Blockade

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Julian and Noel get writer's block while writing in America leading to all types of things I haven't dreamed up yet.

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Notes: Julian and Noel are supposed to be writing the movie script in America on a two week holiday. Towards the end, things get tense when no ideas are flowing and emotions are running high. Will they get through writer’s block, pent up emotions, internal conflict and past encounters to enjoy themselves? I think so.

*this is my first. i had no plan whatsoever. i just wrote it as it came, and here it is. i hope u like it, read it, review it, and maybe i’ll try this again.*

Also, I hold no claim to Ju, Noel, Russ or anything/anyone Boosh. This is pure fiction. No infringement or offense intended and I fully disclaim it all!

[nextpage title=”Chapter 1″]

Chapter 1

Author’s Notes: Writer’s block hits Julian and Noel.

Pen tapping. Side to side, up and down pivoting on a fulcrum middle finger, the sound began to mimic a cry for help from the blue plastic. Coupled with the crunching of the cap under a canine, Julian felt as if he was watching a crime be committed. He could see the excitement and nerves rising off of his shoulders in fuzzy waves like a car sitting in summer heat.

It had been an hour since Julian took his break and Noel hadn’t even looked up from his sketchbook to offer anything. Words, scenarios, imagery. Anything would have been helpful since this was supposed to be a “brainstorming session”.

Brainstorm. A term he was never really okay with in the first place but it had been drilled into his head by the “higher ups”. The term itself set off all types of imagery of lightning bolts, cauldrons, and zombies which was neither helpful or truly relevant but somehow this is what he was supposed to be doing with his partner in crime. His ace, his twin, that never needed to rely on preset times to formulate their particular brand of genius. There is something to be said of chemistry that has nothing to do with science and defies most logic. But seeing the tension plaguing his other half made him wonder if he was feeling the pressure of schedules and formulas even more than Julian was.

Sitting, pretzel legged and hunched over, darkened fringe blocking out all periphery, Noel never saw him tip toeing to sneak a peek at his sketchpad and surely didn’t anticipate Julian’s hands on his shoulders. Julian knew quickly that he was clenching his teeth as the vein in Noel’s neck pulsed, taut and enraged. Like a paternal automaton, Julian began to hum and rubbing Noel’s shoulders underneath his slightly clammy aqua tee.

Finally. A sigh. A sound.

Noel loosened his grip. Hostage pen and writer were released. Julian bent down past Noel’s hair, his scruffy beard sliding along his neck to finally see the hallowed brilliance of the page that had taken an hour’s tinkering.

Blank.

He felt a huff pushed out of him at the sight and with that he felt Noel’s eyes open. He didn’t look up though. The blank page was even more entrancing than those ever-captivating ceruleans of his.

Noel followed the line of Julian’s eye. He knew the spell he was under. Magnetized to the blank page that mirrored their current mental state.

With both of their minds switched off, their physical senses heightened and their heads snapped to lock eyes as they realized how close together they really were.

“Soooo…”

“Yea, I know. The wonderkid has nothing? What is the world coming to?”

Julian lifted himself back up to his feet while patting Noel on the shoulders. He hadn’t meant to make him feel bad but something had to fill that silence. Even twins can feel awkward. Noel pulled for the ceiling as Julian leaned to stretch his weary muscles as well.

This is bullshit.

Both thought it as their eyes met mid stretch. Noel finished the thought aloud.

“It feels too unnatural. I mean I know we have a movie to write, but this ain’t us.”

“I know.”

Julian threw Noel’s coat to him and nodded for the door. Noel grasped his arm, smiling like a child with the best candy after trick or treating, and skipped to Julian’s resumed humming.

They silently made it down the block to the park where they strolled on autumn days like this. They were enjoying the breeze, the crumpling sound of leaves who met their graves as sunlight danced off every shiny surface to celebrate coming from behind the silvery clouds, when Noel finally asked…

“What the hell is a brainstorm anyway?”

He couldn’t help but laugh as Noel proceeded on a fabulously hilarious rant on what a brainstorm would actually look like. Julian tuned in when he heard, “Do you think we could brew a brainstorm, like in a cauldron you know, real old school like. Like those Salem witches but with lightning bolts like Zeus. But we could rain dance like chiefs! That would be genius! The feathers and smoke… But then who would ask for such a thing?”

They both looked at each other and just like taking a breath in unison said, “‘Zombies.”

Noel continued on talking of how amazing raining brains would be for zombies and pondered what compensation they would get from them.

“Entrails are completely unacceptable currency. I mean what would we make with that! But perhaps eyeballs would be good. They always want those in witchy curse recipes don’t they, Ju?”

Julian nodded absentmindedly as Noel continued on. He was too engulfed in relief that their powers were still in tact.

He never worried when it was just the two of them. Or other members of the gang but with bigger audiences and expectations came more voices. More and more terminology that wasn’t their language that confused how they work. It was making them hesitate. They knew it would be this way the more popular the show became but now the pressure to take their creation to its natural conclusion was real.

And oddly enough, when things became a bit too real, the two just grabbed their coats and walked. Their most simple of remedies for overactive brains and blistering writer’s block felt honest and easy. Well not so easy, since they were recognizable everywhere they went and if it wasn’t flashes, it was pointing fingers or flip phones that invaded their time.

