Noel tried to remember when things had first began to change between him and Julian, but it was impossible to pinpoint a particular date or event. Looking back, it had been happening so gradually.

They had always been close; closer than other friends he had or knew. Happy to share each other’s personal space; comfortable in touching and being touched, but lately…

He sighed and continued with the task of getting himself ready for the Live DVD launch party. However, it wasn’t long before his thoughts drifted back to Julian.

That had been one of the first things he had noticed, the first hint that things were changing – he had been thinking about Julian more often. This alone would not have given him any cause for concern, however, there were other things, other clues… The times where it was just the two of them having a conversation and Noel could have sworn they were flirting with each other… or the touches, whether a reassuring hand on arm or a hug goodbye… all lasting that little bit longer as if they were reluctant to give up the contact. Of course all of these subtle indicators were nothing compared to the kiss. Their first kiss. OK, he thought, so not actually their first kiss. They had kissed loads of times before, drunken slobbery “I love you mate” night out kisses, kisses to make their friends laugh or to shock people. They’d even kissed on an episode of the show. But this was different. This wasn’t Howard & Vince. This wasn’t drunken mates having a laugh. This was… That was the problem, thought Noel, he didn’t know what it was.

It had been just another night out, celebrating something or other. They’d stumbled back to Noel’s flat late and drunk and passed out together on the sofa. So far so normal. It’s what they’d done dozens of times before.

Noel remembered waking up next to Julian. He was on his back, arm round Noel’s shoulder and head turned towards him, deep in sleep. Noel had smiled, this was the position they had fallen asleep in; too tired and drunk to move during the night.

Noel had watched him for a few minutes, chest rising and falling, deep and steady breaths. He had studied his face, the shape of his nose, his rough stubble – brown, he thought, but starting to show little flecks of grey. The contours of his lips… He suddenly felt the urge to kiss those lips. Without really realising what he was doing, body moving before the brain could comment, he had leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss. He moved back quickly, a mix of thoughts and sensations running through him at what he had done. Shock. Confusion. Exhilaration. Yearning. He leaned forward to kiss again, thinking “what the fuck am I doing” but at the same time unable to stop himself. This time Julian stirred. Lips moving slightly against Noel’s, eyes still closed, in that place between asleep and awake.

The kiss, gentle and exploring, continued for a few more seconds until Noel had felt Julian freeze – now fully awake and aware of where he was, what he was doing and, most importantly, who he was doing it with.

Noel froze too, unable even to breath. Panic had started to rise, thinking: what had he done? This was Julian. How would he react to the fact that he had woken up to find his long time, and straight, best friend kissing him? Noel had waited what felt like long minutes, but had probably been no more than a couple of seconds, when Julian, slowly and hesitantly moved forward placing his lips back on Noel’s.

They had kissed softly and unsurely at first, but the kisses soon became deeper, urgent. When Noel had felt Julian’s tongue on his he had let out an audible moan, grabbing Julian by the hair and pulling him even closer.

Julian shifted, pulling Noel on top of him, one hand in his hair the other on the small of his back. Noel could feel Julian’s hardness pressed against his thigh. Their tongues still exploring each others mouth, hungry and devouring.

Then Noel’s phone had rung.

The noise jolted them and they sprung apart, the spell broken. As Noel fumbled to find and answer his phone Julian got up and walked through to the bathroom. By the time Noel was finishing up the call Julian had come out of the bathroom and was putting on his jacket. They’d exchanged a quick and confused goodbye and then he was gone.

That had been just over a week ago and they hadn’t seen each other since. This wasn’t surprising as Julian had been off filming the second series of Nathan Barley. They had talked on the phone a couple of times, sorting out the arrangements for tonight, but neither of them had mentioned the kiss. What was weird, thought Noel, is that nothing was weird. Their conversations hadn’t felt stilted or awkward. They’d talked as they normally would. Just not mentioning the kiss.

He smiled to himself and shook his head, thinking of the fans reactions if they knew. There was already enough talk of “the elephant in the room, but now, he thought, the elephant is so big it is the room. There is no room, we are in the elephant but still not talking about it.

