolled back until he was sat on his backside. He crossed his legs at the ankles and grinned cheerily.
“Couldn’t you just wait outside?” Noel asked. It was hard to tell in the half light, but that might have been a little blush on the cheeks of Mr Fielding. Julian wanted to steal it and take it home. Until, that was, he thought about what that involved and then… he decided it was rather off-putting.
“Hello? Are you listening to me?”
Julian blinked. He looked back at Noel whose arse still in the air, though he was now trickling some sort of lube over the sex toy.
“If you’re very good, I’ll close my eyes and count to ten?”
“Bastard,” Noel muttered. He lowered his body, pulling himself open with one hand as he lined the dildo up with the puckered hole it was destined to fill. Julian, who had been thinking this was all completely daft (didn’t the man know that all he needed to do was waggle his arse and wink, and Julian was pretty much ready and roaring to go?), was starting to take more of an interest. Noel let the blunt head of the rubber cock rub against his entrance for several agonising seconds. Then, he began to drop lower, his thighs shaking with the effort. He stopped holding himself open and gripped the back of the chair fiercely. Julian moaned and watched another drop of sweat travel down Noel’s back. He looked upward at the younger man’s face. Noel’s head was down and only partly visible, but Julian could see his eyelids fluttering. Noel dropped a little more and his breath caught in his throat. Unable to take the fact that he couldn’t see what was going on anymore, Julian leaned closer. Then Noel arched his back a little slightly, which made the view was rather more interesting. Julian could feel his cock twitch as he watched the bright red toy disappear inside Noel’s body.
He had only fucked Noel once, and the intensity had been difficult. Well, Julian told himself that was the reason; it was his best guess. Blow-jobs and partying and rough groping was all fine. Fucking was intimate, especially when it was good. And they had been very good together; the rough and the smooth, the giver and the taker. Except that Julian wasn’t sure who was which. Now that Noel had impaled himself fully on the fake cock, Julian was even less sure. He sat up on his knees behind Noel as the younger man rocked slightly. He seemed perilously close so sliding off the back of the chair.
“Okay?” Julian asked. Noel leaned back into his arms, his head tilted back, resting on Julian’s shoulder.
“Oh yeee-ah,” Noel said. He began to circle his hips and, when he reached a certain spot, made a funny high pitched noise and bit his lip.
Julian smiled. He knew what that meant and his own cock thickened with silent encouragement. He turned his head and kissed Noel’s neck, then let his teeth bite into the skin. Noel let out a shaky breath as a shudder ran down his body. Julian ran his hands across Noel’s chest, then lowered them to find Noel’s hard cock with his fingers. Moisture was leaking from the tip and Julian smoothed it over the head and down the shaft.
“Please,” Noel whispered, hips bucking upwards into Julian’s hand. The movement must have lifted Noel from the dildo a little, as he immediately pushed back down with a sigh. “Come on, please.”
Julian hesitated a little at the desperation in Noel’s voice. He stroked Noel’s cock again, hoping that was the right thing to do. Whilst Noel had clearly had a plan for how the evening was supposed to turn out, Julian felt a little out of his depth. This wasn’t a jokey drunken fondle or something that just happened. There was intent and there was a role he was supposed to play. He had an urge to look around for other implements he was supposed to be using. Instead, he dug his teeth into Noel’s shoulder, letting his own pounding cock rub against Noel’s backside.
“At last,” Noel said, sighing. “A few less clothes wouldn’t hurt, Jules.”
Julian nodded and tried not to think about whether the kissing or the rubbing was right. He pulled at his shirt and his belt and… When exactly did he forget how to undress himself? He paused when he heard a giggle.
“Get a fucking move on, Barratt,” Noel said with a smile.
“Sorry,” Julian replied, laying on his back. He pushed his shoes off and started fighting with his jeans. “I wasn’t really prepared to be part of an erotic… thing. I’m not really sure…”
Noel turned slightly. He seemed to be trying to face Julian whilst still impaled on the dildo. Julian winced a little and threw his eventually acquiescent jeans over his shoulder. There was a slurpy popping sound and Noel looked at him, holding the newly released sex toy still in his arse.