But the beauty of America was that no one knew yet. No one knew of the cult stars walking in their midst and they could get lost in the trails of orange and yellow of the autumn afternoon without as much as an “Excuse me.”

[nextpage title=”Chapter 2″]

Chapter 2

Author’s Notes: Julian surprises Noel and then someone surprises him. *dun dun dun*

Their walks weren’t quiet. They could never be around each other. Laughter was infectious with Noel. He passes it along with the gleam of his smile and through the vibrations of his sides. It was chilly that day so he stayed near, as his shirt was still damp from his hour-long stand off from earlier.

Julian marveled at the scenery and Noel kept eyeing other people, with a smile to not seem creepy, but steadily thinking “Do you know me? Please, please don’t recognize me.”

When he received nothing more than stares, nods, and the gregarious wave of a toddler with brown smoke hair like the man at his side, he couldn’t help but sigh and pull Julian closer. He liked it here.

Julian worked his way to a bench underneath a large yellowed tree, whose leaves seemed to dance in the now all-encompassing sunshine as clouds had gone to lunch.

“Is it midday? I’m getting hungry.”

“I thought you would say that.”

Julian pulled away to walk behind the bench and revealed a basket. Noel tried his hardest not to swoon, but he was impressed. Julian was always considerate but he really needed this surprise today. Also because he tended to be the more domestic one, so he delighted at Julian setting the scene for their afternoon lunch in the park.

Noel thought it had become too quiet when Julian was on his “break” but he was too busy being taunted by that blank sheet of paper and blue pen. At least he could torture the pen but the paper still had it coming when Julian came back. His timing was impeccable and the whole situation diffused without too much damage. The thoughts began to flow freely again as soon as his feet hit the pavement.

It only worked when Ju was there. But the pauses in between bites are drawn out with the ideas they can’t come up with. Yet he can see in Julian’s eyes that this is not intended to be another bloody “brainstorming session”. This was lunch and it wasn’t going to be “fruitful” or “productive” but who gives a fuck?

The luxury of their position was time and control. With every bite, every distraction of other adult runaways or children who wanted to say “Hey” to the man with the “shiny lady hair” or tap the bearded man they called “Mister” with respect as they asked for their ball back, Noel relaxed and enjoyed his post meal euphoria. Blank pages can wait and besides, inspiration is usually around a corner.

“I am stuffed.”

“Good surprise?”

“Awesome surprise.”

Noel stretched out, using his jacket as a pillow. The sun had come out to play and the tree above their heads looked like a burning bush or phoenix wings or perhaps it was Big Bird. Yep that was it. His mind worked in visual overhaul and everything looked like something. And the fun thing was figuring out exactly what that thing was.

Julian knew that smile. “What is it?”

“Big Bird.” He jutted his head upwards.

Julian didn’t even have to turn to look. “I knew you would figure it out.”

Noel offered to clean up as Julian peered skyward leaning against the Big Bird tree. He bundled up everything and began to strut down the trail to find the bins. The one thing that did get annoying to Noel about here was getting lost. There were no signs around and the people that had been the nicest to him today were long gone or small children and he wouldn’t dare approach them. He already looked weird enough and they were attracted to his hair. He could hear it now, “Brit Noel Fielding traps young kids with shiny hair!” And he wasn’t going to risk the trail where the punishment would obviously be the loss of… He couldn’t even think it. Noel quickly put his free hand into his hair and ruffled it like feathers with a reassuring caress.

“Restrooms. Hmm?” Noel read and looked to the side of the shanty building dubbed the lavatories to behold a “dumpster.” Noel liked that term actually. And just as he was to turn on his silver heel to chuckle about it he gasped, as he realized he wasn’t alone. A broad body pressed him back up against the side of the dumpster before he could see the face. A hand clasped over his mouth tightly, as he exhaled forcefully, knowing his ribs would ache from the pressure of the sharp edge. Noel can feel the man breathing behind him. He was just standing there.

He began to lean Noel back into him and off of the dumpster, almost like an apology. Still no words. Just deep breathing. Which was calming Noel even though he knew what could happen to him right now. Julian would be left waiting for him.

He didn’t struggle. He knew that wouldn’t help, but the thought of Julian caused a slow tear to roll down his cheek onto the hand of his silent captor. Noel knew he would feel it. He hoped that maybe this person couldn’t cope with victim tears and would let him go.

[nextpage title=”Chapter 3″]

Chapter 3

Author’s Notes: A new man enters the mix. No worries, its a familiar face.

His scent was intoxicating. It was filling his lungs to the brim with peaches. He knew him to be as sweet, and as juicy for that matter, as the fruit that emanated from his luscious hair. His right hand felt a tear roll over his thumb and it pained him to think that his former lover no longer recognized his touch. It had been ages but he had hoped that their trysts in alleys, dank cubicles, and murky booths in discreet restaurants hadn’t been only his to savor.

He may be rough at times but Russ never intended to hurt Noel so he leaned back even further to bring Noel away from the smelly dumpster. He knew that in his temporary anonymity he could do anything to Noel. Thoughts of storming the “restroom,” shutting off the lights and having his way were quite tempting. They were single occupancy and unoccupied at the moment since that is where he had come when he noticed the raven-haired gent.

But too much time had elapsed now, and he had a sinking feeling that Noel was really afraid. Passed being pleasantly shocked or surprised. He thought of his first words carefully. This was important because Noel could be really nasty if provoked.