As he continued to get ready he was aware of an angry mob of butterflies charging around in his stomach. He was, he realised, nervous. It was one thing talking on the phone, but it was another thing to actually see each other again.

Noel arrived at the party late, the place already crowded and swarming with bodies. As he walked through the room he was met with countless people wanting to talk with him, congratulate him, buy him a drink, but his thoughts were focussed on Julian. He desperately wanted to see him but at the same time a small part of him dreaded it. What would he say? How should he act? He got himself a drink at the bar. He needed something to calm him down, relax him, but was conscious that he wanted to keep a clear head tonight. Needed to judge how he felt and how Julian acted without the clouding effect of too much alcohol or anything else.

It wasn’t long before he spotted him across the room, surrounded by people like he himself was. Julian had looked up and caught his eye, smiling. Noel smiled back, feeling those butterflies rampaging again.

This is how it had continued for the next hour or so, catching each other’s eye, shy smiles. Never the chance to get together, constantly separated by a crowd of friends and well-wishers. Noel wished he could banish everyone to leave only him and Julian in the room.

Eventually he saw Julian making his way towards him. They greeted each other with a customary smile and a bear-hug, Julian leaving his arm draped around Noel’s shoulder while he talked to the people Noel had been standing with. To the outside world it was a perfectly normal picture. The two friends as close as ever, but to Noel everything felt new and different. He felt Julian’s arm around him, conscious of everywhere they were touching and the effect it was having. It felt like electricity buzzing around him. Did Julian feel it too? He felt sure that he must. Sure that everyone in the room must be able to feel it. All too soon they were dragged away by other people wanting their time and attention, leaving them only with a lingering look towards each other as they separated.

And so it continued as before, kept apart and always surrounded by other people. More than once he had looked around and caught Julian looking at him from across the room with an unreadable expression on his face. Noel had began to despair of their ever having any time alone that night. As much as he feared it, he knew that he needed to talk to him, needed to at least spend some portion of the night in his company.

Julian had obviously been thinking the same thing, because later in the night as the crowd thinned out he came up behind Noel and said quietly in his ear “we need to talk” before leading him by the hand away from everyone.

They went into a room along the hallway from the main event. Noel looked around, it was a small room furnished with just a table, sofa and a couple of armchairs. Julian closed the door behind them, muffling the sounds of the party. They both sat on the sofa and at first neither of them spoke. Julian rubbed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair before taking a deep breath and said “we kissed last week, what the fuck was that about?” The words sounded harsh but his tone was gentle, enquiring. Noel stammered “I… em… well..” Lost for words he gave up, but Julian continued. “Something’s different, has been for a while now. This, us” he said gesturing between them “it’s not just me, you’ve noticed it too, I know you have.” Noel nodded but before he could say anything Julian spoke again. Asking the question that Noel had been asking himself over and over during the last week, but had been unable (or was that unwilling) to answer. “What would have happened if the phone hadn’t rung? How far would it have gone?”

The question hung over them both. The silence deafening until Noel couldn’t take it any longer and knew that he needed to do something, anything. Not trusting himself to speak, he put his hand on Julian’s which was resting on the back of the sofa. They both looked at the touching hands, almost curiously, as if this was a new and strange creature. Then suddenly they were kissing. Hard and urgent. All tongues and teeth and hot breath. And hands. “Oh god” thought Noel it felt like Julian’s hands were everywhere all at once – in his hair, down his back, on his face, in his hair again. He wanted them everywhere, it felt like there was no part of him that should go untouched. Then all too suddenly Julian put his hands on either side of Noel’s face and pulled out of the kiss. Noel tried to pull him back down to his lips, but he wouldn’t budge. Then he got up off the sofa and walked towards the door.

As Noel watched he felt disappointment flood his entire body, and tears threaten at his eyes. “Ju?” he said standing and looking towards him, then suddenly realising what it was Julian was doing. “Thought we’d better lock the door, you know, just in case” Julian said quietly before giving Noel one of his wolfish grins. That grin, thought Noel, so familiar and comfortable and so hot, so fucking hot. He quickly covered the small space in the room between them, pulling Julian to him kissing his lips before moving down to his jawline then neck, planting lots of small kisses on each area. Hearing Julian sigh in pleasure with each contact. But it wasn’t enough, not nearly enough. Entwined they half walked, half stumbled together back on to the sofa. Julian now on top of Noel.

