Wine and Cheese

Was going to be a challenge fic but I gave up cos I didn’t like how it was going.


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Length: words

Notes: Was going to be for the challenge, but I gave up on it cos I really didn’t like something about this fic, and I didn’t like the way it was going. It’s never gonna be finished and I’ve got nothing else to do with it so I figured you guys could look at it and hate it too.

Wine and Cheese by raynor

Vince walked into the courtyard, and strolled over to the table where Howard was standing, dressed up in an 80’s ill fitting tuxedo and appalling “comedy” bow-tie. Howard was surrounded by men and women in equally old looking suits, and, Vince thought wrinkling his nose, there was a distinct aroma of mothballs and Cif. He tapped Howard on the arm, who turned to look at him with a face that was practically beaming. Vince thought he looked quite like The Moon.

“You call this a party, soft-top?” Vince exclaimed in disbelief, looking Howard up and down, with the sound of twinkling piano drifting past his ears. “Where’s the electro? Where’s the style? Where’s the kids getting’ down with the beats?!”

Howard looked at Vince with the same manner as how one might look at a small child who just said something incredibly stupid. “It’s a “Wine and Cheese Night” Vince, it’s not some shindig in a brothel where they play techno and music that rots the brain. No Vince, tonight…tonight, is about class. It’s about society, it’s about-“

“-Cheese?” Vince cut in, still looking around scathingly. “There’s not a single person here under 50!”

“People over 50 aren’t old, sweet child o’mine. No, oh no. They are mature, they have mellowed out like a rather fine piece of cheese, or a particular bottle of Merlot, or a book which exceeds expectations every day with age. More like-“

“-Crap that’s what it’s more like, small eyes. This is bollocks, Howard! There’s one guy eating cheese who looks like Dame Edna Everedge, and a woman with a hat that looks like a small animal on the top of her head. Perhaps it’s a rodent, perhaps its foreign animal, I don’t know. Either way, this party is the worst I’ve ever been to.”

“Even worse than when you went to the Gary Numan lookalike party and everyone there was a transvestite?” Howard replied smartly, gesturing with his glass of wine.

“Nothin’ wrong with people thinkin’ you’re a woman dressed as a man,” Vince replied, taking Howards glass out of his hand and putting it to his own lips instead. “Especially if their legs are as good as mine.”

The crowd that had been standing around Howard had slowly dispersed, leaving just the two of them standing next to the table which had a few puff pastries and slabs of cheese on it. Howard helped himself to one of the slabs, took a delicate bite out of it and sat it back down on the plate.

“You’re supposed to cut it,” Vince told him, rolling his eyes. “You cut the cheese and eat a slice, not pick up the block and nibble it.”

“I’ll do what I want at my cheese party,” Howard replied scathingly. “I’ll eat my cheese how I want to.”

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