Category: The Mighty Boosh
Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Length: 1-5k words
Run, Boosh, Run! by Maestro
This is the Zooniverse.
The Zooniverse is a big building filled with animals and people, and sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between the two.
This is Mr Fossil.
Mr Fossil is the Head Keeper. Hello, Mr Fossil!
That’s a very strange wave, Mr Fossil. Why are you only using one finger?
Mr Fossil likes to dance. Dance, Fossil, dance!
Mr Fossil is mean to the other keepers. He is mean to Vince and Howard.
Vince and Howard are best friends.
This is Howard.
Howard is a jazz maverick. Hello, Howard!
Howard likes to sulk. Sulk, Howard, sulk!
Howard is sad. Why are you sad, Howard?
Oh dear. Howard has lost his best friend, Vince.
Would you like us to help you look for him, Howard?
Well, we’re going to anyway. And please don’t use that kind of naughty language in front of the children.
Is Vince in the zookeepers’ hut?
Yes Howard, I know that we’re in the zookeepers’ hut. Maybe Vince is hiding.
Is Vince in the cupboard?
I don’t know why Vince would be in the cupboard, Howard. Maybe he saw something shiny in there.
Is Vince in the blender?
Howard looks angry.
Why are you angry, Howard?
We’re only trying to help, Howard. And I don’t see any dogs around here, especially not any female ones.
Maybe Vince is hiding somewhere else in the zoo. Shall we go and look for him?
This is Naboo’s Kiosk.
This is Naboo.
Naboo is a shaman. Hello, Naboo!
Naboo likes to smoke his hookah. Smoke, Naboo, smoke!
Naboo, do you know where Vince is?
I’m not a retard, Naboo, thank you. I’m a friend of Howard’s.
Yes I am, Howard. Don’t be silly.
Is Vince hiding in Naboo’s Kiosk?
Maybe Naboo could give us a spell to find Vince.
Yes, he is missing, Naboo. We can’t find him.
Why would he be hiding from me, Naboo?
That’s not a very nice thing to say.
Let’s keep looking, Howard.
This is Bollo’s cage.
This is Bollo. Hello, Bollo!
Bollo is an ape. What, Bollo? You are an ape.
Bollo is also a DJ at a roller disco, although only on weekends.
Bollo likes to practice mixing harsh, tasty beats. Mix, Bollo, mix!
Is Vince in Bollo’s cage?
But wait! What has Howard found?
It’s Vince’s hat!
Vince must have been in Bollo’s cage, but now he’s gone. Where has Vince gone, Bollo?
To the panda enclosure?
Let’s go, Howard!
Howard looks sad.
Why are you sad, Howard? Is it because we can’t find Vince?
You suspect Vince of an adulterous affair with a panda?
Boys don’t kiss pandas. They kiss girls, and sometimes boys, if they’re particularly poofy.
This is the panda enclosure.
These are the pandas. Hello, pandas!
The pandas like to put on Japanese Noh theatre.
Act, pandas, act!
Is Vince in the panda enclosure?
Pandas, have you seen Vince?
Oh, wait. Only Vince can talk to animals. Except Bollo, but that’s a continuity issue and not a question for a child’s storybook.
What have you found, Howard? One of the pandas is wearing Vince’s cowboy boots? What does that mean?
I keep telling you, Howard, boys don’t fall in love with pandas. That would just be mad. Vince probably left his boots here for you to find.
Where shall we try next, Howard?
I don’t think we’ll find Vince there. And I’m certainly not going to shove my head up there.
Let’s try the Reptile House.
This is the Reptile House.
This is Mrs Gideon. She is Head of Reptiles.
Mrs Gideon likes to ignore Howard. Ignore, Mrs Gideon, ignore!
Is Vince in the Reptile House?
Mrs Gideon, have you seen Vince?
Have you seen any items of Vince’s clothing?
I don’t think it’s a silly question, Mrs Gideon.
Howard, what have you found?
Those are Vince’s incredibly tight trousers!
At this rate, Vince will be nude before we’ve made it round half the zoo.
Howard looks excited.
Howard, Mrs Gideon. Howard is the man standing next to you.
No, Mrs Gideon. Howard has been at the Zooniverse for a very long time.
Silly Mrs Gideon!
What’s that, Howard? One of the pandas asked you to give a note to Mrs Gideon?
Mrs Gideon looks excited.
Why are you excited, Mrs Gideon?
Oh, you have to leave? Right now? Oh dear.
Will you let us know if you see Vince, Mrs Gideon?
I said, will you let us know if…oh, she’s gone.
Where shall we look now, Howard?
What do you mean, you give up? We haven’t found Vince!
I don’t think it is ‘traipsing round after him like a lapdog’, Howard.
Howard is going back to the zookeepers’ hut to mope about the state of his relationship. Mope, Howard, mope!
Let’s follow him.
He was in the zookeepers’ hut all the time, hiding in the wardrobe!
Vince, where are your trousers?
Oh, Howard has them.
Howard, give Vince back his trousers.
Howard, Vince doesn’t need to take his shirt off to put his trousers back on. That’s just being silly.
Vince? I said, you don’t need to-
We better be going, really. Come along children.
Howard and Vince have important zoo business to discuss.
Well, I think that Howard just wants to check that Vince isn’t hurt.
Yes, with his mouth.
No, it’s not technically a medically recognised procedure, but it doesn’t look like Vince minds.
Say goodbye, children.
No, Howard. Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Today’s episode of the Mighty Boosh was brought to you by the letters B and J, and the number 69.