“Don’t kill me, just missed you and I know you like surprises, and was shocked to see you and shit, don’t kill me.”

Russell held his breath in preparation for the heel of a boot to meet his balls and he let his hand drop.

Noel stepped forward, straightened his shirt, wiped his face, ruffled his hair, and turned to face him. His chest began to burn, as he was still uncertain of Noel’s response when finally Noel smiled at him. Just as he let out a sigh and smiled back, Noel’s hand was gripped to his neck. With him being shorter than Russ, he had the perfect angle to stop his breathing again.

The smile had never left Noel, even as he could see the wincing and fear on Russell’s face.

“I know you like surprises too. How’s this one working out for you?”

He sounded cold and indifferent. Then just as quickly as it had risen, his hand dropped.

“You scared the shit out of me Russ. Where did you come from anyway?!”

“I was in the lavvy. I’m sorry, mate. I was just so surprised to see you and remembered all of the old times together, you know…”

Even though Noel seemed less apt to kill him, he still didn’t seem too interested in his company.

“Yeah I know. It’s okay. Haven’t forgotten how kinky you are.” They both chuckled and made their way back down the path.

“Well you know I always had a thing for that peach shampoo. You know I love peaches. Where did you come from? I didn’t even know you were here.”

“Me and Ju are here to write the script for the film. Needed an escape, you know.”

“Yeah it really bugged me that whole not being famous thing but it does give you more time. But I’m happy you guys are finally getting a film together. Its been ages!”

They continued talking about being in America and films since Russ was getting more and more offers from big names wanting to ride the oncoming wave of popularity.

“Oi!”

They abruptly turn in the direction of the very recognizable interruption to see Julian standing in the middle of the path, some way ahead of them looking relieved.

“Don’t you go trying to steal him again, Brand!” He barely made it through the statement without laughing.

Russell donned his wide kid-like smile in response, grabbed Noel by the neck again “Better put a leash on ‘im then!”

Noel jutted him hard with his elbow, reminding Russ quickly that the smaller man could still take him out if needed.

“So when did I become the class pet?”

Russ began stroking his hair lovingly and Julian countered with a two handed belly rub/tickle. They hadn’t been able to be that touchy feely in the middle of park in the broad daylight before. It was nice. They felt like a group of kids who had snuck away from the adults, and made up their own game. The one thing Russ liked about playing with the Boosh is that there were no rules.

[nextpage title=”Chapter 4″]

Chapter 4

Author’s Notes: Julian gets jealous and seeks to provoke Noel.

Something snapped as soon as he saw him. Walking closely and eyeing him up and down. Chuckling like always, lost in his spell. He knew all too well how that felt, but he had never crossed the line that had been completely erased between the two friends who approached.

He wasn’t angry with Russ, it was really Noel who was causing his blood to boil. He pushed it down to greet them both with lightheartedness, but when Russ gave him an opening to lay his hands on a victim Noel, he could not resist. He wanted to touch him. To mark him as his tickling fingers dug into his ribs. Just enough to make him jerk and wince.

All he needed was a reaction.

He behaved and entertained the duo all the while planning how he was going to push Noel right over the edge.

“So when’d you fuck him?”

Noel spun around on his heel, with a scrunched face of shock.

“Don’t look at me like that… when?”

He shut his mouth and tried to think of how to answer but his mind was flooded with questions. They had just come from a lovely time in the park and now this. For once, he was ready to work but clearly Julian was not.

The longer he waited to speak the closer he drifted in until Noel’s back was against the door. He winced as the knob dug into his lower back.

“Still gonna deny it? I think I deserve to know.”

Finally something to fight against.

“You deserve to know. Deserve? “ He adjusts his stance, pushing off the door, and turning his back to Julian as he took off his jacket.

“I don’t have to tell you a thing. All you deserve right now is a–”

“What?” Julian spun him back around and slammed him into the door.

There is darkness in his eyes Noel had never seen before. His breathing quickened as he waited for him to make his next move.

“What do I deserve, hm?” Noel was shaking now. His jacket hung from his wrists, leaving his arms useless, under Julian’s grasp. They traveled up Noel’s shoulders to his chest, resting over his heart.

“Did you quiver like this for him?”

Noel could feel himself reacting to his words and Julian’s hands knew exactly where to go. One hand went upwards to cup his face while the other went down pressing firmly over his stomach, pushing the air right out of him.

“Did he make it hard for you to breathe?”

One mention of the word hard and Noel went limp and stiff at the same time.

“Ju…”

Julian stroked his cheek and thigh simultaneously. Rhythmic patterns that matched Noel’s shallow breaths. The closeness and restriction was killing him.

“Do I deserve this Noel?”

He finally touched him and Noel let out a drawn out gasp, that was cut short by Julian’s hand sliding from his cheek to his throat.

“Do you know how hard it was for me to sit there and act ignorant. To know he had part of you that I hadn’t. That you would even give it to him!”

The words hurt to finally be said aloud but the firm movements of his hand had Noel in a haze. His body betrayed the pain in his words as Julian leaned forward and Noel felt how aroused he was.

“What makes you think I gave him anything? Maybe it was him giving up something to me?” Noel whispered into Julian’s ear while thrusting his hips forward into the looming older man.

Julian backed away to look into his face. Noel grinned and leaned in to kiss curve of his neck, and Julian slapped him to the ground.