“I tell you what,” Noel said as he moved to stand astride Julian, who was still clad in his unbuttoned shirt and some not dreadfully sexy y-fronts. “I’ll try and show you what I want. Pay attention.”
Noel held the rubber cock in his arse with one hand and stroked his own cock gently but firmly with his other. He took a couple of strokes, then lifted his hand to his mouth and licked his palm before he returned his wet hand back to his cock. His lazy-lidded hazy gaze stayed on Julian as he toyed with himself, licking and biting his lips, moaning. Julian stared at him open mouthed and abandoned the idea of removing his shirt. A drop of precome oozed from the tip of Noel’s cock and Julian sat up. He felt Noel’s eyes on him as he licked it away, savouring the taste.
“That wasn’t really what I had in mind,” Noel whispered. “But it’s a pretty good start.”
Julian was silent but sat back, his weight resting on his hands. “Show me,” he whispered. It was all getting too much, all of this. He wanted… Dare he want that?
Noel tutted, then said, “I’ll try and be a bit clearer, shall I?” He turned, pulled the sex toy free and returned to the chair. “Imagine you’re sat here.” Noel made an extravagant show of displaying the empty chair.
“Do you want me to sit there?” Julian asked. He wondered why his friendship with benefits had turned into an episode of the Krypton Factor.
“No,” Noel said with a patient smile. “Just watch.” He stuck the dildo back on the chair firmly and smeared it with lube. He pointed to the dildo. “Now imagine that this is your cock.”
Julian looked down at his erection, which was tenting his pants and paying attention, and pointedly didn’t say anything.
“This afternoon in the Q&A, I wanted to do this to you,” Noel straddled the chair and began to lower himself back down on the dildo.
Quite suddenly, Julian had what might be termed as a moment. It was the crash and ting of an old cash register as his brain clicked, then told him he was a bit of a twat for not figuring it out sooner. As Noel started to sink onto the dildo, Julian decided that he really did hate that red rubber bastard. It took him less than two seconds to grab Noel, kick the chair out of way and drag his giggling friend onto the bed.
“Shut the fuck up,” Julian said, as he wriggled until he was sat astride Noel. He pushed Noel’s shoulders into the mattress and poured his emotion into a kiss. Noel grabbed at his shirt and pulled him down. He moaned into Julian’s mouth and sucked his tongue. Desperate to free his aching cock, Julian let go of the other man’s shoulders, resting on his hand as he tried to get rid of his pants. When he realised that he couldn’t do it one handed, he pulled his lips away from Noel’s with grunt and rolled from his knees onto his feet. Using more force than dexterity, the y-fronts were removed and sent spiralling through the air.
Julian looked down at the man below him. Noel had a skinny sort of ridiculously effective grace. The skin of his chest was soft and pale; almost fragile looking. Noel’s arms, Julian knew, were stronger than most thought. The dark trail of hair that curved from Noel’s navel to his groin was infinitely, desperately masculine. Julian made a conscious effort to stop caring about what this evening was supposed to be, and sagged back onto his knees. He put the lube aside and crawled upward, letting his lips brush over Noel’s gently. He ignored the younger man’s confused expression and kissed along the line of his jaw. He could smell the apple shampoo that Noel liked to use as his tongue dipped into the hollow of his neck. Julian let the stubble on his chin rasp very lightly down Noel’s chest. He painted Noel’s rather pretty pink nipples and their surrounds with his tongue. They tasted pink too. Of course. He felt Noel’s ribs ripple beneath the skin as his lips trailed lower. That shocking treasure trail over Noel’s stomach was soft but wiry against his cheek. It was damp from the heat that seemed to rise from the younger man, though it smelled slightly citrussy and fresh. He discovered that Noel was ticklish and warm at the crease of his thigh.
