Without Nicky Clarke

Alternate happenings to Kodiak Jack scene in Call of the Yeti. What if Vince decided not to straighten his hair before going to sleep. Non-con and future Howince. If that's not your cup of tea, I would avert your eyes.


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Notes: Okay, so basically I always wondered why no one ever did a story like this. (If I’m wrong let me know) A lot of this is from the Call of the Yeti episode, but it’s going in a different direction so it’ll just be this chapter. It’s a non-con and a slash fic so if you don’t fancy that I would advise you to leave. The Boosh belongs to Noel and Julian.

Without Nicky Clarke by Eparnam

Chapter 1

Author’s Notes: Okay, so basically I always wondered why no one ever did a story like this. (If I’m wrong let me know) A lot of this is from the Call of the Yeti episode, but it’s going in a different direction so it’ll just be this chapter. It’s a non-con and a slash fic so if you don’t fancy that I would advise you to leave. The Boosh belongs to Noel and Julian.

When Howard had told Vince that they were going on vacation, he had been thrilled. They needed some quiet relaxation after all that mess at the zoo. It would also give them some time to hang out like they used to.

Since leaving the zoo, Vince and Howard had begun to grow apart. While Howard decided that he now wanted to be a wildlife photographer, Vince immersed himself in fashion.

This little vacation could be just what they needed to get back in sync again.

Or at least, that’s what Vince thought before finding out just exactly it was they were going.

“We’re going where!”

“Camping Vince. Out in the wild, surrounded by all sorts of foul beasts, yes sir, this is just the type of vacation a true man of action takes. But don’t worry Vince, Howard Moon will protect you.” Howard exclaimed proudly.

“As if, you’ll jus’ run away at the first sign of danger, leavin’ me ta fend for myself.”

“Now see here little man, I would do no such thing, a man of action always protects a damsel in distress.” Vince felt himself blush at that, no matter what he said on the contrary, Vince always felt safer with Howard near by.

“I can’t believe we’re going camping for vacation.” xxx

So there they were Vince and Howard alone in the cabin, Naboo and Bollo had gone out a little bit ago to get some supplies. Howard was going on about black bears and brown bears, and Vince was contemplating suicide when out of nowhere a creepy old man appeared at the window before barging in through the door.

After a short yell of fright, Howard took up a defensive stance while Vince hid behind him.

It turned out he was simply the owner of the cabin, Kodiak Jack.

Howard had made a brief introduction, when Kodiak Jack set his sights on Vince.

“Heeellooo, what’s your name sugadumplin?” Kodiak asked as he crept closer. Looking at Vince with what he commonly referred to as ‘rapist eyes’ and making him quite uncomfortable.


“Mmmm beautiful name” Kodiak said before obnoxiously licking his lips while Vince just tried to back further away looking very freaked out.

Howard managed to draw Kodiak’s attention back on himself with talk of the wilderness, causing Kodiak to go on a rant about scars and whatnot. Needless to say Vince had enough.

“Yeah? Big deal! See that?” he said lifting up his shirt to reveal his scar, “Nicky Clarke, hottest you can get, fell asleep on ‘em while I was pissed. Now can you get out please, cause I wanna go ta bed.” Vince assumed that would be it, and Kodiak began excusing himself. But then he grabbed Vince’s hand.

“I hope we meet again under… different circumstances” licking the hand he held before leaving.

Of course he wasn’t gone long, and about 10 seconds later he was back asking Howard for a drink and a smoke on the porch. With Howard gone, Vince finally had some quiet time. He debated whether or not to straighten his hair, before deciding his hair was already pretty darn perfect, so instead, Vince simply went to sleep. xxx

Outside, Howard was telling Kodiak how he was a wildlife photographer. And Kodiak was telling Howard that he had a map to a creature ‘never seen by human eyeballs.”

“Can I have a look at that?” Howard said reaching out.

“Maybe you can and maybe you can’t.” Kodiak teased, pulling the map out of reach.

“Can I?”

“Well maybe I got something you want, and maybe you got something… I want.”

“What?” Howard asked.

“Well ya know, a man does get lonely out here in the woods.” Kodiak said mysteriously.

