Stripping Stone

Category: Real Person Fic

Characters: Dee Plume, Julian Barratt, Noel Fielding, Other

Pairing: Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, PWP (porn without plot)

Rating: NC-17

Warning: Smut (graphic sex scenes), Violence - Heavy

Status: Complete

Length: 30-40k words

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Stripping Stone by Sabooyouslag

[nextpage title=”Part 1″]
Part 1

Hundreds of wild eyes stared, peering expectantly out of the dark crowd before him. Countless bodies were pressed close together and moving every which way, waving their hands in the air. At a quick glance you could have perhaps mistaken it for a massive fray, but for the grins on people’s faces and the happy energy that was absolutely radiating from them.

Julian’s fingers were dancing madly over his guitar strings as he played, setting the baseline for the second-to-last song The Boosh Band had planned to perform at Zappa Fest tonight. They had already been playing for about thirty minutes but the electricity they had sent out into the crowd was now being returned to them through cheers, and it renewed Julian’s excitement. As for Noel, he couldn’t be more in his element, and when Julian wasn’t staring at his own fingers he was watching him. The man was hyped up to the extreme, jumping around, moving his limbs back and forth with no rhyme or reason, and belting out lines about a gigantic living pile of angry bubble gum named Charlie. The pink monster in question was next to Julian’s legs, looking grotesque as the day they first introduced it into their show. Even in all the chaos Julian was reflecting on how exactly he got where he was today. Here he was singing about a murderous gum creature next to a man wearing a blue dress, white wig and outrageous face paint. Of course, Julian himself looked ridiculous too, also wearing a dress. Not to mention the nylon over his head and the face strapped onto the back of his skull. Sometimes he had moments where he would realise just how odd the world was that he lived in. But it never lasted for long.

It was beginning to get uncomfortably warm where Julian was standing, and he squinted up at the lights beaming down on him. That was one aspect he never enjoyed about performing. Even in a dress, his skin felt clammy and the fabric hanging off his frame was starting to stick to his body.

“Everybody sing CHARLAAAAAAY!” Noel screamed into the microphone before jumping again into the air. There was so much sound entering Julian’s ears he could barely hear the words being shouted and wasn’t even positive Noel wasn’t just bellowing nonsense. It really didn’t matter though, no one in the audience seemed to care, and they kept on yelling out words to the song anyway. Noel was back to the microphone now belting out the chorus, at which point Julian and the others on stage leaned in to back him up.

“Charlie come, a-Charlie come, a-Charlie come a bubble gum…” And then a little later, “Wrapping around your heart and mind and ribcage, wrapping around your heart your mind your soul!” Their voices melded together into a low chanted hum. Lights were gliding erratically over the heads in the crowd. Every once in a while a face would be illuminated and Julian could see them mouthing the lyrics or bobbing their head to the tune.

Julian yelled into the microphone while he played, glancing out of the corner of his eye to see Dave doing the same thing. But instead of holding a guitar, his hands were beating madly over his bongos. When Dave looked over at him and grinned, he returned it and then went back to focusing on his fingers still moving rapidly over his strings, finally giving one final strum and letting the music stop. A roar emitted from the crowd and Julian turned to fiddle with the tone controls, trying to make his guitar sound a little less flat before the next song.

“Ladies and Gentleman! Who’s inside…” Noel started, before abruptly leaving the microphone mid sentence and sneaking up behind Julian while he adjusted his guitar.

Julian felt a pair of hands on his waist and, quick as a flash, Noel pressed his body up into his and then drew away before Julian could even react. He heard a few cat calls from the crowd though, so he knew that he hadn’t imagined it. Noel returned and leaned over his shoulder.

“Julian, we’re moving to the last song now, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Diva’s under there right? She didn’t die or anything backstage without me knowing?” Noel asked, glancing over at whoever was under the Charlie suit.

“Yep, everything’s good. Last song and we are good to go.”

Noel gave him a smile and then left to go back to his microphone. “Ladies and gentleman! Who’s in the Charlie monster?!” He yelled loudly. He answered his own question. “Diva Zappa!!!”

The crowd cheered and Julian helped to lift the plastic outfit off of Diva, revealing her face to the audience. Noel walked over and gave her a quick hug. Just one more song Julian thought to himself. Just one more song and they had completed yet another successful show. Noel darted nervously around the stage, back to the microphone, to Julian, then back to the front of the stage again. He was like a toddler who had eaten too many sweets at these things. An overgrown ball of energy.

Julian took a deep breath and began announcing the next song. He saw Noel getting a drink of water as he readied himself for their last track. The crowd quieted down a little. Julian really didn’t like speaking in public and even after all the times he had had to, he still wasn’t comfortable doing it. He was mumbling the words quickly now, ready to hand the spotlight once again to Noel, who, after Julian had finished, gladly took it back. He was already bouncing around again which was a fairly stupid idea, considering how short the dress was he that was wearing. Excitement pushed dangerously to a breaking point, as Noel started screaming the words out to their final song.

“I DID A SHIT ON YOUR MUM, I DID A SHIT ON YOUR MUM, I DID A SHIT ON YOUR MUM, AND SHE RATHER LIKED IT!!!” Noel bellowed as the crowd got louder. He repeated the lines over and over, changing words here and there to move the song along. By the time it was almost over, Julian was sweating like mad playing under the stage lights. This one was even faster than the one before it. Dave was banging his tambourine violently and moving to the music and Noel’s lyrics were now coming out in cracked screams.

Finally the song was over and Julian let the last note from his guitar fade off before setting it down. He took a deep breath and started to walk off stage while Noel said goodnight to the raving crowd. His heart was pounding and his mind was working on overdrive, trying to absorb the flashing lights and ecstatic faces around him . Now that he had finished without a hitch he could relax and enjoy the electricity buzzing through the air. Shortly after he turned his back on the applauding audience he felt Noel’s presence behind him. Julian turned and grinned at his best friend.

“We did it again.” Julian threw his arm around Noel’s shoulder and ruffled his white hair.

“Yeah, we did didn’t we?” Noel answered happily. “You were brilliant, Julian.”

“So were you.” Julian said, still smiling. He let Noel go and set to pulling the ridiculous nylon off of his head. It was insanity backstage and Julian tried to not to elbow anyone in the face when it finally snapped free. Noel had trailed off to begin his socializing, leaning up on his toes to hug people wherever he got the chance. Dave weaved through the crowd and clapped Julian on the back.

“Hey Julian, good show! Your playing was brilliant,” he said with a smile.

“Yeah, you too. It was wild out there wasn’t it?”

“Oh yeah! I feel like half the people out there were out of their minds,” Dave answered.

“Probably were. I’m pretty sure our fans are all escaped mental patients.”

Dave chuckled. “I’m right there with you. Hey man, I’m going to go talk to Rich, I’ll catch you later. Great job though.”

“You too, see you,” he answered before Dave turned and disappeared in the sea of people. Julian lingered around for a bit, chatting and shaking hands, returning hugs, laughing at jokes socializing like the natural he had become over the years. After the people had begun to disperse though, he decided to head to the make-shift dressing rooms in the back. He heard Noel talking as he walked past. It was a little difficult to hear over the oppressive buzz of voices, but he had adopted Montgomery Flange’s sophisticated voice. “I think all the Boosh children quite enjoyed it don’t you, my dear friends?” he asked to no one in particular.

The question settled over the frenzied commotion backstage, and no one really answered. Julian agreed though, it had been a pretty good night. Of course he wasn’t saying they were the best quality performers out there. He really didn’t know how they did talent wise. But he did know the audience had cheered. They had done well. Very well.

This time, to Julian’s relief, he had a dressing room all to himself and he sighed deeply once he had finally slipped away from the laughter and shouts and shut the door. The small room was silent but it didn’t matter because Julian’s ears were ringing loudly in his head. He sat down in his chair and closed his eyes, completely relishing in the calm atmosphere. Now that he wasn’t in the middle of the pandemonium outside he realised how incredibly tired he was. He suddenly wanted nothing more than to drive home and fall into bed. He remembered, though, that he had told Noel he was going to give him a ride to his flat. He’d just have to wait a bit before leaving, that’s all.

After a short period just resting, he forced his tired body to stand and peered into the mirror on the wall. The skin surrounding one of his eyes had been painted black, and looking back he wondered why he’d even done that. Chances are no one had seen it anyway, and now he needed to wash it off. Sighing, he crossed the room and opened the door, trying to remember where the toilets were. Wandering down the hall he eventually found them, and once inside he washed his face off in the sink, doing his best to remove all the dark makeup on his face. Without a towel, he was left looking a little like he had a fading black eye. However, after he had worked a little to upset some of the hair that was plastered to his head from the nylon, he looked a lot more presentable, even with an injured looking face. He hoped by the time he changed back into his clothes Noel would be done chatting, and they could leave because the thought of his bed was growing even more appealing than it already was.

Sure enough, a few minutes after Julian had slid out of his dress and into jeans and a shirt, a soft knock came on the door.

“Julian, you in there?” He heard Noel’s muffled voice through the door.

“Yeah, I’m here. Come in.”

The door clicked softly and Noel stepped in. The wig was gone now, but his makeup remained. He was still wearing his blue dress. “You’re driving me home still, right?”

“Sure, are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, I said goodbye to everyone. I tried to make sure it was quick though. I saw you slink off and I figured you would want to leave early,” Noel said with a smile.

Julian laughed tiredly. “Thanks, you were right. I’m exhausted.”

Noel walked over and collapsed into the chair and watched Julian while he collected his things into a bag. “So how do you think we did?”

“It went well, Noel. Didn’t you hear the people screaming as we walked off stage?”

“Yeah, but that might’ve been because I lifted my dress up as I was leaving.” Noel smirked.

Julian rolled his eyes. “Why do you always do that? People are going to think you’re a whore.”

“I am a whore.”

“I know that, other people don’t need to though.”

Noel’s eyes wandered around the room for a few seconds, before landing back onto Julian. “Look at you! You look like someone’s taken a punch at you Julian. Your eye’s all black.” Noel got up and walked over to him, examining his eye.

“I know. There aren’t any towels so I couldn’t wipe all the makeup off.”

“You probably just didn’t scrub hard enough,” Noel said. He licked his thumb and then started trying to rub the black off of Julian’s skin. Julian jumped from him and smacked his hand away.

“Don’t rub your spit on my face!” Julian said, looking horrified.

Noel laughed. “You are such a baby sometimes.”

“No, I just don’t want you cleaning my face off for me. I can handle that myself thanks,” Julian said. But he wasn’t angry. He was accustomed to Noel invading his personal space after all these years.

“Did you see those girls in the front near the stage Julian? I think they might’ve been crying,” Noel remarked.

“No, I was farther back on the stage than you were, but I don’t doubt it. It wouldn’t be the first time. They’re getting crazier.”

“Maybe we’ll get one completely mental one that will track us both down one day and use our skins to make a suit. That’s how we’re gonna die, I bet you. It’ll be well glamorous. We’ll be famous. Just like John Lennon.”

“First of all, you already are famous. Second of all, no one made a suit out of John Lennon. Third of all, you’re disgusting,” Julian said. Noel just grinned in response. Julian zipped up his bag and sighed. “Alright, let’s go.” He headed out the door and Noel followed behind him.

“Dave and Rich said since we aren’t having an aftershow tonight we should plan a Boosh thing later. Maybe at the start of next month. What do you think? A small party or something? Just so we all keep in touch until we get the movie started?” Noel asked.

“That sounds fine. Did you already set a date?”

“Mhmm, does December first sound good?” Noel asked.

“Sure.”

“You won’t be busy with Julia or anything?” Noel asked quietly.

Julian sighed. “I don’t think so. I don’t know why we would be doing anything. Why?”

“Oh, I was just wondering. I mean, I just wanted to make sure you could be there.”

Julian knew he wasn’t telling the complete truth but he didn’t say anything. There was silence between them then. They had been friends too long for it to be awkward, regardless of whether there were unspoken feelings between them. When they arrived at Julian’s car they slipped in quickly because of the cold night air.

“Fuck, it’s cold out there,” Noel said, rubbing his hands together.

Julian looked over and smirked at him. “Maybe if you brought some proper clothes to change into…”

“I didn’t know it was going to be this cold!” Noel retorted indignantly.

“They said it was going to be on the news.”

Noel scoffed. “I don’t have a television at home. You know that. And if I did I wouldn’t watch the news.”

“What’s wrong with the news?” Julian inquired in an amused tone.

Noel spread out in the car, resting his elbow on the window and his feet on the dashboard. “Well it’s depressing isn’t it? All they talk about is death and violence. Sick people watch the news.”

“You were talking about skinning people and making suits out of them not ten minutes ago.”

“Alright, alright. I just don’t like it because it’s boring!” Noel said grumpily. “Happy now?”

“Yep, now the truth comes out.”

“I wasn’t lying though, the news really does depress me,” Noel added quickly.

Julian didn’t say anything after that, he just watched the road and waited for Noel to speak. Whenever there was silence Noel usually filled it. This time wasn’t an exception.

“Julian, have you ever seen a baby crow?” Noel asked softly.

“Uh….I don’t know…” Julian answered, trying to think.

“Why don’t you ever see baby crows? Are they just fictional?”

“Yes, Noel. All crows are old, and they never reproduce. Actually, they’re spies,” Julian said sarcastically.

“No really Julian. Think about it. Wouldn’t that be genius if somehow back when the world was created some sort of mad scientist or mystical sphinx made all crows immortal? But he had to make it so they couldn’t reproduce because then there would be too many crows.” Noel traced his knuckle idly around the window as he talked.

“And why would someone ever do that?” Julian asked.

“Why wouldn’t you do that? Though, if I were in that position I probably wouldn’t have chosen crows…”

“Right, what would you have chosen then?” Julian pressed, wondering what the hell Noel was on about.

“I don’t know, but it wouldn’t have been crows.”

“Noel?” Julian said as they neared Noel’s flat. “What the fuck is a mystical sphinx?”

“I don’t know, okay, that was the first thing that came to mind.” Noel was laughing now.

“I think that baby crows just look very similar to the adults. I think you can tell from the way their beaks are shaped or something, no conspiracies or anything,” Julian finished, finally answering Noel’s question.

“Reality is so much less pleasant,” Noel said huffily before crossing his arms. Julian just smiled. It was beautiful the way that man looked at things.

Noel must have gotten himself worked up a little because he turned the radio on moodily and let his head rest on the back of the seat, listening with his eyes closed.

“Hey Noel, you really were good tonight,” Julian told him again. He wouldn’t have under normal circumstances, but he didn’t want him being huffy all the way home. Even though Noel knew it, he never got tired of being told. At the comment, Noel opened his eyes and looked at him curiously.

“The primal screaming was a nice touch,” Julian added.

“Primal screaming!?” Noel said, taking the bait. “That sounds dreadful: like a caveman or something.”

“It’s a pretty accurate description of what you were doing though. You sounded possessed at one point.” Julian chuckled.

“Oh piss off. I was not. It’s called performing. I wasn’t even screaming all that much.” The younger man was smiling again, and seemed to have forgotten all about being upset about crows.

“Well anyway, people liked it,” Julian replied.

“Yeah, I sort of miss the tour though.” Noel was drawing on the window again.

Julian did too. Something about it had been magic. It had been hard for everyone when it ended. Julian knew how hard Noel had taken it, losing the weekly performances, being surrounded by people he loved. He sensed Noel’s disappointment now.

“We might have a movie to make soon Noel. The Boosh isn’t completely over yet.”

Noel sighed sadly. “Yeah, I suppose not.”

Julian focused on the road, and Noel focused on thinking, both listening to the music in the car.

They made good time and arrived at Noel’s flat fairly quickly. Julian broke the silence.

“Here you are.”

“Yeah.” Noel said, unbuckling himself and looking at Julian.“Thanks for dropping me off. Sorry you had to drive all the way over here.” Noel apologised.

“It’s nothing. I’m pretty used to carting you around everywhere by now,” Julian said smiling.

Noel grinned back. “So I’ll see you in a month then?”

“Yeah, call and remind me the day before or something,” Julian answered while Noel lifted himself out of the car.

“Alright. I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, see you.” Julian watched Noel walk around the front of the car, waving just before he turned and let himself in the building. Something felt wrong Julian thought, as he watched him leave, but he shook it off, took a deep breath and started to drive home.

ONE MONTH LATER

It was the lights. It was always the lights that got him. Never the people, or the music, but the lights bouncing off the walls like mad neon stars trying to find their own space apart from the others. The purple, red and orange of them glinted off dresses and illuminated the moving silhouettes of everyone who was currently moving like one frenzied beauty on the dance floor. A charged hum of voices was barely audible over the forceful, pounding beat of the music guiding the bodies in their movement around the room.

Julian brought his glass up to his mouth as he watched and was mildly surprised when he felt nothing enter his mouth. Dumbly he tried to remember how many drinks he had consumed already that night. He was sprawled on a booth chair near the corner of the room, feeling the party breathe and unfold around him. He’d never been one for occasions like these, but Noel had begged him, said it was for the Boosh and that everyone was going to be there. Since Zappa Fest he hadn’t really talked to most of the members of the Boosh at all. He thought it would be nice to let loose, after all the work he’d been doing directing and parenting. He laughed a little to himself. His intentions for the evening hadn’t included getting this drunk. Julia probably wouldn’t be too thrilled when he got home.

Thoughts of what he would say to rationalize his behavior once the night was over drifted to Noel when he saw him across the room with his stupid hair and pointy shoes. He was moving with a girl on the dance floor, whispering something in her ear and smirking when she raised her hand to her mouth to contain her laughter. It’s probably not even funny Julian thought to himself bitterly. He didn’t like this girl one bit, which was strange because she was pretty enough and when she had had a short conversation with him earlier she seemed charming and polite. Of course that was quite a few drinks ago, and he was sure he was feeling a bit more polite then as well. Still, something about her was making Julian uneasy. He wanted to go over and pull Noel away from her. Which because of the copious amount of alcohol muddling his mind, he actually did.

He pushed his way through the moving bodies and approached Noel from behind, getting increasingly annoyed as he saw the smitten way this girl was looking at Noel, and how Noel was unashamedly basking in her attention.

“Noel,” Julian said once he was behind him. No answer.“Noel! He said again, raising his voice to stop the music from drowning out his words. This time Noel turned around. Something about his wild eyes caused Julian’s stomach to twist unexpectedly.

“I think you’re done dancing now. Come with me.” The girl was looking a little indignant now which made him cross, and he surprised even himself with the sharp edge in his voice. He tugged at Noel’s sleeve and ignored the girl who was beginning to pout. Noel’s exhilarated looking smile slowly faded from his face.

“What did you say?” he asked, clearly confused at Julian’s abrupt order.

“I said you’re done. Now come with me. I need to talk to you.” Noel raised his eyebrows at that, but didn’t say anything, just scanned Julian’s face for a few seconds. To Julian’s amazement he didn’t argue. He simply turned back to his dancing partner and kissed her on the cheek before smiling apologetically and starting off, letting Julian lead him back to his deserted booth in the corner where he’d been watching everyone from just a few minutes before. It was an insignificant gesture, and even more insignificant coming from Noel who didn’t seem to have personal boundaries, but the kiss hadn’t done anything to improve Julian’s mood. The table they were heading for was deserted, littered with empty glasses. Everyone had long since left to socialize, and Julian knew Dave and Rich were probably over entertaining the other party goers, as was their tradition at parties. Now that Noel wasn’t on the dance floor being adored by women Julian didn’t feel uneasy anymore and he let himself fall back into his seat and rest his head on the wall behind him with his eyes closed. He expected to hear Noel sit down, but the sound never came.

“Hey. Julian, you want to tell me what the fuck this is all about? I thought you said you needed to talk to me.” Julian opened his eyes too look at the mildly annoyed man in front of him. It was late enough in the evening that his eyeliner had started to smudge and his hair was beginning to get a mind of it’s own. Julian stared at him standing there, looking like a complete tit with one hand resting indignantly on his hip.

“I don’t have anything to say to you actually.” Julian said in a bored tone, trying not to be amused by how Noel looked strikingly like a grumpy toddler.

“So…..you’re not going to tell me what this is about then?” Noel answered, with something in his voice Julian couldn’t quite place.

“Nope.” Julian stretched and clasped his fingers together behind his head.

“Right, so you’re telling me you were a complete dickhead just now, pulled me a way from the dance floor and brought me over here to your little isolated corner, for no reason?” Surprisingly Noel was smiling now. It made Julian realise what he had heard in his voice. Smugness.

“Yep. I suppose so.” He sighed, trying not to sound annoyed that the conversation wasn’t going where he wanted it to. He was beginning to think it would have been worth it just to watch Noel dancing with that girl if he could have skipped this petty conversation. Abruptly, Noel slid into the seat next to him, getting far too close to ignore.

“Um…hi, can I help you?” Julian said awkwardly, not sure how to react to the proximity because he was far too comfortable where he was to move.

“Julian, tell me what you wanted to talk to me about,” Noel said with a grin that suggested he wasn’t entirely sober himself. But then again, he never was at these things.

Julian hesitated a little before answering, but his tongue had been loosened by drink and he was enjoying the attention Noel was giving him, so he gave in with a sigh. “I didn’t like you dancing with that girl.”