If Julian had ever wanted to put aside the fact that Noel was male, he should have stopped there. Noel’s legs were hairy, strong and unfeminine. Black curls of hair framed Noel’s groin and the skin of his cock was dark. The soft mushroom head was pinkish, but the drops of precome that oozed from its slit tasted dusky and male. Julian knew that it felt good when he tugged Noel’s balls gently, and when he caressed the hidden soft skin behind. He had never taken the time to notice anything other than the fact that Noel wanted him before. He still did, if his moans meant anything, or the tangles of balled up bedsheets gave away his desire. Julian blew cool air over Noel’s cock and grinned when it twitched. Under his breath, Noel began to plead.
“Please Jules,” he mumbled, his eyes glittering as he watched Julian caress his body. “I want you to fuck me, please just touch me and wantyousofuckingbadlyplease.”
Julian crawled up the bed, up and over Noel’s body. He dipped his hips, letting his cock slide against Noel’s. He moaned at the touch, his hips refused to do anything but thrust against the body beneath him, desperate for contact and friction.
“Ah, that’s good,” Noel groaned. He’d grabbed Julian’s backside and pushed upwards to meet each movement. “Just don’t fucking come, please, not until you’re in me, want to feel you in me and I really… Oh, that’s good. You’ve got to fucking stop.” He punctuated the last with a resounding slap on Julian’s arse.
“You bastard,” Julian said, his voice low but not unamused. He nuzzled his face against Noel’s neck, nipping the soft flesh between his teeth until Noel squealed. When Julian lifted his head, his friend grinned. “You sure?” Julian asked as he rubbed Noel’s nose with his own.
“D’you want anything other than a rude answer to that?” Noel answered. He grabbed the lube and shook the bottle for emphasis.
“Okay.” Julian smiled as he lifted himself and settled between Noel’s thighs. Without prompting, Noel raised his legs and exposed himself to Julian’s lube covered fingers. When Julian slid a finger inside, the younger man jumped slightly at the contact and clenched around it. Julian hesitated.
“Cold fingers.” Noel offered by way of explanation. He smiled shyly and Julian carried on. When he was happy, he leaned back and dribbled lube onto his own shaft. He realised Noel had been quiet for a few moments. He looked up and blue eyes met his own briefly, before they flicked back to watch Julian cover his cock with lube. Noel looked up again, his eyes bright and asked, “Ready?”
“If you are?” Julian shuffled up against Noel’s body. Their eyes met for a moment and Noel lifted his legs again, draping them over Julian’s shoulders. There were a few seconds of feeling, jostling and jabbing blindly before Julian slid inside Noel’s warmth. He held Noel’s hips as he eased in, taking long breaths as he tried to be patient and steady – forgetting that Noel was neither of those things. He remembered when Noel arched his back and pushed himself down, impaling himself totally on Julian’s cock. In that moment of bewildered sensation, he called Noel’s name; it was almost a shout. It felt so so very good; hot and tight. But there was more; something inexplicable that made Julian’s breath pause in his throat. Something like excitement and fear; the feeling of being a long way up with too far to fall.
“Stay,” Noel said quietly. He put his hand over Julian’s and squeezed his fingers as he rocked against him. Julian did as he was bid, taking deep shaky breaths. His cock felt like it was being massaged, tugged and sucked and the whole fucking thing was making his head spin. The urge was there to just hold Noel down and fuck him hard, but it wasn’t what he wanted. He wasn’t sure what he did want. Noel was bucking beneath him, rolling his hips and Julian knew that this one of those moments that he would never forget. “Fuck,” Noel moaned as his blunt fingernails bit into the back of Julian’s hand. His body stiffened a little and, for a horrible moment, Julian wondered if that was it; if Noel was coming and this was the end and… “There, yes, fuck me… Now. NOW!”
Words disappeared and Julian’s head cleared as he eased out and then snapped his hips back against Noel’s body. He thrust back over and over. Noel darkly whispered sounds that no one could translate. But Noel’s hand gripped his wrist, pulling him on, and that told Julian that it wasn’t the time to tease and do half the Kama Sutra, because Noel-fucking-Fielding was pulling him on relentlessly. He shoved back against Julian at each thrust, leaving him dry mouthed, grunting and breathing in shallow gasps. Noel was tugging on his own cock, and it all felt too quick, too distant.