“Ah, no Jack I’m sorry, I mean I’m a liberal guy but I will draw the line there I’m afraid.”

“Not you dick brain, I’m talkin’ about hoochi-coochi pants in there. A man does have his standards. We don’t often get a cute nubile princess like that around here.” Kodiak said looking through the window at the sleeping Vince.

“Look I could never do that ok? Vince is a friend of mine, so I’ll bid you goodnight.” That said Howard began to walk away.

“Well that’s a shame, I guess you wont be needing a photo of the one and only, the legendary, yeti.”

“How long would you need him for?” Howard asked spinning around. Kodiak simply gave him the map, and just like that Howard left his best friend in the hands of a creepy old pervert. xxx

Down at Shamansbury’s Naboo and Bollo were waiting in the checkout line, there were only a few Shamans ahead of him, but by some irritating coincidence, they all appeared to be on an annual shopping trip, for each of their carts contained well over 100 items. This supply run was going to take a lot longer than he expected. xxx

Vince had just fallen into a peaceful sleep, and was dreaming about Howard rescuing him from a crazy madman trying to destroy the world, when someone knocked on the door.

“come in.” Vince said sleepily, rising up from his sleeping bag just enough to see who was at the door.

“Well heeelloooo there.” Kodiak said.

“What do you want?”

“Well I uh… brought you some flowers. Picked um myself.” At that, Vince started to back away.

“Where’s Howard?”

“Oh he’s fine, he just went for a walk on Piney Ridge. Left us alone for awhile.” Kodiak said, eating something from the bag he was holding.

“What are you eating?”

“Owl beaks, Do you want some?”

“No I’m fine.”

“Gets you in the mood.” Kodiak said walking closer.

“Mood for what!” Vince was freaked, and he had no where to run, he backed himself into the corner, as Kodiak drew nearer.

“Purdy little thing like you, and a big old mountain man like me.”

“Get away from me!”

“But I loves ya Vincey.”

“No way, get off me!” Vince tried to push him away, but he was too strong and Vince had nothing to defend himself with.

“I LOVE MY LITTLE VINCEY!” Yelled Kodiak as he pushed Vince to the floor and tore at his clothes.

Vince screamed in pain as Kodiak thrust into him, tears streamed down his face and he felt the blood ooze down his leg, he yelled for Howard to save help him, to protect him like he promised he would, but he didn’t. No one did, Kodiak just moaned and continued to violate Vince for hours, or at least it felt like hours to Vince, in actuality, it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes.

Kodiak finally finished, and pulled himself out of the lifeless body, then after giving Vince a little smack on the arse and a few parting words, he left, leaving his victim naked on the floor covered in blood and semen.

Vince curled himself into a ball, his clothes were in shreds, he was dirty, and everything hurt. Before passing out he called out one last time.

“Howard, help.”

End Notes: Yeah, that’s that, there’s going to be more chapters soon, but reviews would be nice in the mean time.

Chapter 2

Author’s Notes: Alright new chapter is here! Hope you like it.

Howard was feeling pretty bad about just leaving Vince with Kodiak, even if it was for photos of a yeti. And he had told Vince he would protect him. So Instead of venturing further into the forest, and getting captured by the yetis, he turned back and figured that even if he didn’t get any good pictures, at least he could spend a nice weekend with his friend.

Howard walked up to the cabin just as Naboo and Bollo appeared through the trees, so they entered together.

“I guess Vince must have gone to sleep–” Howard had been about to suggest they do the same when he heard whimpering.

“Vince?” Howard asked walking closer to where he heard the whimpers.

That’s when Howard saw him, curled up in a little ball surrounded by what was once his clothes and a puddle of blood and what Howard horrifyingly identified as semen.

“What are you staring at you–” Naboo stopped short, and Bollo gasped. All three of them just stood there, so shocked they couldn’t move.

“H’ward” It was Vince’s weak cry that got Howard back into action, and he ran to Vince.

“Vince I’m here!” That’s when Vince began to sob, so despite the mess his friend was covered in, Howard pulled Vince to him in a hug, covering him with the leopard print coat he’d been wearing earlier.

“Why, did this happen Howard, where did you go! I thought you were going to protect me.” Vince sobbed.