He lifted up Noel’s T-shirt and ran his hands over his chest before replacing them with his lips. Noel held up his arms and lifted his back a little so Julian could remove the T-shirt and then, head back and eyes closed, savoured the sensation of Julian’s lips on his body, feeling his stubble scratching on his chest and tongue circling round his nipples. When he felt Julian rubbing over the bulge in his crotch he let out an involuntary yelp, then blushed at the fact. With his hands in Julian’s hair he pulled him up for a long, sensual kiss; their tongues twisting round each other. While all the time Julian’s hand continued to rub gently along Noel’s erection causing him to groan in pleasure into Julian’s mouth.

He felt dizzy with desire when he felt Julian tug at the waistband of his jeans, opening the button and slowly pulling down the zip. Julian fumbled as he tried to inch down Noel’s jeans, pulling away from the kiss to give it his full attention before muttering something that sounded to Noel like “fucking drainpipes”.

They looked at each other and laughed, breaking the tension.

They both sat up and Noel said “are we really going to do this”. It wasn’t a question, more an acknowledgement that they were about to cross over a line.

Julian pulled Noel towards him, hugging him tightly, then whispered in his ear “get those jeans off”.

Noel didn’t need to be told twice and quickly complied. He watched while Julian discarded his own shirt and trousers, swallowing at the first sight of Julian’s erection straining through the thin fabric of his shorts.

Now they were both naked, with Julian balanced over him covering his face in small kisses while snaking his hand slowly down Noel’s chest, naval, over his hipbone, moving tantalizing close to his cock. Noel moved his hips, desperate for the contact and when it came he gasped as he felt Julian’s hand encircle the base of his cock and start to move up and down; slowly at first, before settling in to an exquisite rhythm.

Noel was lost in the sensations running through him, and before too long he began to feel that familiar tightness in his balls, but he wasn’t ready, didn’t want to come yet. So he pulled away from Julian, moving off the sofa to kneel on the floor in front of him. Julian quickly understood Noel’s intentions and asked “you sure?” before sitting back. Noel nodded and ran his hands up the inside of Julian’s thighs and moving himself forward.

He left one hand at the top of Julian’s thigh and with the other held his cock gently, then licked the underside from base to tip, circling his tongue round the head before taking it into his mouth. He felt Julian tense and take a sharp breath, a hand grabbing roughly at Noel’s hair, urging him on. Noel kept his hand at the base of Julian’s cock, head moving over the shaft and sucking insistently before taking him into his mouth as far has he could, gagging a little until he got used to the sensation and cupping his hand round Julian’s balls at the same time.

Noel thought how new this all felt, but his ministrations seemed to be having the desired effect judging by the fact Julian was thrusting into his mouth and pushing down on his head; a stream of half-formed words spilling from him.

Then Julian tensed, pulling at Noel’s hair painfully and stuttered “I’m close, I’m gonna…” giving him some warning, but Noel kept his mouth firmly round Julian’s cock and it took only a few more seconds before Julian came, hard and fast and into his mouth.

Noel gingerly moved, feeling his knees painful against the hard floor, and let go of Julian’s spent cock. He swallowed a couple of times and then climbed back up to Julian who enveloped him in his arms and kissed him. Noel thought how Julian must be able to taste himself, but if he did, he clearly didn’t mind.

Noel was aware of his own, still hard, cock between them. As if reading his thoughts, Julian took it in his hand and resumed his earlier work.

It didn’t take long before Noel was panting and leaning heavily against Julian urging him on, bucking his hips into his hand before he climaxed, coming over Julian’s fist and onto both their stomachs unable to prevent himself from shouting out Julian’s name.

They lay together for a few minutes, coming down, breaths steadying. Noel looked around at their surroundings, forgotten until now. The small room. The thump of music. Muffled voices in the distance. Then he remembered where they were, at their own party.

He sat up and Julian followed. In the aftermath he felt shy and uncertain and looked to Julian for reassurance. Julian met his eyes with a smile, squeezed his hand and said “this feels right”.