Noel couldn’t even look at him. He hid behind his hair, as Julian had backed away.

“You think that makes it better. Such a stupid slag. I cannot believe I thought you could be more.”

With those last words, Julian slumped onto the steps, rubbing the back of his neck with his eyes fixated upon Noel on the floor like a discarded crumpled piece of paper. He had marked all over him, now all he had to do was wait for the reaction he knew was coming.

[nextpage title=”Chapter 5″]

Chapter 5

Author’s Notes: Things go a bit, well quite, unexpectedly.

Silence filled the foyer, building with every second. Was this the first time?

No. But then why did every expected reaction not occur as Julian anticipated.

No curses, no cheeky insults, no storming out, no apologies. He just lay there like a broken toy with its voice box ripped out. He couldn’t sit and watch but neither could he console. That would connote regret or guilt and he felt neither. He felt nothing.

Not bothered enough to walk out the door Noel was currently blocking but just enough to retreat. The upstairs bathroom would have to be his solace.

His eyes squeezed shut, tight to allow him to focus. The stinging of his face, the bruises beginning to form on his wrists and shoulders, the humming of his crotch, the breath trying to reach his lungs but failing… all distracted the ever pressing matter of his hearing. He needed to hear every step that bastard took up those stairs. Noel didn’t even shift his position once he knew Julian was gone. He wanted to remain still because maybe that would make everything stop.

He knew he rarely tapped into his full mental capacity and now he wished he could transport himself so that he were walking amongst the yellow and orange again. He wanted sunlight and breezes, not the oncoming thunder twisting through his body. It hadn’t happened in a while but his body didn’t know that. It picked up the steps like a dance his muscles remembered and almost seemed to miss as he slinked upward like a lazy feline.

He slid the jacket off, folded it cleanly, laid it over the banister. Nonchalantly, he leaned over, cocking his head to the left, to see the light from the bathroom.

Hot water running.

He couldn’t help but smirk. The pleasure of his current position allowed him not to register the pain of his cheek. He made his way down the hall, past the mirror into the kitchen and in his swift movement appeared as a black streak.

The knife of choice was the largest he could find, a chef’s knife he believed its called. He caught a glimpse of himself in the glimmering silver blade. The redness was starting to spread all over his left side to give him a unbalanced glowing flush. He smiled. Julian’s passion was all over his face.

He thought quickly of how to reciprocate. The knife would be handy, yes, but that wasn’t enough. The water running reminded him he was on a timetable.

“Fuck it.”

His aqua tee hit the floor, in mid stride he left his sliver boots in the hallway. Keep the jeans though, he paused to think at the bottom of the stairs.

He took one last look at the door, walked over slowly to deadbolt it. Quick as a flash, Noel leapt from step to step, careful to keep his grip on the black knife handle, and to avoid all the creaky steps Julian had traversed.

He smiled childishly once at the top, as he knew he hadn’t made a sound and he could no longer hear the water. Silence filled the hallway like the steam escaping from the bathroom door. He followed in Julian footsteps, decisively.

He squeezed his eyes shut, listening to every shuffle, every breath, every movement, as his hand pumped around the blunt handle.

He was ready. Thud, thud with the handle on the door.

A huff, almost a groan. Click.

Devilish grin and his teary blue eyes popped open.

“Look, No–”

Thud.

Groan.

Crash.

Chuckle.

Sigh.

Click.

[nextpage title=”Chapter 6″]

Chapter 6

Author’s Notes: Noel’s in control… on the outside anyways.

Julian awoke to cold water being flicked in his face repetitively. Noel had grown weary of waiting for him to wake on his own and preceded to taunt him like a child would a kitten. The first thing he could recognize visually was Noel’s smile, followed quickly by his eyes that seemed not to reflect like usual. They were empty.

The only true connection he felt to him at that moment was the purplish reminder of his fingerprints on Noel’s neck. The redness of his cheek receded but all Julian could see was a vandalized canvas. He couldn’t reconcile his guilt with the fear and anger he felt at the man currently tormenting him.

“Could you stop that?… I’m AWAKE!”

Noel desisted, left with the pleasure of watching him trying to get up from the bathtub. He had fallen back so harshly that his feet were dangling just off the ground and his shoulders hung up by his ears. There was no way to rise gracefully or effortlessly, Julian eventually settled on just lying there as Noel seemed to have no intentions of letting either of them leave.

Left without an exit, he decided to check his wounds. He could feel the bruises forming on his back and temple. It hurt when he blinked as a knot formed over his right eye.

Noel hadn’t said a word to him yet. He just sat, back on the door, knees tucked in front of him, knife at his side just beneath his anxious fingers. Julian tried to not to bring attention to the blade since Noel didn’t seem apt to use it. Not yet anyway. No need to remind him of his advantage anymore than it was already obvious.

Julian’s eyes shifted from the knife up to Noel’s bare chest and slowly upward until he caught his eyes again as he was hoping to see his friend there.

Not yet. He would have to engage this one instead. The silence was killing him. But what to say? He couldn’t really be angry for retaliation, he was expecting that, but he did not think this Noel was coming out to play. He wanted him to be frisky, not mental. And though he was truly concerned about what was happening to Noel, he had to wonder if he was going to make it out of this room.

The man sitting before him didn’t look like one with a plan. Yet he still wanted to know.