“I’m sorry Vince, I’m so sorry.” But Howard knew this was entirely his fault, and that what he had done was unforgiveable.

Vince continued to cry as Howard held him, constantly asking why he didn’t save him, until eventually he fell asleep.

Naboo and Bollo had simply watched the entire scene of events, not having a clue what to do.

Once Vince was asleep though, Naboo sets about fixing him up, doing a bit of shaman magic to clean and heal his wounds, it was a simple procedure and was done in about a minute, and afterwards he had Bollo put Vince to bed.

“Howard, I need a word.” Naboo said indicating he would like to speak outside. And Howard follows after making sure Vince is comfortable.

“Oh god Naboo, this is all my fault!” Howard cries as soon as the door is shut.

“Why do you say that? You can’t always protect him you know.”

Bollo had come outside as well, now that Vince was sleeping.

“I did this to him.”

“You raped Vince? Cause I don’t think–”

“NO!” Howard yelled, he could never do that to anyone, let alone Vince. But what he did was probably worse.

“Then how is this your fault!” Naboo lisped slightly irritated.

“Because Naboo! I basically sold him to Kodiak Jack for a map!” Howard yelled, he was horrified that he had been the cause of Vince’s pain, and saying out loud made it all the more real.

“You did WHAT!” Naboo couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“I… God I… Vince… for a map” Howard was no longer speaking in full sentences, the magnitude of what had happened simply because he wanted to be on the cover of a magazine only now really hitting him.

Naboo could feel himself shaking with shock and anger, he saw Bollo reaching out to strangle Howard, while he was thinking of all the curses he knew, and which one was horrible enough for this particular occasion.

But then they heard a yell from inside the cabin. Vince was calling for Howard, and quick as a flash Howard was back by his side holding him while he again burst into tears.

Naboo and Bollo just glared, there was nothing they could do, if they hurt Howard, Vince would hate them, and if they told Vince the truth, it would destroy him.

So instead they set about locating this Kodiak Jack and taking out all their anger on him. xxx

It was late when Bollo and Naboo arrived back at the cabin. Still angry, but satisfied that Kodiak Jack wouldn’t be hurting anyone anytime soon, in fact, he probably wouldn’t be doing much of anything ever again, what with being turned into a rock an all (after a good beating of course). So they decided it was best to leave in the morning, and put this place behind them.

When they entered the cabin Naboo wasn’t sure what would be waiting for them, last time he’d been inside, Vince was in a corner covered in blood and someone else’s bodily fluids. What would be next? Luckily for Naboo and Bollo, they didn’t have to deal with anymore horrible surprises. Howard and Vince were simple asleep, but they were definitely far from peaceful.

Howard was leaning up against the wall (farthest from the scene of the crime) with a frown on his face, and Vince was basically in his lap (now in a set of clean clothes) whimpering every so often. Naboo was still furious at Howard, but in a way he pitied him. How must it feel to be responsible for your best friend getting raped by a crazy mountain man?

“I suppose we should catch some Zs as well.” Naboo suggested laying himself down on a sleeping bag after relocating it nearer to Vince and Howard. He had no desire to be close to that area either. Bollo followed his lead and sat in the corner closest to the group. Both were sleeping within minutes. xxx

It was around 4am when the nightmare started. Vince was thrashing around, and startled Howard from his sleep.


“P-please s-stop!” Vince cried, and Howard realized he was having a nightmare. Vince didn’t have nightmares, his dreams were filled with rainbows and unicorns and Top Shop. But now he was being plagued by the memories of what happened to him, reliving them, and Howard couldn’t stand it.

“Vince, wake up” Howard tried, shaking Vince slightly. All he managed to do though was wake Naboo and Bollo, and apparently scare Vince even more.

“S-stop! Leave me alone!” Vince cried, followed by a quieter, “Howard, help me.” And Howard’s heart broke, Vince had needed him and he wasn’t there, but he was here now, and he was going to do all he could to help Vince.

“Vince please wake up! You’re safe now, I’m here!”

“H-Howard?” Vince stuttered, finally waking from his nightmare.

