Turf
Category: Real Person Fic
Characters: Julian Barratt, Noel Fielding
Pairing: Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt
Genre: Humour
Rating: PG
Status: Complete
Length: <1k words
Chapter Notes: See, this is what happens when kewen gets bored on MSN… I get roped into doing stuff like this!!! kewen challenged: “Noel and Julian in a gardening superstore. Julian wants to buy turf. And it ends in sex.” This is what happened. 500 words exactly, which was part of the challenge.
“Julian, come on… I don’t want to spend all my Saturday here,” Noel whined as he trailed after Julian.
“And why not? Gardening is interesting, Noel… gives a man time to be alone with his thoughts,” Julian pushed the trolley through the superstore, his eyes scanning the rows of bird seed and potted geraniums.
Noel scowled, and kicked his high-heeled silver boots at an innocent sack of fertilizer as he passed it. Julian grinned to himself: Noel’s everyday attire was attracting quite a lot of attention from the soil-covered, green-fingered, cardigan-wearing folk in the shop. Julian couldn’t help a little wave of pride swell up in him then… Noel deserved to have attention.
“Whatever… why are we here, anyway?”
“I need to buy some turf.”
“Some what?”
“Turf.”
Noel looked appalled, a near-frightened look on his face, looking a little green around the gills. “What do you want to buy that stuff for?” he shrieked, and Julian jumped.
“W-what do you mean?” Julian carried on pushing the trolley.
“Well, what on earth could you want… that for?”
They had reached the part of the department they needed. Julian picked up a heavy roll of turf, and thrust it with difficulty at Noel, who daintily stepped out the way of the solid green roll and scowled.
Julian watched as realisation dawned, and Noel started to laugh. “Oh, that’s turf!”
“What is the matter with you?” Julian stared in disbelief at the giggling southerner.
“Nothing,” Noel waved a hand. Composing himself, he smoothed down his tight orange t-shirt. “Can we go now? It’s just I can feel my skin wrinkling every time we pass a bird table.”
Julian laughed. “Sure, little man.” He flung an arm around Noel’s thin shoulders and they pushed the trolley towards the checkout, then out towards the car.
Struggling to get the turf out of the deep trolley and into the boot of his car, Julian shouted at Noel, who was stood three foot away, patiently waiting for Julian to finish. “Oi, Noel! Little help?!”
Noel sighed, and rolled his eyes dramatically, “Alright!”
Julian was doing okay, until he saw the flex of the muscles in Noel’s upper arms beneath the skin-tight t-shirt as he gripped the heavy turf. The way Noel pushed the dark curtain of hair away from his face, as if he meant business. The line of his back and arch of his neck… the grunting noise Noel made as he tried to heave the turf across the gap between trolley and car.
That was it. “Right, come here, you.”
“Wha-” Noel didn’t have time to react of Julian suddenly pressed him up against the side of the car, grinding his hips into him and bringing their mouths together. Noel moaned as Julian gripped his back and waist, pulling him closer. Julian felt Noel responding in a way entirely inappropriate for a prospective-gardener.
The roll of turf which had caused all the fuss lay forgotten in the car park next to the abandoned trolley.