“What are you going to do me?”

“Well…” he sat up, fixing his posture exposing his porcelain skin and shaking his hair like he was very proud of what he was about to say “I have some ideas but I am more interested in what you think you deserve?”

That last word rung in Julian’s ears. He hadn’t forgotten what he had done to him, but he just couldn’t conceive how it had ended up here. All he wanted to do was spend the afternoon with him, be the only one with his attention, to be the receiver of his sideway glances and subtle touches. To be the reaction to his action.

But that ugly green characteristic barreled through to the forefront and now he was presented with all of the Hitcher tendencies buried deep in Noel. All the vileness he pooled into that persona was now aimed at Julian for pushing the wrong buttons, way too hard. He really couldn’t blame him.

Julian didn’t feel empty anymore.

He wanted so much to coerce the sweetness back out of Noel. To apologize and wrap his arms around him. To feel the pain he must have caused. He just wanted to go back. But he was forced to offer up an answer as he feared what Noel may come up with on his own if he continued to hesitate.

Full to the brim with emotion he swallowed and said, “Noel, I wanna say…”

“What was that?!” Noel stood to his feet quickly. “Speak up.”

“I want to say that I apologize.” Julian said it quickly unsure of his next move.

His head was beginning to throb and he was growing more and more uncomfortable in that position.

“You apologize. Well that’s nice but completely inconsequential because that is not what I asked you. Was it?”

Now Noel was at the edge of the bath, his hands on Julian’s knees. He had left the knife by the door. Julian gazed past his captor to notice.

“Oh don’t worry bout her, she does not want to hurt you. That’s me who wants that.” He dug his fingers into his knees.

“But I am not above being persuaded,” his eyes began to roam over Julian’s body that was only covered by an open shirt and pants. “So what is it, then?”

“I don’t know what I deserve. I don’t even know what I could suggest that would satisfy you. “ Noel’s eyebrow jerked at the word “satisfy.”

He liked Julian at his whim. Looking at the state of him, he seemed in a lot of pain already, so he thought of what else he could do. All of the violence he wanted to inflict not five minutes ago had seemed to subside as he watched an unconscious Julian. He fought through the hazy thoughts of broken mirrors, boiling hot water, cuts, carvings, bruises, and punches to remember what he was doing and the man he was thinking of doing it to. His emotions said none of that mattered and the pain grew and throbbed like an alarm. But his memories would not be quieted easily.

He wanted to hear Julian laugh again. He wanted to feel him touch him again, to feel close to him. To be in their world again together, not pitted against.

But the bastard hit you, in the face, and then left you on the floor. He didn’t even try to help you. He didn’t say sorry.

Yeah but he just did.

But is that good enough? Do you deserve that? Is he as much as you think he is?

The internal fighting could be seen all over his face as he tried to look away from peering, concerned gazes. He just wanted to stop. Noel knew that what was happening in his head could, no would, not end well for either of them if it got out into reality. If he began to speak it into existence but that seemed to be all that Julian wanted. He wanted to know everything. He wanted to crawl inside and make it all better like a band – aid, a pat on the head and a lollipop.

He leaned back against the cabinets, looking up towards the ceiling, hoping that counting tiles would slow his thoughts.

“Noel?”

“Shut it.”

He still sounded cold. As much as it scared him, he had to admit he liked feeling in control of the situation even if he didn’t feel in control of himself.

By the time he got to seventy-two, Noel realized that Julian was not interrupting with sighs or choked groans anymore. He slinked up next to the bathtub again to see Julian passed out, sleeping he assumed. His hair had fallen over his face and he seemed so relaxed.

Noel went to move his hair out of his face, when the black bruise of his temple was revealed to Noel’s astonishment. He began to shake Julian furiously to wake him up. He knew if he had a concussion that he could not sleep and now that he was feeling somewhat normal again, he did not want to be alone.

The cold water had worked before, so he turned on the faucet and the tub began fill with cool water slowly rising up Julian’s body.

He had to wake up. He had to wake up.

Why? He kind of had it coming didn’t he? Always acting like he knows us.

He does, you idiot. He knows us better than anyone and he is still here. Even after you made me knock him out with a knife handle, he was concerned. You are only around when things get tense and you make them worse. At least he tries to make them better, and even if he fails, it is okay because he tried to work with me and for the good of everything. You just like to make shit worse. You like to work against me, and I am you, you twisted fuck!

So why don’t you let him in?

“I don’t know.”

“No-No-Noel!”

The water was flooding the floor and Julian was shaking.

“I’m sorry.”

Julian couldn’t find words through his shivering but he just gave the best reassuring gaze he could muster as Noel rushed to turn off the water.

He stood to grab Julian’s robe and pulled the man out of the bathtub hoping neither of them would fall to the floor and hurt themselves anymore. That knife had to be floating somewhere on this floor but Noel was too concerned of the shivering body at his side to worry about it. They stepped lightly out the door wrapped around each other trying to stay upright.

Noel grunted, “Well, Mr. Barratt. You do seem regretful. And your black bruises are gonna match mine. Mine are coming in with a nice purple hue if I may so myself.”

This was the first time Julian actually felt like smiling since they came home but wasn’t sure if he should.