“Yeah Vince, It’s me.” Howard said softly, trying to calm Vince down a bit. But once Vince clarified it really was Howard, and not some elaborate trap, he burst into tears, throwing his arms around Howard and burying his face into Howard’s chest sobbing uncontrollably. It was awhile till Howard was able to calm him down enough to fall back asleep. Naboo and Bollo just watched sadly from their spots on the floor until everything was settled.

After a quick debate Howard and Naboo decide that they should just start packing now, the sooner they left this place the better. Howard laid Vince down gently and set about gathering up all their belongings, while making sure to stay as far away from that dreadful corner as possible. xxx

By 7am the van was loaded and they were ready to go, Naboo and Bollo seated comfortably in the back. All that was left was for Howard to go back inside and wake Vince.

Howard was glad this was the last time he would ever have to be in this cabin, and as he stepped inside he looked to the sleeping form of Vince, or he would have if he was there. Howard was just about to freak out, when he looked around the cabin and spotted Vince. He was standing right in front of where it all happened, looking down and not moving. And it worried Howard immensely. Vince shouldn’t be over there, he shouldn’t even still be in this cabin. He needed to get Vince and they needed to leave right now!

Vince’s silence was scaring Howard more than he’d care to admit, and even as he moved closer to him, Vince made no sound or movement, it was like he was frozen, and Howard didn’t like it.

“Vince?” Howard said cautiously and for a moment he thought maybe Vince hadn’t heard him, he was about to repeat himself when Vince turned around.

“Alright Howard?” Vince grinned and for one beautiful second Howard forgot that anything was wrong in the world; Vince’s smile could do that to you. But then he looked down at the floor and saw the tattered remains of Vince’s clothes.

“Vince… are you alright?” Howard asked, prepared for Vince to break down again, but Vince just kept smiling, like nothing had ever happened.

“A’course Howard, why wouldn’t I be?” And just like that he walked out the door, leaving a confused Howard inside.

End Notes: And that’s the end of the chapter! More will come soon, but while you’re waiting, you can read my other story, and of course, reviews would be lovely.

Chapter 3

Author’s Notes: Yeay for a new chapter! I don’t own the Boosh.

Normally, a nice long drive was a relaxing and enjoyable experience for Howard, he loved traveling, and whenever he was feeling under the weather he usually ended up driving around till he felt better.

He also liked traveling with Vince, even if he complained about the music, fell asleep when he was supposed to be entertaining the driver, and seemed to believe candy was food. Howard enjoyed the bickering, the jokes, the stories about Vince in the jungle, and sometimes he even liked Gary Numan, though of course he wouldn’t admit it.

But on this particular drive, there was nothing nice, or relaxing, or enjoyable, or even familiar about it. They had only been on the road for a few hours and already Howard was dying to get home.

Vince was sitting in the front seat, happy as a clam, acting like nothing had happened, and if the rest of the van didn’t know any better, they probably would think nothing did. Vince’s behavior which was usually classified as cute and occasionally irritating, was now just depressing and it scared Howard a lot. He allowed Vince to play as much Gary Numan as he wanted, and sat in silence while Vince munched away on strawberry bootlaces.

Naboo and Bollo were just as worried, it was obvious what Vince was doing. He’d done it a lot in the past few years they’d known him, bottling up his feelings and putting up a sunshine façade, so Howard wouldn’t know how sad he was. Naboo had the misfortune of seeing Vince’s mask crack when Howard had died back at the zoo. xxx

After the funeral Vince had walked back to his hut, happily whistling some song about trains, and it was as if his best friend hadn’t just been buried. But Naboo shrugged it off and went to smoke away his troubles.

No one had seen Vince the next day, and Fossil demanded Naboo to find out where his ‘baby blue boy’ was.

The hut was a mess, plain and simple, and it took Naboo a while to locate Vince among the disaster. He was curled in a ball, clutching Howard’s keeper’s jacket as if his life depended on it.

The mess in the hut was nothing compared to Vince, and when he crept closer he heard the choked out words begging for Howard to come back. His voice was hoarse like he’d screamed his throat raw.

“Vince.” Naboo said quietly.