With those words Noel felt all his uncertainty melt away.

They dressed and headed back out to join the party.

[nextpage title=”Chapter 2″]

Chapter 2

“This feels right.” That’s what Julian had said to him when this all started and it’s what Noel repeated to himself anytime he felt insecure or uncertain of what they were doing or where it was going.

It had been seven weeks since that night at the party and in many ways, thought Noel, it had been the best and the worst seven weeks of his life.

Finally being able to acknowledge his feelings, to himself and to Julian, and know that Julian felt the same way had been beyond incredible.

The first time they saw each again after the party, that afternoon when Julian had come round to Noel’s flat… just thinking about it was enough to make him hard.

Seven weeks of realising how much they wanted and needed each other; seven weeks of exploring each other’s bodies; seven weeks of… guilt.

Noel hadn’t expected to feel that way, but after the initial high of their first few meetings the reality of what they were doing began to creep in.

As they weren’t due to work on any Boosh-related projects until later in the year, there was no reason for them to be spending that amount of time together. So they were forced to make excuses. Deceiving the people they cared about, lying about where they were going or what they were doing when they were together. That the lies came to Noel so effortlessly and were met without question or suspicion just added to his guilt.

Julian didn’t tell him about the excuses he made up to get away to spend time together, and Noel didn’t ask. It was enough to deal with his own guilt, he didn’t think he could bear the burden of Julian’s too.

These thoughts passed through Noel’s mind as he waited for Julian to arrive. Julian usually came to Noel’s place. It was easier that way. Easier for Julian, fewer reminders of all the things that he was putting at risk by being with Noel.

He heard him at the door and all thoughts of guilt and lies and everything else that was bad ebbed away, as they always did. Their place in his head filled only with Julian and the anticipation seeing him again.

Noel opened the door and Julian came in, saying “I can only stay a couple of hours.”

Noel stepped back, registering his words, and said:

“‘I can only stay a couple of hours’, that’s the first thing you say to me? No ‘Hi Noel’ or ‘I’m happy to see you’ just ‘the clock’s ticking, lets get on with this’.”

He hadn’t meant it to come out so harshly, but Julian’s words had hurt and annoyed him.

He saw a flash of, what was it anger? annoyance? move across Julian’s face as he replied:

“Have you any idea what I had to do to get to see you today?”

Without missing a beat, he continued:

“I had to start an argument, pick a fake fight, just so I could storm off to ‘cool down’ for a couple of hours. It’s easier for you, your girlfriend’s touring half the time and you don’t have any child–”

Before he could finish the sentence Noel went over to him, wrapping his arms around him, burying his face into his neck and said “I’m sorry.” And he was. He knew that Julian had it tougher than he did, that he had more at stake.

He felt Julian’s muscles relax as he returned the hug. They stood leaning into each other, arms wrapped round tightly, until Noel felt Julian squeezing his bum before he stepped back and, smiling, said:

“Hi Noel. I’m happy to see you.”

They walked through to the living room together and settled on the sofa, catching-up with what they had been doing in the short time since they last saw each other.

As they were talking Noel thought how he was so relieved that they could still just be like this with each other. Still share their stories, still make each other laugh. And the rest? Well, that just added to their relationship, a new and wonderful dimension.

Yes, thought Noel, it was good that they could still talk to each other, as Julian leaned over and began kissing his neck and nibbling at his ear, talk clearly not high on his current list of priorities.

Noel pulled Julian up towards the bedroom while he simultaneously tried to undress him and kiss him. Not paying attention to where he was walking, he stumbled and fell onto the stairs, toppling Julian down with him, both laughing. They made it into the bedroom having discarded the remainder of their clothes en route.

Afterwards, as they lay together Noel was amazed, as he always was at these times, how easily they fitted together lying there, curled round each other like pieces of a 3D jigsaw. He could have lain like that for hours, skin touching skin, head gently rising and falling as it rested on Julian’s chest. However, he knew that Julian would need to go soon. Knew it was harder for him, being the one who usually had to leave. It was hard for Noel too. He never felt so empty as he did immediately after Julian left him. Thinking about when they would next meet, like some kind of addict focussed on his next fix.

