A Booshmas Carol

The festive season has reached the Mighty Boosh boys and Vince is as ever in the party mood with Howard tagging behind. But something isn't quite right in their fairy tale world.

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Candy floss and vodka

Candy floss and vodka

The music was pulsating, throbbing in everyone’s heads; you could practically see the vibrations in the air. Howard’s mind was hazy, everything felt like it wasn’t really there, like he was living a memory. He wasn’t sure whether it was the alchohol or the Christmas spirit, although in truth the thick fumes filling the room were probably a key contributor to his less than sober state. Howard was very surprised that he was enjoying the party, especially since Vince had conveniently forgot to tell him that it was being hosted in their flat.

Vince had managed to persuade his fantastical creatures to go round and serve drinks and nibbles. None of them were to Howard’s taste, he liked larger and maybe a glass of wine (mulled at Christmas), but Vince liked sweet syrupy concoctions that tasted like childs fizzy pop but with the potency of stronger less innocent drinks. There were few non-alcoholic options, just diet coke The cans had pictures of Santa Claus on them which, like most things in the flat, had been charmed, so in various areas of the building chuckling St Nicholas’ could be seen dancing to Saboo and Tony Harrison’s DJing.

Howard filled his glass with more punch and picked up a pack of sherbet for Vince then made his way across the room. He walked past Naboo and Bollo staring at the wall as if they were watching an extremely riveting TV program.

“High.” He muttered to himself. Unloading his hands onto a nearby table he grabbed Vince around the waist as he danced with the Dee girl (it turned out her name was Pandora). Vince flashed his award winning smile which reached both heavily kohl rimmed eyes as Howard gestured to the sherbet. Vince suddenly sat down on a pile of cushions pulling both Howard and Pandora with him and slowly tipped the fizzy e-number filled powder on to his lips then proceeded to lick it off, entirely aware that he had the two people either side of him under his spell.

The three of them relaxed against heavily embroidered furnishings which contrasted heavily with the strobe lighting and neon bulbs that were fit for even the most notorious club. People in the room laughed as they saw Vince Noir mounting Howard, much to Pandora’s amusement. It was, of course, not sexual but simply an attempt to decorate the sedate, jazz loving mans face with make-up. When he would emerge he was sure to be wearing make-up fit for a princess. It most definitely was not Howard’s kind of thing and he was fighting the urge to blink as the eyeliner pencil was drawn around the edge of his eye, but his usual inhibitions were dulled by the alcoholic and probably narcotic poison circling his veins. Vince’s breath tickled his face and their lips were temptingly close together. A soft jewellery adorned hand grazed his thigh and desperate for a showing of love, or even lust, he strained forwards bumping his lips clumsily with the more experienced ones belonging to Vince. He tasted of candy floss with an undertone of the more acrid and bitter vodka. Pulling away Pandora then received the same treatment from the lithe man that was Vince, his tongue as agile as the rest of his body.

Satisfied Howard let his head loll back and he saw Tumnus sitting on the lampshade above him shaking his head. Tumnus did not mind Vince but could not understand Howard’s obsession and love for him that he, somewhat unconvincingly from Tumnus’ point of view, described as platonic. For Howard Moon everything seemed to be fading in and out, the music seemed quieter, muffled now and the colours were dulling then intensifying in sequence. He knew he would pass out soon, but wanted to savour this moment while he still had it. For once he was enjoying a party, and earlier that day he had received his first Christmas card of that year, it was from Mrs Gideon, now known as Julia to him. He sighed as Vince nuzzled into his neck and couldn’t help but roll his eyes upon seeing that Pandora was doing the same to Vince himself. They lay there unspeaking half listening to the others chattering and finding a comfy spot to settle down for the night with all the bedrooms occupied with couples ( as with all of Vince’s party everyone was staying overnight as it was now reaching 4 or 5 am anyway). Howard was pleased that they had settled down before everyone else as at least he had a bit more space than last night and a soft surface rather than the hard wooden floor of the last hosts flat.

Briefly rolling out the way of a falling diet coke can (it turns out that the charmed Santa pictures were suffering from the smoke too and were dropping like flies) Howard eventually lost consciousness. He fell into a fitful sleep filled with rich images and strange dreams…