“H-Howard.” Vince choked, looking up. For a moment, there was such hope in his eyes, but when he saw who it actually was, it faded away, leaving a dead look in its place.


“Just leave me alone Naboo.” Vince replied hollowly.

And not knowing what else to do, Naboo left. xxx

By the time Howard had come to Vince as a ghost, the mask was back up, and Howard was left believing Vince didn’t care.

It appeared that Vince had been able to perfect his sunshine persona since then, and to the outside world he really was, always happy. xxx

By the end of the journey, everyone in the van was looking worse for wear, except for Vince of course. He was his happy self, giggling at Howard’s attempts to unload the car before bouncing inside the flat leaving the others to do all the work (others meaning Howard.)

Once inside the flat and out the others view, Vince flew upstairs and into the bathroom as fast as his platform boots would carry him.

He was dirty, and he needed to get cleaned, he couldn’t stand it. The hours in the van had been torture, all he had wanted to do was claw at his skin off the entire trip, just the sight of it nearly made him hurl. How the others were able to even stand being near him was amazing, but right now he didn’t care what anyone else thought, he just wanted to be clean.

Vince turned the hot water all the way on and climbed into the tub after removing his clothes, he felt bad that he had ruined them; it wasn’t their fault he was so dirty, they deserved better. The water burned his skin, but it was necessary. He soaped up his lufa and began to scrub away the dirt on his arms, but even after scrubbing all his skin raw to the point or bleeding, the dirt was still there.

“Vince are you alright in there?” Howard asked from just outside the door.

“Howard. Howard ‘ad seen, ‘e knows ‘ow dirty and disgusting I am, why ‘e would even want to be around me is a mystery.’ Vince felt his mask crack, and before he could stop it he was sobbing.

“VINCE!” Howard yelled, pounding on the door. And Vince did his best to choke back the sobs that were coming out of his mouth. He needed to answer Howard, he couldn’t let him know anything was wrong, because nothing was wrong, everything was just fine. So what if he was a little dirty, he’d get clean. So what if every time he closed his eyes he relived everything that happened that night. So what if the razor on the ledge was looking a lot more inviting today. So what if his Howard thought he was tainted and disgusting. So what if Howard never wanted to look at him again. So what if Howard didn’t love him. None of that mattered, he was Vince Noir, Rock n’ Roll star, sunshine kid, he was happy, he had to be. ‘Besides, it was my fault anyway, dressing like I do. ‘N Howard deserves someone better, someone pure, not someone like me; not anymore.”

“‘M f-fine H’ward.” Vince eventually answered.

“Vince open the door!”

“I said ‘m fine.”

“I’m coming in whether you like it or not!” Vince heard Howard yell, before something, that was most likely Howard collided with the door.

He couldn’t have Howard seeing him like this, he already had to see his repulsive body once, he didn’t need to see it again. Vince jumped out of the tub, fully intending to use his body as a barricade to keep Howard out, but once his feet were on the floor, he slipped on a puddle of water and fell to the floor, just as Howard flew through the now open door.

“My god, Vince! Are you alright!” Howard asked, kneeling in front of the fallen Vince.

Vince slowly sat himself upright, doing his best to avoid eye contact.

“Vince, look at me”


“Please” Howard begged, and Vince gave in, looking straight into Howard’s eyes. Almost immediately burst into tears.

“I’m s-so s-sorry Howard” Vince stuttered between sobs.

“What are you sorry for, you haven’t done anything wrong!”

“I’m s-sorry for being so dirty, I t-tried to wash it off, I really did, but it jus’ won’t go away!”

“What are you talking about?”

“It jus’ wouldn’t come off, no matter how hard I scrubbed.”

“Vince, there’s nothi-… Oh my god Vince what happened!” Howard gasped, finally seeing the raw, bleeding patches of skin that littered Vince’s body.

“It jus’ wouldn’t come off…” Vince whispered, breaking out once again into full blown sobs.

Forgetting about the nakedness, Howard scooped Vince into his arms and held him tight.

“It’s going to be alright Vince; everything is going to be alright.”

End Notes: But will it really? Probably, yes, but if I were to ask you, what would you say? Reviews are beautiful, and hopefully a new update will be around in the near future. 🙂

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