He saw Julian look at his watch and Noel toyed briefly with making some petulant comment. Instead he pushed himself up onto one elbow and said softly “you should probably think about heading home.”

Julian pulled Noel into an embrace and said “five more minutes.”

They lay together for a few more minutes before Julian finally extracted himself and went for a shower. After saying their goodbyes Noel lay back down, drinking in the scent of Julian that was still on his skin and in his bed.

His thoughts turned to the next time they would meet. This time, not the usual worry of when it would be, how soon until they could get away again. He knew where and when. His birthday celebrations. Planned weeks ago and impossible to get out of. It would be the first time they would be out together with their partners and friends since the affair started.

Affair.

Noel baulked at the word even as he thought it, but couldn’t deny it. What else did you call sneaking around behind your girlfriend’s back to have sex with another person?

Love?

He left his own question unanswered.

The night of his birthday came round quickly, time marching forward in haste in that frustrating way it does when you’re not looking forward to something.

He’d spoken to Julian of course, they’d shared their concerns. As he suspected, Julian seemed more anxious than he did, personality bordering on neurotic at the best of times. How should they act? When people saw them together would they be able to tell that something had changed? Maybe he wouldn’t go? No, that would be even more obvious. And so on and so on. Noel tried to reassure him as best he could. No one would suspect, why should they? Just be yourself, it was only one night. He hoped he sounded more certain than he felt.

When he got to the club Julian was already there and it quickly became obvious how Julian had decided to cope with his stresses about the night. Get blindingly drunk.

Noel could see that he was having some kind of disagreement with Julia. They both saw Noel looking at them and Julia came over and hugged him, wishing him a happy birthday, then nodding her head in Julian’s direction said “I don’t know what’s got into him lately, can you have a word, he’s more likely to tell you than me” before turning to greet Dee.

Noel went over to Julian and took him outside the club and down the alleyway that ran alongside until they were away from the sight of the doormen.

“What are you doing, look at you, how much have you had to drink and it’s not even 10pm?” His words were kindly said, but Julian immediately slumped to the ground and said “I can’t do this. I can’t be around you and pretend that nothing’s changed.”

Noel kneeled down beside him and Julian continued, saying all the things that until now they’d been so careful not to speak to each other about. “Things are a mess at home. I feel like I can’t sleep or eat. Every time I open my mouth another lie comes out. My own skin feels like it doesn’t fit me anymore.”

As he finished he looked utterly dejected, staring at his feet and refusing to meet Noel’s eye.

Noel put his hand gently under Julian’s chin, lifting his face until their eyes met and said “Are you saying to want to end things between us?” Feeling sick to his stomach even as he asked.

Julian grabbed both his arms and said “No. Don’t even say that” before pulling Noel close to him then whispering into his hair “don’t say that.”

Noel said “It’s hard for me too. I wish it was just the two of us with nothing and no one else to worry about. But you can still talk to me about what’s going on in your head. You’re my best friend and I hate seeing you like this. We’ll get some time together next week and we can talk about it, yeah?”

Julian nodded and seemed to gather himself and they both stood up. Noel smiled and said in an upbeat tone, that he didn’t necessarily feel, “come on, we’d better get back inside. I’m the birthday-boy, I need to mingle.” A thin smile crept across Julian’s face, not quite making it up to his eyes, and they headed back into the club.

In the end it was Noel who broke things off.

They’d continued for another month after the party, but Noel couldn’t bear to watch Julian disintegrate in front of his eyes. He knew that what they had together, no matter how much they both wanted or needed it, was not worth what it was costing Julian. Torn between his family commitments and Noel; the impossible situation steadily eating away at his peace of mind.

He knew that Julian wouldn’t (couldn’t) end things and that he would have to be strong enough for the two of them.

He had broken it off ten days ago. He remembered Julian’s face, smiling in disbelief at first, until realising that Noel wasn’t joking. Noel had talked quickly trying to get across all the words he’d practiced, trying to explain how he felt and why he was doing what he was doing. How it would be better for them both. How it was selfish of Noel to want this when Julian had his family to consider. How important it was to him that their friendship survived this. How a little time would be all they’d get back to the way things were. All this plus many other words he’d hoped Julian believed more than he himself did.