“Wait,” Julian whispered as he leaned over. Noel’s legs slipped down to Julian’s waist and he hitched himself up to avoid losing contact. Two strong hairy thighs gripped Julian tightly. Two hands, with chipped bitten nails, clung onto the shirt that Julian hadn’t got round to taking off. Noel was so very close now, his cock rubbed against Julian’s stomach, the moisture from both of their bodies combining. Then Julian began to thrust again and Noel cried out, pulling him even closer.
“Fu-ck,” Noel moaned. He lifted his head then slammed it back against the pillows of the bed, his eyes squeezed tight shut. Julian paused, his thrusts were getting harder and faster. It seemed an imperceptible pause; Noel’s eyes were open again and under his breath he was saying, “S’good, s’good.” He slithered his hand between their bodies and hurriedly stroked his own cock, rubbing it against Julian’s nakedness to leave hot, sticky lines over his skin.
Julian found himself hypnotised by the expressions that flickered over Noel’s face. He would frown and his eyelids would flutter shut every now and then when Julian’s cock seemed to touch the right place inside him. He felt a shiver of tightness around his cock as Noel’s body reacted and he tried to hit the same spot again. His heart and his cock swelled every time he managed it. After a while, Noel’s lips parted, his crooked teeth visible as his jaw dropped open. He must have felt Julian’s gaze then, because he licked his lips and invited the kiss that Julian gave him. It was a soft, almost chaste kiss; terrifying and utterly right. He watched Noel close his eyes as their lips met and open them again when they parted.
Noel closed the small gap between them, pushing himself up against Julian’s chest, clinging to his neck, panting against his shoulder. There was a momentary scramble, as he dug his fingers into Julian’s shoulders, before Noel cried out with a shaky jolt and spluttered warm stickiness against Julian’s stomach. He held on as the after-jolts shuddered through him, his mouth open, gasping wetly against Julian’s neck. Each tremor made him tense his muscles and Julian felt each and every one around his cock. He clung to Noel’s limp body as he thrust over and over as hard and fast as he dared.
“Just hold on, please.” Julian found himself saying. The heat seemed unbearable. Noel rocked against him and pushed against the bed as their bodies met. Any gentleness or finesse slipped away.
“Yes, yes, come on Ju,” Noel said, his arms around Julian’s shoulders. “Fuck, yes, harder, yes,” Noel whispered, his words punctuated by the sound of their bodies slamming together. Julian’s body was on automatic, his hips jerking each time his cock slid inside Noel. Then Julian heard nothing, as the rush of release spread through him and he held onto the skinny, sweaty man below him tightly.
“Oh yes,” Noel said breathily. He pulled Julian on top of him and stroked his back as the older man silently screamed himself hoarse with the force of his orgasm. His cock, still pulsing and dribbling out the last of his release, fell free of Noel. Julian heard him sigh as he was rolled onto his back. Noel draped himself over his body and stroked his chest until his breathing slowly returned to normal.
“You’re a cheap little floozy aren’t you?” Julian groaned when he could speak. He lifted a shaky hand to tangle it in Noel’s hair.
“Speak for yourself,” Noel replied as he sat up on the bed. He threw his legs over the side and stood on seemingly shaky legs.
“Where are you going?” Julian sat up, suddenly feeling very naked. The fact that he still had his shirt on made him feel daft too and he pulled it from his shoulders.
“Drink,” Noel said rifling around in his bag, which had laid, unseen until now, in the corner. He pulled out a bottle of water and a bottle of red wine. Opening the water, he took a several large gulps and wandered back to the bed. He passed the wine to Julian.
“Water,” Julian replied. He chucked his shirt into the corner and sat up against the headboard, holding his hand out. Noel passed him the bottle and snuggled up to his side. Julian drank away his thirst and then opened the wine. He had a good long swig straight from the bottle, then passed it to Noel.
“You could have at least got cups,” Noel said. He shook his head slightly before drinking from the bottle anyway. “Your seduction technique needs some work.”