Noel’s smile fell but he didn’t look angry. Julian wasn’t quite sure what he was thinking. He suddenly became hyper-aware of his situation as Noel leaned in and whispered in his ear.

“Were you jealous?”

Julian looked at him. “Yeah, might’ve been. Now fuck off. I didn’t mean anything by it.” Surely Noel hadn’t intended that to be as arousing as it was. Noel reached up and ruffled his hair, making it look even messier than it already had been.

“I think you did Julian,” he said seriously, looking for a sign in Julian’s face. He was quiet for a minute then, chewing on his lip and thinking. Julian rolled his eyes.

“Noel I don’t fancy you. Just leave it.” Noel seemed to back off a little, but only for a second. Julian could feel his blue eyes scanning him all over. It was making him nervous. Noel looked more aggressive than normal. Suddenly a wicked smile spread across his face. It was a little unnerving.

“What?” Julian asked quickly, feeling self-conscious.

“If you don’t fancy me, then what’s this?” Noel darted forward and pushed his palm firmly on the bulge in Julian’s trousers before Julian had the chance to stop him.

“Shit! Noel, what are you doing? Don’t touch me.” Julian swatted his hand away and felt heat flush through his cheeks.

Noel took his hand away, but leaned close to whisper in his ear again. A shiver went through Julian, which made him feel absolutely pathetic that this was affecting him this much. Noel was so close now, he could smell him, a mix of alcohol, hairspray and something else, something uniquely Noel. “If I leave right now, will you come with me?” He breathed.

Julian felt a jolt in his gut. He couldn’t. Not with Julia. He was involved. This was Noel. This couldn’t happen. Everyone thought it had already happened though, so maybe it wasn’t so far fetched. Julian rationalized to himself. He was drunk and it could have been anyone. It could have been the girl Noel had been dancing with. He didn’t care; he was too wasted to put up a fight against anyone’s advances. And there was no denying the issue Noel had pointed out. Julian realised he sort of had it in his head that he was having sex with someone tonight, but then tried to understand why he would think that, seeing as Julia had already gone to bed with a migraine before he had even left. Julian sat up a little. Julia didn’t need to know. No one needed to know.

Filled with a confidence that had little to do with himself, and a lot to do with alcohol, Julian answered with a quick kiss. In the past, Julian had always been careful about leading Noel on too much, but tonight he had other ideas. The kiss seemed to shock Noel, and Julian was frightened for a moment that he had somehow misinterpreted what he had said, but the next second Noel was grinning.

“I take it that’s your repressed way of saying yes then?” Noel asked happily. “Christ, it took you a long time to come around.” He rocked backward, giving Julian some space now. “Well I sort of wanted to dance some more, so would you mind waiting a bit?”

Julian scoffed. “All these years of being denied, and then the night I say yes, you want to dance with some desperate forty-something instead?”

“I was asking you to dance with me, you jerk-off, but I suppose since you are a desperate forty-something my answer is yes.” Noel was smirking now.

Dancing was something far from Julian’s mind. He was determined to leave before he thought about his decision too much and guilt caught up with him. “Noel, can’t we just go? I didn’t want to be here much longer anyway.”

“Oh please. I just want one dance, and I like this song!” Noel was on his feet and bouncing to the beat.

“No. I want to leave now. C’mon,” Julian said, getting up and placing a large hand around the back of Noel’s neck to push him gently toward the door. This brought on some grumbling from Noel, who kept chattering about how he came to the party for a reason, and he wanted to at least say goodbye to everyone.

“You know you’re going to be here all night if you say goodbye. I’m not waiting. Did you want me to come with you or not?” Julian asked, knowing Noel wouldn’t be able to let this rare window of Julian’s weakness pass him by.

“Alright, alright! For fuck’s sake…,” Noel muttered, rolling his eyes. “If you’re gonna be like that…”

Julian started for the door and headed out quickly, hoping to get Noel out the door before something shiny caught his eye. Outside it was a stark contrast to the overpowering chaos that they had just been in, and Julian felt a stress leave him that he didn’t know he’d been harboring. He heard Noel’s quiet footfalls behind him, attempting to keep up with his long, purposeful strides. Neither said a word until they were sure they had snuck out without anyone stopping them.

“If I had known you’d be this easy to seduce I would’ve done it ages ago.” Noel said cheekily, still struggling to keep pace with Julian. In response Julian just scoffed, and looked at him out of the corner of his eyes.

“It’s not like you haven’t tried,” He said seriously, to which Noel just lowered his eyes. Julian felt sort of bad for him, because he knew how Noel felt, he had known since they met. Noel had never been one to hide his emotions. And in a way, it was Julian’s fault too. He led him on sometimes. He told himself it was just teasing, nothing more, but in his heart he knew that he was doing it for more than entertainment. Ever since he was a kid though, he had this ridiculous thought that he had to get married eventually, have kids, settle down. He never voiced it to anyone, knowing it was stupid, something a twelve year old girl would think. Now in his forties he had the kids, the partner, the house. Yet somehow it wasn’t exactly like he imagined it.

********

“Julian, are we going to my place?” Noel asked shyly. Julian’s stomach flipped. Of course he was walking toward his car, and of course he knew what that would eventually lead to, but now that he thought about it, it wasn’t as easy to handle. And the way Noel asked him—completely vulnerable sounding—Julian wasn’t used to this. Noel was always so sure of himself, always so cocky. Now he seemed like a different person, and Julian sort of liked it. He felt like he was in control now, which made it a little easier to keep his cool, even though a part of him felt like turning around and saying this was all a bad idea.

“Well we sure as hell aren’t going to mine,” Julian answered. He was feeling a little grumpy at the prospect of Julia. He sort of wished he didn’t have her to worry about; just for this one night. Noel smiled sadly, and Julian could tell he was probably thinking something along the same lines. They were at the car before they knew it, and Julian drove quietly to Noel’s flat, which thankfully, wasn’t too far away. Julian was far from sober and didn’t want to have to drive more than he had to. He just listened to Noel talk and nodded every once in a while hoping he wouldn’t ask any questions because Julian was listening more to the sound of Noel’s voice than to the words he was saying.

Now that they were nearing the flat, he was thinking more and more that this was the right decision. Noel’s hand was resting on the console, and Julian had a strange urge to hold it in his but he felt that that was too much and silently scolded himself for thinking such a juvenile thought. But with every increasing second, Noel was becoming more and more irresistible to him, and Julian had a funny feeling it wasn’t just the alcohol.

He followed Noel up the stairs to his flat, and waited awkwardly behind him as he opened the door. Inside was just the same as it always was, just cluttered enough to be messy, but not enough to be obnoxious. Noel had left to use the toilet, and Julian felt horribly uncomfortable, not knowing how to start off when he returned. He had been with one person for so long, that sex wasn’t exciting anymore; it was a ritual. Just go through the steps. This was reducing him to madness though. Suddenly he was a teenager again. Feverish and nervous and painfully turned on. When Noel came out again, he looked happier than ever and came right up to Julian and looked in his eyes.

“You sure you realise what’s going to happen now?”

“A game of chess right?” Julian said, in an effort to make himself less nervous. In the end it was a lame attempt at humour and he just felt stupid.

“Something like that,” Noel responded. He sighed a little sadly, almost as if he didn’t want to say what he was about to. “You have a girlfriend.” He stated quietly, letting his shoulders slump a little.

Julian didn’t want to be reminded. “So do you.” He said with a grin. Noel perked up immediately at his response.

“And you’re actually going to go through with this this time?” Noel asked quickly, holding his breath.

“Are trying to convince me out of it?” Julian said, getting annoyed with the conversation and leaning forward to kiss Noel’s neck. Noel moved just out of reach.

“You are drunk,” Noel said a little too happily.

“So are you,” Julian growled, now completely focused on getting Noel to shut up so he could get on with things.

“Okay, okay,” Noel chuckled. “That was your last chance. You can’t get rid of me now.” He let Julian bring him into his arms and kiss him roughly. Noel made a happy sounding noise into his mouth. Julian had forgotten the feeling, the monopolizing obsession of wanting someone so bad he could barely stop himself. And right now he didn’t want anything but Noel. All of Noel. Which was why he cursed angrily when Noel broke away and started talking again.

“Julian, I don’t want you to be gentle with me. I like things rough.” A jolt went through both Julian’s stomach and through his cock.

“Rough? I should’ve known, you absolute tart.” Julian had never had a partner like this before. They never wanted things fast and hard, so this was new to him which made him a little nervous. But, he thought, he might as well go for it. He reached down to Noel’s wrist and grabbed it harshly, bringing it up next to his face. Noel’s eyes widened and a small gasp escaped him, as if he hadn’t expected Julian to play along that easily.

“You liked that?” Julian asked gruffly, raising an eyebrow. Noel nodded in response, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “You are crazy, you know that?” Julian said, shaking his head.

“Fucking mental, I know,” Noel purred, and flung his arms around Julian’s neck, pressing their bodies together. Noel couldn’t see it because his face was nuzzled into Julian’s neck, but Julian was grinning, overcome with unexpected affection for the man he was holding in his arms. He wanted to just hold him and never stop, but he snapped himself out of it and reminded himself that that’s not what Noel wanted. It killed him inside, but he pushed the thin, warm body off of him.

“Julian, do you care about me?” Noel asked quietly.

“Of course I do. Why would you think I didn’t?”

“You never tell me,” Noel answered shyly.

“I think you’re beautiful, and I wouldn’t be able to live without you. You’re the reason I get up everyday, you’re the sun in the night.” Julian said in an exasperated tone. “Do you feel better now?”

“Will you…?” Noel trailed off, just looking up at Julian with wide, hungry eyes.

“What? What do you want?” Julian wanted to hear it. More than anything. He couldn’t help it. He reached up and cupped the side of Noel’s face in his hand. Noel didn’t move away from him. He brought his hand up and rested it on Julian’s chest.

“I want you to fuck me,” he said slowly in dead seriousness. Julian laughed in spite of himself, but stopped when Noel looked scared.

“Hey now,” he said softly, brushing his thumb along Noel’s cheekbone gently. “I’m only laughing because you make me happy. I’m not going to back out this time.” Noel didn’t look convinced. “I promise,” Julian said, and to prove his point he pulled Noel’s waist close to his and whispered in his ear. “I can’t fuck you if I don’t have any lube.”

Noel laughed happily. “Alright, come on. It’s in my room.” He turned and walked past the kitchen into his room, and Julian followed, remembering how drunk he was when he stumbled on the way back. Noel was sitting on the bed, lifting off his t-shirt and tossing it into the corner. Julian followed suit as he walked in and pushed Noel back onto the bed. Apparently this amused Noel because he started giggling.

“Ju, I’ve still got my trousers on. You can’t bum me through denim. Get off. I can’t move my arms.” Julian groaned, only half in mock irritation. Unwillingly he rolled off of Noel and sat on the edge of the bed. He didn’t waste any time taking off his trousers and underwear, and he was too drunk to feel self-conscious. When he turned around he caught the last part of Noel struggling to peel his own trousers off and rolled his eyes. He soon quit thinking about Noel and his ridiculous clothing when he really registered exactly how beautiful he looked without it. Of course, he’d seen him naked before. There wasn’t much that was kept secret between them anymore, after all the tours and parties but Julian hadn’t ever really taken him in before. Not like this. He had stopped himself in the past, mostly because he didn’t want to lead Noel on. He knew how much Noel wanted him. He couldn’t lie and say he didn’t want him at times too, but he had kept it from going this far. Now that he was looking at him, really looking at him, he honestly didn’t know why he hadn’t given in before.

“Fuck,” Julian whispered. He crawled on all fours over to Noel and straddled him, kissing him messily through a smile. It was all sliding tongues and clacking teeth then, with no breaks except for a breath here and there. It could have been minutes; it could have been hours. Julian didn’t know. He was lost in the feel of Noel’s body underneath his. He could have stayed like that all day, but he felt Noel was getting progressively harder as they kissed and the way Noel was entwining his tongue with his was becoming more urgent. Julian rocked back and placed both of his hands on Noel’s chest, over his lungs, and threw some weight forward, just to hear Noel exhale. Julian had to admit it, one of his favourite things about Noel was the sound of his breath. Looking down at him, Julian thought about how happy he was that Noel hadn’t decided to keep his hair blonde. It did look different now though, shorter at least. He reached down and tugged it hard before he flicked the cap open of the lube that was on the nightstand. He squeezed some out and coated himself with it, and then handed it to Noel who did the same. When Julian was done, he returned to Noel and placed kisses all down him, starting at his neck, then his collarbone. When he hit the bottom of his ribs, he bit him softly, and then sucked at his skin, listening to the little gasps that escaped Noel’s mouth above him. He heard his name being whispered, a little urgently.

“Alright, alright. I didn’t forget.” Julian muttered.

“I’m sorry, I just…I need you now. I’ve waited too long,” Noel whispered.

“Shh…,” Julian said softly as he put his hand on the back of Noel’s knee and pushed it up toward his chest. He started rubbing Noel, all around his upper thighs, his lower belly, getting closer and closer to his cock. Noel was watching it all, begging Julian not to stop with just his eyes. Julian finally took Noel into his hand and pulled at him a few times. It was amazing how hard Noel already was. He moaned when Julian touched him, a drawn out and desperate sound. It was slow like that for a while, Julian moving his fingers over Noel and listening to his breath speed up. He slid his thumb over the head, and then down to its base, coaxing as much reaction out of Noel as he could. It was so hard for Julian to convince himself to stop, but he knew that that’s what Noel wanted, so with one last gentle squeeze he moved his fingers down and abruptly pushed two fingers inside him. Noel immediately stiffened his back and gasped in pain. He eased his fingers farther in now, patiently waiting for Noel to relax and let him the rest of the way in. After a few seconds of both of them just breathing, Noel obediently relaxed and Julian withdrew his fingers. He glanced at Noel’s face briefly to make sure everything was okay. Noel was still looking at him, and gave him a small, reassuring smile. Julian nodded and took his own heavy cock into his hand.

Pushing inside him felt better then anything in the world. Noel’s breath hitched in his throat and with soft, high pitched moans he urged Julian on. Julian himself couldn’t help letting a groan escape. He let himself slide deeper inside the beautiful man underneath him and pushed Noel’s knee up flat onto his chest to allow easier movement.

“Julian,” Noel panted, “Harder.” He pushed his fingers gently though Julian’s hair. “Please.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. They moved together, Julian groaning softly and Noel moaning in a desperate, broken way. Julian’s rhythm had become more forceful and Noel’s shoulders were being pushed up against the wall with each progressive thrust. Obscene noises were escaping both of them now, and neither could help it. Julian had his eyes screwed up tight in effort, and Noel was repeating his name. Julian. Julian.

Both were close. Julian had been half hard since they left the party, and from the incredible sounds Noel was making, he must have been too. Noel’s hands were feeling him all over, running through his hair, clawing at his shoulder, pulling at his lower back to bring Julian further inside him. Everything he did screamed he wanted more. Always more. And Julian gave it to him. Pushing inside him violently over and over.

“God…Oh fuck…,” Noel gasped. He wasn’t looking at Julian anymore. His eyes were clenched shut.

“Julian, hit me.”

Julian thought about it, but only for a second. He had wondered if this was coming earlier when Noel had said he didn’t like being treated gently. At the time, he didn’t know how comfortable he would be with the idea. But now that the moment had come, it was a lot easier than he had thought it would be. It didn’t seem too out of place. They were both feeling desperate and out of control. When Noel realised that Julian was hesitating, he opened his eyes. There was a fire in them, and looking at him, Julian didn’t even consider not giving him what he wanted. He slapped him, hard, right across the cheelbone.

“Harder. Again.” Noel gasped.

Again, Julian raised his hand behind him and this time brought it down to the side of Noel’s face with all the strength he had left in him. Noel went limp for a second under him. Then all at once his body stiffened and he threw his head back letting out a loud moan. He came all over both of them with a shudder and his eyes clenched shut. Julian wasn’t long after, arching his back, and feeling himself fill Noel, who’s orgasm was still rippling around him. He pulled out weakly of Noel and collapsed next to him on the bed, breathless.

Noel was smiling at him, looking utterly beautiful covered in a film of sweat. A small drop of crimson was beading at the base of Noel’s nose. He wiped it away onto his bare arm, leaving a streak of blood to dry on his skin. His chest was rising and falling quickly and his pale face was flushed with pink. He just lay there for a few seconds, regaining himself. Eventually he reached for the tissues on his nightstand and set about cleaning himself up. When he had finished, he crawled over to Julian and cuddled up to him, not seeming to care that they were both radiating heat.

“I love you.”

Julian didn’t even know how it happened. It just sort of slipped out of him. Noel tensed and looked up at him.

“What?” He whispered.

Julian sighed. There was no denying he had said it. “You heard what I said.”

“I want you to say it again,” Noel begged him while he nestled his body closer up under Julian’s arm.

“I love you,” Julian sighed, feeling weak.

“I have waited to hear you say that for so long,” Noel said, in a barely audible voice. He rose and kissed Julian softly, before settling down again with his arm resting on Julian’s chest. Julian didn’t say anything for a few minutes. He found he didn’t have it in him to say anything. He just squeezed Noel closer to him and ran his fingers gently though his hair. Eventually he spoke.

“I never asked you. What made you dye your hair blonde a while back?” Julian asked quietly, not sure if he was sleeping or not since his breathing had slowed.

“Julia’s hair is blonde isn’t it? I wanted you to look at me

the way you look at her,” Noel answered softly.

Julian knit his eyebrows together thinking. Laying there looking at the body cuddled up to him it was hard to believe someone as beautiful as him would ever think he wasn’t enough. Julian looked at the dried blood on Noel’s arm and sighed. He didn’t fall asleep for a long time, just held Noel late into the morning while he slept. Eventually however, the soft breathing and the inviting warm of Noel’s body lulled him into a sleep as well.

********

Julian opened his eyes and saw that Noel hadn’t moved except to pull his knees up to his chest while he slept. The sight of his thin body curled up beside him brought back all the memory of what had happened the night before.

“Shit!” Julian cursed under his breath. “Shit, shit, shit, shit!” Guilt hit him like a punch to the face. He couldn’t even fathom how he could have been so incredibly stupid. There was no way Julia could find out about this. He hoped with every fiber of his being that this was a dream, or at least a nightmare masquerading as one. But as the seconds ticked away and Noel remained next to him, breathing slowly and not drifting away into dust, Julian realised he had finally done it. A panic rose in him. Would Noel think this meant something? It dawned on Julian that it did mean something. But he wasn’t about to give up Julia and his kids because he had had a momentary lapse in judgment. Looking down at Noel though, it was difficult to keep his emotions from destroying the decision he was trying to convince himself of.

Noel’s mouth was open just the slightest bit and Julian could feel his warm breath on his skin. He was completely still except for his eyelashes that would flutter a little every few seconds and the steady rise and fall of his side as he breathed. Julian just sat there, trying to muster up the willpower to wake him and tell him he had to leave. It was breaking his heart. He knew things would be different between them now, and there was no going back. But he supposed that no matter how much his heart told him to stay there holding him, he had to trust his head this time.

“Noel,” Julian whispered, saying it too quietly for him to hear. He told himself to just do it; just wake him up and tell him he had to go.

“Noel,” he said a little louder this time, gently squeezing his arm and nudging him awake. Noel took a breath in and stretched as he opened his eyes. He tilted his head back to look at Julian with tired eyes. A sleepy smile was already on his face. To say good morning he just snuggled in closer to Julian, as if he thought it was too soon after he woke up to use words.

A painful clenching of Julian’s stomach and then; “Noel, I’m really sorry, but I should be going.”

Noel looked up at him again. “No, no. You’ve got to stay for a bit. I was gonna cook for you. Imagine that. I know the best meal to make on hangover mornings.” He pulled out from under Julian’s arm and yawned. “I’ll get it started now. It’s a vegan Quinoa Burro. I know it sounds foul, but trust me. You’re gonna love it.” He was grinning as if the prospect of making Julian a vegetarian breakfast was the most exhilarating thing in the world. It wasn’t making Julian’s job any easier.

“No. Noel, I really have to go. The thing is, it’s pretty late for a breakfast anyway, isn’t it? I mean, it’s already noon. I should be going.” He got up slowly and set about dressing himself, pain shooting all around his body from muscles that had been slept on in a position they shouldn’t have been in. “I just remembered I promised I’d take the kids to a movie today, and I’m actually not that hungry.”

“Oh. Well…alright,” Noel said quietly, his face falling.

“Yeah, I’ll be burned at the stake if I don’t do it today. I’ve been saying I’m going to take them for weeks,” Julian desperately wished Noel wouldn’t look so put out.

“It’s alright. I don’t want you to be charred to death. I heard that’s a nasty way to go,” Noel answered with a forced looking smile. It didn’t make him look any less dejected though. If anything it made him look even more crestfallen. Julian pulled his shirt on over his head and finished tying his shoes, trying not to think about anything too much. It was getting more and more difficult to look Noel in the eyes.

“You still want me to figure out what the deal is with the script?” Noel asked as he slid into a pair of trousers.