Julian hadn’t said a word, he had just sat there staring straight ahead. Noel couldn’t even tell if he was listening to his agonizingly chosen words. After Noel had ran out of things to say they had sat in silence. The first uncomfortable silence he could remember them ever having. Tears streaming down Noel’s face, Julian’s blank and unreadable. After about half an hour Julian had got up and walked out ignoring Noel’s plea to stay and talk to him.

It had been the longest ten days. Dee was in Europe which was probably just as well, because how would he have explained the state he was in. He felt Julian’s absence like a physical pain, deep in the pit of his stomach. He made excuses to avoid seeing his friends. He didn’t want to be alone, but couldn’t bear the thought of being in company. Wanted to get wasted, escape from his own head, but also took perverse pleasure in the pain, feeling that it kept him still close to Julian in some way. Constantly on the brink of phoning him. Getting as far as dialing the number before hanging up without hitting the call button.

Noel knew he couldn’t trust himself to call yet, it was too soon. Knew that if he spoke to Julian now he’d try to take back all his words, beg Julian to forgive him for saying them and to come back to him. As the days had passed he’d become less certain that he’d made the right decision. But he told himself that was just pain and loneliness and selfishness talking, but with each day it became harder to believe

He hoped, rather than believed, that time was all they needed and they be able to get back to how they used to be.

He passed another couple of days in this state before his restlessness had taken over, he felt claustrophobic in the flat, needed to get out. That it was after midnight when he got ready to leave didn’t matter; this was London, there was always somewhere to go.

As he walked out the door he saw a figure sitting on the steps. It was Julian. He looked up as he heard Noel approach.

Noel took a moment to recover from the shock of seeing him there, conscious of his heart pumping furiously in his chest.

He went down and sat beside him. He didn’t know what to say, where to start. So, for the sake of saying something he asked “how long have you been out here?” Julian shrugged “a while, I don’t know.”

He turned to look at him properly and Noel saw his own face reflected in Julian’s. Unshaven, tired, wretched.

“I tried” said Julian. “I tried to put all this behind me, make more of an effort at home. Thought I could do it, even if it was at the expense of us.” Noel made to interrupt, but Julian shook his head and continued “I thought that deep down there’d be a part of me that would be relieved that you’d ended it and that it’d get easier if I didn’t speak to you or see you.”

“But you’re here” said Noel. “Yeah, I’m here” he replied.

“Were you planning on coming in?” He didn’t answer.

“Come in… please” said Noel rising from the steps. Julian looked up at him, as if debating whether to move, before standing up and following Noel back into the house.

Julian sat on the sofa while Noel busied himself in the kitchen making tea. He knew that neither of them really wanted a drink, but he needed to take a few minutes on his own to at least try to compose himself and to process everything that was going through his mind. Julian was here. He thought of all the reasons why he’d broken things off, what they had been risking, but everything came back to one fact: Julian was here.

He took the tea through to the living room and sat down on the other end of the sofa.

Julian startled slightly as if Noel’s return had interrupted his thoughts, then took the cup Noel offered and stared into it for a few minutes before putting it, untouched, on the floor.

Eventually Julian spoke. “I’ve moved out.”

“What? Why… when?” stuttered Noel, surprise etched all over his face.

“A couple of days ago. We both thought it was for the best. At least for a while, see how things go….” he trailed off.

“I’m sorry” said Noel. “We really fucked things up, didn’t we.” He moved forward slightly and put his hand on Julian’s arm.

Julian covered it with his own and said in a quiet voice “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

“I really thought that not seeing you would be enough to get over this, that everything would go back to normal. But the only time I ever feel like my normal self is when I’m with you.”

Noel listened and then replied, carefully, “I thought breaking it off would be the best thing for you, for both of us….”

“But?” prompted Julian.

“I was wrong. We can’t go back to being just friends, I know that now. And I know it’s not what I want.”

“What do you want?”

Noel moved forward and took Julian’s hands in his.

“I need to hear you say it” said Julian

“I want you.”

Noel put his hand on Julian’s cheek, before kissing him softly on the lips and said “I need you.”

