Moulin Boosh

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Mighty Boosh X Moulin Rouge. Howard Moon, a penniless jazz musician and writer unwittenly falls in love with Vince Noir, the star courtesan from the Moulin Rouge and finds himself fighting of Vince affections with Dixon Bainbridge, the Duke.

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Chapter three: The Moulin Rouge and The Sparkling Diamond.

Contents

Chapter three: The Moulin Rouge and The Sparkling Diamond.

The curtains of the club entrance open to reveal Fossil’s face. He wears a red coat, black top hat and a cheesy moustache. He beckons Howard and the others inside his huge dancehall, where it is packed with young and older men and some women wearing black outfits. Some of them where dancing with women in frilly, feathered dresses, their faces caked in make-up. The few women were dancing with young men in tight shirts and pants.

Narrator: Bob Fossil and his infamous dancers. They called them ‘His Diamond Dogs’.

Fossil and his dancers start their song.

Diamond Dogs (singing): “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista. Hey sista, go sista…)”

Fossil: “If life’s an awful bore, and living’s just a chore, that we do, cause death not much fun”.

Diamond Dogs: “Giuchie giuchie, ya ya, da da”.

Fossil: “I have the antidote, and though I mustn’t gloat, at the Moulin Rouge! You’ll have fun!”

Howard and the others make their way across the dancefloor with the other customers.

Diamond Dogs: “Creole lady marmalade…”

Fossil: “Just scratch that little niggle, have a little wiggle, you know that you can, because we can can-can”.

D.D: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?”

Fossil: “Don’t say you can’t, can’t, can’t, you know you can, can, can”.

D.D: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?”

Everyone, including Howard and the others, starts making a line up.

Customers: “Here we are now, entertain us!”

Fossil: “Got some dark desire? Love to play with fire? Why not let it rip, live a little bit! Can can-can!”

The customers and the Diamond Dogs start dancing towards each other. Then they do start dancing with each other.

Fossil: “Outside it may be raining, but in here it’s entertaining”.

Naboo motions to Howard to follow him to a table they found.

Naboo: Mission accomplished! We sucessfully evaded Fossil.

The music soon fades, and glitter pours from the ceiling.

Naboo: It’s him, the Sparkling Diamond.

A young man comes down from the ceiling on a swing. He is wearing a red corset, tight black trousers, a black silk shirt which was open and a small black hat similar to Fossil’s. This is Vince Noir and he’s about to start his song.

Vince (singing): “The French are glad to die for love, they delight in fighting duels, but I prefer a man who lives and gives expensive jewels”.

Howard watches, shocked and delighted at the sight. However, on the table on the other side of the piller next to him was Fossil and a man with a huge ginger moustache and beady eyes watching Vince.

Narrator: But someone else was to meet Vince that night, Fossil’s investor: the Duke, Dixon Bainbridge.

The swing soon moved around the crowd below Vince, and stopped so he could get off and wonder through the crowd, who thrust money, jewels and clothes at him.

Vince: “A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but fashion is a boy’s best friend. A kiss may be grand, but it won’t pay the rental on your humble flat, or feed your pussycat. Men grow cold as we grow old, and we all lose our charms in the end. But hour-glass or pear shaped, these clothes won’t lose their shape, fashion is a boys’ best friend”.

Howard and the Duke watch from the side.

Bainbridge: When am I goning to meet this young man?

Vince (shouts out): Topshop!

Fossil: After his number. I’ve arranged a special meeting – just you and Vincey, totally alone Bainbridge.

Vince (shouting out again): New Look!

On the other table…

Naboo: After his number. I’ve arranged a private meeting, just you and Monsieur Vince, totally alone.

Howard: Alone?

Naboo/Fossil: Yes, totally alone.

Vince: “Cause we are living in a electro world, and I am a electro boy”.

The customers are dancing around Vince, then lift him up and carry him to the centre of the dancefloor stage.

Fossil: Excuse me!

He leaves the Duke to join Vince on the stage.

Vince: “There may be a time when a lad needs a lawyer, but fashion is a boy’s best friend. There may be a time when a hard-boiled employer thinks you’re…”

Fossil: “…Awful nice”

Vince: “But get that ice or else no dice”

Howard gets up to go over to Vince, but Naboo stops him.

Naboo: Don’t worry, I’ll go and sort things out.