“Oh yeah, I forgot all about that. We’ve got to get that thing written. Barry said that we’ve got to finish it soon so we can get the filming schedule sorted out,” Julian responded thankful to talk about something that wasn’t him leaving. However, after Julian had finished his thought, Noel didn’t say anything else.

“Right, well…,” Julian said, awkwardly.

“Yeah, you better go.” Noel said, still giving a small smile.

Julian couldn’t muster up any more words, so he just forced a smile back and headed for the door. He knew he should say something else, and Noel was following him to the door so he must have been waiting for something. Once he had stepped out into the hallway he finally mustered what he could. He turned to see Noel leaning on the door frame. He was only wearing trousers and his hair was an absolute disaster. He couldn’t have been any more gorgeous. Before he could change his mind, he walked right up to him and pulled him in by the waist.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, and then gave him a quick kiss before letting him go. He didn’t see what Noel’s reaction was, because he started walking away and he couldn’t bring himself to look back.

---

End Notes: Continue on for part two

---

[nextpage title=”Part 2″]
Part 2

“Alright, what can I get you then?”

A tired voice reached his ears and startled him a little as he was sucked back into reality. The stale din and clamor of life fell into place around him, while he looked wearily up at the server who’s voice he heard.

“Em, yeah, better make it tea. Just black, thanks.” Julian shut his eyes, waiting for the gasp of surprise, the “oh my god”. The signal that told him he’d been recognized, that he’d met yet another one of his adoring fans. If he’d “please sign this”, if he’d “please give us a kiss”. He waited, scanning the waitress’ face for any sign of surprise, but found nothing.

“Sugar or cream?” She asked in a bored way that showed that particular phrase wasn’t an unfamiliar one to her.

“Yeah,” he responded. He noticed her annoyed expression, probably caused because he answered “yes” to a question that solicited more information than that, and couldn’t help but enjoy it. She seemed to not know who he was and was treating him like a completely regular customer. It was nice. After scribbling quickly on a notepad she held loosely in her hand, she turned without a word and began to talk to the couple the next table over. He noticed with a jolt that they were grinning at him in what he recognized all too well as looks of admiration. He braced himself for the question he thought was coming, but it didn’t. They just nodded knowingly to him, and then turned their attention to the waitress. He felt lucky. This was why he liked this place. He felt normal here.

Oxford’s Landing was a small cafe he used to enjoy coming to. Most people looked right over it, so he knew he could get away with going out in public here without being harassed. Of course that wasn’t the only reason he had a spot in his heart for the thing. It had been a place he’d gone to with Noel quite a bit, back when they were younger, full of plans to take over the entertainment world, ready to show everyone just how brilliant they were. The small place had changed a bit since then, but only just. He could probably say the same for himself. In fact, he was feeling a bit nostalgic because now, more than ten years down the line, here he was sitting nervously trying not to listen too much to other people’s conversations in the very same room where some of his best ideas had been born. And to top it all off, it was none other than Noel he was waiting for. It had been somewhere around a month and a half since they’d really seen each other, which was a moderately long stretch for them. Noel had rung him, proposed that they go for tea and catch up. Julian hadn’t wanted to do it at home, too cautious of conversations that might arise that he didn’t want others overhearing. Even more so, however, he was avoiding Noel’s place. Best keep the meeting in a controlled environment, he rationalized to himself. That way nothing could go wrong. He just wanted to see him, talk to his best friend again like normal and maybe plan a little for all the work they had ahead of them with a major motion picture in the works. He was nervous as hell though, because of what had unfolded between them a short while ago. He hadn’t been ready to talk to Noel before this and was full of apprehension as to how Noel would treat him.

Julian suddenly became aware of how rigidly he was sitting, all nerves and tense muscles. He sighed and slid a little further into his seat, willing his body to relax. He scanned the street a while, peering through the dirty windows looking for the raven hair, the familiar pointy features, the ridiculous swagger. He didn’t have to look long. He felt a smile spread across his tired face as the younger man walked through the doorway and searched for him, his brow knitted in concentration. When his eyes landed on him, his features softened, and he quickly strode across the room and sunk into the seat facing Julian. Now that he was closer, he could see that even though his expression was a happy one, he didn’t look well.

“Alright?” He said with a grin.

“Yeah, you?” Julian’s heart was beating strongly enough to jostle his shirt slightly, and he tried his best to calm it down.

“Of course I’m brilliant,” Noel replied with a small, forced smile, one that made Julian suspect he was lying. Of course, Julian didn’t expect him to be acting like his normal self. A short silence followed, one that was half natural, half awkward. It made Julian’s insides squirm. They had known each other for so many years, yet whenever they saw each other after an absence, it was always like this. Sort of fake and shallow feeling. But things always fell back into place after a bit. Julian longed for that familiarity, but this time he didn’t know if it would come. Not after what they had done. Not knowing what to say to Noel was killing him. All he could do was look down at his lap and twiddle his thumbs while Noel waved over someone so he could get a cup of tea. This time it was a different waitress. Julian realised from Noel cursing under his breath, that this one wasn’t as oblivious as the first.

“Oh my God. Noel Fielding!” She then glanced over at Julian, who nodded in acknowledgment.“And Julian….you’re here too! You guys are brilliant, love your stuff, I’m such a huge fan! Really!” The words spilled out of her mouth, running over each other to reach their ears. She was screaming inside, they could tell, but she was doing her best to keep it hidden. She shook her head as if coming out of a fog and blushed crimson as she looked down at her notepad. “I’m so sorry. Uh…what can I get you?”

“I’ll have tea as well, but make mine Earl Grey?” Noel grinned cheekily up at her. Julian stared at him in awe. After all of these years, after all the women who had fallen over him, he still never got tired of soaking up all of the attention. And Julian never stopped getting a little jealous. He glanced back up to the woman’s face. She was looking at him with a strangely happy expression, but one that he had seen many times before. She held his gaze for a few seconds, and then rushed off to tend to Noel’s tea personally.

“Christ, things have changed a little since we started coming here huh? Remember that old hag that used to work here, what was her name? Janis or something? I’m pretty sure she hated me. Glared at me all the time remember Julian? Well foul.” He used his hands as he spoke. “I come back a few years later, they’ll give me a Tibetan monk wearing a kilt if I ask for it.” Noel gazed at a spot just above Julian’s head with a smile on his face.

“Yeah, but she didn’t even ask you if you wanted sugar or cream.” Julian mumbled.

“Hmm?” Noel met Julian’s eyes.

“Oh nothing. The ladies have just come around Noel, finally seen I’m the handsome one.” Inside Julian was scolding himself. He always reminded himself of Howard when he was nervous.

“But you’ve always been the handsome one Ju,” Noel replied, though when Julian looked at him, he couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. Noel didn’t betray any emotion. He simply lifted his hand absently to his hair and ruffled it. Julian thought quickly, trying to think of how to change the subject.

“So did you talk to Barry about the script?” Julian rushed.

Noel heaved a sigh and leaned forward to rest his chin on his hand. “Yeah, I talked to him, but not about the script. I’ll get around to it, I promise. Just relax okay? I’ll get it done.”

It wasn’t that Noel didn’t want to get the movie going, he was just tired of Julian giving him errands to run. They wouldn’t ever write together anymore. It was always his phone going off, and Julian on the other end asking him to do things, but funnily enough they never involved Julian and Noel actually seeing each other. Noel knew what he was doing. Julian never could handle talking things out. He would always deny there was something to talk out in the first place. But there was this time. Last time they had been alone together, things happened that needed to be talked about. Noel wouldn’t let them be forgotten. He couldn’t help feeling a little depressed though, he’d wanted to talk to Julian about it ever since it happened, but whenever he’d rung, Julian didn’t pick up.

“Okay, okay. Sorry, I just don’t want you to forget.” Julian paused before he spoke again. “Noel, how are you really?” Noel looked straight into his eyes but didn’t say a word. He looked sort of sad. They sat there staring at each other for a moment, flashes of their last meeting clearly on both of their minds. Both of them looked a bit bewildered when the waitress returned and placed Noel’s tea in front of him, snapping them both out of the small moment they’d been having. She made a strange noise, somewhat like a yelp, blushed, and hurried off again. It seemed to shock them both back into reality.

Noel quickly wiped the sadness off his face, and the unworried air he usually had about him returned in a flash. “I told you I’m good Julian. I am, really. I mean, I’m trying to work things out, yeah?” Now it was Noel’s turn to change the subject.

“So I was thinking about this new character, probably one we are going to put into the Arctic? I don’t have a name for him yet, but think Christopher Walken as a frigid hopped up lemur. What do you think? I see him liking shoes. Maybe he’ll steal them from people? I mean I definitely see him as a shady character. I reckon I could play him in the movie easily enough.” Noel looked off into space. “Mmm…no. Maybe Mike.” Noel adopted a rough, high pitched voice, one that sounded a little maniacal. “Give me your shoes or I shall steal all your wives and knitting needles!” He waved his hands in the air, clamping his fingers like pincers. “Maybe that could be his sound. I don’t know yet. Julian, what do you think?”

Julian couldn’t help but chuckle. Noel’s wild imagination hadn’t changed a bit in all these years he’d known him. Under all that black hair and the tight clothes, Noel was the same man who’d walked up to Julian after a gig and told him they should consider writing together. “I think it sounds great.” Julian absentmindedly ran his fingers over his mustache while he smiled.

Noel’s eyes brightened, and Julian could tell that he was sincerely happy this time. “Really? Good, because I sketched him out last night. You want to come back to my flat? I can show you what he looks like. I wanted to change his outfit though. You could help me on that. It’s a little too Boy George right now. But not “do you really want to hurt me?” Boy George. “I’m going to hire a male escort, beat him and get myself sent to prison” Boy George. I need you to help me tone it down. You could…”

“Noel,” Julian said in a quiet voice, and Noel stopped talking abruptly. “Can’t you bring it to me sometime later, like next time we meet up with Barry? I don’t think going to your apartment is the best thing for us right now.”

Noel sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, his eyes betraying the hurt he felt. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what it means. I don’t want a repeat of last time,” Julian said with a growing discomfort in his gut.

“I knew it. I knew it. I kept fucking calling you and you wouldn’t pick up. I told myself it was because you were busy or something, even though I knew it was because you regretted it and you didn’t want to see me,” Noel said, in a rush. He looked a mix between crushed and livid, and it was making him screw his face up like he was watching a particularly gruesome film.

“Noel, I was fucking pissed out of my mind. And you know I had been stressed at home, I just lost it for a night. Why can’t you just accept it and move on? I can’t afford to do this.”

“Julian, we’re not fucking children. We can deal with this.” Noel was growing more upset by the second, and Julian immediately regretted having said what he did. “You can’t treat me like an easily upset wife. You can’t pretend it never happened.”

“I’m not pretending it never happened. I just know that it’s not going to work. It was my mistake. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was wrong. It was disrespectful towards Julia, the kids, and you. I’m sorry I let it go that far.” The words left him sounding dull and premeditated.

“This has nothing to do with Julia or your fucking kids,” Noel spat, knowing full well that this did involve them. “I was here before them. We were here before them.”

“Noel!” Julian began, but Noel cut him off.

“Julian, last time we were together you fucked me. And it wasn’t a mistake. You finally told me you loved me and that you needed me. And you meant it. Fuck, Julian! Why can’t you remember how you felt then!? When it was us, not them. Just forget them.” Noel looked intently into the older man’s eyes and adopted a gentler tone. “Julian….I need you.”

“Christ, Noel. Do we need to talk about this right now!?” Julian cursed how much he was affected by Noel saying things like that and cursed Noel for knowing what it did to him. Julian looked around nervously and leaned in closer to Noel. “Why can’t we talk about this later? People are watching us here.”

“We can’t talk about it in private because you refuse to be alone with me. You think I can’t handle being in your presence. You think I can’t handle you? Well Julian, I have had one hell of a time dealing with your rejections all these years, and I am not about to quit dealing with them now. You know how I feel. And deep down you know how you do. We need to talk about this. And either we’re going to talk about it alone at my flat, or we’re going to talk right here with all these people watching,” Noel retorted.

“For fuck’s sake. Fine, but we’re going to my place, not yours.”

********

Luckily, Julian’s flat wasn’t far from Oxford’s Landing Cafe, and they arrived in a few minutes. Julian was careful closing the door and had a hushed manner about him as he entered behind Noel, even though no one was home. Julia had an interview for a short comedy film she was interested in working on, and she had dropped the kids off with Leanne, a family friend. They’d be back sometime soon, but the house was empty for now. Noel watched his muted and slow movements, thinking about how Julian had begun the habit shortly after his sons had been born. Be quiet, don’t wake the kids. Even though they were getting older and wouldn’t wake up to cry, Julian had learned to be quiet at home, even subconsciously. Noel couldn’t help but feel a rush of affection for Julian, and in turn, a sick pang of jealousy. He was so caring toward those kids. Noel missed being first in his life. So fucking much. Noel walked without hesitation into the kitchen. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t been there before. However, he hadn’t been there much since Julian’s kids turned two and Julia moved in. Ever since then, it was a different atmosphere, and Julian changed when he was with them. More refined, and even softer spoken then he already was.

Noel heard footsteps behind him and turned to see that Julian had followed him into the kitchen and was putting his keys in a small dish on the counter. He wasn’t looking at him. He was looking everywhere but him actually. Noel didn’t know how to start, so he waited for Julian to begin the conversation, which he worried might take a while. His guess was confirmed when Julian pulled out a fag and excused himself onto the balcony. The way he brought it to his mouth told Noel he was stressed. He’d seen him do it like that so many times before, at parties where he was uncomfortable and before the interviews and live shows. But never for him. Never because of him. He was obviously not looking forward to what awaited him inside.

Ten minutes later Noel heard Julian walk in, and the lingering smell of cigarettes wafted in with him. He watched him closely as he sat down at the kitchen table and massaged his forehead with his hands. He took a deep breath. Noel watched him, trying to figure out what exactly it was that made him so beautiful.

“Alright, before you say anything just listen to me,” Noel started. “Do you remember when we were still really young, back when we were just getting to know each other? We were in that pub in Dalston, and that guy called me a cunt and fucking groped me? Do you remember what you did? You got us kicked out because you punched him in the face when he wouldn’t back off. It’s like…you’ve always sort of protected me in a way no one else ever has. I mean, I don’t need protecting now but I was mental then and didn’t know when to quit, and you always helped me through everything. And the first time I told you I loved you I was drunk, but that didn’t mean it was a lie, and you knew it too. You’ve always known it. That had to be…fuck, seven years ago? I’ve waited this long for you, loving you more every day even though you kept telling me no, because I didn’t care. And I still don’t care. I’m going to love you no matter what. You’ve saved me too many times for me to let you go, and in more ways than one. I know you regret telling me you loved me, and I know you probably regret fucking me too. But when you finally said it to me, you meant it Julian. I’d bet my life that you meant it.” Julian sat there and listened. Inside he was being ripped apart by the words, but he was doing his best to remain calm.

“Noel, look. I know how you feel and I know what I said, and I’m sorry. I just can’t do it.” Julian said the words, but anyone could see that he didn’t really want to believe them. He stared down at the table, his eyes looking tired.

“You can’t do it? We can’t do this? What, we can’t be how we’ve always been? You’re not married, and neither am I. What’s stopping us?” Noel’s eyebrows were knitted together like he was in physical pain, and he bit down on his lip nervously.

“I think you’re forgetting I have Julia and the kids.” His voice was getting quieter.

“Fuck Julia! You know how long I’ve waited for you? You’ve always known how I felt. And I’ve waited year after year for you to be ready. Because I know you feel the same way. That’s the difference, Ju. I know who you are, inside and out. Julia won’t ever understand that like I do.” Noel was getting closer to him.

Julian sighed. He knew he should’ve been a little angry at Noel talking about Julia like he was, but he was used to the animosity he had toward her. Of course, he was lovely when she was around. You had to hand it to him, Noel was extremely talented at putting faces on. But Julian knew him in a way no one else did. He could see the tense way he moved when he was around her, and how he laughed at her jokes a little more than necessary. When she wasn’t there Noel was more obvious, getting openly upset when he was stood up because of her. And of course, last time they were together, Noel had revealed he had dyed his hair blonde, childishly, just to be a little more like the woman Julian was spending so much time with. Julian looked up to see Noel was looking back at him with a desperate expression. He didn’t look weak though. In fact, all of the softness he usually had about him was almost gone. It finally dawned on him that Noel had probably been drinking earlier that day. He didn’t know why he hadn’t noticed it earlier.

“I just can’t do it! Noel! I have two kids. What do you think is going to happen to them? Do you think that I’m just going to up and leave to be with you and subject them to all the shit that comes with that? And Julia? She depends on me. She can’t raise them by herself. And contrary to what you think I should feel, I love her. I know what happened between us. And, well…I don’t think it should’ve.” Saying the words and then seeing Noel’s face, the way his eyes went vacant, completely dull, just about killed him.

“Does that mean you don’t love me then?” Responded Noel in a low voice.

“That’s not what I said.” Julian felt emotional. But he knew he couldn’t let Noel see how much pain he was in. It would only make the situation worse. There was no denying the attraction that had been there. It was there when they first met, and it was there now.

“Then say it! Tell me that you love me. You didn’t have a problem saying it a few weeks ago!”

“No, I can’t.”

“Listen to me. Listen to me!!” Noel yelled. “I love you. Julian, I LOVE you. It’s not hard to say, because I mean it, and you know I do. Please.” His voice softened. “Julian, say it.” Noel moved closer, dropped to his knees and looked up, making it impossible for Julian to avert his eyes. He begged him silently, placing one hand on Julian’s knee and gently squeezing Julian’s hand with the other. The older man just looked at him, pain creeping through his features like smoke. The silence grew, both not breathing, Noel waiting with wide eyes. There were no words for how unbearably hard it was for Julian to say what he said next.

“I was drunk, and I lied. I can’t tell you I love you, because I don’t.”

“Fuck.” Noel’s voice hitched, and he looked up at the ceiling as if he was blinking tears away, even though there were none there. He rose to his feet and backed away. “If you’re….” He choked and stuttered as if he was sobbing, but there were no tears in his eyes. “If you’re still choosing her, then you need to tell her what happened.”

“No. She doesn’t need to know.” All Julian wanted to do was reach out and hold Noel and tell him it was going to be okay, that what he just said was a lie. That he did love him.

“Yes. She does, and if you aren’t going to tell her…..” He held his hands to his face, covering his eyes. He took a deep breath and let his arms fall to his sides limply. His voice took on a resolute tone. “Then I will.” He began to pace around the room, eyes jumping from place to place like a frightened animal trapped in a cage. He cursed under his breath.

Julian’s body was filling with a sick pressure. It hurt him so much to see Noel like this. Because in all honestly, when he told him that he loved him after they’d had sex, he meant it. He meant it with all of his heart, but he was telling himself that what was best was to stay there for his kids. However, as the seconds pressed on and he watched the man he loved frantically moving around his kitchen, his happy exterior stripped down. He was going nearly mad, dealing with his life crashing around him. Julian’s willpower was starting to crumble, and he began to let himself feel for Noel in the way he had wanted to ever since they had parted last time.

Noel was still pacing, his boots clicking madly on the wood floor. He was biting angrily at his nails, and violently twisting a belt loop in his jeans with the other hand. Julian realised with a jolt that he was on the verge of a mental breakdown. And when Noel had mental breakdowns, they didn’t end well. The sound of a child’s voice, muffled by a door, snapped them both out of the thoughts they were lost in. It meant the family was home.

Noel looked at Julian quickly, eyes full of fire and a bit of hysteria. “Right, I’m telling her then.” He turned on his heel and strode out to meet Julia at the door.

********

‘Shit. Noel, no! “His voice rose, and he felt a dark power jump up in him. “Don’t do that. I fucking mean it.” He was scared. Julia was always suspicious of Noel’s and his relationship. In fact, it had always been a sore issue between them. He’d assured her there was nothing there, but she could tell. Noel made her jealous in a way that even other women didn’t. Julian had asked Noel to tone it down, keep things completely innocent when she was around, but he sometimes seemed to not care who saw him. A hand on his leg, an arm around his waist. A new emotion was beginning to pulse through Julian. Anger. Why did Noel have to ruin everything? He had worked SO hard to make a life for himself. A regular family. The kids, the house, Julia. And what would this mean for The Mighty Boosh? And there Noel was, about to shatter it all with a few words. Julian couldn’t believe he was going to be so selfish. And what the fuck was wrong with him? He loathed himself for loving Noel. He had tried to stifle the feelings for so long, and his efforts were beginning to fall apart now?

“NOEL! Stop!” He had jumped up to go after him and saw Julia closing the door with her foot, just as he rounded the corner. Arthur and Walter were standing at her side. Noel was walking purposefully toward them.

“Oh! Noel, uh, hi. What are you…?” she trailed off when she saw his face clearly. His expression was desperate and serious as death.

He walked up to her, took her hands in his. “Julia, I have something to tell you. Julian and I…” His words were cut short. He felt a strong hand on his shoulder that violently whipped him around. He found himself looking at Julian.

“I said no. Get out. Don’t say a word,” Julian growled, bristling with anger.