They kissed, tongues intertwining, and it felt to Noel like everything had been righted in a previously skewed universe.

He tugged ineffectually at the buttons on Julian’s shirt, before giving up and pulling it over his head and then quickly removing his own top. Needing to feel skin on skin. He ran his hands across Julian’s shoulders and chest and around to his back, letting his nails drag gently down towards his waistband, fingers skirting under the fabric. Julian groaned softly before unbuckling Noel’s belt and pulling down his trousers to below his knee, then using his foot to push them the rest of the way down. Noel flashed back to that first night, remembering Julian struggling to remove his too-tight jeans.

Julian moved off the sofa and took off Noel’s boots allowing him to remove his jeans completely. He ran his hand once across Noel’s erection before swiftly removing his pants, then took him into his mouth. Noel sank back into the sofa, spreading his legs, fingers gripping into the fabric, focussing on the feeling of Julian’s mouth on his cock, Julian who knew exactly how he liked it, knew how to drive him wild.

As good as it felt, Noel knew he wanted more, needed to feel Julian inside him. He put his hands in Julian’s hair and pulled him up saying “I need you inside me.”

They made their way to the bedroom and Noel fetched the lubricant from the drawer in nightstand as Julian took off his own trousers. Noel came up behind him and snaked an arm around his chest, kissing his back. Julian spun round and pulled Noel to him, kissing him fiercely while pushing them both towards the bed.

Noel lay back on the bed, Julian leaning over him, looking at him with such intensity as though he could see through his skin into the centre of him. They kissed again before Julian moved, slowly making his way down Noel’s chest, kissing and licking and gently biting at the skin on his way down. A shiver of anticipation went through Noel as he heard Julian uncap the tube of lubricant and smear some onto his fingers. Then his mouth was on his cock again, sucking firmly while at the same he circled his arse with a finger, before slowly pushing in and pulling out again then adding another. His fingers moved in and out, pace and depth increasing each time, then crooked both fingers inside, causing Noel to reflexively raise his hips and shout out “now, I need you in me now.”

Julian slow removed his fingers and reached for the lube, but Noel beat him to and said with a smile “let me” before squeezing some out onto his fingers and slathering it over Julians cock. Julian inhaled at his touch, and Noel spent longer than was strictly necessary rubbing the lube over. Finally satisfied with his work Noel lay back down grabbing a pillow and pushing it under his back in practiced anticipation.

Julian held Noel’s leg, pushing it up so his knee was almost pressing against his chest. Noel felt his cock against his arse, Julian pushing gently until he started to slide in.

Noel held his breath as Julian pushed in steadily, looking at Noel for reassurance. Noel nodded and Julian began thrusting at a steady pace, Noel’s arms round his neck pulling him closer, raising his hips to meet Julian’s thrusts both of them groaning in pleasure.

“God” thought Noel “how could I have ever thought I could do without this, do without Julian?”

Pushing faster and deeper, Julian adjusted his angle, and Noel felt it as he hit his prostate for the first time and said “God, Ju…” unable to finish the thought, let alone words. He reached his hand down to touch his own cock but Julian pushed his hand away instead encircled it with his own hand and began stroking him in rhythm with his thrusts, all the while continuing to hit Noel in that perfect place. Noel felt himself getting close and from Julian’s increasingly jerky movements knew that he must be close too.

He pulled Julian him down to kiss him as he felt his build up reach it’s peak and it was all he could do was hold tightly onto Julian as he came.

This seemed to tip Julian over the edge and it was only a few more thrusts before Noel felt him stiffen then shout out before collapsing on top of him.

They lay like that for a few moments until Julian rolled off and lay beside him, both their bodies slick with sweat.

Noel knew that he couldn’t ever do without Julian, that he needed him more than anything or anyone else, knew that Julian felt the same way.

He knew it would be complicated. Knew they would have to hurt the people they cared about. Knew that they would have to be upfront with people, that they couldn’t go on hiding this, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

There would be difficult times ahead, but all of that could wait because at this moment all that mattered was that Julian was here.

He reached for Julian’s hand and squeezing it said “this feels right.”

samjen

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Chapter 1

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samjen

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