“Its okay…” Noel turned to glance at him and his hands moved up his chest to rest on his cheek. “You know, your jealous rage was turning me on til you went off and hit me. A lot fucking harder than I was expecting, Ju.” He lightly tapped his cheek making Julian smirk as they finally reached the bedroom.

They both felt more cognizant of the moment, of where they were.

They hit the unmade bed, sloppily, and locked eyes to stare at each other. They were unsure what to say. Not wanting to say much as it all seemed written all over each other. Julian smiled as the blue lights that take up residence in his eyes were starting to flicker again. He lifted his hand to Noel’s face, and he pulled away wincing. Julian dropped it and turned away.

“Sorry, Ju. Reflex.” He grabbed the large damp hand and placed it upon the tender flesh and tried to convince him that he wasn’t going to turn on him again.

“I thought I had lost you.”

“To Russ, come on don’t be–”“

“No, not him… to this.”

He grabbed Noel’s arm turning it to show him the scored wounds he had carved into himself, just deep enough to bleed.

“Oh shit!” He sat up and grabbed the nearest piece of fabric to wrap his forearm. He hadn’t felt a thing. His shoulders shook as he turned away from Julian completely. The collected blood slowly seeped through the green fabric of Julian’s discarded damp shirt and he remembered the words.

So why don’t you let him in?

He had done more damage to himself than Julian ever could, but yet he couldn’t face him. But before his thoughts had time to spiral on and collapse on top of themselves, Julian was on his knees in front of him, with a warm cloth in hands. Noel gasped then sighed as Julian gazed up at him with acceptance & love in his eyes.

“Come here.”

[nextpage title=”Chapter 7″]

Chapter 7

Author’s Notes: Night falls & the walls come tumbling down.

Lying there near each other, in hazy dim lighting, the two men drifted in and out of consciousness. The house was littered with the days’ events: crumpled papers, chewed pens, tossed jackets, forgotten shoes, damp footprints slowly evaporating, bloody washcloth, washed away knife, orange and yellow leaves drifting toward the wooden floor from an ajar window. It all fell under a grey curtain as the sun took its leave and the moon emerged eagerly.

The two men lay near each other, with their fingertips grazing each other slightly. Just enough to remind them of the others’ presence but not enough to stir, they kept their eyes on each other. Each blink brought them closer to dreams as the exhaustion took over. Their eyes fluttered close as the moon took its position high in the dark blue sky and the day was finally at an end.

Julian was the first to move. His fingertips moved up to his bandaged forearm. He paused there, leaving his warm hand like a protective watchdog. Noel picked up the movement without hesitation and shifted his body into the curve of Julian’s form. He maintained Julian’s hold on him and pulled it tighter. Julian enveloped him effortlessly and sighed at the warm connection of chest to back. Noel purred, smirking at the scratch of Julian’s beard on his neck.

The nighttime world passed on without them. Phones rang and vibrated unanswered. People wondered where they might be but they carried on unalarmed. They know how those two get when they are writing and assumed its best to leave them be.

The trip was for them and them alone.

Peaches.

The distinct smell of peaches was the first thing Julian could register. He opened his eyes to a mass of black wisps.

Noel.

He knew the frame that was so tightly pressed to him and was unsure if he should move and if he did was he to pull him closer or push him away. But as his fingertips tapped the surface of rough bandages, he pulled him tighter to his chest and breathed deep. His limbs were numb but he had no desire to leave his current position.

It all came back to him. With disgusting and vivid color, he knew how he had ended up with Noel in his arms. He wished he wasn’t cut to shreds, that neither of them were bruised or battered, that he could have just told him. Everything else came so easily to them yet this knocked them into a rhythm that he couldn’t have anticipated. Julian wished it could be as easy as it was right now.

“Morning.”

Julian rubbed his face into his hair, searching for his neck, in response. Noel giggled at the friction and turned to face him properly. It felt like seeing him for the first and last time all at once. Julian looked timeless in sunlight.

But the longer he looked, the more real and attached to the moment his image became as the bruises came into focus and detail. They all said his name.

“God, Ju…” he sighed as he lifted his hand to his cheek.

As much he wanted to, Julian knew he couldn’t stop or protect Noel from how he was feeling. This needed to be real and felt, not washed over in apologies and forgiveness.

Silence.

Noel sat up and eased Julian onto his back. He peered down on him, inspecting every fleck of accusatory color on his flesh. Each connected the dots to retell yesterday and forbid him from forgetting.

Julian watched him, replaying and reliving it with him. He could see the tears filling his eyes again. The blue becoming so full and rich it had to spill over onto his cheeks.

“Stop.”

Noel took his eyes off of Julian’s blackened skin to meet his eyes, bright and warm.

“Don’t cry. It’s like watching the color drain from a Bosch painting.”

A smile.

“See there. That is what we need.” Julian rose to cup his face in his hands.

Their movements were fluid and easy. No hesitation.

“I can’t explain what happened. I am sorry to have hurt you, but I am not sorry that it has got us here.”

Julian nodded, slightly laughing in concurrence. They were a tangle of limbs and only wanting to be closer. They wrapped their legs around each other, entangled their fingers, and sat with their foreheads touching.

“Noel, do we deserve this?”

“What do you mean?”

“Not many people get to feel this…”

“And we may fuck it up?”

“Exactly.”

“All we can do is try. How much more damage can we do?”

An open smile met a nervous stare.

“I’m scared, Noel.”

“Of me?”