“Don’t touch me.” Noel tried to shake off Julian’s grasp on him, but it was too firm. He grabbed hold of Julian’s arm and flung it away, turning toward Julia, who was looking completely bewildered. Julian lunged forward and caught Noel’s shirt and tried to pull him back. The contact finally set Noel off. He spun around, and punched Julian in the jaw as hard as he could. The force sent Julian reeling backward.

“Oh fuck,” Noel whispered. Immediately after he did it, he regretted it. He was shocked at himself for lashing out like that. He’d never hit Julian in his life and never thought the day would come. But the emotions filling his head and the alcohol in his blood were raising his anger level to a place it wouldn’t normally be. He saw too late that his actions would hurt more than one person present.

Arthur had wandered behind Julian’s legs during the argument, and Noel watched as Julian fell backward, right on top of his son. The child looked surprised at first, and then began to cry in pain. Julian scrambled madly to get off of him as Julia screamed and rushed over to pick him up. She rose and spun around to face, them holding the crying kid in her arms.

“Oh my god! What the hell is wrong with you two!?” Julia yelled, but no one was listening. Julian had looked from Arthur, who already had a bruise forming on his forehead, to Noel with nothing but hate in his eyes. Noel tried to brace himself, but alcohol and emotion were making his mind foggy. He wasn’t quick enough. Fueled by stress, anger and fear, Julian flung himself at Noel, grabbed his throat and pushed him up against the wall. Initially he only planned to hold him there, but a wild fury seemed to take over him. Fury at Noel, for risking the demise of his perfect make believe life and for hurting his son, fury at Julia for being a wall keeping him from Noel, fury at himself for being so weak. Loving this man so much. He squeezed his hands tight over Noel’s airway, causing him to splutter and attempt to rip Julian’s hands away.

“You piece of shit. Don’t ever fucking hurt my family. They’re something you know nothing about. You think you can ruin me and Julia and get away with it? You think you can prance around doing whatever you please and not pay for it? Huh? I am fucking tired of you, demanding I drop everything for you. You know how hard it is for me to tell you no. And I’ve worked so fucking hard to resist you. Does that not matter to you? My happiness?” His tone was condescending and sharp as knives. Anger pulsed through him, and he struck Noel sharply across the face.

He didn’t know where this was coming from. He never thought he could hurt Noel this way. He’d hit Noel when they had had sex, but Noel had wanted that. He didn’t want this. Julian despised the man in front of him, but at the same time he had finally let himself realise how much he needed him. At the moment, however, rage was making it impossible to do anything but hurt. He felt Noel’s throat under the skin.

“You want me to ignore everything besides your happiness? Tell you I feel nothing for you, so it’s easier for you? Break it off nice and clean so as not to leave you hanging? Even though it fucking kills me?! You mean nothing to me. Is that what you want to hear?” Julian’s other arm was pressed up against Noel’s chest and he could imagine the lungs writhing inside, desperate for air. Noel’s knees gave out his lithe body fell to the floor with a thud. Julian followed him to the ground, straddling him and placing his elbow sharply on his chest while his other hand still crushed his windpipe. He was silent then, just staring into his eyes, studying the wild panic in them. Noel’s hands fumbled weakly with Julian’s shirt. Julian had one last surge of anger. Anger at Noel for disregarding his son’s safety, and anger because of love he wished he didn’t have. He threw weight into his arm, slamming his elbow into Noel’s sternum to make a point.

An agonized sounding moan escaped Noel, and he began to splutter. Tears were coming out the corners of his eyes trailing down the sides of his face. Julian didn’t know from what. Hurt, panic, or the fact he couldn’t breath, he really didn’t know.

“Ju….” Noel whimpered, his eyes full of nothing but fear.

“Don’t pretend like you don’t like this you sick fuck. You probably dream about me doing this to you” Julian spat at him. Noel weakly attempted to shake his head no.

His skin was deathly white, and his lips were just beginning to turn a darker purple. Sweat had plastered his soft hair to his face. Julian’s eyes swept over him, taking in everything. The sweat glinting over the perfect skin, the frantic pulse in Noel’s neck. His elbow left Noel’s chest and Julian dragged his hand slowly over the younger man’s torso, feeling the firm contours of his body, feeling it shake and spasm as the hungry lungs violently tried to cope with the suffocation. Julian was completely lost in the moment. He didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. And he didn’t fully realise exactly who he was doing it to. Everything seemed to be going unimaginably slow. He looked up at Julia, who was standing in the corner with Arthur and Walter looking terrified, ripped between the urge to try and stop Julian and to call the police. His gaze fell back down to Noel, who was beginning to stop struggling. A small bead of deep red liquid was emerging from Noel’s nose. Julian suddenly he realised what he was doing.

A feeling of utter sickness spread all through his body. He felt the blood inside his head throb. He let Noel go and rose up off of him with a gasp, almost as if the ivory skin had shocked him. Julian heard Noel’s wracked desperate breaths as he sat up and tried to fill his empty lungs. He choked and coughed violently for a few seconds, his crushed windpipe not allowing air in fast enough.

“Noel, I’m….I’m so sorry. Oh God. Noel….” Julian watched as Noel gingerly held his hands to his neck. He sat there like a doll, his thin body looking crumpled and defeated, his legs bent awkwardly beneath him. Julian bent down to touch him. Just to hold him, make contact. Make everything okay. Noel let out something that sounded like a sob cut short, as he quickly pulled himself back into the corner away from Julian’s hand. He stumbled as he tried to get onto his feet. He succeeded only after using the wall for support, scraping his hands on it wildly.

“Don’t,” he choked out in a hoarse whisper. He tried to say more but stopped and clutched his hands to his throat, his face screwed up in pain. He looked tired, frail, and frightened. Julian didn’t even think of not obeying. He backed away from Noel. All he wanted to do was hold him and tell him he was sorry, that even though he couldn’t explain what just happened he did love him.

“Noel, I…God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it,” Julian pleaded.

Without a word, Noel looked from Julia who still stood huddled in the corner with Arthur, back to Julian. No words could sum up the hurt that Julian saw in Noel’s eyes. His lips moved as if he was about to say something, but he didn’t. Instead he fumbled for the door and walked out, shutting it quietly behind him.

********

Julian slowly turned to face Julia. She was looking at him with an expression he couldn’t quite put his finger on. It was a dramatic one though, that was for certain. Julian walked into the living room and sank into a chair, not trusting his legs to hold him. The only thing he wanted was to melt into the seat. He felt like shit, and he wasn’t in the mood to talk to Julia right now. He knew he owed her an explanation, but he didn’t want to give it to her. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back onto the chair. Against his will his nose started to become difficult to breath out of, and he felt hot tears threatening to break out from underneath his eyelids. He struggled to keep his voice calm.

“Is Arthur okay?” The boy had stopped crying and was now just sniffling quietly.

“Yes. He’s got a nasty bruise, but he’s fine.” This made Julian feel even worse. A bruise? Just a fucking bruise, and he’d nearly murdered his best friend for it? Still, Julian was relieved that Arthur was alright.

“Good” was all he could manage. The word slipped out of him in a whisper.

Nothing but silence conquered the room for a few seconds, and then Julia spoke, much to Julian’s aggravation.

“What the fuck was that about.” It was more of a statement then a question. She just wanted it to be known that she didn’t approve of what happened. Julian didn’t answer. She asked something else, this time soliciting a response. “What was Noel going to tell me, Julian?”

He opened his eyes and looked at her, not caring if she saw that he was beginning to cry. He didn’t really care about anything anymore, besides Noel. He realised Noel had been right all along. It was him he loved. He loved him more than anyone.

“He was going to tell you that…that I slept with him. He was going to tell you I cheated on you.”

Julia closed her eyes. “Was he lying? Or did you…?”

“Oh, yeah. He wasn’t lying.” He thought it would be harder saying the words, but after what had just happened, he really didn’t have a problem telling her.

“I…how could you? What about the kids?” She seemed to regain herself. “I knew all along, and you always denied it. You swore to me there was nothing. No one else.”

Julian was feeling extremely sick to his stomach. “Can we talk about this later?” He knew he was being an absolute dick.

“No, Julian! I just saw you fight a man in my entryway, and now you’re telling me that you cheated on me? And you’re not sorry, I’m guessing? This is what you want then!?” She was getting hysterical. “Tell me Julian, do you still love me?”

“Of course I love you, Julia. But…”

“But?” She cut him off, not even thinking to put Arthur down to keep her children away from the tension. “You have TWO fucking kids. You can’t leave me.” She was holding Arthur in her hip with one arm and waving the other in the air as she spoke. Julian wasn’t the only one with tears in his eyes now. “So what, you and I are just done? You can’t be leaving me for him. You just beat the shit out of him, for Gods sake. So you’re just leaving me for nothing?”

Julian was getting annoyed now. This was NOT the time to be having this conversation. “I never said I was fucking leaving you” he shot back.

“But that’s what you had in mind isn’t it?!”

He was quiet for a minute. “That’s not the point,” he said in a low voice.

She slapped her hand to her forehead and turned around, turning back again to face him in a split second. She was smiling, but she obviously wasn’t happy. She nodded before she spoke.

“Get out of my house.” She pointed at the door with a thin finger. Julian thought about protesting, telling her that they could talk about this later when he was calmer and not obsessed with thoughts of Noel, or maybe tell her that this wasn’t her flat anyway. But he knew it would end the same way regardless. Even if he did decide to stay, she wouldn’t ever trust him again. And she wouldn’t approve of him spending any time with Noel. If Noel ever wanted to see him again that is. The thought sent a new wave of sickness through his body. He didn’t think he’d be able to work it out with her, but he decided to wait until he calmed down to think about it. He didn’t want to talk to her right now anyway. He shakily stood up and walked over to her, keeping his eyes on her as he leaned down and kissed Arthur’s head, then Walter’s. They seemed to almost understand the situation, because they were both silent. He straightened to look at her but didn’t say anything. She raised her hand as if to slap him but couldn’t. Instead she let herself lean back against the wall, and she slowly slid down it until she was crying on the floor, nuzzling her head into Arthur’s soft hair.

“I’m sorry. I really am,” Julian whispered, and he meant it. She didn’t say anything, so he turned to walk out. When he was outside, he heard her yell after him.

“I got the fucking part you bastard! Aren’t you happy?”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath but didn’t stop walking.. He looked down at his feet as he stepped, feeling like the biggest prick in the world. Julia was right. He was a bastard. Suddenly he stopped because of something he saw on the pavement. The sun was beginning to set, but there was no mistaking what it was. It was a pool of sick. Julian’s gut clenched painfully. It wasn’t common to find something like that on his street. There was a good chance it was Noel’s.

“Shit.” He cursed at himself. He picked up his pace as he was flooded with worry for Noel, cringing as he remembered the sickening crack that he’d heard beneath him when he’d thrown all his weight into his chest. It was flashing through his mind all over again. The wild panic in Noel’s eyes, his hands weakly fumbling at Julian’s shirt, completely defenseless. Looking back on it now, it struck Julian as odd how easily he’d been able to take Noel to the ground. Even with the feminine exterior, he knew Noel had power in him. He didn’t use it though. Not to get away from Julian. He was vaguely aware that he was lighting a fag, sucking in the smoke like he would die if he didn’t. He took a long drag, holding it in for a while and then slowly letting it out through his nose, something he didn’t usually do. He watched the smoke drift away into the darkening sky. He wasn’t too concerned about Julia right now. They’d been growing apart for a while. She would be fine, and he knew she wouldn’t keep his kids from him. She didn’t work that way.

After a few minutes, the bitter smoke seemed to calm him down a bit, and he realised that he hadn’t really thought about where he was walking to but that he’d been walking all along. He reprimanded himself for not getting his keys before he left. Now he’d have to call someone. But who? He remembered that he probably looked alarming, with a strong punch to the jaw. He didn’t trust anyone to keep it quiet, to not betray him to the press, and the public did not need to know about this. There were only a few people he would generally trust, but none of them would work. Dave was out of town working with Rich, helping him with his Eleanor the Tour Whore project, so that voted out Rich too. He would call Mike, but he didn’t want Mike knowing what had happened. He had friends outside the Boosh of course, but he knew none of them would understand this. At least the others new about him and Noel. The last person he trusted fully to not betray him was Dee, but, he hadn’t really talked to her much since her and Noel had fallen out. He didn’t have much of a choice though. What else was he going to do? Flag down a stranger? Julian Barratt, wandering around at night with a bloodied face, asking to be taken who knows where? He pulled out his phone and dialed Dee’s number, nervously chewing on his lip as he did so.

He swore when she didn’t answer and had no choice but to leave a message. “Hey Dee, it’s Julian. Hi, I em….I’ve fallen into a bit of a fucked up position, something to do with Noel. I’d rather talk about it in person…. I feel really terrible asking you this, but I need a ride to a hotel or something. Um, if you get this message, call me back.” He paused, then added, “Please.”

He let it record silence for a few more seconds, hung up, and looked around trying to remember where the nearest hotel was. He pulled out another fag and lit it, waiting anxiously for his phone to vibrate. What was he going to do if she didn’t call back? He did have money and a phone on him. He’d just have to walk into the nearest hotel and hope that no one there would recognize him. It was a terrible plan. He began to panic, walking back and forth on the sidewalk, willing Dee to call back. He took a drag and closed his eyes, imagining the smoke was magically stripping him of his identity as it filled him, turning him into an unknown someone who was just out for a walk. Someone who worked a dead end job and hated it. He longed for that more than anything right now. He exhaled and was a little disappointed when he didn’t feel any change in him. He looked down at his hands. He wanted to throw them away from him, disconnect them from his body. He felt dirty, because he knew what those hands done. He sat down, leaning against a car parked next to the sidewalk. He didn’t know who’s. He finished his fag in complete silence, not even moving other than to bring it to his mouth and then away again. He was contemplating starting a third when his phone vibrated. He almost laughed because he was so relieved. Thankfully it was Dee too, not someone else.

“Hello?” Julian said eagerly into the phone.

“Julian, what’s going on? I just picked up Noel. He called me because he’s been roughed up a bit. He’s not making any sense. I think he’s delusional. Did he take something at a party or what? He says you were the one who did it to him, but I think he’s just messed up…” Dee’s voice was filled with concern.

“No…he’s telling the truth. He’s not high. Maybe a little bit drunk, but not enough to mean anything. It was me. I did that to him. How is he?” Julian responded quietly, his heart beating so forcefully he could feel it in his stomach.

“Oh God….” Dee didn’t say anything for a few seconds. “Julian. What’s wrong?”

“I…I dunno. I lost it. Noel was trying to get me to leave Julia, and he threatened to tell her that we…,” Julian trailed off.

“You fucked him didn’t you?” Dee said, not angry, not reproachful. Just as a fact.

“Well….yeah,” Julian admitted, knowing that this wouldn’t bother her. She knew how they were. She’d always been so tolerant of Noel’s and his relationship. Julian realised how much he missed her. “Anyway, he hit me and accidentally hurt Arthur, and I don’t know. I just snapped.” He heard her exhale through the phone.

“Okay well, Noel’s in the shower now. I don’t want to leave him. You messed him up pretty bad. You can see the mark from your hand around his throat, Julian.” He felt the sick feeling returning at her words. “He hasn’t said much, but I think that’s because it hurts him to talk.”

“Fuck. Yeah, stay with him till he’s out at least. I don’t want him drowning.”

Dee laughed dryly into the phone, but no humor was behind it. “You just tried to kill him. Why the concern now?”

“You know I wouldn’t. I don’t know what came over me. Dee, you know me. I love him. I just want to tell him I’m sorry.” Julian felt so vulnerable. He hated it.

“Yeah, I know Ju. I know. I figured.” Dee was good at reading people. She always knew what their intentions were. “I’ll call you back in a few minutes when he’s done and I know he’s not going to start coughing up blood or pass out or anything. I promise.”

“Alright….I’ll be here,” Julian answered, before adding, “Oh, and Dee? Thanks so much. You’re a fucking lifesaver.”

He could hear a smile in her voice before she hung up. “I know.”

He waited for about fifteen more minutes, just walking the streets trying to sort out what exactly had just happened before Dee called back. She told him that Noel was doing alright. He was sleeping at her place just to be safe. She would be down to pick Julian up. He decided to walk back to his house so it would be easier for her to find him, and thankfully, by the time he got there, since he had wandered quite a distance away, he didn’t have to hang around for too long, before Dee pulled up beside him. He was glad. He didn’t want Julia knowing he had returned.

He slid into the seat next to her and gave her a weak smile, muttering his thanks as he closed the door. It really was great seeing her again, and she looked well too. It made Julian happy to be there with her again like old times. Neither talked for a bit. Both of them didn’t want to think about why they were in the situation they were in. Dee finally snapped Julian out of his thoughts.

“He doesn’t want to see you,” she said softly, staring at the road.

Julian had figured as much, but it still hurt to hear.

When Julian didn’t say anything, she continued. “You can’t come to my place, because, like I said, he’s staying there tonight. I mean, I would let you stay, but it’s not going to work this time.” Julian couldn’t help being touched by the loyalty she still had toward Noel. There was something in her tone though. You could tell she was upset. She’d been betrayed by Noel, and a big part of her still hated him for it. “I can take you to a hotel, though. I know one that you can stay at. Sue’s aunt and uncle own it. They’ll give you a room without a fuss. And it’s late anyway. Not as many people will be out to see you.” Julian remembered his face. He flipped down the mirror to see himself. A gruesome bruise was covering his chin on the right side, and a nasty cut was there too.

“Noel and his fucking rings…,” Julian muttered, but felt bad afterward considering he’d done worse to him.

“Yeah, such a ponce. He even used my hairspray before he came out of the bathroom. Can you believe it? I reckon he’d fuss about his image even if you had a gun to his head.” Dee laughed, and Julian was thankful. He always made situations easier to go through. She switched on the radio for the remainder of the journey, not asking questions or demanding Julian explain anything to her. She didn’t even expect him to talk. She just drove and tapped her fingers on the steering wheel, lost in the music as if nothing strange had happened that night.

When they finally got there, Julian was a little let down to see the hotel was in fact in the city, and there were people around. He prepared himself as she came to a stop outside. He really didn’t want anyone seeing him like this.

“I wish I had a ski mask or something…,” Julian muttered.

“I don’t think so. You wouldn’t want to be picked up by the police would you? Then again, that would be the perfect ending to this night.” She smiled. “Hey Ju, good luck. Call me in the morning if you need to, and don’t beat the shit out of anyone else tonight, yeah?”

“Oh God, thank you so much Dee. I owe you.” Julian felt so indebted to her. He remembered suddenly something he needed to tell her. “Um, before I go, earlier, when Noel and I were fighting…I mean…I was really out of it. I really think you should watch him or take him to the hospital or something. Just to be safe.” He felt stupid asking her this. It was like he had made this huge mess, and he was telling her to fix it all when they weren’t even talking regularly anymore.

She looked at him from under a blonde fringe. “I will. I’ll take care of him. Now get some rest, and try to calm down.”

“Tell him I’m sorry, yeah?” Julian said as he opened the door.

“Sure thing. Cheers, Julian,” she said. She gave him a reassuring smile as he got out of the car and then turned and walked quickly into the lobby.

He asked for a room, and like Dee had promised, no one made a fuss about him. Not that he was famous or that he looked like some chav off the streets. They simply gave him a room, and let him be. It was small, not at all high end, and bare, but he didn’t really care. He thought he was probably going to have to be here at least a week so he better get used to it. He locked his door, lay down on his bed and was still, eventually falling into a restless sleep.

********

It was midday when Julian awoke, still in his clothes, feeling stiff and dirty. His body cracked tiredly as he slowly sat up, rubbing the side of his face. Now that it had been a few hours and he was calm, he could feel his injury fully now. It was hot and swollen and sent a throbbing ache through his face when he changed his expression. He shuffled into the bathroom and began to peel off his clothes. Nothing sounded better than a hot shower at that moment. Besides maybe a smoke. He let the water run over him, turning the dial as hot as it could go without burning his skin. He breathed the warm steam deep into his lungs and relished how good it felt.

He felt better afterward and wanted to go out and do something, but decided that his face wouldn’t permit him. He didn’t want pictures being taken or questions being asked. Instead he contented himself to smoke, but as he was getting out a cigarette, he realised he hadn’t bothered to get a smoking room. After a few seconds of deliberation he decided he really didn’t care and lit up anyway, sitting by the window and blowing smoke through the screen. He wanted to call Dee, see how Noel was doing, but he felt like such a dick from last night that he didn’t want to bother her. He knew she’d call him back when she was ready. Even more than that though, he wanted to talk to Noel. He was worried sick about him and felt so afraid that Noel would refuse to speak to him ever again. He’d seriously fucked things up this time. Badly. Noel always forgave him when he’d disappointed him before, but this was a whole new level. Would he this time? Julian didn’t know what he’d do if that was the case. He tried not to think about it, but it was a bit hard. Noel was his consuming priority. He couldn’t just put him out of his mind.

He wasted away the hours watching telly. He called up room service for food, but other than that, he hadn’t talked to anyone that day. He was beginning to feel extremely depressed and pessimistic when Dee called.