“It’s a bit late to seduce you now, isn’t it?” Julian nudged Noel gently in the ribs, which made him stop drinking to wipe spilt wine from his chin. “I rather got the feeling I was being seduced anyway.”
“You were before,” Noel told him, and dipped his finger in the wine bottle using the liquid to rouge Julian’s left nipple. “It’s after now and it’s your turn. I’m all limp and lifeless.”
“You could have got cups out earlier,” Julian responded. He took the wine bottle back and had a long drink
“I was busy, you arsebasket,” Noel said, as he sat up and watched Julian drink. As soon as he’d finished, he snatched it back. “It’s your turn. I’ve been… tampered with.”
“Tampered with?” Julian asked. “That was best full on love machine a-working. I think it’s a bit more impressive than being tampered with.” He watched Noel’s adam’s apple bob as he drank wine from the bottle. It had been a while since…
“I’ve not doing that until you have a shower,” Noel said when he noticed the look. “It was more impressive.”
“Thank you,” Julian said quickly, and he grabbed the wine bottle back.
“Can I ask you a question?” Noel traced the scars on Julian’s shoulder with his finger.
“You won’t pay attention if I say no, so you might as well,” Julian sighed. He handed the bottle back and twisted one of Noel’s long black locks of hair around his finger.
“Why did we do it like that?” Noel took a sip from the bottle, then tilted it slightly. A thin cool river of wine dribbled and ran down Julian’s stomach. He watched as Noel licked it away.
“Like what?” Julian swallowed hard.
“Me facing you. Face to face. Not… the other way,” Noel tipped a little more wine on Julian’s chest and started to draw swirly patterns with it.
“Dunno,” Julian replied. He thought about last time. He thought about what Noel had done to get him here. He thought about the fact that he had wanted to see in Noel’s face if it was any good. If he was any good. If Noel was okay. “I just didn’t want to do it the other way.” Julian looked down at Noel who was looking at him through his fringe.
“S’fair enough,” Noel said with a nod. “Better than last time was. Different.”
Julian nodded too and smiled at the blush darkening Noel’s cheek. It didn’t matter that he was a little flushed too of course. It was warm in the room, after all.
Noel lay back against Julian’s chest. He could feel the tension start to build up again in Julian’s body, could feel it building in the room. It wasn’t going to go this way, he decided. Not this time.
“Whassup?” he asked, his voice cheery and bright. He poked Julian’s chest until he got a response.
“Why did..? What was..?” Julian had scrunched his face up, trying to say something. Noel had a pretty good idea what it was that Julian wanted to ask. He was tempted not to help. “Oh, it doesn’t matter. I’ll go have a shower…”
“No you won’t,” Noel replied, sliding his body over Julian’s. He probably couldn’t keep the older man down with his body weight, but it was enough to make him pause. “Tell me, or I’ll make you sit on the dildo chair! It’s the dildo of truth and it will make you speak!”
Julian grinned. “You cannot threaten me with the Dildo of Truth, for I will defend myself with Lube of Lies!”
“You can try,” Noel said, straddling Julian’s waist and sitting up. “But I know that the lube I bought is a dodgy character. He’s a double agent. You’ll lie and he’ll just light you up like a beacon of bollocks.”
“Very festive,” Julian nodded. “Why did the Dildo of Truth get involved anyway?”
“I called upon it’s services,” Noel replied, playing with the mess he’d made on Julian’s stomach. “I wanted you to fuck me. I wanted you, Jules. That was all. But I didn’t know what to say, so he gave me plan and well, here we are.”
“His view of strategy is… interesting,” Julian noted, pulling Noel’s spunk covered fingers towards him, sucking the mess from the tip of Noel’s index finger. Before he moved on to he next digit, he looked and Noel, telling him, “I should tell you though, he’s a bit two-faced the old Dildo of Truth. He’s fond of you; some would say he’s right up your arse. But others…”
“Shut up,” Noel said, pushing two fingers into Julian’s mouth. “He convinced you to do the right thing. That’s all you need to know.”