“No. Of losing you. For good.” His head fell, his eyes closing at the stomach twisting thought.

“Oh I’m like one of those diseases. Once you got me, you’re stuck with me.”

After stifling a laugh, Julian looked up to be met with bright questioning blue.

“So you are mine??”

“So you are mine.”

Casual, short words held the force to knock down all pretenses. Brick by brick the walls that had lay between them now kept all else out.

There is a moment just before a decision is made that something says go back. That reflex is trying to protect from the uncertain terrain that lay ahead but it seems to be that the things that are the most mind-blowing and necessary are also the scariest.

Yet Julian and Noel showed no sign of fear about moving deeper into their relationship. They moved about the house like domestic genies for the rest of the morning, erasing the damage of their battles. Noel took to the bathroom and hallway. Mopping up pools of water and rescuing the knife from behind the toilet where it was wedged. He winced when he first grabbed the handle but he felt a strong connection to it. He wrapped it in a towel and washed his hands with the hottest water he could stand.

Julian took to picking up all the clothes strewn about the house. Most of them were Noel’s but he gathered them all the same. He tried not to linger by the front door but every time he passed it he held his breath. He could still smell the aroused fear and could feel Noel squirming beneath him like a trapped pet.

They passed each other with sideway glances and nothing more. There was work to be done and to begin they needed to start fresh. After the house began to resemble itself again, the two men met each other back in the bedroom.

Julian took a seat near the headboard and Noel at the opposite end. Notepads and pens were scattered across the bed, laptops in tow, and hours on end to use.

Listening to them, it sounded like gibberish. Stunted sentences continually ended by the other or joined laughs ending with the word, “Genius” rang about the room as the papers piled up. The hours flew by. Nightfall came again and their happy yet tired eyes met.

“Food.”

Noel followed behind, stepping lightly, as Julian headed for the kitchen. Noel took to chopping the vegetables and Julian sat on the stool to watch as he waited for pasta water to boil. Though everything felt okay again, Julian knew better. This was not it.

Now faced again with a knife wielding Noel, he knew he had to make it good.

“You know, you never answered my question.”

Shit.

Julian thought it because he saw the way Noel paused his chopping of the tomatoes. Noel thought it because he wasn’t sure how to answer him even now. He tensed, let out a sigh, and lay the knife down. He wiped his hands and walked around the island.

Julian was holding his breath, waiting to get a chance to look Noel in the eye and see if he was still there. When Noel faced him properly, he smiled. He was there. Bright and eager, but also annoyed and unsure.

“You mean, your question about Russ and me.”

He nodded.

Noel leaned into him, pushing his body full onto him as his legs spread apart. He put his hands on Julian’s chest, his voice smooth as velvet, “Russell and I haven’t fooled around in more than two years. We are still friends and I would hope that is all you truly need to know.”

Julian was under his spell, but knew he wanted more. He cleared his throat.

“The water is boiling.”

Noel raced around to the stove. Julian followed behind, pondering aloud, “I don’t need to know more, but I need more. To feel more. I want–”

Suddenly, Noel’s lips grazed his neck and Julian forgot to breathe.

“Noel, don’t if you…” Heated lips worked upward to his ear and whispered, “If I don’t what?” His hands were sliding down his body.

“Don’t – don’t treat me like Russell.”

At the mention of his name, Noel bit down on Julian’s earlobe.

“Ah…”

Noel stepped back and looked into Julian’s sincere eyes. This was more than passion. He couldn’t rush through it or act as if it never happened once it was over. Julian was always going to be there and was always going to be more than a friend.

“After dinner, yea?”

Noel cleared his throat and Julian tended to the pasta.

They continued their domestic partnership throughout the meal and ate together in the newly renovated kitchen. The owners of the house they had rented were making lots of changes and the kitchen had apparently doubled in size, now featuring a built-in booth.

They settled into their meal and all types of questions rose to the surface as they spoke candidly about their situation. Girlfriends, children, friends, family, work. All these things lay in their hands with the decisions they were making. And as much as they wanted to be adults about it they couldn’t help but feel like teenagers when their hands touched while reaching for the pepper.

“Maybe just for now. Just for these few days we do as we please.”

“And when we go back, Ju? What then? I forget your touch or how you look at me after I suck your… neck? I don’t know about you but that sounds like torture!”

“I know Noel, calm down. I don’t like it either. But do you expect me not to act at all? We finally opened up to the idea and now we’re ‘posed to put this back up on a shelf til its more convenient or less likely to hurt… its always gonna hurt! No matter what we do.”

“We’re screwed.”

“Well not yet.”

They smirked as they locked eyes and Julian sought out Noel’s trembling hand.

“We are laying it all out there so I will say this now, if I never do again. Noel, I love you. Like a brother, like a lover, like a friend. You are my other half and even if I never have you again, I at least want to feel whole once.”

Noel squeezed tightly, looking as reverent and tearful as a man at the altar.

“Julian, I love you. I am thankful for you. I never want to be without you and I will take you how ever I may have you, for as long as you will let me. “

They leaned in for a soft kiss, hands caressing flush cheeks and soft hair. Noel broke away and slid down to rest upon Julian’s chest. He curled up next to the older man in the booth as Julian stroked his hair. Noel closed his eyes, listening for his heart, and could hear the echo of Julian’s mumblings in his ears.