“Oh thank God. I was beginning to go insane. How’s Noel?” Julian skipped saying hello and just rushed into the conversation.

“Well that’s why I rang. Could I come over now? I’ll only be there for a bit. I’d rather talk to you in person.” She sounded concerned. It didn’t help Julian’s nerves.

“Uh, yeah. Of course. Is Noel there? Can I talk to him? I don’t care if he just holds the phone to his ear and doesn’t say anything, I just want to speak to him. Please? I need to…”

Dee cut him off.“He’s not here Julian, I took him home a few minutes ago. Look, can I just come over?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m in room 118…I’ll uh, be here,” Julian finished lamely, immediately before he heard the line go dead.

She arrived about thirty minutes later. When Julian opened the door he saw that she didn’t look composed like she did last night. Julian stepped aside to let her in without saying a word. He was a little shocked to see her like this, after how calm and happy she had seemed not even a day ago. She slipped past him and walked inside, heading straight for the chair in the corner of the room. She sat down, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees. The way she looked, so small, her knees, elbows, and hands all joined close together, was reminiscent of Noel, and Julian felt a pang go through him. She looked up at him as she began to speak.

“I won’t be long. I just needed to say that last night I didn’t tell you everything that was on my mind because I knew you didn’t need to deal with it right then. I think you should know what happened when I picked up Noel yesterday. Now, before I start, I want you to know I don’t blame you. You fucked up, but I’m not going to patronize you. I just think you need to know about this.”

Julian slowly walked over to the bed and sat down across from her.

“He called me to come pick him up at the park down from your house. He didn’t tell me what was wrong with him, but he sounded really upset, slurring his words and barely talking above a whisper. I used to have to pick him up enough times before when he was pissed, so I didn’t question it, I just went to get him.” Julian picked at the skin on his thumb. He didn’t really want to hear what was coming next.

“He looked terrible, Julian. He was pale, and had blood and sick on his face, and his neck. Oh god, you have no idea. It was purple. You can see the hand prints. And he was just sitting in a little ball, knees all drawn up to him shaking. Julian, in all the time I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him cry like that. I had to work so hard just to get him into the car because he said it hurt when he moved. I didn’t know how bad he was hurt, and I wanted to take him to the hospital, but I didn’t because I didn’t know what had happened, and I wanted to see if he could tell me anything first. So I took him to my place.”

Julian saw an overwhelming sadness enter her eyes. He realised how much it must still hurt her to be around him and not be able to touch him. He didn’t think he could feel like any more of a git, but he did. He didn’t even think that she might miss him. And now her suffering was his fault too.

“We talked most of the night. Well, I talked at least. He’s upset, but he still loves you. I don’t think anything could make him stop loving you.” She paused and added quietly, “You’re lucky. He was even saying your name in his sleep.” She was looking past Julian now, at nothing in particular. “Anyway, I took him to the hospital this morning.” Her eyes returned to his, and she looked as if she was about to say something powerful. Julian braced himself.

“You didn’t do any real damage. You bruised his larynx slightly and gave him some nasty bruises, but they said he’ll heal just fine, and he’ll be almost back to normal before the week is out. You were really close to seriously hurting him though. You’re lucky you stopped when you did.” There weren’t any words for how Julian felt. He was so relieved he didn’t hurt him too bad, but he hated the fact that he had hurt him at all. And he hadn’t even begun to try and think about the emotional damage he had inflicted. Julian suddenly realised Dee wasn’t talking anymore, just looking at him, as he stared glassy-eyed at the wall. “I brought makeup for you,” she said, nodding at his bruised chin. “I can put it on if you like. You’ll be able to go out at least then.”

Julian nodded, and she set to work removing makeup from her bag and flourishing her brush in the air like a professional. Julian trusted her. He’d seen the things she could do with her own makeup. In a few minutes, she backed away with a satisfied look on her face.

“There you go. You look brilliant.” She smiled for the first time since she’d been there.

“Thanks, Dee. You have no idea how much you’ve helped me. I’ll pay you back someday. I swear.”

“Oh quit thanking me,” she said, a smile still tugging at her lips. “I have to go now. Sue and I are meeting in forty five minutes.” She paused, and a serious expression darkening her features. “Good luck with Noel. And Julia too.” She bent down to hug him, kissed him on the cheek and let herself out.

“Bye then!” Julian called after her, not really knowing what to say. He looked at the door blankly for a minute after she left, just thinking about Noel. He finally snapped himself out of it and reached for his phone. He’d be needing a cab. He needed to sort things out with Julia.

---

End Notes: Continue for part three

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[nextpage title=”Part 3″]
Part 3

It had been a week and a half since he’d talked to Julia. The conversation didn’t go as badly as he’d thought it would. She had calmed down a lot since he’d left and the initial shock had passed. There were a lot of tears involved, and Julian ended up holding her as she cried, which hurt him because even though she wasn’t first in his life anymore, he did still love her. Other than that she dealt with it with dignity, accepting that she couldn’t change his mind or fix the broken relationship they had. Of course the blow was probably made easier by the fact that she had been suspecting him so long and they’d been growing apart for a while. He’d picked up most of his clothes and personal possessions, keeping them in his car because he had nowhere else to put them. He had temporarily moved into his hotel room while he searched for a cheap flat he could buy before moving to another, more permanent, home. He didn’t have the heart to kick Julia out of the house after all that he’d done to her. And of course she had the kids for now, and he didn’t want to uproot them. The two of them agreed that they would sort out the deal with custody of Arthur and Walter later, once Julian had his life a little more in order.

The bruise on his face was healing quickly, and he was able to go out now and explain it away as a result of some drinking adventures gone awry, something that people readily accepted without questioning him further. He was at the point where things were starting to look up again, simply because he could see a light at the end of the tunnel. Well, all things but the most important.

Julian had called Noel on the day after the fight, not able to keep from hearing his voice, hearing that he was okay, but unfortunately Noel didn’t answer. He told himself it was because he was busy, but he knew it was because Noel didn’t want him anymore. With a humorless laugh he remembered he had done the same thing to Noel, and regretted having not answered his calls now that he knew how he’d felt.

He texted him throughout the next few days, apologizing, begging to have permission to come see him. He checked his phone constantly, even got in his car once or twice with the intention of just showing up unannounced, but he wanted to respect him. He had to slowly earn back his trust. And of course, he didn’t know what his reception would be like.

Misery was slowly consuming Julian. Even though he had worked out a plan when it came to his living arrangements and Julia was being cooperative with the split, that didn’t really matter to him. What mattered was Noel, and he hadn’t seen him or spoken to him since it happened. Julian had begun to hole himself up in his room and drink, doing nothing much outside of smoking and sleeping. He felt like shit, and he hated himself for waiting until it was possibly too late to decide that he was going to accept that he loved Noel in more ways than he ever thought he’d let himself believe. In the hours he spent alone, he thought idly about what would have happened if Julia hadn’t come back home. If Noel had just left the house, upset, but unscathed, would Julian still deny the possibility that they might just need each other? Did he need to go through the breakdown and attack just to break the barrier and realise that he could not only love him, but tell him sober?

Julian’s thoughts were falling prey to poison as he considered what he would do if Noel refused to forgive him. The younger man had turned to drugs earlier in his life to cope with pressure, and Julian was beginning to see the appeal. Not only would it numb the pain, but it reminded him of Noel. Or maybe he’d just kill himself. What was the point of living if Noel moved on? He’d lost everything for him, and he wouldn’t be able to get it back. In the end, however, he voted that one out. He was being stupid, there was no way he could be that selfish and leave his kids all alone. His life didn’t belong solely to him anymore, it belonged to them too. He was trapped in the same sick cycle for days, drifting in and out of sleep only to eat or go to the toilet. He knew he was slipping farther and farther away from reality, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was making things right with Noel, and he couldn’t do that until Noel responded to him. Luckily, he did.

Julian’s phone vibrated halfway through the eighth day, and it was a response to a text Julian had sent the day before asking if he could come see him. Noel had responded: “Alright.” That was all.

Julian shakily got ready, cleaning himself up. He was so glad that he wasn’t drunk at the moment since Noel could have easily caught him while he was, and he didn’t want to fuck things up more than they already were by showing up at his house pissed out of his mind. He drove over the speed limit most of the way there, but then slowed down when he was about to arrive, trying to delay seeing Noel and the bruises he inflicted. He’d looked forward to nothing but this moment, but now that it had come, he was terrified. He arrived in Highgate rather quickly. It wasn’t too terribly far from where he’d been staying, and sooner than he was ready for, he found himself pulling up outside Noel’s flat. He made up his mind to do whatever he could to show Noel he was sorry. He simply couldn’t leave without knowing he could have him forever. A jolt in his stomach pricked at his nerves a little when Noel’s voice came through the speaker and buzzed him up. A few minutes later he was standing outside his door feeling like he was underwater. He couldn’t hear anything but his heart beating. His hand reached out and knocked, seemingly, on it’s own accord.

Noel didn’t take long to answer. The door opened slowly to reveal the the apartment Julian had seen so many times before. And standing, holding the handle, was Noel. He was breathtakingly beautiful. Julian figured that because he had been wanting to see nothing but his face for the past week, to wipe the image of the last time he’d seen him from his mind, Noel looked even more stunning than normal, except for a shadow of a bruise around his throat.

Julian was overcome with emotion, not knowing whether to be happy to see him or to be sick because he wanted so desperately to be forgiven. He scanned Noel’s face in a panic, praying to God that it wasn’t full of anger or disgust. It wasn’t. Noel looked sad, if anything. But Julian didn’t see any negativity toward him in his eyes, and when he looked closer, he was even more relieved that the blue didn’t hold a different emotion, fear.

“Well, are you going to come in or just stare at me?” Noel said quietly. Julian let the smooth voice wash over him for a moment before he gathered himself and walked in.

“Noel..I…,” Julian began meekly, but Noel cut him off.

“You’re sorry. I know. You told me 38 fucking times over the last few days.” He didn’t seem angry though. Actually, he seemed a little pleased. He shut the door and walked over to the kitchen and poured himself a cup of tea. He looked up at Julian. “Fancy some?”

“No thanks.” Julian almost hated how polite Noel was being. He wanted him to hit him, to scream at him, do anything to pay him back for what Julian had done to him. Instead Noel just shrugged and went back to making his own tea as Julian collapsed into his dining room chair.

“Please Noel…just let me say it. I need to say it.” He looked at Noel, and Noel didn’t stop him. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for everything. I’m sorry for keeping away from you for this long. I’m sorry for telling you that when I fucked you it was a mistake. I’m sorry for refusing to tell you I love you. I’m sorry for letting it all build up and taking it out on you. When I met you all those years ago, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. And you are the most beautiful, amazing, annoying, stubborn person I’ve ever met. You make me so happy and so angry all at once, all the time, and no one else does that. I told myself when I was younger that I was just confused. I didn’t really care for you. I was just waiting for the right one to come along. And then Julia came, and after that Walter and Arthur. Don’t get me wrong. My kids mean the world to me, and Julia does too, but we’ve grown apart, and I don’t love her like I did. I feel terrible for leaving her, and I know that in the end this is all my fault, but if I hadn’t gone through that I wouldn’t have understood what I do now: the games we’ve been playing all this time, and when we slept together, how it turned into more than a game…they are done. The playing is over. I want to be with you. I don’t want to sneak around. I don’t want to deny myself any longer. I’m sorry for everything. I really am. I know you’ve loved me all this time, and I never really listened. I never let myself feel it. If you’ve decided you don’t want me anymore I would understand, because I’ve fucked up, more than fucked up. But I’m done running from it, I’ve split with Julia, and I’m moving out, and I want to be with you, because…I love you.” Julian said it so fast he wasn’t sure it had been said.

Noel looked at him intently, as if trying to see if he could detect any lie. “Are you drunk, Julian?”

“No! No, it’s nothing like that. I really mean it. I’m ready now. Like I said, if you’ll forgive what I’ve done to you, then….I want to be with you. No one else.”

Noel smiled and seemed to forget about his tea. He walked over to sit across from Julian. “You’ve finally come around then?”

“I know you don’t fully believe me, but almost losing you made me realise. Honestly. I don’t know what else I can tell you to make you understand.” Julian could tell that this answer finally satisfied him by the way he smirked.

“Well I’ll consider your answer and then let you know if I believe you in a few minutes.” Julian couldn’t believe it. He was already flirting with him. After all that he’d done. Julian was still concerned about him though.

“How are you?” Julian asked.

“Oh I’m great. Generally really loving life, you know?” Noel said sarcastically.

“You know what I meant,” Julian said, looking pointedly at Noel’s bruises. He didn’t feel comfortable saying it out loud. Noel chuckled.

“I’m feeling a lot better. My throat was a lot better after just a few days. They’ve got me on a weird diet though, only eating soft foods still so I don’t choke or do any more damage. The bruises are loads better too. They were ten times worse a couple of days ago. Once they’re gone I can quit wearing scarves out. Not that I mind scarves.” Julian was dumbstruck that he was talking about his injuries as if he’d just tripped on a stair or something.

“Noel, aren’t you…you know, angry with me?”

“I was at first. So fucking angry. I couldn’t believe that you had been such a cunt. But I’m alright now. I’ve thought about it. I always knew something like this would happen. I knew it would take something big for you to finally allow yourself to break out of the denial. I’ve known you for too long. You keep things bottled up and then you explode. I know you can’t help it. It could’ve been anyone, not just me.” Julian almost laughed he was so relieved. Noel was quick to specify.

“Don’t get me wrong. It still hurts. You did me in pretty good you bastard.”

“But why…?” Julian looked at him, feeling stupid. “Why didn’t you fight back?” The burning question overrode even his surprise at Noel being so understanding about everything, and he couldn’t help the question slipping out of him.

Noel gave a sad looking smile. “Because I wanted you close to me, even if it killed me. I didn’t know if it would be the last time.”

It broke Julian’s heart hearing that. He looked down at his knees, feeling ashamed.

Noel didn’t do anything at first, thinking it would do Julian some good to feel guilty, but after a few silent seconds, sighed and rose out of his chair. He walked up to him and lifted Julian’s chin with his hand.

“S’alright, Ju. I understand. You snapped. I forgive you.” He bent down and kissed him, a gentle kiss, barely even touching Julian’s lips to his. “I don’t care what happened, as long as you don’t decide to leave again.”

Julian was instantly aroused. He found it slightly pathetic. A rush flooded through him, and he realised how much he’d been craving Noel, ever since last time. He wanted to experience him again; his smell, his taste, his sound. Noel straightened and Julian rose to look at his face, the blue eyes, the jet hair, the pale lips, the wonderfully sharp nose and cheekbones. All his.

“But what about Lliana?” Julian remembered the woman Noel had been seeing.

“We aren’t completely exclusive….I can break it off. It doesn’t matter. Julian, none of it matters. I want you.”

Julian, forgetting Noel’s injury and getting lost in the intense urge to be near him, rose and backed him forcefully against the wall. A small gasp of pain escaped Noel’s lips. Julian stiffened immediately and pulled away, dropping his hands away from Noel’s face where he’d been holding them as if he’d been burned. Noel chuckled at the scared look in Julian’s eyes.

“You’re not going to break me. I’ve been through worse,” Noel said in a soft voice, but the way he had gasped told another story.

“I can’t hurt you anymore, Noel. I’m sorry. You’re not…,” he cringed as he said the words. “scared of me at all? We can’t do this now.” Julian started to back away.

A flash of anger played through Noel’s features. “No. I would rather that happen all over again. then for you to tell me that ‘we can’t do this’ one more time.” He said the words in a surprisingly powerful voice. He grabbed Julian’s shoulders and turned him, pushing him into the wall this time with force that made Julian gasp, not out of pain but out of pleasure. Noel placed his hands over Julian’s hipbones, pinning him to the wall, making it hard to move anywhere. “If you don’t fuck me right now, I might change my mind and chuck you.” One of Noel’s hands trailed over to the front of Julian’s jeans, and he started rubbing him through the fabric. All thoughts Julian had had about protesting vanished. Noel began to kiss him, more hungrily now. After a few seconds their lips were barely touching, just brushing over each other as their tongues slid together in between the space separating their mouths. “Do you want me now?” Noel sighed, moving down to Julian’s neck, sucking on his skin and kissing him all the way down to his collarbone.

“Yes, yes I want you,” Julian breathed.

“You promise?”

“I promise. I want you more than anything,” he whispered back. Noel smiled. Gripping the collar of Julian’s shirt, Noel guided him down the wall until he was sitting on the ground with his legs spread apart. Noel kneeled in between them, leaning on Julian’s chest as he kissed him, still rubbing him though his jeans.

“I don’t believe you,” Noel whispered with a smirk. In one fluid movement he lifted his body off of him and walked back into the kitchen, leaving Julian frustrated and half hard on the floor. Even though Julian could see plainly in his face that Noel was joking, his heart still plummeted into his stomach at the words. He didn’t even know what to say back to him. He had been stupid to think Noel would just let him off the hook without teasing him a little. Noel had always been like that, never with Dee, or girls in the pubs or on tours, but always with him. Always teasing, always just too far away to snatch and hold. In a way, Julian was happy Noel was doing this. It meant they were back to normal. But at the same time it was aggravating. He knew he wasn’t going to get Noel to finish what he started, and he’d have to go have a wank by himself now, all secretive and embarrassed like when he was a kid. From the look Noel was giving him over his cup of tea, a half smile and glinting eyes, that was exactly what Noel wanted Julian to have to do.

“You are such a tease.” Julian said. Noel smirked at him.

“I know. But if you really want me this time, you’re gonna have to prove it.” The words made Julian a little uneasy. He wondered what Noel was up to.

“Alright…what is it? You want to carve your name into my arse or something?”

Noel chuckled. “That’s actually a good idea. Maybe I’ll try that later.” He paused for a second. “Right now I want you to talk to me.” It wasn’t a tall order, but Julian had always been shit at conversations.

“You know Noel? On second thought, maybe I’d prefer the carving of my arse to this.”

“You are such a prick sometimes! But I mean it. I just want to talk with you tonight. And that’s all you’re getting out of me, so you might as well take the offer.” Julian hoped he was joking, but the half pouty, half determined look playing across his sharp features told him he was completely serious about this. There was nothing he could do at this point but resign himself to his fate.

“Oh get up off the floor, Julian. Come sit at the table. You want a cup now?” Noel asked, holding up his blue and white mug.

“Yeah, might as well,” Julian muttered as he rose and then went to sit down at the table. He couldn’t help feeling like a naughty child, having his toy taken away and then suffering through his punishment. It made him feel flustered and embarrassed. He sat there awkwardly, biting his thumb and wishing he had a cigarette. Noel was getting his tea ready, and Julian just watched him and listened to the clangs and thuds as Noel got out his cup and filled it with steaming water.

“What do you want me to talk about then?” Julian asked.

“Surprise me.”

“Can we talk about how you’re an arsehole for leading me on like that? Julian mumbled.

“Hmm?” Noel tilted his ear toward Julian.

“Nothing. You realise how bad I am at this, right?”

“Of course, but I want you to struggle through it. Keep going.”

Julian groaned.

“What are we doing?” He said, placing his elbows on the table and massaging his temples.

“What d’you mean?” Noel asked.

“I’ve left a woman I love, mother of my children, for another man who I recently beat the shit out of because I love him too goddamn much. And does that make any sense? No. Because I’m fucked. And you know what? You’re fucked for wanting me.”

Noel was watching him from across the island in the kitchen, and when Julian had finished, he brought over his cup and placed it in front of him.

“You want to know why I want you?” Noel asked, sitting down across from him. Julian just nodded.

“You knew me when I was still just a kid,” Noel started. “You’ve seen me go through everything imaginable and you never left. Everyone leaves in the end don’t they? Sometimes it was my fault, sometimes it wasn’t. But it doesn’t really matter who’s fault it was when it comes down to it. What matters is who is still there with you once you’ve fucked up. And I have. A lot.” Noel paused and smiled a little. “And here you are.”

Julian figured he was thinking about Dee, and from the despondent look in his eyes he wondered if he wasn’t completely over her. Of course it had been a while since they had split, but back when they were together Julian knew he loved her. He probably still did.

“What about Dee?” Julian said gently.

“What? Dee? What does she have to do with anything?” Noel said, looking a little confused.

“How did things go with her? She told me you stayed at her place the night we…uh….fought,” Julian ended ineptly.

“Yeah, but Julian, you know everything’s done with us now. I was with Lliana. And now I’m gonna be with you. Why are you asking about her?”

“Because you still love her,” Julian said. Noel just sighed and looked sadly at the ceiling.

“I’ll always love her. But because of what I did, what we had is gone. I didn’t want it to end that way, but it did. I mean, she was the only person I think I could’ve really been with if I couldn’t have you. But it’s in the past now.”

“Do you love Lliana?” Julian pressed.

“No, I don’t love her. I love you. Why d’you think I’ve stuck around this long waiting for you while you loved someone else?” Noel’s demeanor suddenly changed. He looked serious and a little shy. “When you said you loved me earlier, I barely heard it. You were talking too fast.” Julian could see him tense.

Julian reached for Noel’s hand that was resting in front of him on the table and squeezed it. “I love you.”

