Falling Apart

Noel is falling apart, and Julian is trying to hold him together.

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Chapter Four

Contents

Chapter Four

Author’s Notes: nearly the end. i dont own


Waking up was an utterly surreal and painful experience. The Hangover that makes its self known the second you crack your eyes open, the slightest bit of light leaping in through your retina and scorching a path to your brain. I turned slightly, aware i wasn’t at home, and remembering just enough to wonder who’s bed i was in, and indeed who with? Opening my eyes just a little further i took a quick glance of the room. That would be Noels bed with, everyone. I closed my eyes again, it was okay to sleep for a bit longer.


It felt like no time at all, but in reality it was probably several hours later, when a muffled crash woke me from sleep. I was on the point of cursing whoever it was: one for waking me, and two for making so much noise. But then i head Mike half scream in a panicky manner and i sprang out of bed. Stumbling around the splayed forms of our friends i ran as fast as i could for the hallway, glad to at least have underpants on. It struck me as i burst in on the scene how weirdly Nabooesque Mike looked, dressed only in his jeans with dishevelled hair. Noel was face down in the carpet and his breathing was shallow. “Shit” was the only coherent thought i could manage. But then something in me snapped, I handed the phone to Mike saying, “Phone an ambulance,” whilst i threw myself bodily back into the bedroom, hooking up my jeans from the previous night, dragging them on while i fell into my shoes. Reappearing Mike waved a hand at the door, “Go flag it down.” And i nodded, stumbling out the door and down the stairs.

Waiting on the cold roadside i had the horrible feeling, that whatever it was he’d done he had done it to himself. So I stood there, and when the blue lights came into sight i waved my arms like a man bringing a plane in to land, sending the ambulance workers on their way i waited. I didn’t think i could stand to be up there. But it seemed no time at all until Mike was at my side, grabbing my arm and pulling me into the back of the ambulance. We were off on our way to hospital. It felt so surreal it was unbelievable. One minute i was laying in bed, blissfully happy, the next i was sat in a dingy hospital corridor with my best friend’s brother. And we both had the news; he had overdosed and then slit his own wrists. It was a blow to both of us. And so I had to tell Mike, he needed to know it hadn’t come from nowhere. We both sat there, shaken. And then a nurse appeared, he was awake, we could see him.

Almost silently we shuffled into the room; he was awake, looking very pale against the white sheets, dark hair on pale skin on white sheets. Mike reached out, squeezing his shoulder before he searched about for the plastic chairs, dropping into one and proffering the other to me. I sank into it, holding onto Noel’s hand all the while. His wrists were wrapped in bandages and there were tubes sticking out of him from strange places. It was a truly scary sight. I didn’t know what to say. “Why?” was all that came out, the strangled thought that was on everyone’s mind. He shuddered and sighed. “I, I guess i wanted to go out on a high…” I tried not to stare at his arms, at his chest, hidden by the white robe. “They want to keep me in…” he continued. “Just for a while, til they sort me out.” And we nodded, sad, scared. Frightened for our friend. Then the nurse called us away, we were to ring if we wanted to visit from now on, he would be in the unit indefinitely. That was a scary thought. But for now we had to tell our friends. All of them, that was going to be difficult.

We were barely out the door before Mike just broke down in tears. I didn’t know what to do, so I held the little man against my chest and let him cry for a while. He needed to do it, needed to let go, and let it all out. I thought i needed to cry as well, but I wasn’t ready yet, that would come later. After i had rung people and explained to them what was wrong. For now i felt like i was in a silent movie, watching myself act a part. I hailed the nearest taxi and pushed Mike in, gasping out the address of Noel’s flat. The return journey seemed inconceivably slow, but it gave me time to think. I had my corner and Mike had his, neither of us spoke.

Back in the flat the atmosphere was subdued; Dee made everyone tea, and then gave me a surprisingly warm and motherly hug for an edgy electro girl dressed in one of Noel’s tee-shirts and her own underwear. I blocked it out and decided to enjoy the feeling of being mothered. So new and wonderfully platonic. It was a wonderful change from the events that had lead up to it so far. Then I started crying. It just happened. And i couldn’t stop. Dee held me too her whilst Mike Dave and Rich found reasons to excuse themselves from the scene. The embarrassment of men crying. I was long passed caring as i sobbed brokenly into my best mate’s girlfriend’s chest. It was another surreal moment to add to my fast building list. But once I was finished Dee offered to walk me home and i agreed, it seemed easier than thinking or speaking. She pulled her dress on, but kept Noel’s tee-shirt, a comfort thing maybe. So we reappeared into the morning, looking all the world like two hung over teenagers.

I let myself in and Dee followed, we made tea and cried, then i went to have a shower, whilst Dee crawled out of her clothes and into my bed. I left the shower and fell onto my sofa; it was going to be a long month. I couldn’t bear to entertain the idea that it could be more. So i sat and listened to her ragged breathing, and cried again. I had a feeling that this was going to become a recurring theme, so i grabbed the phone, rand Sue and invited her ‘round. It was about 10 minutes later when there was a soft tap at the door and Sue was there, i directed her towards my room and she headed straight there. Reappearing with Dee in her arms she promised to ring and see how things were. She even gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. But i still felt numb. I returned to the sofa and sat there. Then I rang the hospital. The nurse told me i could visit tomorrow at four and til then i should rest up and eat something. Alone in the room i privately wondered if i was going to be able to cope until tomorrow let alone the end of the month. For the fourth time in as many hours i cried again.