As he gets up, he spills a whole tray of drinks on the Duke sitting behind him. Meanwhile, Vince and Fossil are having a quiet conversation.

Vince: Is the Duke here, Bobby?

Fossil: Of course, would Daddy lie to you?

Fossil looks over Vince’s shoulder to see Naboo trying to wipe the drinks of the Duke’s shirt with his handkerchief.

Vince: Where is he?

Fossil: He’s the one Naboo is shaking a hanky at.

Vince looks over in time to see Naboo take a hanky out of Howard’s pocket and wave it at him. They catch each others eyes for a moment.

Vince: Are you sure, Fossil?

Fossil: Let me take a peek.

He looks and sees Naboo still trying to wipe the drinks off the Duke.

Fossil: That’s the one, Vincey.

Naboo finally as enough of cleaning the Duke, and throws the hanky in his face.

Naboo: Clean yourself off, you ballbag.

He went to walk away, when Bainbridge’s bodyguard, a green skinned man wearing black and a polo around his eye, showed Naboo a long knife he had concealed on him. Naboo backed off then. Back on the stage, Vince and Fossil went behind some of the dancers dresses they held up, to talk and change.

Vince: Will he invest?

Fossil: After being with you, how can he resist?

Vince: What’s his type? Wilting flower? Bright and bubbly? Or smouldering temptress?

Fossil: I’d say smouldering temptress. We counting on you, Noir. Remember, a real show, in a real theatre, with a real audience. And you’ll be…

Vince:…A real actor.

Vince leaps back up, still wearing his corset and missing his hat and shirt. His face is now covered in black/red make up and a black diamond neckalce was wore around his neck. He starts to continue his song, while Naboo tries to get his attention from the crowd.

Vince: “Cause that’s when those louses, go back to their spouces. Fashion is a boy’s best friend”

Two dancers place Vince on their shoulders and carry him to where he wanted. Howard looked away for a second, to look back to see Vince directly in front of him.

Vince: I beileve you were expecting me.

Howard couldn’t speak, he was just dumbstruck with shock. Vince smiles and turns around to the crowd.

Vince: I’m afraid it’s boy’s decision.

He turns back around and pulls Howard onto the dancefloor. Vince starts dancing, but Howard was still too shocked to do anything, until two gents from the crowd pushed him forwards. Fossil is watching, but can only see the back of Howard.

Vince: So wonderful of you to take an interest in our little show.

Howard: It sounds very exciting. I’d be delighted to be involved.

Vince: Really?

Howard: Assuming you like what I do, of course.

Vince: I’m sure I will.

Howard sees his friends and bows his hat to them, to signal he was doing well.

Howard: Naboo thought we might be able to, erm do it in private.

Vince: Did he?

Howard: Yes. You know, a private poetry reading.

Vince (getting the wrong end of the stick): Ohh… I love a little poetry after supper.

Vince then left Howard and got back onto his swing, just as it was rasing up.

Vince: “Fashion, fashion, hour glass or pear shaped, these clothes don’t lose their shape…”

The crowd soon gathered underneath him and waved their hands in the air. Howard goes back to the others, but keeps his eyes on Vince

Vince: “Fashion is a boy’s best…”

He suddenly gasps for breath. Fossil stares in concern, while everyone else were still dancing underneath him. Vince then get his breath back and faints backwards.

Fossil: NO!

Vince is saved by a brown furred gorilla. Fossil indicates to him to take Vince backstage. When they had gone, he started clapping and chanting.

Fossil: Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince!

Crowd: Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince!

Backstage, the gorilla placed Vince on a large couch. The stage manager pokes his head though a curtain to indicate to Fossil Vince is not coming out again. He motions the crowd to stop.

Fossil: You’ve frightened him away! But I can see some more Moulin Rouge dancers that are looking for a partner or two. So if you can hunk-hunk, you can hunkadola with them.

The band strikes up and plays the song. Backstage, Vince’s nurse Mrs Gideon, brings him some smelling salts. She waves them under his nose and he wakes up and gives a shakey smile.

Vince: Oh, Gideon. These silly costumes.

Gideon: Just a little fainting spell.

The stage manager tells all the girls to get back to works, when Vince starts coughing. Gideon places a hanky to his mouth and keeps it there until he’s finished. When he turns away, Gideon is worried to see blood on the hankey. In the garden outside the dancehall, the Duke is getting impatient.

Bainbridge (to Hitcher): Find Fossil. The young man’s waiting for me.