Noel relaxed a little, and after Julian gave him a minute to relish in the words, he spoke. “What are you going to tell her?” he asked.

“Lliana? I’ll just tell her what’s happened. I mean, we’ve been fighting lately and we aren’t even really together right now anyway.” Julian figured it was best not to inquire further. It was a conversation for another day.

“Well….looks like you’ve got me. I’ve got nothing more to say,” Julian said after a silence.

“Oh no you don’t. Why don’t we play twenty questions?” Noel asked, his cheerfulness returning rapidly.

“Twenty questions?!” scoffed Julian. “What are you? Ten?”

“Well, maybe not Twenty Questions like you’ve played. Just ask me twenty questions in general. You don’t need to try and guess what I’m thinking of or anything,” Noel said happily.

“Alright, um….what’s the capital of New Guinea?”

Noel scrunched up his nose and gagged dramatically. “Not questions like that! Ask me what my favourite colour is, how I like my toast in the morning. Stuff like that.”

“Feeling narcissistic tonight, are we?” Julian smirked. “I already know everything about you. Why would I ask?”

“No you don’t!” Noel said, sounding offended. “What’s my favourite colour then?”

“To wear? Or in general?” Julian asked.

“Oh, you’re good. Both.” Noel looked like a child, balanced precariously on the seat across from Julian with his knees drawn up to his chest and anticipation in his eyes.

“You wear black a lot, but your favourite colour to wear is purple because it makes you look good. And you don’t have a favourite colour, though you do like yellow. Your favourite colour would be glitter, if it was considered one, but it’s not,” Julian finished.

Noel raised his eyebrows. “That last part is a bit of a stretch, but yeah, glitter should be a colour. Alright. Tell me, how do I like my toast in the morning?”

“In the winter and autumnl you like it with Nutella, but in the spring and summer you like it with jam.”

Noel’s mouth dropped open. “How do you know that?”

“I’ve known you for a while, and you tend to chatter about insignificant things quite a bit.” Julian told him with a smirk. “You like Nutella when it’s cold outside because you like the taste most. But you don’t eat in it the summer because you don’t like your mouth getting all tacky, and everyone knows that a tacky mouth is more unbearable when it’s warm outside, and, you always put on too much Nutella. Which is why you use jam.”

“Jesus. Do you know everything?” Noel said with wide eyes.

“I have my moments,” Julian said, not being able to refrain from feeling just a little bit proud of himself. Proud for knowing how to make another man’s toast, he reminded himself. He suddenly felt a little humbled.

“So…does that mean you know about the filthy dream I had last night?” Noel asked mischievously.

“No, I can’t say that I do,” Julian responded.

Noel brought his hand up to his mouth and gasped in mock surprise. “But how could that be? You were in it!”

Julian wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he didn’t say anything. He couldn’t pretend the thought of Noel dreaming about such things involving him didn’t make him pleased, though.

“You don’t remember that?” Noel continued. “Mmm that’s a shame. As I recall you seemed to be enjoying it quite a bit.”

“Oh was I?” Julian said with a smile. “What was I doing exactly?”

Noel’s face took on a comically serious expression. “Oh I couldn’t possibly explain it in words.”

“Why don’t you show me then?”

Noel just laughed. “Ah ah ah, Julian. I said no more of that tonight. Talking only.” He was enjoying this far too much.

“Now tell me about how miserable you’ve been the past week,” Noel said with a grin.

Julian gave in and told him. For the rest of the night he told him everything he asked about. As the hours passed though, fatigue crept into Noel’s eyes and eventually he told Julian he was going to turn in for the night. Julian told him he didn’t want to leave which seemed to please Noel, who just smirked and said, “You can sleep here tonight but you’re sleeping on the sofa. I don’t want to wake up to some strange man having a wank over me.”

It didn’t make him happy, but Julian was tired and too relieved that Noel was letting him back into his life to care too much, so he agreed without arguing. It wouldn’t be that different anyway. That’s how it usually was on tours. They rarely ever slept in the same bed. The only times being the night they’d fucked each other. And the nights that they were both a little too drunk to care and Noel would creep in beside Julian in the early hours of the morning in the hotel rooms with two beds. However, when Noel was done giving him a blanket and pillow and was heading off to his room, he couldn’t help but complain a tiny bit.

“You wind me up slowly all night, and I don’t get anything at all before you go to bed?” Julian said grumpily.

Noel chuckled and ran over to him. “I guess you can have a kiss.” He stood up on his toes and kissed Julian slowly. Just before he broke away, he brushed his fingers over Julian’s newly bulging trousers. “And I give you permission to think of me tonight when you’re taking care of that.” It was the last thing he said before he turned and disappeared into the hall.

********

When Julian woke up he didn’t remember where he was for a moment, being so used to waking up with a massive hangover and suicidal thoughts. He remembered quickly however, when he saw his surroundings and felt a smile spread across his face. Stretching, he got out from under the blanket and scratched the side of his face tiredly.

He went to the toilet before he knew if Noel was up or not, which he figured from the silence in the flat that he was still sleeping. He ran his tongue over his teeth and wished unhappily that he had a toothbrush. He immediately made a mental note that he had to drive back to the hotel today and pick up some stuff to bring over. After he had the thought, he was slightly taken aback. Why did he have it in his head that he would be sleeping here again tonight?

When Julian finally finished cleaning himself up and sauntered down the hall he was surprised to discover Noel’s bed empty.

“Noel?” Julian called out tentatively. No answer. He walked over to the bed and felt Noel’s spot with his hand. It was cold. He must have been awake for a while.

“Noel, are you here?” Julian said again, loud enough to reach all areas of the flat. Again, no response. He meandered out to the kitchen hoping Noel had left a note or something for him explaining his absence. Surprisingly, when he entered he did see a key next to a white note on the counter in Noel’s messy scrawl:

Don’t worry I haven’t been kidnapped, I’ve just gone

out to sort some stuff out with this guy who’s helping

me figure out the slot I’m using for Boopus.

I’ll probably be back soon, there’s not much in the fridge

so if you’re planning on staying you’re gonna have to go out

and get something. If I’m not home by the time

you get back,

use this key. You better be missing me. X

Julian rolled his eyes and walked over to the fridge, not really wanting to go out to get anything to eat. Noel hadn’t been lying though. He really didn’t have much. He groaned and walked over to the note again. “..if you’re planning on staying…” Julian re-read the line. That had to mean Noel didn’t care if he stayed another night at least. Right? Anyway it was pretty lonely for Julian. He was so used to living with people. Home didn’t mean Julia’s voice and the sound of small feet anymore. It meant the depressing sound of the telly, which Julian had been keeping on all day, even when he wasn’t watching it just so it didn’t feel as strange.

He did his best to straighten out his clothes so he didn’t look too shabby, but it didn’t do much to get the wrinkles out of his outfit. His hair was a mess too, sticking up oddly on one side of his head. It didn’t really matter he decided. He’d just take a shower back at his room.

When he let himself out and saw his car sitting where he had parked it the night before, it seemed to hit him all over again how lucky he was that things had gone the way they had. He could almost see himself sitting there yesterday, thinking he was on his way to be told he’d gone too far this time. Now he was heading back to his room, but only to pick some of his stuff up so he could stay with Noel one night longer. The thought put a smile on his face while he drove.

Letting himself into his room, memories of the last week came back, rushing over him like cold water. His clothes were thrown everywhere and trash littered the room. He wondered how he had let himself get like this. It was easier to look back on it now and see how wrongly he had reacted. Looking at where he’d been living the last few days made him feel uneasy, and he knew he’d have to clean the room up before he left, but right now he didn’t want to think about it. He just found some of the few clean clothes he had left, stripped down, and stepped into the shower.

Twenty minutes later, Julian was out of the shower, tidying up and ruffling up his hair with a towel in an attempt to get it dry. After throwing most of the discarded clothes into a bag and filling the rubbish bin with all the trash laying around, he felt a little better. At least when he came back again, it would be clean and he wouldn’t have to think about how he had felt not knowing if he’d ever be able to hold Noel again. A mighty growl from his stomach reminded him how hungry was, so with one last sweeping glance, making sure he had cleaned up well enough, he grabbed his toothbrush and about half of his clothes. He stepped out into the hall and shut the door quietly behind him.

On his search to pick up some food he was suddenly aware of how much he missed Arthur and Walter. It had only been a few days, but it hurt not to see their happy faces every day. Looking at them always taught Julian that simplicity still prevailed in places, and whenever he held them in his arms, he felt, for those short moments, like he didn’t need to take himself so seriously.

Taking a chance, he turned the car around and headed towards his and Julia’s flat. Hopefully she wouldn’t have a problem letting him take the boys out for something to eat. He only wanted to see them for a little while, ask them how their day had been.

He felt strange knocking on the door. He had a key and he had considered using it, but it just didn’t seem appropriate. This wasn’t his home anymore. He prepared himself as he heard footsteps approaching.

Julia opened the door, her face looking blank. “What do you want?” It wasn’t snide, it wasn’t angry. Just a question.

“Um….I thought I’d take the boys out to get something to eat, maybe go to the park. I have somewhere to be after though, so it won’t be long.”

She seemed to consider not letting him for a second. He could see it in her eyes. But after a moment she stepped back to let him in. “They’re in their room playing.”

Julian felt like he should say something before he went to find them. He hoped he wasn’t taking it too far. “How are you doing?” He asked, reaching out and holding her wrist gently.

“I’m doing alright. Better than I thought I would be,” she answered.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Julian responded, and he meant it.

She pulled her hand away from him and looked into his eyes. “What’s going on with Noel?”

“We got it sorted out. He’s fine.” Julian said, not wanting to talk about Noel with her. He knew that meant entering dangerous waters.

“Oh,” she said dryly. “Well I don’t want to waste your time. Like I said, they’re in their room.”

Julian looked apologetically at her and then headed back to see his sons. He dropped down on one knee when he entered and their faces lit up.

“Daddy!” They both yelled delightedly as they ran up to him. He held the back of their warm heads as they hugged him.

“Hey! How about something to eat? Are you two hungry?” Julian asked, cracking a wide smile.

“Yeah!” They said in unison, not surprisingly. They were always hungry.

“Alright,” he said, rubbing their stomachs and making them laugh.“Let’s go fill those hungry tummy’s up.”

He held their hands as they left and helped strap them in their seat belts in the back of the car. He hadn’t noticed how much he had missed taking care of them. They argued together quietly in the backseat about who was the rightful owner of the plane that kept being grabbed out of the others’ hands. Julian just listened, trying to soak up their voices as much as he could, because he knew he wouldn’t be hearing them as often in the future. He stopped to pick up some Chinese food, and then drove them all to the park to eat. It was a cold day, but it was nice out. Once Julian had sat down and told them they could play, Arthur and Walter were running around too much to notice the temperature.

Julian thought about it, the three people he loved most in the world. Somehow he had gotten through this with all of them.

“Arthur. Walter. Come over here. You guys need to eat your food.”

They stopped running in circles and instead ran towards him. He was sitting on the grass and when Arthur tried to run by him teasingly, he caught his little stomach with his arm and pushed him gently onto his back, tickling him.

“Stop, stop!” The boy screamed through giggles.

Julian picked him up and set him upright.

“Mummy is going to be very angry with me if you don’t eat like I promised you would,” he said to the both of them. “Now be good, and eat some of this.” They sat down in front of him on the grass, folding their tiny legs underneath them just like Julian had his.

There they sat together talking, Julian telling them about how much he missed them and asking them how they were doing. He knew he probably shouldn’t push the question too much but he couldn’t help asking about Julia.

“How is mummy doing?” He said softly. Walter was munching away on some noodles, but that didn’t stop him from answering.

“Mummy’s sad,” came his little voice.

Julian knew that was the case, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear, especially from his sons who knew nothing about what was going on.

“Has she been crying a lot?” Julian pressed.

“She cries sometimes.” They were both looking at him now. Walter continued, bouncing where he sat. “I drew a picture!”

“Oh, did you? That was very nice of you,” Julian said leaning forward to zip up Arthur’s jacket. It really was starting to get cold.

“She liked it a lot!” Walter exclaimed happily.

“Did she stop being sad?” Julian asked him.

“Mhmm!” He responded proudly.

“Well you keep drawing Mummy pictures okay? And you too, Arthur. She told me she likes them a lot.”

They both nodded as if they had been given a grave task. Julian couldn’t help but chuckle at how resolute they looked. They seemed to understand Julia was going though pain, and it was going to be their goal to make her feel better. Of course, a few seconds later they were completely focused on their food again, and Julian was sure they had forgotten what he said already. He let them finish their meals and then tried to clean them up a bit. Arthur had somehow gotten noodles in his soft brown hair, but Walter had surprisingly remained fairly clean, except for his gooey fingers.

He drove them home and said goodbye, kissing them both on the cheek and telling them he’d see them soon. They clung on to him like they knew he didn’t want to leave. Julia picked Walter up and rested him on her hip. She held Arthur’s small hand in hers.

“Thanks for letting me take them out,” Julian said to her.

“Yeah,” she said in a monotone voice.

“Alright, well I better be going. Take care of yourself, Julia,” he said, before giving a big smile to his kids. “Remember what I told you about the pictures, okay?”

They smiled back.

“Okay daddy! Bye!” They waved to him as he walked away from them to his car.

Fifteen minutes later Julian was standing outside Noel’s door digging in his pocket for the key. He heard Noel’s voice behind the wood. He wondered who he would have over and if he should leave. He didn’t know where he would go though, and Noel hadn’t said anything about company so he settled on knocking. If Noel wanted him to come in then he’d answer the door. He reached out his hand and knocked a few times.

“Oh, there he his. I better go. Uh-huh, yeah. I’ll ring you later. Thanks. Tell her hello for me….yeah, bye!” Noel’s voice drifted into Julian’s ears. A few seconds later, the door swung open and Noel was standing there, a grin on his face and a phone in his hand. He let Julian walk inside.

“Hey, you were gone a while,” Noel said when he’d shut the door.

“Yeah, I went to the park with Arthur and Walter,” he responded. “Who were you talking to?” He glanced at the phone by Noel’s side.

“Oh, that was just Mike.”

“Mmm, what were you talking about?”

“Nothing really…,” Noel said, avoiding his eyes.

“So that means me then?” Julian smirked.

“Don’t let it go to your head. He just asked if you’d finally come around yet,” Noel admitted. “What is all that?”

“Oh,” Julian said, looking down at the bag of stuff he had in his hands. “I’ve been meaning to ask, would you mind if I stayed another night?”

Noel smiled at him. “Why? You want to move in? I mean, I like you Julian. I really do, but I don’t know if I’m ready for this kind of commitment just yet…,” he said playfully.

“Oh come on, Noel, I’m serious. Would you care if I slept here again tonight?”

“I’m not going to sleep with you yet, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Noel answered.

“Do you really think that’s the only thing I’m after?” Julian said, offended.

“From the way you’ve been looking at me lately, I have to admit the thought has crossed my mind a few times, yes.”

“Well it’s not.”

“By ‘tonight’ do you mean one night? Or do you mean you’re gonna invite yourself over here a little more permanently?” Noel asked as Julian walked over and set his stuff down by the sofa.

“Are you offering?” Julian looked up at him more hopefully than he wanted to. He probably looked desperate.

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll probably stay here, at least until I can find another flat to move into. If that’s alright, I mean,” he finished awkwardly.

Noel just laughed at him. “You really think after I spend a good part of my adult life being in love with you, I’m going to tell you you can’t stay at my flat for a bit?”

It was still weird to hear. Noel loved him. Noel was in love with him. He’d known it for so long, but it was still taking a bit to get used to hearing it up front.

“No, I guess not. Thanks,” Julian muttered. Noel walked over to him.

“You know what it means? Being with you?” Noel asked him. He was inches away from him now.

“What does it mean?” Julian responded, happier than he should have been at the proximity but trying not to show it.

“It means I can kiss you whenever I want,” Noel finished before placing his mouth over his to stop Julian from responding. Not that Julian would have protested. It was disgusting how much both of them wanted to be with each other. Julian felt like he was in that crazy stage where you always need to be touching the other one, obsessive and violent love. He wanted to push Noel down on his knees and fuck him right there in the living room, but he didn’t. Instead he just kissed him back, holding him close and breathing him in. Trying to feel Noel’s body under his clothes, he realised something with a jolt.

“Noel!” He broke apart panting. “You’re wearing a suit.”

“Yeah,” Noel said, smiling. “I told you. I was talking with someone about my slot on the BBC. I needed to look presentable.”

Julian held him at arm’s length and looked him up and down. It was a pinstripe. Black and dark purple. “Thank God,” Julian said when he noticed it wasn’t just regular black or blue. “I thought for a second you were sick. It still looks like something you’d find in a theater closet.”

Noel slapped him softly on the chest. “Wouldn’t want to disappoint.”

“You look good,” Julian said. And he did. He wasn’t sure how he hadn’t noticed before. Now he knew why Noel had been grinning so broadly when he had opened the door.

“Took you long enough to notice,” Noel pouted jokingly.

“You know…you’d look better out of it.”

“I’ve heard a lot Julian, but that had to be one of the worst. I told you, you need to prove you love me first. And a shit line like that isn’t getting you anywhere.” He pecked him quickly on the lips and then dashed out of arms reach before Julian could grab at him.

“Alright, alright. It was worth a try.” He walked over to a dining room chair and sat down. “So what’s the plan tonight? You doing anything?”

Noel started unbuttoning his jacket while he talked. “Nope, not tonight. You’re stuck with me all evening. I’m going out with some people not tomorrow, but the next night though, just to hang out for a bit. You can come if you like.”

Julian thought about it. A party with Noel tonight would probably mean lots of embarrassing situations. He had a feeling Noel wouldn’t mind slipping the fact that they were finally together in wherever he could.

“Nah, I think I’ll probably stay here.”

“Suit yourself. I’m going to go change into something else. This thing is making me feel old,” he complained, tugging at the dress shirt hanging off his shoulders.

He disappeared for a few minutes into his room and then emerged from the hall, pulling a t-shirt on as he walked. Julian was taken aback for a second when he saw a flash of a fading yellow and purple bruise that was on Noel’s naked chest. He must have looked upset because Noel sighed when he saw Julian’s expression.

“It’s okay, Julian. It’s over now.”

“It’s not okay,” Julian said shaking his head.

“What makes it any different than when you gave me a bloody nose after the party? You didn’t care about that!” Noel questioned him.

“That was different. You asked for that.”

“Well in a way I asked for this too. I did hit you first. Besides, I was more upset about the fact that you wouldn’t tell me you loved me than anything else. The choking me part wasn’t completely unpleasant.” Noel said, watching Julian carefully.

“I think someone must’ve screwed with your head when you were growing up or something,” Julian said in disbelief. He wasn’t sure if Noel was lying to make him feel better, or if he actually was, just strange when it came to violence.

“Nope, it’s all me. Now Julian, let it go. Seriously. I don’t care that you hurt me. You’re here now, and that’s what matters.” Julian just crossed his arms and sighed. He didn’t feel any better. Noel suddenly gasped.

“Hey Julian! I never showed you my drawing! Remember? For the movie? You wanna see it now?” He was already disappearing into the back again, no doubt to get his sketches. Julian didn’t mind. He was glad to be talk about something else.

They sat there talking about the movie for hours after that, Julian drinking a beer and letting his ideas float out in the open. They hadn’t really had any time to talk about the film before this time, and even though they were both working on separate projects now, it was nice to get the creative juices flowing again. It made Julian feel a lot better, and everything seemed natural again by the time night had fallen. Not only did he feel like he was talking with someone he loved, but also to someone who had been his best friend while he grew from a young man into who he was today. They were writing again. This is how things should be. In the end, Noel ended up saying goodnight to him, just like he had the night before, with a kiss and some teasing words.

All in all, Julian thought, he wouldn’t really have a problem falling into this routine.

---

End Notes: Continue for the final part

---

[nextpage title=”Part 4″]
Part 4

Noel woke Julian the next day making breakfast loudly in the kitchen. Julian’s eyes flew open when Noel sent a skillet clanging noisily to the floor.

“Shit!” Noel said quietly, looking up guiltily to see if Julian was awake.

“What the fuck are you doing? Killing a mouse?” Julian said, trying to shake the sleep away from his mind.

“Sorry, Julian….it slipped. I’m making you breakfast,” he said, happy now that Julian was awake and he had someone to talk to.

“I’m a grown man. You don’t need to make me breakfast,” Julian said, yawning and getting up onto his feet.

Noel just shrugged. “I wanted to, I guess. I put your laundry in the washer too. It looked all wrinkled.”

“Why are you acting like you’re my wife?” Julian asked.

“That’s sexist darling,” Noel said, smirking as he stirred a strange looking sauce on the stove. “I am your wife now.”

Julian stretched, reaching his arms out into the air. “Alright, well if it makes you happy. What are you making?” he asked, walking over to get a closer look.

“I’m making you one of the Quinoa Burro’s I told you about. You’re not hungover today, but they’re still good.”

“No, you just don’t have anything else in your fridge to make,” Julian said with a sneer.

Noel lifted his wooden spoon and flicked it at Julian. A few drops of whatever sauce he was making hit Julian’s skin.