“And so you are mine.”

He repeated it over and over like he casting a spell over the house.

Noel gripped his hands and lead him away from the mess of dishes and unfinished food. Julian followed in a daze into the recently painted empty spare room. The walls were a rich cucumber green, cool and calming, in the moonlight.

They slowly kissed, and tugged at the scant clothing they had left. Noel spent his day in a vest and skinny black jeans. Julian’s loose tee and boxers quickly met the floor. Noel was eager to see his skin. He stepped back to undress himself. He was a visual man and knew that Julian would appreciate watching him undress on a cool autumn night.

There were sheets lying on the floor from when the room was painted and was now the only division between warm flesh and wooden floors. The two men were in no rush though their bodies disagreed. Julian used his tee as a pillow as Noel lay across his chest. Noel’s fingers played across the tender flesh, slightly tickling him. Julian tried to focus on anything to calm himself.

“This is a nice color choice, hm?”

“Not bad, it’s cool and neutral.”

“Ah, this room is like Switzerland.”

Noel gazed up at him, seeing the sated smile on his face. He was already satisfied and he hadn’t even done anything to him yet. He slipped down his body to greet him with a warm mouth. Quickly, he was fully around him, and he could feel Julian’s hands in his hair. He loved the feeling of his warm hands massaging into his scalp. He slowed his rhythm and gazed up at Julian. Now he looked full of a furious passion that caused Noel to stop completely.

“Come ‘ere. Now.”

Julian hoisted Noel up and rolled him onto his back.

“I think you deserve some attention.”

Julian’s lips moved swiftly from his neck down to his nipples. He used his tongue to work wet circles and blew cold air onto the damp skin.

“Fuck… Ju…”

Julian loved making him squirm.

“Please, Ju… now… can’t wait…”

Julian sat up on his knees and pulled Noel closer to him. He pushed his legs upward and moved lower to kiss that tender flesh. He worked his tongue in and out of Noel. Slowly, pushing inside of him, Julian was sure he could hear whimpering. He smacked the back of Noel’s thigh, and looked up at a shocked but aroused face. Julian took one last flick of his tongue to make him jerk and licked up to the tip of his erection before sliding his entire body up Noel’s.

“That was not fair.”

“Who said we were playing fair?”

He nipped at Julian’s neck, sucking as hard as he could. His lips were pulsing and swollen but determined. Julian slowly began to push inside of him. Noel broke free and began to claw at the sheets.

“Ju… Julian!”

He shushed him. He was well aware of the virgin beneath him and he was no veteran but he knew that it would get better. He kissed him long and slow to get him to relax. Noel clutched at his back as he began to feel pleasure through the pain. Julian put his head down next to Noel’s ear, breathing in his scent.

They worked in a rhythm that seemed to go on into a place where time ceased. It felt like a memory although it was still happening. Noel’s eyes had closed and he was in a dream state of colors. He saw greens, blues, and warm luscious browns surrounding him. Julian was surrounded by the darkness in Noel’s hair, full with the scent of sweat, peaches, and sex.

They mumbled each other’s names between moans and only as Julian grasped Noel’s hand to his own erection could he make out his murmuring, “you are mine, so mine.”

Their orgasms weren’t loud. They were shudders, low moans and groans, sighs, heaving chests, and trembling hands.

It was silent for a while, a long while. Neither could think or speak. And it really didn’t seem like the thing to do.

Julian fell asleep first, after rolling off to the side of Noel. He watched him caringly through hooded lazy eyes. He rested his head on his chest and pulled the large paint splattered sheet over their bodies as Julian’s heartbeat lulled him to sleep.

Julian woke to find Noel picking at his bandages. He had no patience for healing.

“I worked hard on that you know.”

“I know, I know but it’s buggin’ me. It itches.”

“That means it’s healing.”

He leant down to kiss his forehead as he thought it was time to start stirring. He put on his boxers and began to walk towards the kitchen.

“You know…”

Julian paused at the doorway to turn and look at Noel. He was beautiful holding the sheet to his chest, his hair wild and eyes innocent as he bit his lip before speaking again, “you’re about to leave Switzerland.”

Julian smiled and moved away from the border, “You’re right. And you can’t just leave a country that easily. “ He knelt down beside him to kiss his cheek.

“Yea, there are all these blocks and its really complicated even in such a neutral place.”

“Really?” Julian began to move down his neck.

“Hmm, yeah. They have to work hard to keep it balanced and perfect because of all the shit that happens outside its boundaries.”

“How do they do it?”

“We don’t know. It is top secret, but I think you can start by looking underneath this sheet.”

“Hmm… Noel?”

“Yea?”

“We have work to do, remember?”

“Yea, yeah I know. Relax, Ju. Relax.”

They escaped into each other’s embraces. These moments could be laced together to reach out into forever. Each touch, gaze, and kiss would be perpetual in memory and would therefore exist in a place where their lives did not have to cease. Behind these walls, their time could be savored and things would be fine by the time their feet hit the ground back home.

They would behave and cover their wounds. They would work together effortlessly. They would be boyfriends and fathers and brothers and uncles. They would be best friends who could be around each other and not be awkward. They would continue to amaze people with their banter. They would laugh at the blank unknowing faces as they carried on about zombies, brainstorms, Big Bird trees, evil pens, and Switzerland after a productive and fruitful fortnight in America.

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