Ever Fallen?

But Julian knows better. He knows that no matter how hard you wish, that at the end of the day you have to play the cards that you're dealt, and that you have no choice.


Characters: ,





Length: words

Notes: Title nicked from the Buzzcocks.

Ever Fallen? by raynor

Julian wonders sometimes what it’s all about. He wonders late at night, past midnight when everybody else is in bed, dreaming their sweet little dreams. Dreaming of fairytales and things that might, just might happen to them if they wish hard enough. But Julian knows better. He knows that no matter how hard you wish, that at the end of the day you have to play the cards that you’re dealt, and that you have no choice. And that’s when he sits and thinks.

He thinks about the way that things could have been between him and Noel if things hadn’t kicked off the way that they had. If they hadn’t have been so successful and so –dare he say it?- “famous” would things have turned out differently? Would he and Noel be together by now? Would they be sharing a bed as well as sharing their lives? Would they really have to hide behind Dee and Julia? He doesn’t know.

Julian thinks late at night. He wonders what things could have been if only he had played the cards a little bit differently. What if he had managed to play the ace instead of the joker? Would he really exchange their success for love? Of course he fucking would. But these are the things that he thinks about when he pensively takes a drag off of a cigarette.

Smoking is a habit that he keeps to himself, a secret that not even Noel knows about. It’s something just for him, something that he doesn’t have to have in the glaring open headlights that shine on him like a deer, catching him when he’s least expecting it. He imagines that sometimes, he really does just look into the proverbial headlights, staring and confused, not understanding the car crash that is hurtling towards him. He knows that somewhere out there, people have got him sussed. People know that he’s a little more attracted to Noel than he should be. And people know that Noel feels the same way about him too. Julian wonders whilst inhaling his secret smoke; the only secret he has remaining. He thinks of what has been and gone. What could have been and what was. What there might have been…and most importantly what wasn’t.

He can never ignore the nights when he and Noel got drunk “back in the day”, when he first took Noel up to see Leeds. “Other people have the same shitty accents as you Ju!” Noel had exclaimed. “It’s like being stuck in Coronation Street.” Julian hadn’t bothered to correct him, had just smiled and slung his arms around Noels shoulders and had showed him the sights. Showed him the pubs, the nightlife, the people. Showed him the bedroom.

But of course, that was before. That was back then.

Hindsight. It’s a mixed blessing. Julian can see where he went wrong…he can see where Noel went wrong. He can see how their comedy became more important than their…well, whatever the fuck it was that they had. He can pinpoint exactly what he should have done. He can see that he should have done it all so differently…and yet he can’t turn back time. That’s why he’s so annoyed as he takes a final drag and throws the cigarette onto the street below him. If he had just a little bit of extra time back in those days, he would have had it sussed.

But of course it doesn’t work like that. It never does.

You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, so they say. But for Julian, he can see it as so much worse. He knows what he had. He can see it right in front of his face for at least 10 hours a day. He had Noel, but he let the whole thing slide right out from underneath his hands before he even realised what the true meaning was. Or did Noel let him slide? Isn’t that something he should have realised right at the start? There are always so many questions, so many more questions than answers and meanings.

Love is never something you should take for granted, even if it confuses you. Julian ponders this as he slams the window shut, draws the curtains and heads towards the bedroom where he knows Julia is waiting for him. He wonders if Noel ever thinks of him as he shuts the bedroom door and heads towards Dee lying there, propped up with pillows and smelling of perfume.

You should appreciate what you’ve got whilst you’ve got it. He knows this now. Because when you’re faced with it day after day, and you know that in a time long ago before you even realised it, you fucked it up. It doesn’t take very much for it to be snatched away from you, and before you know it you’re right back at the beginning. And you don’t even know how it happened.

+ posts