“Ow!” He said when the liquid burned him. “That hurt you tit!”

“You deserve it. I’m making you breakfast and washing your clothes, and all you have to say is some snide remark about my food?” Noel said smiling.

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Julian said grinning back. “I’m going to take a shower. Will it be done by the time I’m out?”

“Well now I’m probably going to burn it because I’m going to be thinking of you naked.”

Julian shook his head and started toward the bathroom.

“Yes, it will be done Julian,” Noel added, laughing as he watched him disappear down the hall.

Around fifteen minutes later, as Julian was stepping out of the shower Noel flung open the door and informed him he was done making breakfast.

“Do you mind?” Julian said, slightly embarrassed standing there, toweling himself off.

“Oh, yeah…sorry,” Noel sniggered and disappeared out the door.

Julian emerged a few minutes later, fairly hungry. Noel brought him over a plate when he sat down at the table. It looked repulsive.

“That looks great Noel, thank you,” Julian smiled up at Noel, who looked extremely pleased when he heard Julian’s approval.

“Wait until you taste it.” Noel turned and walked back into the kitchen and started cleaning up his mess.

Julian looked at it apprehensively but ended up tasting it anyway. He didn’t have the heart to turn it down after Noel had looked so excited about it. He’d cooked for him before and it hadn’t been a disaster then. It ended up tasting pretty good, not anything like it looked, and Julian had no problem finishing it off.

Noel was flirting more than usual today, touching him whenever he got the chance and making off-colour comments about most everything Julian did. By the time it was the afternoon, Julian was getting tired of Noel insinuating that everything he put in his mouth was a metaphorical cock.

After one particularly irritating comment Julian finally said something.

“Noel, do you want something from me?” Noel looked up innocently from painting his fingernails.

He had been dropping hints so long, Noel didn’t see the use in hiding it at this point. “Actually, I’ve been dying to suck you off all day.”

“So instead of just doing it, which would make us both happier, you thought you’d be a disgusting pervert, is that it?”

“Well I guess it would sort of be breaking the rules if I did that. I mean, you’re supposed to be proving your undying love for me. Of course your gonna love whoever is begging you to stick your cock down their throat,” Noel answered.

“Oh my God Noel, when are you going to let it go? I told you I love you. I left Julia, for Christ’s sake,” Julian complained. He had to admit, a blow job didn’t sound like too terrible of an idea right now.

Noel glared at him. “This is breaking the rules….but fine. Go sit in the chair over there.” Julian did what he was told.

Noel was waving his hands through the air trying to dry them. “You’re gonna have to get your cock out for me. My nails aren’t dry yet.”

“Oh well if it’s such a chore for you.” Julian started to get up and walk off.

“No! No…it’s not a chore. I just didn’t think you’d want nail polish all over you,” Noel said hurriedly.

Julian smirked and came back to the chair. Before he sat down he removed his jeans and underwear. Noel looked up at him. “On second thought, take off everything.”

Julian did so, taking time to fold his clothes and put them in a pile beside the chair. Noel walked over to him once he sat down. “Hey Julian, could you do me a favor and take my drainpipes off as well? I don’t want to get paint on them.”

Julian leaned forward, carefully unzipped Noel, and worked to pull his trousers to the ground. Noel did his best to step out of them. God he was beautiful.

“Underwear too, please.” Noel let Julian remove these as well while he blew absentmindedly on his fingernails.

“Alright, I could wait for these to dry…,” Noel started before Julian cut him off.

“Don’t you dare,” Julian snarled. Noel walked forward abruptly and straddled him.

“…but I don’t want to, so you’re just going to have to bear with me because I can’t use my hands. Besides, you only really need my mouth anyway.”

Julian was so turned on now, it hurt. He didn’t need to tell Noel that though. He was sitting on him. He could feel it. Noel leaned forward, set his elbows on Julian’s shoulders and kissed him painfully gently, brushing his tongue over Julian’s and breathing softly into his mouth. He shifted his body up further, so his cock was now resting heavily on Julian’s lower stomach. The older man groaned from the friction as Noel moved.

“Fuck, Noel. Why are you going so slow?” Julian asked him desperately.

“I want this time to be slow. Shut up,” Noel whispered back.

“Are you good at this?” Julian questioned.

“You’re already about to come all over the both of us, and I haven’t even started yet. Does it really matter?” Noel sighed between the kisses he was now placing all over Julian’s jawline. His hands were held up in the air like he was being robbed.

Julian didn’t answer. Instead he closed his eyes and focused on how it felt to have Noel touching him like he was. A part of him wanted to force Noel to go faster, harder, anything than the painfully slow and teasing way he was bringing him off now, but another part of him wouldn’t have it any other way. He could have pulled him in roughly with his hand or grabbed Noel’s neck and forced him down. After all, Julian didn’t have anything drying on his fingernails. But this was a game they were playing, and these were the rules. No one spoke them and they had never played before, but there was no question as to what Julian was allowed to do. Touching Noel more than he had to was not one on the list.

Noel backed off of him now and got onto his knees. He leaned forward and, starting right above Julian’s cock, he pressed his tongue to him, dragging it up Julian’s skin to his collarbone, where he stopped. He made his way back down then, nipping Julian softly every once in a while. Not enough to make him bleed, but enough to hurt a little and leave marks.

Once he was back down flat on his knees again, he started getting serious, lapping at the skin around Julian’s cock, making him twitch. Julian wasn’t sure if he was going to come right then and there before Noel had even really gotten started, but he didn’t really care. This felt too good to worry too much about how it happened.

After all the agonizing teasing he had done, Noel finally closed his warm mouth around Julian and began the process of easing him down his throat without gagging. Julian let out a wanton moan above him, and Noel looked up at his face. Julian didn’t see it though because he had his eyes shut tightly. Noel had him squirming in more than one way. If he hadn’t had his mouth full, he would have been grinning.

He let Julian slide down inside of him as he brought his head back and then forward again, using his teeth, his tongue, everything he could to make Julian shake and moan like a wounded animal. After a minute of working Julian’s cock in his mouth he got what he wanted. Julian’s breath was hitching above him, and he was crying out Noel’s name softly over and over. Only a few more seconds now.

Julian’s mind was a battlefield. He felt like it was short circuiting. Everything he had ever learned was gone now. All that remained were rapid tiny explosions of pleasure all through his brain. He was going to come, and he was going to come hard.

A few seconds later an ecstasy flooded through him, and he lost control of his body. If he had had control he would have stopped himself from thrusting into Noel’s mouth so violently that he moved forward off the chair and forced Noel onto his back as he came. The younger man’s head thudded dully on the floor, Julian’s cock still in his mouth. Julian pulled out of him quickly trying to avoid making him choke to death.

Noel coughed and spluttered as he got up.

“Fuck, Julian! That’s the second time you’ve choked me in two weeks. Do you want me dead or something?” It was obscene the way he was talking. He had swallowed, but he hadn’t wiped his mouth off. Obviously he didn’t care, because he rolled over onto Julian who was laying flat on the floor at his side and kissed him.

Julian kissed him back, too weak to do anything but move his lips with Noel’s. The tongue sliding over his tasted different this time. Julian expected it though. Noel’s mouth was still full of him. He was beginning to feel light headed and needed to catch his breath, but couldn’t. With both a mouth over his and Noel’s weight crushing his lungs, it was nearly impossible to get air. He didn’t care though. Nothing was more important than Noel right now, not even consciousness.

Luckily Julian didn’t pass out. Noel broke away and wriggled his body down so his head was resting on Julian’s chest, right above his heart. Julian just lay there, his breathing slowly returning to normal. He stared up at the ceiling, wondering how the hell he ended up here with the most beautiful man in the world resting on top of him. Resting on top of him, Julian thought, in a way strangely reminiscent of a large cat.

“Julian?” Noel said softly.

“Hmm?”

“I think you have a heart murmur or something.”

“Way to ruin the mood, Noel.” He felt the younger man’s body above him rippling with laughter.

“I’m sorry! It sounds weird though!” Noel placed his arms on Julian’s chest, resting his chin in his hands. “That must’ve felt fucking genius. Your heart’s beating a million miles a minute. You should hear it!”

“I can feel it you twat. It’s inside me,” Julian said, smiling.

“You know,” Noel started in a matter-a-fact tone, “I bet I could get you off with out touching you at all.”

Julian scoffed. “Either you think too highly of your abilities, or not enough of my ability to resist you. I hardly think you have the power to do that,” He could feel Noel’s weight pushing his body into the cold wood beneath him.

Noel wasn’t phased. He settled himself more comfortably on top of Julian. “I bet I could. You’d lay here on the floor just like you’re doing now. I’d sit right next to you and whisper things in your ear. You’d beg me to touch you but I wouldn’t. When I refused to touch you, you would get upset and say that my words didn’t affect you. I wouldn’t believe you though, because I’d be able to see your cock. I’d be able to see exactly what I was doing to you. I’d tell you that. You would get off a little on that wouldn’t you Julian, knowing I could push you further and further and watch every second of it? I’d make you sweat. By the end I’d be listening to you choke and gasp my name, begging me to go on. I’d watch you breathing heavy. I’d see you come. And all from me talking. It would all be without one touch.”

He wasn’t sure if it was the way Noel had said it or the words themselves that were switching something on in his brain again. All the familiar places were feeling warm again. The very beginning of excitement and hunger were creeping into his mind, urging him to act, dare Noel to do just what he was teasing. He was astonished he wasn’t satisfied. It had been only a few minutes since he’d come down Noel’s throat and he was already starting to crave him again. This sort of energy was for young people. Not for him. Noel slid his thigh down to place pressure in between Julian’s legs. He started to laugh like I delighted child. The sound of it made Julian feel strange. He didn’t want children to be one of the things on his mind while Noel was pushing up against him like he was.

“Christ Ju, I was just kidding, but now I’m not so sure I couldn’t actually bring you off without laying a finger on you. That was nothing! I can get ten times dirtier, want me to try?” Noel said hurriedly, making the force he was exerting on Julian a bit more insistent.

“No. God, Noel, once was enough.” Noel relaxed and sighed.

“Suit yourself. I want to try that sometime though.” He paused for a bit before he spoke again.“I didn’t mean to make you come that hard, now that you’ve gotten what you wanted you’re probably gonna leave me again, huh?”

Julian pushed the warm body off of him onto the floor, switching positions so it was now Noel’s hips between his knees. He placed a hand on the wood on either side of Noel’s face and locked his arms so he was above him, looking down into his eyes.

“Do you keep saying that just because you like hearing me talk about you? I’m not going to leave you. If anyone should be worrying it should be me. If word gets out about how well you can get another man off, someone is going to steal you from me.”

Noel smiled. “I don’t want anyone’s cock in my mouth but yours.”

“You are so terribly romantic,” Julian said, rolling his eyes and then finally lifting himself up off the floor. “Look at me. I just showered and now I’m a mess again.” He felt his sticky thigh with his fingers.

“You’re welcome,” Noel said, smirking proudly.

********

Julian left and cleaned himself up in the bathroom before walking out and redressing himself. He took care to try and get the creases out of his clothes. Once he had them sorted out, he turned to see Noel emerging from the bathroom, dressed again and with a toothbrush in his mouth. Not even that stopped him from talking.

“Julian, I’m bored,” He complained.

“How can you possibly be bored right now?” Julian said, surprised.

“Well it wasn’t me at the receiving end of that now was it?” Noel responded.

“I would return the favor, but you haven’t been letting me touch you,” Julian said, not knowing what Noel was getting at.

“I don’t want anything like that. I want to DO something today. Let’s go somewhere!” Noel’s words came out a little garbled through the toothpaste.

“Where do you want to go?” Julian asked.

“Why don’t you take me to Camden Market?”

“Why do you want me to take you there? You’ve been there a thousand times.” Julian didn’t really want to go out anywhere. He just wanted to sit down. That little escapade had tired him out and thinking about it made him feel old.

“Yeah, but not with you though!” Noel walked over and looked at him challengingly. “You owe me.”

Julian decided not to argue. “Alright, fine. You want to go now?”

Noel’s face lit up. “Yeah, hold on one second. I’ve got to change into something else. This looks like something my Auntie would wear.” In the end, the outfit Noel changed into; silver boots, black drainpipes and a red velvet shirt, didn’t make him look any less like his “Auntie” than he did before, but Julian chose not to point that out.

Walking by the booths and weaving through the people, Julian felt strange. It wasn’t an all together unpleasant sort of strange, just an unfamiliar one. This was the first time he’d been out with Noel publicly since they had decided to be “together.” Driving there, Julian had been worried it would be a terrible experience, but now that he was there it wasn’t drastically different than it was going out with Noel before things had changed between them. Noel pointed at things delightedly once in a while, just like he always did when they were out shopping together. The only difference now was Julian held Noel’s hand loosely by his side as they walked.

At first it had been nerve wracking. The first few fans who came up to them asking shyly for autographs nearly sent Julian into a mini panic attack. Did they notice their hands? Did they know? What did they think? After a while though, he noticed that some of the fans did indeed notice Noel’s fingers entwined in his, but most didn’t react unless it was to smile. It made him relax a little, but Noel could still tell he was uneasy.

“Your hair is gonna turn grey if you keep worrying about everything so much,” Noel said, squeezing Julian’s hand slightly once the last group of fans had wandered away and left them alone again.

“I’m just nervous about what they’re thinking. I mean, some of them probably know about Julia and my kids. They probably think I’m a dick for being here with you like this.”

“Why d’you worry about the fans so much? They don’t mind us being together, Julian. Quit stressing.”

“How do you know that?” Julian asked, even though he knew what Noel had said was true.

“Half our fans are horrible perverts. You remember that story they wrote about us that I showed you? They’ve expected this was going on longer than you have,” Noel laughed.

“I guess you’re right…” Julian shrugged.

“I know I’m right.” Noel pulled him to the side and faced him, letting go of his hand but still touching Julian’s arm softly while he started talking. “This is what you want right? You want to be with me?”

“Yes, I want to be with you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care what…,” Julian started, but Noel cut him off.

“Good. That’s settled then. Now stop worrying, and enjoy this. For me at least.” Noel’s hand dropped to hold Julian’s once again, and he pulled him back onto the walking path. However, once they had returned to browsing, Julian pulled his hand away in order to slink an arm around Noel’s waist instead.

Noel made a happy sounding noise. “You’re learning,” he said, looking up and grinning. Julian returned the smile. “Oh! I know the perfect thing to cheer you up, Julian! Let’s find you a proper hat.”

Three hours and a meal later, they returned home to Noel’s flat, Noel holding three jackets and a shirt, Julian holding a hat he would never wear.

********

“You sure you don’t wanna come?” Noel asked Julian once again the next night while he applied eyeliner in the mirror.

“No, Noel. It’s really not my sort of thing.” Julian remained resolute.

Noel sighed looking at Julian’s reflection. “Okay….you’re missing out though. What are you gonna do while I’m gone?”

“Probably move the rest of my stuff over here or into my car at least. There’s no use paying for a hotel room if I’m staying here,” Julian answered, biting at the corner of a nail.

Noel snapped the cap onto his liner and spun around, posing for Julian. “How do I look?”

“Like a prostitute.”

“Perfect,” Noel said smiling. He crossed the room and picked up his vintage looking bag that was lying on his chair. He rifled through it and pulled out his cell phone.

“Shit, they’re already here,” he said, glancing at the screen. “Alright well, I guess I’m off then. I don’t know when I’ll be back.” He briskly crossed the room to where Julian was sitting, tilted his chin up with a curled finger and gave him a quick kiss. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, don’t come home too drunk. I’m not helping you unlock your own door. You’ll just have to sit outside,” Julian called to him while Noel walked toward the door. He looked back and smiled before slipping out into the hall.

Julian lingered a while after he was left alone, rearranging the spare bedroom to make room for some of the things he would be bringing over. Noel had turned it into a sort of make-shift studio for his painting. Where canvases and paint bottles weren’t, Noel had used the space as a large closet. In short, the room was a mash up of items and it ended up taking Julian almost two hours to even clear a space for his belongings. Of course, the process would have gone faster if Julian hadn’t kept getting preoccupied flipping through Noel’s sketchbooks and looking at his paintings. He saw countless paintings of unidentifiable creatures, cartoon like animals and likenesses of celebrities. They were amazing, though nothing different than what he’d seen ever since he learned Noel had a knack for painting when they had met. It was when he looked through the sketchbooks, the ones Noel hadn’t shown him, that he saw something different. These pieces didn’t look like Noel’s typical artistic style. They were faces, hands, rooms and landscapes, but instead of having fat choppy lines and bold colors like Noel’s other works, these had been sketched to look just like they did in life, right down to the tiniest details. Julian wondered why Noel had never shown him before. They were actually quite good.

He eventually forced himself to pry his eyes away from Noel’s curious renderings when he realised how late it was getting. He rushed to drive back to the hotel, not wanting to have to check out in the early hours of the morning.

His room was how he left it, minus the fact that it was perhaps a little cleaner. Room service had come around while he was gone, and he was secretly glad he had cleaned most of his mess before they had to. He loaded the rest of his things out to his car, taking care not to leave anything. Just to make sure, he gave the room one last check and turned to leave. Out at the front desk, he turned in his key and paid for his room, thanking the receptionist politely for his stay.

Back in his car he took a short detour, looking out his window at some of the flats he might potentially stop by and look into in the future. He knew he had to buy his own place soon. A large amount of his stuff was still at Julia’s and he needed to get it out. Noel wouldn’t put up with all of Julian’s stuff cluttering up his studio forever. The thought depressed him though. He finally admitted to himself he really didn’t want to leave Noel’s company.

He was still attempting to convince himself that the sooner

he moved out the better while he was standing once again outside Noel’s door ten minutes later, a portable telly on his hip. He had had enough of not being able to watch anything here and had complained numerous times already about the absence of cable in Noel’s flat. Raised voices stopped him from opening the door.

Noel was home already Julian realised a little confused. From the sound of it, he was arguing with someone. A woman. Julian pressed his ear against the door. Listening closely he recognized the voice as Dee’s, though he’d never heard her sound this upset. Their voices weren’t clear enough to hear sentences, only words here and there, but after only a few seconds listening Julian gathered enough from the conversation that it wouldn’t be a wise idea to enter. So instead he walked back downstairs and out into the night where he sat on the front steps, leaned on his portable television and pulled out a fag. He tried to figure out why Dee would be here. He was fairly certain Dee and Noel had stopped spending time together. Besides, Julian had figured that Noel would be out at the party for most of the night, so why were the two of them arguing upstairs? He sucked the bitter smoke into his lungs, deciding to enjoy the calm while he could. Noel would probably be bitching to him about this fight for the rest of the night from the way his voice had sounded.

After what seemed like at least a half hour, Julian was shivering in the cold and half inclined to get back in his car and just let Noel sort if out with Dee. He’d go back and check out another room and sleep there and text Noel so he wouldn’t panic. He’d come back in the morning. Right as he had made up his mind to go through with it, he heard quick footsteps nearing the door. When he’d risen to his feet and turned, he saw Dee emerging from the building. Her eyes were red and swollen. She jumped a little when she saw him standing in the dark in front of her.

“Shit, Julian! You scared me.” She sniffed quietly after she spoke.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to. I was just….um….waiting until you two were done,” Julian said carefully.

She let out a humorless laugh. “You should’ve interrupted. We weren’t having the happiest conversation in the world.”

Julian didn’t know why, but he hugged her. She felt weak in his arms. “I’m sorry.” he told her.

“Don’t worry about it Ju. You weren’t the one who cheated on me.” She pulled away and wiped her eyes. “You smell like smoke.” As far as Julian knew, Dee didn’t smoke, but he knew her well enough to know she was asking. He offered her a cigarette and a light, which she took gratefully.

“Thanks, Julian.” She walked down the rest of the steps onto the sidewalk and turned back to him. “I hope he loves you more than he loved me. For your sake.” He felt like he should say something to make her feel better but words failed him. When he didn’t say anything, she gave him a small wave and walked into the night.

Julian wasn’t completely sure what would await him when he finally let himself in Noel’s flat, but he was surprised at what he got. He’d expected anger, seething eyes and flying insults. At least, that’s what he’d gotten a lot of when Dee had initially broken up with him. What he wasn’t anticipating was Noel, immediately on him when he shut the door, wrapping his arms around his neck and crying into his shoulder. Julian leaned down awkwardly to set his television on the floor so he could hold Noel back.

“Hey now. Alright. Shhhh….,” Julian said softly, holding Noel’s shaking back. “Come on. Let’s go over and sit down. You can tell me what happened.” He started to lead Noel into the living room. Julian felt a panic in him. He’d only seen Noel this upset a handful of times in all the years he’d known him.

“I don’t want to sit down,” Noel said in an angry voice. “I want you, now.”

“What?” Julian scanned his face. Something in his voice didn’t sound right.

“I said I want you right now.” Noel jumped up and started kissing Julian furiously, the tears on his eyelashes brushing onto Julian’s skin. Noel walked forward while they were locked together, and before Julian knew it Noel’s bed was nudging the back of his knees. It snapped him out of the moment he’d let Noel lead him into.

“What are you doing?” Julian said, pushing Noel away and holding him at arms length.

“What does it look like?” Noel pushed him back onto the bed and then covered him with his body so he couldn’t get back up. Julian felt a hand slip down his jeans and close roughly over his cock.

“No,” Julian said. Noel ignored him. “I said NO,” Julian commanded, pushing Noel off of him when he didn’t stop.

Noel glared at him viciously. “What the fuck is your problem? She was right wasn’t she? You don’t want me, do you!?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just not going to have sex with you when you’re crying,” Julian answered, hoping desperately that he would snap out of this, whatever it was. He got up off the bed so Noel wouldn’t straddle him again. Noel had other ideas.

“You don’t love me. No one fucking loves me.” Noel walked over to Julian and raised his hand up to hit him, but Julian grabbed his wrist harshly and forced him down to his knees. Noel cried out in pain.

“Noel, I don’t know what’s wrong with you right now, but you’re going to have to calm down. I’m going to count to ten and let you go. If you back up and give me some space I’ll talk with you. If you touch me in any way, I’m leaving for the night.” Julian used a technique he used many times on his children and hoped to God it would work now.

Noel choked back a sob and nodded.

“Ten….nine….eight….seven….six…five….four….three….two….one.” Julian let Noel’s wrist go, and Noel immediately rose and backed up against his dresser, looking at him with tear-filled eyes. He was scary when he was crying. There was nothing soft or defeated about it. It was fire and anger behind the tears.

“Alright Noel, now tell me what’s wrong.” Julian was astonished that Noel had actually listened to him. “Let’s start at the beginning. What was Dee doing here?”

“She was at the party. I see her sometimes. We still move in the same social circles,” Noel tried to say, his voice cracking. “She wanted to know what happened with you and me, and I wanted to thank her.”

“Why couldn’t you tell her there?” Julian asked quietly.

“Because I wanted to try and apologise again for cheating on her forever ago, finally fix things. I didn’t want to do it there with all those people.” Noel said sounding angry.

“Okay, so you got her here, and then what happened?”

“Well it was alright at first, but then she started getting mad when I mentioned you cheating on Julia. I suppose it reminded her of when I cheated.” Noel ruffled his hair, Julian noticed, even when he was upset.“She told me I was an arsehole, and I was the reason she wasn’t happy anymore. I tried to tell her I was sorry, but she just let loose into me, telling me how she hated me for what I did. I thought this was done with, Julian. I honestly fucking thought she had gotten over it, and I told her that. Once I said something about how she needed to move on though, she started bringing you into it saying how I was only a distraction to you and that you’d leave me just like I left her in the end, because that’s all I was: a distraction to people. And I know I am Julian. No one ever fucking sticks around. It’s like they suck up some limelight, fuck me and they’re done. Dee meant something though. She did. I loved her, and I lost her. But I’m moving on like I should. And I love you more than I’ve loved anyone in my life but I know you’re gonna leave. You’ll get sick of me, just like everyone else does. Or maybe I’ll make a mistake a few years down the road and you’ll chuck me just like that. I’m tired of people leaving me. And the worst part about it is she’s right. You have your kids, and you have Julia. I’m just a distraction. That’s all I’ll ever be,” Noel finished. His eyes were dull now. He didn’t look mad anymore, just drained. Julian just let him think. After a few seconds he spoke again.

“Can you hold me….please? I won’t hit you, I promise,” Noel begged. Julian didn’t have it in his heart to tell him no. They crawled onto the bed and Noel snuggled up to him.

“Dee is still coping, she said things she didn’t mean. I know you don’t believe me…but you’re not a distraction. There is no more Julia. Only you. You don’t need to get so worked up about it. I love you, okay? I love you even when you’re crying and look absolutely disgusting.”

Noel actually laughed then. It was strangled sounding, but still a laugh. Julian pulled him close and leaned down to kiss the top of his head.

“Can I sleep in here with you tonight?” Julian asked him, knowing that’s what he wanted.

Noel sniffed and then nodded. “Thank you, Julian.”

They stayed like that, both fully clothed until Noel fell asleep, and Julian snuck out from under him to change out of his regular clothes. He made sure to hurry back though, and was still next to Noel in the morning when the younger man opened his eyes.

********

It was scary how easily they fell into the daily movements of a domestic relationship. Getting up, eating breakfast, watching telly, living together like that’s how it had always been. It had been a week since Noel had had his meltdown. He had apologised the next morning and they talked it out, Noel finally relaxing and returning to his normal self. They had spent much of the following days together talking, watching telly, and sometimes doing nothing but sitting together in comfortable silence.

Now, sitting on the couch, Julian was mulling the last two weeks over in his mind. He strummed his fingers lazily over the strings of the guitar on his lap while he thought. Noel was in front of him, humming and moving his body languidly to the song.

“Play a bit faster Julian. It’s hard to dance to a funeral dirge,” Noel complained, but didn’t stop moving to the tune.

Julian gave him a dirty look and switched songs, this one faster and more lively. Noel grinned and sped up, closing his eyes and not caring if he looked odd dancing alone to acoustic guitar.

“Anything else? Or is this song danceable enough for you?” Julian said with a scowl.

“Well,” Noel said, while he glanced at the muted telly in the corner. “Looks like if you turn up the volume, you could dance with me.” Julian followed Noel’s eyes and sure enough, it must have been on the concert channel, because a couple of men with skintight jeans and massive hair were bouncing around onstage.

Julian let out a sigh, cursing the cable he had insisted on hooking up a few days ago. “I am not dancing to that.”

“What! You can’t even hear it. How do you know you don’t like it?” Noel exclaimed.

“Because…just look at them. The only dancing you could do to that would be head-banging, at the most.”

“Well what kind of dancing do you want to do then?” Noel asked. Before Julian could tell him that he didn’t want to dance at all, Noel gasped happily and said, “You want to waltz with me, don’t you!? Well you’re going to have to do it properly. Pretend I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen, and come ask for a dance. Find the classical music channel and see if they’re playing a waltz for us.” Noel was shoving the coffee tables into the corner to allow them more room. “C’mon Julian, get up. I can’t move the sofa if you’re on it.”

“Who said I was going to dance with you?” Julian said, but he wasn’t angry. Noel was rushing around the room so excitedly it made Julian grin despite his efforts not to.

“I did. And you remember when we were at that party? I didn’t get my dance. I haven’t forgotten. You owe me one.” Noel smirked like he had just presented Julian with a foolproof contract set in stone.

Julian knew there was no arguing with him at this point. Once Noel got something in his head, it was nearly impossible to get it out, so he leaned his guitar on the sofa and let Noel haul him up by his hands.

“Go on, find some music, Get your laptop if you have to,” Noel ordered. When Julian turned to go, something happened that made him stop. Noel had given him a sharp smack on the arse. He turned to see him grinning mischievously. He wanted nothing more than to wipe that smile off his face. He was being much too bold. Julian hooked his hand roughly around the back of Noel’s neck and pulled him in to kiss him. But when Noel’s hands rose up to twist through his hair, Julian grabbed one in his own hand and forced it down to rest over his jeans so Noel had no choice but to feel what was underneath.

“Do you feel that?” Julian growled, his mouth inches from Noel’s. Noel didn’t answer, just looked at him.

“If you don’t stop being such a tart, I’m just going to have to rape you.”

Noel beamed. “Rape only works if it’s not consensual. Everyone knows that.”

“As I recall, you seem to be depriving me of a certain something still, so I believe it wouldn’t be consensual.”

“You had your chance the night I was crying. Don’t complain.”

“I already told you, I don’t sleep with people when they’re crying. It reminds me of cheesy movies, and it makes me feel ill.”

“Maybe I can arrange something if you make this dance extra good,” Noel said smoothly in Julian’s ear. He was quiet for a second, and Julian could tell he was thinking. “You know…maybe if all the rapists in the world were better-looking blokes then rape would just cease to exist. Or maybe if ugly people only raped ugly people. Or pretty people who enjoyed ugly people, I guess. But if…”

“Oh shut up,” Julian said as he rolled his eyes and let go of Noel. “You’re repulsive, you know that?”

“I’ve been told,” Noel said in an unconcerned voice. “Now hurry up and get some music.” Noel busied himself with pushing the sofa out of the way while Julian picked up the remote and began clicking through the music channels, looking for something that may have a waltz on it. Feeling like an idiot, he clicked on the classical music channel. Why did he always do what Noel asked him to, even when he didn’t want to do it? He silently hoped a waltz wasn’t playing, which he noticed with relief that it wasn’t, but he wasn’t sure why it mattered. He knew Noel would just wait for the next song or make him find one on the internet. Noel was clamoring behind him, scraping the legs of the sofa loudly on the wood floor. When Julian spun around he saw Noel standing there with his hands on his hips, breathing heavy.

“Turn it up. I can’t hear it.” Noel was squinting at the screen. “William Billings….that’s no name for a classical artist. It’s got no style or anything. Sounds like someone who answers telephones and files paperwork.”

Julian smirked. “Yep, and this isn’t a waltz.”

“We don’t need to go about it like we’re fucking professionals. We can pretend this a waltz, well enough.” Noel walked to the middle of the now cleared out room. “Okay. Turn it up as high as it can go, and then ask me for a dance. And remember, depending on how good this is, you might get something from me after,” he finished with glinting eyes.

Sighing, Julian straightened up, turned the volume all the way up and took off his jacket, which he tossed into the corner. Just get this over with, he thought, make Noel happy. It couldn’t be that hard could it? Sweets could make him happy for God’s sake. Music was wafting through the room now, bleeding into the cracks of the walls and consuming the relative silence that had been there a few seconds before.

“Can I have this dance?” Julian requested, offering his hand. He bowed to Noel slightly, knowing he’d soak it up. A pleased noise from Noel proved Julian’s suspicion. If something would make regular people feel sick, Noel would embrace it. He was a self-proclaimed enthusiast of overly sentimental things.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Noel replied, placing his hand in Julian’s larger one and stepping forward so Julian could wrap an arm around his waist.

“Do you even know how to waltz, Noel?”

“I’ve never done, but it can’t be that hard can it? Anyway you’re the gentleman here. It’s your job to lead me through it.” Noel smiled up at him. “Have you waltzed?”

“My mum used to waltz with me a little when I was really young. That’s all I know how to do though,” Julian answered.

“You must’ve been the cutest kid ever Ju, waltzing around. I bet you were reading epic classics when you were still in nappies,” Noel jested.

“No, I was reading them when I was still in the womb. I was writing them by the time I was in nappies,” Julian said, twisting his fingers more comfortably through Noel’s hand, and raising it up in the air. “Now try not to step all over me, alright? I like being able to walk.”

The song playing was a fairly slow one, which was fortunate because it took a while for the pair to get their rhythm. Julian did his best to guide Noel around, and Noel was doing a fairly good job at following Julian’s movements, though he did end up stepping on Julian on a few occasions. Noel would snigger and say he was sorry, but by the third or fourth time Julian thought he may have been doing it on purpose.

“You should’ve just danced to what I wanted to danced to. This is well boring,” Noel complained. But before the words had even finished leaving his lips, a new song started. Noel twisted in Julian’s arms to see what it was.

“Shostakovich, Waltz 2,” Noel said the name awkwardly. “Now that’s a proper name, I can already tell this is going to be better.” The song was quicker and more powerful, and in a delighted voice, Noel added, “Exactly what we’re looking for.”

Julian pulled Noel in even closer, pressing his hand firmly into his lower back. Julian began twirling him around the room rapidly, stepping surprisingly gracefully now around Noel’s feet. They adopted a more defined pattern of moving, Noel leaning into Julian’s chest and letting himself be guided easily. They stepped and spun together, with quickened breaths. The powerful tune was a little haunting and it surrounded them as they moved. Violins were getting louder and the beat was growing faster, and Noel and Julian moved obediently with it, doing their best to keep up without falling over each other. They weren’t the best dancers in the world, but it didn’t seem to matter to either of them. Noel was laughing happily as he was whirled around, every turn making him lose it a little more. Julian was loving it, and purposefully whipped him around forcefully just to hear him shriek with delight. By the time the song was settling down to a close, Noel was laughing into Julian’s shoulder, while Julian held him and chuckled as well, not being able to avoid the contagious happiness filling up the room.

When the instruments’ lingering end finally drifted into silence, Julian let go of Noel’s hand and hugged him tightly. Noel was trying to stop laughing while he held Julian back, muffled partly by Julian’s chest. When they broke apart, they were both grinning at each other.

“See, I told you! That was brilliant!” Noel said out of breath.

Julian just smiled at him. His face was flushed with a tinge of pink, just like it was after they had sex. It reminded him.

“Noel?” Julian said hesitantly.

“Yeah?”

“Was that good enough? Was that what you wanted?” Julian felt slightly stupid asking him, but he was past the point of shame.

“Yes! You are a much better dancer than you let on,” Noel beamed at him. “Now I get to make it up to you. I just need to ask you one more time.”

“Whatever it is, yes,” Julian rushed.

“Julian, do you love me?”

“I love you,” Julian answered truthfully.

“You are with me now, and you’re not going to leave?” Noel asked

“No. I want you more than anyone in the world.”

“Then I’m yours,” Noel purred, and then lifted his own shirt over his head and tossed it to the side. Noel moved Julian away from the wall and slowly pushed him flat onto the floor, letting all his weight lay directly on top of him. Julian couldn’t believe how amazing it felt, having Noel’s warmth on top of him again. Noel put a knee on either side of Julian’s hips and rocked back into a sitting position on top of him. Julian would have been bothered that the back of his head hit the ground with a thud, if Noel hadn’t ground Julian’s erection against his own in the process of sitting up.

“Oh god. Noel,” he groaned, struggling to focus. “Are you sure you want me? Out of all the people in the world. You want me? Because, I can’t guarantee I can make you happy, and you don’t need to go through losing someone again. Not that I’m saying I’m leaving, because I’m not. But honestly….”

“Shut up. I know what I want,” Noel replied absentmindedly as he struggled with the buttons on Julian’s shirt. Eventually he had it off, and thrown next to his own discarded top.

“Don’t you think we should…uh, move somewhere more comfortable?” Julian tried to keep his voice steady. It was difficult with Noel rhythmically rocking up against him.

“Will you shut up if we do?” Noel breathed into his mouth when he returned to kiss him again.

“I suppose so…”

“Then come on!” Noel rolled off of him and got up, dragging Julian with him. He led him over to the couch before crawling on top of him again. Noel was kissing his neck, pressing their bodies together, holding his face, anything he could do to make more contact between their bodies. “It has been so hard not to let you fuck me these past days. I about died,” he said.

Julian struggled out from under a protesting Noel and slid onto his knees in front of the couch. He unbuttoned Noel’s drainpipes and peeled them off him. He laid his hands on Noel’s pale thighs for a second before he reached up to kiss his navel, slowly working his way down the dark trail of hair that contrasted fiercely with the smooth, white skin underneath it. Julian couldn’t help but glance at his hip bone, which jutted out from his body and cast a small shadow across his stomach. He leaned over and traced it with his tongue, before returning to his previous path. He was so close to Noel’s cock now that it was causing the younger man’s legs to shake. He was already panting above Julian, and he hadn’t even taken him into his mouth yet.

Noel laid his head back onto the couch, exposing his neck. Julian could tell he was getting impatient and finally took him into his mouth. Noel shuddered. Julian twirled his tongue around Noel, savoring his taste and loving the sounds he was producing.

Noel suddenly gasped. “You think after all this, I’m just going to let you suck me off and that’s it? I want more. Want you to fuck me, Julian.”

Julian was afraid of this. He wanted to, more than anything. He wanted to be rough with him, make him scream, make him come all over the couch moaning his name. But he was afraid it would hurt him. He didn’t think he could mentally handle it, but he didn’t know if he could help himself if he took it a step further. On top of that, he was terrified that Noel would beg him to hit him, like he did last time. He’d complied before, but he wouldn’t now. It would kill him to hit Noel, even if he wanted it. He couldn’t hurt him anymore.

Noel seemed to read his mind. It was actually something he did quite well. “You don’t have to hit me if you don’t want. I won’t ask. I just need you inside me, Ju. Please. I’ll do anything.” Noel brushed back Julian’s hair from the side of his face, and Julian leaned into the touch.

“Will you tell me if I’m hurting you? In a way you don’t want, I mean,” Julian said quietly, looking grave.

“Yes, anything,” Noel said.”I swear.”

“Aright, okay….I’ll do it. Where’s your lube?”

Noel pointed into his room. “Nightstand, second drawer. Blue bottle. Hurry.” Julian retrieved it in seconds. Noel was in the process of situating himself, knees on the seat, arms draped over the back of the sofa. Julian stopped for a second to stare at him. He was so fucking sexy like that. It sent a painful jolt through his cock. Noel saw him looking and blushed a little. “I feel stupid sitting here. Would you hurry up?”

Julian felt himself laugh, a real laugh. It felt so good. “Sorry, Noel. You’re just really gorgeous.”

“Oh, piss off,” Noel said, but he grinned at Julian at the same time.

Julian closed the distance between them, removed his trousers and pulled out his throbbing cock. He covered it with lube and then tended to Noel, pushing one finger, then two inside him, making sure he was ready. Noel groaned as he did so, letting his head fall down in between his shoulders and gripping the fabric on the back of the sofa with his fingernails. Julian bent over Noel, kissed his spine and wrapped his arms around him, hands gripping the base of his ribs.

Noel sighed happily and closed his eyes as he felt Julian about to enter him. A groan from Julian and a sigh from Noel and he was inside, moving in him, slowly, gently. It was the best feeling in the world for him, being completely and utterly one with Julian, feeling his body inside him, hearing his shallow breaths behind him.

“Thank you, Julian…oh God,” Noel mumbled, completely lost in the moment.

Julian didn’t speak. He simply moaned in reply. It was all he could manage. The feeling of Noel around him was unimaginable. Unspoken, they both wanted more and Julian began to thrust inside him harder, pushing Noel into the back of the sofa a little more each time. Noel gasped and whimpered, not able to control himself now that Julian had found his prostate. He was letting words flow out of him without thinking. Mostly he just repeated Julian’s name. In all truthfullness, every time Julian rammed further inside him it did hurt. But Noel wanted it so bad he didn’t even consider telling Julian to be gentle. He wanted anything but to be handled like he was fragile.

“Oh my God, Julian. Yes. More,” Noel whined.

They kept on for a bit, breathing together, lost completely in the other. Tears began to seep from Julian’s eyes, tears because of guilt and pain. Tears for Noel, the most beautiful thing in his world, now breathless and shaking beneath him. Julian gripped Noel’s body closer to him and clawed at his soft skin. Noel loved every fucking minute of it.

“Julian, touch me,” Noel begged. Julian reached down and began to feel him, dragging his hand over Noel’s wet cock, teasing the head, scraping ever so slightly with a fingernail along the shaft. He continued to pull his hand up and down Noel, loving the way he was arching underneath him, watching his muscles move underneath his skin. They were both getting close, Noel biting his lip and gripping the sofa with white knuckles, and Julian, feeling himself fill, ready to release. They moved together a bit longer, and then Noel, edging closer to climax, flung his head up and let out a wanton moan, his body rippling with euphoria.

That moan sent Julian over the edge, and the blood rushed to his head as he came inside Noel, collapsing over his shaking body, feeling the tears on his face and sobbing into his skin. “Oh fuck,” he moaned, feeling like his entire being was being ripped apart from all the searing emotions tearing through his mind. Noel came right after, stiffening and letting out a loud shuddering groan, before collapsing, completely spent under Julian’s warm body.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. So sorry, Noel…,” Julian repeated, not caring that he was crying.

Noel just lay there drinking his voice in, his apologies, feeling Julian’s heartbeat on his skin. “Sorry for making me come all over my own sofa? You should be.” Noel grinned at him.

Julian choked out a laugh, but still looked upset. Noel’s voice softened.“It’s okay. You’re forgiven. You’re forgiven, Ju. It’s going to be alright.” He ran his hand comfortingly through the older man’s hair and wiped away a tear from his cheek with a finger. “None of it matters. Just us, here and now. Don’t let this slip away ever again.”

Noel crawled out from under Julian, but only so he could put Julian’s arm over his shoulder and curl up close to him, resting his head on his collarbone. Just like the first time. Julian responded by pulling him in close, protective and warm. Noel let his arm rest on Julian’s chest. And that’s how they stayed. Skin against skin, Julian holding Noel in his arms, feeling his heart.

Neither of them said anything for a while, just listening to the other breathe, until finally Noel said in a hushed voice, “I ask you too much if you love me.”

Even though he didn’t pose it as one, Julian knew it was a question. One that he would readily answer. “Noel Fielding, I love you. Always have, and always will. I’ll never get tired of saying it.”

Noel seemed to be satisfied with the answer, but after a moment he looked up at him and studied his face. “Are you going to leave me again? Decide you can’t do it? Like you did last time?” His face held a child’s innocence. He looked scared of what Julian would say.

Julian was quiet for a minute, thinking of the appropriate thing to say to convince Noel of his intentions. He bent his head down to kiss him. “Never again.” He felt Noel relax in his arms and settle even closer into his embrace. “Never again.”

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End Notes: FIN